SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER

I don't know whether this is also the gayest thing I've ever seen, or simply the most inappropriate.

CAN I GIVE BACK BOTH PATRIOTS SUPER BOWL WINS?

Well, let me say congratulations to the meek, the frightened, the dim-witted, the sanctimonious, the self-righteous, the weak-willed, the hypocritical, the corrupt, the greedy, the bigoted, the intolerant, the ignorant, the asinine, the reptilian, the oblivious, the moronic, the stupid, the arrogant, the uninformed, the dogmatic, the amoral, and the tens of millions of Americans who didn't even bother to show up:

Your guy won!

AS IF I COULDN'T HEAR THE SHOUTING FROM HERE

So, who won the game last night?

NASAL DRIP

This is one of the few things in the world I can think of that is worse than cancer (scroll down to "Wake Up Call", and please, do not read anything else ever in the NY Post).

BLISS

A BLOG ENTRY

Jodi has another in her series of gym-related entries, so I thought I'd weigh in. Weigh in!Ha! I'm so damn clever.

So, anyway, I'm at the gym, doing the weight-machine-circuit thing, and this subhuman has decided to work out on one machine while draping his towel over an adjacent machine. The machine I want to use next. Effectively, he is now working on two machines at the same time! (It isn't doing him any good.) After pausing to consider congratulating him on his efficiency (not likely), or possibly shoving his towel up into his transverse colon (I ain't touching that thing) (the towel or the colon), I decided to move onto another machine and come back. Our dear friend proceeded to alternate between the two machines for the better part of 15 minutes, always taking time between exercises to sit and reflect on, oh whatever it is a prodigious intellect such as his is wont to reflect on (The TV show "According To Jim"?). I didn't stop to look, but the odds that he wiped down either machine with his handy towel are lower than the chances of Dick Cheney giving Rosie O'Donnell an orgasm.

And then I went home the end.

SIC SAD WORLD^TM*, Volume, um, whatever

Alan Keyes, on children of gay couples (courtesy Chicago SunTimes):

"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable," Keyes told the Marquette Park rally held to oppose same-sex marriages.

"Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of."

* Not really. Again.

SAY A LITTLE PRAYER

Remember when the Medicare drug cards came out, and TCP started our own Medicare drug card program? Turns out, the competition was pretty cutthroat, and well, it actually required more than sitting back and cashing checks from gullible senior citizens, which was what we were going for.

But lo, in light of this news, a light hath shineth upon us! Today, TCP is announcing the first-ever and only that we know of PHMO (Prayer Health Maintenance Organization).

For a low low monthly fee (see plan prospectus for definition of "low"), TCP's enormous readership will pray for your health! The details are listed below:

Annual Deductible...................Varies. How much money do you have?
Annual Out-of-Pocket**..............See above.
Lifetime Maximum....................This is getting redundant
Inpatient Hospitalization...........85%/One dozen novenas
Out-of-Area Dependent Coverage......We'll send a letter to Jimmy Swaggart
Physician Office Visits.............Three Hail Marys
Specialist Visit....................Two Our Fathers
Well-Baby Care......................Priest will "baby-sit" until age 15 or so (male only)
Mammograms..........................Nun will visit house personally
Outpatient Surgery..................100%, psychic surgery only

Behavioral Health
Inpatient...........................Prayer to St. Joan, patron saint of loonies
Substance Abuse.....................Hey, we're in a War on Drugs, remember?

Maternity Care
Prenatal and Postnatal Visits.......100%, but if you even think about abortion, 0%

Hospital Services
Oral Surgery........................That would be St. Guy, patron saint of Hockey
Infertility.........................St. Hugh, patron saint of knockin' boots.

Vision Benefits
Eye exam............................St. Ghwsnq
Glasses, Contacts, etc..............St. Urkel

Emergency Care......................Mass said in your honor. Oh wait, that's only if, well, you know.

Sign up today!

BATTLE OF THE BULGES

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A PERLE

"President" George W. Bush, yesterday:

"...(the) Taliban no longer is in existence."

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan - Officials are investigating a series of puzzling disappearances of large numbers of soldiers, officials, and clerics that were, until yesterday, collectively known as the Taliban. "It was bizarre," said local resident Abdel Sharaz. "Once minute they were here, oppressing us, enforcing strict Sharia law, engaging in various military acts against the beleaguered Kabul government, and then, whoosh!, they were gone! It was like magic!"

