HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER, A PHOTO ESSAY

"So, what exactly the hell was he doing from May 23rd to November 5th?" I'm sure my imaginary readers are asking themselves. Well, I had these digital photos from this Summer laying around, and I present them to you, my readers, hypothetical though you are, in no particular order and with no explanation. You are encouraged to construct your own narrative, and leave it in my Moral Imperatives.

THAT'S THE "A" TICKET

You've laughed with the Country Bear Jamboree...

You've thrilled to Pirates Of The Caribbean...

You're lining up to be scared out of your wits by The Haunted Mansion...

Now, coming this Christmas to a theater near you, the latest Walt Disney World Theme Park Movie...

It's MAGNETIC!

SCHADENFREUDE-FREUDE?

I don't know about you, but I'm really deriving a great deal of pleasure from hating people who use the word schadenfreude too much.

NAME THAT TUNE...BEFORE MY HOUSE COLLAPSES

Who's peekin' out from under a stairway, calling a name that's lighter than air? Who's bending down to give me a rainbow? Who's tripping down the streets of the city, smilin' at everybody she sees? Who's reachin' out to capture a moment?

Everyone knows...

LET US PRAY


photo courtesy of Salon.com

KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND, AND KEEP REACHING FOR THE STARS...

What's the deal with Rickie Lee Jones? I was listening to her new song on the local public radio music station, WXPN, and all I can say is, long gone are the days of her sweet warbling on "Chuck E.'s In Love". Now, she sounds like if she were on American Idol, Simon Cowell would leap over the table and smother her with a Hefty Cinch-Sak to keep her from singing, permanently.

Speaking of popular music, a topic about which, admittedly, I have as much authority to comment as say, Walter Cronkite, I've had just about enough of "Five For Fighting". It's just one guy. What exactly is wrong with using, for example, your name? Why must you act as though you are some sort of ensemble? I mean, Ben Folds Five is only three guys, but at least Ben Folds is one of the three guys. Get over yourself.

One more tidbit: if I hear 19-year-old millionaire Avril Lavigne declaim one more time about how "that's how life is" in her lyrics, she'll learn very quickly that life is much less pleasant than the one to which she has become accustomed.

I BOUGHT A DOMAIN NAME FOR THIS?

Why is it that you absolutely positively NEVER hear a golfer utter the phrase, "par for the course"?

Back to my little world now.

MOVIN' ON



Please click here for The New Crossbow Project.

REALLY, IT WORKS

Of the many hardships one endures while watching NFL football, my least favorite is the spate of promos for network shows that run during commercial breaks. One of these promos on CBS is for "Cold Case", a (shockingly enough) police procedural show about, well, you can figure it out. After viewing this promo at least seventy-three times, I have two words (one hyphenated) for the show's star, Kathryn Morris.

Leave-in Conditioner.

TCP'S SIC SAD WORLD^TM, VOLUME I

Some things you read in the newspaper can't possibly be improved upon, and you just have to leave them "as written", or "sic" in Latin. To commemorate these self-ironic communications (just to completely belabor the point, I invented a three-letter acronym), TCP brings you SIC SAD WORLD^TM*.

In today's Philly Inquirer there is a report on wasteful spending of taxpayer funds by state legislators. The last part of the article includes our first ever SIC SAD WORLD^TM item:

One of the more mysterious spending items found in the stacks of legislative invoices is the contract between (Rep. Vince) Fumo and Frank D. Wallace, the former Philadelphia police inspector turned private investigator.

Why does the minority head of an appropriations committee need a $50,000-a-year private eye?

"Sometimes," said (Fumo spokeman Gary) Tuma, "we get tips from people about wasteful spending."

*SIC SAD WORLD is not really trademarked. I stole it from Daria. Sue me. Please. Anything for some traffic.

YADA YADA YADA

Finally, crossbowproject.org works. Yes, I am Master Of My Domain, in a non-masturbatorial way. Whatever.