THE REAL REAL WORLD
This is the true story of nine people, picked by birth and marriage to live in a house in Florida around the Christmas holiday and have their lives blogged. Watch what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting...familial.
It's that time of the year, when people who have nothing in common with each other besides serially subletting the same womb get together to celebrate the birth of someone they probably have even less in common with. My family will gather in the "I Can't Believe It's Not A Democracy" state of Florida, where many of them already live and are disenfranchised. Most of the rest of us who live in states where they actually count the votes will gather in a rental home picked out by my niece from a list of about 6,700 web sites, according to Google. The house has an address, so we're hoping it actually exists. It may end up being imaginary, in which case we'll kill my niece and serve her in a rich bearnaise sauce.
As far as I can divine, this particular house has no high speed internet access, making actual blogging problematic. Nevertheless, I am packing the Official Laptop of The Crossbow Project, which I recently purchased with money that should be in my 401K. Since the house supposedly has phone lines (how quaint!), I should be able to partake of NetZero, assuming my housemates exclusively use their cell phones to contact their dealers. That sister-in-law of mine, what a crank fiend!
We depart from Philadelphia's piquant (or, more accurately, urine-soaked) airport on Thursday. More to follow...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
DOWNWARD UPWARD MOBILITY
Wackenhut, the security firm essentially fired after 9/11 by the US Government from their bang-up job of protecting the nation's airports, is now protecting the nation's uranium stockpile, with predictable results.
What if the sports world and the private sector worked like the government? Here are a few historical headlines that might have been:
1973: MUNICH BASKETBALL ARENA TIMER TO RUN SWISS WATCH COMPANY
1979: JOE PISARCIK TABBED AS GIANTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
1987: BILL BUCKNER TO RELEASE FIELDING INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO
1991: BILLS SIGN SCOTT NORWOOD TO LIFETIME PLACE-KICKING CONTRACT
1998: TYSON CHOSEN AS NY TIMES FOOD CRITIC
2004: BARTMAN GETS FREE CUBS SEASON TICKETS, FIRST ROW THIRD BASE LINE
Wackenhut, the security firm essentially fired after 9/11 by the US Government from their bang-up job of protecting the nation's airports, is now protecting the nation's uranium stockpile, with predictable results.
What if the sports world and the private sector worked like the government? Here are a few historical headlines that might have been:
1973: MUNICH BASKETBALL ARENA TIMER TO RUN SWISS WATCH COMPANY
1979: JOE PISARCIK TABBED AS GIANTS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
1987: BILL BUCKNER TO RELEASE FIELDING INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO
1991: BILLS SIGN SCOTT NORWOOD TO LIFETIME PLACE-KICKING CONTRACT
1998: TYSON CHOSEN AS NY TIMES FOOD CRITIC
2004: BARTMAN GETS FREE CUBS SEASON TICKETS, FIRST ROW THIRD BASE LINE
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
SEX MIS-ED
Rep. Henry Waxman has reported that the federal government will spend $170 million this year on abstinence-only sex education programs which contain numerous factual errors. Hmmm...opportunity knocks again!
To: The Department of Health and Human Services
From: The Crossbow Project
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION - AN ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX EDUCATION PROGRAM
Yours today for only a small $1 million grant. We take PayPal.
Sincerely,
The Crossbow Project
Rep. Henry Waxman has reported that the federal government will spend $170 million this year on abstinence-only sex education programs which contain numerous factual errors. Hmmm...opportunity knocks again!
To: The Department of Health and Human Services
From: The Crossbow Project
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION - AN ABSTINENCE-ONLY SEX EDUCATION PROGRAM
- Introduction - Sex before marriage - how bad is it?
- Really bad, or really really bad?
- Or really really really bad?
- Several more "reallys"?
- Several more "reallys"?
- Really bad, or really really bad?
- What happens if you have sex before marriage
- Acne
- Rashes
- Festering sores
- Leprosy
- Under certain circumstances, triggering nuclear annihilation
- Acne
- Condoms - how safe are they?
- You're joking, right?
- Can cause acne, rashes, festering sores, and leprosy by themselves
- Nuclear annihilation-triggering still being studied
- Always let the sperm of sinners through - somehow, they know
- You're joking, right?
- Birth control pills
- Satan's candy
- Why are we still having this discussion?
- Satan's candy
- Benefits of abstinence
- Well, clear skin at least
- Absence of guilt over sexual misconduct, ability to really concentrate on all other guilt
- A.C. Green's autograph!
- Eternal happiness (only when combined with tithing, of course)
- Well, clear skin at least
- Review
- Sex before marriage will kill you
- Or at least cause you to burn in Hell
- Get your filthy hands off your genitals, you freak! (See our pamphlet "Masturbating Causes Cancer")
- Sex before marriage will kill you
Yours today for only a small $1 million grant. We take PayPal.
Sincerely,
The Crossbow Project
Saturday, November 27, 2004
YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT, BUT GIRL I KNOW YOU'RE A LIAR
UPN will be airing a reality show where the band TLC attempts to replace their late former member, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.
I probably won't be watching much of this show, but you know I'll be TiVo'ing the episode where they do the "Setting Fire To Your Boyfriend's House In A Jealous Rage" competition. I'm a sucker for pyromaniacal romance.
UPN will be airing a reality show where the band TLC attempts to replace their late former member, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez.
I probably won't be watching much of this show, but you know I'll be TiVo'ing the episode where they do the "Setting Fire To Your Boyfriend's House In A Jealous Rage" competition. I'm a sucker for pyromaniacal romance.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
CAN I GIVE BACK BOTH PATRIOTS SUPER BOWL WINS?
Well, let me say congratulations to the meek, the frightened, the dim-witted, the sanctimonious, the self-righteous, the weak-willed, the hypocritical, the corrupt, the greedy, the bigoted, the intolerant, the ignorant, the asinine, the reptilian, the oblivious, the moronic, the stupid, the arrogant, the uninformed, the dogmatic, the amoral, and the tens of millions of Americans who didn't even bother to show up:
Your guy won!
Well, let me say congratulations to the meek, the frightened, the dim-witted, the sanctimonious, the self-righteous, the weak-willed, the hypocritical, the corrupt, the greedy, the bigoted, the intolerant, the ignorant, the asinine, the reptilian, the oblivious, the moronic, the stupid, the arrogant, the uninformed, the dogmatic, the amoral, and the tens of millions of Americans who didn't even bother to show up:
Your guy won!
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Friday, October 22, 2004
NASAL DRIP
This is one of the few things in the world I can think of that is worse than cancer (scroll down to "Wake Up Call", and please, do not read anything else ever in the NY Post).
This is one of the few things in the world I can think of that is worse than cancer (scroll down to "Wake Up Call", and please, do not read anything else ever in the NY Post).
Thursday, October 21, 2004
A BLOG ENTRY
Jodi has another in her series of gym-related entries, so I thought I'd weigh in. Weigh in!Ha! I'm so damn clever.
