YEAR

Once again, the inimitable (or as President Bush would say, inimitibubble) Jodi has proffered yet another brilliant idea to the blogosphere (or blogotorus, as I call it. How do we know it's a sphere?). She is posting her 2005 Year in Review by quoting the first sentence posted in the Jodiverse for each month of the year. Not to be out-retarded, TCP will be quoting the first word posted each month, and then forming a sentence with those words.

Ladies, gentlemen, and searchers of nude Merlin Olsen photos, I give you the 2005 Year in Review:

I Bill Tiger hey we as quickly infuriating leapin' I I that's.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

YA-HOOO-OOO!

Hey, my 30,000th page visit happened today. It was: a Yahoo! web search bot! I think search bots account for roughly 20,000 of my page visits to date.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I'm going to the second of my three holiday (I mean Christmas, sorry Bill) lunches this week. I'll bring back some leftovers just for my blog readers. Meaning I'll eat every damned morsel, or ort for you crossword puzzle fans.

I promise some spectacular blogeration during the week after Christmas when I'm on vacation, unless I decide to start following the return of Rick Springfield to General Hospital. I wouldn't expect much out of me, is what I'm saying.

TCP'S THIRD ANNUAL NBA/NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA OR THE NHL

That's what great about blog longevity. You can keep recycling crap from the past, and it looks new!

From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.

NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.

New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.

Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.

Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.

Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!

Central Division

Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.

Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.

Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.

Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.

Southeast Division

Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.

Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).

Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.

Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".

Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.

Western Conference
Northeast Division

Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.

Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.

Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.

Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.

Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.

Pacific Division

LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.

LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?

Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!

Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.

Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?

Southeast Division

San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.

Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.

Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.

New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.

Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.

Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.

NHL

I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.

Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.

BLATANT PLACEHOLDER

Ok, Google-primates, Annika Sorenstam is not only not nude, she's loaning out clothes for other people to wear.



And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!

FOUND ITEM: A LETTER TO SANTA, BY JUDY MILLER (AGE 7)

(Yeah, I know, she's Jewish, but you have to figure she was playing both sides of the street even then)

Dear Mr. Claus,

I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".

Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.

Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.

To that end, here are my gift requests:

1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)

Judy

THE PERFECT STORY

I have detested the cliche "the perfect storm" ever since I first heard it used to describe something other than the film of the same name, but for a male football fan like myself, this Sapphic NFL Cheerleader story is very hard to characterize with a phrase that doesn't involve the word "perfect".

In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.

A couple of things:

If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"

Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.

The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.

POT: "KETTLE BLACK"

This from today's "ABC News: The Note":

"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"

Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."

TED'S LATEST ADVENTURE

Senator Edward Kennedy tried and failed to rescue some fishermen off the coast of Hyannisport yesterday. The fishermen were later rescued by firefighters.

Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!

Oh, wait, here's one already.

PRAIRIE HOME CUM-PANION

It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)

Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.

Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.

Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)

Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).

The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).

That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)

TODAY'S SOUNDTRACK

For all you Phillies phans out there.

(Yes, I paid the $0.99 on iTunes. It was a special occasion.)

WAIT TIL...WHENEVER

I told you so.

Well, the Phils didn't actually lose to John Patterson or Esteban Freaking Loaiza, but close enough. The whole season came down to one pitch; if Billy Wagner had kept Craig Biggio in the yard, we'd be preparing to play St. Louis right now.

I was hoping by the sheer force of my will in writing this crap, the Phillies would win the World Series, just like with Stewart O'Nan and Stephen King and the Red Sox. As I now know, "hope", "Phillies", and "World Series" are not compatible terms, at least while Ed Wade pulls down a paycheck.

I won't be writing for you next year, except in your comments sections. Have a good off-season, and keep the phaith, because somebody has to.

FINAL WEAK

After last night's ignominious defeat at the hands of the also-ran Mets, it appears the Phils will be coming up short of the postseason once again.

Last night, I helped Quest For Tech and Charity In Action load an 18-wheeler full of PC's destined for a school down in Biloxi, MS that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am campaigning for a pat on the back. My aching back needs all the pats it can get right now). On the way home, I was listening to the rain delay call-in show hosted by Phillies announcers (and loyal employees) Scott Graham and Tom McCarthy. Scott and Tom were defending the current regime with gusto, and berating the audience for not showing up at the park to support "this wonderful team". Somewhere on the Blue Route, I snapped.

You want to me to support this team? Well, I have been supporting this team, for eight seasons now. I got here about the same time as Ed Wade. In each of those eight seasons, the Phillies have finished behind the Braves. The Braves have won the division every year since the divisions became constituted as they currently are. I have come to the conclusion that the Braves know what they are doing. It's not that the Phillies are totally clueless. They usually field winning teams with decent talent that, especially this season, play hard. But the yardstick is the Braves, and against that measurement, the Phillies just aren't good enough. They haven't been for over a decade.

Now, I feel like a shareholder in this corporation that is the Phillies. Obviously, I don't own stock - the ownership group isn't set up that way, and the barrier to becoming part of that group is too high, and the best I could do would be to become a limited partner, which means I would have no say in the running of the team anyway - but as a fan I'm a shareholder nonetheless. I buy the merchandise, I go to games (not many, but more than none), I sit through the commercials of the TV and radio advertisers night after night, I write this largely un-read blog, and I have trouble sleeping every time they lose.

As a shareholder, then, all I want is for someone in this organization to be held accountable for the near decade of failure to surpass the Braves. The current management team is led by President and Managing General Partner Dave Montgomery and General manager Ed Wade. Montgomery is a part owner, so he isn't going anywhere, unless he wants to. That leaves one guy.

Ed Wade is a fine human being, a personable man, and is very generous with the media and the fans. But he isn't getting it done. How many years do we have to finish second or worse to the Braves before the Phillies realize that maybe Ed Wade isn't good enough at his job? I'm not demonizing the man. I'm just pointing out that his philosophy for running a baseball team is not effective enough to beat the Braves, and there is no evidence that it ever will be.

So, Scott and Tom, if you want me to show up more often at the park, how about you ask the Phillies to hire a general manager that has a plan to beat the Braves. We've tried Ed Wade's plan for eight years. As Dick Van Patten would say, eight is enough.

GIFTED?

I said I would write when something interesting happened. Something most definitely did.

I hesitate to write about it, since the Phillies have been trying to prove some sort of Baseball Uncertainty Principle with me all season: whenever I watch them (and especially when I write about them), they become a different, always worse, team. Today was no exception. I've been suffering from a back ailment for the last week, and was in no condition to blog for several days even if I wanted to. The back has improved, but I'm still a little logy from the muscle relaxants, and I decided to take a nap after Bobby Abreu waved at Dontrelle Willis' curveball to end the top of the first. It appears I didn't miss much...until the ninth.

In the ninth, an opposing team finally gave to us what we've been giving to everybody else at crucial junctures ever since I've started rooting for the Phillies - a cornucopia of gifts.

Dontrelle was still in there to start the inning, leading 2-0 and seemingly en route to a shutout and his 22nd win. J-Roll led off with a single, J-Mike followed with a walk, and then Abreu reached on an error by Luis Castillo to score Rollins and chase Willis. Then the real Marlins generosity started. Three errors, six singles, and three hapless Florida relievers later, the Phils took a 10-2 lead to the bottom of the ninth (just as I woke up), where Billy Wagner gave up two hits but no runs to finish the game.

Does this really mean anything in the grand scheme of the NL wild card chase? Well, as I write this, Milwaukee is getting pounded by the Astros, so I doubt it. The Astros are still the favorites. They have a nine-game road trip coming up to Pittsburgh, Chicago, and St. Louis, who clinched the NL Central today. The 'Stros have been bad on the road, but the Bucs and Cubs white-flagged it long ago, and the Cards will be trotting out benchies for the rest of the year. The wild card was lost when Craig Biggio hit that Billy Wagner fastball into the fifth row. Still, 10-run ninth innings are rare enough that it makes it hard not to have hope. Until they get skunked by Josh Beckett tomorrow...

See you next time something interesting happens, or the Astros clinch, whichever comes first.

OUTTA HERE

I just want to say, I called Biggio's homer. My wife can sort-of attest, but she was half asleep at the time. We were lying in bed, me watching the game and she desperately trying to catch some much needed shut-eye, when J-Roll failed to nab Willy Taveras at first, and I realized that Craig Biggio was up. I said, quite plainly, "Oh, this is a three-run homer." Boom, there it goes.

No team ever comes back from something like this. It just doesn't happen, ever. And it definitely won't happen with this bunch. As the Phlogosphere as almost unanimously pronounced, these guys just aren't good enough. Even if they summon up some pride and play well from here on in, they are still at the mercy of the Astros, who hold a 2.5 game lead over us and have an easy schedule against mostly weak NL Central teams. C'est finis. It's over.

I'll probably post a few more times this season, such as when the mathematical end comes or if anything interesting happens, but as for the daily game-by-game recap, I'm also done. It's been (mostly) fun. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading everybody else as the season's denouement (what is this, French day?) plays out. TCP will return to posting the usual non-baseball nonsense at the usual schedule, i.e. whenever I get a hair up my ass.

IT'S HANKY TIME

This is where I get off. After last night's bitter defeat, I'm taking a sanity break for the rest of the homestand. If we're still close by the time the Phils head to Miami, I'll check back in.

