THAT'S QUITE A HAUL
My wife and I were out driving on I-495, or what I like to call, "The Window To The Delaware River", when we came across a U-Haul truck. As you may know, U-Haul likes to advertise their many locations on the sides of their trucks. This particular truck, in Delaware at the time, was advertising for...Hawaii.
I tried that trip once. The first few feet after you make the turn at San Diego are the toughest.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
NINE, EIGHT CENTRAL
The Pentagon today announced that more details have been obtained regarding the kidnapping of Private Jessica Lynch. According to Iraqi sources, Pvt. Lynch was held suspended from the ceiling, scarred with red hot pokers, beaten with a tire iron, scalded with boiling water, shocked with electrodes, and in the most heinous act, forced to listen to the early tracks from the new Clay Aiken album. Asked to comment, Miss Lynch said that she was unconscious the entire time, but it sounds like something that might have happened. She added that she is upset that the Army is continuing to exploit her capture, but would we like to see the new Mazda RX-8 she bought with her book advance?
Meanwhile, the Pentagon also announced that a few more US soldiers had been killed in the Iraqi insurgency, but that none of them were photogenic enough to warrant further attention. And besides, they were dead.
The Pentagon today announced that more details have been obtained regarding the kidnapping of Private Jessica Lynch. According to Iraqi sources, Pvt. Lynch was held suspended from the ceiling, scarred with red hot pokers, beaten with a tire iron, scalded with boiling water, shocked with electrodes, and in the most heinous act, forced to listen to the early tracks from the new Clay Aiken album. Asked to comment, Miss Lynch said that she was unconscious the entire time, but it sounds like something that might have happened. She added that she is upset that the Army is continuing to exploit her capture, but would we like to see the new Mazda RX-8 she bought with her book advance?
Meanwhile, the Pentagon also announced that a few more US soldiers had been killed in the Iraqi insurgency, but that none of them were photogenic enough to warrant further attention. And besides, they were dead.
Friday, November 07, 2003
WIL WHEATON UP A HALF ON HEAVY TRADING
It's official: I'm worthless. Well, I'm worth a grand, but that's the official arbitrary zero point. Time to do something about it, I guess, so I've hired Dennis Kozlowski as a consultant.
TCP WOWS THE STREET!
TCP announced today that it has beaten Blogshares idea expectations in the last quarter by, uh, 5,000%! TCP will be issuing an axiom dividend of $3 per share for the 3rd quarter. We have several brilliant hypotheses in the pipeline, and we will be embarking on an aggressive path of notion acquisition over the coming months. Large shareholders (this could be you!) will be eligible for exciting adventures to exotic resort islands to discuss TCP's wide range of investment vehicles and to PAR-TAY! You haven't lived until you see our ice statue of Annika Sorenstam NUDE dispensing Stolichnaya out of, well, you'll just have to see for yourself! Write to Kozlowski Enterprises, c/o The U.S. District Court, District of New York, for a full prospectus.
It's official: I'm worthless. Well, I'm worth a grand, but that's the official arbitrary zero point. Time to do something about it, I guess, so I've hired Dennis Kozlowski as a consultant.
TCP WOWS THE STREET!
TCP announced today that it has beaten Blogshares idea expectations in the last quarter by, uh, 5,000%! TCP will be issuing an axiom dividend of $3 per share for the 3rd quarter. We have several brilliant hypotheses in the pipeline, and we will be embarking on an aggressive path of notion acquisition over the coming months. Large shareholders (this could be you!) will be eligible for exciting adventures to exotic resort islands to discuss TCP's wide range of investment vehicles and to PAR-TAY! You haven't lived until you see our ice statue of Annika Sorenstam NUDE dispensing Stolichnaya out of, well, you'll just have to see for yourself! Write to Kozlowski Enterprises, c/o The U.S. District Court, District of New York, for a full prospectus.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
TCP'S SECOND ANNUAL NBA AND NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA AND NHL
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
THIS PLACE IS NO FUN AT ALL
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
TSK TSK
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
POLITICS WITH A HUMAN TOUCH...SEVERAL, IN FACT
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
(MY ACHIN') BACK
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
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