CHILDREN OF THE POPCORN

There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.

You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:



Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:



Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...

LIFE IMITATES LAME JOKE

Remember back when I said this?

Well, according to the NY Times (registration required), I really should have done it!

CAUCUS HORRIBILUS

It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.

...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.

Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."

All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.

Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.

Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.

Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.

Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.

I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.

Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...

PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM

I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.

Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.

And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.