NOW THAT'S MARKET RESEARCH
Well, at least they hired a guy with experience.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
A LITTLE TOO HIGH
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Yes, folks, today Comcast came out and officially ferried me across the digital TV divide! I am now the proud watcher of High Definition Television. It went pretty well, aside from the fact they unnecessarily unhooked my DVD player, couldn't figure out what channel the High-Def signal was coming in on the receiver, which caused them to tell my wife it was broken and they would be back "later", forcing her to sit at home waiting for them when it was actually working fine, and left me the new multi-function cable box remote without any codes to program my other devices, but hey, you can do that when you're a monopoly that is threatening to buy pretty much every entertainment company in the known universe, and is hosting this web site, so I must now shut up. That sentence was too long anyway.
Anyway, the picture is great. I must say, you haven't lived until you've seen Oprah's acne scars!
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
HOT FOR TEACHER
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.
"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."
Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"
Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."
Sunday, February 22, 2004
HE'S OUR MAN
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
Every village has to have its idiot, and Preston Lit is Philadelphia's. It's a pretty impressive honor to be the village idiot of the nation's fifth largest city, so let's see what Mr. Lit has done to deserve it.
- In 1996, he harrassed a male news reporter for the local NBC affiliate who he was in love with and thought was Jesus, and led police on a 120-mile high speed chase.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in 2002.
- Barked like a dog and turned over a table during court proceedings after that arrest.
- Missed his parole hearing last month, then dumped trash all over his yard.
- Placed a fake bomb in a mailbox in Northeast Philadelphia last week.
- Left several suspicious packages at the Philadelphia International Airport last week.
- Checked into a hotel room last night and sprayed grafitti all over the walls and left a package for Al-Qaeda.
The FBI and the Philadelphia Police Department, seemingly more amused than alarmed, have not yet apprehended Mr. Lit, and he remains on the loose, both literally and figuratively. So if you see any stark raving lunatics carrying paper bags and muttering religious-themed love sonnets to Steve Levy, please return him to Philadelphia. We need our idiot back. Oh, we have several other candidates ready to step in, but it just wouldn't be the same without Preston. Thanks.
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