SPOILER ALERT! Oh, hell, no one ever reads this. Luke dies. Fuck you all.
I went and saw The Last Jedi because I am genetically required to, having been a child when Star Wars came out in 1977. I didn't like it, and I will enumerate the reasons why without calling everyone who liked it an asshole on Twitter. I don't care what you think.
1. Kylo Ren is a terrible character, horribly miscast and badly written. Speaking of Twitter, the hilarious Twitter feed Emo Kylo Ren perfectly captures how risible this role is, and every time poor Adam Driver came on the screen, I thought of this feed. Driver is quite simply in the wrong movie. I like him as an actor and in contemporary roles, especially, he is excellent. He's a perfect Brooklyn hipster in "Girls," for example. He doesn't belong in a sci-fi space opera, nor does this stupid character. Kylo Ren should not be a callow, tempestuous 20-something idiot. To really fill Vader's shoes, he needs to be more ominous and ruthless and played by someone who can convey that sort of dread.
2. I do not care what happens to Poe and Finn. They mean nothing to me. They are one-dimensional, have no charisma, no motivation, and I don't know why they are in this movie or the last one. Again, Oscar Isaac and John Boyega are very good actors, but they have nothing to work with here. The characters are beyond under-written. They are ciphers.
3. Re: number 2, who the hell are Rose and Paige Tico? Why are random nobodies being inserted as love interests and crucial plot points? This is a saga, and it's in episode 8. This is not the time for this sort of thing. Also, Rose's line "I want to put my fist through this lousy, beautiful town" is perhaps the dumbest thing ever said by anyone ever.
4. It's too long. Get over yourself, Rian Johnson. Bring it in under two hours, already.
5. The story here is about Rey, who is excellently cast and written, and her relationship to Luke and the Jedi and Kylo. Mark Hamill was born to play the role of Luke and he is fantastic in it, and Daisy Ridley is a revelation, even more than she was in The Force Awakens. Why couldn't we have gotten a few more scenes with their dynamic and infinitely less with the characters that mean nothing to anyone?
6. I'm tired of the Force and all the dumb things it can and can't do, and nothing about the mechanics of space flight or space weaponry or space in general make any fucking sense at all in this film. It's exhausting. They are just making shit up as they go along, which is their prerogative, I guess, but I don't have to like it.
7. We need more Chewie, C-3PO and R2D2 to connect us to the earlier films. Being droids and an alien of indeterminate lifespan, these are essentially timeless characters you can insert into any scenario, and they should have been central to the plot instead of mere adjuncts. Plus, everybody loves them! Why are you keeping them in the background?
8. Who is Snoke? The main villain just appears from nowhere and we should be afraid of him because he looks mean and is powerful? That is just shit plot construction. And then they cut him in half out of nowhere. Completely fucked up, and also, a near shot for shot copy of what happened to Palpatine in Return Of The Jedi, except for the actual method of death. Lazy.
I liked Laura Dern, and of course, Carrie Fisher was great. Benicio Del Toro should get his own spinoff. Now go back to writing your Rose/Finn/Rey threesome fanfic.
I went and saw The Last Jedi because I am genetically required to, having been a child when Star Wars came out in 1977. I didn't like it, and I will enumerate the reasons why without calling everyone who liked it an asshole on Twitter. I don't care what you think.
1. Kylo Ren is a terrible character, horribly miscast and badly written. Speaking of Twitter, the hilarious Twitter feed Emo Kylo Ren perfectly captures how risible this role is, and every time poor Adam Driver came on the screen, I thought of this feed. Driver is quite simply in the wrong movie. I like him as an actor and in contemporary roles, especially, he is excellent. He's a perfect Brooklyn hipster in "Girls," for example. He doesn't belong in a sci-fi space opera, nor does this stupid character. Kylo Ren should not be a callow, tempestuous 20-something idiot. To really fill Vader's shoes, he needs to be more ominous and ruthless and played by someone who can convey that sort of dread.
2. I do not care what happens to Poe and Finn. They mean nothing to me. They are one-dimensional, have no charisma, no motivation, and I don't know why they are in this movie or the last one. Again, Oscar Isaac and John Boyega are very good actors, but they have nothing to work with here. The characters are beyond under-written. They are ciphers.
3. Re: number 2, who the hell are Rose and Paige Tico? Why are random nobodies being inserted as love interests and crucial plot points? This is a saga, and it's in episode 8. This is not the time for this sort of thing. Also, Rose's line "I want to put my fist through this lousy, beautiful town" is perhaps the dumbest thing ever said by anyone ever.
4. It's too long. Get over yourself, Rian Johnson. Bring it in under two hours, already.
5. The story here is about Rey, who is excellently cast and written, and her relationship to Luke and the Jedi and Kylo. Mark Hamill was born to play the role of Luke and he is fantastic in it, and Daisy Ridley is a revelation, even more than she was in The Force Awakens. Why couldn't we have gotten a few more scenes with their dynamic and infinitely less with the characters that mean nothing to anyone?
6. I'm tired of the Force and all the dumb things it can and can't do, and nothing about the mechanics of space flight or space weaponry or space in general make any fucking sense at all in this film. It's exhausting. They are just making shit up as they go along, which is their prerogative, I guess, but I don't have to like it.
7. We need more Chewie, C-3PO and R2D2 to connect us to the earlier films. Being droids and an alien of indeterminate lifespan, these are essentially timeless characters you can insert into any scenario, and they should have been central to the plot instead of mere adjuncts. Plus, everybody loves them! Why are you keeping them in the background?
8. Who is Snoke? The main villain just appears from nowhere and we should be afraid of him because he looks mean and is powerful? That is just shit plot construction. And then they cut him in half out of nowhere. Completely fucked up, and also, a near shot for shot copy of what happened to Palpatine in Return Of The Jedi, except for the actual method of death. Lazy.
I liked Laura Dern, and of course, Carrie Fisher was great. Benicio Del Toro should get his own spinoff. Now go back to writing your Rose/Finn/Rey threesome fanfic.