Tuesday, November 15, 2011

#OccupyOurMinds

So, I'm watching these Occupy protests from afar, and what's becoming of them, and I'm of two minds. I appreciate the sentiments of those participating, to the extent that I understand them. They are protesting the way corporate influence has corrupted the lawmaking and law-enforcing process. I have to side with the authorities, though, that setting up permanent encampments in public spaces is unsanitary, potentially dangerous, and not protected by the First Amendment or any other statute.

The Occupy movement seems to have taken as its template the Arab Spring uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, and other locations. The problem with using the Arab Spring as a template is that those uprisings had a very clear and tangible purpose: to depose the tyrannical regimes in those countries. Say what you will about the United States and its broken political system, but neither the Congress nor Barack Obama are tyrants. They serve at the pleasure of the people. The average off-year congressional election draws about 37% turnout. That is disgraceful. No system of government can possibly reflect the will of the people if only about a third of the eligible voters show up. This seems to me where the Occupiers should concentrate their efforts. Corporations dominate the political discourse because nearly two-thirds of America lets them.

What the Occupiers should do is set up a radical Congress Accountability organization. I'm not talking about one of these namby-pamby think tanks that pop up on NPR now and then. I'm talking about a truly radical organization that gets down and dirty. They should have 535 full-time Accountability Cops who shadow each member around Washington or wherever they go. When they aren't with the member, they should be doing research on whatever the member stands for, the legislation he/she sponsors, public pronouncements from the member, voting records, and any lobbyists the member meets with. There could be a team of different people who shadow the member in their district or when they are in Washington, and using social media, different people could sign up to shadow different members at various times. The organization would issue constant press releases to social media sites, local and national newspapers, cable news outlets, and wherever else detailng the members' official duties and providing analysis and original reporting about the members' performance. The Congress should not be able to make an official move without the organization knowing about it, logging it, and making it available on an easily searchable web site.

Funds for this organization could be raised through all sorts of channels, and it wouldn't take that much. The employees would generally be college kids or kids just out of college. If you organize it properly, you could divide up the work so that each Congressperson has 4 or 5 kids who take turns watching him, with one lead person per member compiling the information and publishing it. You would need a team of web developers, and several skilled publicists to get the information to the right sources. I think you could fund it with a few million per year, which shouldn't be that big a deal.

If you give people a consistent and easy-to-use tool for evaluating their member of Congress, they will be better informed and will be more likely to show up on election day to vote, and members will be more likely to follow the will of a larger number of voters.

It's amazing that nothing like this exists already. The technology exists, but no one has the will. That needs to change.

Friday, October 28, 2011

TOP TEN OTHER QUARTERBACKING MEMES THAT HAVEN'T CAUGHT ON (AT LEAST NOT YET)


10. Favreing - a photo of you taking a photo of your package (alternately, a video of yourself pacing back and forth in a confused state)

9. Manninging - photo of you licking a DoubleStuf Oreo with your brother

8. Vicking - shot of you holding prison bars

7. Roethlisbergering - just a shot of a closed bathroom door in a southern bar

6. Namathing - photo of you trying to kiss Suzy Kolber

5. Bradying - picture of you wearing Uggs and shaking your hair (alternately, kissing a Super Bowl trophy - had to throw that in)

4. Frerotting - photo of you slamming your head into a wall

3. Romoing - pic of you banging a blond country and western singer while fumbling

2. Theismanning - photo of you having a Lawrence Taylor look-alike give you a compound leg fracture

And the number one quarterbacking meme that hasn't caught on (at least not yet):

1. Lucking - shot of you dreading playing for the Dolphins

Friday, October 21, 2011

IF THIS THING ISN'T FOR DOCUMENTING MY WRONGNESS, THEN WHAT'S IT FOR?

