TIME/LIFE

I was driving from the San Francisco airport to my hotel room in the East Bay hills, listening to KFOX on the radio, when I heard "Time", the amazing song by Pink Floyd from "Dark Side Of The Moon". What a song. The ominous rising cacophony of clocks at the beginning; the languid, melancholy lyrics, telling an unsentimental tale of wasted youth and "quiet desperation"; the haunting, bluesy, background vocals; David Gilmour's soaring guitar riffs. Just fantastic.

Then, next, as if to cleanse the palate and then shove 50 pounds of garbage down one's throat, KFOX played Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life", written by front man Stephan Jenkins. I will henceforth explain why this turd of a tune is the antithesis of "Time". And quite possibly an early signal to the decline and end of time itself.

I'm packed and I'm holding 

I'm smiling, she's living 

She's golden, she lives for me 

She says she lives for me ovation, she got her own motivation 

I guess this means that he is carrying some drugs, and he has a blonde girlfriend who at least pays lip service to being in love with him. And off we go! 

She comes 'round and she goes down on me 
And I make her smile 
It's like a drug for you 
Do ever what you want to do 
Coming over you 

Ah, the poetry! Never has a blowjob with a facial sounded so gosh darn peppy. Come on, Irving Berlin, where was this kind of stuff back in the day?

Keep on smiling, what we go through 
One stop to the rhythm that divides you 
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse 
Chop another line like a coda with a curse 
Come on like a freak show takes the stage 
We give them the games we play 

Ok, now here we have some musical terms that make no sense, just to make sure that we understand that these folks are musicians, another drug reference, in case we were confused, and the singer would like to emphasize that he has ejaculated very heavily on his girlfriend.

She said 

"I want something else 

To get me through this 

Semi-charmed kind of life 

Baby, baby 

I want something else 

I'm not listening when you say 

Goodbye..." 

Doot (x24) 

Now the chorus, not speaking to me like a verse or a coda or anything else. Here, the singer is making clear that his girlfriend needs drugs to get through her middle-class existence, and probably only allows herself to be debased because the singer gives her free drugs. Also, when in doubt, just sing "Doot" 24 times.

The sky was gold, it was rose 
I was taking sips of it through my nose 
And I wish I could get back there 
Some place back there 
Smiling in the pictures you would take 
Doing crystal meth 
Will lift you up until you break 

The singer would like to make it known that crystal meth is his drug of choice, and that he likes to snort it. Refreshing honesty, I suppose, or civilization-crushing candor. You decide.

It won't stop, I won't come down 
I keep stock 
With a tick tock rhythm 
A bump for the drop 
And then I bumped up 
I took the hit that I was given 
Then I bumped again 
Then I bumped again, she said 

He did so many lines of meth, he had to rely on his girlfriend to explain to him exactly how many lines of meth he did. And civilization is on the ropes!

How do I get back there to 

The place where I fell asleep inside you 

How do I get myself back to 

The place where you said 

(Chorus)

Meth made this guy so dynamic in the sack that he literally fell asleep while schtupping his girlfriend. Why would one want to brag about something like that? It's pretty depressing for both parties, if you ask me. No one asked me, of course, but here we are.

I believe in the sand beneath my toes 
The beach gives a feeling 
An earthy feeling 
I believe in the faith that grows 
And the four right chords could make me cry 
When I'm with you I feel like I could die 
And that would be all right 

Now we move on to a paean to the beach, completely out of nowhere. Another musical reference is thrown in, because four chords makes it seem like he knows what he's talking about. Much of rock and roll consists of progressions of three chords, and it's actually pretty good, as opposed to this monstrosity. Does this guy even know four chords? Doubtful.

All right 
And when the plane came in 
She said she was crashing 
The velvet it rips 
In the city we're tripped 
On the urge to feel alive 
But now I'm struggling to survive 
Those days you were wearing 
That velvet dress 
You're the priestess, I must confess 
Those little red panties 
They pass the test 
Slides up around the belly 
Face down on the mattress 

This is the rap section, which is often omitted on the radio, but which KFOX dutifully left in to try our patience. Another couple of drug references, and then an ode to some red panties, and some more debasement, possibly of the anal variety.

There's more, but I think we get the idea.