So, anyway, I'm at the gym, doing the weight-machine-circuit thing, and this subhuman has decided to work out on one machine while draping his towel over an adjacent machine. The machine I want to use next. Effectively, he is now working on two machines at the same time! (It isn't doing him any good.) After pausing to consider congratulating him on his efficiency (not likely), or possibly shoving his towel up into his transverse colon (I ain't touching that thing) (the towel or the colon), I decided to move onto another machine and come back. Our dear friend proceeded to alternate between the two machines for the better part of 15 minutes, always taking time between exercises to sit and reflect on, oh whatever it is a prodigious intellect such as his is wont to reflect on (The TV show "According To Jim"?). I didn't stop to look, but the odds that he wiped down either machine with his handy towel are lower than the chances of Dick Cheney giving Rosie O'Donnell an orgasm.
And then I went home the end.
Jodi has another in her series of gym-related entries, so I thought I'd weigh in. Weigh in!Ha! I'm so damn clever.
So, anyway, I'm at the gym, doing the weight-machine-circuit thing, and this subhuman has decided to work out on one machine while draping his towel over an adjacent machine. The machine I want to use next. Effectively, he is now working on two machines at the same time! (It isn't doing him any good.) After pausing to consider congratulating him on his efficiency (not likely), or possibly shoving his towel up into his transverse colon (I ain't touching that thing) (the towel or the colon), I decided to move onto another machine and come back. Our dear friend proceeded to alternate between the two machines for the better part of 15 minutes, always taking time between exercises to sit and reflect on, oh whatever it is a prodigious intellect such as his is wont to reflect on (The TV show "According To Jim"?). I didn't stop to look, but the odds that he wiped down either machine with his handy towel are lower than the chances of Dick Cheney giving Rosie O'Donnell an orgasm.
And then I went home the end.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, Volume, um, whatever
Alan Keyes, on children of gay couples (courtesy Chicago SunTimes):
"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable," Keyes told the Marquette Park rally held to oppose same-sex marriages.
"Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of."
* Not really. Again.
Alan Keyes, on children of gay couples (courtesy Chicago SunTimes):
"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable," Keyes told the Marquette Park rally held to oppose same-sex marriages.
"Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of."
* Not really. Again.
Monday, October 11, 2004
SAY A LITTLE PRAYER
Remember when the Medicare drug cards came out, and TCP started our own Medicare drug card program? Turns out, the competition was pretty cutthroat, and well, it actually required more than sitting back and cashing checks from gullible senior citizens, which was what we were going for.
But lo, in light of this news, a light hath shineth upon us! Today, TCP is announcing the first-ever and only that we know of PHMO (Prayer Health Maintenance Organization).
For a low low monthly fee (see plan prospectus for definition of "low"), TCP's enormous readership will pray for your health! The details are listed below:
Annual Deductible...................Varies. How much money do you have?
Annual Out-of-Pocket**..............See above.
Lifetime Maximum....................This is getting redundant
Inpatient Hospitalization...........85%/One dozen novenas
Out-of-Area Dependent Coverage......We'll send a letter to Jimmy Swaggart
Physician Office Visits.............Three Hail Marys
Specialist Visit....................Two Our Fathers
Well-Baby Care......................Priest will "baby-sit" until age 15 or so (male only)
Mammograms..........................Nun will visit house personally
Outpatient Surgery..................100%, psychic surgery only
Behavioral Health
Inpatient...........................Prayer to St. Joan, patron saint of loonies
Substance Abuse.....................Hey, we're in a War on Drugs, remember?
Maternity Care
Prenatal and Postnatal Visits.......100%, but if you even think about abortion, 0%
Hospital Services
Oral Surgery........................That would be St. Guy, patron saint of Hockey
Infertility.........................St. Hugh, patron saint of knockin' boots.
Vision Benefits
Eye exam............................St. Ghwsnq
Glasses, Contacts, etc..............St. Urkel
Emergency Care......................Mass said in your honor. Oh wait, that's only if, well, you know.
Sign up today!
Remember when the Medicare drug cards came out, and TCP started our own Medicare drug card program? Turns out, the competition was pretty cutthroat, and well, it actually required more than sitting back and cashing checks from gullible senior citizens, which was what we were going for.
But lo, in light of this news, a light hath shineth upon us! Today, TCP is announcing the first-ever and only that we know of PHMO (Prayer Health Maintenance Organization).
For a low low monthly fee (see plan prospectus for definition of "low"), TCP's enormous readership will pray for your health! The details are listed below:
Annual Deductible...................Varies. How much money do you have?
Annual Out-of-Pocket**..............See above.
Lifetime Maximum....................This is getting redundant
Inpatient Hospitalization...........85%/One dozen novenas
Out-of-Area Dependent Coverage......We'll send a letter to Jimmy Swaggart
Physician Office Visits.............Three Hail Marys
Specialist Visit....................Two Our Fathers
Well-Baby Care......................Priest will "baby-sit" until age 15 or so (male only)
Mammograms..........................Nun will visit house personally
Outpatient Surgery..................100%, psychic surgery only
Behavioral Health
Inpatient...........................Prayer to St. Joan, patron saint of loonies
Substance Abuse.....................Hey, we're in a War on Drugs, remember?
Maternity Care
Prenatal and Postnatal Visits.......100%, but if you even think about abortion, 0%
Hospital Services
Oral Surgery........................That would be St. Guy, patron saint of Hockey
Infertility.........................St. Hugh, patron saint of knockin' boots.
Vision Benefits
Eye exam............................St. Ghwsnq
Glasses, Contacts, etc..............St. Urkel
Emergency Care......................Mass said in your honor. Oh wait, that's only if, well, you know.
Sign up today!
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
WHEN YOU WISH UPON A PERLE
"President" George W. Bush, yesterday:
"...(the) Taliban no longer is in existence."
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - Officials are investigating a series of puzzling disappearances of large numbers of soldiers, officials, and clerics that were, until yesterday, collectively known as the Taliban. "It was bizarre," said local resident Abdel Sharaz. "Once minute they were here, oppressing us, enforcing strict Sharia law, engaging in various military acts against the beleaguered Kabul government, and then, whoosh!, they were gone! It was like magic!"
Numerous reports around the war-ravaged country corroborate Sharaz' story. Armed men with beards and heavy weaponry who had, until yesterday, been in control of several mountainous sectors of Afghanistan near the Pakistani border suddenly vanished, seemingly in the blink of an eye. A senior White House official, when asked for comment, said, "Clearly, the will of this President is so strong that merely mentioning something in a speech can physically make it so. What other explanation could there be?"
Apparently not aware of the massive, sudden disappearance of the Taliban from the country, Kabul official Jailani Khan blamed the Taliban today for killing three Afghan soldiers. Also, US forces were clearly mistaken in arresting 15 "Taliban militia" members today near the Pakistan border. Finally, U.S. military spokesman Major Scott Nelson should be quickly retracting his statement today that "the international community must stand firm against a small minority of terrorists who oppose stability and democracy and are trying to deny the Afghan people the right to choose the president," now that the Taliban no longer exist.
"Um, we had a little lag in the information pipeline," said a senior White House official. "It's halfway around the world. What do you expect? Shoot, most of the American middle class doesn't even realize yet that they got a huge tax cut!"
"President" George W. Bush, yesterday:
"...(the) Taliban no longer is in existence."
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - Officials are investigating a series of puzzling disappearances of large numbers of soldiers, officials, and clerics that were, until yesterday, collectively known as the Taliban. "It was bizarre," said local resident Abdel Sharaz. "Once minute they were here, oppressing us, enforcing strict Sharia law, engaging in various military acts against the beleaguered Kabul government, and then, whoosh!, they were gone! It was like magic!"
