ASK MONICA
Bill Clinton is being tapped by the U.N. to head up the tsunami relief effort.
Great choice. He's got a lot of experience dealing with wave after wave of!...oh, wait, wrong waves.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
HYPE PRESSURE AREA
Many people say there's too much Super Bowl hype. TCP says, "There's too many people who say there's too much Super Bowl hype!" Before we descend into a self-inflicted death spiral, we thought it would be helpful to provide a guide to Super Bowl week so that you don't actually have to watch it (or comment on it) yourself.
MONDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is T.O. going to play?"; "Can T.O. be ready by Sunday?"; "If T.O.'s fibula were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Are the Patriots a dynasty"; "When will you decide you're a dynasty?"; "If you win, is Bill Belichick going to change his name to Blake Carrington?"
TUESDAY:
Eagles Media Day. Questions will include, "What exactly is in a cheesesteak?"; "Who cracked the Liberty Bell?"; "It was T.O., wasn't it?"
Patriots Media Day. Questions will include, "Why do they call it Beantown?"; "Is it Foxboro or Foxborough? Or maybe Phahcksbireau?" "How about them Red Sox?"
WEDNESDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How's T.O. doing?"; "Is T.O. any closer?"; "What would T.O. want God to say when he arrived at the pearly gates?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "How great a coach are you, Coach Belichick?"; "Are you guys the greatest team ever in the history of the universe, including the Roman Legion?"; "Coach Belichick, could you do my son's Advanced String Theory homework?"
THURSDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How about it?"; "Any chance?"; "How about if I ask that T.O. question in one syllable?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is there any way on God's green earth that an unstoppable juggernaut with the smartest coach in the history of sentient beings can lose?"; "If you guys lose, would a black hole come up from under the field and swallow the whole city of Jacksonville."; "Would that be an improvement?"
FRIDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Well? (see I told you I could do it!)"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Coach, do you think your team could defeat an army of Romulans, Aliens, Predators, Mongols, Huns, Nazis, Al Qaeda, the Manson Family, the SLA, Ted Bundy and Scott Peterson, with their hands tied behind their backs, blindfolded, and their feet tied together simply by using their minds?"
SATURDAY:
Official Hype-Free Day, brought to you by Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Burger King, Coors Light, Bud Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Tostitos, Cialis, Monster.com, Quiznos, Subway, Siemens, BASF, Charles Schwab, TD Waterhouse, Chunky Soup, Lexus, Toyota, GMC Trucks, EBay, Wal-Mart, ExxonMobil, Archer Daniels Midland, Halliburton, and Lockheed Martin.
SUNDAY:
FOX Pre-Game Show, starting at 12:00.01 AM.
12:00.01 to 2 AM - Terry Bradshaw acts all crazy and shit
2 AM to 4 AM - Howie Long calls Bradshaw crazy and challenges him to a rasslin' match
4 AM to 6 AM - Jimmy Johnson gets his hair shellacked
6 AM to 8 AM - Joe Buck reacts to Randy Moss' bootleg sex video
8 AM to 10 AM - Pam Oliver interviews Terrell Owens and finally gets the spanking she deserves.
10 AM to Noon - J.B. does nothing, but with class and quiet dignity.
Noon to 2 PM - Cris Collinsworth tries to stir up controversy until everyone realizes he sucked with the Bengals
2 PM to 4 PM - Troy Aikman makes broad, obvious statements that even a 70's Brian Wilson would consider sane and rational
4 PM to 5 PM - Johnson's hair gets a second coat prior to gametime
5 PM to 5:01 PM - Actual game analysis. Everyone agrees that the Pats should win, but that the Eagles could win if they "force at least eleven turnovers and Charlie Weis calls the offensive plays using the Jumbotron"
5:01 PM to 6:30 PM - Ogling Jillian Barberie (well, we can hope, anyway)
6:30 PM - Kickoff! Brought to you by The Simple Life: Interns
Halftime - FOX Super Bowl Halftime Special, starring Laura Bush, Mary Lou Retton, Celine Dion, and the FCC Approved Dancers
Enjoy the week everybody! And bet with your head, not over it. (Note: Super Bowl wagering is illegal in 49 states and the District of Columbia. *snort!* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously, take the under, unless T.O. looks healthy.)