Let's review: Stephan Jenkins is a musician who has a girlfriend, who submits to demeaning sex acts, through which he can't even stay awake, in exchange for meth, and he likes the beach.

This dude dated Charlize Theron for THREE YEARS!

I hope you are right, Mayans.

WATCH OUT, NATE SILVER!

Part 1 of my prediction has come true. Stay tuned for the rest!

TCP'S ALASKA: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

Well, my time in the great (great - unusually large in size or dimension) state of Alaska has nearly come to an end. I've sold my vehicle and most of my furniture, and I have a plane ticket bound for home. This lovely (sarcasm - harsh or bitter derision...oh never mind) place has seen fit to bestow on me a raging cold on my way out. I will do my best not to sneeze directly on other Alaskans as I leave, but if they breathe in my germs, that's their own fault.

What have I learned on my sojourn to the 49th state? Oh, so much.

1. Never put a garage door opener on your keychain. If you do, $600 will fly out of your bank account.

2. Never ask S****** B******* S***** to fix said garage door. They will very aggressively not do that.

3. If you need to do something, do it yourself. Even if that means having to learn our horrible system for ordering stuff. That would have saved a bunch of migraines and misery.

4. Bears will mostly run away, but moose will happily run at you and kick or bite you. Luckily, I only learned this in the paper.

5. Pickle Hill is where they put the tower for the local public radio station. I wish I could have hung out with those folks more. They seemed nice.

6. Baseball in Alaska - as cold as you imagined it would be.

7. Softball in Anchorage - Just Say No. Or you will be saying, "Can you call me an ambulance?"

8. Turnarounds are hell. Again. And they don't get any less hellish as you get older.

9. It's better to join the nice gym close to your house that is closed on Saturdays than the rat trap gym far from your house that is open every day, because, duh, you will probably not go to either gym as much as you hoped, and you will never get that smell out of your head.

10. Drive-up espresso is the libation of the gods. I will miss it dearly.

ETRE EN MANQUE, HOMMES

Today (along with this coming Wednesday) is one of the two days of the year when there are no scheduled MLB, NFL, NBA, or NHL games on the calendar. Because Wimbledon added a roof to Centre Court, there was no rain at the PGA or LPGA golf tournaments, and MLS doesn't play on Mondays, even the minor sports are off today.


I'm itching, man, it's like spiders are crawling all over me, man. I gotta have a hit, man. I'll take anything, man, Tour De France? Fuck yeah, give me that fucking Tour De France, mainline that shit, man, stab me in the heart with that Tour De France shit, man, I GOTTA HAVE IT!!!!


Oh, this shit is horrible, man. It's just a bunch of skinny guys on bikes and French people clanging cowbells. What the fuck is a peloton, man? Get me some good shit, man, I NEED IT, I NEED IT NOW!!!!

I'D WATCH IT

In light of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", TCP has commissioned a script even more fantastical and improbable. The first page or so is below:

GEORGE W. BUSH:

CORRUPT BANKER HUNTER

A film by

Alan Smithee

FADE IN

INT: OVAL OFFICE, NIGHT

GEORGE W. BUSH

Well, my work for the day is done. Signed the Affordable I Don't Care About Women's Health Act. Supported the troops by sendin' another 10,000 of 'em to Iraq. Asked some guy about where Osama might be hidin'. It's been a full day.

JOSH BOLTEN

Yes, sir, it certainly has been.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Well, Boltman, I'm gonna turn in. See ya in the mornin'.

JOSH BOLTEN

Good night, sir.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Night.

GEORGE W. BUSH waits until JOSH BOLTEN leaves the Oval Office.

GEORGE W. BUSH (to himself)

Good, he's gone. Thought I'd never get rid of him. Now on to my night job...Corrupt Banker Hunter!

GEORGE W. BUSH puts on a flak vest, and grabs a hidden backpack, which he checks. We see his POV as he looks into the backpack. It has night vision goggles and weapons in it.

GEORGE W. BUSH (to himself)

All set. Let's..uh what was it that guy said? Roll. That's right.