Prediction: Obama wins in '12. The economy picks up, we get the fuck out of Iraq and Afghanistan finally, The Affordable Care Act is fully implemented, Al-Qaeda continues to fall apart and Obama leaves office in '17 to a media jerk-off the likes of which we haven't seen since, well, ever.

This dude is the "I Got This" President. He's got this.

Monday, October 10, 2011

#OccupyPrison

There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of people near Wall Street and in other places protesting...something. The latest all-encompassing term I've heard is "economic injustice". Sounds pretty good, if not specific

Here's something specific and tangible to protest: since the bank failures and economic collapse of 2008 brought on by massive amounts of FRAUD, not one single solitary high-level executive has been even indicted for FRAUD in relation to what happened. Not one! And you can pretty much indict a ham sandwich, so if some enterprising District Attorney somewhere wanted to, he or she could, within 24 hours probably, target and do research on a person involved in the whole Subprime Loan/Credit Default Swap/Bank Collapse debacle who committed FRAUD and put together a case for a grand jury who would recommend an indictment. This has not yet occurred. Ever. Not even once.

So let's do that! Come on, DA's! Do your fucking job!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

TCP's ALASKA: BACK TO NORMAL SUCKAGE

The garage door is fixed!

The second garage door company (not S****** B****** S***** - whoops again) delivered the new panel yesterday (a week late - which should be Alaska's motto. "Alaska: It's A Week Late". That sounds about right), and the guy came out and installed it, as well as fixing the opener. He did a fantastic job. Happiness, as John Lennon should have sung, is a warm car.

Now I can get back to the regularly scheduled miserable existence I was having before I BAM! took it up a notch.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

TCP's ALASKA: DOOR TO OBLIVION

Some eight weeks ago, life here in TCP's Alaska was a relative breeze. I went to work. I ate food. I slept. Repeat cycle.

Since then, however, things have changed, and my life has descended into a maelstrom pit of despair and hopelessness. Why, you didn't ask? I backed into the garage door of my rental house.

It was a typical morning. I awoke at 5 am, went to the gym, came back home, showered, dressed, and made my lunch. I opened the door to the garage, and just inside of the doorway, I pushed the button on the wall to open the automatic garage door opener. It started to go up, as it had every other morning, and I took no notice of it, as I typically don't.

At this point, I should say that the rental house came with a garage door opener remote that goes on your keychain. I had never seen that before (and now I know why). Stupidly, I had actually put the remote on my keychain. I had noticed that the remote would activate at strange times, such as when I was pulling my keys out of my pocket or turning the ignition key or whatever, but it did not occur to me that this might be a major problem. Until this very morning in question.

So, I exited the house into the garage, pushed the garage door opener button on the wall, and proceeded to my SUV. I entered the car, peeked out the rear view mirror to make sure things were clear (no moose or neighbor children or other such wildlife), turned the ignition key, and put the car in reverse. And then WHAM! What the hell was that? I got out of the vehicle, and that's when I noticed that the garage door had not gone all the way up, and I had struck the bottom panel of the door with my car. FUUUUUUUCCCKKK! It was bowed out, and the wheels were out of the tracks. Like an idiot, I panicked and hit the garage door remote on my keychain. The door moved a couple of inches and started crumpling on the sides, and then stopped with a sickening crunch.

Clearly, as I was entering the SUV, the keychain remote had activated and had caused the door to stop going up. I didn't notice it because the door was just high enough to not be seen out of the rear view mirror, but not high enough so that the SUV would pass under it. Again, FUUUCCCCKKKK!

The door was now hopelessly stuck, and I couldn't even get the SUV out through the other, smaller garage door. On top of that, I had left my cell phone at work the night before and had no way of calling anyone. After maneuvering my SUV around to no avail, I gave up and e-mailed my co-workers an SOS to come and help me and bring my cell phone. One did, and we managed to remove the crumpled door panel from the door. As my co-worker removed the last bolt on the last hinge, the door panel struck me square on the head because I was stupidly standing right underneath it. This was shaping up to be a really miserable day. Little did I know that the day would never end.