Many people say there's too much Super Bowl hype. TCP says, "There's too many people who say there's too much Super Bowl hype!" Before we descend into a self-inflicted death spiral, we thought it would be helpful to provide a guide to Super Bowl week so that you don't actually have to watch it (or comment on it) yourself.
MONDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is T.O. going to play?"; "Can T.O. be ready by Sunday?"; "If T.O.'s fibula were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Are the Patriots a dynasty"; "When will you decide you're a dynasty?"; "If you win, is Bill Belichick going to change his name to Blake Carrington?"
TUESDAY:
Eagles Media Day. Questions will include, "What exactly is in a cheesesteak?"; "Who cracked the Liberty Bell?"; "It was T.O., wasn't it?"
Patriots Media Day. Questions will include, "Why do they call it Beantown?"; "Is it Foxboro or Foxborough? Or maybe Phahcksbireau?" "How about them Red Sox?"
WEDNESDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How's T.O. doing?"; "Is T.O. any closer?"; "What would T.O. want God to say when he arrived at the pearly gates?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "How great a coach are you, Coach Belichick?"; "Are you guys the greatest team ever in the history of the universe, including the Roman Legion?"; "Coach Belichick, could you do my son's Advanced String Theory homework?"
THURSDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How about it?"; "Any chance?"; "How about if I ask that T.O. question in one syllable?"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is there any way on God's green earth that an unstoppable juggernaut with the smartest coach in the history of sentient beings can lose?"; "If you guys lose, would a black hole come up from under the field and swallow the whole city of Jacksonville."; "Would that be an improvement?"
FRIDAY:
Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Well? (see I told you I could do it!)"
Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Coach, do you think your team could defeat an army of Romulans, Aliens, Predators, Mongols, Huns, Nazis, Al Qaeda, the Manson Family, the SLA, Ted Bundy and Scott Peterson, with their hands tied behind their backs, blindfolded, and their feet tied together simply by using their minds?"
SATURDAY:
Official Hype-Free Day, brought to you by Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Burger King, Coors Light, Bud Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Tostitos, Cialis, Monster.com, Quiznos, Subway, Siemens, BASF, Charles Schwab, TD Waterhouse, Chunky Soup, Lexus, Toyota, GMC Trucks, EBay, Wal-Mart, ExxonMobil, Archer Daniels Midland, Halliburton, and Lockheed Martin.
SUNDAY:
FOX Pre-Game Show, starting at 12:00.01 AM.
12:00.01 to 2 AM - Terry Bradshaw acts all crazy and shit
2 AM to 4 AM - Howie Long calls Bradshaw crazy and challenges him to a rasslin' match
4 AM to 6 AM - Jimmy Johnson gets his hair shellacked
6 AM to 8 AM - Joe Buck reacts to Randy Moss' bootleg sex video
8 AM to 10 AM - Pam Oliver interviews Terrell Owens and finally gets the spanking she deserves.
10 AM to Noon - J.B. does nothing, but with class and quiet dignity.
Noon to 2 PM - Cris Collinsworth tries to stir up controversy until everyone realizes he sucked with the Bengals
2 PM to 4 PM - Troy Aikman makes broad, obvious statements that even a 70's Brian Wilson would consider sane and rational
4 PM to 5 PM - Johnson's hair gets a second coat prior to gametime
5 PM to 5:01 PM - Actual game analysis. Everyone agrees that the Pats should win, but that the Eagles could win if they "force at least eleven turnovers and Charlie Weis calls the offensive plays using the Jumbotron"
5:01 PM to 6:30 PM - Ogling Jillian Barberie (well, we can hope, anyway)
6:30 PM - Kickoff! Brought to you by The Simple Life: Interns
Halftime - FOX Super Bowl Halftime Special, starring Laura Bush, Mary Lou Retton, Celine Dion, and the FCC Approved Dancers
Enjoy the week everybody! And bet with your head, not over it. (Note: Super Bowl wagering is illegal in 49 states and the District of Columbia. *snort!* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously, take the under, unless T.O. looks healthy.)
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