It started out well. With most of Brooklyn in his player's box, Nelson Figueroa made his debut as a Mets starter by allowing only two hits in six innings. The Mets offense strung together a three-run 4th inning, which was enough to get Figgy the win, even after his 87 mph fastball started getting timed by the Brewers' many sluggers. Aaron Heilman (gasp!) and Billy Wagner both delivered perfect innings to sew up the 4-2 victory.
Game two of the series on Saturday was a different beast altogether, with Johan Santana, a man with expectations set far higher than they were for a guy who hadn't started a game since 2004, facing his counterpart ace, Ben Sheets. Neither pitcher was sharp early, with the Mets taking an early 2-0 lead punctuated by a Carlos Delgado near-homer double off the right field wall. The Brewers got a run back in the 2nd on a safety squeeze by Sheets, and then Big Ben settled in. Johan, not so much. While Sheets was retiring the next 19 batters in a row, Santana was giving up enormous home runs to Bill Hall, Rickie Weeks, and the crushing blow by Gabe Kapler that knocked him out of the game. David Wright hit one out to the picnic pavilion in left in the 8th to end Sheets' streak, but the Mets couldn't dent the shaky Brewer pen, and lost it 5-3.
The finale on Sunday was a tedious, sloppy, and ultimately dispiriting 9-7 defeat. The Mets trailed early, on another Gabe Kapler homer (I really think you should go back to managing, Gabe. Please.), but re-took the lead on Wright's third HR of the season in the 1st and a two-run bottom-of-the-order rally in the 2nd. New York appeared to start to pull away in the 3rd when Carlos Beltran and Brian Schneider each had RBI hits to make the score 6-2. Pitcher Oliver Perez barely missed an extra-base hit to the right field corner off Brewer starter Jeff Suppan, and then struck out to end the inning, or the Mets might really have put it away. I don't know if it was the near miss at bat, or the fact that the Brewers can flat out rake, but Perez fell completely apart in the top of the 4th, allowing Milwaukee to tie the game on two 2-run singles by Jason Kendall and Ryan Braun.
The score remained tied until the 6th, when reliever Jorge Sosa gave up another towering drive to Weeks, and then nearly wriggled out of a jam before Corey Hart ripped a single to left to score Kapler to make it 8-6. The Brewers hitters just keep coming in waves. If these guys can keep their pitching healthy, which is a huge if, they can hang with anybody.
Kapler added another RBI double off Joe Smith, and the Mets got a Damion Easley RBI single in the 7th, and then continued hitting into more double plays in more varied and interesting ways than had ever been seen by most of the patrons present (starting in the 4th inning, it was 3-unassisted, 4-6-3, 1-6-3, 4-6-3, 3-2). Old friend and boo-receiver Guillermo Mota and former and current bullpen mate Eric Gagne finished up with two shutout innings.
Obviously, the encouraging aspect of the weekend, perhaps the only one, was Nelson Figueroa. It'll be interesting to see how he does on the road when only maybe his wife is there to cheer for him, as opposed to the better part of a borough. He was not at all overpowering, but he changed speeds, had good command, and was poised and confident. He was kind of like, well, El Duque, although we can probably find Figueroa's birth certificate. As I mentioned, the Brewers bats caught up the third time around, which will probably be a recurrent theme in Figueroa's tenure on the staff.
Nobody took charge in the NL East this weekend, with Florida maintaining their tenuous 1-1/2 game edge over us and the Phillies. The Nats finally won after nine straight losses, defeating the Braves on Sunday, which put Atlanta two games back. The Mets get an off day today, and then we try to start another losing streak for the Nationals.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
ANGEL OF THE (ALMOST) MORNING
Long after I went to sleep, Angel Pagan hit a game-winning single up the middle, scoring Jose Reyes to give the Mets a 4-3 victory in the 12th at about 11:10 PM EDT (less than an hour from the morning). Jorge Sosa vultured the win, finishing up the top of the 12th for Scott Schoeneweis. Scotty finally contributed positively, getting Chase Utley to ground into a DP to end the 11th. Starter John Maine went six plus strong innings, leaving in the 7th after a Pedro Feliz homer was followed by a Chris Coste double.
It looks like the Mets caught a break on the game-winning play, as Reyes may have been tagged out after a strong throw by mid-game replacement centerfielder Jayson Werth. I haven't seen it yet. Who cares? The call was made, so let's move on. We could use some breaks against the Phils, who suddenly started getting all the bounces last year after Jimmy Rollins proclaimed them the team to beat.
New York built a 3-0 lead, on a two-run single by Ryan Church in the 4th and an RBI single by Carlos Beltran in the 6th, both off starter Adam Eaton. After Feliz's homer, Pedro Feliciano finished the seventh, and then Aaron Heilman entered in his customary 8th inning slot. Don't get too comfy, Aaron. For the third time this season, Heilman surrendered two runs in an appearance, starting with a frightening blast by Ryan Howard, followed by a walk to Pat Burrell, a Geoff Jenkins single, and a So Taguchi RBI grounder.
Billy Wagner came in to pitch the ninth, and I'm a bit concerned about his velocity. It's April, only his second appearance, he's pitching from the full windup, and he was still only able to hit 95 on his fastball. That could be down to 92 by Summer, and maybe in the 80's by September. The slider looked great, but he tends to get wilder with that pitch as the season progresses. In this outing, the only blemish was a two-out walk to Utley, but if both the fastball and slider decline even a little bit off what they were last night, the hits might not stop coming.
At 4-4, we're still a game and a half behind Florida. Hey, Marlins, play some real teams, already! The Braves were snowed out in Colorado, which allowed them to avoid a four game sweep. Nelson Figueroa makes his first start in the bigs since 2004 tonight vs. the Brewers and Manny Parra. As I've been saying in the comments, Figueroa figures to be a replacement-level starter. Anything better will be a bonus, and we start finding out tonight if he can provide it.
It looks like the Mets caught a break on the game-winning play, as Reyes may have been tagged out after a strong throw by mid-game replacement centerfielder Jayson Werth. I haven't seen it yet. Who cares? The call was made, so let's move on. We could use some breaks against the Phils, who suddenly started getting all the bounces last year after Jimmy Rollins proclaimed them the team to beat.
New York built a 3-0 lead, on a two-run single by Ryan Church in the 4th and an RBI single by Carlos Beltran in the 6th, both off starter Adam Eaton. After Feliz's homer, Pedro Feliciano finished the seventh, and then Aaron Heilman entered in his customary 8th inning slot. Don't get too comfy, Aaron. For the third time this season, Heilman surrendered two runs in an appearance, starting with a frightening blast by Ryan Howard, followed by a walk to Pat Burrell, a Geoff Jenkins single, and a So Taguchi RBI grounder.
Billy Wagner came in to pitch the ninth, and I'm a bit concerned about his velocity. It's April, only his second appearance, he's pitching from the full windup, and he was still only able to hit 95 on his fastball. That could be down to 92 by Summer, and maybe in the 80's by September. The slider looked great, but he tends to get wilder with that pitch as the season progresses. In this outing, the only blemish was a two-out walk to Utley, but if both the fastball and slider decline even a little bit off what they were last night, the hits might not stop coming.
At 4-4, we're still a game and a half behind Florida. Hey, Marlins, play some real teams, already! The Braves were snowed out in Colorado, which allowed them to avoid a four game sweep. Nelson Figueroa makes his first start in the bigs since 2004 tonight vs. the Brewers and Manny Parra. As I've been saying in the comments, Figueroa figures to be a replacement-level starter. Anything better will be a bonus, and we start finding out tonight if he can provide it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
PHINALLY
We beat the Phillies! It only took nine games and one division title, but the Mets for once outscored their surly neighbors 90 miles to the southwest, 8-2. Mike Pelfrey was solid, allowing two runs in five innings, and the bullpen, bolstered by the now-present Pedro Feliciano, held the Phils scoreless. Feliciano had been away attending to a "family emergency", which contributed to Tuesday's late game collapse.
The game was a laugher in more ways than one, owing mostly to the Phillies ineptitude with the glove, and Kyle Kendrick's inability to throw a strike after getting the count to 0-2. Jimmy Rollins was on the bench with a sore ankle, forcing Eric Bruntlett to play short, and that was where most of the hilarity ensued. The Mets scored in the first inning on what was apparently a poorly scored error by Chase Utley on a hard-hit grounder by David Wright (I was standing outside a Coldwater Creek waiting for my wife to spend more money at the time). The Phils tied it up in the second after Jose Reyes botched a sure inning-ending double play grounder, tossing it behind second baseman Damion Easley and off his fingertips. Pelfrey stayed remarkably calm after that play, allowing a Carlos Ruiz single, but getting pitcher Kendrick and the Flyin' Hawaiian Shane Victorino to ground out.
Kendrick walked the bases loaded in the bottom of the second, accounting for three of the six walks by the alliterative young righty, but wriggled out of that jam by getting Carlos Beltran to tap weekly to Utley. In the third, the Mets did regain the lead on a double by Delgado, who looks very Delgado-like again, and singles by Ryan Church and Easley. After Brian Schneider lined out, Pelfrey attempted a bunt and nearly interfered with Ruiz, who nudged Pelfrey out of way, grabbed the ball, and threw wide to third off Pedro Feliz' glove to load the bases. Bruntlett then literally booted a possible double-play grounder by Reyes, scoring Church. Angel Pagan followed with a double just inside the bag at third, to make it 5-1, and then after Chad Durbin relieved the frustrated Kendrick, Wright hit a sharp grounder that Bruntlett completely whiffed trying to backhand for his second error of the inning and the Phillies third. Reyes scored on that play to
make it 6-1, and Durbin then bounced a sinker off the front of the plate to the backstop to score Pagan to make it 7-1.
The Phils mounted a few minor challenges, including loading the bases off Feliciano in the 8th, but could not get closer than five runs the rest of the way. The win makes us 3-4, still a game and a half back of the Marlins, and in third place. The Braves were hammered by the Rockies, and go for four straight losses to Colorado this afternoon.
MLB.TV gave me a non-full screen picture for about the first six innings last night, and then somebody at MLB headquarters flipped a switch and I got the full screen video. I have no idea what they are doing with this product. It seems like nobody really cares that much about customer service, but they are all over the idea that if they can't figure out a way to derive revenue off the commercials, you aren't getting them! I'm assuming somebody stands by each feed and manually cuts it over to the white "MLB.TV" logo screen between innings and during pitching changes. If that's the case, why isn't somebody checking the feed to make sure we're getting full-screen video? I gave the Microsoft Silverlight video player another shot last night, but even at 800 KB it's jumpy and looks terrible. The 1.2 MB feed is a complete mess. I might just go ahead and get Extra Innings, because MLB.TV is not getting any better, and if you call their customer service line, all you get is some dope with a New Yawk accent who basically tells you to go screw yourself. If I didn't travel so much, I never would have bought it in the first place. I might also invest in a Slingbox, which can broadcast your cable signal to any PC over the web.
The game was a laugher in more ways than one, owing mostly to the Phillies ineptitude with the glove, and Kyle Kendrick's inability to throw a strike after getting the count to 0-2. Jimmy Rollins was on the bench with a sore ankle, forcing Eric Bruntlett to play short, and that was where most of the hilarity ensued. The Mets scored in the first inning on what was apparently a poorly scored error by Chase Utley on a hard-hit grounder by David Wright (I was standing outside a Coldwater Creek waiting for my wife to spend more money at the time). The Phils tied it up in the second after Jose Reyes botched a sure inning-ending double play grounder, tossing it behind second baseman Damion Easley and off his fingertips. Pelfrey stayed remarkably calm after that play, allowing a Carlos Ruiz single, but getting pitcher Kendrick and the Flyin' Hawaiian Shane Victorino to ground out.
Kendrick walked the bases loaded in the bottom of the second, accounting for three of the six walks by the alliterative young righty, but wriggled out of that jam by getting Carlos Beltran to tap weekly to Utley. In the third, the Mets did regain the lead on a double by Delgado, who looks very Delgado-like again, and singles by Ryan Church and Easley. After Brian Schneider lined out, Pelfrey attempted a bunt and nearly interfered with Ruiz, who nudged Pelfrey out of way, grabbed the ball, and threw wide to third off Pedro Feliz' glove to load the bases. Bruntlett then literally booted a possible double-play grounder by Reyes, scoring Church. Angel Pagan followed with a double just inside the bag at third, to make it 5-1, and then after Chad Durbin relieved the frustrated Kendrick, Wright hit a sharp grounder that Bruntlett completely whiffed trying to backhand for his second error of the inning and the Phillies third. Reyes scored on that play to
make it 6-1, and Durbin then bounced a sinker off the front of the plate to the backstop to score Pagan to make it 7-1.
The Phils mounted a few minor challenges, including loading the bases off Feliciano in the 8th, but could not get closer than five runs the rest of the way. The win makes us 3-4, still a game and a half back of the Marlins, and in third place. The Braves were hammered by the Rockies, and go for four straight losses to Colorado this afternoon.
MLB.TV gave me a non-full screen picture for about the first six innings last night, and then somebody at MLB headquarters flipped a switch and I got the full screen video. I have no idea what they are doing with this product. It seems like nobody really cares that much about customer service, but they are all over the idea that if they can't figure out a way to derive revenue off the commercials, you aren't getting them! I'm assuming somebody stands by each feed and manually cuts it over to the white "MLB.TV" logo screen between innings and during pitching changes. If that's the case, why isn't somebody checking the feed to make sure we're getting full-screen video? I gave the Microsoft Silverlight video player another shot last night, but even at 800 KB it's jumpy and looks terrible. The 1.2 MB feed is a complete mess. I might just go ahead and get Extra Innings, because MLB.TV is not getting any better, and if you call their customer service line, all you get is some dope with a New Yawk accent who basically tells you to go screw yourself. If I didn't travel so much, I never would have bought it in the first place. I might also invest in a Slingbox, which can broadcast your cable signal to any PC over the web.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
HOME MOPE-ENER
I missed the last Shea home opener because I work for the Man. Several Men, and a few Women, actually, who do not allow streaming video on the company wires. I didn't miss much, as the Mets dropped another one, this time to the hateable Phillies, 5-2.
Oliver Perez had another stellar outing, giving up only three hits and three walks in five innings. The bullpen failed to hold another lead, though, with Schoeneweis and Heilman (sounds like one of those personal injury law firms that advertise on the outer cable channels) doing their worst. The Mets got an early couple of runs off Old Man Jamie Moyer, but that was all they could muster for the day, as Chad Durbin, JC Romero, and the previously combustible Tom Gordon shut them out.
The good news is, Wright, Delgado and Beltran are all hitting, Pagan, Church and Schneider aren't embarrassing themselves, yet, and at least Perez and Santana look sharp. The bad news is the bullpen, which could be a disaster this year, especially since they will be overtaxed having to mop up for Mike Pelfrey and Nelson Figueroa. Of course, Pelfrey and Figueroa pitching in the first place is the real bad news. El Duque will have to miss a rehab start while he continues to recover from his foot ailment, and there's no telling when Petey will be back.
The loss drops the Mets to 2-4, a game and a half behind the Marlins, who have been getting fat on Pittsburgh and Washington. The Braves lost again to the Rockies, a team that was hitting under .200 coming into that series. The NL East looks historically awful right now.
Oliver Perez had another stellar outing, giving up only three hits and three walks in five innings. The bullpen failed to hold another lead, though, with Schoeneweis and Heilman (sounds like one of those personal injury law firms that advertise on the outer cable channels) doing their worst. The Mets got an early couple of runs off Old Man Jamie Moyer, but that was all they could muster for the day, as Chad Durbin, JC Romero, and the previously combustible Tom Gordon shut them out.
The good news is, Wright, Delgado and Beltran are all hitting, Pagan, Church and Schneider aren't embarrassing themselves, yet, and at least Perez and Santana look sharp. The bad news is the bullpen, which could be a disaster this year, especially since they will be overtaxed having to mop up for Mike Pelfrey and Nelson Figueroa. Of course, Pelfrey and Figueroa pitching in the first place is the real bad news. El Duque will have to miss a rehab start while he continues to recover from his foot ailment, and there's no telling when Petey will be back.
The loss drops the Mets to 2-4, a game and a half behind the Marlins, who have been getting fat on Pittsburgh and Washington. The Braves lost again to the Rockies, a team that was hitting under .200 coming into that series. The NL East looks historically awful right now.
Monday, April 07, 2008
FORGET THE MAINE - AND THE SOSA TOO
The Mets/Braves game was washed out on Friday, which turned out to be the highlight of the weekend for the New Yorkers.
Saturday's game started out fairly well, with the Mets tying the game at 1-1 in the second on an Angel "Godless" Pagan fielder's choice. The game proceeded squarely downhill after that, and never recovered. John Maine nearly wriggled out of a jam in the 3rd, but then gave up a two-out two-run single to Matt Diaz. He yielded another two-out RBI hit in the 4th, this time to Mark Teixeira, to make it 4-1.
The Mets briefly made a comeback, getting to within one run at 4-3 on a RBI single by Reyes and a run-scoring groundout by Castillo. Maine gave way to Joe Smith, who along with Scott Schoeneweis gave up another run in the 6th to make it 5-3. It looked like the Mets might do some damage off reliever Pete Moylan when Brian Schneider and pinch-hitter Endy Chavez both reached base in the 7th, but the top of the order fizzled out the rally, and Jorge Sosa came in to pitch the bottom of the 7th.
Since Sosa had a nice outing last time, I was pretty much prepared for the worst this time, and the worst pretty much occurred. It wasn't all Sosa's fault, only mostly. Brian McCann hit a double up the gap with one out, and then Jeff Francoeur popped up to short right for what should have been out number two. Reyes went back on it, Pagan came in, and Pagan failed to call off Reyes, who turned his back to the field and completely lost the ball. It fell in for a single, moving McCann to third. Fill-in second basemen Martin Prado drew an unconscionable walk, and was followed by pinch-hitter Kelly Johnson, the real second baseman. Johnson showed why he is the regular, hitting a pinch-hit grand slam deep into the right field stands, effectively ending the game. It did for me, anyway, as I turned it off and got on with my life. The Mets added a couple of runs off of Royce Ring, and the Braves followed with a couple off of Nelson Figueroa to make the final 11-5.
Sunday's game matched aces John Smoltz and Johan Santana. The two pitchers posted zeroes until the bottom of the third, when Yunel Escobar doubled in Mark Kotsay to give the Braves a 1-0 lead. Smoltz was finished after 5 shutout innings, and once again I had some hopes that the Mets could have some fun with the Braves bullpen, but it wasn't to be. Blaine Boyer, Pete Moylan, and Will Ohman, not exactly names to be feared, held the Mets scoreless for three innings. Meanwhile, Aaron Heilman relieved a valiant Santana and gave up a two-run bomb to Teixeira in the 8th to put the game out of reach. Braves closer Rafael Soriano allowed a meaningless two-out run in the 9th for the 3-1 final. Luckily, I missed the ending because I attended a San Antonio Missions game with another owner in my Strat league who, moved here last year. They also lost, but I would recommend picking up Dexter Fowler from the Rockies' organization in your next draft.