The Phils dropped their fourth straight overall and 11th straight to last year's wild card winner and this year's wild card favorite, the Houston Astros, 2-1. Craig Biggio and Ryan Howard traded solo homers off starters Jon Lieber and Roy Oswalt until the bottom of the eighth, when Jimmy Rollins led off with what looked like a sure triple. J-Roll inexplicably missed first base, though, and had to retreat back to the bag for a single. Kenny Lofton sacrificed him to second, and after Chase Utley, who looks cooked, struck out, Bobby Abreu was intentionally walked and Pat Burrell also drew a base on balls. Howard couldn't capitalize, however, bouncing out to second to end the inning.

For whatever reason, Charlie Manuel decided to go with Billy Wagner to start the ninth. Wags never looks comfortable in a game he isn't closing, and Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, among others, were available. Wags walked Lance Berkman with one out, and Phil Garner sent in Eric Bruntlett, a dumpy-looking utility infielder with maybe slightly above-average speed to pinch run. Nevertheless, if anybody knows Wagner's limitations holding runners on, it's the Astros, and they took complete advantage. Bruntlett easily swiped second and third as Todd Pratt double-clutched both times trying to make the throw. What a disaster. It's really amazing to watch what a team can do when they actually care about winning and receive the proper coaching. Jason Lane rapped a line single to left to score Bruntlett, and it was pretty much game over.

In the bottom of the ninth, Todd Pratt hit a one-out single off closer Brad Lidge's foot. Manuel properly this time inserted Endy Chavez as the pinch runner. Lidge, like most closers, has about as much trouble holding runners as Wagner. So what does Chavez do? Naturally, he stands by the bag until there are two outs and one strike on J-Roll, and then he finally runs, making it without a throw. Where was that when Tomas Perez was batting? Perez hit a deep fly that didn't look as close to a homer as Harry Kalas thought it was, and was easily caught in front of the warning track by Lane. Immediately after Chavez's belated stolen base, J-Roll swung over a Lidge slider to end the game and send the Phils season even deeper into oblivion.

The loss last night has convinced me that this team is genetically incapable of winning. Jimmy Rollins' stumble over first was the tipping point. What happened, did Wade put the first deposit on his $40 million in cash in front of the bag? A mental error like that at such a crucial juncture is just completely inexcusable. Winners don't miss bases, period. They manage to steal second and third, that's what winners do. And if you put in Chavez, a guy you supposedly acquired for his speed, to pinch run, why is he standing two feet from the bag until it's almost too late?

We're now in third in the wild card race, 1.5 games out and heading downward with a bullet. I'm afraid the Astros are about to do tonight what Johnny Caspar tells all his boys to do, and put that bullet right in the Phillies' brains.

THE ENDY IS NIGH

Why do I let them do this to me? They come back home after treading water on a very difficult road trip, and for some reason I think this year will be different. And then Brett Myers surrenders four runs before recording an out. Why did I not see this coming?

Last night's game was over after the third pitch. Houston's Willy Tavares dribbled a grounder to third, which David Bell, in his haste to throw out the speedy centerfielder, dropped out of his glove for an error. Craig Biggio walked, Morgan Ensberg singled home a run, and then Lance Berkman hit a screaming line drive into about the 12th row in right field for a three-run homer. All this from a team ranking 12th in the NL in runs scored. Andy Pettitte took over and completely bamboozled the Phillies hitters for five and two thirds innings, allowing three hits and no walks. The Phils did get to the Astros setup men in the seventh, scoring two runs off Chad Qualls and Mike Gallo before Michael Tucker ended the threat with a bases-loaded ground out.

The ninth inning was simply infuriating. Facing closer Brad Lidge, Kenny Lofton reached second with one out after Adam Everett threw his slow roller into the stands. Shane Victorino had a terrific at-bat to run the count to 3-2 before grounding weakly to first. Lofton advanced to third, and then scored the third Phillie run on a wild pitch. Ryan Howard, who had earlier pinch hit for the pitcher's spot and had been inserted in a double-switch, was the batter at the time, and he eventually worked out a walk. At that point Charlie Manuel put in Matt Kata as a pinch runner, and kept Endy Chavez on the bench. Why not pinch-run Chavez and let Kata take some hacks? Kata is a switch hitter, which really didn't matter since Houston had used Gallo, their only lefty, earlier, but still, is there something wrong with this guy that he can't swing a bat? Chavez is definitely the faster of the two, and he's been looking completely overmatched at the plate lately (including a dismal .466 OPS vs. righties this season). I mean, there are guys from the Stone Age frozen in glaciers in Greenland who knew that Endy wouldn't be able to touch Brad Lidge, but somehow, Charlie Manuel failed to see it. Of course, J-Roll came up after Howard and drilled a double down the right field line that bounced cleanly off the wall back to Jason Lane, forcing Kata to hold at third. This brought up Game Endy, who did manage to hit a foul ball after it bounced (I won't even go in to why he was swinging at a ball in the dirt, but at least he made contact!) and then waved pathetically at two sliders to give the Astros the 4-3 win and the wild card lead. Dammit!

Tonight, Roy Oswalt will no doubt confound the Phillies for 100 or so pitches as Jon Lieber gives up a few gopher balls. At least on Wednesday we have a chance against Brandon Backe. But then Vicente Padilla will revert back to his early season form and we'll have to slug it out and hope to hang on to a 10-9 lead, which we'll blow somehow. Then Florida and Atlanta will come in and sweep all of their games, and finally, I can stop writing in this wretched blog. I wish. What probably will happen is they'll win three or four games and keep hanging around, two or three games out until the final week, when they'll go to Washington and get stymied by John Patterson and/or Esteban Freaking Loaiza to be mathematically eliminated. And then Ed Wade will get his contract extended by Dave Montgomery until "the sun becomes a red dwarf." And nothing will ever change.

NATIONAL REVIEW

At least the road trip is over. The Phils dropped two of three to the Nats, but remain in the wild card lead by a mere half-game.

Friday was a laugher as soon as David Bell hit his first career grand slam in the third inning to make it 5-1. The Phils tacked on two more and coasted to a 7-1 win behind Vicente Padilla and two relievers.

The Saturday game was a crusher. The Nats took a 2-0 lead off Eude Brito in the first, and added two more in the eighth to hand a 4-1 lead to closer Chad Cordero, who has been virtually untouchable this season. I switched over to watch "Crimson Tide" on one of the hinterland channels in disgust after the two insurance runs. In what has become a recurring theme of this blog, I completely missed the Phillies stirring comeback. While Gene Hackman was recruiting Denzel Washington to help him possibly nuke the Russkies, Ryan Howard hit a two run homer, and Bell hit his second dinger in as many nights to tie it at 4-4. The game dragged on into the twelfth inning (and the movie's second act) after the Phillies blew a bases-loaded one-out opportunity in the 11th when J-Roll couldn't get his grounder past Brad Wilkerson at first. Wilkerson threw home for the force, and the Phils rally died when Kenny Lofton bounced out to short. I was watching Denzel relieve Gene of his captain's duties when Aquilino Lopez gave up Preston Wilson's bleeder over first base to score Jose Guillen with the winning run.

On Sunday, we got up early and headed down to DC for the rubber match. I bought the tickets on eBay because the only available seats from the Nats web site were in the upper deck, and my wife gave me strict instructions to stay on the field level due to her fear of heights. I think she'd rather we stayed on the ground floor of the King of Prussia Mall, but I didn't give her that option. We ended up in short left, eight rows from the field. There were several Phillies fans in the vicinity. I could tell by the faint aroma of hopelessness. And the Utley jerseys. But mostly the hopelessness.

The Phils came into the game in big trouble with their pitching staff. Robbie Tejeda was out with an undisclosed shoulder problem, forcing the scuffling rookie Gavin Floyd to start the game. To add to the woes, the bullpen was shot from last night's 12-inning affair, meaning if Floyd continued to struggle, the options were unappetizing to say the least. What wasn't unappetizing were the RFK french fries. I picked up an order and my wife and I shared them for lunch before gametime. So good. After that high point, the day went down hill. Floyd retired the side in order in the first despite not being able to control his curve. In the second, Preston Wilson belted a leadoff double, and Floyd hit Vinnie Castilla with his unruly breaking ball. Rich Dubee came out for a mound conference, and I think he told Floyd to trust his fastball. Gavin did just that on the first pitch, and Brian Schneider hit it about 390 feet to right to make it 3-0. Thanks, Rich.

Floyd got out of the second inning, and then started getting the curve over for strikes. He had some trouble in the fourth but escaped without damage. Meanwhile, Nats starter Esteban Loaiza was brilliant, benefiting from an enormous Chris Guccione (no relation to Bob, I suppose) strike zone. The lady sitting next to me was worried when David Bell and Mike Lieberthal were due up in the top of the 7th and Loaiza was over 100 pitches. I explained to her about "the black hole", and Bell and Lieby backed me up by going down weakly, followed by Inning Endy Chavez pinch-whiffing for Floyd.

Aaron Fultz came on to face the left-handed Brad Wilkerson in the bottom of the seventh and walked him. On came Mr. Unappetizing, Pedro Liriano. Marlon Byrd pinch hit and laid down a good sac bunt, and then Liriano walked Jose Guillen to put runners on first and second. Preston Wilson then hit a no-doubter that looked that it might never come down from my vantage point. It hit the facing of the upper deck (see photo below) to put the Nats up 6-0. J-Roll and J-Mike broke the shutout with a double and single, and that was it. The Nats won it 6-1.

