It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)