Ok, this was posted 9 minutes ago on Yahoo, but I still won't be the first to come up with this joke:
So, some Viagra users are going blind? I guess, unlike Cialis users, they weren't waiting for the right moment.
Friday, May 27, 2005
BIG SLEEP
The Phillies had a day off last night. I went to bed at 7:30 PM. God, I'm old.
I guess I should use today's entry to reflect on the state of the Phillies, but I'm not on Xanax yet, and I don't want to start. Today is Day #3 of the "Do Something, Ed" watch. As Tom suggested in the Moral Imperatives, that something could be to either get fired or quit. In fact, I would prefer that to be the something. Maybe Ruben Amaro, Jr. has half a brain in his head. Heaven forbid Dave Montgomery goes out and hires a Moneyball disciple. Theo Epstein only won the World Series after numerous other GM's failed for 86 years, and we wouldn't want that. Then we'd have to put up bunting around the stadium and plan a parade and all that other profligacy that we just can't afford because we are a small-market team after all. So, so small.
Cory Lidle stepped up to replace Vicente Padilla in the rotation tonight against Big Bad Smoltz. I haven't heard as to why just yet, other than the obvious fact that Padilla stinks right now, and the day off made it Lidle's turn day-wise. I wonder if Madson's available, or if Manuel will try out Robinson Tejeda in high-risk situations. Tejeda has gone 5-plus without allowing a run, which is a hell of a lot better than Geoff Geary or Rheal Cormier. Again, you wouldn't want to go with young relievers who are cheap and effective when you have old geezers available on whom you lavished long-term contracts worth several million dollars. I'm getting Wade's Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Managing General Partner Bamboozlers down pat.
I guess I should use today's entry to reflect on the state of the Phillies, but I'm not on Xanax yet, and I don't want to start. Today is Day #3 of the "Do Something, Ed" watch. As Tom suggested in the Moral Imperatives, that something could be to either get fired or quit. In fact, I would prefer that to be the something. Maybe Ruben Amaro, Jr. has half a brain in his head. Heaven forbid Dave Montgomery goes out and hires a Moneyball disciple. Theo Epstein only won the World Series after numerous other GM's failed for 86 years, and we wouldn't want that. Then we'd have to put up bunting around the stadium and plan a parade and all that other profligacy that we just can't afford because we are a small-market team after all. So, so small.
Cory Lidle stepped up to replace Vicente Padilla in the rotation tonight against Big Bad Smoltz. I haven't heard as to why just yet, other than the obvious fact that Padilla stinks right now, and the day off made it Lidle's turn day-wise. I wonder if Madson's available, or if Manuel will try out Robinson Tejeda in high-risk situations. Tejeda has gone 5-plus without allowing a run, which is a hell of a lot better than Geoff Geary or Rheal Cormier. Again, you wouldn't want to go with young relievers who are cheap and effective when you have old geezers available on whom you lavished long-term contracts worth several million dollars. I'm getting Wade's Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Managing General Partner Bamboozlers down pat.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
NORTH TO ATLANTA
Hey, we won one! I missed most of it of course. I was listening on the radio in the car up until the rain delay, and then I turned it off. I didn't tune back in until the sixth inning when Wolfie almost blew the 8-2 lead. Poor Ryan Madson's right arm is going to fall off and enter the Overuse Protection Program pretty soon. You can't really blame Charlie. Mad Dog is the only guy out there with a semblance of effectiveness other than Wags. It was nice to see J-Roll have a good night. He's been killing us in the leadoff spot with his OBP hovering around .300. Thome also got off the interstate with three hits. Thanks to Al Leiter for showing up for work last night. I think his broadcasting career may start sooner rather than later.
I've decided this is Day 2 of the "Do Something, Ed!" Watch. I'm not even counting Marlon Byrd for Endy Chavez, unless Chavez develops a nasty breaking pitch. The options are there, Eddy boy. Ryan Howard is option number one. You obviously aren't going to play him, so it's imperative that you turn him into a middle reliever or setup guy who can eat innings and keep Madson away from the Andrews Clinic. Get cracking!