Tonight we start a 10 game home stand with the Astros, one of the teams directly behind us. Brett Myers faces Andy Pettitte in the opener. Oswalt pitches tomorrow for Houston, but we get Brandon Backe instead of the Rocket on Wednesday.

Enjoy some photos from Sunday's game. If you roll over the photo, there is some text explaining it. You can even see my chicken-scratch scorecard.

MARCH ON WASHINGTON, POSSIBLY LITERALLY

Leapin' lizards, the Phils won the series (you don't see "leapin' lizards" too much anymore, and that's a shame)! Jon Lieber allowed only one run through seven, and David Bell drove in two runs off Tom Glavine in the first inning for all the offense the Phillies would need. Ryan Howard contributed a solo home run for the 3-1 final. Now lose, Houston, damn you. The Nats are next for three over the weekend, and I'm going on Sunday if I can get some gas.

Meanwhile, Jodi challenged her readers to complete this meme, and I can't say no to her. I think I signed a contract in blood at some point when I started blogging. Anyway, here we go.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Gluttony
2) Sloth
3) Greed
4) Pride
5) Envy
6) Lust
7) Hot tranny sex

7 things I can do:
1) The Hokey Pokey, but not well
2) Format a hard drive, sometimes intentionally
3) Create elaborate logos for Strat-o-Matic teams
4) I'm quite good at sabotaging my hopes and dreams with paralyzing fear
5) Justify large purchases of electronic equipment to myself
6) Watch the same movie dozens of times
7) Eat an entire container of macadamia nut caramel popcorn in one day

7 things I cannot do:
1) The pommel horse on a broken leg, despite what Bela Karolyi might say
2) Watch reality television, unless one of the Brady Bunch is somehow involved
3) Root for the Fucking Miami Dolphins (their official name in my house)
4) Understand the ending to "Trading Places"
5) Resist widdoe kitties (oh they're so cute!)
6) Not embarrass myself in front of an auto mechanic
7) Arrive late for anything (I'd be 20 minutes early to my own execution)

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Heartbeat
2) Pulse
3) Breathing
4) Two X chromosomes
5) Breasts
6) Vagina
7) Recognizing and laughing at a "Real Genius" reference

7 things that I say most often:
1) There's J-Roll, swinging at the first pitch...
2) Kitty girl!
3) Fucking iPod!
4) Bite me.
5) I hate myself.
6) Fucking Bill Gates!
7) Nice turn signal, asshole!

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Bobby Abreu
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Liz Phair
4) Dorothy Krysiuk
5) Thalia Assuras
6) Tom Brady
7) Miranda July

There's another section about the 7 people you want to see do this, but I don't know seven people, so I'm skipping it. So sad.

Feel free to complete this meme, at your own peril.

DADDY UTLEY

Hold your horses. Throttle your engines. Cool your jets. Go to impulse power, Mr. Sulu. The Phils won.

Ok, mostly it was me who was panicking, but I have good reason. Pedro Martinez was no match for Chase Utley, who belted a pair homers in an impressive 8-2 victory. Ryan Howard and yes, Mike Lieberthal, contributed solo shots. Brett Myers gave up six hits and a walk in seven innings, giving way to two thirds of the holy trinity, Oogy and Wags, who finished off the Mets with no problems. I was in disposed as usual on Wednesday and only caught the top of the first and the bottom of the seventh onward. The Phillies even managed to overcome an early 2-0 deficit to send Pedro to his sixth defeat. The four homers marked only the third time in his career that he had yielded as many in one game.

Houston won to stay within a half game, but Florida lost, putting them a game back, the Mets 1.5 out and Washington two clear. It'll be Jon Lieber vs. Tom Glavine this afternoon in Flushing. Glavine was 3-2 with a 2.50 ERA in August. His ERA has gotten progressively better each month (except for a slight uptick in June) as we start September. The Phillies lit him up in May when he was scuffling terribly, and he hasn't had much success in the past three seasons against us. Lieber has been OK of late, but the Phils haven't scored a run in his last two starts.

It's looking like I may have to ship those tickets back to that guy in DC the way the gasoline supply is drying up. I work in the oil industry, and obviously I can't divulge much, but things are not looking good. Log on to www.fema.gov and please send a donation to the charity of your choice. Whatever we can give will help get that area back together more quickly so that we can all return to our usual profligate ways. Until then, the people in that area and I'm afraid most of the rest of us as well have a tough six months to a year ahead.

LIKE THE 17TH STREET LEVEE

Oh, the indignities of being a Phillies fan. They're going to do it again for the fourth straight year, and there is nothing we can do about it.

The 2005 Collapse started officially last night, as the Phils dropped a gut-wrenching game to the Mets, 6-4. Kenny Lofton put the Phils on the board in the first with a solo shot, his first since opening day, and after a Bobby Abreu single, Pat Burrell hit number 27 of the season to make it 3-0. The Mets got a solo homer from Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the first, but the Phils answered back with a run in the second using some little ball, with a Mike Lieberthal single, a Robbie Tejeda bunt, and a J-Roll single off Miguel Cairo's glove. Tejeda seemed to settle in at that point, blanking the Mets until the fifth, when Beltran smacked a two-out single to drive in Jose Reyes.

The turning point came in the top of the fifth. Lofton led off with a double over Victor Diaz's head in right, and then Utley hit a sharp single to center. Lofton appeared to get an excellent jump, and was sent home by Bill Dancy. Beltran made an unbelievable peg to the plate, which made the play much closer than it should have been. Lofton was clearly safe, but umpire Fieldin Culbreth had positioned himself between catcher Ramon Castro and the plate, completely missing seeing Lofton's foot slide in under the tag. The call was out, prompting Charlie Manuel, who had a much better view from the third base dugout, to get himself tossed from the game. To top it off, Utley inexplicably failed to move to second on the throw, and the Phils went quietly, well, for the entire rest of the game.

It still looked pretty good after Tejeda got out of the sixth inning without allowing another run, and it was time for Lock, Stock and Barrel. Unfortunately, it turned out more like Larry and Moe, and we never even got to Curly. Madson was wildly ineffective, giving up a double to Castro and eventually loading the bases on a hit-by-pitch and a walk before wild-pitching in the third Mets run. Chris Wheeler actually said something intelligent prior to the hit-by-pitch of Miguel Cairo. Madson had tried to come inside to the right-handed hitting Cairo earlier in the at-bat and just missed plunking him. Wheels noted at that point that since Madson doesn't have a good breaking ball with which to get Cairo fishing on the outer half, coming inside was a foolish and unnecessarily risky maneuver. Sure enough, Lieby called for another inside fastball that hit Cairo on the arm, bringing up the middle of the Mets order. Madson almost got out of it unscathed if not for the wild pitch to our buddy, Yukon Cornelius. Floyd later whiffed on a Madson change-up, which was the pitch he should have thrown to Cairo. It was about at that point I knew the game was lost. I was simply wondering how.

Ugueth Urbina quickly answered that question in the bottom of the eighth. He walked David Wright, who was out stealing second but was called safe, as one would expect by this point. Oogy got rookie Mike Jacobs swinging, but then walked Victor Diaz to bring up the immortal Ramon Castro. Castro has a lifetime BA/OBP/SLG line of .225/.305/.389. Yes, his lifetime slugging percentage is under .400. He was only in there because a real hitter, Mike Piazza, is on the DL. He was the number eight hitter in Willie Randolph's lineup last night. None of that seemed to matter. Oogy dished up a 1-0 fastball right down the middle, which Castro deposited into the left field seats for the coup de grace. This disastrous turn of events is exactly why we're not going to be a championship club. When a guy like Ramon Castro steps up and you absolutely have to get him out, a championship club finds a way to get him out. A team on the verge of yet another cave-in gives up a three-run homer. We now have the definitive answer to which team we are.

Of course, everybody else in the wild card race won. Four teams are now within a half game, with the Nats 1.5 back. We even blew a chance to move up on the Braves. And guess what? Only one of the two or three best pitchers in the last 30 years of baseball history, Pedro Martinez, is starting tonight's game, and he's red hot, not allowing a run in his last two starts. Don't wait, get your 2005 Phillies Collapse Self-Mutilation Kits today!

...And, to keep things in perspective, let's pray for New Orleans, everybody.

SNAKE MIS-HANDLING

Just what I was afraid of. Losing the D'Backs series is pretty much a worst-case scenario. Now, we're clinging to a half-game wild card lead as we enter a stretch of 22 straight games versus winning teams. A game and a half lead wouldn't have been much better, but it would have helped.

Friday's game was a tight one that turned into a blowout. I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing, since I'm stupid like that, but it turned out OK. Chase Utley hit a pair of homers in his first and third at-bats, but Brett Myers couldn't keep the Snakes off the board, and eventually was pulled after the fourth inning due to his general ineffectiveness and recurring temper tantrums. Luckily, we had a fresh bullpen. With the game tied at 3-3 in the seventh after Utley's second homer and with the bases loaded, Jason Michaels hit a sharp grounder to the left of Royce Clayton, who fielded it but couldn't even flip it to second because of the hustling Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bobby Abreu came up next and...

(We interrupt this blog entry for an obscenity-laced diatribe.)

I'm sick to death of hearing how Bobby Abreu can't hit in the clutch, or never gets a big hit, or, according to the drunken old fucker sitting a few rows away from us at Citizens Bank Park the other night, "Abreu is Spanish for 'no heart'". Go fuck yourself. Seriously, place your penis inside your own anus, and then take a picture with your digital camera and post it on the "Hot Or Not" web site, if you can manage it, you stupid fuck. You're probably one of those assholes who booed Mike Schmidt at the Vet all those years as he helped deliver the only Phillies world championship and played himself into the Hall of Fame. We'd be so far out of the playoff race without Abreu, the Rockies would salivate at the thought of playing us. That is all.