EXT: WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN, NIGHT

GEORGE W. BUSH sneaks through the Rose Garden to a large rock. He hits a button on his wrist, and the rock opens to show a passage. He enters the passage and comes to a fire pole, which he slides down. He enters the Corrupt Banker Hunter Cave.

INT: CORRUPT BANKER HUNTER CAVE

We see a huge underground lair, with computer screens everywhere. Sitting in front of the central computer screen is DICK CHENEY

DICK CHENEY

Where ya been? We got Blankfein, Dimon, and Fuld going Code Red!

GEORGE W. BUSH

Got here as fast as I could, Chainster. Now, let's hunt some corrupt bankers!

And it goes on like that, never getting any more plausible.

A NEW HOPE: PART X

Full Name: Gavin Glenn Christopher Joseph “What Am I, Fucking Royalty?” Cecchini

Position: Shortstop

Born: December 22, 1993

Height: 6’2”

Weight: 180 lbs.

How acquired: 2012 June Amateur Draft, First Round, #12

Uniform number: N/A

MLB experience: None

Best season: N/A

Injury history: None.

2012 salary: $2.3 million signing bonus

Actual scouting notes: Prince Gavin is a high-schooler from Lake Charles, LA. He has a lot of tools, which based on the selection of Brandon Nimmo last year, is going to be a common theme with Mets first rounders under Alderson and company. For what they are worth (nothing), his numbers at Barbe High School included a .467 BA and a .527 OBP, with 7 homers and 31 stolen bases. Scouts like his bat, baseball IQ, and speed most, and are not that high on his glove.

Weird, wild stuff: His brother, Garin “My Brother Has All My Middle Names” Cecchini, is in the Red Sox organization. His dad coaches his high school team, and his mother is his batting practice pitcher. That has to be interesting. “Gavin, did you clean your room?” “Nope.” ZING! (high hard one at the batting helmet). Gavin signed with the Mets for $2.3 million. He and Garin can now afford one hell of an Xbox setup during spring training. No telling where he will end up in 2012, but he will likely open 2013 in Port St. Lucie. I can’t imagine he’ll sniff Citi Field for at least three years if not four. Best-case scenario looks like J.J. Hardy, who hits between 20 and 30 homers a year when healthy and plays a decent shortstop. Worst case is a guy like Omar Quintanilla, who hits well in the minors but can’t hold a major league job.

YOUR FRESHNESS MAY VARY

Is it just me, or is it ironic that a radio show that regularly features old interviews of people who are recently deceased is called "Fresh Air"?

To quote Ethel the maid from Downton Abbey, "'I'm just saying."

DAS BUTT

I am in the Anchorage airport, and I came across a woman with an ass that lesser men have killed for. I mean, this woman had a derrière engineered by German scientists. If this keister had fallen into the wrong hands during the war, it could have changed the course of history. She wasn't that pretty, with a hairstyle that Kate Gosselin would have deemed bizarre, but man, what a spectacular tucus. She was wearing spandex leggings that released the gluteus for maximus impact. Jennifer Lopez would have performed a one-person standing ovation had she seen this set of cheeks. It was that amazing.


By the way, this trend of women wearing spandex leggings that leave nothing to the imagination? I approve.

A NEW HOPE: PART IX

Full Name: Jeremy Scott (“No Relation”) Hefner

Position: Pitcher

Born: March 11, 1986

Height: 6’4”

Weight: 215 lbs.

How acquired: Signed off waivers from the Pittsburgh Pirates

Uniform number: 53

MLB experience: None

Best season: 2010 for San Antonio in the Texas League. He started 28 games, and went 11-8 with a 2.95 ERA and a 1.235 WHIP. I probably saw him pitch, but it didn’t register.

Injury history: None.

2012 salary: Major League minimum, pro-rated.

Actual scouting notes: Hef doesn’t throw hard, or have any devastating breaking balls (this is like shooting fish in a barrel). He gets by on command to the extent that he does get by. He’s 26 and is just now appearing in his first major league games, which makes him a bit of a late bloomer, if he does in fact bloom. His first eight innings for the Mets have been pretty good, which means almost nothing. He’s been thrust into the rotation now with all the injuries and ineffectiveness of the Mets starters. As reliable as a piston engine, he's never had even the most minor injury that I could identify.

