TIME/LIFE

I was driving from the San Francisco airport to my hotel room in the East Bay hills, listening to KFOX on the radio, when I heard "Time", the amazing song by Pink Floyd from "Dark Side Of The Moon". What a song. The ominous rising cacophony of clocks at the beginning; the languid, melancholy lyrics, telling an unsentimental tale of wasted youth and "quiet desperation"; the haunting, bluesy, background vocals; David Gilmour's soaring guitar riffs. Just fantastic.

Then, next, as if to cleanse the palate and then shove 50 pounds of garbage down one's throat, KFOX played Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life", written by front man Stephan Jenkins. I will henceforth explain why this turd of a tune is the antithesis of "Time". And quite possibly an early signal to the decline and end of time itself.

I'm packed and I'm holding 

I'm smiling, she's living 

She's golden, she lives for me 

She says she lives for me ovation, she got her own motivation 

I guess this means that he is carrying some drugs, and he has a blonde girlfriend who at least pays lip service to being in love with him. And off we go! 

She comes 'round and she goes down on me 
And I make her smile 
It's like a drug for you 
Do ever what you want to do 
Coming over you 

Ah, the poetry! Never has a blowjob with a facial sounded so gosh darn peppy. Come on, Irving Berlin, where was this kind of stuff back in the day?

Keep on smiling, what we go through 
One stop to the rhythm that divides you 
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse 
Chop another line like a coda with a curse 
Come on like a freak show takes the stage 
We give them the games we play 

Ok, now here we have some musical terms that make no sense, just to make sure that we understand that these folks are musicians, another drug reference, in case we were confused, and the singer would like to emphasize that he has ejaculated very heavily on his girlfriend.

She said 

"I want something else 

To get me through this 

Semi-charmed kind of life 

Baby, baby 

I want something else 

I'm not listening when you say 

Goodbye..." 

Doot (x24) 

Now the chorus, not speaking to me like a verse or a coda or anything else. Here, the singer is making clear that his girlfriend needs drugs to get through her middle-class existence, and probably only allows herself to be debased because the singer gives her free drugs. Also, when in doubt, just sing "Doot" 24 times.

The sky was gold, it was rose 
I was taking sips of it through my nose 
And I wish I could get back there 
Some place back there 
Smiling in the pictures you would take 
Doing crystal meth 
Will lift you up until you break 

The singer would like to make it known that crystal meth is his drug of choice, and that he likes to snort it. Refreshing honesty, I suppose, or civilization-crushing candor. You decide.

It won't stop, I won't come down 
I keep stock 
With a tick tock rhythm 
A bump for the drop 
And then I bumped up 
I took the hit that I was given 
Then I bumped again 
Then I bumped again, she said 

He did so many lines of meth, he had to rely on his girlfriend to explain to him exactly how many lines of meth he did. And civilization is on the ropes!

How do I get back there to 

The place where I fell asleep inside you 

How do I get myself back to 

The place where you said 

(Chorus)

Meth made this guy so dynamic in the sack that he literally fell asleep while schtupping his girlfriend. Why would one want to brag about something like that? It's pretty depressing for both parties, if you ask me. No one asked me, of course, but here we are.

I believe in the sand beneath my toes 
The beach gives a feeling 
An earthy feeling 
I believe in the faith that grows 
And the four right chords could make me cry 
When I'm with you I feel like I could die 
And that would be all right 

Now we move on to a paean to the beach, completely out of nowhere. Another musical reference is thrown in, because four chords makes it seem like he knows what he's talking about. Much of rock and roll consists of progressions of three chords, and it's actually pretty good, as opposed to this monstrosity. Does this guy even know four chords? Doubtful.

All right 
And when the plane came in 
She said she was crashing 
The velvet it rips 
In the city we're tripped 
On the urge to feel alive 
But now I'm struggling to survive 
Those days you were wearing 
That velvet dress 
You're the priestess, I must confess 
Those little red panties 
They pass the test 
Slides up around the belly 
Face down on the mattress 

This is the rap section, which is often omitted on the radio, but which KFOX dutifully left in to try our patience. Another couple of drug references, and then an ode to some red panties, and some more debasement, possibly of the anal variety.

There's more, but I think we get the idea.

Let's review: Stephan Jenkins is a musician who has a girlfriend, who submits to demeaning sex acts, through which he can't even stay awake, in exchange for meth, and he likes the beach.

This dude dated Charlize Theron for THREE YEARS!

I hope you are right, Mayans.