Numerous reports around the war-ravaged country corroborate Sharaz' story. Armed men with beards and heavy weaponry who had, until yesterday, been in control of several mountainous sectors of Afghanistan near the Pakistani border suddenly vanished, seemingly in the blink of an eye. A senior White House official, when asked for comment, said, "Clearly, the will of this President is so strong that merely mentioning something in a speech can physically make it so. What other explanation could there be?"

Apparently not aware of the massive, sudden disappearance of the Taliban from the country, Kabul official Jailani Khan blamed the Taliban today for killing three Afghan soldiers. Also, US forces were clearly mistaken in arresting 15 "Taliban militia" members today near the Pakistan border. Finally, U.S. military spokesman Major Scott Nelson should be quickly retracting his statement today that "the international community must stand firm against a small minority of terrorists who oppose stability and democracy and are trying to deny the Afghan people the right to choose the president," now that the Taliban no longer exist.

"Um, we had a little lag in the information pipeline," said a senior White House official. "It's halfway around the world. What do you expect? Shoot, most of the American middle class doesn't even realize yet that they got a huge tax cut!"

NAME THAT COUNTRY

Donald Rumsfeld, last week:

"Let's say you tried to have an election and you could have it in three-quarters or four-fifths of the country, but some places you couldn't, because the violence was too great, well, so be it. You have an election that's not quite perfect. Is it better than not having an election? You bet."

GOODBYE, KITTY



Sterling
c.1990 - August 27, 2004

The sun burst through in unlooked for directions,
Strong thoughts fill you and confidence, you smile,
You forget you are sick, as I forget you are sick,
You do not see the medicines, you do not mind the weeping friends,
I am with you,
I exclude others from you, there is nothing to be commiserated,
I do not commiserate, I congratulate you.

Walt Whitman

Beloved companion, devoted pet, loving cat-sister.
We will miss you dearly.

TOOK LONGER THAN I THOUGHT, ACTUALLY

It's official. I'm sick of the Olympics. Just in case you were wondering.

TOP TEN REJECTED HOMELAND SECURITY MASCOT IDEAS

10. Survivey the Cockroach

9. Hidey the Turtle

8. Tattletale the Rat

7. Soary the Airborne Surveillance Eagle

6. Convenient the Threat Level Chameleon

5. Halliburty the Ravenous Octopus

4. Oblivikitty

3. Cheney the Chicken Hawk

2. Happy the Non-American Animal

and the Number 1 rejected Homeland Security mascot idea is:

1. Pre-empty the Belligerent Texas Weasel

WE CAN REBUILD HIM
 
Hey, I'm back, again!  This time, I've returned from the land of Myopia.  That's right, I'm no longer nearsighted!  I got the Lasik, and boy have things changed.  Before I was this guy.  Now, I'm this guy.  Oh well.
 
In other news, um...there is no other news. See you the next time I get surgically altered, or when I damn well feel like it.

MIGHT AS WELL

Ok, so I'm standing in line for Spiderman 2 yesterday, and I see a poster for the new movie, "Alien Vs. Predator". So I figure, if you're going to combine two movies, why not go for broke?

WEAK OFF

Hey, I'm back! We took a vacation to the North Shore of Massachusetts. I learned that the Salem witch trials were only historically significant enough to deserve a really, really cheesy memorial. And that a T car can hold a greater population density than the average clown vehicle.

Also, why in the hell is a dancing Uncle Junior the new corporate symbol of Six Flags?

TOP TEN REJECTED NEW NAMES FOR MADONNA

10. Cantactia

9. Omarosa

8. Rumsfeld

7. Osama

6. Skippy

5. Big Pussy

4. Al Roker

3. Rose Marie To Block

2. Apple

And the number one rejected new name for Madonna is:

1. The Inveterate Publicity Hound Formerly Known As Madonna

AMERICA'S LEAST READ BLOG?

A research scientist by the name of Tim Long has determined that El Paso, Texas is America's Sweatiest City.

In related news, Tim Long has been named America's Biggest Fucking Waste Of A College Education.

MAY CAUSE INCREASED PROFITS

The Medicare Discount Drug Card program kicked off today. TCP was all over this, of course. We scraped together a nice contribution to the Bush campaign, which allowed us to join the multitude of companies offering discount drug cards. A sample card appears below.



Sign up today!