The losses dropped the Mets to 2-3, a half-game back of the Braves and Marlins. The Phillies did not distinguish themselves over the weekend either, losing two of three to Cincinnati. We get the Phils at home tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday after an off-day today. Mike Pelfrey gets the Tuesday start, and thank goodness it's not at Citizen's Bank Park. ESPN has Figueroa starting against Milwaukee on Friday night. Wow, this is not looking very pleasant. I'm starting to resign myself to a .500 season if Pedro stays on the DL or is as ineffective as he was for the three-plus innings he did pitch. And I'm also thinking that .500 might be good enough to make the playoffs in this very poor division.
Saturday's game started out fairly well, with the Mets tying the game at 1-1 in the second on an Angel "Godless" Pagan fielder's choice. The game proceeded squarely downhill after that, and never recovered. John Maine nearly wriggled out of a jam in the 3rd, but then gave up a two-out two-run single to Matt Diaz. He yielded another two-out RBI hit in the 4th, this time to Mark Teixeira, to make it 4-1.
The Mets briefly made a comeback, getting to within one run at 4-3 on a RBI single by Reyes and a run-scoring groundout by Castillo. Maine gave way to Joe Smith, who along with Scott Schoeneweis gave up another run in the 6th to make it 5-3. It looked like the Mets might do some damage off reliever Pete Moylan when Brian Schneider and pinch-hitter Endy Chavez both reached base in the 7th, but the top of the order fizzled out the rally, and Jorge Sosa came in to pitch the bottom of the 7th.
Since Sosa had a nice outing last time, I was pretty much prepared for the worst this time, and the worst pretty much occurred. It wasn't all Sosa's fault, only mostly. Brian McCann hit a double up the gap with one out, and then Jeff Francoeur popped up to short right for what should have been out number two. Reyes went back on it, Pagan came in, and Pagan failed to call off Reyes, who turned his back to the field and completely lost the ball. It fell in for a single, moving McCann to third. Fill-in second basemen Martin Prado drew an unconscionable walk, and was followed by pinch-hitter Kelly Johnson, the real second baseman. Johnson showed why he is the regular, hitting a pinch-hit grand slam deep into the right field stands, effectively ending the game. It did for me, anyway, as I turned it off and got on with my life. The Mets added a couple of runs off of Royce Ring, and the Braves followed with a couple off of Nelson Figueroa to make the final 11-5.
Sunday's game matched aces John Smoltz and Johan Santana. The two pitchers posted zeroes until the bottom of the third, when Yunel Escobar doubled in Mark Kotsay to give the Braves a 1-0 lead. Smoltz was finished after 5 shutout innings, and once again I had some hopes that the Mets could have some fun with the Braves bullpen, but it wasn't to be. Blaine Boyer, Pete Moylan, and Will Ohman, not exactly names to be feared, held the Mets scoreless for three innings. Meanwhile, Aaron Heilman relieved a valiant Santana and gave up a two-run bomb to Teixeira in the 8th to put the game out of reach. Braves closer Rafael Soriano allowed a meaningless two-out run in the 9th for the 3-1 final. Luckily, I missed the ending because I attended a San Antonio Missions game with another owner in my Strat league who, moved here last year. They also lost, but I would recommend picking up Dexter Fowler from the Rockies' organization in your next draft.
The losses dropped the Mets to 2-3, a half-game back of the Braves and Marlins. The Phillies did not distinguish themselves over the weekend either, losing two of three to Cincinnati. We get the Phils at home tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday after an off-day today. Mike Pelfrey gets the Tuesday start, and thank goodness it's not at Citizen's Bank Park. ESPN has Figueroa starting against Milwaukee on Friday night. Wow, this is not looking very pleasant. I'm starting to resign myself to a .500 season if Pedro stays on the DL or is as ineffective as he was for the three-plus innings he did pitch. And I'm also thinking that .500 might be good enough to make the playoffs in this very poor division.
Friday, April 04, 2008
MLB PREDICTIONS - WRONG OR YOUR MONEY BACK
Yes, it's back, by popular (read: my own) demand, TCP's annual MLB Predictions. Participate in the Moral Imperatives, if you dare. Simply list the winners of all 6 divisions, the 2 wildcard teams, and how the playoffs will play, um, off, plus any other happenings that might, um, happen. Then I will ridicule you. Start ridiculing me...now!
NL East....Phillies. Oh, how I hate to make this prediction. I was a Mets fan for the first 22 years of my life, moved to Illinois and became a White Sox fan, moved to Houston and became an Astros fan, and then moved to Pennsylvania and became a Phillies fan. Then Ed Wade hired one too many 40-year old relievers, MLB.tv came into existence, and Brett Myers beat his wife and Phillies President Bill Giles apologized to him for letting her get in the way of his fist, and I went back to being a Mets fan. Then Jimmy Rollins turned into the second coming of Ernie Banks, and the Phillies are good now. Meanwhile, the Mets appear to believe that they are in an over-40 Latino-only league. The Braves have cut costs to the bone and will play Mark Kotsay in CF, who has more back problems than the Mandelbaum family on Seinfeld. The Marlins would LOVE to have the Braves salary structure, and should enjoy some peace and quiet at their home games. The Nats built a new stadium, which if nothing else, should be cheaper than their last new stadium, the Stade Olympique, which Montrealers are still paying for even though it is now used mostly for the occasional Rush concert.
NL Central...Cubs. Ah, the Audacity of Hope! Comically named Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome (the crowd chants Fuk-U!, Fuk-U!) joins this band of chronic fan-letter-downers for their 100th Anniversary non-World-Series-winning campaign. But they should make the playoffs in the Weakest Division In Baseball (c). The Brewers will find a way to blow it again, as Ben Sheets comes down with Smallpox or possibly Diphtheria. The Reds should be improved, but they are still the Reds. The Astros hired Ed Wade as their GM, so watch out at the 59 Diner for a phalanx of relievers coming in for the early bird special. The Cards have one pitcher in RF and another pitcher batting eighth, signaling their complete surrender. The Pirates can't even get "Talk Like A Pirate Day" scheduled until they are already out of it by 40 games.
NL West...Diamondbacks. These are the guys who haven't changed their name to be politically correct. I guess they could take out the "Diamond" to be sensitive to African tribal conflicts. They won it last year with a bunch of guys that had to get permission slips from their parents to make road trips. I don't expect them to get any worse. The Padres rid themselves of one Giles brother, but are still subsidizing the other one's declining years for some reason. The Dodgers have Joe Torre, who will suddenly become a much worse manager now that he doesn't have a $200 million payroll. The Rockies, as often happens to World Series losers, will slip back to reality, probably because of a humidor malfunction. The Giants have the worst lineup since Saturday night on ABC in 1976 (Dave Roberts is "Holmes & Yo-Yo", and Ray Durham is "Mr T & Tina").
NL Wild Card...Padres
NL Playoffs...D'Backs beat Phillies, Cubs beat Padres. D'Backs beat Cubs when a female Chicago mental patient dressed as Beatrix Kiddo from "Kill Bill" wielding a samurai sword runs onto the field during Game 7 and causes Fukudome to drop a crucial pop fly. The Cubs bullpen will then give up 18 runs.
AL East...Red Sox. I'm a Yankee despiser going way back, so there doesn't need to be any other reason, but now that Manny is doing yoga, the chakras will be opened up in Fenway like nobody's business. The Yankees will revert to the 70's as Hank Steinbrenner takes full control. He'll try to start a running feud with Bobby Abreu, but unlike Reggie Jackson, Abreu will barely notice, or care. The Rays, who DID change their name to be politically correct, will still not be any good, but they will be better than the Blue Jays and way better than the Orioles, who should change everything about their franchise except their name (and ballpark) immediately.
AL Central...Tigers. The Motor City Kitties went out and got Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins for a bunch of minor leaguers. Detroit hasn't seen a knee-capping like that since Nancy Kerrigan. The Indians (the guys who should really be changing their names), will continue to field a team with a guy nicknamed Pronk. The White Sox will cause manager Ozzie Guillen to finally become unable to utter anything besides unintelligible bilingual profanity. The Twins will discover that the Mets farm system wasn't any good BEFORE they traded Johan Santana to acquire it. The Royals will experience another year in a rebuilding process that began shortly after the retirement of George Brett.
AL West...Angels. No more team name jokes, we've hit our quota. Los Angeles De Los Angeles De Anaheim (ok, one more) has a four-man outfield of Garrett Anderson, Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero, and Gary Matthews, Jr., which would be great if they were playing in a beer league on Tuesday nights, but not so good for the majors. They'll figure it out enough to beat the likes of the Mariners, Athletics and Rangers, who don't have four decent outfielders between them. The Rangers are just hoping George W. Bush doesn't go back to being their owner in his post-White House years.
Al Wild Card...Yankees
AL Playoffs...Red Sox beat Tigers, Angels beat Yankees. Red Sox beat Angels as Sox fans, instead of singing "Sweet Caroline" during the middle of the 8th inning, take to reciting passages of the Bhagavad Gita.
World Series...D'Backs beat Red Sox, despite the fact that the latter parts of the games are past most of their bed times.
NL East....Phillies. Oh, how I hate to make this prediction. I was a Mets fan for the first 22 years of my life, moved to Illinois and became a White Sox fan, moved to Houston and became an Astros fan, and then moved to Pennsylvania and became a Phillies fan. Then Ed Wade hired one too many 40-year old relievers, MLB.tv came into existence, and Brett Myers beat his wife and Phillies President Bill Giles apologized to him for letting her get in the way of his fist, and I went back to being a Mets fan. Then Jimmy Rollins turned into the second coming of Ernie Banks, and the Phillies are good now. Meanwhile, the Mets appear to believe that they are in an over-40 Latino-only league. The Braves have cut costs to the bone and will play Mark Kotsay in CF, who has more back problems than the Mandelbaum family on Seinfeld. The Marlins would LOVE to have the Braves salary structure, and should enjoy some peace and quiet at their home games. The Nats built a new stadium, which if nothing else, should be cheaper than their last new stadium, the Stade Olympique, which Montrealers are still paying for even though it is now used mostly for the occasional Rush concert.
NL Central...Cubs. Ah, the Audacity of Hope! Comically named Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome (the crowd chants Fuk-U!, Fuk-U!) joins this band of chronic fan-letter-downers for their 100th Anniversary non-World-Series-winning campaign. But they should make the playoffs in the Weakest Division In Baseball (c). The Brewers will find a way to blow it again, as Ben Sheets comes down with Smallpox or possibly Diphtheria. The Reds should be improved, but they are still the Reds. The Astros hired Ed Wade as their GM, so watch out at the 59 Diner for a phalanx of relievers coming in for the early bird special. The Cards have one pitcher in RF and another pitcher batting eighth, signaling their complete surrender. The Pirates can't even get "Talk Like A Pirate Day" scheduled until they are already out of it by 40 games.
NL West...Diamondbacks. These are the guys who haven't changed their name to be politically correct. I guess they could take out the "Diamond" to be sensitive to African tribal conflicts. They won it last year with a bunch of guys that had to get permission slips from their parents to make road trips. I don't expect them to get any worse. The Padres rid themselves of one Giles brother, but are still subsidizing the other one's declining years for some reason. The Dodgers have Joe Torre, who will suddenly become a much worse manager now that he doesn't have a $200 million payroll. The Rockies, as often happens to World Series losers, will slip back to reality, probably because of a humidor malfunction. The Giants have the worst lineup since Saturday night on ABC in 1976 (Dave Roberts is "Holmes & Yo-Yo", and Ray Durham is "Mr T & Tina").
NL Wild Card...Padres
NL Playoffs...D'Backs beat Phillies, Cubs beat Padres. D'Backs beat Cubs when a female Chicago mental patient dressed as Beatrix Kiddo from "Kill Bill" wielding a samurai sword runs onto the field during Game 7 and causes Fukudome to drop a crucial pop fly. The Cubs bullpen will then give up 18 runs.
AL East...Red Sox. I'm a Yankee despiser going way back, so there doesn't need to be any other reason, but now that Manny is doing yoga, the chakras will be opened up in Fenway like nobody's business. The Yankees will revert to the 70's as Hank Steinbrenner takes full control. He'll try to start a running feud with Bobby Abreu, but unlike Reggie Jackson, Abreu will barely notice, or care. The Rays, who DID change their name to be politically correct, will still not be any good, but they will be better than the Blue Jays and way better than the Orioles, who should change everything about their franchise except their name (and ballpark) immediately.
AL Central...Tigers. The Motor City Kitties went out and got Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins for a bunch of minor leaguers. Detroit hasn't seen a knee-capping like that since Nancy Kerrigan. The Indians (the guys who should really be changing their names), will continue to field a team with a guy nicknamed Pronk. The White Sox will cause manager Ozzie Guillen to finally become unable to utter anything besides unintelligible bilingual profanity. The Twins will discover that the Mets farm system wasn't any good BEFORE they traded Johan Santana to acquire it. The Royals will experience another year in a rebuilding process that began shortly after the retirement of George Brett.
AL West...Angels. No more team name jokes, we've hit our quota. Los Angeles De Los Angeles De Anaheim (ok, one more) has a four-man outfield of Garrett Anderson, Torii Hunter, Vladimir Guerrero, and Gary Matthews, Jr., which would be great if they were playing in a beer league on Tuesday nights, but not so good for the majors. They'll figure it out enough to beat the likes of the Mariners, Athletics and Rangers, who don't have four decent outfielders between them. The Rangers are just hoping George W. Bush doesn't go back to being their owner in his post-White House years.
Al Wild Card...Yankees
AL Playoffs...Red Sox beat Tigers, Angels beat Yankees. Red Sox beat Angels as Sox fans, instead of singing "Sweet Caroline" during the middle of the 8th inning, take to reciting passages of the Bhagavad Gita.
World Series...D'Backs beat Red Sox, despite the fact that the latter parts of the games are past most of their bed times.
CALIFORNIA DREAMING
The Mets were off last night, and moved up to a half-game behind the Nats, who dropped an extra-inning "Citizens Bank Special" to the Phillies, 8-7.
Meanwhile, I got word that I am headed to Los Angeles during the last week of April and the first week of May, when by happenstance, the Amazin's will be in town. I am so there. Photos and a full accounting of Dodger Dog delectability will follow.
The Braves are up next for a weekend set leading up to the final Opening Day at Shea against Philadelphia.
Meanwhile, I got word that I am headed to Los Angeles during the last week of April and the first week of May, when by happenstance, the Amazin's will be in town. I am so there. Photos and a full accounting of Dodger Dog delectability will follow.
The Braves are up next for a weekend set leading up to the final Opening Day at Shea against Philadelphia.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
WRIGHTING THE SHIP
The Mets improved to 2-1 with a 13-0 smackdown of the Marlins. David Wright singled, doubled, homered, and generally made us all feel goooood. The homer was a majestic objet d'art, with Wright waiting perfectly on a hanging curve from Lee Gardner and making every millimeter of the sweet spot of the bat meet of the baseball. It was a no-doubter even through the blurry haze of MLB.TV.
Carlos Beltran now leads the civilized planet in extra-base hits, adding three more doubles last night. One of the doubles was a home run that crew chief Rick Reed (not the ex-Met scab pitcher) let himself be talked out of. The ball bounced squarely of a railing about three feet beyond the fence and came back into play. Reed initially signalled for a homer, but after a conference with the other blind bats, who were even further from the play than Reed, umping second base, was, he changed it to a double. It's a play replay was made for. Someday, Bud will embrace this new-found video thingy he's heard so much about.
Oliver Perez went six shutout innings, and then Pedro replacement Nelson Figueroa, Pedro Feliciano, and Daddy Wags finished up. Ol' Pete had his MRI in New York, and he'll be out the obligatory "4 to 6 weeks", meaning he'll be back when he's damn well ready. Pedro tends to take his time with pretty much every aspect of his life, so I'm think we'll see him back on the mound in early June. That will leave El Duque and Mike Pelfrey to get way too many starts. Luckily, the Phillies' bullpen is a shambles and the Braves have no pitching after Smoltz and Hudson, so I think we'll muddle through, at least as long as Wright and Beltran stay this molten, anyway. I'll think I'll watch that Wright homer again on the highlight video. Mmm, mmm, gooooood.
Carlos Beltran now leads the civilized planet in extra-base hits, adding three more doubles last night. One of the doubles was a home run that crew chief Rick Reed (not the ex-Met scab pitcher) let himself be talked out of. The ball bounced squarely of a railing about three feet beyond the fence and came back into play. Reed initially signalled for a homer, but after a conference with the other blind bats, who were even further from the play than Reed, umping second base, was, he changed it to a double. It's a play replay was made for. Someday, Bud will embrace this new-found video thingy he's heard so much about.
Oliver Perez went six shutout innings, and then Pedro replacement Nelson Figueroa, Pedro Feliciano, and Daddy Wags finished up. Ol' Pete had his MRI in New York, and he'll be out the obligatory "4 to 6 weeks", meaning he'll be back when he's damn well ready. Pedro tends to take his time with pretty much every aspect of his life, so I'm think we'll see him back on the mound in early June. That will leave El Duque and Mike Pelfrey to get way too many starts. Luckily, the Phillies' bullpen is a shambles and the Braves have no pitching after Smoltz and Hudson, so I think we'll muddle through, at least as long as Wright and Beltran stay this molten, anyway. I'll think I'll watch that Wright homer again on the highlight video. Mmm, mmm, gooooood.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
OH, MY HAMMY!
That didn't go well.
Pedro Martinez' healthy period lasted all of three and one-third innings in 2008. After inducing a grounder from Matt Treanor (how's that name for irony?), Petey grabbed the back of his leg and called out the Mets trainers. ESPN is reporting that he heard a "pop" in his hamstring. It might have been champagne coming from Phillies' and Braves' clubhouses.
Pedro wasn't exactly looking like Johan Santana at the time, ceding homers to Dan Uggla and Luis Gonzalez in his brief stint. According to the fine Marlins broadcast team of Rich Waltz and Tom Seaver-killer Tommy Hutton, Luis Gonzalez is third on the all time list for homers by a left fielder (only Mr. Bonds and Mr. Williams are his betters), which was pretty shocking to me at least. He still throws like a particularly unathletic girl.
The Mets erased a 4-0 deficit to tie the game, mostly with walks, singles, and sac flies. Marlins starter Rick Vandenhurk was no Dutch Master, throwing 76 pitches in 3-plus innings of work and giving up three of the four runs. That left the decision to the bullpens, and both were outstanding. After Renyel Pinto bailed out Vandenhurk in the third inning, the rest of Florida's pen yielded only a questionable infield hit to Brian Schneider for the rest of the game. It's a shame that the Marlins will have to wear these guys' arms out, because they look pretty good when fresh. The Mets pen was equally as good, especially Jorge Sosa, who finished up for Pedro in the third and went two more scoreless frames.
The 4-4 score held until the bottom of the 10th, after I had given up and gone to bed. Fifth Met reliever Matt Wise served up a nice fat one to someone called Robert Andino, who smacked it over the scoreboard in left field for the game-winner. All 27 Marlins fans left at the game drove home through the chowder-like south Florida humidity happy, and the Mets dropped to 1-1.
