As we head in to 2016 with Cuba being libre (in baseball terms) for the
first time since Minnie Minoso was in his 30s, let's WordPad some predictions
to, you know, completely ruin everything.
NL EAST
The Mets came within three blown saves of winning it all last year,
and have signed their favorite Cuban for another go round. Yo Cespedes is
already leading the league in big sports cars used in Training in the Spring
(BISCUITS, to sabermetricians). Meanwhile, Bartolo Colon has eaten all other
biscuits in the state of Florida. Bryce Harper and the to-date World
Series-less Nats have about as much hope in Washington as Merrick
Garland. The Marlins guy might actually show up to Marlins games if
Giancarlo Stanton and Jose Fernandez stay healthy. It's the final season in
downtown Atlanta for the Braves, and they intend to make the least of
it. Despite the recent success of the film "Creed", the Phillies
will be low on the baseball Rotten Tomatoes index once again this year.
NL CENTRAL
Ah, the Cubs. Theo Epstein has them stacked, packed and jacked for a
pennant run. Of course, Global Warming is now here and they still have to play
a bunch of four-hour summer day games. I'm sure they'll be in fine form come
October! Their rivals the Cards will be playing the part of the 2004
Yankees, in Cubs' fans minds, anyway. I wouldn't count them out. The Pirates
really should be winning something, but they have two very rich and disciplined
franchises ahead of them. One of those is not the Brewers. Nor is it the
Reds.
NL WEST
The year divides by two, so the Giants will triumph. That sounds
like it was written in one of George R.R. Martin's lesser texts at some point,
so it must be true. Mad Bum, Cueto The Wild, and Pence The Hunter will rain
vengeance! The Dodgers have basically doubled the Cuban economy with
their island signings, but those won't reap anything for a while, and they lost
Zack Greinke. The D'Backs signed Greinke and look like they've fully
recovered from their Kirk Gibson-induced grit overdose and are making some
strides. The Padres continue their quest to own the transaction wire to
not much effect. "Not mowing the outfield, yeah, that's the answer!"
say the Rockies.
Division Champs: Mets, Cubs, Giants
Wild Cards: Cards, Pirates
Cards over Pirates
Cubs over Cards
Mets over Giants
Mets over Cubs
AL EAST
The Blue Jays will be erecting a monument to Jose Bautista's epic
bat flip, if they can figure out how to re-create it using steel and robotics
without getting fans injured. I mean, it was pretty epic. Manny Machado just
threw out a guy at first from the Denny's down the street, which will still not
help the Orioles. The Rays played a Spring Training game in Cuba
and will have to wait until June to surpass the attendance for that game at the
Trop. It's Big Papi's last year in Fenway, and to commemorate it, the Red
Sox have agreed to let him swear into an open mic at every visiting team.
A-Rod will suit it up again for the Yankees. Also, fans can't use
self-printed-out tickets, so in at least two ways it will be just like 2004!
AL CENTRAL
As a Mets fan, I am now a firm believer in whatever the hell it is the Royals
are doing, PECOTA be damned. The Indians have Francisco Lindor for a
full seaon to go with Corey Kluber, Cody Anderson, and Cody Allen (the Three
Amig-Co's - except you've never heard of any of them, so maybe not) and could
make a wild card chase. Likewise for the Twins, who signed Korean
slugger Byung-Ho Park, the most prominent Asian to appear in Minnesota since
Mike Yamagita in the movie version of "Fargo". Things aren't looking
good for the Tigers. GM Dave Dombrowski was fired last summer after he
realized his team was about as leaden as Flint's water supply. The White Sox
committed a PR disaster by banning Adam LaRoche's son Drake from the clubhouse.
Their attempts to clear things up by saying they were trying to ban the singer
Drake, male ducks, and/or Drake's Cakes probably won't work.
AL WEST
Hack the Astros! It seems to make them play better. Oh, and so does
Carlos Correa. The Rangers are so good, apparently, that Joey Gallo, who
can hit the ball to Oklahoma, will start in the minors. Jerry DiPoto is in at
GM for the Mariners, replacing a guy whose name defies all attempts at
spelling (and therefore I won't try). The beat writers are happy anyway. It
looks like another year, another fruitless attempt to surround Mike Trout with
a decent team for the Angels. The Athletics GM Billy Beane
probably got invited to Michael Lewis' Oscar party for "The Big
Short", so he has that going for him. I would short his team if it were a
stock.
Divison Champs: Blue Jays, Royals, Astros
Wild Cards: Rangers, Indians
Rangers beat Indians
Royals beat Rangers
Astros beat Blue Jays
Astros beat Royals
World Series: The Mets will repeat their 1986 National League pennant
victory by taking the Astros in six games. In the Manhattan Canyon of Heroes
victory parade, Yo Cespedes will drive a Lamborghini, a Bugatti, a McLaren
Spider, a Ferrari, and American Pharoah ALL AT THE SAME TIME, somehow.