Weird, wild stuff: Jeremy went to Oral Roberts University, meaning he has only about 1/3 in common with Hugh. The other 2/3, not so much. While he was in the bullpen, I was wondering if the Mets would rechristen it “The Grotto”. The Mets as an organization must really like this guy. They drafted him twice, and then snapped him up when the Bucs waived him. Maybe the Wilpons mistakenly think he will help them meet Holly or Kendra.

A NEW HOPE: PART VIII

Full Name: Brandon T. Nimmo (the T stands for Tiberius, maybe?)

Position: Outfielder

Born: March 27, 1993

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 185 lbs.

How acquired: Drafted in the first round of the June 2011 MLB Draft (13th overall).

Uniform number: N/A

MLB experience: None.

Best season: Was a rookie in the Gulf Coast League and at Kingsport in 2011.

Injury history: Right ACL surgery in 2009.

2012 salary: Minor league salary. Signed a $2.1 million bonus in 2011.

Actual scouting notes: Nimmo is a big kid with speed, power, and plenty of tools. He grew up in Cheyenne, Wyoming, which is not known for the quality of its scholastic baseball competition. Any stats he racked up there are probably irrelevant. He didn't show anything special at the Gulf Coast League in terms of slash lines, but he only had 32 plate appearances. Best-case scenario is a Jason Bay type (pre-concussion version), who can play a corner outfield spot and hit homers. It's an odd pick for Sandy/DePo/Ricciardi. He almost could be the second coming of Billy Beane, and we know how that worked out the first time. I guess they saw something to warrant a first round pick on the guy, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. This first full short-season in Kingsport will tell us a lot.

Weird, wild stuff: Wyoming has not yielded a first-round pick since Dick Cheney, who picked himself. In baseball, they've never had one before. Nimmo played only Legion ball in high school because his high school did not field a team. He did wrestle (no word if bears were involved) and run indoor track (ditto). 

2012 MLB PREDICTIONS: MORE WRONG THAN RYAN BRAUN'S CUSTODY TRANSFER

Hey, it’s April! Did you have Kentucky-Kansas in your ESPN pool? I did! I’m a 97.6 percenter, in a good way! Wow, you’re already bored.

It’s baseball time again, and for the umpteenth year in a row, I’ll be posting my preseason predictions. Nobody read the other umpteen-minus-one predictions, which means I have no accountability to anyone (unlike Josh Hamilton – see below), which is how I like it.

NL East

The Phillies still have Halladay, Lee, and Hamels and have added Jonathan Papelbon. Cheesesteaks and Yuengling beat chicken and whatever beer they were drinking at Fenway, Pap. The Marlins have a new stadium with an aquarium and a kinetic sculpture beyond the centerfield wall that will vibrate every time Jose Reyes tweaks his hamstring. The Nationals may be ready for the big time now that Steven Strasburg and Bryce Harper are in the lineup, if you consider playing in the summer humidity of the Anacostia swamp before hundreds of Capitol tourists the “big time”. The Braves epic collapse will continue unabated through 2012, mostly because they weren’t that great to begin with. Speaking of not great, the Mets may be able to compensate Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme victims by playing them in the outfield and first and third base if their typical injury profile happens again.

NL Central

This is the year the Reds win the division, right? Eh, why not. The Brewers’ Ryan Braun will change his name to Ryan Boo in mid May to make the treatment he will receive from road fans for being caught taking PED’s and then getting off on a technicality at least sound encouraging. The Cardinals underwent complete regime change and lost the best hitter of his generation after their unlikely World Series victory last year. That probably won’t help. The Cubs now have Theo Epstein running the show. He’ll be swearing like David Mamet by August if history is any guide. The Pirates are still far less successful than their Somali counterparts. The Astros will be cast off from the NL Central this year and head to the AL West next season with 5’5” second baseman Jose Altuve as their best player. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about the Astros.

NL West

The D’Backs managed to win the division last year despite fielding a roster where many of the players were in danger of being deported by local law enforcement. The Giants attempted to augment their superior pitching by renting what was left of Carlos Beltran’s knees. Amazingly, that didn’t work. The Rockies are so deadly dull that I can’t even think of anything (else) insulting to say about them. The Padres will try to ride the buzz from the new “Anchorman” movie to escape the cellar. Stay Fourth-Place-y, San Diego.  Helping them in that endeavor will be the dreadful Dodgers. Magic Johnson bought the team for $2 billion. He’ll be shocked when he finds out that their version of “Showtime” is when Juan Uribe legs out an infield hit and pukes behind first base.