...smacked an enormous grand slam to just left of the center field fence to blow the game open at 8-3. That was Bobby's third granny this year. The last Phillie to do so was Gene Freese in 1959. The Phils tacked on three more runs, and newly acquired Aquilino Lopez tossed two hitless innings for the 11-3 final.

Saturday's game...uh, not so good. Jon Lieber was excellent, but Brandon Webb and Jose Valverde were better, shutting out the Phils 2-0. The only runs were provided by Alex Cintron, who hit a nine-iron off his shoelaces just over Bobby's glove and the fence for a two-run homer in the seventh. Webb is a typical pitcher the Phils hate: not overpowering, but with a great sinker that is always around the plate. Valverde then came in and threw molten lava which the Phillies couldn't touch, even when it was right down the middle.

Then came Sunday. In a word, Ugh. Vicente Padilla had no command whatsoever, walking the bases loaded in the third before Shawn Green lifted a grand slam just into the left field seats for 6-2 Arizona lead. The Phils started to chip away until Rheal "Oh, No, Canada!" Cormier gave up four runs in a third of an inning, three of those on a Troy Glaus homer. Final: 10-5. Rheal, make sure to declare any fruits and vegetables at Customs on your way back to Quebec.

So, here we stand, a half-game up on Florida and heading for a three game set on Tuesday at Shea followed by three at RFK. I purchased tickets on e-Bay for the Sunday game in Washington, so that will be a loss. Sorry. I'm jonesing big time for RFK's delicious french fries, plus we just bought a new digital camera that I want to try out. If I am able to take a photo of Rheal Cormier, well, God help us.

NL WORST

I'm pretty stunned that the Phils have won a road series. When was the last time that happened? Well, the last three times before this one actually. Huh? Oh yeah, the NL West. That explains it.

Corey Lidle gave up a run in all three innings in which I was awake last night. Then I went to sleep, and Charlie took him out after four. How did he know it was OK to stop torturing me? Robbie Tejeda and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore pitched the final five innings of scoreless ball, and the Phils scored single runs in the fifth, sixth, and eighth to win 7-4. Abreu, Lofton and Bell had three hits apiece off Bad Brad Hennessey and the beastly Giants bullpen. Now it's on to the final NL West punching bag, Arizona. The Mets recently put up 32 runs in their final two games at the BOB. I'd settle for 30 in three.

The wild card lead has been stretched to a whopping 1.5 games. Am I still sleeping?

IT'S TOO LATE

We won a road game! I'll feel better if we win the series, naturally, but I'll take it. Ryan Howard had a career night, smacking four hits, including a solo smash off the forgettable Brett Tomko. The Phillies sprinted to a 5-1 lead early and put the game away with a four-run seventh and added a single run in the ninth for a 10-2 final. Vicente Padilla went eight strong innings to continue his mid-season run of excellence. The Astros lost again, so we're back in front for the wild card. I wish I could stay up tonight, but I know if I did, we'd lose in some hideous fashion in extra innings and I'd spend all day tomorrow alternately exhausted and in a state of despair and regret. Not that that would be any different than usual, but still.

GIANT NOTHING

And so it begins. The Phils tripped out of the gate in San Fran with a 5-0 blanking by Noah Lowry. At least he's on my Strat team. This is going to be a bad two weeks.

BUCCO SUCK-O

It's been a while since I checked in with the Phils, due to a vacation day on Friday spent trying to get our car inspected for less than $1,000 (successful, no thanks to the dealer) and trying to get Comcast to fix my sporadic cable modem connection (unsuccessful, so far).

On Thursday, the Phillies split the day/night doubleheader with the Nationals. They took the day game 2-1 behind Vicente Padilla and Plains, Trains, and Automobiles. In the nightcap, Charlie Manuel attempted to use Oogie Urbina three times within 24 hours to disastrous effect, as Oogie blew a 4-3 lead on a double, a couple of singles, and a crucial missed cut-off throw by Pat Burrell to give the Nats the 5-4 win.

My wife and I attended Friday night's game (I forgot my camera, sorry), which was "Disability Awareness Night". The Phillies celebrated by playing like a bunch of quadriplegics, absorbing an 11-2 pounding that was not as close as the score would indicate. In addition, it rained for about three solid innings. Boy, can I pick 'em. Robbie Tejeda looked suspiciously like that guy who had a 5+ ERA in Reading last year. Maybe the aliens have switched their bodies back. At least the grub at Bull's was good.

Saturday and Sunday were more pleasant, I guess because I was not at the park. On Saturday, Chase Utley tripled in two runs in the fourth, and Brett Myers went the route for a 6-1 final. For the series finale Sunday, Eude Brito made his long-awaited debut as a Phillie, starting and going five innings, allowing only a Brad Eldred homer, two other hits, and a walk. Frenchie Cormier rapidly gave up the tying runs in the sixth to make it 3-3, but then Bobby Abreu hit a clutch double down the right field line to score Jason Michaels from first base with two outs in the seventh. Michaels executed a perfect slide to touch the plate with his hand and avoid the tag from catcher Ryan Doumit. Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll came through again to finish out the 4-3 victory. Wags now has 30 saves.

Monday morning's standings have the Phils maintaining a half-game lead for the wild card over Houston, who took two of three from the bumbling Brewers. The division lead is suddenly down to only 3.5 games after Atlanta went on a 4-6 run over the last 10 games, but since we never beat the Braves head-to-head, I'm still saying that race is over. The wild card, well, it might be over soon. The Phils start a 12-game, bi-coastal road trip tonight in San Francisco. This is pretty much the season, right here. If the Phils go worse than 6-6, they may never recover. The first six games are extremely winnable, against the struggling Giants and D'Backs. The last six, though, should be brutal, against the tough-at-home Nats and the always annoying Cornelius Floyd and the Mets. Houston is also on the west coast, vs. the Padres and Dodgers, but they come right back home to play the pathetic Reds. We won't get a break in the schedule there until Houston hosts St. Louis in early September, by which time the Cards may have come within a few games of clinching the division. It only gets worse after that. The only games Houston has scheduled against winning teams in September are three here with us, four at home with Florida, and two very late games with the sure-to-be resting Cardinals. Meanwhile, we have to traverse the Sunni Triangle that is the NL East, with our only respite being three games at Cincinnati.

Well, I'll do my part. No more Citizens Bank Park for me this year.

WILD TIE

Forty-two more games. Twenty-four road games, 18 home games. This is what separates us from the post-season after last night's 4-3 defeat of the Nats. I'll allow myself about twelve hours of happiness until reality sets in.

J-Roll and Kenny Lofton scored in the first off Washington starter Esteban Loaiza on a Chase Utley sac fly and a Pat Burrell double respectively. In the fourth, Vinny Castilla hit his 943rd home run off Phillies pitching to make it 2-1, and then starter Jon Lieber allowed a double to Christian Guzman, a guy who's been "on the interstate" so long he has a frequent guest card at EconoLodge. A real hitter, Jose Vidro, singled in Guzman to tie it up. Answering back quickly, Rollins and Lofton reached base again in the bottom of the inning, on a single and a double, and Bobby Abreu earned the Phillies Radio Network Star Of The Game (I was listening on the way home last night) by doubling off the Lukoil sign in left center to score both runners. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot held on to the lead barely, with Madson (I guess he would be Yakko) yielding a sac fly to Vinnie after the Nats led off the seventh with a single and a ground-rule double. Wags gave up a leadoff single to Jose Guillen in the ninth before striking out the next two hitters and amazingly getting Vinnie to ground out. Aside from the fourth inning, Lieber was terrific, giving up only three hits and a walk in six innings for his 12th win.

With Houston losing to the Cubs, The Phillies and Astros have identical 64-56 records. We play Houston at home for three in September, and we play the other team with which we are tied in the loss column, Washington, eight more times starting with a doubleheader today. Baseball Prospectus puts our playoff odds at 27.4%, while Houston's are 32.3%. The difference in expected wins between the two teams is only one win, with neither team predicted to win 90 games. Those eight games with Washington, six of which are at RFK, appear to be the key games. They've been tremendous at home (34-22), and we tend not to play well in pitcher's parks. We took two of three there in April, though. This upcoming twelve-game, four-city, bi-coastal road trip with no days off could also serve to expose us like Jude Law changing into his swim trunks (you can find the link to that photo yourself, weirdo. It wasn't that special anyway. I mean...never mind). When you look at it, there isn't really any series we can afford to lose. Let's see...yeah, my twelve hours are nearly up.

IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD HURLER

It's hard to win a game when you're having a two-hour temper tantrum, as Brett Myers discovered last night. Myers, acting like Terrell Owens after being told to shut up, snit-fitted his way through six miserable innings and three Nationals' homers as the Phils fell by a 6-3 score. I literally got a migraine headache in about the fourth inning and had to go to bed. It was a bad night all around. Larry Bowa's ghost, in the form of his nephew Nick Johnson, struck in the first inning with the first Washington home run. Preston Wilson, our nemesis from his days with the Marlins, hit the other two off Myers. On our side, Jimmy Rollins is now 2 for his last 35, and the umps blew the call on Wilson's second homer, which did not clear the fence in right field, and may have even been interfered with by a fan.