On to Chipper-ville after a day off. Oh brother, Padilla vs. Smoltz. I'll have to plan to miss that one.
I've decided this is Day 2 of the "Do Something, Ed!" Watch. I'm not even counting Marlon Byrd for Endy Chavez, unless Chavez develops a nasty breaking pitch. The options are there, Eddy boy. Ryan Howard is option number one. You obviously aren't going to play him, so it's imperative that you turn him into a middle reliever or setup guy who can eat innings and keep Madson away from the Andrews Clinic. Get cracking!
On to Chipper-ville after a day off. Oh brother, Padilla vs. Smoltz. I'll have to plan to miss that one.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
BILLY, YOU WEREN'T A HERO
Ugh. It's never fun when your closer blows a save, and this one was less fun than usual. Brett Myers was cruising along with a 2-hit shutout when he came out for the eighth inning of a 3-0 game. Apparently, from the paper this morning, Charlie Manuel never intended him to pitch in the eighth, instead using him as a decoy to force the Marlins to announce lefty pinch hitter Lenny Harris so that Manuel could bring in the lefty Rheal Cormier, which would cause the Marlins to have to burn Harris and insert a right-handed hitter. Myers, according again to the paper, had told Manuel he was gassed because of the hot Florida weather. I was pretty pissed at the time, but if the guy is done, he's done. Unfortunately, Charlie was stuck with Cormier, who gave up a single to pinch-hitter Joe Dillon and a double to another pinch-hitter, Jeff Conine. With his nightly botching completed, Cormier exited in favor of Ryan Madson. Madson allowed both runners to score, but did at least finish the inning with the Phillies still ahead 3-2. That's one of the many differences between the Marlins and the Phillies. The Phils in that situation score maybe one of those two runners, if they get a break.
The Phils went quietly in their half of the ninth, and on came Billy Wagner. Wags was throwing Dade County heat, registering 101 MPH on the Doplhins Stadium gun a few times, and dispatched the first two hitters, setting up a confrontation with Damion Easley. Easley has pretty much bumped Luis Castillo out of his starting job, which Castillo had held for years until a recent injury. He's always had some pop, although he peaked out at an .810 OPS in 1998. Nevertheless, if you throw him a 99 MPH fastball belt high right over the plate, he knows what to do with it. Billy did. And Damion did. Tie game. Yikes. Billy got Alex Gonzalez to end the inning, and the game went to extra torture, I mean extra innings.
Once again, the Phillies failed to mount a rally against the Florida bullpen, and Amaury Telemaco was brought in to pitch the 10th. Telly had been called up to replace the execrable Terry Adams, who had been outrighted earlier in the day. Now we know why Adams had hung around so long. Telemaco gave up a leadoff single to Joe Dillon, who had stayed in on a double switch. He managed to retire Jeff Conine and Paul Lo Duca, forcing Manuel to bring in lefty Aaron Fultz to face Carlos Delgado, who is fast becoming a Phillie nemesis of the Chipper and Cornelius Floyd variety. Delgado promptly belted another two-out blast, this one to the deepest part of the park in center, scoring Dillon and giving the Marlins the 4-3 win.
What more is there to say about the Phillies bullpen, and Wade's handling thereof? It literally cannot get any worse. The Phils have the worst bullpen ERA in the major leagues. The worst. Finally, Wade's asinine policy of signing 38-year-old relievers to lucrative long-term contracts has bitten him in the ass hugely. Tim Worrell is a mental case of some sort, Cormier can't even get lefties out, and Terry Adams was so bad even Wade had to fire him. There is plenty of cheap, effective relief talent available every off-season, but somehow, Wade always feels the need to hire guys who remember the lyrics to Queen and Supertramp songs. Then there's Wagner. He started out pretty strong, but he's getting more and more hittable every game he enters, and if he goes over the edge, we're looking at 100 losses easy. Maybe it's time to make some radical changes. Ryan Howard can be dealt for relief help today. The same is also true with either Gavin Floyd or Vicente Padilla, although you wouldn't get much for either right now. Placido Polanco or David Bell are certainly guys who might get you a decent reliever. Come on, Ed, do something! We're 7.5 back and fading fast. Maybe Ed is waiting for the July 31st trading deadline to...oh yeah, never mind.
