THE OTHER END OF THE BELL CURVE
In the mail today came the quarterly alumni newsletter from my dear old Alma Mater. This periodical seems to exist to say two and only two things: 1) Everyone else who graduated in your class is doing better than you, and 2) Send us some money.
I suppose there isn't much anyone can do about thing #2. They're always going to need some scratch. Thing #1, though, seems easily remedied. Just once, they could print something along these lines, to make us moderately successful semi-achievers feel better:
William Jablonksi, '89 ChemE. Bill was demoted from assistant operations superintendent at HugeCo when his supervisor caught him playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on his office PC for 8 hours straight. After much soul searching, Bill decided to quit and start his own web development company. Several months passed as Bill half-heartedly tried and ultimately failed to recruit other unhappy HugeCo employees to join his new firm. The year came to a close with Bill doing his under-developed magic show for local children's parties and submitting vitriolic entries to the HugeCo stock message board on Yahoo. Bill is now planning a hiking trip through Europe with what's left of his 401K plan, to culminate in a pathetic sex and hashish-filled binge in Amsterdam. On the personal side, Bill is a confirmed commitment-phobe with a half dozen ex-girlfriends who no longer speak to him.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME II
A while back we here at TCP introduced a feature we call "SIC SAD WORLDTM", wherein we highlight passages, usually quotations, from the media that need no further embellishment, and can be taken "as written", or "sic" in Latin.
Today, we present the second item in the SIC SAD WORLDTM catalog. This comes from a story by Reuters about a statue of Padre Pio in Rome that is allegedly weeping blood.
A national consumer protection group warned against a possible hoax, saying devotees of Padre Pio had been swindled in the past. "Let's be careful before shouting 'miracle'," the Codacons consumer group said in a statement.
* No, it's not really trademarked. What are you going to do, seize my 1991 Beretta? It's all yours.
A while back we here at TCP introduced a feature we call "SIC SAD WORLDTM", wherein we highlight passages, usually quotations, from the media that need no further embellishment, and can be taken "as written", or "sic" in Latin.
Today, we present the second item in the SIC SAD WORLDTM catalog. This comes from a story by Reuters about a statue of Padre Pio in Rome that is allegedly weeping blood.
A national consumer protection group warned against a possible hoax, saying devotees of Padre Pio had been swindled in the past. "Let's be careful before shouting 'miracle'," the Codacons consumer group said in a statement.
* No, it's not really trademarked. What are you going to do, seize my 1991 Beretta? It's all yours.
RSS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH STD
I finally figured out what RSS is, thanks to Salon.com's Scott Rosenberg. My RSS feed is at http://crossbowproject.org/index.rdf, and there is a link below. Aggregate me, baby!
Yes, I do have a college degree, I'm just a little slow on the uptake sometimes. So, who's this Paris Hilton?
I finally figured out what RSS is, thanks to Salon.com's Scott Rosenberg. My RSS feed is at http://crossbowproject.org/index.rdf, and there is a link below. Aggregate me, baby!
Yes, I do have a college degree, I'm just a little slow on the uptake sometimes. So, who's this Paris Hilton?
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
BELGIAN WAFFLE
The sports chattering classes are up in arms over Belgian tennis player Kim Clijster's decision to forego the 2004 Olympics in Athens because the Belgian national team will wear Adidas and Clijsters has an apparel contract with Fila.
There's an easy and obvious way for Clijsters to transcend this problem: Play Naked! She may have a slight problem, you know, up top running down shots at any kind of speed, but, frankly, who would even care if she wins? The ratings would be through the roof. In fact, judging from the overwhelming desire of people to see certain female golfers nude, they may have to build an entire new Internet just to handle the traffic to view the videos and photos from the match. It would spark a global boom in web server, router, and cable modem sales and administration, and the resulting good will might convince other female and even male athletes to compete au naturel. Pretty soon, all sports will be played in the buff, followed by all films and TV shows being acted unattired. Eventually, all pop culture will be conducted sans clothing, and then all public institutions, including Congress, will go starkers. And then we'll finally get to see this guy naked.
On second thought, Kim, never mind.
The sports chattering classes are up in arms over Belgian tennis player Kim Clijster's decision to forego the 2004 Olympics in Athens because the Belgian national team will wear Adidas and Clijsters has an apparel contract with Fila.
There's an easy and obvious way for Clijsters to transcend this problem: Play Naked! She may have a slight problem, you know, up top running down shots at any kind of speed, but, frankly, who would even care if she wins? The ratings would be through the roof. In fact, judging from the overwhelming desire of people to see certain female golfers nude, they may have to build an entire new Internet just to handle the traffic to view the videos and photos from the match. It would spark a global boom in web server, router, and cable modem sales and administration, and the resulting good will might convince other female and even male athletes to compete au naturel. Pretty soon, all sports will be played in the buff, followed by all films and TV shows being acted unattired. Eventually, all pop culture will be conducted sans clothing, and then all public institutions, including Congress, will go starkers. And then we'll finally get to see this guy naked.
On second thought, Kim, never mind.
Monday, December 01, 2003
AD HOMINEM
OK, Lexus, I give up. You know what? I'm going to take your suggestion and surprise my wife with a $50,000 vehicle this Christmas by hiding the keys in a snowman, or a toy train, or some other iconic Christmassy symbol. Yup, that's what I'm going to do, because I'm MADE of money. Between my pissant job and this blog, I'm ROLLING in it. Which is why I watch NFL Football on Sundays. I'm living so far in the lap of luxury, it's positively breathtaking, and my viewing habits reflect that. So, I'm going to go right on down to my nearest Lexus dealer and tell the cheerful salesperson to wrap a bow on it and deliver it to my palatial estate so my wife can beam with joy at her new luxury SUV. Now please, get off my ass you motherfucking dickweeds.
OK, Lexus, I give up. You know what? I'm going to take your suggestion and surprise my wife with a $50,000 vehicle this Christmas by hiding the keys in a snowman, or a toy train, or some other iconic Christmassy symbol. Yup, that's what I'm going to do, because I'm MADE of money. Between my pissant job and this blog, I'm ROLLING in it. Which is why I watch NFL Football on Sundays. I'm living so far in the lap of luxury, it's positively breathtaking, and my viewing habits reflect that. So, I'm going to go right on down to my nearest Lexus dealer and tell the cheerful salesperson to wrap a bow on it and deliver it to my palatial estate so my wife can beam with joy at her new luxury SUV. Now please, get off my ass you motherfucking dickweeds.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
SORRY, GUYS
Over the weekend, top female golfer Annika Sorenstam played in the annual Skins Game against Fred Couples, Mark O'Meara and Phil Mickelson. She finshed second in money winnings to Couples.
Unfortunately for many accidental viewers of TCP, she did not appear in her underwear or in the nude, and she did not expose her nipples. Except, of course, for some secret, hot Hot HOT photos obtained by TCP, which I will be not be sharing with you complete fucking morons.
Over the weekend, top female golfer Annika Sorenstam played in the annual Skins Game against Fred Couples, Mark O'Meara and Phil Mickelson. She finshed second in money winnings to Couples.
Unfortunately for many accidental viewers of TCP, she did not appear in her underwear or in the nude, and she did not expose her nipples. Except, of course, for some secret, hot Hot HOT photos obtained by TCP, which I will be not be sharing with you complete fucking morons.
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