MIGHT AS WELL
Ok, so I'm standing in line for Spiderman 2 yesterday, and I see a poster for the new movie, "Alien Vs. Predator". So I figure, if you're going to combine two movies, why not go for broke?
Saturday, July 03, 2004
WEAK OFF
Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.
Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?
Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.
Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?
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Friday, June 18, 2004
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
AMERICA'S LEAST READ BLOG?
A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.
In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.
A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.
In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
MAY CAUSE INCREASED PROFITS
The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.
Sign up today!
The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.
Sign up today!
Friday, May 28, 2004
AWWWWW...
I won't be going to North Jersey for a week in June after all. I was the only one in my training class who completed the pre-requisite computer-based training, so they postponed it to September. Typical. Oh well. I hear the New York City area in September can be very beautiful! You know, when planes aren't slamming into buildings and causing mass destruction and widespread panic.
I won't be going to North Jersey for a week in June after all. I was the only one in my training class who completed the pre-requisite computer-based training, so they postponed it to September. Typical. Oh well. I hear the New York City area in September can be very beautiful! You know, when planes aren't slamming into buildings and causing mass destruction and widespread panic.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
STILL ALIVE AS FAR AS I KNOW
Welcome to the continuing summer edition the Project, also known as the "Tim is completely out of things to say now that George Bush is a proven war criminal" edition. I guess I'll have to resort to my own sad personal life. So, any highlights? Well, I'm seriously considering laser eye surgery. I went in for an evaluation, and they put some drops in my eyes that made me feel what it would be like to be $3,000 poorer. That went well. They also made my pupils dilate to the point where I reacted to the sunlight like your average vampire. This only lasted for about, oh, three days and two migraine headaches. I enjoyed that so much I'm going to do it again at another place next week. I think I'm secretly hoping I fail the tests at the second place. Sans glasses, I may not have enough room in my social calendar for this web log, and what a pity that would be.
In June, I'll be heading up to Tony Soprano Land, aka North Jersey. I have some training at a sister refinery for a week. I'll be staying in a lovely establishment in Linden that has a breathtaking view of the famed Newark Airport Aircraft Service Depot. Gotta remember to bring my camera!
Later in June, it's our yearly vacation jaunt. This year, it's Salem, MA. No we're not getting married. For one thing, we're of the opposite sex, and for another thing, we're already married. I mean, if pressed, I could marry Matt Damon if he was in town. He was so adorable in "The Talented Mr. Ripley", albeit a tad homicidal.
In August, I'll be returning to the site of my upbringing in Upstate NY for my niece's wedding. No, she's not gay either. I'm so apolitical when it gets right down to it. After we get back from that, it's off to the Prince concert at the Wachovia Center. We should fit right in that crowd. I hope they don't have a funkiness test at the gate, or at least we can go off to a private room, like they do at the airport. Finally, the summer may or may not conclude with yet another trip to Houston for some more training. Ah, I do love a boondoggle.
After that, I promise, I'll be back and rarin' to go with web log business. Unless the herd takes another direction, of course.
Welcome to the continuing summer edition the Project, also known as the "Tim is completely out of things to say now that George Bush is a proven war criminal" edition. I guess I'll have to resort to my own sad personal life. So, any highlights? Well, I'm seriously considering laser eye surgery. I went in for an evaluation, and they put some drops in my eyes that made me feel what it would be like to be $3,000 poorer. That went well. They also made my pupils dilate to the point where I reacted to the sunlight like your average vampire. This only lasted for about, oh, three days and two migraine headaches. I enjoyed that so much I'm going to do it again at another place next week. I think I'm secretly hoping I fail the tests at the second place. Sans glasses, I may not have enough room in my social calendar for this web log, and what a pity that would be.
In June, I'll be heading up to Tony Soprano Land, aka North Jersey. I have some training at a sister refinery for a week. I'll be staying in a lovely establishment in Linden that has a breathtaking view of the famed Newark Airport Aircraft Service Depot. Gotta remember to bring my camera!
Later in June, it's our yearly vacation jaunt. This year, it's Salem, MA. No we're not getting married. For one thing, we're of the opposite sex, and for another thing, we're already married. I mean, if pressed, I could marry Matt Damon if he was in town. He was so adorable in "The Talented Mr. Ripley", albeit a tad homicidal.
In August, I'll be returning to the site of my upbringing in Upstate NY for my niece's wedding. No, she's not gay either. I'm so apolitical when it gets right down to it. After we get back from that, it's off to the Prince concert at the Wachovia Center. We should fit right in that crowd. I hope they don't have a funkiness test at the gate, or at least we can go off to a private room, like they do at the airport. Finally, the summer may or may not conclude with yet another trip to Houston for some more training. Ah, I do love a boondoggle.
After that, I promise, I'll be back and rarin' to go with web log business. Unless the herd takes another direction, of course.
Friday, May 14, 2004
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE DATING
As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?
In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!
As part of the continuing "iPod Comes Alive" Concert Series, my wife and I will be attending the Rosanne Cash show in Princeton, NJ tonight. I have the hots for Rosanne Cash because she kind of looks like my wife. How pathetic is that?
In other news, the Travelocity gnome will be traveling to Provincetown to marry Mr. Clean. Wish them the best!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Thursday, May 06, 2004
AMIS FINIS
I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!
