 |  |
| Angel Pagan | Aziz Ansari |
Eh. Maybe not. Whatever.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
TCP's ALASKA: SUMMER
It's officially summer in the Last Place You'd Ever Want To Live Frontier. This means that yahoos from the lower 48 in rental Winnebagos are streaming in by the duh-full to catch salmon on the Kenai River. The contempt felt by the locals toward these fair-weather (for here, anyway) visitors is palpable. I find this odd, since many of the locals got their start this way, or at least their parents did. There is something very territorial in Alaskans, even if they just arrived themselves. They call those who haven't survived a winter here cheechakos, which is an Aleut word that means "haole". As it is in Hawaii, my status is somewhere to the left of cheechako/haole and to the right of sourdough/kama'aiana. Well, I'll never be a kama'aina in Hawaii. Once a haole, always a haole.
I've been here three months now, and my project hasn't even started, which is very disconcerting. I've been trying to get out ahead of things, nonetheless, and as of Friday we issued the PO to our vendor, which I hope means that things should start picking up. From tomorrow to the middle of December should be a long, boring slog of meetings, e-mails, designs, drawings, revisions, more revisions, even more revisions, even more even more revisions. and them some actual work, all happening as the daylight hours get shorter and shorter very quickly. It'll be fun when the vendor folks are in town and we can get free lunches and the occasional free dinner, and sit around bullshitting about our respective companies and management.
Hey, there goes a Winnebago with a moose laying across the windshield!
I've been here three months now, and my project hasn't even started, which is very disconcerting. I've been trying to get out ahead of things, nonetheless, and as of Friday we issued the PO to our vendor, which I hope means that things should start picking up. From tomorrow to the middle of December should be a long, boring slog of meetings, e-mails, designs, drawings, revisions, more revisions, even more revisions, even more even more revisions. and them some actual work, all happening as the daylight hours get shorter and shorter very quickly. It'll be fun when the vendor folks are in town and we can get free lunches and the occasional free dinner, and sit around bullshitting about our respective companies and management.
Hey, there goes a Winnebago with a moose laying across the windshield!
Sunday, July 03, 2011
ME GOVERN LONG TIME
Yingluck Shinawatra has won election as the first female Prime Minister of Thailand.
If I were Thailand, I would double-check that, is all I'm saying.
If I were Thailand, I would double-check that, is all I'm saying.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
THE NEVERENDING STOOOOORRRY!
"President" Barack Obama today released a super-8 video with a date stamp of August 4, 1961 that shows shots of his mother on her way to the hospital, with the unmistakeable silhouette of Diamond Head rising over Waikiki Beach in the background, pulling into the hospital that is clearly marked as "Kapiolani Maternity and Gynecological Hospital, Honolulu, Hawaii", graphic shots of his mother literally giving birth to him inside the same hospital, various doctors and nurses, many of whom appear to be of Hawaiian descent, proclaiming that it is a boy, and his mother saying, "I'm naming him Barack Hussein Obama".
Orly Taitz responded, "This film was produced by the same people who faked the moon landings, obviously."
Sunday, April 24, 2011
TCP'S ALASKA: EPISODE 2
I took a one-hour walk today along the street where I live. I used to do that in Hawaii pretty regularly, and I'll give you an idea of what I saw.
Number of obscenely hot girls in bikinis seen on my walk: Hawaii - too many to count, Alaska - zero.
Number of churches seen on my walk: Hawaii - just a wedding chapel, where hot Japanese brides and bridesmaids were often posing for photos, Alaska - four (Catholic, Church of God, Baptist, Methodist).
I am beginning to see the error of my ways. However,
Number of Starbucks along my walk: Hawaii - zero, Alaska: one.
Eh, it's not quite the same, but I'll take what I can get.
Number of obscenely hot girls in bikinis seen on my walk: Hawaii - too many to count, Alaska - zero.
Number of churches seen on my walk: Hawaii - just a wedding chapel, where hot Japanese brides and bridesmaids were often posing for photos, Alaska - four (Catholic, Church of God, Baptist, Methodist).
I am beginning to see the error of my ways. However,
Number of Starbucks along my walk: Hawaii - zero, Alaska: one.
Eh, it's not quite the same, but I'll take what I can get.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
TCP'S ALASKA: EPISODE 1
Ok, so I'm really bored, and I decided to actually do this. I'm here in Alaska, somewhere on the Kenai Peninsula, which is...a place (as opposed to a thing or a person).I'm living in a mostly empty rental house that I have furnished with a 42" HDTV, an old leather chair and nightstand that I bought at a thrift store, a TV stand and lamp that I bought at a garage sale, and a bed that I bought from some guy. I have other furniture coming from home, but that's all I have for now.