I was watching the game, as I will most games this year, on MLB.TV. I chose MLB.TV over ExtraInnings from the cable provider because I travel so much. At home, I have a 42" LCD TV, to which I have connected a spare PC in the VGA input of the TV. It works great, and I love being able to check my Strat team's live stats between innings. I bought the Premium package to take advantage of their higher resolutions. This year, they upped the highest resolution to 1.2 megabits, but I ended up watching most of it at 800 kilobits because the 1.2 feed kept freezing up at least twice per half-inning. MLB makes you download some kind of "web accelerator" if you want to watch the 1.2 feed, and as soon as I saw that, I knew it wasn't going to be very good. I can only hope Time-Warner continues to improve their bandwidth up to broadcast quality, because this accelerator business will never cut it. Maybe in 2013 I'll get a decent picture.
The Mets take on the Istiophoridae again today, with Oliver Perez matching left arms with rookie Andrew Miller. Miller is on my Strat team, so I fully expect a thumping from the Mets' bats. I only hope young Andrew can keep it from turning Buerhle-esque.
Pedro Martinez' healthy period lasted all of three and one-third innings in 2008. After inducing a grounder from Matt Treanor (how's that name for irony?), Petey grabbed the back of his leg and called out the Mets trainers. ESPN is reporting that he heard a "pop" in his hamstring. It might have been champagne coming from Phillies' and Braves' clubhouses.
Pedro wasn't exactly looking like Johan Santana at the time, ceding homers to Dan Uggla and Luis Gonzalez in his brief stint. According to the fine Marlins broadcast team of Rich Waltz and Tom Seaver-killer Tommy Hutton, Luis Gonzalez is third on the all time list for homers by a left fielder (only Mr. Bonds and Mr. Williams are his betters), which was pretty shocking to me at least. He still throws like a particularly unathletic girl.
The Mets erased a 4-0 deficit to tie the game, mostly with walks, singles, and sac flies. Marlins starter Rick Vandenhurk was no Dutch Master, throwing 76 pitches in 3-plus innings of work and giving up three of the four runs. That left the decision to the bullpens, and both were outstanding. After Renyel Pinto bailed out Vandenhurk in the third inning, the rest of Florida's pen yielded only a questionable infield hit to Brian Schneider for the rest of the game. It's a shame that the Marlins will have to wear these guys' arms out, because they look pretty good when fresh. The Mets pen was equally as good, especially Jorge Sosa, who finished up for Pedro in the third and went two more scoreless frames.
The 4-4 score held until the bottom of the 10th, after I had given up and gone to bed. Fifth Met reliever Matt Wise served up a nice fat one to someone called Robert Andino, who smacked it over the scoreboard in left field for the game-winner. All 27 Marlins fans left at the game drove home through the chowder-like south Florida humidity happy, and the Mets dropped to 1-1.
I was watching the game, as I will most games this year, on MLB.TV. I chose MLB.TV over ExtraInnings from the cable provider because I travel so much. At home, I have a 42" LCD TV, to which I have connected a spare PC in the VGA input of the TV. It works great, and I love being able to check my Strat team's live stats between innings. I bought the Premium package to take advantage of their higher resolutions. This year, they upped the highest resolution to 1.2 megabits, but I ended up watching most of it at 800 kilobits because the 1.2 feed kept freezing up at least twice per half-inning. MLB makes you download some kind of "web accelerator" if you want to watch the 1.2 feed, and as soon as I saw that, I knew it wasn't going to be very good. I can only hope Time-Warner continues to improve their bandwidth up to broadcast quality, because this accelerator business will never cut it. Maybe in 2013 I'll get a decent picture.
The Mets take on the Istiophoridae again today, with Oliver Perez matching left arms with rookie Andrew Miller. Miller is on my Strat team, so I fully expect a thumping from the Mets' bats. I only hope young Andrew can keep it from turning Buerhle-esque.
Monday, March 31, 2008
OPEN SEASON ON MARLIN
Oh, yeah, you know it, I'm baseball blogging again. I gotta keep this thing on life support. It's how I know I'm alive.
I didn't see today's Mets game, it being an afternoon tilt and me being a person who works at that time. I noticed from ESPN GameCast that the Mets put up a 6-spot in the 4th, with my man crush David Wright capping off the scoring with a bases-clearing double. Johan put in a decent effort, striking out 8 in 7 innings. The bullpen was scoreless, which is a good sign.
The Marlins have Luis Gonzalez. In right field! Dude has an arm like a paraplegic. In my advanced state of decrepitude, I could go first to third on him, on a line drive hit right at him, with me carrying two bowling balls. What are they thinking?
I didn't see today's Mets game, it being an afternoon tilt and me being a person who works at that time. I noticed from ESPN GameCast that the Mets put up a 6-spot in the 4th, with my man crush David Wright capping off the scoring with a bases-clearing double. Johan put in a decent effort, striking out 8 in 7 innings. The bullpen was scoreless, which is a good sign.
The Marlins have Luis Gonzalez. In right field! Dude has an arm like a paraplegic. In my advanced state of decrepitude, I could go first to third on him, on a line drive hit right at him, with me carrying two bowling balls. What are they thinking?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
PINKED
I'm in Hawaii. Again. Yeah, what glamour. I've been spending most of the last week in a 12'x14' box in the middle of a refinery. I'm living the dream.
Anyway, I had a few hours of reprieve today and attended the LPGA Fields Open, which was being held at the resort where I am staying. After arriving, I started following local phenom Michelle Wie's group. Wie had shot 69 on Thursday and 73 on Friday to put herself 10 shots back and playing for a slighty larger share of the scraps awarded to the back end of the field. I stayed to watch Wie for three holes, and it was Vintage Wie.
On the 17th hole, her 8th of the day, Wie hit a fine fairway metal followed by a gorgeous wedge to 3 feet, which put her in position to get back one of the two shots to par she had lost before I got there. Of course, she missed the putt. Next on 18, she snap-hooked her fairway metal into the palm trees, and with me standing yards away, she hooded her mid-iron out of the rough and dropped the ball in the center of the lake in front of the green. After a drop, she pushed her approach shot right and short, nearly dunking it again. She failed to get it up and down from there and took a 7.
On the Par 5 1st, she pulled out The Big Wiesie and smashed a drive about 290 yards. Her approach shot landed in the front bunker, and she nestled her sand shot within 2 feet, finally making a birdie. So, blown three-footer for par, triple bogey, birdie. She's definitely a crowd-pleaser, but not in a good way. At this point, she's the female John Daly, with a flat stomach and without the alcoholic shakes.
After that display I started following the lead group, Jeong Jang, Song-Hee Kim, and Paula Creamer. The photogenic Creamer was the crowd favorite, but to that point, Jang had maintained her one-shot overnight lead and was playing solidly for the first few holes that I saw. Kim, a boyish, tall, thin drink of kimchi, was having a terrible day, 5 over par for the day when I joined the gallery, and was out of contention. The 5'-nothing Jang was actually outdriving the 5'9" Creamer, which was surprising to me anyway. Creamer was wearing a pink rhinestone-studded belt with a matching rhinestone-studded skull and crossbones buckle. The significance of the buckle would become evident to Jang (and me) only later.
Jang and Creamer traded pars until the 14th, a shortish par 5, where both reached the green in two. Creamer just missed an eagle putt, and Jang lagged her eagle try to 3 feet. Both birdied, and the lead remained one, 14 under to 13 under. On the 15th, a short par 4, Creamer and Jang both hit perfect drives, Paul to about 120 yards and JJ to about 100 yards. Creamer left her approach short, and Jang seized the opportunity like a matador facing a tired bull, spinning a wedge to within two feet. Jang buried the birdie after Creamer had missed her chip, and it looked to me like it was over. JJ had plunged the sword into this tournament's heart.
Creamer then hit a decent tee shot on the par 3 16th, leaving herself about a 12-foot birdie putt. I didn't have any confidence in her ability to birdie at this point, having seen her just miss putt after putt since the 5th hole. JJ hit her tee ball short, and lagged to within 3 feet left. Creamer then somehow finally curled her pink ball right into the right side of the cup to cut the lead to one. This was the first roar from the crowd I'd heard all day.
I still thought Paula was playing out the string, and I walked up to the green at 17 to put myself in better position to walk up 18 and to my car. I could see both drives in the fairway, and Creamer once again was away. She hit another pretty good shot to within about 12 feet. Nothing spectacular, but makeable. Jang played safe to the midde of the green to about 15 feet. JJ's approach put drifted right, and she settled for par. Then the injured bull started looking a whole lot more healthy, as Paula drained her birdie putt dead-center. Another big roar, and it's all-square with one to play.
I made my way up 18 and to the green to get a good vantage point. I could see the scorer at 18 leave his laptop and start making his way up the stairs to the big scoreboard as I walked past. I found a decent spot behind the green to watch the finish play out and I heard the crowd gasp and clap as the scorer put up a red "15" on Creamer's line to match Jang's red 15 that she had maintained since the birdie on the 15th hole. By that point, both ladies had reached the other side of the lake that Wie had almost lost two balls in. Creamer was away as usual, and her pink Bridgestone fluttered in, homing in on the cup. It hit softly, and landed to within 5 feet, eliciting the third and loudest roar to date. JJ landed her mid-iron short, rolling just off the right edge. Suddenly, this bull was not only alive, but kicking.
Jang rolled her birdie try three feet past, and it was Paula's turn. A look from behind, a look from the other side of the cup, and couple of short practice putts, and then, quickly, it was over. JJ, now you and I both know what the skull and crossbones were for. I guess Creamer was the matador, and this toro's ears were hers.
Paula Creamer's line on the last five holes: Birdie. Par. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. That's about as spectacular a finish as you'll ever see at any golf tournament, or any sporting event for that matter, at any level. It was a privilege to witness. And, it sure beat sitting in a box all day.
Anyway, I had a few hours of reprieve today and attended the LPGA Fields Open, which was being held at the resort where I am staying. After arriving, I started following local phenom Michelle Wie's group. Wie had shot 69 on Thursday and 73 on Friday to put herself 10 shots back and playing for a slighty larger share of the scraps awarded to the back end of the field. I stayed to watch Wie for three holes, and it was Vintage Wie.
On the 17th hole, her 8th of the day, Wie hit a fine fairway metal followed by a gorgeous wedge to 3 feet, which put her in position to get back one of the two shots to par she had lost before I got there. Of course, she missed the putt. Next on 18, she snap-hooked her fairway metal into the palm trees, and with me standing yards away, she hooded her mid-iron out of the rough and dropped the ball in the center of the lake in front of the green. After a drop, she pushed her approach shot right and short, nearly dunking it again. She failed to get it up and down from there and took a 7.
On the Par 5 1st, she pulled out The Big Wiesie and smashed a drive about 290 yards. Her approach shot landed in the front bunker, and she nestled her sand shot within 2 feet, finally making a birdie. So, blown three-footer for par, triple bogey, birdie. She's definitely a crowd-pleaser, but not in a good way. At this point, she's the female John Daly, with a flat stomach and without the alcoholic shakes.
After that display I started following the lead group, Jeong Jang, Song-Hee Kim, and Paula Creamer. The photogenic Creamer was the crowd favorite, but to that point, Jang had maintained her one-shot overnight lead and was playing solidly for the first few holes that I saw. Kim, a boyish, tall, thin drink of kimchi, was having a terrible day, 5 over par for the day when I joined the gallery, and was out of contention. The 5'-nothing Jang was actually outdriving the 5'9" Creamer, which was surprising to me anyway. Creamer was wearing a pink rhinestone-studded belt with a matching rhinestone-studded skull and crossbones buckle. The significance of the buckle would become evident to Jang (and me) only later.
Jang and Creamer traded pars until the 14th, a shortish par 5, where both reached the green in two. Creamer just missed an eagle putt, and Jang lagged her eagle try to 3 feet. Both birdied, and the lead remained one, 14 under to 13 under. On the 15th, a short par 4, Creamer and Jang both hit perfect drives, Paul to about 120 yards and JJ to about 100 yards. Creamer left her approach short, and Jang seized the opportunity like a matador facing a tired bull, spinning a wedge to within two feet. Jang buried the birdie after Creamer had missed her chip, and it looked to me like it was over. JJ had plunged the sword into this tournament's heart.
Creamer then hit a decent tee shot on the par 3 16th, leaving herself about a 12-foot birdie putt. I didn't have any confidence in her ability to birdie at this point, having seen her just miss putt after putt since the 5th hole. JJ hit her tee ball short, and lagged to within 3 feet left. Creamer then somehow finally curled her pink ball right into the right side of the cup to cut the lead to one. This was the first roar from the crowd I'd heard all day.
I still thought Paula was playing out the string, and I walked up to the green at 17 to put myself in better position to walk up 18 and to my car. I could see both drives in the fairway, and Creamer once again was away. She hit another pretty good shot to within about 12 feet. Nothing spectacular, but makeable. Jang played safe to the midde of the green to about 15 feet. JJ's approach put drifted right, and she settled for par. Then the injured bull started looking a whole lot more healthy, as Paula drained her birdie putt dead-center. Another big roar, and it's all-square with one to play.
I made my way up 18 and to the green to get a good vantage point. I could see the scorer at 18 leave his laptop and start making his way up the stairs to the big scoreboard as I walked past. I found a decent spot behind the green to watch the finish play out and I heard the crowd gasp and clap as the scorer put up a red "15" on Creamer's line to match Jang's red 15 that she had maintained since the birdie on the 15th hole. By that point, both ladies had reached the other side of the lake that Wie had almost lost two balls in. Creamer was away as usual, and her pink Bridgestone fluttered in, homing in on the cup. It hit softly, and landed to within 5 feet, eliciting the third and loudest roar to date. JJ landed her mid-iron short, rolling just off the right edge. Suddenly, this bull was not only alive, but kicking.
Jang rolled her birdie try three feet past, and it was Paula's turn. A look from behind, a look from the other side of the cup, and couple of short practice putts, and then, quickly, it was over. JJ, now you and I both know what the skull and crossbones were for. I guess Creamer was the matador, and this toro's ears were hers.
Paula Creamer's line on the last five holes: Birdie. Par. Birdie. Birdie. Birdie. That's about as spectacular a finish as you'll ever see at any golf tournament, or any sporting event for that matter, at any level. It was a privilege to witness. And, it sure beat sitting in a box all day.
Friday, February 15, 2008
A.B.B - DAY 262
REPUBLICANS
John McCain - He's won it. Quit nibbling at his ankles, Huck, it's over. The Republicans design their primaries to get an early winner, and McCain was the beneficiary. I pretty much blew this call. I didn't see the GOP hard-liners allowing this to happen, but I guess they have no choice. The rest of the party wants at least a chance to win, and they wouldn't get that with Romney or Huckabee. How will Mac do? I don't think he beats Obama, but he could barely beat Hillary.
DEMOCRATS
Barack Obama - Well, call me oh-for-2. It appears the Democrats are leaning towards Obama now, and I thought he had maybe a 25% chance of getting the nomination the last time I did an A.B.B. He still has to do well in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Texas, but if he does, Hillary can kiss Bill good night, if she can find him.
Hillary Clinton - On the other hand, Ms. Clinton is capable of some down and dirtiness the likes of which even Karl Rove would approve. It's not over, but she best get to it.
Next big highlight - I get to vote! If my Texas absentee ballot ever shows up, that is.
John McCain - He's won it. Quit nibbling at his ankles, Huck, it's over. The Republicans design their primaries to get an early winner, and McCain was the beneficiary. I pretty much blew this call. I didn't see the GOP hard-liners allowing this to happen, but I guess they have no choice. The rest of the party wants at least a chance to win, and they wouldn't get that with Romney or Huckabee. How will Mac do? I don't think he beats Obama, but he could barely beat Hillary.
DEMOCRATS
Barack Obama - Well, call me oh-for-2. It appears the Democrats are leaning towards Obama now, and I thought he had maybe a 25% chance of getting the nomination the last time I did an A.B.B. He still has to do well in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Texas, but if he does, Hillary can kiss Bill good night, if she can find him.
Hillary Clinton - On the other hand, Ms. Clinton is capable of some down and dirtiness the likes of which even Karl Rove would approve. It's not over, but she best get to it.
Next big highlight - I get to vote! If my Texas absentee ballot ever shows up, that is.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
TOP TEN IDEAS FOR THE NEW CONGRESSIONAL ECONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE
10. Everybody gets a Bridge to Nowhere!
9. Unemployed to get government jobs photographing Britney.
8. All CEOs to get a tax increase - Ha! We're just kidding! I mean, that's crazy talk.
7. For every job shipped to India, we get 10 gallons of chutney.
6. Sell A-Rod to the Chinese.
5. Use Warrantless Wiretapping Program to hack Bill Gates' bank account.
4. State of Arkansas Yard Sale.
3. Ladies of the 110th Congress Nude Calendar.
2. $500 bounty if you turn in an illegal alien - two problems solved at once!
And the number one idea for the new congressional economic stimulus package is:
1. Take the Giants and the points for $1 trillion.
9. Unemployed to get government jobs photographing Britney.
8. All CEOs to get a tax increase - Ha! We're just kidding! I mean, that's crazy talk.
7. For every job shipped to India, we get 10 gallons of chutney.
6. Sell A-Rod to the Chinese.
5. Use Warrantless Wiretapping Program to hack Bill Gates' bank account.
4. State of Arkansas Yard Sale.
3. Ladies of the 110th Congress Nude Calendar.
2. $500 bounty if you turn in an illegal alien - two problems solved at once!
And the number one idea for the new congressional economic stimulus package is:
1. Take the Giants and the points for $1 trillion.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
A.B.B. - 305
I started this at 1000 days, and we're down to 305. Talk about the audacity of hope! We're also on the verge of some votin', or caucusin' ("caucusin' by caucasians" - sounds like a Daily Show chiron) as it were, so it's again time to have a look at the would-be White House occupants:
REPUBLICANS
Mike Huckabee - As predicted here (you'll see that a lot - I like to gloat), the Huckster has become the default choice of the GOP base. He's ahead by a corn husk in Iowa and nationally, and moving up everywhere else. He's showing unmistakeable signs of cracking under the pressure, though. He's gotten a little petty and mean-spirited at times, and from what I've read, his staff doesn't seem to know what they are doing, which has reflected badly on him in the press. His lack of funds will be exposed after Iowa and New Hampshire. He can't possibly compete with Romney and Rudy for TV time in the Super Tuesday states. I don't think he can win by delegate count alone. It may actually come down to Minneapolis in September. Former Newt Gingrich staffer Tony Blankley has said publicly on two occasions that he is booking extra hotel rooms for the convention to facilitate deal-making. As the only faith-based candidate, Huck will get more than his due should it come down to that.
Rudy Giuliani - His fall in the polls has been precipitous, as predicted here. The scandal that got him good was the revelation that he had taxpayers pay for his extra-marital trysts with Judith Nathan. Joe Biden's line about "noun-verb-9/11" really nailed him, too. He's still got plenty of oil money, and he's cruising in New York, California, and Florida. At the very least he'll be in the mix on Super Tuesday.
Mitt Romney - The Well-Coiffed Latter-Day Saint is spending furiously to ensure a victory in Iowa, and he has a thin lead in New Hampshire. Like Rudy, he'll be around come February 5th with an unprecedented ad blitz covering all 22 states and all Democrats abroad. Knowing him, he'll have his message translated into 100 different languages and beamed to every TV station in the developed world. The man wants to win, which is half the battle, I guess.
