LEAVE EVERY TINY LITTLE THING TO US

Holding hearings on steroids in baseball, issusing a subpeona to Terry Schiavo...welcome to your new and improved Full Service Congress!

You have a problem? We'll take it on! No problem is too small. Sure, we used to worry about stuff like war, civil rights, the Hawley-Smoot tariff, whatever the heck that was, but not anymore. Now we're focusing laser-like on your personal life. Yeah, you, buddy!

Got a neighbor playing his stereo too loud? Sounds like a job for the House International Relations Committee. Well, if your neighbor is Indian or something. God knows, sitar music isn't for everybody. The point is, Congress has nothing better to do! Nobody cares what we say about Iraq, Iran, or any of those other crazy places, or Social Security, or proliferation of nuclear material, or global warming (pffft!). Which is cool with us. We'd rather get some face time mediating disputes involving narrow issues that lots of our constituents are on one side of. It makes things so much easier.

So, sign up today! Contact your local Congressperson, and if you favorably answer the questions on our brief questionnaire (Question 1: Has this problem appeared on television on at least one major news network? Question 2: Do all your Republican friends agree on this issue?) we'll be holding hearings before you can say "abuse of power".