This particular part of Alaska is full of displaced white flotsam from all over the country, as far as I can surmise. They are mostly western and southern-born, religious, conservative, and armed, probably even at the Safeway. The ones that are not religious appear to consume enough methamphetamine to allow Gus Fring to open up a swath of Los Pollos Hermanos franchises. Then there the ones who find themselves mired here either by birth or by circumstance (you know, like me), and who seem pleasant enough.
The first couple of weeks here were spent equipping the place and taking care of loose ends. I started by buying an SUV from a pretty young nurse with a fake tan and elaborate fingernails, who is either a master criminal or just completely frazzled and disorganized. I'm hoping for the latter. She has yet to provide me with the title to the vehicle I "bought" from her. I have no idea if I'm going to have to turn myself into the police for possessing stolen property, or if she will finally produce the document at some point. She said she was taking a vacation to Hawaii. I'm not sure if she booked that before or after I gave her a check for $6,000. In any event, the truck has been running well. I hope I get to keep it.
After that, I bought all the furniture. Garage sales here are like tween concerts elsewhere. The word goes out on the internet, and blue-haired ladies seeking deals and good ole boys driving panel trucks appear en masse like so many screaming girls at a Justin Bieber show. There isn't much else to do, and times are tough. I was fortunate to get the TV stand and lamp because I left work and showed up two minutes after the sale started.
The bed was much easier, although it was advertised as a queen size and was really a full size that they had welded an extension onto. They do stuff like that up here. Nearly everyone of any means has a gigantic shop with a modest house attached.
When I picked up the leather chair, upon which I am sitting right now, the guy at the thrift shop said, "That's a nice chair. I eat my lunch on that every day." I said, "I'm sorry." He said, "It's ok, it's time for it to go." I still feel sad for the guy. I hope someone dropped off a decent chair for him. After I get my furniture from home, this chair is going in the bedroom, and I might never sit on it again. When TCP's Alaska is up, I'll see if that guy wants it back. He'll be pretty thin by then if he skips lunch for 18 months.
Just before moving in, I dropped about $500 at Wal-Mart. What can you get at Wal-Mart for $500? Not that much in Alaska. I have some pots and pans, some bedding, some miscellaneous kitchen and bathroom stuff, and some groceries. I had to return two different wireless keyboards that weren't compatible with my anti-deluvian work laptop (XP Service Pack 2 - those were the times of our lives!). I bought one on-line, and as it turns out, I think I was just plugging the USB thingy into the wrong port.
Also just prior to moving in, I had the internet and DirecTV installed. The cable company woman who appeared at my house to install the cable had no clue how to get cable to anyplace in the house, and she ended up having to drill a hole in the wall to the garage, where the cable modem and wireless router are now sitting. I had to call the landlord to get permission, and he gave the OK while simultaneously doing his job as an air traffic controller landing planes on the Big Island in Hawaii. I was envisioning the FailBlog headline "FAA investigates plane crash in Hawaii caused by pesky cable modem in Alaska."
The DirecTV guy was in and out comparatively quickly, but not before clogging up the guest toilet with yesterday's dinner. That was nice.
Now I have arrived at the long, slow portion of my stay here where nothing much will be happening. Fortunately, summer is approaching, and I'm hoping that the tourists will liven the place up.
That's all for now. I'll write more if I absolutely have to.
This particular part of Alaska is full of displaced white flotsam from all over the country, as far as I can surmise. They are mostly western and southern-born, religious, conservative, and armed, probably even at the Safeway. The ones that are not religious appear to consume enough methamphetamine to allow Gus Fring to open up a swath of Los Pollos Hermanos franchises. Then there the ones who find themselves mired here either by birth or by circumstance (you know, like me), and who seem pleasant enough.
The first couple of weeks here were spent equipping the place and taking care of loose ends. I started by buying an SUV from a pretty young nurse with a fake tan and elaborate fingernails, who is either a master criminal or just completely frazzled and disorganized. I'm hoping for the latter. She has yet to provide me with the title to the vehicle I "bought" from her. I have no idea if I'm going to have to turn myself into the police for possessing stolen property, or if she will finally produce the document at some point. She said she was taking a vacation to Hawaii. I'm not sure if she booked that before or after I gave her a check for $6,000. In any event, the truck has been running well. I hope I get to keep it.