The Phils went quietly in their half of the ninth, and on came Billy Wagner. Wags was throwing Dade County heat, registering 101 MPH on the Doplhins Stadium gun a few times, and dispatched the first two hitters, setting up a confrontation with Damion Easley. Easley has pretty much bumped Luis Castillo out of his starting job, which Castillo had held for years until a recent injury. He's always had some pop, although he peaked out at an .810 OPS in 1998. Nevertheless, if you throw him a 99 MPH fastball belt high right over the plate, he knows what to do with it. Billy did. And Damion did. Tie game. Yikes. Billy got Alex Gonzalez to end the inning, and the game went to extra torture, I mean extra innings.
Once again, the Phillies failed to mount a rally against the Florida bullpen, and Amaury Telemaco was brought in to pitch the 10th. Telly had been called up to replace the execrable Terry Adams, who had been outrighted earlier in the day. Now we know why Adams had hung around so long. Telemaco gave up a leadoff single to Joe Dillon, who had stayed in on a double switch. He managed to retire Jeff Conine and Paul Lo Duca, forcing Manuel to bring in lefty Aaron Fultz to face Carlos Delgado, who is fast becoming a Phillie nemesis of the Chipper and Cornelius Floyd variety. Delgado promptly belted another two-out blast, this one to the deepest part of the park in center, scoring Dillon and giving the Marlins the 4-3 win.
What more is there to say about the Phillies bullpen, and Wade's handling thereof? It literally cannot get any worse. The Phils have the worst bullpen ERA in the major leagues. The worst. Finally, Wade's asinine policy of signing 38-year-old relievers to lucrative long-term contracts has bitten him in the ass hugely. Tim Worrell is a mental case of some sort, Cormier can't even get lefties out, and Terry Adams was so bad even Wade had to fire him. There is plenty of cheap, effective relief talent available every off-season, but somehow, Wade always feels the need to hire guys who remember the lyrics to Queen and Supertramp songs. Then there's Wagner. He started out pretty strong, but he's getting more and more hittable every game he enters, and if he goes over the edge, we're looking at 100 losses easy. Maybe it's time to make some radical changes. Ryan Howard can be dealt for relief help today. The same is also true with either Gavin Floyd or Vicente Padilla, although you wouldn't get much for either right now. Placido Polanco or David Bell are certainly guys who might get you a decent reliever. Come on, Ed, do something! We're 7.5 back and fading fast. Maybe Ed is waiting for the July 31st trading deadline to...oh yeah, never mind.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
TRAIN-ING DAY
So much for the Jon Lieber renaissance. Everything was looking good until the sixth inning, when pitcher Dontrelle Willis inside-outed a one-out single past David Bell down the left field line. Über-pest Juan Pierre, very high on the most-hated list headed by Chipper, followed with a slap hit past Bell through the hole (Bell should have had this one, but he alligator-armed it for some reason). Then the Phils got one of those breaks that usually foretell happy endings. Paul Lo Duca hit a swinging bunt up the first base line which Lieber pounced on and fired to first. The ball hit Lo Duca in the helmet and caromed down the right field line, allowing Willis to score. Immediately, home plate umpire Eric Cooper called interference on Lo Duca, who went into a fit of apoplexy, apparently unaware of the rule stating that the batter-runner must stay in foul territory while running to first. Replays showed that he was clearly in fair territory the entire time, even touching the grass as he got closer to the bag. This made it two outs with runners still on first and second for Carlos Delgado. Chris Wheeler, who was doing play-by-play on Comcast Sportsnet at the time, mentioned that the Phillies were not out of the woods yet. Sometimes, even most times, I wish Wheels would keep his rampant pessimism to himself. Delgado proceeded to take a wayward cut fastball deep into the right field seats for a 3-1 Marlins lead. Miguel Cabrera followed by mashing a first pitch breaking ball at light speed over the Teal Monster to make it 4-1. Terry "We're Throwing In The Towel" Adams, or "The Bearded Hemorrhage" as Dennis Deitch of the Delaware County Daily Times calls him, came in to allow his usual run in the 7th. Bob Abreu stayed hot with an RBI single in the 8th, but there would be no comeback against the D Train, now 9-1 and steaming toward a Cy Young award. Final: 5-2 Fish.