Division winners: Phillies, Reds, D’Backs.

Wild cards: Marlins, Brewers

Marlins beat Brewers in 1-game playoff

Phillies beat D’Backs

Marlins beat Reds

Phillies beat Marlins

AL East

The Yankees won the East last year with Bartolo Colon, Freddy Garcia, and A.J. Burnett pitching significant innings. This year they will have none of those pitchers, and will still win the division. This is because they are evil. The plucky Rays improbably made the postseason last year when the Red Sox opened up a boozy KFC in their clubhouse. This year, they will make it because Joe Maddon is just so fucking cool. The Blue Jays prefer a little coq au vin and Labatt’s in their clubhouse, and will vault all the way to third place in the brutal AL East. The aforementioned Red Sox have completely lost the winning aura they cultivated in the 2000’s and have reverted to a team that a whole new generation of Massholes can love to hate. The Orioles actually fear losing fans to the Nationals. And they should.

AL Central

The Tigers continue to be the class of the Central, which is like being the class of the Kardashian family. After the Twins lost Joe Mauer last season, they collapsed quicker than the roof of their former home, the Metrodome. The Royals young hitters look good, but they traded for Jonathan Sanchez and immediately he became their ace. That should tell you a lot. The Indians will continue to disappoint Joe Posnanski, who will write a 10,000-word blog post about how Duane Kuiper is better than Asdrubal Cabrera based solely on “grit”. Robin Ventura takes over the White Sox, and he promises to keep all post-game press conference profanity in English this year.

AL West

The Rangers should cruise to another division title in 2012. Nolan Ryan hired a personal accountability partner for Josh Hamilton. Maybe that’s what Babe Ruth needed to keep from spreading venereal disease to half the East Coast. The Angels paid Albert Pujols the money he wanted, and I’m sure he’ll be great. Combined with the money they are paying Vernon Wells to suck, it should all even out.  The Athletics and Mariners have already started the season by playing two games in the middle of the night. This is part of Bud Selig’s plan to have these two teams play all of their games against each other when no one is watching. If Yankees/Red Sox is MLB’s answer to “Dancing With The Stars” or “American Idol”, A’s/Mariners is the equivalent of those 2 am infomercials for Oxy Clean.

Division winners: Yankees, Tigers, and Rangers

Wild cards: Rays and Angels

Rays beat Angels in 1-game playoff

Yankees beat Tigers, Rangers beat Rays

Yankees beat Rangers

Word Series: Phillies vs. Yankees. Yankees in 6. Evil wins again!

A NEW HOPE: PART VII

Full Name: Omar Quintanilla

Position: Shortstop

Born: October 24, 1981

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 190 lbs.

How acquired: Signed as a free agent from the Texas Rangers.

Uniform number: 6

MLB experience: 6 seasons, with Colorado and Texas.

Best season: 2008, when he posted a slash line of .238/.288/.348 in 234 plate appearances for Colorado. Ye gods.

Injury history: Elbow surgery (2010); Lower leg strain (2010); Elbow strain (2010)

2012 salary: Non-roster invitee. What do they get, Port St. Lucie Pizza Hut vouchers? I have no idea.

Actual scouting notes: Quintanilla raked in the minors (how does .308/.370/.445 grab you?), but has never been able to translate that to major league success. He’s never had much power, but he’s been a singles and doubles machine throughout his minor league career (a good portion of which was in the altitude of Colorado Springs). His defense is so-so, but he can play second, short, and third about equally well. With Ronny Cedeno, Daniel Murphy, Justin Turner, and Ruben Tejada already ensconced in the middle infield rotation, it would take a huge spring for Quintanilla to make the club. It’s likely he’ll bide his time in New Orleans this summer, waiting for an injury to one of those four. I wouldn’t mind playing ball and hanging out in the Big Easy, but I’m sure he has bigger plans. I guess the brain trust’s thinking here is that he’s a decent stopgap option if someone goes down, and they could get lucky and he could start hammering major league pitching the way he has minor league pitching.

