Someday, the snow will melt, and newly-average-sized men (Bartolo Colon excepted) will be playing with bats and balls in taxpayer-funded stadia. It's baseball again! Here's your yearly guide to what will (not) happen. This is all subject to video review back in New York.
NL East
The Nationals will have Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper in the same lineup again, until the former bumps his porcelain arm against a feather pillow and breaks it, and the latter surfs a wave of lava on a stainless steel surfboard while riding a Harley through a brick wall while drinking a Four Loko, broheme, and only lands on the 15-day DL. The Braves have already lost two pitchers to Dr. James Andrews' scalpel, but will dip into their endless pool of Upton brothers to stay above water. Things aren't looking good between new manager Ryne Sandberg (Graduate, Old School, 2005) of the Phillies and his recalcitrant shortstop Jimmy Rollins. That's not hard to imagine given that Rollins owns the one World Series ring between them. The Mets, like Jimmy Stewart, have an invisible entity named (Matt) Harvey plaguing them. GM Sandy Alderson pledged the fans a 90-win season, which only Bernie Madoff's former customers believed. Meanwhile, speaking of con artists, the Marlins' art-collector owner Jeff Loria has already agreed in principle to trade ace Jose Fernandez to the Yankees when his free agent contract is due in exchange for A-Rod's centaur painting.
NL Central
Yeah, we get it, the Cardinal Way. It used to be spending bounteous amounts of Busch family cash and beating up on inferior teams, and now is solely the result of hooking David Eckstein to an MRI machine and transmitting his brain waves to the players to increase their "grit". Whatever. The Pirates are now a contender thanks to Andrew McCutchen, who kind of looks like a pirate. The Reds will add the fastest man in baseball, Billy Hamilton, to a roster possessing the fastest thrower in baseball, Aroldis Chapman. This will somehow help them win games of baseball, the slowest sport there is (now with replay challenges!). Ryan Braun is back for the Brewers after his unfortunate bout of failing a drug test, succeeding at an appeal by accusing his urine collector of being anti-Semitic, being named in the Biogenesis report, finally taking a 65-game suspension, and meeting with his urine collector to apologize. This actually happened. The Cubs have a new mascot who doesn't wear pants, much like Harry Caray around the 8th inning of an interminable summer day game in the early 80s.
NL West
Yasiel Puig rescued the $2 Billion Dodgers from the brink last season. This year, their main concern may be figuring out what to do after they clinch on August 27th. This is not a great division. The Giants are probably the main competition, assuming the newly clipped Tim Lincecum will be allowed in the stadium without his parents' permission. The D'Backs continue to evaluate players based on "who Kirk Gibson thinks is a winner" instead of "facts", which should at least yield predictable results. The Padres are counting on two really solid, productive weeks from Carlos Quentin. The Rockies are going to crack this high-altitude problem "one of these decades".
Division Champs
Nationals
Cardinals
Dodgers
Wild Cards
Pirates, Braves
Pirates beat Braves
Dodgers beat Pirates
Nationals beat Cardinals
Dodgers beat Nationals
AL East
Big Papi single-handedly defeated global terrorism by swearing at it into a live mic and then won the Red Sox the World Series. One hopes things won't be quite as eventful this season, but I wouldn't bet against him if Obama deployed him against Putin. The Rays manager Joe Maddon will lead the league in successful replay reviews, because he's probably figured out the ideal calls to challenge and has devised an elaborate scheme to capitalize on the camera's parallax effect and advantageous light angles. He's a smart man. In New York, Derek Jeter will receive retirement gifts of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models from each of the Yankees' visiting opponents. Not photos, the actual models. The Orioles' Chris Davis hit 53 homers last year. Urine collectors everywhere hope he did it legitimately. Along those lines, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is eagerly awaiting the crack of the bat when the Blue Jays take the field. Or something close to that.