I just got done watching the Friends finale. Wow, who'd have guessed Gunther was with Al-Qaeda, and that they were building a nuclear device in the back of Central Perk, and that Joey would unwittingly set it off by calling the wrong number on a cell phone, causing the entire Friends cast to be incinerated at 11,000°F along with the five boroughs of New York and parts of Essex County, NJ, except for Joey, of course, who now has to battle mutants in a post-apocalyptic hell of his own making in the spin-off produced, directed and written by Ridley Scott! Cool!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
CHERISH YOUR MEMORIES
The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!
If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!
The U.S. Army, world leaders in invading foreign countries, toppling statues, and just plain blowing shit up, have moved on to our latest conquest: Photography! For example, if you're getting married soon, Uncle Sam wants you! We can provide your wedding party with the kind of sophisticated, tasteful, and fun photography that the U.S. Army is known for. Just look at some of our past work!
If you want to put that unique Army style into your special day, call 1-800-FOTO-FUN today!
Monday, April 26, 2004
IN AND AROUND THE LAKE
I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.
The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.
My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.
I'm back from Lake Chuck. Lake Charles, Louisiana is like New Orleans, but without the music, the history, the charm, or the devil-may-care ambience, and double the squalor. I stayed at a place called "Best Suites", which referred, one would hope, to its rank among the accommodations of Lake Charles, and not of the larger earth as a whole. One would hope.
The trip was unremarkable, save the slavish devotion to work-related activities amongst my colleagues. They really need to lighten up a bit. If your idea of a good time is listening to a lecture on steam traps at 8 PM while munching on pizza, you'd fit in nicely with this bunch. Of course, if you are such a person, I would have paid you to take my place.
My favorite moment of the week was the giant billboard on I-10 posted by one or another of the casinos honoring local citizens of note. In giant letters, the sign read "Dr. Harry Swindle". Yup, that's just the kind of physician you'd expect a casino to be associated with.
Monday, April 19, 2004
I'M OFF
To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.
To no one in particular let me just say that I'll be traveling to Lake Charles, Louisiana for the rest of the week, and I will most likely be unable to edify you with my cogent commentary on the human condition, unless you happen to be standing within earshot, of course. If that should happen to be the case, please buy me a drink.
SUCKER MOM
So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).
From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.
So I was eating at Subway with my lovely bride this Sunday, and on the outside of the store, there is a poster showing the upper torso and face of an attractive middle-aged woman, leaning back, hands behind her head, with an extremely self-satisfied look, while two boys in the distance kick a soccer ball around. The tag line on the poster is, "Your Dinner Solution" (sadly, Subway has not put this poster on their web site).
From the look on her face, it appears that she is somebody's dinner solution.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME IV
You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.
"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."
* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.
You know the drill. This is from a New York Times article about two huge bridges being built in remote areas of Alaska at the behest of Alaska Republican Representative Don Young.
"I'd like to be a little oinker, myself," Mr. Young told a Republican lunch crowd here, taking mock offense at the suggestion that Ted Stevens, the Alaska Republican who is chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, directs more pork to their state than he does. "If he's the chief porker, I'm upset."
* Not really trademarked. Kind of like how that White House memo titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike Inside The United States" is not really about Bin Laden being determined to strike inside the United States. I think it's really about bowling.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
IF IT HAPPENS, IT HAPPENS
Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.
That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!
Phil Mickelson has won the Masters.
That leaves me one closer to the top of the list of the greatest golfers never to win a major. It's only been a few hours and the pressure is getting unbearable. Get off my back, will ya!
Thursday, April 08, 2004
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF WAR
Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!
"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"
You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.
"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"
On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:
- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!
- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!
- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"
"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"
Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.
So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?
Welcome to the Office of Strategic Communications! We're here to tell you what's really going on in Iraq. Don't believe what you read in the papers! Or hear on the radio. Or see on TV. Or what our own soldiers say. It's all a myth! Iraq is doing great. Just read some of our press releases!
"Beautification Plan For Baghdad Ready to Begin"
You now, as soon as we stop getting shot at. It's going to be great! We're talking topiary in the shape of George W. Bush (in his flight suit), painting over the anti-American graffiti with murals of Jesus, and our patented "Bomb Crater Floral Bonanza" program.
"The Reality is like Nothing You See on Television"
On American TV anyway. The real reality is much more real than that fake reality on CNN. We have reality up to our night vision goggles in the new Iraq, and we're just getting started. Here's a lineup of the great new reality shows we'll be dishing up on Iraqi TV:
- "The Baghdad Bachelor" Twenty-five ladies in burqas compete for the hand of a lucky Iraqi hunk. Little does he know, but one of them is "Touched By An Angel" star Roma Downey! Will he get lucky? Find out!
- "Fear Factor: Iraq" Watch as contestants navigate mine fields, wear bikinis in a mosque, and eat prop turkey meat!
- "The Apprentice Lobbyist" Twelve contestants vie to be the Ahmed Chalabi's information funnel to the Pentagon. Look for Chalabi's signature phrase when one of the contestants is booted out: "I will kill you now!"
"Optimists Club Organizes Baghdad Chapter"
Sure, their main objective is for Baghdad to avoid being reduced to cinders in a bloody and protracted civil war, but it's a start! Look for the student essay contest entitled, "What A Free Iraq Means To Me". Essays will be judged by Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz on grammar, spelling, and overall implausability.
So, as you can see, we're doing great things in Iraq. Why would we lie?
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
HALLELUJAH, INC.
Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.
In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.
Jennifer Lopez's mother has won $2.4 million at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City. "It was God's will," said Mrs. Lopez.
In related news, God is now the Boyd Gaming Corporation, owner of the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City.
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