Later that day, I decided I didn't want to leave the door with the bottom panel missing, and I thought it would be better if if I closed the door so that the missing panel was the top one. That would make it harder for people and animals to get in. My co-worker, in the interest of safety, had unplugged the garage door opener that morning, and it never occurred to me to plug it back in and try to use it to close the door. Instead, I got up with a ladder to start moving the door, and since there was no garage door opener to stop it, and the three remaining panels are VERY HEAVY, it came hurtling down as fast as lightning, crashing loudly as it hit the pavement. A couple of more wheels came off the track, the garage door opener linkage mechanism snapped off, and the door stuck in that position, which actually wasn't a bad deal. I could easily have lost a limb if one had been in the way, but fortunately, one wasn't.

Well, now at least things were stable and relatively secure. I stapled some cardboard and plastic sheeting over the opening to keep out most of the weather, and waited for word on when the replacement panel might show up. This is when things really get depressing.

I checked a local door and window place, and they said that they wouldn't be able to even come out and look at it until the following Monday. I tried another, and they said that they would just order the door panel from the first guys and mark it up, so I was better off going with the first guys. I e-mailed the owner of the house, and he said I should talk to a local builders supply chain, who were the guys who built the door originally. I won't name them because I'm about to rip them an new asshole online.

In any event, these business geniuses sent over an installer, and he took measurements and made a parts list. They said they would be able to order the door panel and they should have it in a couple of weeks. I said fine, thinking this would be about right for Alaska. Everything takes a while here, especially if you have to go to the mainland and have it shipped.

After a few days, I checked in to see how things were coming. "It's on the way, should be here next Saturday," I was told. Ok, fine. I called the Monday after the shipment was supposed to arrive. "Oh, I'll check and get back to you." No calls. I called again. "Um, well, I hate to tell you this, but we ordered the wrong part. We'll have to resend the order, and it'll be another two weeks." Ok, so do that, you idiots.

Two weeks later, I called again. "It's not here yet, let me see where it is." Ok. "It'll be on the next shipment!" Ok. "It didn't make this shipment, we'll try again next week." Then I left to go back to Texas for a trip. I called from Texas, and they said, "Yup, we know where it is. It'll be here on the next shipment." Fine.

I got back from Texas, and checked again. I even went to the store site to see if I could actually lay eyes on it. No dice. It wasn't there. Where is it? "We think it's in Wasilla, but we don't know. We'll call you."

At this point, it was about eight weeks after the incident, and I had had enough. I called the local branch manager and the district manager, and let them have it. The local branch manager decided to become personally involved, and he said he would get a truck to send the panel overnight. Ok, fine.

A couple of hours later, I got a message from the branch manager. Uh-oh. I called his cell phone, and he told me that they had ordered the wrong door panel AGAIN! He said he would personally scour the inventory of every branch and try to get me a panel.

The next day, he called and said that the panel had been located, and the installer would meet me at the house to install it. The installer showed up, and, of course, the panel was the wrong size. I needed a 24" panel, and they sent me a 21" panel.

That's where we stand now. I'm waiting for the original guys I first called to come out and take a look at it and see what they say. If they say they can get me a door panel in two weeks, I'm going to pull the plug on the other guys. It'll probably take me three or four attempts to actually get them to stop, since they don't seem to have any idea how to operate a phone, let alone a major builders supply store. They have absolutely no control over their supply chain, no computerized tracking system, their paperwork is a disorganized mess, and their people are nice enough, but completely incompetent.

UPDATE: the original guys I called just came out and said they could get a panel in two weeks. Sorry, S****** B******* S*****, you lose. Whoops.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

TCP: TED STEVENS DAY

Yesterday was Ted Stevens Day in Alaska.

Let's see, he pretty much pushed statehood through, was senator for 40 years, got a sweet airport built in Anchorage, and diverted billions of federal dollars to the state, and made sure the oil companies made plenty of loot.

