Yes, it's back, by popular (read: my own) demand, TCP's annual MLB Predictions. Participate in the Moral Imperatives, if you dare. Simply list the winners of all 6 divisions, the 2 wildcard teams, and how the playoffs will play, um, off, plus any other happenings that might, um, happen. Then I will ridicule you. Start ridiculing me...now!
NL East....Phillies. Oh, how I hate to make this prediction. I was a Mets fan for the first 22 years of my life, moved to Illinois and became a White Sox fan, moved to Houston and became an Astros fan, and then moved to Pennsylvania and became a Phillies fan. Then Ed Wade hired one too many 40-year old relievers, MLB.tv came into existence, and Brett Myers beat his wife and Phillies President Bill Giles apologized to him for letting her get in the way of his fist, and I went back to being a Mets fan. Then Jimmy Rollins turned into the second coming of Ernie Banks, and the Phillies are good now. Meanwhile, the Mets appear to believe that they are in an over-40 Latino-only league. The Braves have cut costs to the bone and will play Mark Kotsay in CF, who has more back problems than the Mandelbaum family on Seinfeld. The Marlins would LOVE to have the Braves salary structure, and should enjoy some peace and quiet at their home games. The Nats built a new stadium, which if nothing else, should be cheaper than their last new stadium, the Stade Olympique, which Montrealers are still paying for even though it is now used mostly for the occasional Rush concert.
NL Central...Cubs. Ah, the Audacity of Hope! Comically named Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome (the crowd chants Fuk-U!, Fuk-U!) joins this band of chronic fan-letter-downers for their 100th Anniversary non-World-Series-winning campaign. But they should make the playoffs in the Weakest Division In Baseball (c). The Brewers will find a way to blow it again, as Ben Sheets comes down with Smallpox or possibly Diphtheria. The Reds should be improved, but they are still the Reds. The Astros hired Ed Wade as their GM, so watch out at the 59 Diner for a phalanx of relievers coming in for the early bird special. The Cards have one pitcher in RF and another pitcher batting eighth, signaling their complete surrender. The Pirates can't even get "Talk Like A Pirate Day" scheduled until they are already out of it by 40 games.
NL West...Diamondbacks. These are the guys who haven't changed their name to be politically correct. I guess they could take out the "Diamond" to be sensitive to African tribal conflicts. They won it last year with a bunch of guys that had to get permission slips from their parents to make road trips. I don't expect them to get any worse. The Padres rid themselves of one Giles brother, but are still subsidizing the other one's declining years for some reason. The Dodgers have Joe Torre, who will suddenly become a much worse manager now that he doesn't have a $200 million payroll. The Rockies, as often happens to World Series losers, will slip back to reality, probably because of a humidor malfunction. The Giants have the worst lineup since Saturday night on ABC in 1976 (Dave Roberts is "Holmes & Yo-Yo", and Ray Durham is "Mr T & Tina").
NL Wild Card...Padres
NL Playoffs...D'Backs beat Phillies, Cubs beat Padres. D'Backs beat Cubs when a female Chicago mental patient dressed as Beatrix Kiddo from "Kill Bill" wielding a samurai sword runs onto the field during Game 7 and causes Fukudome to drop a crucial pop fly. The Cubs bullpen will then give up 18 runs.
AL East...Red Sox. I'm a Yankee despiser going way back, so there doesn't need to be any other reason, but now that Manny is doing yoga, the chakras will be opened up in Fenway like nobody's business. The Yankees will revert to the 70's as Hank Steinbrenner takes full control. He'll try to start a running feud with Bobby Abreu, but unlike Reggie Jackson, Abreu will barely notice, or care. The Rays, who DID change their name to be politically correct, will still not be any good, but they will be better than the Blue Jays and way better than the Orioles, who should change everything about their franchise except their name (and ballpark) immediately.
AL Central...Tigers. The Motor City Kitties went out and got Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins for a bunch of minor leaguers. Detroit hasn't seen a knee-capping like that since Nancy Kerrigan. The Indians (the guys who should really be changing their names), will continue to field a team with a guy nicknamed Pronk. The White Sox will cause manager Ozzie Guillen to finally become unable to utter anything besides unintelligible bilingual profanity. The Twins will discover that the Mets farm system wasn't any good BEFORE they traded Johan Santana to acquire it. The Royals will experience another year in a rebuilding process that began shortly after the retirement of George Brett.
AL West...Angels. No more team name jokes, we've hit our quota. Los Angeles De Los Angeles De Anaheim (ok, one more) has a four-man outfield of Garrett Anderson, Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero, and Gary Matthews, Jr., which would be great if they were playing in a beer league on Tuesday nights, but not so good for the majors. They'll figure it out enough to beat the likes of the Mariners, Athletics and Rangers, who don't have four decent outfielders between them. The Rangers are just hoping George W. Bush doesn't go back to being their owner in his post-White House years.
Al Wild Card...Yankees
AL Playoffs...Red Sox beat Tigers, Angels beat Yankees. Red Sox beat Angels as Sox fans, instead of singing "Sweet Caroline" during the middle of the 8th inning, take to reciting passages of the Bhagavad Gita.
World Series...D'Backs beat Red Sox, despite the fact that the latter parts of the games are past most of their bed times.
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