John McCain - Mac is banking on a strong third in Iowa, where he rarely appeared, and a second win in New Hampshire to propel him ahead of Rudy and Romney as the moderate alternative to Huck. I don't see how anybody can make their living in the GOP as the moderate anything. Worst-case is that he finshes fourth in Iowa, second in New Hampshire, and all of the money runs out. This seems more likely.
Fred Thompson - Freddie is barely hanging on as a major candidate. The only way his campaign resurrects is with a win in South Carolina, where he is currently running third. Don't get too comfortable in that D.A.'s chair, Sam Waterston.
The Field - Ron Paul, Duncan Hunter. Paul is mysteriously raising big cash on the Internet, but he's not a Republican in anything other than name, and will not get the nomination. Hunter needs to crawl back under his rock and go away.
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton - She still leads by a huge margin nationally and in New York, Florida, and California, and I still think she will be the nominee, but the whole inevitability thing has nearly vanished. It started with that press release about all the boys ganging up on her in the debates. What a dumb mistake that was by her campaign. Bill has pretty much taken over after that, and things have smoothed out, but Iowa may very easily go to Edwards or Obama, and New Hampshire is also very close. I doubt either of these results will have a bearing on the big three states or the Super Tuesday states, but once she starts ending up second or third, it could become a habit. It seems like a lot of Dems are trying to think of a reason not to vote for her.
Barack Obama - Well, I predicted that the party had given up on him as lacking experience, but he's held things together well in Iowa, is moving up nationally, and has emerged as the clear alternative to the Pantsuit. He's got to do a lot better in the big three states, though. If he could win California, it could turn the whole thing around, but so far, there are no signs of that happening. A win in South Carolina could help, and he is improving rapidly there. I'd say he has maybe a 25% chance of breaking through, which is a lot better than a few months ago.
John Edwards - He will follow up his win or second in Iowa with some really ugly results in New Hampshire, Michigan, and South Carolina, and then he'll be done, with a Veep spot a possibility. Pretty much the same as last time.
The Field - Joe Biden, Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich. Iowa will be their last chance to kiss babies for a while. It's a three-person race now, and will be a two-person race by Super Tuesday.
INDEPENDENTS
Michael Bloomberg - Arianna Huffington says he's going to run, and he certainly has the money. At this point, his chances are nil, but Perot got 20% of the vote running against a sitting president, and he was balls-out insane.
REPUBLICANS
Mike Huckabee - As predicted here (you'll see that a lot - I like to gloat), the Huckster has become the default choice of the GOP base. He's ahead by a corn husk in Iowa and nationally, and moving up everywhere else. He's showing unmistakeable signs of cracking under the pressure, though. He's gotten a little petty and mean-spirited at times, and from what I've read, his staff doesn't seem to know what they are doing, which has reflected badly on him in the press. His lack of funds will be exposed after Iowa and New Hampshire. He can't possibly compete with Romney and Rudy for TV time in the Super Tuesday states. I don't think he can win by delegate count alone. It may actually come down to Minneapolis in September. Former Newt Gingrich staffer Tony Blankley has said publicly on two occasions that he is booking extra hotel rooms for the convention to facilitate deal-making. As the only faith-based candidate, Huck will get more than his due should it come down to that.
Rudy Giuliani - His fall in the polls has been precipitous, as predicted here. The scandal that got him good was the revelation that he had taxpayers pay for his extra-marital trysts with Judith Nathan. Joe Biden's line about "noun-verb-9/11" really nailed him, too. He's still got plenty of oil money, and he's cruising in New York, California, and Florida. At the very least he'll be in the mix on Super Tuesday.
Mitt Romney - The Well-Coiffed Latter-Day Saint is spending furiously to ensure a victory in Iowa, and he has a thin lead in New Hampshire. Like Rudy, he'll be around come February 5th with an unprecedented ad blitz covering all 22 states and all Democrats abroad. Knowing him, he'll have his message translated into 100 different languages and beamed to every TV station in the developed world. The man wants to win, which is half the battle, I guess.
John McCain - Mac is banking on a strong third in Iowa, where he rarely appeared, and a second win in New Hampshire to propel him ahead of Rudy and Romney as the moderate alternative to Huck. I don't see how anybody can make their living in the GOP as the moderate anything. Worst-case is that he finshes fourth in Iowa, second in New Hampshire, and all of the money runs out. This seems more likely.
Fred Thompson - Freddie is barely hanging on as a major candidate. The only way his campaign resurrects is with a win in South Carolina, where he is currently running third. Don't get too comfortable in that D.A.'s chair, Sam Waterston.
The Field - Ron Paul, Duncan Hunter. Paul is mysteriously raising big cash on the Internet, but he's not a Republican in anything other than name, and will not get the nomination. Hunter needs to crawl back under his rock and go away.
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton - She still leads by a huge margin nationally and in New York, Florida, and California, and I still think she will be the nominee, but the whole inevitability thing has nearly vanished. It started with that press release about all the boys ganging up on her in the debates. What a dumb mistake that was by her campaign. Bill has pretty much taken over after that, and things have smoothed out, but Iowa may very easily go to Edwards or Obama, and New Hampshire is also very close. I doubt either of these results will have a bearing on the big three states or the Super Tuesday states, but once she starts ending up second or third, it could become a habit. It seems like a lot of Dems are trying to think of a reason not to vote for her.
Barack Obama - Well, I predicted that the party had given up on him as lacking experience, but he's held things together well in Iowa, is moving up nationally, and has emerged as the clear alternative to the Pantsuit. He's got to do a lot better in the big three states, though. If he could win California, it could turn the whole thing around, but so far, there are no signs of that happening. A win in South Carolina could help, and he is improving rapidly there. I'd say he has maybe a 25% chance of breaking through, which is a lot better than a few months ago.
John Edwards - He will follow up his win or second in Iowa with some really ugly results in New Hampshire, Michigan, and South Carolina, and then he'll be done, with a Veep spot a possibility. Pretty much the same as last time.
The Field - Joe Biden, Bill Richardson, Chris Dodd, Dennis Kucinich. Iowa will be their last chance to kiss babies for a while. It's a three-person race now, and will be a two-person race by Super Tuesday.
INDEPENDENTS
Michael Bloomberg - Arianna Huffington says he's going to run, and he certainly has the money. At this point, his chances are nil, but Perot got 20% of the vote running against a sitting president, and he was balls-out insane.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
NYAH, NYAH, NYAH NYAH NYAH!
I have the rest of the year off, and you don't!
The flip side is, I'm so brain-stupefyingly bored, I'm posting an entry in this blog. And, you probably do have the rest of the year off, because only people under 22 read random blogs of people they don't know.
Well, I'm not sure what that proved, but I only have 12 days and 16 hours until I have something to do again.
The flip side is, I'm so brain-stupefyingly bored, I'm posting an entry in this blog. And, you probably do have the rest of the year off, because only people under 22 read random blogs of people they don't know.
Well, I'm not sure what that proved, but I only have 12 days and 16 hours until I have something to do again.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
OF ALL THE STORIES IN THE WORLD...
I guess Google News knows me better than I know myself...also, doesn't it figure that she'd be born in a Hindu nation?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
SHINY HAPPY LOCAL NEWS PEOPLE
Hey, it wasn't her fault they played the "cat-who-can-play-the-violin" story right before this one.
Monday, October 08, 2007
FLYING THE 'SEAT ASSIGNMENTS MEAN NOTHING' SKIES
Yeah, that would be USAirways. I'm on my bajillionth trip to Hawaii in the past year, and only Useless Air has the balls to ask me to sit in a middle seat because some dufus didn't bother to plan ahead and reserve seats next to their kid. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute a crooked spine on my part. This is twice now in two trips this has happened. If your reservation system doesn't work, don't ask me to inconvenience myself so that you can look good. And if you are bringing your snot-nosed little brat, BOOK IN ADVANCE!
Elsewhere, I like to play Spot The Newlyweds in the gate area. There's a guy in a backward Braves cap and a woman wearing sweats. Bingo! It's like the brides can't wait to rip off that dress and get into something with an elastic waist band.
Oh, there's no way I'm ever seeing my luggage again. I can feel it.
Elsewhere, I like to play Spot The Newlyweds in the gate area. There's a guy in a backward Braves cap and a woman wearing sweats. Bingo! It's like the brides can't wait to rip off that dress and get into something with an elastic waist band.
Oh, there's no way I'm ever seeing my luggage again. I can feel it.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR
As many of you (or any of you, if there are any of you) may know, I re-established my Met fandom last year after Phillies Managing General Partner Bill Giles told a reporter that Brett Myers wasn't beating his wife, he was trying to help her. Brett Myers was in fact beating his wife, exposing himself and Giles as the criminals and villains that they are.
In any event, I started rooting for the Mets again, and in the year and a half since, I have experienced a crushing Game 7 NLCS defeat at the hands of the Cardinals and now the worst September collapse in MLB history.
Yup, these are the Mets. I remember them well.
In any event, I started rooting for the Mets again, and in the year and a half since, I have experienced a crushing Game 7 NLCS defeat at the hands of the Cardinals and now the worst September collapse in MLB history.
Yup, these are the Mets. I remember them well.
A.B.B - DAY 398
Summer has ended, time to see what's happenin' (as Raj, Dwayne, Rerun and the always formidable Dee would say) with the Anybody But Bush crowd.
REPUBLICANS
1. Rudy Giuliani - Hanging on to first place by the skin of his falsies, Rudy continues to pray that every day was 9/11 (only a year away, big guy!). America's Mayor has withstood some Swift-Boating from the NYFD, but look for more as the primaries approach. He made it through the summer without any huge hemhorrages, only the usual Giuliani stuff, you know, minor scandals involving various former aides and supporters that never gained any real traction. "I will make you safer," is his mantra, and he's sticking with it.
2. Fred Thompson - He's in! Just ask Jay Leno. Ol' Fred joins up just in time to win the NASCAR Dad, or as I like to call it, the Rednecks Turning (And Always Were To Begin With) Right vote. Boy, I've never seen such a pair of Republican shams as these two guys. At least Reagan actually believed his bullshit, as much as a guy like Reagan could understand what the puppet-handlers around him were telling him to think. Fred, like Rudy, belongs at a tony Manhattan or LA dinner party more than he does kissing babies and/or pigs at the Iowa State Fair (maybe that's why Fred missed this years'.) It should be fascinating to see to what depths of folksiness these guys will be willing to go to get the nomination.
3. Mitt Romney - Things aren't looking good for Mitt, despite his store-bought win at the Iowa Straw Poll. The creepy spectre of Mormonism haunts his every move, and it didn't help that he thinks his five miltary-aged sons are serving the country by working for their Dad's election campaign. He clarified his stance on abortion rights by saying that he was for them before he was against them. Nice going, John, er Mitt!
4. Mike Huckabee - He's still my dark horse. Every time I see him, he makes more and more sense, which isn't necessarily good for a presidential candidate, but it is refreshing. Yeah, I know, he said via Wolf Blitzer-inspired hand gesture that he doesn't believe in evolution, but what he meant was that he didn't think that evolution was strictly a natural phenomenon with no divine intervention, which is a mainstream view.
5. John McCain - Wow, he's behind Huckabee now (well, to me he is). Big Mac is out of cash and bereft of ideas, aside from The Surge Is Working, and it looks like he won't be retaining Karl Rove's services.
6. The Field - Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback, Duncan Hunter, Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore. None of these guys have done anything to distinguish themselves, aside from maybe Paul, whose Libertarianism appeals to Hollywood types, at least enough to pat him on the head. I'm surprised at Brownback. I kept hearing all this hype that he was primed and ready and a darling of the base, but he keeps polling in the low single digits. Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
DEMOCRATS
1. Hillary Clinton - The Democrats seem to have settled on Hill to wear the pants(uit) for them in '08, which also surprises me. At this point, she'd have to fuck it up pretty bad to not get the nomination. She leads in every state poll and in the overall polls, often by wide margins (although, ominously, Iowa is close). I guess Obama still has a chance, with all that Internet cash he has, but it appears that the party has listened and turned away. 2008 will be an historic, and historically ugly, political year.
2. Barack Obama - Not Enough Experience. The verdict is in, and when you reach a conclusion like that, a few more months isn't going to help. Hillary could still blow it (no, Bill, it's not what you are hoping for), but I doubt it. He would make a hell of a Veep.
3. John Edwards - $400 Haircut has been reduced to the fallback's fallback, and a weak one at that.
4. Al Gore - What's he doing here? Well, he's running ahead of Edwards nationally, and would definitely give Hillary a coronary if he joined. We should be seeing "An Inconvenient Truth" on basic cable any day now, which should only help his chances. I simply can't believe he can keep himself away, not with Hillary about to go through a nuclear holocaust of right-wing sexist rage that could set the Democratic Party back from a presidential perspective for at least 20 years and in the South possibly forever.
5. The Field - Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich. Dodd is the only grown-up of the bunch (sorry, Dennis, but you are pretty short). Biden foams at the mouth and never shuts up, Richardson is a future cabinet member, Gravel is wacky (although I like most of what he says), and Kucinich is left of Hugo Chavez. Given that, even Dodd's odds are still near zero.
REPUBLICANS
1. Rudy Giuliani - Hanging on to first place by the skin of his falsies, Rudy continues to pray that every day was 9/11 (only a year away, big guy!). America's Mayor has withstood some Swift-Boating from the NYFD, but look for more as the primaries approach. He made it through the summer without any huge hemhorrages, only the usual Giuliani stuff, you know, minor scandals involving various former aides and supporters that never gained any real traction. "I will make you safer," is his mantra, and he's sticking with it.
2. Fred Thompson - He's in! Just ask Jay Leno. Ol' Fred joins up just in time to win the NASCAR Dad, or as I like to call it, the Rednecks Turning (And Always Were To Begin With) Right vote. Boy, I've never seen such a pair of Republican shams as these two guys. At least Reagan actually believed his bullshit, as much as a guy like Reagan could understand what the puppet-handlers around him were telling him to think. Fred, like Rudy, belongs at a tony Manhattan or LA dinner party more than he does kissing babies and/or pigs at the Iowa State Fair (maybe that's why Fred missed this years'.) It should be fascinating to see to what depths of folksiness these guys will be willing to go to get the nomination.
3. Mitt Romney - Things aren't looking good for Mitt, despite his store-bought win at the Iowa Straw Poll. The creepy spectre of Mormonism haunts his every move, and it didn't help that he thinks his five miltary-aged sons are serving the country by working for their Dad's election campaign. He clarified his stance on abortion rights by saying that he was for them before he was against them. Nice going, John, er Mitt!
4. Mike Huckabee - He's still my dark horse. Every time I see him, he makes more and more sense, which isn't necessarily good for a presidential candidate, but it is refreshing. Yeah, I know, he said via Wolf Blitzer-inspired hand gesture that he doesn't believe in evolution, but what he meant was that he didn't think that evolution was strictly a natural phenomenon with no divine intervention, which is a mainstream view.
5. John McCain - Wow, he's behind Huckabee now (well, to me he is). Big Mac is out of cash and bereft of ideas, aside from The Surge Is Working, and it looks like he won't be retaining Karl Rove's services.
6. The Field - Tom Tancredo, Sam Brownback, Duncan Hunter, Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore. None of these guys have done anything to distinguish themselves, aside from maybe Paul, whose Libertarianism appeals to Hollywood types, at least enough to pat him on the head. I'm surprised at Brownback. I kept hearing all this hype that he was primed and ready and a darling of the base, but he keeps polling in the low single digits. Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
DEMOCRATS
1. Hillary Clinton - The Democrats seem to have settled on Hill to wear the pants(uit) for them in '08, which also surprises me. At this point, she'd have to fuck it up pretty bad to not get the nomination. She leads in every state poll and in the overall polls, often by wide margins (although, ominously, Iowa is close). I guess Obama still has a chance, with all that Internet cash he has, but it appears that the party has listened and turned away. 2008 will be an historic, and historically ugly, political year.
2. Barack Obama - Not Enough Experience. The verdict is in, and when you reach a conclusion like that, a few more months isn't going to help. Hillary could still blow it (no, Bill, it's not what you are hoping for), but I doubt it. He would make a hell of a Veep.
3. John Edwards - $400 Haircut has been reduced to the fallback's fallback, and a weak one at that.
4. Al Gore - What's he doing here? Well, he's running ahead of Edwards nationally, and would definitely give Hillary a coronary if he joined. We should be seeing "An Inconvenient Truth" on basic cable any day now, which should only help his chances. I simply can't believe he can keep himself away, not with Hillary about to go through a nuclear holocaust of right-wing sexist rage that could set the Democratic Party back from a presidential perspective for at least 20 years and in the South possibly forever.
5. The Field - Joe Biden, Chris Dodd, Bill Richardson, Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich. Dodd is the only grown-up of the bunch (sorry, Dennis, but you are pretty short). Biden foams at the mouth and never shuts up, Richardson is a future cabinet member, Gravel is wacky (although I like most of what he says), and Kucinich is left of Hugo Chavez. Given that, even Dodd's odds are still near zero.
NOT THE MICHELIN GUIDE
I've finally decided to write about my many travels, but I'm going to do it in the form of a travel guide. I'll list a bunch of topics, and rate each destination by each topic. You'll figure it out...
BEST HOTELS
1. JW Marriott, Ko Olina Resort, Ko Olina, HI. I love my job. Any job where I get to blog while looking at the ocean right outside the window is my kind of job. Hey, there's the ocean now! That's a lot of water. Maybe I'll catch the sunset...that was nice. Seriously, the Ko Olina, as the guys at the refinery call it, is pretty damned special, as are the prices, if by special you mean "Holy Shit that's expensive!" And for most people, absolutely nothing is included! The rooms are the best rooms I've ever seen, with a humongous bathroom with a glass shower and two sinks. The food at the Naupaka Terrace Café leaves a lot to be desired. It's basically Sodexho Marriott cafeteria food at ridiculous prices. They also have a fancy Mexican restaurant (Azul) and a Japanese place (Ushio-Tei), neither of which I’ve tried. You’re better off going over to Roy's, a high-end national chain with an eclectic menu which is on the property of the adjacent golf course (18 holes = you need to fill out a loan application). Roy's is the best food I've ever eaten in my entire life, and that includes my mother's cooking after 6 months of dorm food. The hotel has a nice little breakfast bar in the morning, but again, everything including the formerly free coffee is pricey. I wish the gym would open earlier (it opens at 6 am), since I am usually up by 4:30 because of the jet lag, and I have to be in the refinery by 7 am. The company I work for gets free parking and internet. Without that, they wouldn't let me stay here, I think.
2. Arizona Biltmore, Phoenix, AZ. The Biltmore is a Frank Lloyd Wright paradise in the desert. I love Wright's designs, and this place is as spectacular as it must have been when it opened in the 20’s. The opulence of the place is stunning, with huge fountains, putting greens, a life-sized chess board, hand carved statues, and intricate stonework everywhere throughout the site. We drove by Lynda Carter’s house, "Woman In Tights", which is just off the property, as is Paul Harvey's (no name given, although I’m sure if it has one, it has something to do with Gold Bond Medicated Powder). I was fortunate enough to play both of the golf courses, which are no longer owned by the Biltmore, but are just as gorgeous. The big downside of the place is that for the unwashed who actually drive their cars in, the parking garage is halfway to Scottsdale. I was there for a conference where all the meals were provided, so I didn’t try any of the restaurants, and I was too busy golfing to swing by the gym.
