It's baseball time again! Ok, maybe not, but at least put away your NCAA brackets for five minutes, anyway. They were probably busted by VCU, so it shouldn't be that big a deal.
This is the time of year when I post my MLB predictions for the coming season. So far, I've been wrong on almost every one, and I intend to keep that streak alive in 2011.
NL East
Um, I heard the Phillies have some fairly decent pitching. I mean, Doc Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels...pfft, they have nothing on the 1939 American League All-Star team, which had four Hall-of-Famers. I mean, Hamels' and Oswalt's chance for the Hall of Fame is tenuous at best. That said, I think they might just eke out a division win anyway. The Braves won't have Bobby Cox to be thrown out of games any more, and will have to find a new designated umpire-baiter. The Marlins final season in Sun Life Stadium For Now will be played in front of nearly dozens of cheering spectators. The Mets will try to win by paying Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez $18 million not to play, which has to be better than paying them $18 million *to* play. Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper will combine to appear in almost no games for the Nationals, but fans will have the epic feats of Doug Slaten and Chris Marerro to tide them over.
NL Central
Aroldis Chapman will throw so hard for the Reds that Japan will try to use his fastball to start up the cooling water pumps at the Fukushima plant. Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals will alternately cheer for Albert Pujols and then whisper to Post-Dispatch beat writers that he isn't that great. The Brewers went out and traded for Zack Greinke hoping that Miller Lite is a cure for mental illness. The Cubs and their fans, of course, know that Old Style works better and lasts longer. The Astros and Pirates are not worth mentioning, other than to mention that they are still not worth mentioning.
NL West
The Giants did almost nothing this off-season except to closely monitor Tim Lincecum's weed habit (notice I didn't say limit it), but they remain the division favorites. The Rockies keep chugging along with pitching and defense. Uh...what? The Dodgers have Donny Ballgame at the helm now, and he's soooo much different than Joe Torre. I mean, he's a former Yankee, he's unassuming, and he's good with the media. Big changes there in LA. The Padres stack up quality relief pitchers like so much cord wood while trading away all their hitters. That's one way to finish fourth. The D'Backs have been taking the phrase "extended spring training" far too seriously the last few years.
AL East
The Red Sox got their men in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, who are so good that John Henry might loan them out to Liverpool. Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon are reunited with the Rays, and it feels so old, er, good. The Yankees starting pitching looks pretty weak behind CC Sabathia, if you can manage to see anything behind CC Sabathia (he's a very large man). Jose Bautista did not take steroids to hit 54 homers last year for the Blue Jays, but with the exchange rate, it really wasn't that impressive anyway. The Orioles keep improving, which in the AL East means that they might get to 70 wins if everything breaks right.
AL Central
Twins catcher Joe Mauer is in the second year of a $184 million contract, which is pretty Minnesota nice. Miguel Cabrera knows the healing power of a brewski far too well, but will manage to lead the Tigers to contention between AA meetings. Something Ozzie Guillen something profane something White Sox something (just saying Ozzie's name is funny enough). The Royals will move out of last place as their farm system bears some fruit, and Kila Ka'aihue will force us all to learn how to pronounce Hawaiian diphthongs. The Indians are going with an all-Cabrera middle infield (Asdrubal and Orlando), which may produce more Cabreras than home runs.
AL West
Nolan Ryan takes over as CEO of the Rangers, which means that other teams CEO's better watch for the high and tight fastball during trade negotiations. The Athletics are asking if anyone knows the way to San Jose more than Dionne Warwick ever did. The Angels freed up about $80 million in salary commitments for the Blue Jays by taking Vernon Wells off their hands. That's an even better way to finish fourth, if it wasn't for the stupendously bad offense of the Mariners getting in the way.
Playoffs
National League
Phillies, Reds, Giants, Cardinals (wild card)
Phillies beat Cardinals, Giants beat Reds
Phillies beat Giants
American League
Red Sox, Twins, Rangers, Rays (wild card)
Red Sox beat Twins, Rangers beat Rays
Red Sox beat Rangers
World Series
Phillies beat Red Sox
Yeah, it's the same World Series matchup prediction as last year, and probably next year. It's bound to come true eventually, right?