Weird, wild stuff: Omar went to the University of Texas after growing up in El Paso. Unlike Jon Hamm, he stuck with it. No word as to whether Roger Clemens attempted to discourage him, in person or otherwise. In 2010, amid a season nearly lost to injury, Omar was suspended 50 games by the Commissioner’s office for testing positive for Methylhexeanimine, a banned stimulant. This season, try the chicory coffee from Café Du Monde, Omar. It’s awesome.

A NEW HOPE: PART VI

Full name: Ramon Santo Ramirez (not Ramon A. Ramirez)

Position: Relief Pitcher

Born: August 31, 1981

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 200 lbs.

How acquired: Obtained in a trade with Andres Torres from the San Francisco Giants for Angel Pagan.

Uniform number: 52

MLB Experience: 6 seasons, with Colorado, Kansas City, Boston and San Francisco.

Best season: 2011, when he appeared in 66 games for the Giants, with a 2.62 ERA and a 1.165 WHIP.

Injury history: Elbow sprain (2007); Shoulder inflammation (2007).

2012 Salary: $2.65 million

Actual scouting notes: Santo, as I like to never call him, has a 92-95 mph fastball, a nasty slider, and a curve that are all effective in small doses. He began his career as a starting pitcher in Japan, returned west and entered the Yankees system, and then was traded to Colorado for Shawn Chacon. At Denver, he had one good year in the bullpen before losing most of 2007 to arm problems. He was traded to KC, and then to Boston (for Coco Crisp), where he had a nice 2009 season, and then was shipped off to the Giants for spare parts. I'm not sure why other GM's don't like this guy, other than he is a standard fungible righty reliever. He's been extremely solid since going to the bullpen full-time. His BABIP in San Fran went from .152 in 2010 to .280 in 2011, and he still managed pretty similar ERA and WHIP numbers, which is amazing. AT&T Park is death on homers, and Ramirez has been stingy with the long ball generally. We'll see how the new fences affect his pitching at Citi Field. He should be a 7th or 8th inning guy, depending on who else is available and effective, and could close in a pinch. Considering he was an afterthought in the Angel Pagan-for-Andres Torres trade, I really like this pick-up.

Weird, wild stuff: He shares a name with another sort-of active bullpen guy as noted above. That one last pitched for Cincinnati in 2009, but is in the Red Sox camp this spring. I wonder if John Henry is sending paychecks to the wrong guy. Wikipedia says Ramirez learned to pitch at the Coca-Cola bottling plant near his home in the Dominican Republic. He took a job there at age 16 after he was released by the Texas Rangers for giving them a bogus birth certificate and being a lousy outfielder. When Terry Collins signals to the bullpen to bring him in, will this be the pause that refreshes? Is he the real thing? Will he add life to the team? Will we enjoy his tenure? Okay, I have to go teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

THIS IS A TEST

I dumped GoDaddy, and I am checking that this still works.

A NEW HOPE: PART V

Full Name: Andres Yungo (Feliciano) Torres

Position: Centerfielder

Born: January 26, 1978

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 200 lbs.

How acquired: Obtained in a trade with Ramon Ramirez from the San Francisco Giants for Angel Pagan

Uniform number: 56

MLB experience: 6 seasons, with Detroit, Texas, and San Francisco

Best season: 2010, when he posted a slash line of .268/.343/.479 in 570 plate appearances for San Francisco (and won a World Series ring).

Injury history: Hamstring (2009); Achilles (2011)

2012 salary: $2.2 million.

Actual scouting notes: Torres is basically an older version of the guy he was traded for, Angel Pagan. The Mets got him and Ramirez, who is a steady, veteran righty out of the pen, making it a pretty nice deal when you add it up. Torres is blazing fast and can play all three outfield positions equally well. He had a very slow start to his career, battling through abysmal performances with the Tigers after his initial call-up, and then being banished to the minors when better options emerged. When healthy and given an everyday job, Torres has shown a good eye and surprising power to go along with his speed and defensive abilities. A leg injury hampered him most of 2011.