3. The Lodges at Deer Valley, Park City, UT. The Lodges is set at the base of a ski resort in Park City, affording spectacular views of the surrounding mountains. The rooms are very large, almost suites, and unlike many high-end, full-service joints, they provide a fridge and a microwave (what a concept, JW!). One weird thing was that you had to walk through the parking garage to get to your section of the hotel, which if I was driving I wouldn’t have minded. For this particular conference, though, I had my transportation provided, so it seemed unnecessary that I had to dodge rental cars in the garage just to find my room. All my meals were provided, so I can't say much about the restaurants. I saw a gym and an outdoor pool with jacuzzi, neither of which was able to get to. They had a nice little Starbucks Robo-Barista machine in the "General Store" behind the Front Desk, which was handy. The overall vibe of the place was old time Alpine Ski Lodge, which was strange in the summer, but it was nice enough that I’m looking forward to going back next year.
4. Marriott Copley Place, Boston, MA. At thirty-four floors, it is the tallest hotel I've stayed at for more than one night. They have a Starbucks, so score one for them. The gym was huge, but still full (damn those Boston travelers, always staying in shape). The room was tiny, but well-appointed. I didn’t try the restaurants because the conference I was at provided all the meals. The hotel is connected to the Shops at Copley, which is connected to the Prudential Center and the Hynes Convention Center, plus it is right on top of a T stop. Don't use that T stop to go to Fenway, though, like I did. It's two changes and lots of walking from the park. Use the Copley station across Copley Square, which is on the same line and only two stations from the Fenway Park Kenmore Square stop. I did get to meet 500 of the sweatiest 20-somethings Boston has offer, so that was nice.
5. Concord Hilton, Concord, CA. I only stayed here once, but it was nice. The breakfast was excellent, they have free parking, and there is an outdoor mall within easy walking distance with at least five restaurants and a bunch of shops. It's another full-service hotel, so not many freebies. They have a Starbucks shop right in the lobby, so I would live here if I could. I didn't try the gym there, but they have one.
6. Marriot Lincolnshire Resort, Lincolnshire, IL. This place looks like it was built in the 50's to accommodate families making cross-country trips in wood-paneled station wagons. The hotel building itself is mostly wood-paneled and low-slung (only three stories), and the resort has just about everything on the grounds, including horseback riding, tennis, golf, and even a drama theatre! The hallways go on forever and then branch out and go on some more. I spent almost 48 hours never leaving the hotel, it had so much stuff in it. This is another hotel with a Starbucks on site, although the barista was an annoying amateur comedian, and he shuts it down around 2 pm.
7. Embassy Suites North, Phoenix, AZ. It looks like a sprawling adobe Motel 6 from the street, but it's actually pretty sweet. They have a Cajun-themed restaurant, and a lobby that puts more expensive hotels to shame. The gym isn't bad, and the suites are huge.
8. Homewood Suites, Houston, TX. Pretty standard, run-of-the-mill extended-stay place, but they do everything well. They have a pantry, and the free hot breakfast was more than expected. The suites are good size, with a kitchen.
9. Residence Inn, Foxborough, MA. It's the Homewood Suites with none of the proceeds going to support Paris Hilton's coke habit. Nothing special, but more than adequate.
10. Embassy Suites, Walnut Creek, CA. I hate this place's parking garage! It's in the basement, and every space has a pole on one side or the other that is holding up the building. I brushed one with my rental car, and the company had to pay $500. They do have suites, and the food isn't bad. The breakfast is free, and it's a pretty good selection of stuff. There's a nice little outdoor "main street"-type mall up the road with a Greek restaurant and a coffee shop. The gym sucks, with only some crappy treadmills.
11. Uptown Motel, Kenai, AK. I was expecting an utter shit hole, so I was pleasantly surprised. The rooms are small but serviceable, and the wireless high speed internet is the best on the planet. No logging in to a stupid hotel firewall or anything, just boot up and go, and it's really fast. There is a semi-attached restaurant, Louie's, where the food is spectacular. The portions are so huge, though, that I can only eat there once a visit. Forget about a gym. You're happy just to stay un-frozen. You could go running, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might get raped by a moose. Or a north sloper.
12. Best Western Seven Seas, Mandan, ND. What can you say, it's a Best Western. They have a bed, a bathroom, and the old “Sanitized For Your Protection” seal. The restaurant was full of hearty Midwestern fare, and this hotel comes with, incongruously, a Water Park. I was there in August, and it was till too cold to swim, so, like, when isn't it?
13. Fidalgo Country Inn, Anacortes, WA. Another place with an improbable pool. It has great views of Puget Sound, and our refinery, but not much else going for it. The wireless Internet didn't work in my room. How hard is it to buy another router? Jeez louise, this is supposed to be Microsoft country. There was a restaurant in the same parking lot that was pretty lousy, and they also had a convenience store and not one but two drive-through espresso islands. There isn't much up in this neck of the woods, so you have to take whatever you can get.
14. Hilton Hawaiian Village, Honolulu, HI. The hotel itself isn't bad at all, but the location, right on Waikiki Beach, is terrible. You have to drive through about 6 million cars on narrow two-lane streets to get to and from it, and I was so exhausted after the commute back and forth from Kapolei that I barely had time to eat before I crashed. They have a bunch of nice little restaurants in the Village, and the rooms and amenities are great. You have to pay for internet and parking, and the gym is $10 a day. Forget it. I'd rather flab up for a week.
15. Hyatt Regency Waikiki, Honolulu, HI. This may be the worst nice hotel ever. They have two 40-story towers, and of course, they don't tell you which room numbers are in which towers. You get to do that coin-flipping experiment yourself. The parking garage is a nightmare – narrow and tall, and you have to go up six floors until you get to the self-parking. On top of that, it is across the street from the hotel, and there is no footbridge, so you must go down to the street and cross in the heavy Waikiki traffic. I ate at the "Terrace Bar" restaurant, and birds almost ran off with my meal. And it's 30 miles from the refinery, through more heavy traffic. I left after one night and checked in at the Ihilani.
16. Extended Stay America, Phoenix, AZ. Stay the fuck away. I mean it. What a disaster. They do throw in the mildew stains for free, so that's something. Never again.
BEST AIRLINES
1. Continental. The non-stop from Houston to Honolulu is about as comfortable as being locked in a flying death-cage for 8 hours can be. You get meals and in-seat entertainment, and the stews mostly leave you alone to sleep. I have tons of frequent flyer miles with these guys, so I don't want to write anything negative they might read.
2. Southwest. I hate having to line up to get a decent seat, but Southwest is one of the only airlines that acts like they actually care about what they are doing. They have this sense of urgency that the rest of them haven’t even heard of. They get the planes turned around like their hair is on fire, and everybody you meet is friendly and knowledgeable. If only they had more room in the cabins, but then again, none of them do anymore.
3. United. I like the CRJ-700 flights that I can take direct out of San Antonio to SFO, Phoenix, and eventually, Salt Lake and Los Angeles. They are a little cramped, but it beats changing planes. Other than that, United is unremarkable.
4. Era Aviation. They fly a little DeHavilland Dash-8 from Anchorage to Kenai, Alaska every hour or so. Nothing fancy, but efficient and timely. You get the pre-flight safety talk directly from the pilot.
5. Delta/Skywest. They really aren’t much better than Northwest, but at least they fly into Salt Lake directly. I remember Delta from my youth, flying into Atlanta on the way to Florida. I think they still use the same planes.
6. US Airways/America West/Mesa. I take these guys to Phoenix if United or Southwest isn't available. God, do they suck. They are just playing out the string until they finally are allowed to merge with United. They were the first and only ones so far to lose my luggage! Congratulations.
7. Northwest. Absolute worst. I fly Northwest to Alaska via Minneapolis. They charge for everything, and you get no in-flight entertainment of any kind, even audio! The only good part is I get Elite Access status because they have an agreement with Continental, or otherwise, these flights would be completely intolerable.
BEST AIRPORTS
1. Minneapolis/St. Paul (MSP). No, it isn't for the bathroom cruising, you sicko. I like MSP because of the central food court/mall. They have practically everything in there, including an iPod vending machine. Even the longest walk from concourse to concourse isn't that far, and it routes you through the food court/mall, which is very bright, open, airy and convenient. It beats having to eat at one of the satellite concourses that you see in most airports that are very hit and miss. Yup, I take a wide stance on MSP (maybe that should be the new slogan)!
2. Phoenix Sky Harbor International (PHX). Pretty much everything is great about PHX, (including the name "Sky Harbor") as long as you stick with Continental and Southwest. The luggage carousels are all modern and roomy, the rental car place is centrally located so you don't have to drive all over looking for your car company, and the concourses have plenty of good eating places. The United terminal SUCKS though; it's old and cramped and the security set-up is totally inefficient.
3. Baltimore/Washington International (BWI). This is an oldie but a goodie for me, since I used it a lot when I was in Philly. The Southwest terminal is almost completely new, looks great, and is very convenient and comfortable.
4. San Francisco International (SFO). The rental car dropoff place at SFO pisses me off because the sign comes up way too late and you end up having to drive around 18 cloverleafs to get back. Other than that, it’s pretty good. This is another central rental car place, and this once has a train, which is nicer than the stupid shuttle bus, I think. They have a killer soup place that serves fresh sourdough rolls in the United terminal, plus a place called "Just Desserts".
5. Bismarck Municipal (BIS). Wow, what a cool airport! I wish they could all be this nice, only in big cities and larger. They have free wireless, and the whole place is wood paneled and brand-spanking new.
6. Anchorage International (ANC). ANC is a nice homey little airport, with high vaulted ceilings and a pleasant restaurant that overlooks Prince William Sound. It's under re-construction on the inside (unlike on the outside, which would describe every other airport in America), so it's kind of messy. I love seeing the North Slope roughnecks in line for their flights. They crap guys like me.
7. Honolulu International (HNL). Overall, it's not that bad. The concourses are mostly open-air, which is pretty strange and exotic, they have a restaurant where they serve a melt-in-your-mouth polish sausage with sauerkraut, and security is always a breeze. However…the rental car place is a clusterfuck. I mean, a place like Hawaii doesn't have Hertz Gold Club or National Emerald Aisle? I'm going to get run over in that rental car parking lot one of these times. Bringing the car back is even worse.
8. San Antonio International (SAT). It's actually further down the list, as in at the bottom, but I didn't want to name every other airport I’ve been in before commenting on my home airport. The whole area is under construction, and probably will be for another 10 years, which makes any trip there depressing. The two terminals are competing with each other to see which one sucks worse. For a city of 1,000,000 people to have a sorrier airport than Bismarck, ND is quite a feat, but San Antonio has done it. The place looks almost Eastern European. It's gray, dank, crowded, and a complete mishmash of styles. The luggage carousels are not labeled, so you don’t have any idea which one might fire up and deliver your bags. The rental car places are spread out over a 5 mile radius, so good luck finding yours. Security at Terminal 1 isn't half bad, but the line at Terminal 2 (where Southwest and the Mexican airlines are housed) can spill out down the hall, around the corner, back up another hall, and back out into the main terminal area. And if you park out in economy long-term parking, be prepared to wheel your bags a good half mile. I just wish I could close my eyes, open them, and see the final result of the construction, but instead, we'll be suffering for another decade.
BEST RESTAURANTS
1. Roy's, Kapolei, HI. I ate a macadamia-encrusted swordfish steak there that almost made me cry. At lunch a couple of weeks later I had a bacon cheeseburger to end all bacon cheeseburgers forever. So good.
2. Jamba Juice. I discovered these in Kapolei, and I’ve been going there for breakfast in every city I travel to, if I can find one. I get a 16-oz smoothie with an immunity boost, to battle those sniffling masses on the plane, and I usually get the honey bran muffin as well. The only complaint I used to have is the poor selection of fresh-baked muffins and pastries, but they’ve recently expanded their offerings to include a protein cookie, an energy bar, and a blueberry muffin.
3. Louie's, Kenai, AK. Louie's serves enormous helpings of food, so much that you're in pain for a couple of days. It tastes good going down, though! The blackened prime rib bites are a unique appetizer. I pretty much order clam chowder and a salad now, and I can't finish that. The breakfast sausage is the size of your head.
4. The Chart House, Honolulu, HI. Mai-tai's and steak, that's always a good combination. The atmosphere can get pretty raucous, with tourists and locals alike jamming the place.
5. In & Out Burger, Phoenix, AZ. The best burgers in the world, except when Roy cooks one.
6. Charlie's Steakery, Phoenix, AZ. The buffalo chicken cheesesteak with ranch sauce is highly recommended. Extra ranch sauce for the fries!
BEST CITIES
1. Foxborough/Boston, MA. Massachusetts is my ancestral home, and I always enjoy returning. I would live there if not for the snow. The people are just totally cool. They are smart, funny, engaging, acerbic, and sarcastic, but in a good way. They have the second-fiddle-to-New York mentality like Philly people, which keeps them humble, but they evince it in a wry, humorous manner instead of the aggressively antagonistic behavior of most Philadelphia denizens. The best of the many good things of going to a game at Fenway Park is listening to the inane yet witty banter from the college kids behind you in the stands. The streets and highways of Southeastern Massachusetts are scenic and completely bizarre, but the public transit system is excellent, so you can get out of your car if you want to. And Foxborough is, of course, home to my beloved Pats.
2. Phoenix, AZ. Clean, well-planned, dry, with a sweeping mountain view, it's a hard city not to love. I'm not sure I'd feel the same way in August, but February and May were excellent. Phoenix is a lot more diverse than I imagined. I was thinking I'd run into a million Midwestern retirees, but it's not like that at all. Phoenix has the same huge Latino population that most Southwestern cities enjoy, and there are tons of young families everywhere, as well as a healthy assortment of Joe Dirt types. I was impressed with the amazingly sustained booing of the Phoenix Suns fans in Game 5 against the Spurs, at which I sat in the last row of the arena with a ticket I bought on e-Bay. They booed every single time the Spurs had the ball, all the way to the end, and they stayed completely projectile-free.
3. East Bay Area, CA. I'm calling this the East Bay, because I've never gone into San Francisco the couple of times I’ve been there. The East Bay people aren’t nearly as snooty as their Marin County and San Fran counterparts. I love the scenic, mountainous drive from the airport to Walnut Creek or Concord where I stay. Both Walnut Creek and Concord are upscale little suburbs with new, modern shopping and eating places, right off the freeway. I can’t wait to go there during the summer to see AT&T Park.
4. Chicago, IL. That toddling town was a little disappointing, but it was good to go back. It's been a while since I experienced Midwestern hospitality, and it was jarring. The barista at Starbucks (not the creep at the Marriott, another one) asked me how my day was going, and I thought she was talking to somebody else behind the counter. The Tri-State Tollway is a freaking mess. The exit from the Tollway to the Edens Expressway bottlenecks from three lanes to ONE lane. They built it that way! Gee, I wonder if it backs up, EVERY DAY?! Toward the end of the trip, my sister, my boss, another co-worker and I walked back to my sister's high-rise through Wrigleyville after taking in a Cubs game. I heard the other day that Chicago is one of the most highly segregated cities in America, and after I thought about it, it was pretty startling, and kind of sad, not to see very many minority faces in such a large city neighborhood.
5. Honolulu, HI. Are you interested in going to Tokyo, but don't want to be encumbered with all that Japanese efficiency? Go to Honolulu! You’ll see millions of Japanese people, with a highway and street system designed like Northeast Illinois! Ugh. The traffic in Honolulu is the absolute worst in America. The drivers are either locals in no hurry or tourists who have left their brains on the mainland. And everything is under construction, all the time! And lanes begin and end on a whim! It's great, you’ll love it. My advice is to drive from the airport to the hotel, and NEVER DRIVE AGAIN. Better yet, take a taxi or a shuttle from the airport and don't drive at all. Other than that, the people are great, but as I mentioned, they are never in a hurry. That's fine if you are on vacation, but it kind of sucks when you are on business. You can't beat the scenery, I must say.
6. Kenai, AK. Well, it's not much of a city, really, just an outpost. They do have most of the modern conveniences, including blazing fast internet for some reason. The snow-capped peaks are spectacular, if you are lucky enough to see them. In December, I drove to work in the dark and drove back to the hotel in the dark. There's not much else of interest in Kenai, unless you are unhealthfully attached to salmon.
7. Houston, TX. Houston has become like Honolulu, without the scenery. I shudder to imagine what Houston would be like without a really good highway system. It's complete chaos as it is. The other main reason I don't much like traveling there is because I've lived there, so I've seen and done everything there is to see and do, at least twice. Minute Maid Park is still one of the best parks in the majors, except for the Astros fans, who never sit down and just watch the game.
BEST HOTELS
1. JW Marriott, Ko Olina Resort, Ko Olina, HI. I love my job. Any job where I get to blog while looking at the ocean right outside the window is my kind of job. Hey, there's the ocean now! That's a lot of water. Maybe I'll catch the sunset...that was nice. Seriously, the Ko Olina, as the guys at the refinery call it, is pretty damned special, as are the prices, if by special you mean "Holy Shit that's expensive!" And for most people, absolutely nothing is included! The rooms are the best rooms I've ever seen, with a humongous bathroom with a glass shower and two sinks. The food at the Naupaka Terrace Café leaves a lot to be desired. It's basically Sodexho Marriott cafeteria food at ridiculous prices. They also have a fancy Mexican restaurant (Azul) and a Japanese place (Ushio-Tei), neither of which I’ve tried. You’re better off going over to Roy's, a high-end national chain with an eclectic menu which is on the property of the adjacent golf course (18 holes = you need to fill out a loan application). Roy's is the best food I've ever eaten in my entire life, and that includes my mother's cooking after 6 months of dorm food. The hotel has a nice little breakfast bar in the morning, but again, everything including the formerly free coffee is pricey. I wish the gym would open earlier (it opens at 6 am), since I am usually up by 4:30 because of the jet lag, and I have to be in the refinery by 7 am. The company I work for gets free parking and internet. Without that, they wouldn't let me stay here, I think.
2. Arizona Biltmore, Phoenix, AZ. The Biltmore is a Frank Lloyd Wright paradise in the desert. I love Wright's designs, and this place is as spectacular as it must have been when it opened in the 20’s. The opulence of the place is stunning, with huge fountains, putting greens, a life-sized chess board, hand carved statues, and intricate stonework everywhere throughout the site. We drove by Lynda Carter’s house, "Woman In Tights", which is just off the property, as is Paul Harvey's (no name given, although I’m sure if it has one, it has something to do with Gold Bond Medicated Powder). I was fortunate enough to play both of the golf courses, which are no longer owned by the Biltmore, but are just as gorgeous. The big downside of the place is that for the unwashed who actually drive their cars in, the parking garage is halfway to Scottsdale. I was there for a conference where all the meals were provided, so I didn’t try any of the restaurants, and I was too busy golfing to swing by the gym.