AL Central
Dartmouth-educated Brad Ausmus takes over the potent Tigers. When the Rays hit town, he and Joe Maddon will get crazy and spend the mornings as guest docents at the Michigan Science Center. The Indians are becoming contenders with such stars as Michael Brantley, Jason Kipnis, Bryan Shaw, and Cody Allen. Astonishingly, these are not names I selected at random. Lorde has made the Royals her pre-season favorite, but she is from New Zealand and only knows baseball from reading National Geographic. Cuban defector Jose Abreu joins the White Sox, who have as much future as Fidel Castro. All the Twins have is future, and it's not starting this year.
AL West
The Rangers fired Nolan Ryan in a front-office power struggle, probably their worst move since selling the franchise to certain C student from Yale. Adding Prince Fielder and Shin-Soo Choo will overcome that for now, until Prince discovers Texas BBQ. The Athletics didn't get to stage an ALCS beard-off with Boston last year, but Josh Reddick and Eric Sogard have nothing to be ashamed of. Mike Trout will one day bankrupt the Angels or whatever team he decides to play for, but for now, Anaheimians, enjoy his relatively low-cost tenure while it lasts. Felix Hernandez gets another year of being the King Of Wishful Thinking (yes, I googled a Go West song from the soundtrack of Pretty Woman) for the Mariners. Finally, we come to the 30th and worst team in baseball, the Astros. I hear they still exist, but Comcast will not allow me to watch them here in Houston. Bless you, Comcast.
Division Champs
Red Sox
Tigers
Rangers
Wild Cards
Rays, Athletics
Athletics beat Rays
Red Sox beat Athletics
Rangers beat Tigers
Red Sox beat Rangers
World Series
Dodgers and Red Sox. With one out in the 9th of Game 7 at Fenway and the Red Sox down a run, Yasiel Puig will rob David Ortiz of a 2-run game-winning home run by leaping atop the short bullpen fence in right. He will climb off the fence and throw a laser to the plate to nip a tagging Dustin Pedroia. Or is Pedroia safe? Replays will be consulted...it's really close...then Bud Selig himself will decide that, as his last act as commissioner, he's going to call the World Series a tie.
NL East
The Nationals will have Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper in the same lineup again, until the former bumps his porcelain arm against a feather pillow and breaks it, and the latter surfs a wave of lava on a stainless steel surfboard while riding a Harley through a brick wall while drinking a Four Loko, broheme, and only lands on the 15-day DL. The Braves have already lost two pitchers to Dr. James Andrews' scalpel, but will dip into their endless pool of Upton brothers to stay above water. Things aren't looking good between new manager Ryne Sandberg (Graduate, Old School, 2005) of the Phillies and his recalcitrant shortstop Jimmy Rollins. That's not hard to imagine given that Rollins owns the one World Series ring between them. The Mets, like Jimmy Stewart, have an invisible entity named (Matt) Harvey plaguing them. GM Sandy Alderson pledged the fans a 90-win season, which only Bernie Madoff's former customers believed. Meanwhile, speaking of con artists, the Marlins' art-collector owner Jeff Loria has already agreed in principle to trade ace Jose Fernandez to the Yankees when his free agent contract is due in exchange for A-Rod's centaur painting.
NL Central
Yeah, we get it, the Cardinal Way. It used to be spending bounteous amounts of Busch family cash and beating up on inferior teams, and now is solely the result of hooking David Eckstein to an MRI machine and transmitting his brain waves to the players to increase their "grit". Whatever. The Pirates are now a contender thanks to Andrew McCutchen, who kind of looks like a pirate. The Reds will add the fastest man in baseball, Billy Hamilton, to a roster possessing the fastest thrower in baseball, Aroldis Chapman. This will somehow help them win games of baseball, the slowest sport there is (now with replay challenges!). Ryan Braun is back for the Brewers after his unfortunate bout of failing a drug test, succeeding at an appeal by accusing his urine collector of being anti-Semitic, being named in the Biogenesis report, finally taking a 65-game suspension, and meeting with his urine collector to apologize. This actually happened. The Cubs have a new mascot who doesn't wear pants, much like Harry Caray around the 8th inning of an interminable summer day game in the early 80s.
