MAKING THE GRADE
The NCAA released documents today listing some of the test questions from Georgia assistant men's basketball coach Jim Harrick, Jr.'s class, Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball. Among the questions were, "How many points is a 3-pointer worth?"
Now some may say these questions were a bit on the easy side, but TCP would beg to differ. I mean, at least these questions involved some math. The crack research staff here at the Project sifted through some of the hundreds of documents that the NCAA discarded during this investigation, and we were able to locate some questions that Harrick decided not to use because even he thought they were too easy for the average college basketball player. Here are a few:
#34. You're on a recruiting trip, and the upperclassman assigned to you has passed out, leaving you alone with two hotties who are trying to get you to play strip poker. Do you:
a. Notify the nearest Resident Advisor of your predicament, and call the NCAA ethics hotline when you get home.
b. Attempt to wake up your Upperclassman, and politely tell the hotties to leave.
c. Never try to draw to an inside straight, especially if one or both of the hotties is only wearing her underwear.
#42. One of your teammates has apparently shot and killed another one of your teammates, and your coach is trying to get you to tell the investigating committee that the teammate who was killed was a drug dealer in order to cover up the fact that he, you, and several other of your teammates have been receiving illegal payments. You should:
a. Notify the NCAA ethics hotline immediately.
b. Refuse to spread the falsehoods and promptly alert the authorities.
c. Transfer to another school, claiming hardship so you don't have to skip a year, and blab everything to ESPN.
#67. Your school has been cited for numerous recruiting violations, some involving you. Your coach has given you the option to play out the season, or forfeit the remaining games. You should:
a. Suck it up and play. You caused some of these problems, and you should bear some of the responsibility. The fans expect and deserve for you to play.
b. Play the games, but as soon as possible come clean to the NCAA over all possible recruiting violations you've been involved in.
c. Spring Break, Cancun style! Kick it, baby!
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
BE REALLY PREPARED
The White House announced yesterday that they would be bringing the Boy and Girl Scouts back to Iraq.
Of course, the merit badge system will be slightly different than the U.S. Here is a brief list of U.S. Merit badges (courtesy of USScouts.org) and their Iraqi equivalent:
The White House announced yesterday that they would be bringing the Boy and Girl Scouts back to Iraq.
Of course, the merit badge system will be slightly different than the U.S. Here is a brief list of U.S. Merit badges (courtesy of USScouts.org) and their Iraqi equivalent:
| U.S. | IRAQ |
| Archaeology | Looting |
| Atomic Energy | Procuring Yellowcake |
| Aviation | Box Cutter Concealment |
| Communications | Al-Jazeera Downlink |
| Energy | Oil Company Kickbacks |
| Genealogy | Avenging Ancient Wrongs |
| Landscape Architecture | Landmine Deployment |
| Law | Creative Punishment |
| Plumbing | N/A |
| Public Speaking | Incitement |
| Rifle Shooting | Shoulder Fired Missile Launching |
| Truck Transportation | Truck Detonation |
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Monday, March 01, 2004
ON GOLDEN MAN
Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:
- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"
- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!
- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.
- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.
- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!
- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.
- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.
- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:
Nice rack!
As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!
- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.
- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.
- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).
- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."
Yeah, you know it, I stayed up and watched the whole freakin' Oscar telecast last night. And oh yeah, you really know it, I am compelled to write about it, because no one ever writes about the Oscars in their web log. A few thoughts:
- All the Hollywoodlians are now officially and completely under the collective thumb of their Conservative corporate masters again, if they ever weren't. You could almost tell from Tim Robbins' facial expression he was thinking, "Oh fuck George Bush and his illegal war, somebody go and get me a triple foam Starbucks latte, and make it snappy!"
- Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, and Dominick Monaghan...REALLY ARE HOBBITS!
- Billy Crystal is slowly morphing into Buddy Young before our very eyes.
- Even a parody of Robin Williams' act isn't funny any more.
- Nice job of calling Academy President Frank Pierson "a weapon of mass sleep-induction" before Frank came out and paid tribute to Gregory Peck in front of Peck's family. Was that Bruce Vilanch's idea? Off with his comically hirsute excuse for a head!
- Clint Eastwood brought his mom. I'll just let that one sink in.
- Nobody ever thanked the sheep of New Zealand. And since LOTR was a long, torturous shoot populated mainly by very ugly men, I'm sure they played a vital role in the well-being of the cast and crew. Especially Elijah Wood, but I'm only speculating.
- To Catherine Zeta-Jones/Charlize Theron/Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/Nicole Kidman/Renee Zellweger/Naomi Watts/Samantha Morton/Susan Sarandon/Julianne Moore/Scarlett Johannson/Holly Hunter/Jennifer Garner/Diane Lane/Sandra Bullock/Marcia Gay Harden (special hormone-enhanced edition)/hell, even Oprah:
Nice rack!
As for Uma Thurman, the Latvian Folk Festival is over that a way. Reowr!
- Sorry, Steven Cojocaru just inhabited my brain for a few seconds there. And we all know how painful that can be.
- I think Lord Of The Rings was robbed in the Foreign Language Film category. That Elvish sounded pretty damned foreign to me. Well, the whole script did, frankly, but that's only because I've been laid.
- Is it over yet? Ha ha, gotta insert that lame hack joke about the Oscars going on forever. Actually they got it in well under four hours this year, mainly because of more efficient Oscar-handing-out techniques developed by the crack Academy R&D team which consisted of handing out Oscars to the same people over and over. Look for the same technique next year for "The Passion Of The Christ" (See Item #1).
- "There may come a day when the strength of men fails; when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship...but that is not this day...On this day...we meet at the Hollywood American Legion Hall in costume and get fucking blitzed!!! Well, you know, maybe drink some mulled cider or some non-alcoholic mead. Really, I can't stay too late. I gotta get back and help my Mom with the laundry."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)