3. The Lodges at Deer Valley, Park City, UT. The Lodges is set at the base of a ski resort in Park City, affording spectacular views of the surrounding mountains. The rooms are very large, almost suites, and unlike many high-end, full-service joints, they provide a fridge and a microwave (what a concept, JW!). One weird thing was that you had to walk through the parking garage to get to your section of the hotel, which if I was driving I wouldn’t have minded. For this particular conference, though, I had my transportation provided, so it seemed unnecessary that I had to dodge rental cars in the garage just to find my room. All my meals were provided, so I can't say much about the restaurants. I saw a gym and an outdoor pool with jacuzzi, neither of which was able to get to. They had a nice little Starbucks Robo-Barista machine in the "General Store" behind the Front Desk, which was handy. The overall vibe of the place was old time Alpine Ski Lodge, which was strange in the summer, but it was nice enough that I’m looking forward to going back next year.
4. Marriott Copley Place, Boston, MA. At thirty-four floors, it is the tallest hotel I've stayed at for more than one night. They have a Starbucks, so score one for them. The gym was huge, but still full (damn those Boston travelers, always staying in shape). The room was tiny, but well-appointed. I didn’t try the restaurants because the conference I was at provided all the meals. The hotel is connected to the Shops at Copley, which is connected to the Prudential Center and the Hynes Convention Center, plus it is right on top of a T stop. Don't use that T stop to go to Fenway, though, like I did. It's two changes and lots of walking from the park. Use the Copley station across Copley Square, which is on the same line and only two stations from the Fenway Park Kenmore Square stop. I did get to meet 500 of the sweatiest 20-somethings Boston has offer, so that was nice.
5. Concord Hilton, Concord, CA. I only stayed here once, but it was nice. The breakfast was excellent, they have free parking, and there is an outdoor mall within easy walking distance with at least five restaurants and a bunch of shops. It's another full-service hotel, so not many freebies. They have a Starbucks shop right in the lobby, so I would live here if I could. I didn't try the gym there, but they have one.
6. Marriot Lincolnshire Resort, Lincolnshire, IL. This place looks like it was built in the 50's to accommodate families making cross-country trips in wood-paneled station wagons. The hotel building itself is mostly wood-paneled and low-slung (only three stories), and the resort has just about everything on the grounds, including horseback riding, tennis, golf, and even a drama theatre! The hallways go on forever and then branch out and go on some more. I spent almost 48 hours never leaving the hotel, it had so much stuff in it. This is another hotel with a Starbucks on site, although the barista was an annoying amateur comedian, and he shuts it down around 2 pm.
7. Embassy Suites North, Phoenix, AZ. It looks like a sprawling adobe Motel 6 from the street, but it's actually pretty sweet. They have a Cajun-themed restaurant, and a lobby that puts more expensive hotels to shame. The gym isn't bad, and the suites are huge.
8. Homewood Suites, Houston, TX. Pretty standard, run-of-the-mill extended-stay place, but they do everything well. They have a pantry, and the free hot breakfast was more than expected. The suites are good size, with a kitchen.
9. Residence Inn, Foxborough, MA. It's the Homewood Suites with none of the proceeds going to support Paris Hilton's coke habit. Nothing special, but more than adequate.
10. Embassy Suites, Walnut Creek, CA. I hate this place's parking garage! It's in the basement, and every space has a pole on one side or the other that is holding up the building. I brushed one with my rental car, and the company had to pay $500. They do have suites, and the food isn't bad. The breakfast is free, and it's a pretty good selection of stuff. There's a nice little outdoor "main street"-type mall up the road with a Greek restaurant and a coffee shop. The gym sucks, with only some crappy treadmills.
11. Uptown Motel, Kenai, AK. I was expecting an utter shit hole, so I was pleasantly surprised. The rooms are small but serviceable, and the wireless high speed internet is the best on the planet. No logging in to a stupid hotel firewall or anything, just boot up and go, and it's really fast. There is a semi-attached restaurant, Louie's, where the food is spectacular. The portions are so huge, though, that I can only eat there once a visit. Forget about a gym. You're happy just to stay un-frozen. You could go running, but I wouldn't recommend it. You might get raped by a moose. Or a north sloper.
12. Best Western Seven Seas, Mandan, ND. What can you say, it's a Best Western. They have a bed, a bathroom, and the old “Sanitized For Your Protection” seal. The restaurant was full of hearty Midwestern fare, and this hotel comes with, incongruously, a Water Park. I was there in August, and it was till too cold to swim, so, like, when isn't it?
13. Fidalgo Country Inn, Anacortes, WA. Another place with an improbable pool. It has great views of Puget Sound, and our refinery, but not much else going for it. The wireless Internet didn't work in my room. How hard is it to buy another router? Jeez louise, this is supposed to be Microsoft country. There was a restaurant in the same parking lot that was pretty lousy, and they also had a convenience store and not one but two drive-through espresso islands. There isn't much up in this neck of the woods, so you have to take whatever you can get.
14. Hilton Hawaiian Village, Honolulu, HI. The hotel itself isn't bad at all, but the location, right on Waikiki Beach, is terrible. You have to drive through about 6 million cars on narrow two-lane streets to get to and from it, and I was so exhausted after the commute back and forth from Kapolei that I barely had time to eat before I crashed. They have a bunch of nice little restaurants in the Village, and the rooms and amenities are great. You have to pay for internet and parking, and the gym is $10 a day. Forget it. I'd rather flab up for a week.
15. Hyatt Regency Waikiki, Honolulu, HI. This may be the worst nice hotel ever. They have two 40-story towers, and of course, they don't tell you which room numbers are in which towers. You get to do that coin-flipping experiment yourself. The parking garage is a nightmare – narrow and tall, and you have to go up six floors until you get to the self-parking. On top of that, it is across the street from the hotel, and there is no footbridge, so you must go down to the street and cross in the heavy Waikiki traffic. I ate at the "Terrace Bar" restaurant, and birds almost ran off with my meal. And it's 30 miles from the refinery, through more heavy traffic. I left after one night and checked in at the Ihilani.
16. Extended Stay America, Phoenix, AZ. Stay the fuck away. I mean it. What a disaster. They do throw in the mildew stains for free, so that's something. Never again.
BEST AIRLINES
1. Continental. The non-stop from Houston to Honolulu is about as comfortable as being locked in a flying death-cage for 8 hours can be. You get meals and in-seat entertainment, and the stews mostly leave you alone to sleep. I have tons of frequent flyer miles with these guys, so I don't want to write anything negative they might read.
2. Southwest. I hate having to line up to get a decent seat, but Southwest is one of the only airlines that acts like they actually care about what they are doing. They have this sense of urgency that the rest of them haven’t even heard of. They get the planes turned around like their hair is on fire, and everybody you meet is friendly and knowledgeable. If only they had more room in the cabins, but then again, none of them do anymore.
3. United. I like the CRJ-700 flights that I can take direct out of San Antonio to SFO, Phoenix, and eventually, Salt Lake and Los Angeles. They are a little cramped, but it beats changing planes. Other than that, United is unremarkable.
4. Era Aviation. They fly a little DeHavilland Dash-8 from Anchorage to Kenai, Alaska every hour or so. Nothing fancy, but efficient and timely. You get the pre-flight safety talk directly from the pilot.
5. Delta/Skywest. They really aren’t much better than Northwest, but at least they fly into Salt Lake directly. I remember Delta from my youth, flying into Atlanta on the way to Florida. I think they still use the same planes.
6. US Airways/America West/Mesa. I take these guys to Phoenix if United or Southwest isn't available. God, do they suck. They are just playing out the string until they finally are allowed to merge with United. They were the first and only ones so far to lose my luggage! Congratulations.
7. Northwest. Absolute worst. I fly Northwest to Alaska via Minneapolis. They charge for everything, and you get no in-flight entertainment of any kind, even audio! The only good part is I get Elite Access status because they have an agreement with Continental, or otherwise, these flights would be completely intolerable.
BEST AIRPORTS
1. Minneapolis/St. Paul (MSP). No, it isn't for the bathroom cruising, you sicko. I like MSP because of the central food court/mall. They have practically everything in there, including an iPod vending machine. Even the longest walk from concourse to concourse isn't that far, and it routes you through the food court/mall, which is very bright, open, airy and convenient. It beats having to eat at one of the satellite concourses that you see in most airports that are very hit and miss. Yup, I take a wide stance on MSP (maybe that should be the new slogan)!
2. Phoenix Sky Harbor International (PHX). Pretty much everything is great about PHX, (including the name "Sky Harbor") as long as you stick with Continental and Southwest. The luggage carousels are all modern and roomy, the rental car place is centrally located so you don't have to drive all over looking for your car company, and the concourses have plenty of good eating places. The United terminal SUCKS though; it's old and cramped and the security set-up is totally inefficient.
3. Baltimore/Washington International (BWI). This is an oldie but a goodie for me, since I used it a lot when I was in Philly. The Southwest terminal is almost completely new, looks great, and is very convenient and comfortable.
4. San Francisco International (SFO). The rental car dropoff place at SFO pisses me off because the sign comes up way too late and you end up having to drive around 18 cloverleafs to get back. Other than that, it’s pretty good. This is another central rental car place, and this once has a train, which is nicer than the stupid shuttle bus, I think. They have a killer soup place that serves fresh sourdough rolls in the United terminal, plus a place called "Just Desserts".
5. Bismarck Municipal (BIS). Wow, what a cool airport! I wish they could all be this nice, only in big cities and larger. They have free wireless, and the whole place is wood paneled and brand-spanking new.
6. Anchorage International (ANC). ANC is a nice homey little airport, with high vaulted ceilings and a pleasant restaurant that overlooks Prince William Sound. It's under re-construction on the inside (unlike on the outside, which would describe every other airport in America), so it's kind of messy. I love seeing the North Slope roughnecks in line for their flights. They crap guys like me.
7. Honolulu International (HNL). Overall, it's not that bad. The concourses are mostly open-air, which is pretty strange and exotic, they have a restaurant where they serve a melt-in-your-mouth polish sausage with sauerkraut, and security is always a breeze. However…the rental car place is a clusterfuck. I mean, a place like Hawaii doesn't have Hertz Gold Club or National Emerald Aisle? I'm going to get run over in that rental car parking lot one of these times. Bringing the car back is even worse.
8. San Antonio International (SAT). It's actually further down the list, as in at the bottom, but I didn't want to name every other airport I’ve been in before commenting on my home airport. The whole area is under construction, and probably will be for another 10 years, which makes any trip there depressing. The two terminals are competing with each other to see which one sucks worse. For a city of 1,000,000 people to have a sorrier airport than Bismarck, ND is quite a feat, but San Antonio has done it. The place looks almost Eastern European. It's gray, dank, crowded, and a complete mishmash of styles. The luggage carousels are not labeled, so you don’t have any idea which one might fire up and deliver your bags. The rental car places are spread out over a 5 mile radius, so good luck finding yours. Security at Terminal 1 isn't half bad, but the line at Terminal 2 (where Southwest and the Mexican airlines are housed) can spill out down the hall, around the corner, back up another hall, and back out into the main terminal area. And if you park out in economy long-term parking, be prepared to wheel your bags a good half mile. I just wish I could close my eyes, open them, and see the final result of the construction, but instead, we'll be suffering for another decade.
BEST RESTAURANTS
1. Roy's, Kapolei, HI. I ate a macadamia-encrusted swordfish steak there that almost made me cry. At lunch a couple of weeks later I had a bacon cheeseburger to end all bacon cheeseburgers forever. So good.
2. Jamba Juice. I discovered these in Kapolei, and I’ve been going there for breakfast in every city I travel to, if I can find one. I get a 16-oz smoothie with an immunity boost, to battle those sniffling masses on the plane, and I usually get the honey bran muffin as well. The only complaint I used to have is the poor selection of fresh-baked muffins and pastries, but they’ve recently expanded their offerings to include a protein cookie, an energy bar, and a blueberry muffin.
3. Louie's, Kenai, AK. Louie's serves enormous helpings of food, so much that you're in pain for a couple of days. It tastes good going down, though! The blackened prime rib bites are a unique appetizer. I pretty much order clam chowder and a salad now, and I can't finish that. The breakfast sausage is the size of your head.
4. The Chart House, Honolulu, HI. Mai-tai's and steak, that's always a good combination. The atmosphere can get pretty raucous, with tourists and locals alike jamming the place.
5. In & Out Burger, Phoenix, AZ. The best burgers in the world, except when Roy cooks one.
6. Charlie's Steakery, Phoenix, AZ. The buffalo chicken cheesesteak with ranch sauce is highly recommended. Extra ranch sauce for the fries!
BEST CITIES
1. Foxborough/Boston, MA. Massachusetts is my ancestral home, and I always enjoy returning. I would live there if not for the snow. The people are just totally cool. They are smart, funny, engaging, acerbic, and sarcastic, but in a good way. They have the second-fiddle-to-New York mentality like Philly people, which keeps them humble, but they evince it in a wry, humorous manner instead of the aggressively antagonistic behavior of most Philadelphia denizens. The best of the many good things of going to a game at Fenway Park is listening to the inane yet witty banter from the college kids behind you in the stands. The streets and highways of Southeastern Massachusetts are scenic and completely bizarre, but the public transit system is excellent, so you can get out of your car if you want to. And Foxborough is, of course, home to my beloved Pats.
2. Phoenix, AZ. Clean, well-planned, dry, with a sweeping mountain view, it's a hard city not to love. I'm not sure I'd feel the same way in August, but February and May were excellent. Phoenix is a lot more diverse than I imagined. I was thinking I'd run into a million Midwestern retirees, but it's not like that at all. Phoenix has the same huge Latino population that most Southwestern cities enjoy, and there are tons of young families everywhere, as well as a healthy assortment of Joe Dirt types. I was impressed with the amazingly sustained booing of the Phoenix Suns fans in Game 5 against the Spurs, at which I sat in the last row of the arena with a ticket I bought on e-Bay. They booed every single time the Spurs had the ball, all the way to the end, and they stayed completely projectile-free.
3. East Bay Area, CA. I'm calling this the East Bay, because I've never gone into San Francisco the couple of times I’ve been there. The East Bay people aren’t nearly as snooty as their Marin County and San Fran counterparts. I love the scenic, mountainous drive from the airport to Walnut Creek or Concord where I stay. Both Walnut Creek and Concord are upscale little suburbs with new, modern shopping and eating places, right off the freeway. I can’t wait to go there during the summer to see AT&T Park.
4. Chicago, IL. That toddling town was a little disappointing, but it was good to go back. It's been a while since I experienced Midwestern hospitality, and it was jarring. The barista at Starbucks (not the creep at the Marriott, another one) asked me how my day was going, and I thought she was talking to somebody else behind the counter. The Tri-State Tollway is a freaking mess. The exit from the Tollway to the Edens Expressway bottlenecks from three lanes to ONE lane. They built it that way! Gee, I wonder if it backs up, EVERY DAY?! Toward the end of the trip, my sister, my boss, another co-worker and I walked back to my sister's high-rise through Wrigleyville after taking in a Cubs game. I heard the other day that Chicago is one of the most highly segregated cities in America, and after I thought about it, it was pretty startling, and kind of sad, not to see very many minority faces in such a large city neighborhood.
5. Honolulu, HI. Are you interested in going to Tokyo, but don't want to be encumbered with all that Japanese efficiency? Go to Honolulu! You’ll see millions of Japanese people, with a highway and street system designed like Northeast Illinois! Ugh. The traffic in Honolulu is the absolute worst in America. The drivers are either locals in no hurry or tourists who have left their brains on the mainland. And everything is under construction, all the time! And lanes begin and end on a whim! It's great, you’ll love it. My advice is to drive from the airport to the hotel, and NEVER DRIVE AGAIN. Better yet, take a taxi or a shuttle from the airport and don't drive at all. Other than that, the people are great, but as I mentioned, they are never in a hurry. That's fine if you are on vacation, but it kind of sucks when you are on business. You can't beat the scenery, I must say.
6. Kenai, AK. Well, it's not much of a city, really, just an outpost. They do have most of the modern conveniences, including blazing fast internet for some reason. The snow-capped peaks are spectacular, if you are lucky enough to see them. In December, I drove to work in the dark and drove back to the hotel in the dark. There's not much else of interest in Kenai, unless you are unhealthfully attached to salmon.
7. Houston, TX. Houston has become like Honolulu, without the scenery. I shudder to imagine what Houston would be like without a really good highway system. It's complete chaos as it is. The other main reason I don't much like traveling there is because I've lived there, so I've seen and done everything there is to see and do, at least twice. Minute Maid Park is still one of the best parks in the majors, except for the Astros fans, who never sit down and just watch the game.
Friday, September 14, 2007
VIDEO SLIGHTLY INJURED THE FOOTBALL STARS
As a Patriots fan I'm thoroughly enjoying this Patriots video spying scandal. A team I root was trying so hard to win that they videotaped the other teams' signals? It's about damned time! I'm only upset that they were so ham-handed about it, they got caught. How can you try it in the Meadowlands with your former coach, Man-Genius, watching every move? Stupid. Do it only during home games, and buy the dude a ticket so he can do it from the stands with a nice 20x zoom lens.
The funniest part is hearing Eagles fans and even Eagles players whining about the Super Bowl they lost to the Pats. Yeah, you were really cheated out of that one. You were driving for the winning score, and your quarterback ralphed all over himself! What, did the Pats slip him some bad Chunky Soup? Besides, you pathetic losers haven't won anything since 1960, when dinosaurs roamed the gridiron, so it was not at all unexpected that you'd honk that one. Hilarious.
The funniest part is hearing Eagles fans and even Eagles players whining about the Super Bowl they lost to the Pats. Yeah, you were really cheated out of that one. You were driving for the winning score, and your quarterback ralphed all over himself! What, did the Pats slip him some bad Chunky Soup? Besides, you pathetic losers haven't won anything since 1960, when dinosaurs roamed the gridiron, so it was not at all unexpected that you'd honk that one. Hilarious.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
SUMMER AND THE NOT BLOGGING IS EASY
Hey, I'm alive. I'm back in the 50th state for my seventh trip in 10 months. It's still 82 and sunny, in case you were wondering. Much has transpired since that last blog entry. Not in my life, but you know, generally. We moved out of our squalid little pied-a-terre (love that word) into our new house. I've spent three full nights in it so far. This hotel room, or ones exactly like it on other floors, feel more like my home. I've eaten entire menus at the fast food joints in Kapolei, and I've taken to naming the birds that land on the lanai. I have no idea if these are the same birds each time, but I can fantasize.
I'm putting the finishing touches on my travelogue piece, and will publish it soon. I'm hoping for a cease-and-desist letter from Extended Stay America, at the very least. Aloha `oe and mahalo nui loa (that means, goodbye, thank you very much, and that'll be $8.00 for a #2 combo meal).
I'm putting the finishing touches on my travelogue piece, and will publish it soon. I'm hoping for a cease-and-desist letter from Extended Stay America, at the very least. Aloha `oe and mahalo nui loa (that means, goodbye, thank you very much, and that'll be $8.00 for a #2 combo meal).