NL West
Yasiel Puig rescued the $2 Billion Dodgers from the brink last season. This year, their main concern may be figuring out what to do after they clinch on August 27th. This is not a great division. The Giants are probably the main competition, assuming the newly clipped Tim Lincecum will be allowed in the stadium without his parents' permission. The D'Backs continue to evaluate players based on "who Kirk Gibson thinks is a winner" instead of "facts", which should at least yield predictable results. The Padres are counting on two really solid, productive weeks from Carlos Quentin. The Rockies are going to crack this high-altitude problem "one of these decades".
Division Champs
Nationals
Cardinals
Dodgers
Wild Cards
Pirates, Braves
Pirates beat Braves
Dodgers beat Pirates
Nationals beat Cardinals
Dodgers beat Nationals
AL East
Big Papi single-handedly defeated global terrorism by swearing at it into a live mic and then won the Red Sox the World Series. One hopes things won't be quite as eventful this season, but I wouldn't bet against him if Obama deployed him against Putin. The Rays manager Joe Maddon will lead the league in successful replay reviews, because he's probably figured out the ideal calls to challenge and has devised an elaborate scheme to capitalize on the camera's parallax effect and advantageous light angles. He's a smart man. In New York, Derek Jeter will receive retirement gifts of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models from each of the Yankees' visiting opponents. Not photos, the actual models. The Orioles' Chris Davis hit 53 homers last year. Urine collectors everywhere hope he did it legitimately. Along those lines, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is eagerly awaiting the crack of the bat when the Blue Jays take the field. Or something close to that.
AL Central
Dartmouth-educated Brad Ausmus takes over the potent Tigers. When the Rays hit town, he and Joe Maddon will get crazy and spend the mornings as guest docents at the Michigan Science Center. The Indians are becoming contenders with such stars as Michael Brantley, Jason Kipnis, Bryan Shaw, and Cody Allen. Astonishingly, these are not names I selected at random. Lorde has made the Royals her pre-season favorite, but she is from New Zealand and only knows baseball from reading National Geographic. Cuban defector Jose Abreu joins the White Sox, who have as much future as Fidel Castro. All the Twins have is future, and it's not starting this year.
AL West
The Rangers fired Nolan Ryan in a front-office power struggle, probably their worst move since selling the franchise to certain C student from Yale. Adding Prince Fielder and Shin-Soo Choo will overcome that for now, until Prince discovers Texas BBQ. The Athletics didn't get to stage an ALCS beard-off with Boston last year, but Josh Reddick and Eric Sogard have nothing to be ashamed of. Mike Trout will one day bankrupt the Angels or whatever team he decides to play for, but for now, Anaheimians, enjoy his relatively low-cost tenure while it lasts. Felix Hernandez gets another year of being the King Of Wishful Thinking (yes, I googled a Go West song from the soundtrack of Pretty Woman) for the Mariners. Finally, we come to the 30th and worst team in baseball, the Astros. I hear they still exist, but Comcast will not allow me to watch them here in Houston. Bless you, Comcast.
Division Champs
Red Sox
Tigers
Rangers
Wild Cards
Rays, Athletics
Athletics beat Rays
Red Sox beat Athletics
Rangers beat Tigers
Red Sox beat Rangers
World Series
Dodgers and Red Sox. With one out in the 9th of Game 7 at Fenway and the Red Sox down a run, Yasiel Puig will rob David Ortiz of a 2-run game-winning home run by leaping atop the short bullpen fence in right. He will climb off the fence and throw a laser to the plate to nip a tagging Dustin Pedroia. Or is Pedroia safe? Replays will be consulted...it's really close...then Bud Selig himself will decide that, as his last act as commissioner, he's going to call the World Series a tie.
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