YOU SPOKE FRENCH!
Canada, that nice country with all the moose, appointed a new Prime Minister, Paul Martin, today. At his first press conference, Mr. Martin spoke his second language, French, better than Bush can speak, uh, whatever the hell it is he speaks.
That's it. I guess we know the answer to yesterday's poll now.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Thursday, December 11, 2003
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
TOP TEN REASONS MEL GIBSON SHOULD USE TO CONVINCE THEATERS TO SHOW "THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST" THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON
10. Filmgoers can use it as a chance to brush up on their Aramaic.
9. Marketing tie-ins with 84 Lumber.
8. 37% reduction of Jew-blaming in the final cut.
7. James Caviezel looks hot in a loincloth.
6. Vatican-approved, unlike Lethal Weapon 1, 2, and 3 (The Pope liked the Chris Rock character in 4).
5. Two words: Mary Magdelene!
4. Nerds in line for "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King" dressed as Gollum will fit right in.
3. Last Supper scene will help increase sales of Twizzler Combo Packs.
2. Pontius Pilate to be played by Britney Spears in select theaters.
And the No. 1 reason Mel Gibson should use to convince theaters to show "The Passion Of The Christ" this Christmas season is:
1. Our society has completely lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas and has reduced the holiday to a consumer driven frenzy of - ah fuck it, I'm Mel Gibson, dammit, doesn't that mean anything any more?
10. Filmgoers can use it as a chance to brush up on their Aramaic.
9. Marketing tie-ins with 84 Lumber.
8. 37% reduction of Jew-blaming in the final cut.
7. James Caviezel looks hot in a loincloth.
6. Vatican-approved, unlike Lethal Weapon 1, 2, and 3 (The Pope liked the Chris Rock character in 4).
5. Two words: Mary Magdelene!
4. Nerds in line for "Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King" dressed as Gollum will fit right in.
3. Last Supper scene will help increase sales of Twizzler Combo Packs.
2. Pontius Pilate to be played by Britney Spears in select theaters.
And the No. 1 reason Mel Gibson should use to convince theaters to show "The Passion Of The Christ" this Christmas season is:
1. Our society has completely lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas and has reduced the holiday to a consumer driven frenzy of - ah fuck it, I'm Mel Gibson, dammit, doesn't that mean anything any more?
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
MY DEAR
In a stunning development today, the Bowl Championship Series has announced that its computers have reversed their earlier decision and named Lagos State University of Nigeria to play Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl for the national collegiate football championship.
"Well, we received this e-mail from Mr. Obuju Ngeye, son of the former Nigerian foreign minister, saying that we could receive 10% of a $50 million dollar fortune that the Nigerian government had frozen in a Swiss bank account," said BCS spokeman James Caldwell. "Naturally, we were very interested, so we clicked on an attachment in the e-mail, and the next thing we knew, Lagos State was the No. 1 BCS team."
Officials at the BCS say that there isn't much recourse available to them at this point, since BCS by-laws stipulate that the computer results are final. "It doesn't look right, but hey, what can you do?" asked BCS coordinator Mike Tranghese. "I just hope Lagos has a pretty good pass defense, or it could be a long night."
Mr. Ngeye could not be reached for comment, but someone by the name of Kahdri did promise to respond to the story "soon" after we gave him our checking account number.
In a stunning development today, the Bowl Championship Series has announced that its computers have reversed their earlier decision and named Lagos State University of Nigeria to play Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl for the national collegiate football championship.
"Well, we received this e-mail from Mr. Obuju Ngeye, son of the former Nigerian foreign minister, saying that we could receive 10% of a $50 million dollar fortune that the Nigerian government had frozen in a Swiss bank account," said BCS spokeman James Caldwell. "Naturally, we were very interested, so we clicked on an attachment in the e-mail, and the next thing we knew, Lagos State was the No. 1 BCS team."
Officials at the BCS say that there isn't much recourse available to them at this point, since BCS by-laws stipulate that the computer results are final. "It doesn't look right, but hey, what can you do?" asked BCS coordinator Mike Tranghese. "I just hope Lagos has a pretty good pass defense, or it could be a long night."
Mr. Ngeye could not be reached for comment, but someone by the name of Kahdri did promise to respond to the story "soon" after we gave him our checking account number.
Monday, December 08, 2003
AN ODE TO ORCHARD PARK
I didn't post anything yesterday because I was riveted to the the local CBS affiliate's telecast of the spellbinding NFL matchup between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills, two teams who were only two games under .500 entering the contest, on the lush, beautiful FieldTurf of Ralph Wilson Stadium. My heart leapt as brave Jets kicker Doug Brien lofted two arching parabolas into the evening western New York sky and through the towering uprights for the Jets final total of six points. I did metaphorical cartwheels as stalwart Bills Wide Receiver Josh Reed balletically snared a six yard Drew Bledsoe pass for the winning score with only 13 minutes left in the first half.
The only thing marring the broadcast were those pesky updates in the corner of the screen, detailing the petty, lesser exploits of winning teams that only petty, lesser cities were watching live. Why do we need to know what is happening in the unreachable strata of playoff teams when we can enjoy the courageous battle between two also-rans unfolding before us? The answer, as with the minds of local affiliate programmers, will remain inscrutable to the last.
I didn't post anything yesterday because I was riveted to the the local CBS affiliate's telecast of the spellbinding NFL matchup between the New York Jets and the Buffalo Bills, two teams who were only two games under .500 entering the contest, on the lush, beautiful FieldTurf of Ralph Wilson Stadium. My heart leapt as brave Jets kicker Doug Brien lofted two arching parabolas into the evening western New York sky and through the towering uprights for the Jets final total of six points. I did metaphorical cartwheels as stalwart Bills Wide Receiver Josh Reed balletically snared a six yard Drew Bledsoe pass for the winning score with only 13 minutes left in the first half.
The only thing marring the broadcast were those pesky updates in the corner of the screen, detailing the petty, lesser exploits of winning teams that only petty, lesser cities were watching live. Why do we need to know what is happening in the unreachable strata of playoff teams when we can enjoy the courageous battle between two also-rans unfolding before us? The answer, as with the minds of local affiliate programmers, will remain inscrutable to the last.
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