Weird, wild stuff: Yungo? I have no idea, but that is both his middle name and nickname. Wikipedia reports that Andres, and the crippling ADHD from which he suffers, are the subject of a feature-length documentary called “Gigante”. Watch for that in July 2012 at no theaters anywhere near you.

A NEW HOPE: PART IV

Full Name: Ronny Alexander Cedeno

Position: Shortstop//Second Baseman

Born: February 2, 1983 (On his birthday, he saw his shadow, meaning 40 more years of dictatorial rule for Hugo Chavez).

Height: 6'0"

Weight: 190 lbs.

How acquired: Signed as a free agent from the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Uniform number: 13. What, him worry?

MLB experience: 7 seasons, with the Cubbies, Seattle and Pittsburgh.

Best season: 2010, when he posted a slash line of .256/.293/.382 in 502 plate appearances for Pittsburgh.

Injury history: Concussion (2011); Fractured Left Hand (2005).

2012 salary: $1.15 million.

Actual scouting notes: Cedeno is a mostly slap-hitting middle infielder with a little pop, a slick glove and a gun for an arm. He’ll push Ruben Tejada in Spring Training and make a bid for the second base job over Justin Turner, but with DePodesta and company making the decisions, I can’t see an out machine like Ronny getting a full time job. He’ll make a solid bench veteran who can cover both middle infield positions ably and provide a right-handed bat to counter situational lefties.

Weird, wild stuff: Cedeno is a remarkably boring individual. He has not been kidnapped, killed anyone, or had his girlfriend go on Venezuelan Big Brother and have sex with various men, all of which have happened to other Venezuelan-born players. About all I can come up with is that he will be wearing #13, presumably in honor of fellow Venezuelan ex-Met Edgardo Alfonzo. Ronny, you ain’t no Fonzie.

A NEW HOPE: PART III

Full Name: Franklin Francisco

Position: Closer

Born: September 11, 1979 (New Yorkers will always remember his birthday, although they won't be thinking much about him).

Height: 6'2"

Weight: 250 lbs.

How acquired: Signed as a free agent from the Toronto Blue Jays.

Uniform number: 48. He has always worn #50, but I guess that now he's a Met, he is deferring to El Sid.

MLB experience: 7 seasons, with Texas and Toronto.

Best season: 2008, when he appeared in 58 games for Texas with a 3.13 ERA and a 1.153 WHIP.

Injury history: Tommy John surgery (2007); Pectoral muscle (2011).

2012 salary: $4 million.

Actual scouting notes: The mercurial Francisco is a semi-legitimate closer, who saved 25 games for Texas in 2009 and 17 games for Toronto in 2011. He's a typical power closer, with high K/9 ratios and low H/9 ratios throughout his career. His strikeouts have diminsihed since his peak 2008 season, but he still can bring a mean fastball and a nasty slider. He was brilliant in the later months of the 2011 season for the Blue Jays after an injury-delayed start. He may not save as many games as K-Rod, but he should be less heart-attack-inducing while doing it.

Weird, wild stuff: The big story in Frank's career is, of course, the chair-throwing incident in Oakland in 2004 when he opened a cut on a woman's face after going all WWE on her in the midst of an on-field brawl. The woman's husband had been using racial slurs and referring to his stillborn child all evening, according to other members of the Rangers bullpen. He was sentenced to anger management classes and settled a civil suit with the woman. He served a suspension for the remainder of the year before undergoing Tommy John surgery. It seems as though he's put the incident behind him and has not had any other disciplinary run-ins. Frank has the distinction of being the guy the Rangers sent to Toronto to get Mike Napoli, who nearly single-handedly won the World Series for Texas in 2011. This signing was not very significant, since the Mets will have few games to close, but Francisco should be reasonably reliable when called upon.

A NEW HOPE: PART II

Full Name: Zachary Harrison Wheeler

Position: Starting Pitcher

Born: May 30, 1990

Height: 6'4"

Weight: 185 lbs.

How acquired: Obtained in a trade with the San Francisco Giants for Carlos Beltran.

Uniform number: N/A, although his Twitter feed is WheelerPro45, so I would guess that's his first choice. Jason Isringhausen has that one right now.

MLB experience: None. He'll probably start the season at AA Binghamton.

