THIS IS ASSUMING TRUMP DOESN'T BAN BASEBALL FOR BEING "SAD!"

The Cubs are returning World Champs! And we have the stupidest human on Earth as President! I feel like those two go together in terms of things I never hoped to see in my lifetime. What fresh horrors will 2017 bring? Let's get to it.

NL EAST

The Nationals will be expecting big crowds in DC for a few years from people actively avoiding cable news. The Mets have the Big Five! Wait, the Big Four! Wait, Robert Gsellman? Seth Lugo? A spot start by Gabriel Ynoa, maybe? Oy. In Miami, Giancarlo Stanton of the Marlins will hit a ball to Cuba, which will prompt a "Bay Of Pigs" type nuclear standoff involving Twitter. The rebuilding process - sorry, I mean rebuiliding "thingy" - in Philadelphia will propel the Phillies all the way to a slightly more tenable 4th place. Cobb County's Braves have gone with a youth movement (provided you are a Galapagos Island tortoise) by signing Bartolo Colon and R.A. Dickey. The new park will not come equipped with a radar gun readout, I would hope.

NL CENTRAL

What can I say about the Cubs that the Murray brothers haven't slurred into various iPhones the last 6 months? The rest of the NL is hoping for some kind of superbug outbreak on the North Side of Chicago. The Cardinals, meanwhile, were last seen at a DNA sequencing lab. They also signed Dexter Fowler away from the Cubbies just in case they can't weaponize avian flu or whatever. In Pittsburgh, Pirates fans are saddened at the sudden ending of the short-lived Joey Terdoslavich era, whose last name sounds like something that goes on a Primanti Brothers sandwich, or is the result of a Primanti Brothers sandwich. The Brewers play baseball professionally, it is rumored. Bronson Arroyo was briefly back for the Reds! That tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about the Reds!

NL WEST

The Dodgers have so much money, they are slowly acquiring ex-Phillies in some kind of sick parlor game and still winning. Up the coast, the Giants have picked up Mark Melancon, and will be retiring Sergio Romo to a boutique slider farm up in Napa Valley. Nolan Arenado, DJ LeMahieu, Carlos Gonzalez, and Charlie Blackmon will be learning how to pitch for the Rockies this year because, why the hell not? The Padres GM A.J. Preller has installed software on loan from Wall Street that will execute 1,000 microtrades per second. To what end, I have no idea. In Phoenix, the D'Backs are agitating for a new stadium because, one would guess, the pool in the current one is mostly pee? Fresh water *is* expensive there.

East Champ : Nationals
Central Champ : Cubs
West Champ : Dodgers

Wild cards: Mets, Cardinals

Mets beat Cardinals

Cubs beat Mets
Nationals beat Dodgers

Cubs beat Nationals

AL EAST

Chris Sale changed footwear and will be making his famously violent sartorial critiques for the Red, not the White, Sox this year. Luckily, they haven't changed uniforms in Boston since before Whitey Bulger was wearing a onesie. The Blue Jays re-signed Jose Bautista, hoping he will work on his jab for the rematch with Rougie Odor. Aroldis Chapman is back with the Yankees. Bombers fans count this as their 27th and a half World Championship. The Orioles got 47 homers from Mark Trumbo last year but it didn't help because he was blacklisted. No wait, that was Dalton Trumbo. But the blacklist will be coming back, that much is certain. The Rays traded away Drew Smyly. Now, nothing much at the Trop will be smiley.

AL CENTRAL

The Team in Cleveland whose name should be changed got it together for a Series run, only to be the answer to a trivia question 108 years in the making. They are now the overall droughtmeisters in all of MLB. Theo Epstein is reportedly shopping for homes in Shaker Heights. The Royals big move this off-season was to trade their closer Wade Davis to the Cubs for underachieving outfielder Jorge Soler. I think they are taking the expression "to the victor go the spoils" too literally. Michael Fulmer, former Mets farmhand, won Rookie Of The Year and almost won the Cy Young for the Tigers. If I were the GM in Detroit, I would get a good Tommy John surgeon in my contact list is all I'm saying. Barack Obama returns to being the most famous civilian White Sox fan in America, at least until his extradition to Kenya is complete. The Twins finally went outside the organization for a GM. Unfortunately, he is not named Roger Dorn, who led the Twins to their most recent memorable (albeit fictional) season in 1998's "Major League: Back To The Minors".

AL WEST

Rougie Odor, his brother, Rougie Odor, and the rest of the Rangers will try to make another title run in one of their final years in a perfectly good stadium that will be cashiered for a stadium that had better be the cure for cancer at the price tag it's costing. My hometown Astros have Carlos Beltran back and have removed Tal's Hill, the feature that, along with Adam Wainwright's curveball, were the two worst things to ever happen to Beltran's knees. The Mariners had Mallex Smith for an hour. His greatness will not rub off. Or his lack of greatness will. Your choice. With Mark Davis moving the Raiders to Las Vegas, The Athletics have O.co Coliseum nearly all to themselves again. This includes fans, but not whatever creatures surface when the dugouts flood. The Angels will be signing Emma Stone to a long-term contract after the "La La Land" star won the Best Actress Oscar. I mean, it literally could not hurt.

East Champ : Red Sox
Central Champ : Indians
West Champ : Rangers

Wild cards: Blue Jays, Astros

Astros beat Blue Jays

Indians beat Astros
Rangers beat Red Sox

Rangers beat Indians

World Series: In a four game sweep not attended by a single Murray brother or even Eddie Vedder, the Cubs will repeat by trouncing the Rangers after Donald Trump deports both Rougie Odors after claims surface on Breitbart.com that they faked their birth certficates and that both of them are actually named Barack Hussein Obama.