Numerous reports around the war-ravaged country corroborate Sharaz' story. Armed men with beards and heavy weaponry who had, until yesterday, been in control of several mountainous sectors of Afghanistan near the Pakistani border suddenly vanished, seemingly in the blink of an eye. A senior White House official, when asked for comment, said, "Clearly, the will of this President is so strong that merely mentioning something in a speech can physically make it so. What other explanation could there be?"
Apparently not aware of the massive, sudden disappearance of the Taliban from the country, Kabul official Jailani Khan blamed the Taliban today for killing three Afghan soldiers. Also, US forces were clearly mistaken in arresting 15 "Taliban militia" members today near the Pakistan border. Finally, U.S. military spokesman Major Scott Nelson should be quickly retracting his statement today that "the international community must stand firm against a small minority of terrorists who oppose stability and democracy and are trying to deny the Afghan people the right to choose the president," now that the Taliban no longer exist.
"Um, we had a little lag in the information pipeline," said a senior White House official. "It's halfway around the world. What do you expect? Shoot, most of the American middle class doesn't even realize yet that they got a huge tax cut!"
Saturday, September 25, 2004
NAME THAT COUNTRY
Donald Rumsfeld, last week:
"Let's say you tried to have an election and you could have it in three-quarters or four-fifths of the country, but some places you couldn't, because the violence was too great, well, so be it. You have an election that's not quite perfect. Is it better than not having an election? You bet."
Donald Rumsfeld, last week:
"Let's say you tried to have an election and you could have it in three-quarters or four-fifths of the country, but some places you couldn't, because the violence was too great, well, so be it. You have an election that's not quite perfect. Is it better than not having an election? You bet."
Friday, August 27, 2004
GOODBYE, KITTY
Sterling
c.1990 - August 27, 2004
The sun burst through in unlooked for directions,
Strong thoughts fill you and confidence, you smile,
You forget you are sick, as I forget you are sick,
You do not see the medicines, you do not mind the weeping friends,
I am with you,
I exclude others from you, there is nothing to be commiserated,
I do not commiserate, I congratulate you.
Walt Whitman
Beloved companion, devoted pet, loving cat-sister.
We will miss you dearly.
Sterling
c.1990 - August 27, 2004
The sun burst through in unlooked for directions,
Strong thoughts fill you and confidence, you smile,
You forget you are sick, as I forget you are sick,
You do not see the medicines, you do not mind the weeping friends,
I am with you,
I exclude others from you, there is nothing to be commiserated,
I do not commiserate, I congratulate you.
Walt Whitman
Beloved companion, devoted pet, loving cat-sister.
We will miss you dearly.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
TOP TEN REJECTED HOMELAND SECURITY MASCOT IDEAS
10. Survivey the Cockroach
9. Hidey the Turtle
8. Tattletale the Rat
7. Soary the Airborne Surveillance Eagle
6. Convenient the Threat Level Chameleon
5. Halliburty the Ravenous Octopus
4. Oblivikitty
3. Cheney the Chicken Hawk
2. Happy the Non-American Animal
and the Number 1 rejected Homeland Security mascot idea is:
1. Pre-empty the Belligerent Texas Weasel
10. Survivey the Cockroach
9. Hidey the Turtle
8. Tattletale the Rat
7. Soary the Airborne Surveillance Eagle
6. Convenient the Threat Level Chameleon
5. Halliburty the Ravenous Octopus
4. Oblivikitty
3. Cheney the Chicken Hawk
2. Happy the Non-American Animal
and the Number 1 rejected Homeland Security mascot idea is:
1. Pre-empty the Belligerent Texas Weasel
Sunday, July 18, 2004
WE CAN REBUILD HIM
Hey, I'm back, again! This time, I've returned from the land of Myopia. That's right, I'm no longer nearsighted! I got the Lasik, and boy have things changed. Before I was this guy. Now, I'm this guy. Oh well.
In other news, um...there is no other news. See you the next time I get surgically altered, or when I damn well feel like it.
Hey, I'm back, again! This time, I've returned from the land of Myopia. That's right, I'm no longer nearsighted! I got the Lasik, and boy have things changed. Before I was this guy. Now, I'm this guy. Oh well.
In other news, um...there is no other news. See you the next time I get surgically altered, or when I damn well feel like it.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
MIGHT AS WELL
Ok, so I'm standing in line for Spiderman 2 yesterday, and I see a poster for the new movie, "Alien Vs. Predator". So I figure, if you're going to combine two movies, why not go for broke?
Ok, so I'm standing in line for Spiderman 2 yesterday, and I see a poster for the new movie, "Alien Vs. Predator". So I figure, if you're going to combine two movies, why not go for broke?
Saturday, July 03, 2004
WEAK OFF
Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.
Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?
Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.
Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?
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Friday, June 18, 2004
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
AMERICA'S LEAST READ BLOG?
A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.
In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.
A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.
In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
MAY CAUSE INCREASED PROFITS
The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.
Sign up today!
The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.
Sign up today!
Friday, May 28, 2004
AWWWWW...
I won't be going to North Jersey for a week in June after all. I was the only one in my training class who completed the pre-requisite computer-based training, so they postponed it to September. Typical. Oh well. I hear the New York City area in September can be very beautiful! You know, when planes aren't slamming into buildings and causing mass destruction and widespread panic.
I won't be going to North Jersey for a week in June after all. I was the only one in my training class who completed the pre-requisite computer-based training, so they postponed it to September. Typical. Oh well. I hear the New York City area in September can be very beautiful! You know, when planes aren't slamming into buildings and causing mass destruction and widespread panic.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
STILL ALIVE AS FAR AS I KNOW
Welcome to the continuing summer edition the Project, also known as the "Tim is completely out of things to say now that George Bush is a proven war criminal" edition. I guess I'll have to resort to my own sad personal life. So, any highlights? Well, I'm seriously considering laser eye surgery. I went in for an evaluation, and they put some drops in my eyes that made me feel what it would be like to be $3,000 poorer. That went well. They also made my pupils dilate to the point where I reacted to the sunlight like your average vampire. This only lasted for about, oh, three days and two migraine headaches. I enjoyed that so much I'm going to do it again at another place next week. I think I'm secretly hoping I fail the tests at the second place. Sans glasses, I may not have enough room in my social calendar for this web log, and what a pity that would be.
In June, I'll be heading up to Tony Soprano Land, aka North Jersey. I have some training at a sister refinery for a week. I'll be staying in a lovely establishment in Linden that has a breathtaking view of the famed Newark Airport Aircraft Service Depot. Gotta remember to bring my camera!
Later in June, it's our yearly vacation jaunt. This year, it's Salem, MA. No we're not getting married. For one thing, we're of the opposite sex, and for another thing, we're already married. I mean, if pressed, I could marry Matt Damon if he was in town. He was so adorable in "The Talented Mr. Ripley", albeit a tad homicidal.
In August, I'll be returning to the site of my upbringing in Upstate NY for my niece's wedding. No, she's not gay either. I'm so apolitical when it gets right down to it. After we get back from that, it's off to the Prince concert at the Wachovia Center. We should fit right in that crowd. I hope they don't have a funkiness test at the gate, or at least we can go off to a private room, like they do at the airport. Finally, the summer may or may not conclude with yet another trip to Houston for some more training. Ah, I do love a boondoggle.
