The Masters is coming up in a week or so, and since my great great grandpappy wasn't sipping mint juleps on the porch of his plantation back in the day, I don't get to attend. Therefore, if you are attending, I'd like you to follow along with Tiger Woods' gallery and try these jokes out with him in those quiet moments between shots.
Hey, Tiger, I heard Phil Mickelson's wife is pregnant again. Phil took the over that she would have twins.
Hey, Tiger, could you run something by Elin? You know those IKEA brand names? I think they are just messing with us. Buying stuff at IKEA would be like going into Target and saying, "Hey, do you have the Moose Droppings and Pig Urine dinette set?"
Hey, Tiger, I see you're doing ads for Buick. If you were to do ads for a piece of golf equipment, the quality equivalent would be Top Flite X-outs.
Hey, Tiger, wouldn't it be great to have Stevie in the bedroom? "Your wife's G-spot is three inches above the pubic bone and slightly to the left. Now, stay focused, keep within yourself, and have fun in there."
Hey, Tiger, I'm listening to the NBC feed on XM radio on my cell phone. Johnny Miller just called you a punk-ass bitch.
Hey, Tiger, there's a rumor going around that David Duval is climbing up the leaderboard. No, I mean literally. He shot another 79, and he said he's going to jump off into the lake at 18.
Hey, Tiger, the groundskeepers would just like to thank you for staying off that part where they mowed.
Hey, Tiger, you're into Buddhism. Here's a koan: if Vijay Singh had a personality, would anybody notice?
Let me know if he laughs.