Corey Lidle tries to tie the series tonight vs. Ryan Drese, who we've smacked around pretty good this year against two different teams. The Astros won, dropping us into third place in the wild card, 1.5 games back. Once again, we get oh so close, and then drop back. As Brett Myers would say, "G*dd!mn M#therf^cking C%cks*ck%ng ..."

PEARLS BEFORE SWOON?

A half-game. We're only a half-game out of the playoffs! How can that be?

Well, one of the reasons is the San Diego Padres. The Phillies completed a season sweep of the Padres on Sunday, wrapping up a 5-1 SoCal road trip. Friday's game turned on a first inning three-run homer by Pat Burrell, who has been an OPS machine in recent days. Jake Peavy was spectacular in innings two through seven, but Jon Lieber was a little bit better overall, holding the Padres to single runs in the first and fourth innings. San Diego nearly tied it in the fourth if not for their freakishly large right field power alley. Mark Sweeney connected on a center-of-the-plate fastball, driving it well over Kenny Lofton's and Bobby Abreu's heads. It seemed like an easy home run off the bat, but it didn't even reach the fence in the air, bouncing in front of the 411 sign. Sweeney was held to a double, and was left stranded to finish the scoring for the night at 3-2. Snap, Crackle, and Pop gave up two hits and struck out three in three innings.

Vicente Padilla faced off with Pedro Astacio on Saturday night. Both pitchers were brilliant through six, until David Bell finally drove in Pat Burrell with two outs in the seventh with a hard single to left. Oogie Urbina relieved Padilla in the eighth and walked leadoff hitter Ryan Klesko before striking out Brian Giles and Mark Sweeney. Urbina then walked Mark Loretta and had two strikes on Khalil Greene before yielding a long double to the wall in center. Klesko scored easily, but Lofton and Utley made perfect relay throws to nail Loretta and preserve the tie. Bruce Bochy opted to bring in closer Trevor Hoffman to start the ninth. Hoffman never looked comfortable, giving up three straight singles to Abreu, Burrell, and Ryan Howard, followed by a sac bunt by Bell and a sac fly by Mike Lieberthal. Jason Michaels ended Hoffman's dismal evening by tripling in the fourth run. Rudy Seanez then wild-pitched Michaels in to make it 5-1. With the save situation gone, Billy Wagner put his jacket back on in favor of Aaron Fultz. Fultz made Billy take his jacket right back off when Miguel Olivo led off the bottom of the ninth with a homer to the left field bleachers. After a one-out walk to Xavier Nady, Wags came on and retired the final two hitters for the save and a 5-2 final.

Sunday's game ceased to be a contest when the Phils sent nine men to the plate before making an out in the fifth inning. The final toll was seven runs on six hits and two brutal Padres errors. The first error was by catcher Miguel Olivo, who tried to get the force at third on Robbie Tejeda's sac bunt. The ball ended up in left field, scoring David Bell with the first run of the inning. Later, after starter Chan Ho Park had been pulled, ageless Eric Young, who had made a terrific diving play earlier on Kenny Lofton, blew a routine fielder's choice by throwing wide to second base. That opened the door for Pat Burrell and Ryan Howard to drive in three more runs. Tejeda made it through seven innings for the first time all season, and despite another inflammable Frenchie Cormier inning, the Phils held on to win 8-3. Tejeda lowered his ERA to 2.71.

As noted earlier, Houston lost two of three at home to the Bucs to tighten the wild card race to a mere half-game. The Astros stay home to face the Cubs, who played well to take two of three against the Cards at Wrigley this weekend. We travel cross-country back home to take on the pesky Nationals in what should be a grinding four game series, followed by the Pirates for three. Believe it or not, I have purchased tickets for the Friday game vs. Pittsburgh for what should be my only excursion to Citizens Bank Park this season. I finally convinced my Texas-born wife that at least Bull's Bar-B-Que would be worth the trip. I'll post some photos next week.

I'm still very skeptical we can win this playoff spot. There are simply too many road games left, and too many home games and way too many virtuoso starting pitchers for Houston. Also, Tejeda can't possibly stay effective with that BB/IP ratio, and Charlie can't keep flogging the Nina, the Pinta and The Santa Maria the way he's been doing without one of them breaking down. Throw in an inevitable slump from either Abreu, Burrell, and/or Utley, and we'll be lucky to finish out of last. The late August/early September dive has been the Phillies way for several years now. It's August 15th. Get ready.

STAY CLASSY

Predictable. In fact, I did predict it. Odalis Perez did in fact stymie the Phillies hitters last night, holding them to a paltry five hits in eight innings on his way to a leisurely 5-1 win in the series finale. Chase Utley (who else?) scored the only run for the Phils after tripling in the second inning. Corey Lidle struggled to find the strike zone, walking six before turning a 4-1 game over to Aaron Fultz, who allowed a homer to Jason Phillips during his second and final inning of work. The game was put hopelessly out of reach (by Phillies' standards) in the fifth when two of Lidle's walks were driven home by a Jeff Kent double.

Just when we thought we had some traction in the wild card race, we drop another game to the Astros. Andy Pettitte beat Ryan Drese of the Nats to propel Houston to a 2.5 game lead. Next, we travel down the coast to San Diego, which of course is German for "a whale's vagina". Actual Padre ace Jake Peavy starts tonight against our paycheck ace, Jon Lieber. The Astros get the lowly Bucs at home for three, meaning this could be the weekend they put us in the rearview mirror for good. Great Odin's raven!

BROKEN THOME

We won another one! On the road!

Ryan Howard, as of yesterday the full-time first baseman for the Phils for the remainder of the season now that Jim Thome will be undergoing season-ending elbow surgery, crushed a salami in the ninth inning off beleaguered Dodgers closer Yhency Brazoban to propel the Phils to a 9-5 win.

Bobby Abreu hit another first inning homer, this time with only one on, to start the scoring. Jeff Kent answered with a three-run shot in the bottom half of the first. The Phillies tied it on a bases-loaded grounder by Brett Myers in the fourth. That's when the sandman took over for me. After I dozed off, the Phillies took a 5-3 lead on a Pat Burrell double and a Howard ground out in the fifth. The simmering volcano that is Milton Bradley re-tied the game with a two-run dinger off Myers, who ended up pitching seven decent innings except for the homers. Good thing this wasn't a home game or we'd have to endure more endless hand wringing about how much of a bandbox Citizens Bank Park is. I mean, sure it is, but does anybody think Dave Montgomery is going to tear out ten rows of $30 seats in left field? He'd rather pimp out his own mother. Knowing him, he may do that anyway, if she's still alive.

Back to the action, so to speak. The Phils blew an opportunity to take the lead in the eighth after Black Hole Sun #2, Mike Lieberthal (I guess Charlie doesn't watch Daily News Live), uncharacteristically doubled to lead off, and was pinch run for by Endy Chavez. Tomas Perez bunted Chavez to third, but then J-Roll whiffed and Lofton lined out to center to end the threat. I'm happy to have been sound asleep for that inning. Oogie retired the Dodgers in the bottom half of the eighth to set up Howard's game winner. Brazoban hit Utley to lead it off, and after Chase stole second, Bobby was given a free pass and Burrell drew another walk the hard way. I didn't see the slam, but according to ESPN, Ryan hit it to right-center, which is unusual for him. With the four-run lead, Madson was summoned, and he retired the Dodgers in order to rest up Wagner in case he's needed in game three. By the way, I'm going to stop calling them the Swingin' Bullpen Trio and start using names from RateItAll.com for famous trios, you know, to mix it up. Therefore, tonight's game was Bacon and Lettuce with no Tomato.

The Astros beat the Nats 7-6 to help them start a new losing streak in one-run games, we hope. We're back in second place in the wild card, still 1.5 games out, with the Nats and Marlins two games back. I'll bet you'll never guess what Atlanta did. I think that 30-5 run I predicted for the Braves is coming true. God bless 'em. We aren't going to catch them, that's for certain.

PAT RE-ACQUAINTED WITH BAT

The Dodgers went back to Brad Penny after all, and he pitched well, but the Phils jumped on reliever Steve (Doctor) Schmoll for five runs in the eighth inning and won 8-4. Pat Burrell hit a three-run homer, his first since July 19th (are they blaming that on the Home Run Derby, too?), and Ryan Howard followed with a solo shot. I went to bed after Chase Utley fanned to end the top of the third inning. Robbie Tejeda went five, allowing two runs on five hits and four walks. Aaron Fultz preceded the Swingin' Bullpen Trio to finish out the game. Oogie Urbina gave up two runs after the Phils had taken a 6-2 lead, but then the Phils rallied for two more runs in the ninth to make it a non-save opportunity for Billy Wagner.

Nice win. Unfortunately, with Penny starting game one, that means we get Lowe and Perez again in games two and three. Lowe throws sinkers, and you just have to ask Tomo Ohka (or his interpreter) about how much the Phillies love swinging at and missing balls in the dirt. Perez, meanwhile, is another in a procession of lefthanders that routinely mystify the Phillies lineup. I'm reading that the "Black Hole" numbers regarding David Bell and Mike Lieberthal hitting back-to-back have made it onto Comcast Sportsnet. Good work by blog commenter George S. and blogger Jason Weitzel of Beerleaguer. Maybe Charlie will think about batting Bell second against Perez. Bell has a 1.026 OPS vs. southpaws in 106 plate appearances. Or, since it's a mini-travel day, maybe he'll start Todd Pratt (1.239 OPS vs. lefties in 34 PA). Or both. Anything but the Black Hole, please!