After that, I promise, I'll be back and rarin' to go with web log business. Unless the herd takes another direction, of course.
Welcome to the continuing summer edition the Project, also known as the "Tim is completely out of things to say now that George Bush is a proven war criminal" edition. I guess I'll have to resort to my own sad personal life. So, any highlights? Well, I'm seriously considering laser eye surgery. I went in for an evaluation, and they put some drops in my eyes that made me feel what it would be like to be $3,000 poorer. That went well. They also made my pupils dilate to the point where I reacted to the sunlight like your average vampire. This only lasted for about, oh, three days and two migraine headaches. I enjoyed that so much I'm going to do it again at another place next week. I think I'm secretly hoping I fail the tests at the second place. Sans glasses, I may not have enough room in my social calendar for this web log, and what a pity that would be.
In June, I'll be heading up to Tony Soprano Land, aka North Jersey. I have some training at a sister refinery for a week. I'll be staying in a lovely establishment in Linden that has a breathtaking view of the famed Newark Airport Aircraft Service Depot. Gotta remember to bring my camera!
Later in June, it's our yearly vacation jaunt. This year, it's Salem, MA. No we're not getting married. For one thing, we're of the opposite sex, and for another thing, we're already married. I mean, if pressed, I could marry Matt Damon if he was in town. He was so adorable in "The Talented Mr. Ripley", albeit a tad homicidal.
In August, I'll be returning to the site of my upbringing in Upstate NY for my niece's wedding. No, she's not gay either. I'm so apolitical when it gets right down to it. After we get back from that, it's off to the Prince concert at the Wachovia Center. We should fit right in that crowd. I hope they don't have a funkiness test at the gate, or at least we can go off to a private room, like they do at the airport. Finally, the summer may or may not conclude with yet another trip to Houston for some more training. Ah, I do love a boondoggle.
After that, I promise, I'll be back and rarin' to go with web log business. Unless the herd takes another direction, of course.
Friday, May 14, 2004
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE DATING
As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?
In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!
As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?
In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Thursday, May 06, 2004
AMIS FINIS
I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!
I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
CHERISH YOUR MEMORIES
The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!
If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!
The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!
If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!
Monday, April 26, 2004
IN AND AROUND THE LAKE
I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.
The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.
My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.
I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.
The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.
My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.
Monday, April 19, 2004
I'M OFF
To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.
To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.
SUCKER MOM
So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).
From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.
So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).
From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME IV
You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.
"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."
* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.
You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.
"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."
* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
IF IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS
Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.
That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!
Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.
That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!
Thursday, April 08, 2004
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF WAR
Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!
"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"
You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.
"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"
On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:
- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!
- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!
- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"
"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"
Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.
So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?
Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!
"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"
You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.
"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"
On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:
- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!
- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!
- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"
"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"
Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.
So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
HALLELUJAH, INC.
Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.
In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.
Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.
In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK
Al Franken kicked off the liberal Air America Radio today. Reuters thought so highly of the story, they put their best man on it:
(As a side note, they mentioned in the story that Al Gore called in. As fellow fans of Harry Shearer's "Le Show" could understand, I'm dying to get a hold of an mp3 or a Real audio link of that exchange. If you're one of the 7 people who read this and who happen to have such a thing, please e-mail it to me.)
Al Franken kicked off the liberal Air America Radio today. Reuters thought so highly of the story, they put their best man on it:
(As a side note, they mentioned in the story that Al Gore called in. As fellow fans of Harry Shearer's "Le Show" could understand, I'm dying to get a hold of an mp3 or a Real audio link of that exchange. If you're one of the 7 people who read this and who happen to have such a thing, please e-mail it to me.)
IF A BLOG HAS NO ENTRIES AND NO ONE READS IT, IS IT STILL A BLOG?
I've either been busy or apathetic for most of the last five days, hence the empty space where posts should be. I am neither apologizing for nor rationalizing my lack of attention to this web log. There's plenty of other stuff to read, you know, and this shit sucks anyway.
But, now that I have a few moments, I thought I'd pass on to the people who are looking for information about how to make a crossbow, Karen Grassle nude, Bitty Schram nude, or a recent favorite, "republican dominic weather", what exactly I've been doing the last five days, and the fabulous things I have coming up.
- Friday, I figured out how to get my computer-based training to work, which was a mixed blessing. I'm learning how to be a Six Sigma Green Belt. Yes, I know, it sounds exciting, like something Uma Thurman might find handy in "Kill Bill 2". Actually, with Six Sigma, all Uma could do is maybe improve her ability to kill enormous numbers of people by a few percent, since she's already achieved what we Green Belts like to call "high process capability".
- Saturday, I can't remember. Some boring stuff my wife dragged me to.
- Sunday, ditto.
- Monday, more CBT. I'm also working on putting together some highly dubious numbers for a conference I'm attending in late April. It's giving me great respect for Bush's budget team. Highly dubious numbers are harder to arrive at than one would think.
- Tuesday, CBT again, and I'm trying to back up a PC that runs Windows NT but is not networked. I've also got a laptop, which runs XP, and a CD burner, which has a USB interface, but the CD burner won't plug into the PC I'm trying to back up because NT doesn't do USB, and the laptop needs to have administrator privileges, which I don't have, in order to set a connection with the NT PC. This is so typical of my life.
- Upcoming: well, I'm going to that conference in Louisiana in a few weeks, and I'm heading up to Northern NJ for a week in June for more Green Belt training. After that, we're vacationing in Salem, MA because my wife has a witch fixation. I wrangled some Red Sox tickets for the trip, because I have a perpetual loser fixation. Then we're going to see Prince at the Wachovia Center in August, because...well, he's playing there (were he hosting a Jehovah's Witness convention, we probably would not attend). Somewhere in there a few times we plan to go "down the shore", as they say around here because of inadequate grammar instruction. A full summer of really lame activities awaits! Now you know why I mostly write dumb political and pop culture jokes in here. And why nobody reads this.
I've either been busy or apathetic for most of the last five days, hence the empty space where posts should be. I am neither apologizing for nor rationalizing my lack of attention to this web log. There's plenty of other stuff to read, you know, and this shit sucks anyway.
But, now that I have a few moments, I thought I'd pass on to the people who are looking for information about how to make a crossbow, Karen Grassle nude, Bitty Schram nude, or a recent favorite, "republican dominic weather", what exactly I've been doing the last five days, and the fabulous things I have coming up.
- Friday, I figured out how to get my computer-based training to work, which was a mixed blessing. I'm learning how to be a Six Sigma Green Belt. Yes, I know, it sounds exciting, like something Uma Thurman might find handy in "Kill Bill 2". Actually, with Six Sigma, all Uma could do is maybe improve her ability to kill enormous numbers of people by a few percent, since she's already achieved what we Green Belts like to call "high process capability".
- Saturday, I can't remember. Some boring stuff my wife dragged me to.
- Sunday, ditto.
- Monday, more CBT. I'm also working on putting together some highly dubious numbers for a conference I'm attending in late April. It's giving me great respect for Bush's budget team. Highly dubious numbers are harder to arrive at than one would think.
