Hey, it’s April! Did you have Kentucky-Kansas in your ESPN
pool? I did! I’m a 97.6 percenter, in a good way! Wow, you’re already bored.
It’s baseball time again, and for the umpteenth year in a
row, I’ll be posting my preseason predictions. Nobody read the other umpteen-minus-one
predictions, which means I have no accountability to anyone (unlike Josh Hamilton
– see below), which is how I like it.
NL East
The Phillies
still have Halladay, Lee, and Hamels and have added Jonathan Papelbon. Cheesesteaks
and Yuengling beat chicken and whatever beer they were drinking at Fenway, Pap.
The Marlins have a new stadium with an
aquarium and a kinetic sculpture beyond the centerfield wall that will vibrate
every time Jose Reyes tweaks his hamstring. The Nationals may be ready for the big time now that Steven Strasburg
and Bryce Harper are in the lineup, if you consider playing in the summer humidity
of the Anacostia swamp before hundreds of Capitol tourists the “big time”. The Braves epic collapse will continue
unabated through 2012, mostly because they weren’t that great to begin with.
Speaking of not great, the Mets may
be able to compensate Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme victims by playing them in
the outfield and first and third base if their typical injury profile happens
again.
NL Central
This is the year the Reds
win the division, right? Eh, why not. The Brewers’ Ryan Braun will change his name to Ryan Boo in mid May to
make the treatment he will receive from road fans for being caught taking PED’s
and then getting off on a technicality at least sound encouraging. The Cardinals underwent complete regime
change and lost the best hitter of his generation after their unlikely World
Series victory last year. That probably won’t help. The Cubs now have Theo Epstein running the show. He’ll be swearing like
David Mamet by August if history is any guide. The Pirates are still far less successful than their Somali counterparts.
The Astros will be cast off from the
NL Central this year and head to the AL West next season with 5’5” second
baseman Jose Altuve as their best player. That pretty much tells you all you
need to know about the Astros.
NL West
The D’Backs
managed to win the division last year despite fielding a roster where many of the
players were in danger of being deported by local law enforcement. The Giants attempted to augment their
superior pitching by renting what was left of Carlos Beltran’s knees. Amazingly,
that didn’t work. The Rockies are so
deadly dull that I can’t even think of anything (else) insulting to say about
them. The Padres will try to ride
the buzz from the new “Anchorman” movie to escape the cellar. Stay
Fourth-Place-y, San Diego. Helping them
in that endeavor will be the dreadful Dodgers.
Magic Johnson bought the team for $2 billion. He’ll be shocked when he finds
out that their version of “Showtime” is when Juan Uribe legs out an infield hit
and pukes behind first base.
Division winners:
Phillies, Reds, D’Backs.
Wild cards: Marlins,
Brewers
Marlins beat Brewers
in 1-game playoff
Phillies beat D’Backs
Marlins beat Reds
Phillies beat Marlins
AL East
The Yankees won
the East last year with Bartolo Colon, Freddy Garcia, and A.J. Burnett pitching
significant innings. This year they will have none of those pitchers, and will
still win the division. This is because they are evil. The plucky Rays improbably made the postseason
last year when the Red Sox opened up a boozy KFC in their clubhouse. This year,
they will make it because Joe Maddon is just so fucking cool. The Blue Jays prefer a little coq au vin and
Labatt’s in their clubhouse, and will vault all the way to third place in the
brutal AL East. The aforementioned Red
Sox have completely lost the winning aura they cultivated in the 2000’s and
have reverted to a team that a whole new generation of Massholes can love to
hate. The Orioles actually fear
losing fans to the Nationals. And they should.
AL Central
The Tigers continue
to be the class of the Central, which is like being the class of the Kardashian
family. After the Twins lost Joe
Mauer last season, they collapsed quicker than the roof of their former home,
the Metrodome. The Royals young
hitters look good, but they traded for Jonathan Sanchez and immediately he
became their ace. That should tell you a lot. The Indians will continue to disappoint Joe Posnanski, who will write a
10,000-word blog post about how Duane Kuiper is better than Asdrubal Cabrera
based solely on “grit”. Robin Ventura takes over the White Sox, and he promises to keep all post-game press conference
profanity in English this year.
AL West
The Rangers
should cruise to another division title in 2012. Nolan Ryan hired a personal
accountability partner for Josh Hamilton. Maybe that’s what Babe Ruth needed to
keep from spreading venereal disease to half the East Coast. The Angels paid Albert Pujols the money he
wanted, and I’m sure he’ll be great. Combined with the money they are paying
Vernon Wells to suck, it should all even out. The Athletics
and Mariners have already started
the season by playing two games in the middle of the night. This is part of Bud
Selig’s plan to have these two teams play all of their games against each other
when no one is watching. If Yankees/Red Sox is MLB’s answer to “Dancing With
The Stars” or “American Idol”, A’s/Mariners is the equivalent of those 2 am
infomercials for Oxy Clean.
Division winners:
Yankees, Tigers, and Rangers
Wild cards: Rays and
Angels
Rays beat Angels in
1-game playoff
Yankees beat Tigers,
Rangers beat Rays
Yankees beat Rangers
Word Series: Phillies
vs. Yankees. Yankees in 6. Evil wins again!