I would say that every day is Ted Stevens Day in Alaska. The only surprising thing is that he wasn't the guy to whom the Russians handed over the keys.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sunday, July 10, 2011

TCP's ALASKA: SUMMER

It's officially summer in the Last Place You'd Ever Want To Live Frontier. This means that yahoos from the lower 48 in rental Winnebagos are streaming in by the duh-full to catch salmon on the Kenai River. The contempt felt by the locals toward these fair-weather (for here, anyway) visitors is palpable. I find this odd, since many of the locals got their start this way, or at least their parents did. There is something very territorial in Alaskans, even if they just arrived themselves. They call those who haven't survived a winter here cheechakos, which is an Aleut word that means "haole". As it is in Hawaii, my status is somewhere to the left of cheechako/haole and to the right of sourdough/kama'aiana. Well, I'll never be a kama'aina in Hawaii. Once a haole, always a haole.

I've been here three months now, and my project hasn't even started, which is very disconcerting. I've been trying to get out ahead of things, nonetheless, and as of Friday we issued the PO to our vendor, which I hope means that things should start picking up. From tomorrow to the middle of December should be a long, boring slog of meetings, e-mails, designs, drawings, revisions, more revisions, even more revisions, even more even more revisions. and them some actual work, all happening as the daylight hours get shorter and shorter very quickly. It'll be fun when the vendor folks are in town and we can get free lunches and the occasional free dinner, and sit around bullshitting about our respective companies and management.

Hey, there goes a Winnebago with a moose laying across the windshield!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

ME GOVERN LONG TIME

Yingluck Shinawatra has won election as the first female Prime Minister of Thailand.


If I were Thailand, I would double-check that, is all I'm saying.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

THE NEVERENDING STOOOOORRRY!

"President" Barack Obama today released a super-8 video with a date stamp of August 4, 1961 that shows shots of his mother on her way to the hospital, with the unmistakeable silhouette of Diamond Head rising over Waikiki Beach in the background, pulling into the hospital that is clearly marked as "Kapiolani Maternity and Gynecological Hospital, Honolulu, Hawaii", graphic shots of his mother literally giving birth to him inside the same hospital, various doctors and nurses, many of whom appear to be of Hawaiian descent, proclaiming that it is a boy, and his mother saying, "I'm naming him Barack Hussein Obama".
 
Orly Taitz responded, "This film was produced by the same people who faked the moon landings, obviously."

Sunday, April 24, 2011

TCP'S ALASKA: EPISODE 2

I took a one-hour walk today along the street where I live. I used to do that in Hawaii pretty regularly, and I'll give you an idea of what I saw.

Number of obscenely hot girls in bikinis seen on my walk: Hawaii - too many to count, Alaska - zero.

Number of churches seen on my walk: Hawaii - just a wedding chapel, where hot Japanese brides and bridesmaids were often posing for photos, Alaska - four (Catholic, Church of God, Baptist, Methodist).

I am beginning to see the error of my ways. However,

Number of Starbucks along my walk: Hawaii - zero, Alaska: one.

Eh, it's not quite the same, but I'll take what I can get.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

TCP'S ALASKA: EPISODE 1

Ok, so I'm really bored, and I decided to actually do this. I'm here in Alaska, somewhere on the Kenai Peninsula, which is...a place (as opposed to a thing or a person).I'm living in a mostly empty rental house that I have furnished with a  42" HDTV, an old leather chair and nightstand that I bought at a thrift store, a TV stand and lamp that I bought at a garage sale, and a bed that I bought from some guy. I have other furniture coming from home, but that's all I have for now.