- Tuesday, CBT again, and I'm trying to back up a PC that runs Windows NT but is not networked. I've also got a laptop, which runs XP, and a CD burner, which has a USB interface, but the CD burner won't plug into the PC I'm trying to back up because NT doesn't do USB, and the laptop needs to have administrator privileges, which I don't have, in order to set a connection with the NT PC. This is so typical of my life.
- Upcoming: well, I'm going to that conference in Louisiana in a few weeks, and I'm heading up to Northern NJ for a week in June for more Green Belt training. After that, we're vacationing in Salem, MA because my wife has a witch fixation. I wrangled some Red Sox tickets for the trip, because I have a perpetual loser fixation. Then we're going to see Prince at the Wachovia Center in August, because...well, he's playing there (were he hosting a Jehovah's Witness convention, we probably would not attend). Somewhere in there a few times we plan to go "down the shore", as they say around here because of inadequate grammar instruction. A full summer of really lame activities awaits! Now you know why I mostly write dumb political and pop culture jokes in here. And why nobody reads this.
Friday, March 26, 2004
GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT
Amhed Chalabi, leader of the anti-Saddam lobbying group known as the Iraqi National Congress and member of the Iraqi Governing Council, was profiled today in the NY Times.
It's a two-pager, but somewhere on the second page, the Times conveys this rather startling fact:
"Nevertheless, the Department of Defense continues to pay his organization $340,000 a month to gather intelligence in Iraq. "
Let's see...Chalabi feeds the Pentagon a bunch of lies, and gets, um, doing the math here...carry the one...two and half shitloads of money. Hey, I can do that! Finally, my ticket to the good life. Hey, Rummy, try this on for size:
- Osama Bin Laden was staying in my basement. He took off and said he was heading to San Antonio for the Final Four, though, so you just missed him.
- Um, there's like a bunch of guys with heavy guns and rockets and bombs and stuff, like, in Najaf, or Umm Qasr, or Ramalamadingdong, or some place. And they look pissed.
- That guy you caught in the spider hole was a double. Saddam is hanging out with Martha Stewart in the Hamptons, planning an extremely tasteful yet vicious revolt.
So, Pentagon brass, what do you say? I'm thinking a quarter of a mil for all three pieces of intelligence, or $100,000 sold separately. And I'll take one those Comanche helicopters off your hands, while we're at it. I need to cut my commute time.
Amhed Chalabi, leader of the anti-Saddam lobbying group known as the Iraqi National Congress and member of the Iraqi Governing Council, was profiled today in the NY Times.
It's a two-pager, but somewhere on the second page, the Times conveys this rather startling fact:
"Nevertheless, the Department of Defense continues to pay his organization $340,000 a month to gather intelligence in Iraq. "
Let's see...Chalabi feeds the Pentagon a bunch of lies, and gets, um, doing the math here...carry the one...two and half shitloads of money. Hey, I can do that! Finally, my ticket to the good life. Hey, Rummy, try this on for size:
- Osama Bin Laden was staying in my basement. He took off and said he was heading to San Antonio for the Final Four, though, so you just missed him.
- Um, there's like a bunch of guys with heavy guns and rockets and bombs and stuff, like, in Najaf, or Umm Qasr, or Ramalamadingdong, or some place. And they look pissed.
- That guy you caught in the spider hole was a double. Saddam is hanging out with Martha Stewart in the Hamptons, planning an extremely tasteful yet vicious revolt.
So, Pentagon brass, what do you say? I'm thinking a quarter of a mil for all three pieces of intelligence, or $100,000 sold separately. And I'll take one those Comanche helicopters off your hands, while we're at it. I need to cut my commute time.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
POETIC (DRIVERS) LICENSE
I think that I shall never see
A service area as lovely as thee.
(I took a run up the NJ Turnpike for work yesterday, and ate a Double Whopper there.)
I think that I shall never see
A service area as lovely as thee.
(I took a run up the NJ Turnpike for work yesterday, and ate a Double Whopper there.)
Monday, March 22, 2004
RELEASE THE HOUNDS
Former terrorist czar Richard Clarke went on "60 Minutes" last night to claim that President Bush has done "a terrible job" fighting terrorism. In response, the White House trotted out National Security Adviser Condi Rice this morning on "Good Morning America", "Today", and "The Early Show" and possibly "Romper Room" for all we know to refute the charges. Among other things, she noted that Clarke, who at the time was the leading anti-terrorist expert at the White House, "wasn't involved in most of the meetings of the administration." Touché, Dick!
Anyway, Condi's whirlwind tour of the Diane & Charlie/Katie & Matt/Some Guy & A Random Blonde Chick triumvirate is only the beginning of the balls-out assault by the Bush Administration and its well-funded character evisceration apparatus. Here's a preview of some of the charges the Bushies will be leveling at Mr. Clarke:
- Performed a gay marriage ceremony between Richard Gere and a guinea pig.
- Was seen laughing hysterically at "The Passion Of The Christ".
- Trades abortion videos on Kazaa.
- Named illegimate son with Jane Fonda after Osama Bin Laden.
- Once burned a flag by striking a match on a broken chunk of the Alabama Ten Commandments monument.
- Had anal sex with a welfare mother while simultaneoulsy smoking crack and shooting up heroin at a Kim Jong Il Fan Club meeting on national broadcast television.
- Is actually the former host of American Bandstand without hair dye:
Oooh. That last one might stick.
Former terrorist czar Richard Clarke went on "60 Minutes" last night to claim that President Bush has done "a terrible job" fighting terrorism. In response, the White House trotted out National Security Adviser Condi Rice this morning on "Good Morning America", "Today", and "The Early Show" and possibly "Romper Room" for all we know to refute the charges. Among other things, she noted that Clarke, who at the time was the leading anti-terrorist expert at the White House, "wasn't involved in most of the meetings of the administration." Touché, Dick!
Anyway, Condi's whirlwind tour of the Diane & Charlie/Katie & Matt/Some Guy & A Random Blonde Chick triumvirate is only the beginning of the balls-out assault by the Bush Administration and its well-funded character evisceration apparatus. Here's a preview of some of the charges the Bushies will be leveling at Mr. Clarke:
- Performed a gay marriage ceremony between Richard Gere and a guinea pig.
- Was seen laughing hysterically at "The Passion Of The Christ".
- Trades abortion videos on Kazaa.
- Named illegimate son with Jane Fonda after Osama Bin Laden.
- Once burned a flag by striking a match on a broken chunk of the Alabama Ten Commandments monument.
- Had anal sex with a welfare mother while simultaneoulsy smoking crack and shooting up heroin at a Kim Jong Il Fan Club meeting on national broadcast television.
- Is actually the former host of American Bandstand without hair dye:
Oooh. That last one might stick.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
TOP TEN THINGS THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA WILL MISS NOW THAT "THE REAL WORLD" HAS LEFT
10. More appearances by the giant inflatable rat. He's so cute!
9. Some black guy getting tossed out of the house on his ass.
8. Seven young, highly motivated uh, advertising...or possibly fashion...or something...interns.
7. Lucrative revenue stream from hot tub cleaning and supplies.
6. Lucrative revenue stream from bail bondsmen and process servers.
5. Roommates' constant complaints about the smell.
4. Gripping video of Caleb from Arkansas eating his first cheese steak.
3. Some serious sex with roommates' visiting girlfriends/boyfriends.
2. Guest star Jack Osborne pissing on the Liberty Bell.
And the number one thing the City of Philadelphia will miss now that "The Real World" has left is:
1. "Total Request Live" from Independence Hall!