The Astros lost to the Nationals and the Marlins won, moving all three wild card trailers up a game. The Nats are a game out, we're a game and a half, and the Fish are two out. I can't believe we're still in this thing. Intellectually, I'm looking at all the upcoming road games, the Astros parsimonious starting pitching, the way our offense decides to take games off once or twice a week, the fact that we're relying on walk-machine Robbie Tejeda to somehow continue to not give up bunches of runs, Jon Lieber's 5.00 ERA, etc., etc., and coming to the conclusion that there is no way, no how this bunch will be playing meaningful games in late September. But then I look at the standings and we're always within one good week of taking the wild card lead. I wish we would either make a 20-5 or a 5-20 run and get it over with. It's the uncertainty that I hate the most. I'm blaming it on the wild card. Without that, this division race is o-vah. The Braves are calling up guys from Richmond who are better than all the veterans on the Phillies roster, and they keep winning even if most of their lineup isn't old enough to remember Steve Carlton, and the rest were once teammates with him (Julio Franco, 1987 Indians). The wild card, though, is sitting there, beckoning to us like a Siren perched on a rock, driving us all to madness. I guess that would make Charlie Manuel Ulysses, although he fits in better as Everett from "Oh Brother Where Art Thou". Or at least Delmar.

BITTER BREW

Another weekend of lost opportunity. The Brewers took two of three from the Phils at home at a time when home games are dwindling to a precious few. On Friday, Ben Sheets was his dominant self, as feared, ceding only an eighth inning homer to Bobby Abreu over nine innings. Corey Lidle matched the big righthander, giving up one solo homer to Geoff Jenkins over eight innings. With the Swingin' Bullpen Trio gassed from overuse, Charlie was forced to employ first Frenchie Cormier, who negotiated the ninth, and then Geoff Geary, who was not as fortunate in the tenth. Bill Hall led off the inning with a single, and was doubled to third by Damian Miller. Bobby made a poor cutoff throw to Utley, allowing Hall to score, and then Utley threw one in the dugout trying to get Miller heading for third, awarding him home plate as well. The Phils got the first two runners on in the tenth, but then Jimmy Rollins, Jason Michaels, and Utley went quietly against emergency closer Matt Wise for a 3-1 final.

Saturday was a laugher against lefty Chris Capuano and reliever Rick Helling. The Phils chased Capuano after five innings with homers by Todd Pratt and J-Roll, and then scored three runs off Helling in the sixth before he could retire a batter to put the game out of reach. They added another run in the seventh to make the final score 8-2. Jon Lieber was sharp, allowing seven hits and one walk in seven innings. Russell Branyan hit a monster blast into the visitors (or upper) bullpen in the seventh in garbage time.

Sunday was another one of those games when I really question why I've been wasting my time on this maddening bunch of malingerers. The immortal Tomo Ohka took the mound for Milwaukee, sporting a mediocre 4.07 ERA against the rest of the league and working on his second team after being traded away by the Nationals. Ohka proceeded to completely baffle the Phillies for eight innings, getting them to swing at slider after slider on their shoetops. Adjust, dammit! Vicente Padilla was pitching almost as well, having made one terrible pitch to Rickie Weeks, who smacked it to deep left center to score the only two runs of the game. 2-nuthin. 2-nada. 2-zip. 2-oh(ka). Oh damn.

With the Astros win Sunday night, we're back to 2.5 games out of the wild card, trailing both Florida and Washington, who are now tied at two games back. Florida starts a four game set with the Rockies today with a day/night doubleheader at Coors Field. The Nats and Astros duke it out in Houston for three starting Tuesday. I guess we have to root for Washington to take two of three there, since they are closer to us. We wouldn't want them to sweep or else they'd have the wild card lead, and we'd have no way to make up any ground on them. Then again, none of it matters unless we sweep the Dodgers. We were supposed to get the same pitching matchups as we had at the Bank, when we lost two of three, but the Dodgers moved Brad Penny back to game two and will start rookie D.J. Houlton in the first game tomorrow night. Houlton didn't become a starter until June, and he's been so-so since moving to the rotation, which is an improvement on the downright awful he was in the bullpen. He's certainly a more appealing sight out there than Odalis Perez, who made the Phils look foolish in recording the only 1-0 victory by an opposing pitcher in the history of Citizens Bank Park. In any event, it's getting to the point where I look forward to off days. That can't be good.

BOBBY SOCK

Single, single, walk, grand slam. Yeah, that's a pretty good way to start a game. Bobby Abreu awoke from his home run slumber to stake the Phils to a 4-0 lead in the first inning, and Todd Pratt and Chase Utley added solo shots in a 6-4 win. The Cubs sandwiched two two-run innings around Pratt's fifth inning homer, but never got closer than a 1-run deficit. Brett Myers won his 10th game, and the Swingin' Bullpen Trio was outstanding again, giving up only a single in two and two thirds innings. Daddy Wags picked up save number 25, which, if nothing else, will help him extract more cash from Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner around winter meetings time.

The Astros lost to the sub-.500 but still playoff-hopeful D'Backs, but the Nats and Marlins (oh, and the Braves) also won. The Phils' are now 2.5 back in the wild card and still six back for, oh never mind. The Big Blue Brew Crew stops by for three starting tonight, followed by a six-game trip to Chavez Ravine and Petco Park. Jeez, I sound like Jeannie Zelasko. Anyway, tonight's matchup pits the Brewers big stud, Ben Sheets, against our, uh, decidedly un-stud Corey Lidle. Sheets is on my Strat team, so I've been following him closely. After a Cy Young-quality season last year, he went down early in the season with an inner ear infection, took a while to recover, and has been superb of late. His last outing was a complete-game six-hitter against the Giants. It gets easier the final two games with Chris Capuano on Saturday and the immortal Tomo Ohka on Sunday afternoon, but tonight's game may be simply a chance to watch one of the best pitchers in the majors be his dominant self. Having written that, I now expect a final score of about 14-12.

GRIN AND BARRETT

Sometimes, you have to let the Cubs be the Cubs. On a very odd play that I've never seen before and will likely never see again, the Phillies scored the game-winning run in the bottom of the ninth on a Pat Burrell walk-off strikeout to beat the cursed Cubbies 4-3.

As with most Wednesdays, I missed the prelude. The Phils took a 1-0 lead in the third on a Bobby Abreu double, a Pat Burrell walk, a Ryan Howard infield single, and a David Bell sac fly. Mike Lieberthal followed with an RBI single for a 2-0 lead, and after Robbie Tejeda bunted his way on via Chicago starter Jerome Williams' error, J-Roll grounded into a fielder's choice to score Howard for the third Phils run. Tejeda was fantastic again, allowing only a single run in the fifth on three cheap singles and a sac fly by pinch-hitter Jose Macias.

It was looking like an easy W as Charlie turned it over to the Swingin' Bullpen Trio in the seventh. Ryan Madson got no love from the Phils defense, however, allowing two unearned runs in his seventh inning stint. The only error was by David Bell, who was eaten up by an Aramis Ramirez grounder to lead things off. After Todd Walker whiffed, Neifi Perez doubled and Michael Barrett lined out, Manuel was forced to bring in Frenchie Cormier to face the left-handed pinch-hitter Todd Hollandsworth with runners on second and third. Hollandsworth hit a broken bat looper into right field that Abreu got a terrible jump on and which fell in for a two-run double and a tie game. I had just re-joined the game on the radio at that point, and Wheels and Scott Graham were busy convincing each other that Abreu was justifiably confused by the broken bat. I haven't seen it yet, but in light of the ending, I really don't care anymore.

Will Ohman retired the Phils in the bottom of the seventh, and Oogie Urbina took care of the Cubs in the eighth. The Phils had runners at second third with two outs off Roberto Novoa in their half of the eighth until Tomas Perez skied to shallow center to end the threat. Daddy Wags skated through the top of the ninth, and then the fun began.

Lefty Mike Remlinger, who is far better against righties, took the mound for the Cubs in the ninth. J-Roll, hitting right anyway, greeted him a double up the gap to right center that might have been a triple had there not been none out. Kenny Lofton moved the runner to third with a grounder to Derek Lee and nearly beat it out when Remlinger didn't cover. Dusty Baker then walked Utley and Abreu to load the bases, and inexplicably brought in righty Mike Wuertz to face Burrell. Do managers never look at stats or know their own players? Remlinger held righties to a .562 OPS from 2002 to 2004 vs. .757 vs. lefties, and he has a .699 vs. .884 righty/lefty split this year. The Braves knew this when they had him, and used him as a setup guy against both kind of hitters. Dusty apparently thinks he's a LOOGY despite all evidence to the contrary. Oh well. Like I said, you have to let the Cubs be the Cubs.

Facing Wuertz, Burrell worked the count to 2-2 after taking some bad swings at a couple of sliders, and then swung and missed again on a nasty breaking pitch for the second out. Catcher Michael Barrett, however, couldn't handle the pitch and it squirted behind him a few feet but not all the way to the backstop. With a runner on and less than two outs, of course, Burrell is out without any further play needing to be made. Pat started running to first anyway, and Barrett looked confused for a second before noticing that Jimmy Rollins was barreling home. J-Roll quickly stopped and raced back toward third, and Barrett panicked and heaved the ball toward a stunned Aramis Ramirez, who had to lunge to his left to grab it. J-Roll then executed a perfect pirouette and headed back home again, easily beating Ramirez's return throw for the winning run. I sat there and watched this all unfold on Comcast Sportsnet, not knowing what the hell was going on. I initially thought there was a force play at home, but I forgot that there was only two out after Burrell struck out and nobody had to advance. Then I was pissed at J-Roll for thinking he could score on a ball only feet from home plate. Finally I was jubilant as I realized that Barrett had completely blown the rundown play by making far too long of an initial throw. As Dana Carvey doing Johnny Carson might say, "weird, wild stuff."