This particular part of Alaska is full of displaced white flotsam from all over the country, as far as I can surmise. They are mostly western and southern-born, religious, conservative, and armed, probably even at the Safeway. The ones that are not religious appear to consume enough methamphetamine to allow Gus Fring to open up a swath of Los Pollos Hermanos franchises. Then there the ones who find themselves mired here either by birth or by circumstance (you know, like me), and who seem pleasant enough.

The first couple of weeks here were spent equipping the place and taking care of loose ends. I started by buying an SUV from a pretty young nurse with a fake tan and elaborate fingernails, who is either a master criminal or just completely frazzled and disorganized. I'm hoping for the latter. She has yet to provide me with the title to the vehicle I "bought" from her. I have no idea if I'm going to have to turn myself into the police for possessing stolen property, or if she will finally produce the document at some point. She said she was taking a vacation to Hawaii. I'm not sure if she booked that before or after I gave her a check for $6,000. In any event, the truck has been running well. I hope I get to keep it.

After that, I bought all the furniture. Garage sales here are like tween concerts elsewhere. The word goes out on the internet, and blue-haired ladies seeking deals and good ole boys driving panel trucks appear en masse like so many screaming girls at a Justin Bieber show. There isn't much else to do, and times are tough. I was fortunate to get the TV stand and lamp because I left work and showed up two minutes after the sale started.

The bed was much easier, although it was advertised as a queen size and was really a full size that they had welded an extension onto. They do stuff like that up here. Nearly everyone of any means has a gigantic shop with a modest house attached.

When I picked up the leather chair, upon which I am sitting right now, the guy at the thrift shop said, "That's a nice chair. I eat my lunch on that every day." I said, "I'm sorry." He said, "It's ok, it's time for it to go." I still feel sad for the guy. I hope someone dropped off a decent chair for him. After I get my furniture from home, this chair is going in the bedroom, and I might never sit on it again. When TCP's Alaska is up, I'll see if that guy wants it back. He'll be pretty thin by then if he skips lunch for 18 months.

Just before moving in, I dropped about $500 at Wal-Mart. What can you get at Wal-Mart for $500? Not that much in Alaska. I have some pots and pans, some bedding, some miscellaneous kitchen and bathroom stuff, and some groceries. I had to return two different wireless keyboards that weren't compatible with my anti-deluvian work laptop (XP Service Pack 2 - those were the times of our lives!). I bought one on-line, and as it turns out, I think I was just plugging the USB thingy into the wrong port.

Also just prior to moving in, I had the internet and DirecTV installed. The cable company woman who appeared at my house to install the cable had no clue how to get cable to anyplace in the house, and she ended up having to drill a hole in the wall to the garage, where the cable modem and wireless router are now sitting. I had to call the landlord to get permission, and he gave the OK while simultaneously doing his job as an air traffic controller landing planes on the Big Island in Hawaii. I was envisioning the FailBlog headline "FAA investigates plane crash in Hawaii caused by pesky cable modem in Alaska."

The DirecTV guy was in and out comparatively quickly, but not before clogging up the guest toilet with yesterday's dinner. That was nice.

Now I have arrived at the long, slow portion of my stay here where nothing much will be happening. Fortunately, summer is approaching, and I'm hoping that the tourists will liven the place up.

That's all for now. I'll write more if I absolutely have to.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

2011 MLB PREDICTIONS


It's baseball time again! Ok, maybe not, but at least put away your NCAA brackets for five minutes, anyway. They were probably busted by VCU, so it shouldn't be that big a deal.

This is the time of year when I post my MLB predictions for the coming season. So far, I've been wrong on almost every one, and I intend to keep that streak alive in 2011.

NL East

Um, I heard the Phillies have some fairly decent pitching. I mean, Doc Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels...pfft, they have nothing on the 1939 American League All-Star team, which had four Hall-of-Famers. I mean, Hamels' and Oswalt's chance for the Hall of Fame is tenuous at best. That said, I think they might just eke out a division win anyway. The Braves won't have Bobby Cox to be thrown out of games any more, and will have to find a new designated umpire-baiter. The Marlins final season in Sun Life Stadium For Now will be played in front of nearly dozens of cheering spectators. The Mets will try to win by paying Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez $18 million not to play, which has to be better than paying them $18 million *to* play. Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper will combine to appear in almost no games for the Nationals, but fans will have the epic feats of Doug Slaten and Chris Marerro to tide them over.