Monday, May 07, 2007
TCP'S DAY OFF
I am in Chicago, and due to my poor efforts at scheduling my own travels, I have arrived a day early to my conference. Like Ferris Bueller, then, I am enjoying my very own day off. Here is a table comparing mine to his, as it were:
Anyone know how I should kill the rest of the day? Anyone? Anyone?
| Ferris | Me | |
| Cute girlfriend, played by Mia Sara, gets to come along | Wife, not played by Mia Sara, is pissed because she can't | |
| Friend, played by Alan Ruck, wears Detroit Red Wings jersey and affects silly voice to aid in caper | I have no friends | |
| Ferris, Sloane, and Cameron take Cameron's dad's Ferrari | I have a sweet Chevy Malibu rental car. Ok, not so much sweet as mind-numbingly dull | |
| Ferris and Co. eat at a swanky French restaurant, giving the rude waiter his comeuppance | Um, I got a Jamba Juice... | |
| Ferris snags a foul ball at a Cubs game | I saw Spiderman IMAX, and didn't even get the free soda I was entitled to | |
| Back at home, Mr. Rooney breaks in and is maced by Ferris' sister, played by Jennifer Grey | They are doing an apartment inspection at our crummy temporary apartment. I hope our dog Chloe pees on them | |
| The Ferrari is trashed, and everyone learns an important lesson about being young at heart, or something | I can't afford to have another rental car incident, and there's absolutely nothing to learn here, except that you should read the conference's agenda before you make your flight arrangements, or better yet, get an MBA and become a manager so that you can get someone else to plan your trips. |
Anyone know how I should kill the rest of the day? Anyone? Anyone?
Monday, April 09, 2007
A.B.B - DAY 575
We're well under 600 days now until we choose a replacement for Doody Head. The race has become unprecendented in terms of the money raised to this point, as NPR so ably demonstrated last week through the use of the BeeGees song, "Stayin' Alive". Let's see where we stand.
REPUBLICANS
1. Rudy Giuliani - Rudy has firmly established himself as the front runner, a new development since the last time we checked in. His star has dropped a bit recently on revelations that his current wife suddenly "remembered" she's been previously married two times, and not the one she had told Giuliani. In addition, Giuliani's BFF, Bernie Kerik, is about to be indicted for various mob-related influence peddling shenanigans that occurred during and after Rudy's mayoral tenure. This stuff will continue to trickle in and eventually capsize his candidacy, but it ought to be fun while it lasts. I never did get to shake his hand at the NPRA convention. I'm sure he was disappointed.
2. John McCain - Second, but barely. McCain is steadfastly flogging the war effort, recently surfacing in Baghdad to claim that the surge needs just a little more time, and comically asserting that Baghdad is as safe as any American city, while strolling a market wearing a flak jacket and being escorted by attack helicopters and 100 soldiers. It's hard to tell if he really believes that any more, or if he's just signed on with the Rovian machine and is courting the hard-core right wing. If he believes it, well, I hope he's right, because Bush isn't pulling out. If he doesn't believe it, he's doomed.
3. Mitt Romney - The Mormon Thing is still a big problem, even as McCain and Giuliani are starting to decline in favorability. My take is, hey, he may wear funny underwear, but he isn't nigh on 70 and he doesn't wear WOMEN'S underwear. He's got the cash, so it's only a matter of figuring out a way to fend off the other Faith-Based guys. It's not clear that he can manage that, but again, he's got cash.
4. Newt Gingrich - I'm not sure if his "confession" to James Dobson helped or hurt. It got him some air time, which always helps, but the hypocrisy inherent in his statement was remarkably breathtaking, even for a Republican. He's making a nomination-winning move by courting Dobson. It'll take a lot more than that, though, and I don't know if Newtie has it in him.
5. Fred Thomspon - With a bullet. I'm not going to bother with the Wikipedia treatment on 'Ol Fred. You know him, you love him. He's a man's man, aside from the fact he's an actor. He isn't officially in yet, but his polling numbers have to be encouraging. Gallup even has him in third. He's not a Reagan conservative, depsite his acting pedigree, so I'm doubtful his candidacy will gain much traction. I get the feeling he'll say something stupid really soon, and be renegotiating his "Law & Order" contract immediately afterward.
6. Sam Brownback - I haven't heard a peep out of Sam since he announced. He'll always be the Dobson-type's fair-haired boy, but he's too obscure for the rest of the country, and from what I've seen, he has too much integrity to play the Rove game. He's kind of the Pro-Life version of Russ Feingold, which would be disastrous for his handlers.
7. Tom Tancredo - Again, unless his one issue becomes THE issue, he's not viable.
8. Tommy Thompson - He's like Fred, only without the charisma.
9. Mike Huckabee - He's the dark horse. He's not as extreme and strange as Brownback, and he's also not busy being a Senator like Sam is. I could easily see a scenario where Rudy, McCain, Newt, and Romney are all systematically disqualified by the GOP kingmakers, and Huck is the man left standing. His big problem is that Hillary would probably mop the floor with him in a very nasty, old-time Arkansas race, and Obama is too big of a personality in comparison.
10. The Rest - Chuck Hagel, Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore, George Pataki, Duncan Hunter. Of the pari-mutuel field, Hagel has the best breakout capability in terms of media coverage due to his anti-war stance, and Hunter is probably best-loved by the right.
DEMOCRATS
1. Hillary Clinton - Bill and Hill have been slashing and burning with a vengeance on the fundraising circuit, questioning the patriotism, brains, and sanity of any and every Democrat who doesn't back them. I guess this worked for Bill, but what Hill has to remember is that there won't be a Ross Perot to save her skin come next November. She'll have to get 270 electoral votes the hard way, and pissing off a big swath of her potential voters isn't going to help.
2. Barack Obama - From what I've been reading lately, Barry is going to run on a "Leadership" strategy, light on the specifics. It worked for Bush, but he was a white guy that most people knew and who had a rabid following among a very high turnout group, white evangelicals. Obama is a black guy, who people are still getting to know, and who seems to have a rabid following only among the relatively small, mostly non-voting media. Even so, I think this may actually work, if it turns out he's a great natural leader. If not, he'll be sucking wind down there with Kucinich.
3. John Edwards - After all the pundit foofaraw surrounding his wife Elizabeth's announcement of serious health problems, Edwards appeared to emerge more or less unscathed and even re-energized. It seems like more people applauded their courage and pluck than castigated Edwards for being an unfeeling Presidential Candidate robot. That being said, he's got problems. Even if Elizabeth's cancer remains relatively stable, having to deal with it will take the steam out of his traveling and fundraising effort against two already formidable opponents. It might have worked if he had anything to say on the Iraq war other than "Whoops, I blew that one!"
4. Al Gore - He hasn't started, but the train hasn't departed (to paraphrase Garry Templeton). And by train, I mean MagLev. In the past two months, Gore has won an Oscar and seen his views on global warming be accepted into the mainstream at a precipitous, almost global-warming-like rate. It also looks like he's on the melting glacier diet, having shed several pounds since the red carpet. I think he will run, and I think he'd win if the election were held in 2007. Unfortunately for him, he may have peaked too early. We'll have another cold winter in the Northeast, and everybody will start laughing at him again just as the primaries start. We probably deserve what comes after that.
5. The Rest - Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich. Biden will make some noise, and Richardson will rally the Hispanic vote somewhat, but these guys are strictly Cabinet material.
REPUBLICANS
1. Rudy Giuliani - Rudy has firmly established himself as the front runner, a new development since the last time we checked in. His star has dropped a bit recently on revelations that his current wife suddenly "remembered" she's been previously married two times, and not the one she had told Giuliani. In addition, Giuliani's BFF, Bernie Kerik, is about to be indicted for various mob-related influence peddling shenanigans that occurred during and after Rudy's mayoral tenure. This stuff will continue to trickle in and eventually capsize his candidacy, but it ought to be fun while it lasts. I never did get to shake his hand at the NPRA convention. I'm sure he was disappointed.
2. John McCain - Second, but barely. McCain is steadfastly flogging the war effort, recently surfacing in Baghdad to claim that the surge needs just a little more time, and comically asserting that Baghdad is as safe as any American city, while strolling a market wearing a flak jacket and being escorted by attack helicopters and 100 soldiers. It's hard to tell if he really believes that any more, or if he's just signed on with the Rovian machine and is courting the hard-core right wing. If he believes it, well, I hope he's right, because Bush isn't pulling out. If he doesn't believe it, he's doomed.
3. Mitt Romney - The Mormon Thing is still a big problem, even as McCain and Giuliani are starting to decline in favorability. My take is, hey, he may wear funny underwear, but he isn't nigh on 70 and he doesn't wear WOMEN'S underwear. He's got the cash, so it's only a matter of figuring out a way to fend off the other Faith-Based guys. It's not clear that he can manage that, but again, he's got cash.
4. Newt Gingrich - I'm not sure if his "confession" to James Dobson helped or hurt. It got him some air time, which always helps, but the hypocrisy inherent in his statement was remarkably breathtaking, even for a Republican. He's making a nomination-winning move by courting Dobson. It'll take a lot more than that, though, and I don't know if Newtie has it in him.
5. Fred Thomspon - With a bullet. I'm not going to bother with the Wikipedia treatment on 'Ol Fred. You know him, you love him. He's a man's man, aside from the fact he's an actor. He isn't officially in yet, but his polling numbers have to be encouraging. Gallup even has him in third. He's not a Reagan conservative, depsite his acting pedigree, so I'm doubtful his candidacy will gain much traction. I get the feeling he'll say something stupid really soon, and be renegotiating his "Law & Order" contract immediately afterward.
6. Sam Brownback - I haven't heard a peep out of Sam since he announced. He'll always be the Dobson-type's fair-haired boy, but he's too obscure for the rest of the country, and from what I've seen, he has too much integrity to play the Rove game. He's kind of the Pro-Life version of Russ Feingold, which would be disastrous for his handlers.
7. Tom Tancredo - Again, unless his one issue becomes THE issue, he's not viable.
8. Tommy Thompson - He's like Fred, only without the charisma.
9. Mike Huckabee - He's the dark horse. He's not as extreme and strange as Brownback, and he's also not busy being a Senator like Sam is. I could easily see a scenario where Rudy, McCain, Newt, and Romney are all systematically disqualified by the GOP kingmakers, and Huck is the man left standing. His big problem is that Hillary would probably mop the floor with him in a very nasty, old-time Arkansas race, and Obama is too big of a personality in comparison.
10. The Rest - Chuck Hagel, Ron Paul, Jim Gilmore, George Pataki, Duncan Hunter. Of the pari-mutuel field, Hagel has the best breakout capability in terms of media coverage due to his anti-war stance, and Hunter is probably best-loved by the right.
DEMOCRATS
1. Hillary Clinton - Bill and Hill have been slashing and burning with a vengeance on the fundraising circuit, questioning the patriotism, brains, and sanity of any and every Democrat who doesn't back them. I guess this worked for Bill, but what Hill has to remember is that there won't be a Ross Perot to save her skin come next November. She'll have to get 270 electoral votes the hard way, and pissing off a big swath of her potential voters isn't going to help.
2. Barack Obama - From what I've been reading lately, Barry is going to run on a "Leadership" strategy, light on the specifics. It worked for Bush, but he was a white guy that most people knew and who had a rabid following among a very high turnout group, white evangelicals. Obama is a black guy, who people are still getting to know, and who seems to have a rabid following only among the relatively small, mostly non-voting media. Even so, I think this may actually work, if it turns out he's a great natural leader. If not, he'll be sucking wind down there with Kucinich.
3. John Edwards - After all the pundit foofaraw surrounding his wife Elizabeth's announcement of serious health problems, Edwards appeared to emerge more or less unscathed and even re-energized. It seems like more people applauded their courage and pluck than castigated Edwards for being an unfeeling Presidential Candidate robot. That being said, he's got problems. Even if Elizabeth's cancer remains relatively stable, having to deal with it will take the steam out of his traveling and fundraising effort against two already formidable opponents. It might have worked if he had anything to say on the Iraq war other than "Whoops, I blew that one!"
4. Al Gore - He hasn't started, but the train hasn't departed (to paraphrase Garry Templeton). And by train, I mean MagLev. In the past two months, Gore has won an Oscar and seen his views on global warming be accepted into the mainstream at a precipitous, almost global-warming-like rate. It also looks like he's on the melting glacier diet, having shed several pounds since the red carpet. I think he will run, and I think he'd win if the election were held in 2007. Unfortunately for him, he may have peaked too early. We'll have another cold winter in the Northeast, and everybody will start laughing at him again just as the primaries start. We probably deserve what comes after that.
5. The Rest - Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd, Dennis Kucinich. Biden will make some noise, and Richardson will rally the Hispanic vote somewhat, but these guys are strictly Cabinet material.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
WORD OF THE DAY
DingleBerry (v) - To send an e-mail from your BlackBerry while taking a dump.
They sent me the proposal while I was in the can, so I DingleBerried my response right back.
My gift to you.
They sent me the proposal while I was in the can, so I DingleBerried my response right back.
My gift to you.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
REHAB, HERE I COME!
I was going to post about Ann Coulter's sexuality, but I didn't think it would be right to mention transvestite midgets slathered in pig's blood and dog feces.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
GOALS! GOALS! (BUT NO OTHER GOALS!)
Since I was in Phoenix, I decided to attend the USA-Mexico international friendly at the University of Phoenix Stadium (motto: Get Your Accounting Degree By Halftime!). I'm a soccer fan, and I follow the USA, and I know this rivalry is one of the better ones in soccer. Mostly, though, I went to see the Peter Eisenmann-designed stadium, which looks like it belongs in Dusseldorf instead of Glendale.
Upon arrival, it became abundantly clear that this was going to be a road game for the US. Mexican flags, Mexico jerseys, Mexico signs, giant sombreros, more Mexican flags, hair paint, body paint...I'd never seen so much green, white and red. It felt like being instantly fast-forwarded into the future of America. I must have stood out like, well, a white guy at southwestern US soccer game. The final tally was over 62,000, about 60,000 of whom had once lived or were directly related to someone who lives or had lived in Mexico.
I sat in the upper upper deck, which isn't a bad place to watch a game, because you can see the plays develop (at least that's what I told myself). I could look straight ahead and see the girders that hold up the retractable roof, which was open on a beautiful desert evening. The game was supposed to start at 7:05, but at about 7:07, the teams went back into the locker rooms after warmups. Finally, at about 7:30, they marched out with the usual cadre of little kids that seems to accompany every FIFA game I've ever seen. I think they just use the same kids every time. Those little bastards must make a fortune. After kickoff, the Tricolores had the run of the match for most of the first half, with the partisan crowd chanting "ME-XI-CO!" all the way. They had a couple of good chances that USA keeper Tim Howard easily brushed aside or that the Mexicans themselves booted away (odd note: every time Howard kicked a goal kick, the crowd shouted "Boot-O!". Weird). This was better than the US, which did almost nothing offensively in the first 45 minutes. Still, the score remained 0-0 heading into the second half. Then the fun started, and not only on the field.
I went down a large green river of humanity to the mens room, and as I was heading back to my seat, I noticed a melee starting to break out. People were clearing out for two guys who were wrestling and shouting. Then I saw one of the guys who was wrestling step back. He was a tall, 40+ white guy, well built, with spiky gray/white hair and a green shirt, and it looked like he had a headset on, as if we were an employee. He was still upset, shouting at someone, and then suddenly, whoever he was shouting at threw a full cup of beer at him. This made him go completely apeshit. He dove into the crowd and picked out the beer-thrower and started wailing on him. Since he was just about the only white guy in the area besides me, and this was too good of an opportunity for some in the crowd to pass up, two or three latino guys joined in and were beating on the white guy. At this point, there was absolutely no one between me and the fight. For a microsecond, I thought of stepping in and holding back one of the two latino guys who had jumped in late, but my better judgment prevailed. I heard a security guy behind me on a headset calling for the police, and then the white guy realized he was outnumbered and retreated back toward the concession stand where he appeared to be stationed. The latino guys all quickly dispersed, and I finally found a path to my seat. I saw the cops coming, but I don't think they were able to find anyone. The white guy was wiping off blood from his nose the last I saw him.
After I got to my seat, another fight broke out one section over. It looked like a guy with Mexican flag body paint was slap fighting with a guy in a white tank top, who also appeared to be latino. The guy with the tank top would come down the steps, fight a little, and then head back up the stairs. The body-paint guy would yell something, and then the tank top guy would come back down, looking homicidal, and they would slap fight some more, and then back he would go. This went on for a while, and then the same cops who were under the seats a few minutes ago for the previous fight finally showed up. They dragged the tank top guy away, and came back several minutes later after the game had started again and were questioning witnesses.
Back to futbol. The US continued to be outplayed early in the 2nd half, but then managed to finally get a couple of corner kicks. On the second corner kick, Landon Donovan served up a perfect cross in the box to Jimmy Conrad, who headed it just inside the upright for the first goal. That's when I was introduced to the lamest "anthem" in the history of team sports. "Goals! Goals! Goals!" is its name, and it belongs to the US Men's Soccer Team. Here are some of the lyrics:
Our hearts will never tire,
Our legs will see us through ...
GOALS! GOALS! GOALS!
For the Red, White and Blue!
Yeesh. Hey, whatever, at least we scored. Down 1-0, the Tricolores unleashed a torrent of chances, a few of which were turned aside brilliantly by Howard. Our Tim made a stunning save on one breakaway, diving out to barely redirect a point-blank shot. Howard and the US defense withstood the blitz and the team even improved their possession as the game wore on. As I was heading down the stairs in the 90th minute, Landon Donovan broke free and feinted out Mexican keeper Oswaldo Sanchez to bury the Tricolores for good. I am happy to say there were no fisticuffs on the way out.
If you ever go to Diploma Mill Stadium, park in the Brown Lot. It's on 91st Street, across the street from the stadium. It's absolutely enormous, they will bus you over in luxury coaches, drop you off and pick you up, and you can drive away without a traffic jam. I stumbled on to it because I got there early, but I would recommend it for anyone.
Anybody want to play some golf tommorrow? God, am I bored.
Upon arrival, it became abundantly clear that this was going to be a road game for the US. Mexican flags, Mexico jerseys, Mexico signs, giant sombreros, more Mexican flags, hair paint, body paint...I'd never seen so much green, white and red. It felt like being instantly fast-forwarded into the future of America. I must have stood out like, well, a white guy at southwestern US soccer game. The final tally was over 62,000, about 60,000 of whom had once lived or were directly related to someone who lives or had lived in Mexico.
I sat in the upper upper deck, which isn't a bad place to watch a game, because you can see the plays develop (at least that's what I told myself). I could look straight ahead and see the girders that hold up the retractable roof, which was open on a beautiful desert evening. The game was supposed to start at 7:05, but at about 7:07, the teams went back into the locker rooms after warmups. Finally, at about 7:30, they marched out with the usual cadre of little kids that seems to accompany every FIFA game I've ever seen. I think they just use the same kids every time. Those little bastards must make a fortune. After kickoff, the Tricolores had the run of the match for most of the first half, with the partisan crowd chanting "ME-XI-CO!" all the way. They had a couple of good chances that USA keeper Tim Howard easily brushed aside or that the Mexicans themselves booted away (odd note: every time Howard kicked a goal kick, the crowd shouted "Boot-O!". Weird). This was better than the US, which did almost nothing offensively in the first 45 minutes. Still, the score remained 0-0 heading into the second half. Then the fun started, and not only on the field.