The win kept us from falling even further behind the Astros, who shut out Arizona. We even managed to pick up a game on the Braves, again, not that it matters. We're 3.5 back in the wild card, six back in the division. We go for the series win this afternoon with Brett Myers against the oft-injured but brilliant when healthy Mark Prior. Is this a Businessgoat's Special?

TOMAS THEN NO MAS

Infuriating.

The Phils dropped a maddening, disturbing, yes, infuriating game to the Cubs by a 2-1 score last night. They wasted another good outing by Vicente Padilla, who was still in there chucking to start the eighth inning despite having already topped 100 pitches for only the third time this year and despite never having gone more than seven innings all season and despite a rested bullpen. AARRRGHH! Come on, Charlie, you've been extremely consistent in using Madson, Urbina, and Wagner in late-inning pressure situations recently. Why was this one different? Maybe with Brett Myers or a veteran like Jon Lieber or Corey Lidle you let him pitch the eighth inning in a 0-0 game, but certainly not with Padilla.

The results were predictable, as Padilla tired, loading the bases before Oogie was finally summoned. Urbina nearly wild-pitched himself out of the inning, strangely enough. He let one go to Aramis Ramirez that bounced straight back to Mike Lieberthal, who after looking around a bit finally noticed that Jeromy Burnitz was halfway to second base while all the other runners had stayed put. That pickoff was the second out of the inning, and for a moment it looked like the Phils would exit unscathed. Ramirez then hit a sharp grounder that David Bell would handle or at least knock down about 90% of the time. Naturally, the ball skipped by a sliding Bell into left field to score two runs. AAARRGGHHH! again. After a harmless hit by Todd Walker, Neifi Perez was fanned, but the 2-0 deficit loomed over the inept Phillies offense the way the Baseball Writers Association of America will be looming over the career of Rafael Palmeiro in a few years.

The Phillies went quietly in their half of the eighth against Carlos Zambrano, who was doing his best Roger Clemens impersonation last night. Zambrano allowed no runs and only four hits in eight innings. After Madson retired the Cubs in the top half of ninth, Cubs closer-for-now Ryan Dempster retired Kenny Lofton to start the bottom of the inning. Then came a whole lot of missing of the strike zone. Dempster walked Chase Utley, Bobby Abreu, Pat Burrell, and finally Ryan Howard to force in the Phillies only run of the night. In light of ensuing events, it looked like a canny strategy on the part of Dusty Baker. For some unknown reason, Manuel let David Bell, a .207 hitter against righties entering the night, face the hard-throwing Dempster. Tomas Perez a switch hitter, was available on the bench. Matt Kata, another switch hitter, was not, having gone in to pinch-run for Burrell. Why not pinch-run Jason Michaels, a right-handed hitter, and keep Kata available to pinch hit? Why did you not use Micahels at all for any reason? Why, Charlie, why? Bell flailed at a 2-2 slider for the second out, and then Perez, hitting for Lieberthal, had the worst at-bat in recorded history, waving at two high fastballs that Yao Ming would have taken for the game ending strikeout. Did I mention AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

The loss dropped us 3.5 games behind the Astros, who beat Arizona behind the real Roger Clemens. Not that it matters, but the Braves won again (surprise) and now have a 5.5 game lead over Washington, 6.5 over Florida, and 7 over us. The Cubs and Mets are only a half-game back of us for the wild card. Did we ever need that game. Argh.

ACH DU LIEBER!

Recapping the weekend, the Phils turned in a good but not great performance in Colorado, winning three of four and managing to keep within hailing distance of the Astros for the wild card.

Game two on Friday was a solid outing by Brett Myers to pick up his ninth win. Myers went six and change and turned it over to The Chollie Manuel Swingin' Bullpen Trio of Ryan Madson, Oogie Urbina, and Billy Wagner for the final 7 outs and a 5-3 final. The offense was provided by everyone but Pat Burrell, the only Phil to take a collar.

On Saturday, the Phils streaked to a 7-1 lead behind Corey Lidle, who along with Aaron Fultz gave almost all of it back before the C.M.S.B.T. retired the final nine batters in order to wrap up the 8-7 victory. Burrell made up for Friday by going 4-for-4 and driving in two runs and scoring two.

Jeff Francis, the only Rockies pitcher who seems un-intimidated by Coors Field, took the hill on Sunday and mowed down the Phils for six shutout innings in a 9-2 Rockies win. Jon Lieber was also cruising through the first four with only one hit allowed before one of the Rocky Mountains fell on him. The Rocks went single, double, out, single, single, sac fly, HBP, double, single, homer before Lieber was finally pulled after allowing nine runs. Not necessarily needless to say in this park, that was all Colorado needed.

The wild card deficit remains a scant 2.5 games behind the Astros, who finally lost a game on Sunday to the Mets. The Nats also beat the Marlins Sunday, leaving the Fish tied with us for third in the division race, which looks all but over with Atlanta five games clear.

Now for the deadline trade analysis. (Tapping of feet.) (Looking at watch.) (Uncomfortable silence.) (Looking at shoes). Ok, there was no deadline trade. I really thought Ed would move Billy Wagner, but in hindsight, it's probably a good thing he didn't. Considering the names of the players who changed hands, none of them were worth to us what Wagner might be for the next two months, and even if Billy walks away to free agency after the season, we'll still get a sandwich pick in the draft which will be probably be more useful in the long run than Ron Villone or Yorvit Torrealba. The Braves added the flame-throwing but inconsistent Kyle Farnsworth to compete with Chris Reitsma for their closer role. Knowing them, it will work out beautifully and the Braves will win the pennant. If Wade had made that deal, we'd be hanging him in effigy after Farnsworth blew his fifth consecutive save in some sort of spectacular fashion.

We're back home Tuesday after an off day against another wild card rival, the Cubbies. Vicente Padilla looks to extend his recent run of not-bad games against Chicago's Carlos Zambrano. The Brewers are next after the Cubs. The Astros are on a roadie to Arizona and San Fran. It would have been better if it had been St. Louis and Atlanta, but you take what you can get. We could very easily make up the 2.5 on the Astros, but then again, the Nats and Marlins are there, too. The torture continues.

COORS AND A CHASER

It was close, but that's one. The Phils overcame a blown hold by Oogie Urbina to prevail over the Colorado Rockies 8-5 last night. I only watched to the point where Chase Utley hit a two-run homer to make it 5-2. I assumed that the scoring was only just beginning, and I was right, but to a lesser degree than normal at Coors Field. Robbie Tejeda was adequate, pitching five and a third innings and giving up only three runs. After he left, Frenchie Cormier yielded yet another homer, to the other Luis Gonzalez in the seventh, and then Urbina allowed the tying run in the eighth on singles by such luminaries as Garrett Atkins, Eric Byrnes, and Jorge Piedra.

The Phils quickly jumped on the third Rockies reliever, Mike "Grey Poupon" DeJean, to start the ninth. David Bell led off with a double, and was pinch run for by Matt Kata. Ramon Martinez laid down a successful sacrifice, followed by an unsuccessful attempt by Endy Chavez to hit an RBI grounder. J-Roll was intentionally passed, and then Tomas Perez plated Kata with an infield hit to break the tie. Our boy Utley then smacked his second double of the game to clear the bases to make it 8-5. Daddy Wags, in perhaps one of his final appearances as a Phillie, earned his 22nd save with a perfect ninth.

In a very disturbing report on Baseball Prospectus, Will Carroll mentioned that the Pirates are working on shipping, gulp, Jose Mesa, along with former Astros prospect and major disappointment Daryle Ward to the Phillies (or to the Mets). He said the Pirates are looking for minor and major leaguers in return. Please, Ed, if you're actually going to make this deal, just come to my house armed with a .45 and blow my brains out. I wouldn't have much to live for anyway.

Last night's win vaulted us over the Mets and into a tie with the Marlins for third. The Braves are steaming off into the distance toward division crown number 14 straight after sweeping the Nats. Their lead is now three over Washington, whose prowess in one-run games has evaporated like a shot of Everclear in Death Valley (today's high: 116). Jeff Francoeur, who started the season at AA Mississippi, hit a pair of homers to provide the margin of victory, and has 5 dingers in 34 at-bats. Why are we even bothering? Oh yeah, the wild card. Now, if Clemens, Oswalt, and Pettitte all get hurt...

ROGER THAT

Oh, the pain.

The Phillies staggered further westward to the Rocky Mountains last night after dropping an excrutiating 3-2 decision to Roger Clemens and the Astros. Things started off well, with an RBI single by Bobby Abreu to score Chase Utley in the bottom of the first. The Astros then grabbed a lead in the second which they never relinquished on an Orlando Palmeiro double and a very strange successful squeeze play by Brad Ausmus. Yes, they squeezed in the second inning. Having the Rocket on the mound will do that to you. Ausmus popped up the bunt, and Phils starter Vicente Padilla nearly caught it in the air, but like everything else that happens to the Phillies on the road, it wasn't meant to be. The ball somehow managed to get between Padilla's glove and his right hand and reach the turf. Padilla retrieved it and threw out Ausmus, but Palmeiro scored for the 2-1 lead. Lance Berkman singled in another run in the third to make it 3-1, and the Phillies cut the lead to 3-2 in the fourth on a walk to Pat Burrell, a Ryan Howard single, and a Mike Lieberthal sac fly. Then it was Rocket time. Roger went seven, turning it over to Mike Gallo and the incredibly nasty Brad Lidge, who picked up his 24th save in embarrassingly easy fashion.