Last night's loss drops the Phillies to 6.5 games back, with two more to play in Dolphins Stadium, followed by three in Atlanta. This would be a good week for Jim Thome to get hot, but last night's pinch-hitting attempt doesn't bode well. Coming up in the 7th as the tying run with two outs, Thome was utterly baffled by Dontrelle's breaking stuff, and struck out looking. I guess I don't understand why if he's not likely to do well enough against Willis to start him and give him four at-bats, you would elect to pinch-hit him in a critical situation against the same pitcher. That's our Charlie: counter-intuitive to the point of utter bafflement, and not in a good way.
Tonight, Brett Myers, who would be in the Cy Young race himself if the Phillies were any good, faces Josh Beckett. The Phillies hit Beckett hard earlier this month at Citizen's Bank, which would be encouraging were it not for Beckett's 0.62 home ERA, with ZERO homers allowed and .167 batting average against. Hey Wheels, chew on those numbers!
Last night's loss drops the Phillies to 6.5 games back, with two more to play in Dolphins Stadium, followed by three in Atlanta. This would be a good week for Jim Thome to get hot, but last night's pinch-hitting attempt doesn't bode well. Coming up in the 7th as the tying run with two outs, Thome was utterly baffled by Dontrelle's breaking stuff, and struck out looking. I guess I don't understand why if he's not likely to do well enough against Willis to start him and give him four at-bats, you would elect to pinch-hit him in a critical situation against the same pitcher. That's our Charlie: counter-intuitive to the point of utter bafflement, and not in a good way.
Tonight, Brett Myers, who would be in the Cy Young race himself if the Phillies were any good, faces Josh Beckett. The Phillies hit Beckett hard earlier this month at Citizen's Bank, which would be encouraging were it not for Beckett's 0.62 home ERA, with ZERO homers allowed and .167 batting average against. Hey Wheels, chew on those numbers!
Monday, May 23, 2005
BEYOND ELEVEN
Let's just do a quick recap of the week. I was unbelieveably busy all week and could not find time to blog.
Tuesday, May 17th - Cory Lidle manages to beat the Cards 7-5 despite five Phillies miscues, three by David Bell
Wednesday, May 18th - Jon Lieber gets clobbered again as the Cardinals win 8-4. Come on, Jon, we really need you.
Thursday, May 19th - Brett Myers, the true team ace, gets win number four as the Phils prevail 7-4. The Phillies score one run in seven different innings.
Friday, May 20th - Interleague play begins in Camden Yards. The Phillies bash the Birds 9-3. Wolfie lowers his May ERA to 2.77.
Saturday, May 21st - The Phils can't solve Eric Bedard and lose 7-0. Vicente Padilla is now 1-5 with a 7.04 ERA. Paging Gavin Floyd? He's 1-4 with a 7.66 ERA at S/WB. Maybe not.
Sunday, May 22nd - Lidle throws a complete game in a 7-2 victory. The Phillies are very sorry to leave Camden Yards.
For the 2005 Phillies, this was an auspicious stretch. They went 4-2, won both series, scored 34 runs, and aside from Padilla, Lieber, and Terry "Please Release Me, Let Me Go" Adams, pitched pretty well. Philadelphia is now 21-24, 5.5 games behind the Marlins, whom they meet for a three-game set starting tonight. Discouragingly, Jim Thome is now hitting .195 with one home run, and it's nearly June. Clearly, this situation has to improve rapidly if the Phillies have any chance this season. And we have to get rid of Adams. He's a three-run rally with ears.