10. More appearances by the giant inflatable rat. He's so cute!
9. Some black guy getting tossed out of the house on his ass.
8. Seven young, highly motivated uh, advertising...or possibly fashion...or something...interns.
7. Lucrative revenue stream from hot tub cleaning and supplies.
6. Lucrative revenue stream from bail bondsmen and process servers.
5. Roommates' constant complaints about the smell.
4. Gripping video of Caleb from Arkansas eating his first cheese steak.
3. Some serious sex with roommates' visiting girlfriends/boyfriends.
2. Guest star Jack Osborne pissing on the Liberty Bell.
And the number one thing the City of Philadelphia will miss now that "The Real World" has left is:
1. "Total Request Live" from Independence Hall!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
THE WEARIN' O' THE PUKE
It's St. Patrick's Day. I wonder, do full-time alcoholics get defensive on St. Patrick's Day? I mean, do they sit around saying, "Where the hell are you people the rest of the year? Welcome to my world! Have fun with that hangover tomorrow, you lousy solid citizens!" Or are they pretty much the only ones who are getting drunk today just like every other day?
It's St. Patrick's Day. I wonder, do full-time alcoholics get defensive on St. Patrick's Day? I mean, do they sit around saying, "Where the hell are you people the rest of the year? Welcome to my world! Have fun with that hangover tomorrow, you lousy solid citizens!" Or are they pretty much the only ones who are getting drunk today just like every other day?
Monday, March 15, 2004
OH GOD
According to the NY Times, Hollywood executives are rethinking faith films in light of the success of Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ".
Some movies in the pipeline include:
"David" by Jerry Bruckheimer Productions. Goliath gives him all he can handle, until David kicks some Philistine ass! Starring Colin Farrell.
"Sodom and Gomorrah", by Paul Verhoeven. They don't call it "sodomy" for nothing! Starring Sharon Stone, Elizabeth Berkley, and Mr. T.
"Genesis: The Trilogy", from the Wachowski Brothers. Keanu Reeves is Adam, leader of a new race in a new world. But is it real? After watching all three films, you may still not know. Also starring Carrie-Ann Moss as Eve.
"Jonah", by The Farrelly Brothers. Living inside a whale is even more disgusting (and hilarious) than it sounds! With Jim Carrey and David Spade as the voice of the whale.
"Teen Jesus", from the makers of the "American Pie" series. Jesus tries to get into a good carpentry school with the help of the irrepressible Judas and a cast of wacky teen apostles! Topher Grace is the Messiah, and Jack Black is his wisecracking betrayor-to-be.
According to the NY Times, Hollywood executives are rethinking faith films in light of the success of Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ".
Some movies in the pipeline include:
"David" by Jerry Bruckheimer Productions. Goliath gives him all he can handle, until David kicks some Philistine ass! Starring Colin Farrell.
"Sodom and Gomorrah", by Paul Verhoeven. They don't call it "sodomy" for nothing! Starring Sharon Stone, Elizabeth Berkley, and Mr. T.
"Genesis: The Trilogy", from the Wachowski Brothers. Keanu Reeves is Adam, leader of a new race in a new world. But is it real? After watching all three films, you may still not know. Also starring Carrie-Ann Moss as Eve.
"Jonah", by The Farrelly Brothers. Living inside a whale is even more disgusting (and hilarious) than it sounds! With Jim Carrey and David Spade as the voice of the whale.
"Teen Jesus", from the makers of the "American Pie" series. Jesus tries to get into a good carpentry school with the help of the irrepressible Judas and a cast of wacky teen apostles! Topher Grace is the Messiah, and Jack Black is his wisecracking betrayor-to-be.
NEVER MIND
I'm not doing the stupid lame Sopranos bit this week or ever again. I've got absolutely nothing, and there's no point in trying to force it. I rarely watch TV aside from HBO any more, and it's very hard to make fun of something you don't watch. That was the whole point of this bit, in case you didn't get it. The Sopranos is actually a good show, and nearly everything else on TV is crap. So, I created this scenario of what the Sopranos would be if it was on any other channel, which basically amounts to that it would also be crap. It's kind of an obvious point, and I no longer feel compelled to make it.
Other than that, I have nothing to say. Here's a joke from last year at about this time that still holds up pretty well.
I'm not doing the stupid lame Sopranos bit this week or ever again. I've got absolutely nothing, and there's no point in trying to force it. I rarely watch TV aside from HBO any more, and it's very hard to make fun of something you don't watch. That was the whole point of this bit, in case you didn't get it. The Sopranos is actually a good show, and nearly everything else on TV is crap. So, I created this scenario of what the Sopranos would be if it was on any other channel, which basically amounts to that it would also be crap. It's kind of an obvious point, and I no longer feel compelled to make it.
Other than that, I have nothing to say. Here's a joke from last year at about this time that still holds up pretty well.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
HOW TOUCHING...
Create your own Bush/Cheney poster here! (Use the "city" field to create your own message.)
Create your own Bush/Cheney poster here! (Use the "city" field to create your own message.)
Monday, March 08, 2004
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "THE SOPRANOS" HAD HBO MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
I can't believe I'm doing this pathetic bit again. Oh well, here we go for season 5. I gotta write something in this thing.
This week's network is NBC.
SCENE: Carmella sends A.J. on an errand, and a bear appears in the back yard.
EXTRA SCENE: "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" drops in to give A.J. a makeover, but after watching him repeatedly scream, "Mommy", they decide their work is done.
SCENE: Carmine has a stroke and nearly chokes on his egg salad.
EXTRA SCENE: The "Fear Factor" final challenge is to give Carmine mouth-to-mouth, and then eat the egg salad.
SCENE: Feech La Manna asks Tony if he can "get back in the game".
EXTRA SCENE: To everyone's surprise, the game is "The Apprentice". Donald Trump immediately appoints Feech to Project Manager of Versacorp over the protests of Nick, whose lifeless body is later found in a dumpster on 7th Avenue.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts shoots a waiter who is having an epilectic seizure after the waiter complained about not getting a tip and Christopher beaned him with a rock.
EXTRA SCENE: The "ER" gang medi-vacs in and stabilizes the waiter, but only after smolderingly sexy Dr. Luka Kovac finally decides which hot County General chick to bang steady.
SCENE: Dr. Melfi rejects Tony's advances after Tony confronts her in her office.
EXTRA SCENE: Phoebe sets up Tony with Rachel, Ross gets jealous, and hilarity (and high-caliber weaponry) ensues. So much for a Ross spin-off!
I can't believe I'm doing this pathetic bit again. Oh well, here we go for season 5. I gotta write something in this thing.
This week's network is NBC.
SCENE: Carmella sends A.J. on an errand, and a bear appears in the back yard.
EXTRA SCENE: "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" drops in to give A.J. a makeover, but after watching him repeatedly scream, "Mommy", they decide their work is done.
SCENE: Carmine has a stroke and nearly chokes on his egg salad.