Best season: 2011, when he started 22 games for San Jose and St. Lucie, with a combined 3.52 ERA and a 1.322 WHIP.

Injury history: None.

2012 salary: Minor league salary.

Actual scouting notes: Wheeler can touch the high 90's on occasion with a plus curveball, which has led to high strikeout numbers thus far in the minors. His K/9 ratio has been over 10 at all three stops. He hasn't completely found his command yet, as evidenced by a BB/9 ratio near 5 for his minor league career. He keeps the ball in the park, allowing only 7 homers last season in the dinger-happy California League (and none in the Florida State League). He has good height and a projectable frame, and all signs are go that he will be a top power pitcher in the majors, barring arm trouble, of course. John Sickels has him as the 19th highest pitching prospect, just behind Omar Minaya draftee and possible rotation-mate Matt Harvey, and Kevin Goldstein rates him as the 30th overall prospect (5 spots behind Harvey). He could easily be a Pelfrey or a Kazmir, or he could be Doc Halladay. Not a bad pickup for Mr. No Knees.

Weird, wild stuff: His full first name is Zachary, but he goes by Zack with a "k". No Met has ever been named Zack, Zac or Zach. Of course, Pat Zachry came over in The Midnight Massacre deal for Tom Seaver, but that doesn't count. Zack's older brother Adam was a (ugh!) Yankee farmhand who never made it to the majors after four years. Zack is from Dallas, GA, and was the Georgia Player of the Year for 2008-2009. This guy is pretty much a cipher on the Internet. His Twitter feed is all good ole red-blooded southern boy, and he does love the ladies. As Crash Davis once said, Zack, in The Show, they all have long legs and brains.Watch yourself, especially in Manhattan.

A NEW HOPE

Let's face it, the Mets are terrible. The owners are irresponsible deadbeats. There's no way in holy hell I'll be blogging their pathetic exploits this year. Here's an idea, though: the front office, led by Sandy Alderson, Paul DePodesta and J.P. Ricciardi, is actually pretty good, and they have a solid track record of winning results. How about I chronicle only those Mets players that Sandy DePo Ricciardi are responsible for? Eh, why not. There's nothing else going on in the semi-wilderness of Alaska (and I can't exactly bask in the Patriots' afterglow).

First up, let's start with right-handed pitcher Jon Rauch.

Full name: Jon Erich Rauch

Position: Relief Pitcher

Born: September 27, 1978
Height: 6'11"
Weight: 290 lbs.

How acquired: Signed as a free agent from the Toronto Blue Jays.

Uniform number: 60

MLB experience: 9 seasons, with Chicago (AL), Montreal/Washington, Arizona, Minnesota, and Toronto.

Best season: 2007, when he appeared as a reliever in 88 games for the Nats, with a 3.61 ERA and a WHIP of 1.099.

Injury history: Viral meningitis (2000), torn labrum (2001), forearm stiffness (2009)

2012 salary: $3,500,000

Actual scouting notes: At 6'11", Rauch has the distinction of being the tallest pitcher in the history of baseball. His height does nothing to help his velocity, as he typically throws in the high 80's to low 90's with a good slider that is coming from an understandably odd angle. For a team with a shaky bullpen, Rauch is almost literally a horse, or at lease the size of one. He should be able to make tons of appearances and be reasonably effective. He was pretty god-awful with Toronto in 2011, which means he'll probably be fine this year, since relievers never seem to have two similar seasons in a row. When he's going bad, he gives up a lot of home runs, and that should not be a problem at Citi Field, even with the fences coming in a bit. At $3.5M, you can't really argue with this acquisition. It's only a fifth of what they would have had to pay Jose Reyes.

Weird, wild stuff: Rauch is an Olympic gold medal winner, having been on the 2000 U.S. team that won at Sydney. He has the Olympic rings and the Olympic logo tattooed on his neck, as well as wedding rings and an olive branch, plus his wedding date in Roman numerals down his back. With a body his size, that's a big canvas. He majored in Physics and Business while at Morehead State University. He and R.A. Dickey should have some interesting conversations in the bullpen.

He will be only the second Mets player to wear #60 in a regular season game, if he does in fact appear in a game. Scott Schoeneweis was the first.