WEAPON OF MAMMARY DESTRUCTION

The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.

"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."

In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."

French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."

A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.