EXTRA SCENE: The "Fear Factor" final challenge is to give Carmine mouth-to-mouth, and then eat the egg salad.
SCENE: Feech La Manna asks Tony if he can "get back in the game".
EXTRA SCENE: To everyone's surprise, the game is "The Apprentice". Donald Trump immediately appoints Feech to Project Manager of Versacorp over the protests of Nick, whose lifeless body is later found in a dumpster on 7th Avenue.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts shoots a waiter who is having an epilectic seizure after the waiter complained about not getting a tip and Christopher beaned him with a rock.
EXTRA SCENE: The "ER" gang medi-vacs in and stabilizes the waiter, but only after smolderingly sexy Dr. Luka Kovac finally decides which hot County General chick to bang steady.
SCENE: Dr. Melfi rejects Tony's advances after Tony confronts her in her office.
EXTRA SCENE: Phoebe sets up Tony with Rachel, Ross gets jealous, and hilarity (and high-caliber weaponry) ensues. So much for a Ross spin-off!
Thursday, March 04, 2004
MAKING THE GRADE
The NCAA released documents today listing some of the test questions from Georgia assistant men's basketball coach Jim Harrick, Jr.'s class, Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball. Among the questions were, "How many points is a 3-pointer worth?"
Now some may say these questions were a bit on the easy side, but TCP would beg to differ. I mean, at least these questions involved some math. The crack research staff here at the Project sifted through some of the hundreds of documents that the NCAA discarded during this investigation, and we were able to locate some questions that Harrick decided not to use because even he thought they were too easy for the average college basketball player. Here are a few:
#34. You're on a recruiting trip, and the upperclassman assigned to you has passed out, leaving you alone with two hotties who are trying to get you to play strip poker. Do you:
a. Notify the nearest Resident Advisor of your predicament, and call the NCAA ethics hotline when you get home.
b. Attempt to wake up your Upperclassman, and politely tell the hotties to leave.
c. Never try to draw to an inside straight, especially if one or both of the hotties is only wearing her underwear.
#42. One of your teammates has apparently shot and killed another one of your teammates, and your coach is trying to get you to tell the investigating committee that the teammate who was killed was a drug dealer in order to cover up the fact that he, you, and several other of your teammates have been receiving illegal payments. You should:
a. Notify the NCAA ethics hotline immediately.
b. Refuse to spread the falsehoods and promptly alert the authorities.
c. Transfer to another school, claiming hardship so you don't have to skip a year, and blab everything to ESPN.
#67. Your school has been cited for numerous recruiting violations, some involving you. Your coach has given you the option to play out the season, or forfeit the remaining games. You should:
a. Suck it up and play. You caused some of these problems, and you should bear some of the responsibility. The fans expect and deserve for you to play.
b. Play the games, but as soon as possible come clean to the NCAA over all possible recruiting violations you've been involved in.
c. Spring Break, Cancun style! Kick it, baby!
The NCAA released documents today listing some of the test questions from Georgia assistant men's basketball coach Jim Harrick, Jr.'s class, Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball. Among the questions were, "How many points is a 3-pointer worth?"
Now some may say these questions were a bit on the easy side, but TCP would beg to differ. I mean, at least these questions involved some math. The crack research staff here at the Project sifted through some of the hundreds of documents that the NCAA discarded during this investigation, and we were able to locate some questions that Harrick decided not to use because even he thought they were too easy for the average college basketball player. Here are a few:
#34. You're on a recruiting trip, and the upperclassman assigned to you has passed out, leaving you alone with two hotties who are trying to get you to play strip poker. Do you:
a. Notify the nearest Resident Advisor of your predicament, and call the NCAA ethics hotline when you get home.
b. Attempt to wake up your Upperclassman, and politely tell the hotties to leave.
c. Never try to draw to an inside straight, especially if one or both of the hotties is only wearing her underwear.
#42. One of your teammates has apparently shot and killed another one of your teammates, and your coach is trying to get you to tell the investigating committee that the teammate who was killed was a drug dealer in order to cover up the fact that he, you, and several other of your teammates have been receiving illegal payments. You should:
a. Notify the NCAA ethics hotline immediately.
b. Refuse to spread the falsehoods and promptly alert the authorities.
c. Transfer to another school, claiming hardship so you don't have to skip a year, and blab everything to ESPN.
#67. Your school has been cited for numerous recruiting violations, some involving you. Your coach has given you the option to play out the season, or forfeit the remaining games. You should:
a. Suck it up and play. You caused some of these problems, and you should bear some of the responsibility. The fans expect and deserve for you to play.
b. Play the games, but as soon as possible come clean to the NCAA over all possible recruiting violations you've been involved in.
c. Spring Break, Cancun style! Kick it, baby!
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
BE REALLY PREPARED
The White House announced yesterday that they would be bringing the Boy and Girl Scouts back to Iraq.
Of course, the merit badge system will be slightly different than the U.S. Here is a brief list of U.S. Merit badges (courtesy of USScouts.org) and their Iraqi equivalent:
The White House announced yesterday that they would be bringing the Boy and Girl Scouts back to Iraq.
Of course, the merit badge system will be slightly different than the U.S. Here is a brief list of U.S. Merit badges (courtesy of USScouts.org) and their Iraqi equivalent:
| U.S. | IRAQ |
| Archaeology | Looting |
| Atomic Energy | Procuring Yellowcake |
| Aviation | Box Cutter Concealment |
| Communications | Al-Jazeera Downlink |
| Energy | Oil Company Kickbacks |
| Genealogy | Avenging Ancient Wrongs |
| Landscape Architecture | Landmine Deployment |
| Law | Creative Punishment |
| Plumbing | N/A |
| Public Speaking | Incitement |
| Rifle Shooting | Shoulder Fired Missile Launching |
| Truck Transportation | Truck Detonation |
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Monday, March 01, 2004
ON GOLDEN MAN
Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:
- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"
- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!
- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.
- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.
- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!
- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.
- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.
- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:
Nice rack!
As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!
- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.
- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.
- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).
- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."
Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:
- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"
- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!
- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.
- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.
- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!
- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.
- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.
- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:
Nice rack!
As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!
- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.
- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.
- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).
- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."
Friday, February 27, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
A LITTLE TOO HIGH
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
HOT FOR TEACHER
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
Sunday, February 22, 2004
HE'S OUR MAN
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
BABY YOU CAN BUY MY LUNCH
Today I'll be celebrating my third consecutive provided-for lunch. I'm not calling it a "free lunch", because we all know there is no such thing. For these lunches, for example, I've had to endure three days of training. But there are lunches where you don't have to actually buy the food at the grocery store, prepare it, pack it, carry it, stuff it in the refrigerator in the industrially-appointed kitchen area, then at Noon go stand in front of the microwave praying that you don't have to be forced to interact with your co-workers while it heats up, and then eat it by attacking a gooey, rubbery mess inside of a Ziploc container, and then go back to the kitchen area to clean the dishes, while once again hoping not to have to make small talk.
No, these lunches involve getting in a car and leaving the workplace, sitting down at a restaurant and being served a meal cooked by a professional, having a fine conversation with people in your particular field of endeavor who have traveled long distances to be there, eating the meal, watching as one of the intrepid travelers pays for it on a company card, and then leaving the restaurant with a fine mint, perhaps, arriving back at work several minutes if not hours past the usual lunch-ending time. These lunches are those type of lunches. I like those type of lunches. And today is my third straight day of having one. Hurray!