In other news, on Saturday night, my wife and I attended a show by the inimitable Welsh chanteuse Judith Owen and her husband, the omni-talented Harry Shearer, of Simpsons voice-over and Spinal Tap's bassist Derek Smalls fame. The show was at the Tin Angel, on 2nd Street in Olde City. As my wife and I walked into the club, and back out again, we instantly went from the oldest people on the street to the youngest people in the room and vice versa. Second Street was thick with 20-somethings dressed for, it would seem, imminent sexual congress. The Tin Angel itself is an exceedingly long and narrow space on the second floor of the restaurant Serrano. We stood in a line on the stairs waiting to get in while a stout gentlemen at the door went in and out checking to see if the sound check was over. On one of his sojourns outside the door, he made a point to complain about Judith's behavior. Nice. As we sat down, my wife was greeted with a table having the adhesive qualities of a roach motel, only not as appetizing. Why I was expecting more out of musical performance venues in Philadelphia I'll never know. Undeterred, I ordered a fully caffeinated cappuccino in order to keep my aging self awake through the 10:30 show and the drive home.
Finally, Judith and her backup duo took the stage at about 10:45. She mentioned something about the "Non-COMM", which I found out later was a convention for public radio stations that she and Harry had attended that day at the University of Pennsylvania, and then went right into her rendition of Deep Purple's "Smoke On The Water". She played most of her new album, interspersing her songs with witty commentary about the Welsh in general, Tom Jones in particular, Beverly Hills cosmetic surgery queens, her impossible husband, her impossible self, the unfortunate souls who had to navigate right past the stage to get to the bathrooms, and the ventilation fan above her that kept blowing in her face periodically. Harry, who sat on a stool in the audience along a sidebar during most of the show and was only mildly harassed for autographs by Simpsons dweebs, came on stage as a backup baritone on the Michael Jackson inspired number "Famous Friends". He then took over for about 10 minutes while Judith took a breather, doing bits from his "Le Show" program, including the hilarious song sung from Barbara Walters point-of-view called "82 Facelifts".
The night belonged squarely to Judith, however. Her songs, most of which she wrote herself, and a few which are covers of contemporary classics such as Sting's "Walking On The Moon", are sung with a jazz-inspired pop style that can only be described as unique, with her strong yet sweet voice punctuated with frequent staccato elongated vowel phrasings. She played her Yamaha keyboard with an effortless virtuousity, and percussionist Jeff Brownlee and bassist Sean Hurley, whom she described as "her hunks", were first-rate as well. The between-song interludes were always funny and often mesmerizing as she exerted her considerable will over the audience. The 40-50 patrons called her out for two encores. For the first encore, she came out and said, "I thought you lot didn't want me to come back out, and I was saying 'Those fuckers!', but now I love you." For the second encore, she sang the England homage "Blighty" from her 2003 album "12 Arrows", and then told us all (a la Tracey Ullman), to "Go home!", which we did, thoroughly entertained and feeling lucky to be part of this intimate group amidst the horny rabble on the street below. Now if they can give our table a good steam cleaning and stop dissing the talent, the Tin Angel will really have something.
Tuesday, May 17th - Cory Lidle manages to beat the Cards 7-5 despite five Phillies miscues, three by David Bell
Wednesday, May 18th - Jon Lieber gets clobbered again as the Cardinals win 8-4. Come on, Jon, we really need you.
Thursday, May 19th - Brett Myers, the true team ace, gets win number four as the Phils prevail 7-4. The Phillies score one run in seven different innings.
Friday, May 20th - Interleague play begins in Camden Yards. The Phillies bash the Birds 9-3. Wolfie lowers his May ERA to 2.77.