We're back in last place, 5.5 games behind the Atlanta Anointed Ones, and with five teams (the Mets, Marlins, Nats, Astros, and, shockingly, the Cubs) between us and the wild card. The only positive outcome in Denver would be a four game sweep, which is extremely unlikely, given that baseball at Coors Field is to regular Major League Baseball what Putt-Putt is to the Masters. If we can get the ball to double bank off the sideboards, go through the windmill, and into the clown's mouth, we might win as many as two games, after which our bullpen will need an oxygen tent.

Like I said. Oh, the pain.

LAMB BASED

Do I have to do this?

The Phils lost again, 2-1 to Roy Oswalt and the Astros. Mike Lamb hit a solo homer in the bottom of the ninth on the second pitch delivered by Ryan Madson, who followed Oogie Urbina in relief of a strong Jon Lieber. The indestructible Roger Clemens throws tonight, meaning a sweep is virtually inevitable before we head to Denver for some four hour slow-pitch softball games with the Rockies. Between the losing and Ed Wade's nearly certain failure to make a deadline deal, I don't think this blog can survive this road trip. I think 0-7 (0-8 if you add Wade getting shutout again) is not only possible, but likely. If that happens, well, see you next season because this one will be over. Actually, I think the Phils will take a couple of 12-10 type games at Coors, and Wade will move Billy Wagner for a mid-level starter and a minor leaguer. It'll be just enough to stay nominally in the race and to keep torturing us, but not enough to ultimately catch the Astros, Nats, and Braves.

Hey, the Patriots start camp on Friday!

COREY MAIM

Nice job, Corey. The Phils were pummeled last night by the Astros 7-1 at Minute Maid Park. Craig Biggio and Lance Berkman each hit a pair of homers off Lidle, and Jason Lane added the final blow in the fifth. J-Roll homered for the Phillies' only run. Andy Pettitte was masterful through seven innings, winning his eighth game and dropping his ERA to 2.73. Only six more games to go on Lemony Snicket's Rotten Road Trip.

The only good news was that the Mets lost, and the other three NL East teams were off. Mr. Ed has only five days left to figure out what to say to the media after he fails to get us a starting pitcher. I don't think that "You have no idea how many GM's have Caller ID these days" is going to go over well. We may be buyers, but we're out shopping with a $1.29 in loose change and an expired credit card. I have a sinking feeling that Wade's big trade will be Matt Kata for LaTroy Hawkins and a case of Barry Bonds bobblehead dolls that he'll try to sell on eBay. Good luck in the playoffs, Braves.

BUDDY CAN YOU SPARE A BEER?

What a weekend! And the Phillies swept, too!

First, the Phils. The Dodger series ended with the Phils losing the second 1-0 game in Citizen's Bank Park history. Odalis Perez and three relievers combined on a four hitter, and Jimmy Rollins was apparently too concerned with thinking of something on which to spend his $40 million to be bothered to hit a groundball with a runner on third and one out. He saved the grounder for later when there were runners on first and second and one out for an inning ending DP.

The free-falling Padres came to town on Friday, and fortunately, the Phillies did nothing to impede their downward progress. In what looks to have been a terrific game, Chase Utley ended it in the 11th with a two-out, two-run homer for the 8-6 final. Saturday's game saw Robinson Tejeda turn in another sparkling outing as the Phils won 2-0. Utley struck again with a solo homer off Padres starter Pedro Astacio and scored the other run on a Ryan Howard sac fly. On Sunday, Brett Myers worked six strong innings and Howard hit a pair of doubles to lead the Phils to an easy 5-1 victory. The Nats continued their much anticipated collapse and the Braves split four games since last Thursday, which puts the Phillies three games back of both teams for the division lead and wild card. The bad news is, the Road Trip From Hell starts tonight in Houston against Andy Pettitte and the suddenly unhittable Astros, followed by the bullpen horror show that is Coors Field.

(The rest of this post is being written as a record of the Buddy 20-year reunion. If you have no interest in our stupidity, and why would you, please move along.)

The Buddy Reunion was a smashing success, aside from the four to six Buddies who failed to show up or decided to spend more time on such empty pursuits as oh, coaching their kid's Little League team or visiting their parents. I arrived at Buddy Joe's home on Friday as two of the Buddies, Dave and Steve, were hooking up one of two kegs of Guinness products. Dave works for Guinness and supplied all of the alcohol gratis. I'm assuming he is writing off the trip as a business expense (don't tell the IRS). Aside from the two kegs, there were multiple cases of Smirnoff Ice, Red Stripe, Guinness Draught, Smithwick, and numerous other Guinness brands I can't recall. Suffice it to say, no liver was left unscathed.

The Buddy Meet and Greet was followed by Buddy Jeopardy. Dave pulled out two poster boards covered with Post-It notes which contained the answers. The categories included: Herkimer Retards, Herkimer Landmarks, Buddy Nicknames, Herkimer Legends, More Herkimer Retards, and Buddy Crushes. The Final Jeopardy question was "The total number of times the people in this room have been arrested and charged with at least a misdemeanor offense." The correct question, after much obfuscation, denial, and outright lying, was, "What is nine?" Steve, also known as "Satan", led the way with four. Frightening. We all stayed up until 4 AM after about five hours of Buddy reverie so vulgar and disgusting that Comcast would surely shutter this web site if it were fully explicated, at which point our host Joe announced he was going to bed, prompting loud shouts of "Faggot!".

After a few hours of sleep, we all reconvened at 9 AM for the Buddy nine-hole golf outing. I shot a respectable 44, but Dave, who plays regularly with his distributor customers, took the day with a 42. Steve, meanwhile, arrived late on the second hole, driving a cart that some misguided person in the clubhouse had rented him. His approach to scoring, and to playing the game in general, was novel to say the least. At one point, Steve hit a low slice into a tree and was taunted by a pudgy 7 or 8 year old playing behind us, causing him to remark loudly "Hey, I was just made fun of by a fat kid!"

After golf, it was time for the epic Driveway Whiffle Ball doubleheader. The games were played "marks" style. A grounder that could not be fielded before crossing the road was a single; a liner that cleared the driveway and hit the road in the air was a double; any ball that hit a parked car across the street in the air was a triple; and any ball that cleared the road in the air and landed in the grass on the other side was a homer. Buddy Chris, Buddy Bob, and I took on Buddy Dave, the other Buddy Dave, and Buddy Steve. Dave pulled out a mini-breathalyzer that Guinness had given him, providing us with the only significant stats that were recorded in the games. Steve, to no one's surprise, once again led the way in that department, topping out with a BAC of 0.26. He also led all players in exposing himself to us, the neighbors and passing cars, three times to none. Buddy Rob, who arrived after the first game and played in the second game on my team, broke all rules of protocol and brought his wife. By the end of the second game, he had a BAC of 0.19 and she was a 0.14. The two teams eventually split. I was the nominal MVP of game one, but during the between games pool break I went back to my hotel to get my swim trunks and changed from my sneakers into my man sandals. Big mistake. I was about 2-for-20 in the second game and made the last out in extra innings.

We played another half-hearted game of only six innings as it was getting dark, but since no one could really see the whiffle ball, or were seeing multiple whiffle balls, we decided to just sit in the garage and drink. The topic of the conversation turned to a discussion that Chris and his family were having a few weeks ago about me and my academic record. Chris recounted that his mother, our third grade teacher in Catholic school and the sweetest woman who has ever lived, called me "exceptional". At this point, Chris (BAC 0.21) called his mother on his cell phone. She picked up the phone, and Chris hollered, "Hey, Footsie!". Yes, he calls his sweet old mother "Footsie". This is a reference to a C-grade exploitation/horror/porn movie called "Blood Sucking Freaks" that Chris and Dave used to watch repeatedly while in college together. One of the characters in the film, named Ralphus, liked to use women as footstools. Since Chris' father was named Ralph, naturally his mother is now referred to as "Footsie". After several minutes of protestation that he wasn't drunk, Chris harangued his mother to repeat what she had said about me on the speakerphone so that I could hear it. Later he called her again to ask her who was smarter, me or Maureen "McBrain". Maureen had enrolled in our Catholic school during the second half of 8th grade and completely blew my relatively feeble academic achievements out of the water. She's now a Harvard fellow and writes occasional book reviews for the New York Times. Chris' mother refused to answer, having never taught her, but you only had to notice which one of the two was not sitting in a garage in Herkimer at that moment to know the correct response.

After that, we went in and ordered pizza and wings and put on the late Yankee game in Anaheim. Steve and Dave passed out and the floor, and Chris dumped half a glass of Guinness on the carpet right after Vladimir Guerrero blasted a three-run dinger off Kevin Brown. I went back to my hotel at midnight, and four of us met on Sunday morning for breakfast at Chet's Lunch, legendary home of "Two On A Roll", whatever that is. We said our goodbyes and headed our respective ways. I hope it isn't 20 years before we meet again, and I think we all really hope that Dave keeps his job.