Today I'll be celebrating my third consecutive provided-for lunch. I'm not calling it a "free lunch", because we all know there is no such thing. For these lunches, for example, I've had to endure three days of training. But there are lunches where you don't have to actually buy the food at the grocery store, prepare it, pack it, carry it, stuff it in the refrigerator in the industrially-appointed kitchen area, then at Noon go stand in front of the microwave praying that you don't have to be forced to interact with your co-workers while it heats up, and then eat it by attacking a gooey, rubbery mess inside of a Ziploc container, and then go back to the kitchen area to clean the dishes, while once again hoping not to have to make small talk.
No, these lunches involve getting in a car and leaving the workplace, sitting down at a restaurant and being served a meal cooked by a professional, having a fine conversation with people in your particular field of endeavor who have traveled long distances to be there, eating the meal, watching as one of the intrepid travelers pays for it on a company card, and then leaving the restaurant with a fine mint, perhaps, arriving back at work several minutes if not hours past the usual lunch-ending time. These lunches are those type of lunches. I like those type of lunches. And today is my third straight day of having one. Hurray!
Monday, February 16, 2004
BRONX CHEER
Removing the last obstacle for the New York Yankees' pending acquisition of slugger Alex Rodriguez, Major League Baseball has OK'd the trade, and in a related move, declared the Bronx Bombers to be World Series Champions for 2004.
Baseball Commissioner Allen H. "Bud" Selig presented the championship trophy to an elated George Steinbrenner in a brief ceremony at his office in Tampa, where the Yankees were to start Spring Training this week. "This is great!" said Steinbrenner. "We earned it, let me tell you. I want to thank the Commissioner, my General Manager Brian Cashman, and of course, Alex Rodriguez, for making this possible. Oh, yeah, and all the fans who pay me to get the YES Network on their cable boxes. This one's for them!"
Rodriguez, known popularly as A-Rod, would have played third base for the Yankees this season had there been one. "I'm just glad the Commissioner saw the light and decided to just give us a ring," said Rodriguez. "This sure beats playing a long hot season in Texas!"
At a press conference following the trophy presentation, Selig told a group of reporters, "It seemed like the right thing to do given the circumstances. I'd hate to see a bunch of guys get injured, operated on, experience the bitter taste of failure, what have you, all trying to do the impossible. Sure, some of the other teams will take a financial hit, but it just goes to show you how bad we need revenue sharing in baseball."
The Major League Baseball Players Association was consulted before the trade and the handing of the title to the Yankees, and gave their blessing. "As long as our guys get paid, it's no skin off our nose," said Union Director and General Counsel Donald Fehr.
The Yankees announced a ticker tape parade through Manhattan to begin at 1:00 PM tomorow to celebrate their 27th World Championship. Boston Red Sox fans were distraught as usual. "The Curse strikes again," moaned long-time Sox booster Dan O'Shaugnessy of South Boston. "We almost got A-Rod. If only we had $254 million, this could have been our year."
Removing the last obstacle for the New York Yankees' pending acquisition of slugger Alex Rodriguez, Major League Baseball has OK'd the trade, and in a related move, declared the Bronx Bombers to be World Series Champions for 2004.
Baseball Commissioner Allen H. "Bud" Selig presented the championship trophy to an elated George Steinbrenner in a brief ceremony at his office in Tampa, where the Yankees were to start Spring Training this week. "This is great!" said Steinbrenner. "We earned it, let me tell you. I want to thank the Commissioner, my General Manager Brian Cashman, and of course, Alex Rodriguez, for making this possible. Oh, yeah, and all the fans who pay me to get the YES Network on their cable boxes. This one's for them!"
Rodriguez, known popularly as A-Rod, would have played third base for the Yankees this season had there been one. "I'm just glad the Commissioner saw the light and decided to just give us a ring," said Rodriguez. "This sure beats playing a long hot season in Texas!"
At a press conference following the trophy presentation, Selig told a group of reporters, "It seemed like the right thing to do given the circumstances. I'd hate to see a bunch of guys get injured, operated on, experience the bitter taste of failure, what have you, all trying to do the impossible. Sure, some of the other teams will take a financial hit, but it just goes to show you how bad we need revenue sharing in baseball."
The Major League Baseball Players Association was consulted before the trade and the handing of the title to the Yankees, and gave their blessing. "As long as our guys get paid, it's no skin off our nose," said Union Director and General Counsel Donald Fehr.
The Yankees announced a ticker tape parade through Manhattan to begin at 1:00 PM tomorow to celebrate their 27th World Championship. Boston Red Sox fans were distraught as usual. "The Curse strikes again," moaned long-time Sox booster Dan O'Shaugnessy of South Boston. "We almost got A-Rod. If only we had $254 million, this could have been our year."
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
NOW SHOWING ON THE BIOGRAPHY CHANNEL, "HUCKLEBERRY FINN"
The Sci-Fi Channel has a reality show. Isn't the "Fi" part short for "fiction"? Oh, right, it's a reality TV show.
The Sci-Fi Channel has a reality show. Isn't the "Fi" part short for "fiction"? Oh, right, it's a reality TV show.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Friday, February 06, 2004
YOUTH HOSTILE
Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett won his first court battle to play in the NFL prior to the league-mandated three years after his high school class graduated. U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin found the NFL's eligibility rule violates anti-trust laws.
After the ruling, the San Diego Chargers announced that with the first pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, they would be selecting Michelle Wie.
Teenagers in the NFL...does that mean that every player will have a cell phone on the field?
Pretty soon the players will be so young, NFL training camps will have Indian names, be located near lakes, and every year they'll hold an "Arts and Crafts Day".
Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett won his first court battle to play in the NFL prior to the league-mandated three years after his high school class graduated. U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin found the NFL's eligibility rule violates anti-trust laws.
After the ruling, the San Diego Chargers announced that with the first pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, they would be selecting Michelle Wie.
Teenagers in the NFL...does that mean that every player will have a cell phone on the field?
Pretty soon the players will be so young, NFL training camps will have Indian names, be located near lakes, and every year they'll hold an "Arts and Crafts Day".
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME III
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR, WELL YOU GET THE IDEA
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
Monday, February 02, 2004
WEAPON OF MAMMARY DESTRUCTION
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
BEEN GONE SO LONG
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
UPCOMING VH-1 SHOWS
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
Monday, January 26, 2004
Friday, January 23, 2004
CHILDREN OF THE POPCORN
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
CAUCUS HORRIBILUS
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
Monday, January 19, 2004
PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
THE FEELING IS PARI-MUTUEL
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
HERMETICALLY SEALED
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
BLOG-FAST IN BED
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
Monday, January 12, 2004
THE EYES OF TEXAS WILL BE UPON ME...BUNCH OF PERVERTS
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
ONE GAME AWAY TIMES TWO
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Friday, January 09, 2004
NOW WE KNOW
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
HAIR-BRAINED
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
DISCOVERING MY WORLD
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
HE'S IN!
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Monday, January 05, 2004
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH NOT REQUIRED. WELL, GOLD WOULD BE NICE
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
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