WHEN YOU WISH UPON A PERLE

"President" George W. Bush, yesterday:

"...(the) Taliban no longer is in existence."

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - Officials are investigating a series of puzzling disappearances of large numbers of soldiers, officials, and clerics that were, until yesterday, collectively known as the Taliban. "It was bizarre," said local resident Abdel Sharaz. "Once minute they were here, oppressing us, enforcing strict Sharia law, engaging in various military acts against the beleaguered Kabul government, and then, whoosh!, they were gone! It was like magic!"

Numerous reports around the war-ravaged country corroborate Sharaz' story. Armed men with beards and heavy weaponry who had, until yesterday, been in control of several mountainous sectors of Afghanistan near the Pakistani border suddenly vanished, seemingly in the blink of an eye. A senior White House official, when asked for comment, said, "Clearly, the will of this President is so strong that merely mentioning something in a speech can physically make it so. What other explanation could there be?"

Apparently not aware of the massive, sudden disappearance of the Taliban from the country, Kabul official Jailani Khan blamed the Taliban today for killing three Afghan soldiers. Also, US forces were clearly mistaken in arresting 15 "Taliban militia" members today near the Pakistan border. Finally, U.S. military spokesman Major Scott Nelson should be quickly retracting his statement today that "the international community must stand firm against a small minority of terrorists who oppose stability and democracy and are trying to deny the Afghan people the right to choose the president," now that the Taliban no longer exist.

"Um, we had a little lag in the information pipeline," said a senior White House official. "It's halfway around the world. What do you expect? Shoot, most of the American middle class doesn't even realize yet that they got a huge tax cut!"