NL Central

Aroldis Chapman will throw so hard for the Reds that Japan will try to use his fastball to start up the cooling water pumps at the Fukushima plant. Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals will alternately cheer for Albert Pujols and then whisper to Post-Dispatch beat writers that he isn't that great. The Brewers went out and traded for Zack Greinke hoping that Miller Lite is a cure for mental illness. The Cubs and their fans, of course, know that Old Style works better and lasts longer. The Astros and Pirates are not worth mentioning, other than to mention that they are still not worth mentioning.

NL West

The Giants did almost nothing this off-season except to closely monitor Tim Lincecum's weed habit (notice I didn't say limit it), but they remain the division favorites. The Rockies keep chugging along with pitching and defense. Uh...what? The Dodgers have Donny Ballgame at the helm now, and he's soooo much different than Joe Torre. I mean, he's a former Yankee, he's unassuming, and he's good with the media. Big changes there in LA. The Padres stack up quality relief pitchers like so much cord wood while trading away all their hitters. That's one way to finish fourth. The D'Backs have been taking the phrase "extended spring training" far too seriously the last few years.

AL East

The Red Sox got their men in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, who are so good that John Henry might loan them out to Liverpool. Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon are reunited with the Rays, and it feels so old, er, good. The Yankees starting pitching looks pretty weak behind CC Sabathia, if you can manage to see anything behind CC Sabathia (he's a very large man). Jose Bautista did not take steroids to hit 54 homers last year for the Blue Jays, but with the exchange rate, it really wasn't that impressive anyway. The Orioles keep improving, which in the AL East means that they might get to 70 wins if everything breaks right.

AL Central

Twins catcher Joe Mauer is in the second year of a $184 million contract, which is pretty Minnesota nice. Miguel Cabrera knows the healing power of a brewski far too well, but will manage to lead the Tigers to contention between AA meetings. Something Ozzie Guillen something profane something White Sox something (just saying Ozzie's name is funny enough). The Royals will move out of last place as their farm system bears some fruit, and Kila Ka'aihue will force us all to learn how to pronounce Hawaiian diphthongs. The Indians are going with an all-Cabrera middle infield (Asdrubal and Orlando), which may produce more Cabreras than home runs.

AL West

Nolan Ryan takes over as CEO of the Rangers, which means that other teams CEO's better watch for the high and tight fastball during trade negotiations. The Athletics are asking if anyone knows the way to San Jose more than Dionne Warwick ever did. The Angels freed up about $80 million in salary commitments for the Blue Jays by taking Vernon Wells off their hands. That's an even better way to finish fourth, if it wasn't for the stupendously bad offense of the Mariners getting in the way.

Playoffs

National League

Phillies, Reds, Giants, Cardinals (wild card)
Phillies beat Cardinals, Giants beat Reds
Phillies beat Giants

American League

Red Sox, Twins, Rangers, Rays (wild card)
Red Sox beat Twins, Rangers beat Rays
Red Sox beat Rangers

World Series

Phillies beat Red Sox

Yeah, it's the same World Series matchup prediction as last year, and probably next year. It's bound to come true eventually, right?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

IS THE INTERNET ON?

Hey, cyber-weirdos! I'm still here. The next iteration of TCP is coming soon, with "TCP's Alaska" due to start in April, if I feel like it. I have a sweet rental house lined up that has DirecTV, so I probably won't feel like it, but you never know. So, basically, TCP's Alaska is me, watching the Independent Film Channel in HD, in an empty house except for a couch, a TV and a bed. It could get better! You never know. You just never know.