Saturday, May 21st - The Phils can't solve Eric Bedard and lose 7-0. Vicente Padilla is now 1-5 with a 7.04 ERA. Paging Gavin Floyd? He's 1-4 with a 7.66 ERA at S/WB. Maybe not.
Sunday, May 22nd - Lidle throws a complete game in a 7-2 victory. The Phillies are very sorry to leave Camden Yards.
For the 2005 Phillies, this was an auspicious stretch. They went 4-2, won both series, scored 34 runs, and aside from Padilla, Lieber, and Terry "Please Release Me, Let Me Go" Adams, pitched pretty well. Philadelphia is now 21-24, 5.5 games behind the Marlins, whom they meet for a three-game set starting tonight. Discouragingly, Jim Thome is now hitting .195 with one home run, and it's nearly June. Clearly, this situation has to improve rapidly if the Phillies have any chance this season. And we have to get rid of Adams. He's a three-run rally with ears.
In other news, on Saturday night, my wife and I attended a show by the inimitable Welsh chanteuse Judith Owen and her husband, the omni-talented Harry Shearer, of Simpsons voice-over and Spinal Tap's bassist Derek Smalls fame. The show was at the Tin Angel, on 2nd Street in Olde City. As my wife and I walked into the club, and back out again, we instantly went from the oldest people on the street to the youngest people in the room and vice versa. Second Street was thick with 20-somethings dressed for, it would seem, imminent sexual congress. The Tin Angel itself is an exceedingly long and narrow space on the second floor of the restaurant Serrano. We stood in a line on the stairs waiting to get in while a stout gentlemen at the door went in and out checking to see if the sound check was over. On one of his sojourns outside the door, he made a point to complain about Judith's behavior. Nice. As we sat down, my wife was greeted with a table having the adhesive qualities of a roach motel, only not as appetizing. Why I was expecting more out of musical performance venues in Philadelphia I'll never know. Undeterred, I ordered a fully caffeinated cappuccino in order to keep my aging self awake through the 10:30 show and the drive home.
Finally, Judith and her backup duo took the stage at about 10:45. She mentioned something about the "Non-COMM", which I found out later was a convention for public radio stations that she and Harry had attended that day at the University of Pennsylvania, and then went right into her rendition of Deep Purple's "Smoke On The Water". She played most of her new album, interspersing her songs with witty commentary about the Welsh in general, Tom Jones in particular, Beverly Hills cosmetic surgery queens, her impossible husband, her impossible self, the unfortunate souls who had to navigate right past the stage to get to the bathrooms, and the ventilation fan above her that kept blowing in her face periodically. Harry, who sat on a stool in the audience along a sidebar during most of the show and was only mildly harassed for autographs by Simpsons dweebs, came on stage as a backup baritone on the Michael Jackson inspired number "Famous Friends". He then took over for about 10 minutes while Judith took a breather, doing bits from his "Le Show" program, including the hilarious song sung from Barbara Walters point-of-view called "82 Facelifts".
The night belonged squarely to Judith, however. Her songs, most of which she wrote herself, and a few which are covers of contemporary classics such as Sting's "Walking On The Moon", are sung with a jazz-inspired pop style that can only be described as unique, with her strong yet sweet voice punctuated with frequent staccato elongated vowel phrasings. She played her Yamaha keyboard with an effortless virtuousity, and percussionist Jeff Brownlee and bassist Sean Hurley, whom she described as "her hunks", were first-rate as well. The between-song interludes were always funny and often mesmerizing as she exerted her considerable will over the audience. The 40-50 patrons called her out for two encores. For the first encore, she came out and said, "I thought you lot didn't want me to come back out, and I was saying 'Those fuckers!', but now I love you." For the second encore, she sang the England homage "Blighty" from her 2003 album "12 Arrows", and then told us all (a la Tracey Ullman), to "Go home!", which we did, thoroughly entertained and feeling lucky to be part of this intimate group amidst the horny rabble on the street below. Now if they can give our table a good steam cleaning and stop dissing the talent, the Tin Angel will really have something.
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