I went down a large green river of humanity to the mens room, and as I was heading back to my seat, I noticed a melee starting to break out. People were clearing out for two guys who were wrestling and shouting. Then I saw one of the guys who was wrestling step back. He was a tall, 40+ white guy, well built, with spiky gray/white hair and a green shirt, and it looked like he had a headset on, as if we were an employee. He was still upset, shouting at someone, and then suddenly, whoever he was shouting at threw a full cup of beer at him. This made him go completely apeshit. He dove into the crowd and picked out the beer-thrower and started wailing on him. Since he was just about the only white guy in the area besides me, and this was too good of an opportunity for some in the crowd to pass up, two or three latino guys joined in and were beating on the white guy. At this point, there was absolutely no one between me and the fight. For a microsecond, I thought of stepping in and holding back one of the two latino guys who had jumped in late, but my better judgment prevailed. I heard a security guy behind me on a headset calling for the police, and then the white guy realized he was outnumbered and retreated back toward the concession stand where he appeared to be stationed. The latino guys all quickly dispersed, and I finally found a path to my seat. I saw the cops coming, but I don't think they were able to find anyone. The white guy was wiping off blood from his nose the last I saw him.
After I got to my seat, another fight broke out one section over. It looked like a guy with Mexican flag body paint was slap fighting with a guy in a white tank top, who also appeared to be latino. The guy with the tank top would come down the steps, fight a little, and then head back up the stairs. The body-paint guy would yell something, and then the tank top guy would come back down, looking homicidal, and they would slap fight some more, and then back he would go. This went on for a while, and then the same cops who were under the seats a few minutes ago for the previous fight finally showed up. They dragged the tank top guy away, and came back several minutes later after the game had started again and were questioning witnesses.
Back to futbol. The US continued to be outplayed early in the 2nd half, but then managed to finally get a couple of corner kicks. On the second corner kick, Landon Donovan served up a perfect cross in the box to Jimmy Conrad, who headed it just inside the upright for the first goal. That's when I was introduced to the lamest "anthem" in the history of team sports. "Goals! Goals! Goals!" is its name, and it belongs to the US Men's Soccer Team. Here are some of the lyrics:
Our hearts will never tire,
Our legs will see us through ...
GOALS! GOALS! GOALS!
For the Red, White and Blue!
Yeesh. Hey, whatever, at least we scored. Down 1-0, the Tricolores unleashed a torrent of chances, a few of which were turned aside brilliantly by Howard. Our Tim made a stunning save on one breakaway, diving out to barely redirect a point-blank shot. Howard and the US defense withstood the blitz and the team even improved their possession as the game wore on. As I was heading down the stairs in the 90th minute, Landon Donovan broke free and feinted out Mexican keeper Oswaldo Sanchez to bury the Tricolores for good. I am happy to say there were no fisticuffs on the way out.
If you ever go to Diploma Mill Stadium, park in the Brown Lot. It's on 91st Street, across the street from the stadium. It's absolutely enormous, they will bus you over in luxury coaches, drop you off and pick you up, and you can drive away without a traffic jam. I stumbled on to it because I got there early, but I would recommend it for anyone.
Anybody want to play some golf tommorrow? God, am I bored.
Monday, February 05, 2007
BY THE TIME I GET TO PHOENIX...IT'LL BE YESTERDAY
Yes, I'm in Phoenix, the capital of Arizona, and aridity (ask my sinuses). Why? Why not? I'm trying for every state west of the Pecos. It's a personal quest.
I had the worst Super Bowl experience of almost anyone in America, short of Bears fans who electrocuted themselves while making bratwurst dip. I watched the game in a no-service hotel (which is what this particular chain should rename themselves), in Phoenix, on a 15" very low-def TV, with a migraine, and the team I hate more than any other won. Beat that!
Prior to that, I went out and watched the gripping battle between Jeff Quinney and Aaron Baddeley for the FBC Open title at the TPC of Scottsdale. Not exactly Tiger and Phil at Augusta. Hell, it's not exactly Fred Funk and Scott Verplank at the Greater Greensboro. At least Baddeley's (usually young, female) fans are prone to wearing tight blue tank tops. If not for that, the gallery would have been sucked up into a vortex of white-breaded blandness. Badds won, long after I had left to catch the game.
Now I'm staring at 4 more days of self-paced training, which I could finish in two if I wanted to. Hmmm, do you think my company would mind if I buy casino chips in Vegas on my corporate credit card?
I had the worst Super Bowl experience of almost anyone in America, short of Bears fans who electrocuted themselves while making bratwurst dip. I watched the game in a no-service hotel (which is what this particular chain should rename themselves), in Phoenix, on a 15" very low-def TV, with a migraine, and the team I hate more than any other won. Beat that!
Prior to that, I went out and watched the gripping battle between Jeff Quinney and Aaron Baddeley for the FBC Open title at the TPC of Scottsdale. Not exactly Tiger and Phil at Augusta. Hell, it's not exactly Fred Funk and Scott Verplank at the Greater Greensboro. At least Baddeley's (usually young, female) fans are prone to wearing tight blue tank tops. If not for that, the gallery would have been sucked up into a vortex of white-breaded blandness. Badds won, long after I had left to catch the game.
Now I'm staring at 4 more days of self-paced training, which I could finish in two if I wanted to. Hmmm, do you think my company would mind if I buy casino chips in Vegas on my corporate credit card?
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A.B.B. - 795
It's been a while, so let's check in with the A.B.B. field.
REPUBLICANS
John McCain - Big Mac veers ever rightward, becoming the Senate's spear-carrier on Bush's surge plan. Until he formally hires Rove and gets on the complete values-voter bandwagon, his evangelical support will continue to be tepid.
Rudy Giuliani - No incriminating photos of him in bed with men yet. I hear he will be speaking at the National Petrochemical and Refiners Association conference in March. Since I might (and the CEO's of several oil companies will) be there, all I can say is, good move! Maybe I'll do a blog entry after I shake his hand.
Mitt Romney - My Man Mitt is working hard to ban gay marriage in Massachusetts before he steps down as Governor. This is a canny strategy, since it helps him with the skeptical evangelical crowd, and will probably be completely forgotten by everyone else once the ban is ultimately defeated.
Sam Brownback - Oh, no, he might actually run.
Newt Gingrich - Oh, yes, he might actually run!
Tom Tancredo - Little-known outside the Minuteman community, he's pretty much a one-issue candidate. If that one issue should happen to be thrust into the forefront because of a terrorist attack launched from Mexico, for example, he might get some play, but otherwise, he's a non-starter.
George Allen - Toast.
Mike Huckabee - Still trim and ready to lose.
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton - Oh, Hillary. Just when you thought you had a clear path to the nomination, a certain Illinois Senator vists New Hampshire. I'm not sure who is licking their chops more, the dark forces of insidious sexism or those of insidious racism, but since sexism is generally more acceptable, I'm thinking Hillary's in big trouble.
Barack Hussein Obama - Yes, I did list his full name, but I'm not a dark force of insidious racism, as far as I know. I'm just getting everyone prepared. This not entirely surprising newcomer to our shindig threw his sort-of hat into the maybe ring with his aforementioned sojourn northeastward. Is America ready for Obama? asks the newsweeklies. The correct question is, is Obama ready to have his hide ripped opened by the newsweeklies, bloggers, Gang of 500, the Sons Of The Confederacy, and Us Magazine et. al., etc., for the next two years? Or, does Obama know a damned thing about foreign policy? Both questions will have to be answered, and soon.
John Edwards - Edwards, Tom Vilsack, and Dennis Kucinich are the only official candidates right now. I rate all of their chances to be about as dismal, despite Edwards' significantly higher profile. Edwards has taken his anti-poverty advocacy to a higher level with the formation of One Corps. This is odd for a 2008 presidential candidate, since poverty is not even one of the top ten issues that people who are polled think is the most important. The top 5 or 6 are the disastrous occupation of Iraq and the related strains this has had on the larger War Against Extremists Who Use Terror As A Weapon or whatever it's called. In Edwards' press conference (in the 9th Ward of New Orleans to maximize the poverty theme) announcing his candidacy, he repudiated his own vote for the war as a mistake. So, why exactly should we trust you to not make the same kinds of egregious mistakes as President?
Al Gore - He's teasing us. We'll get Melissa Rivers to ask him on the red carpet.
John Kerry - French Toast.
REPUBLICANS
John McCain - Big Mac veers ever rightward, becoming the Senate's spear-carrier on Bush's surge plan. Until he formally hires Rove and gets on the complete values-voter bandwagon, his evangelical support will continue to be tepid.
Rudy Giuliani - No incriminating photos of him in bed with men yet. I hear he will be speaking at the National Petrochemical and Refiners Association conference in March. Since I might (and the CEO's of several oil companies will) be there, all I can say is, good move! Maybe I'll do a blog entry after I shake his hand.
Mitt Romney - My Man Mitt is working hard to ban gay marriage in Massachusetts before he steps down as Governor. This is a canny strategy, since it helps him with the skeptical evangelical crowd, and will probably be completely forgotten by everyone else once the ban is ultimately defeated.
Sam Brownback - Oh, no, he might actually run.
Newt Gingrich - Oh, yes, he might actually run!
Tom Tancredo - Little-known outside the Minuteman community, he's pretty much a one-issue candidate. If that one issue should happen to be thrust into the forefront because of a terrorist attack launched from Mexico, for example, he might get some play, but otherwise, he's a non-starter.
George Allen - Toast.
Mike Huckabee - Still trim and ready to lose.
DEMOCRATS
Hillary Clinton - Oh, Hillary. Just when you thought you had a clear path to the nomination, a certain Illinois Senator vists New Hampshire. I'm not sure who is licking their chops more, the dark forces of insidious sexism or those of insidious racism, but since sexism is generally more acceptable, I'm thinking Hillary's in big trouble.
Barack Hussein Obama - Yes, I did list his full name, but I'm not a dark force of insidious racism, as far as I know. I'm just getting everyone prepared. This not entirely surprising newcomer to our shindig threw his sort-of hat into the maybe ring with his aforementioned sojourn northeastward. Is America ready for Obama? asks the newsweeklies. The correct question is, is Obama ready to have his hide ripped opened by the newsweeklies, bloggers, Gang of 500, the Sons Of The Confederacy, and Us Magazine et. al., etc., for the next two years? Or, does Obama know a damned thing about foreign policy? Both questions will have to be answered, and soon.
John Edwards - Edwards, Tom Vilsack, and Dennis Kucinich are the only official candidates right now. I rate all of their chances to be about as dismal, despite Edwards' significantly higher profile. Edwards has taken his anti-poverty advocacy to a higher level with the formation of One Corps. This is odd for a 2008 presidential candidate, since poverty is not even one of the top ten issues that people who are polled think is the most important. The top 5 or 6 are the disastrous occupation of Iraq and the related strains this has had on the larger War Against Extremists Who Use Terror As A Weapon or whatever it's called. In Edwards' press conference (in the 9th Ward of New Orleans to maximize the poverty theme) announcing his candidacy, he repudiated his own vote for the war as a mistake. So, why exactly should we trust you to not make the same kinds of egregious mistakes as President?
Al Gore - He's teasing us. We'll get Melissa Rivers to ask him on the red carpet.
John Kerry - French Toast.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
INDY, WATCH OUT FOR THE DONUT HOLE!
So, 64-year-old Harrison Ford is gearing up to don the fedora again as Indiana Jones. Hmmm, what will they call it?
ROCK MY WORLD
I'm in love. Yes, with my wife (Hi, honey! Stop spying on me!), but also with NBC's "30 Rock". Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels have produced what may be the perfect sitcom, with the one-camera, no-laugh-track feel of "Arrested Development" combined with the inside-the-business vibe of "Entourage" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm". At heart, though, "30 Rock" is a post-modern "Mary Tyler Moore Show".
Fey plays the Mary Richards role, a single woman in the city, working on a TV show (sketch comedy instead of news), exasperated at being surrounded by so many egomaniacs and imbeciles. The Lou Grant character is handled with stunning comic brilliance by Alec Baldwin. Like Mr. Grant, Baldwin's Jack Donaghy superficially regards Fey's Liz Lemon with an "I hate spunk" contempt, but secretly he roots for her, despite what he perceives to be her endless weaknesses. Baldwin plays Jack (his title: Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming) as if he's osmosed all the managerial wisdom of Jack Welch, Stephen Covey, and Sun-Tzu to become the Super-Executive, although perhaps he's also accidentally absorbed a little too much Bill O'Reilly. Filling the Ted Baxter part is Tracy Jordan, the star of Lemon's "The Girlie Show," played by another SNL alum, Tracy Morgan. Tracy is an out-of-control moron-from-the-hood, barely held together by his posse and the rest of the crew, especially the Harvard-educated Toofer (Keith Powell), his nerdy black comic foil. The Murray Slaughters in the cast are TGS staff writers Pete Hornberger, played by Scott Adsit, and Frank Rossitano, played by Judah Friedlander. Finally, Jane Krakowski plays the slutty Sue Ann Niven role of Jenna Mulroney, female lead on "The Girlie Show".
Like Mary, Liz is hopeless when it comes to men. Her on-and-off boyfriend, Dennis (Dean Winters), is a bridge-and-tunnel knucklehead who is so stuck in the 80's that he sells pagers for a living. One of the funniest scenes in the first few episodes is when Dennis, who had worked his way back into Liz's good graces after she had prepared a long list of his "Pro's and Con's", is caught by Dateline NBC's pedophile hunters. "THAT is definitely a CON!" Liz hollers at him. After temporarily dumping Dennis, Liz allows Jenna to drag her to a nightclub, where she is less than impressive. "You think she looks like Jessica Simpson?" screeches Liz at some investment bankers as she points at Jenna. "You could put a blond wig on a ferret and you would think it looked like Jessica Simpson. And besides, Jessica Simpson would think you were old and gross!" In another episode, Jack sets up Liz on a blind date with someone named Thomas, who ends up being Gretchen Thomas, a lesbian. "Do people often assume you’re a lesbian?" asks Gretchen. “I don’t know,” Liz replies. Cut to a flashback of her dikey gym teacher in middle school hugging her, saying "Don't let the other kids stop you from being who you really are," and her dentist telling her "You need to brush more, young man."
Aside from it's similarities to MTM, "30 Rock" also shines for its quirkiness. There is a running gag about Liz having a disastrous relationship with Conan O'Brien ("the tall, gawky red-head who always played the guitar," as Pete calls him), and Jack briefly dated Condoleezza Rice. "What are you wearing?" Jack coos over the phone. "Black dress, black stockings...oh, a funeral. Sorry." Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), the slightly dim-witted but always cheerful NBC page from Georgia has some classic moments as well. Sent on an errand to fetch Tracy's psych drugs, he finds the same drug store chain on all four street corners. "Frankly you were not very helpful, LaDonica," he politely tells the large, sneering black woman behind one of the wrong pharmacy counters. Later, Kenneth displays his clogging prowess to an empty Conan O'Brien studio. "You're a weird guy, Kenneth," says Conan as he leaves for the night.
At the moment, "30 Rock" seems to be fated to a shorter than deserved run. It was moved from Wednesdays to follow "My Name Is Earl", "The Office" and "Scrubs" at 9:30 pm on Thursdays, which might help, but it is still being endlessly and stupidly compared to "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip", also on NBC and also about an SNL-type variety show. Where "30 Rock" is a 30-minute sitcom, "Studio 60" is a one-hour, Aaron Sorkin-written, multi-layered, talky dramedy, and so far very few critics seem to understand that. Here's hoping that NBC can find a home for "30 Rock", and that like the "Mary Tyler Moore Show", it's a long, long way to being taken off the air.
Fey plays the Mary Richards role, a single woman in the city, working on a TV show (sketch comedy instead of news), exasperated at being surrounded by so many egomaniacs and imbeciles. The Lou Grant character is handled with stunning comic brilliance by Alec Baldwin. Like Mr. Grant, Baldwin's Jack Donaghy superficially regards Fey's Liz Lemon with an "I hate spunk" contempt, but secretly he roots for her, despite what he perceives to be her endless weaknesses. Baldwin plays Jack (his title: Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming) as if he's osmosed all the managerial wisdom of Jack Welch, Stephen Covey, and Sun-Tzu to become the Super-Executive, although perhaps he's also accidentally absorbed a little too much Bill O'Reilly. Filling the Ted Baxter part is Tracy Jordan, the star of Lemon's "The Girlie Show," played by another SNL alum, Tracy Morgan. Tracy is an out-of-control moron-from-the-hood, barely held together by his posse and the rest of the crew, especially the Harvard-educated Toofer (Keith Powell), his nerdy black comic foil. The Murray Slaughters in the cast are TGS staff writers Pete Hornberger, played by Scott Adsit, and Frank Rossitano, played by Judah Friedlander. Finally, Jane Krakowski plays the slutty Sue Ann Niven role of Jenna Mulroney, female lead on "The Girlie Show".
Like Mary, Liz is hopeless when it comes to men. Her on-and-off boyfriend, Dennis (Dean Winters), is a bridge-and-tunnel knucklehead who is so stuck in the 80's that he sells pagers for a living. One of the funniest scenes in the first few episodes is when Dennis, who had worked his way back into Liz's good graces after she had prepared a long list of his "Pro's and Con's", is caught by Dateline NBC's pedophile hunters. "THAT is definitely a CON!" Liz hollers at him. After temporarily dumping Dennis, Liz allows Jenna to drag her to a nightclub, where she is less than impressive. "You think she looks like Jessica Simpson?" screeches Liz at some investment bankers as she points at Jenna. "You could put a blond wig on a ferret and you would think it looked like Jessica Simpson. And besides, Jessica Simpson would think you were old and gross!" In another episode, Jack sets up Liz on a blind date with someone named Thomas, who ends up being Gretchen Thomas, a lesbian. "Do people often assume you’re a lesbian?" asks Gretchen. “I don’t know,” Liz replies. Cut to a flashback of her dikey gym teacher in middle school hugging her, saying "Don't let the other kids stop you from being who you really are," and her dentist telling her "You need to brush more, young man."
Aside from it's similarities to MTM, "30 Rock" also shines for its quirkiness. There is a running gag about Liz having a disastrous relationship with Conan O'Brien ("the tall, gawky red-head who always played the guitar," as Pete calls him), and Jack briefly dated Condoleezza Rice. "What are you wearing?" Jack coos over the phone. "Black dress, black stockings...oh, a funeral. Sorry." Kenneth (Jack McBrayer), the slightly dim-witted but always cheerful NBC page from Georgia has some classic moments as well. Sent on an errand to fetch Tracy's psych drugs, he finds the same drug store chain on all four street corners. "Frankly you were not very helpful, LaDonica," he politely tells the large, sneering black woman behind one of the wrong pharmacy counters. Later, Kenneth displays his clogging prowess to an empty Conan O'Brien studio. "You're a weird guy, Kenneth," says Conan as he leaves for the night.
At the moment, "30 Rock" seems to be fated to a shorter than deserved run. It was moved from Wednesdays to follow "My Name Is Earl", "The Office" and "Scrubs" at 9:30 pm on Thursdays, which might help, but it is still being endlessly and stupidly compared to "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip", also on NBC and also about an SNL-type variety show. Where "30 Rock" is a 30-minute sitcom, "Studio 60" is a one-hour, Aaron Sorkin-written, multi-layered, talky dramedy, and so far very few critics seem to understand that. Here's hoping that NBC can find a home for "30 Rock", and that like the "Mary Tyler Moore Show", it's a long, long way to being taken off the air.
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