After that, I bought all the furniture. Garage sales here are like tween concerts elsewhere. The word goes out on the internet, and blue-haired ladies seeking deals and good ole boys driving panel trucks appear en masse like so many screaming girls at a Justin Bieber show. There isn't much else to do, and times are tough. I was fortunate to get the TV stand and lamp because I left work and showed up two minutes after the sale started.
The bed was much easier, although it was advertised as a queen size and was really a full size that they had welded an extension onto. They do stuff like that up here. Nearly everyone of any means has a gigantic shop with a modest house attached.
When I picked up the leather chair, upon which I am sitting right now, the guy at the thrift shop said, "That's a nice chair. I eat my lunch on that every day." I said, "I'm sorry." He said, "It's ok, it's time for it to go." I still feel sad for the guy. I hope someone dropped off a decent chair for him. After I get my furniture from home, this chair is going in the bedroom, and I might never sit on it again. When TCP's Alaska is up, I'll see if that guy wants it back. He'll be pretty thin by then if he skips lunch for 18 months.
Just before moving in, I dropped about $500 at Wal-Mart. What can you get at Wal-Mart for $500? Not that much in Alaska. I have some pots and pans, some bedding, some miscellaneous kitchen and bathroom stuff, and some groceries. I had to return two different wireless keyboards that weren't compatible with my anti-deluvian work laptop (XP Service Pack 2 - those were the times of our lives!). I bought one on-line, and as it turns out, I think I was just plugging the USB thingy into the wrong port.
Also just prior to moving in, I had the internet and DirecTV installed. The cable company woman who appeared at my house to install the cable had no clue how to get cable to anyplace in the house, and she ended up having to drill a hole in the wall to the garage, where the cable modem and wireless router are now sitting. I had to call the landlord to get permission, and he gave the OK while simultaneously doing his job as an air traffic controller landing planes on the Big Island in Hawaii. I was envisioning the FailBlog headline "FAA investigates plane crash in Hawaii caused by pesky cable modem in Alaska."
The DirecTV guy was in and out comparatively quickly, but not before clogging up the guest toilet with yesterday's dinner. That was nice.
Now I have arrived at the long, slow portion of my stay here where nothing much will be happening. Fortunately, summer is approaching, and I'm hoping that the tourists will liven the place up.
That's all for now. I'll write more if I absolutely have to.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
2011 MLB PREDICTIONS
It's baseball time again! Ok, maybe not, but at least put away your NCAA brackets for five minutes, anyway. They were probably busted by VCU, so it shouldn't be that big a deal.
This is the time of year when I post my MLB predictions for the coming season. So far, I've been wrong on almost every one, and I intend to keep that streak alive in 2011.
NL East
Um, I heard the Phillies have some fairly decent pitching. I mean, Doc Halladay, Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels...pfft, they have nothing on the 1939 American League All-Star team, which had four Hall-of-Famers. I mean, Hamels' and Oswalt's chance for the Hall of Fame is tenuous at best. That said, I think they might just eke out a division win anyway. The Braves won't have Bobby Cox to be thrown out of games any more, and will have to find a new designated umpire-baiter. The Marlins final season in Sun Life Stadium For Now will be played in front of nearly dozens of cheering spectators. The Mets will try to win by paying Luis Castillo and Oliver Perez $18 million not to play, which has to be better than paying them $18 million *to* play. Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper will combine to appear in almost no games for the Nationals, but fans will have the epic feats of Doug Slaten and Chris Marerro to tide them over.
NL Central
Aroldis Chapman will throw so hard for the Reds that Japan will try to use his fastball to start up the cooling water pumps at the Fukushima plant. Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals will alternately cheer for Albert Pujols and then whisper to Post-Dispatch beat writers that he isn't that great. The Brewers went out and traded for Zack Greinke hoping that Miller Lite is a cure for mental illness. The Cubs and their fans, of course, know that Old Style works better and lasts longer. The Astros and Pirates are not worth mentioning, other than to mention that they are still not worth mentioning.
NL West
The Giants did almost nothing this off-season except to closely monitor Tim Lincecum's weed habit (notice I didn't say limit it), but they remain the division favorites. The Rockies keep chugging along with pitching and defense. Uh...what? The Dodgers have Donny Ballgame at the helm now, and he's soooo much different than Joe Torre. I mean, he's a former Yankee, he's unassuming, and he's good with the media. Big changes there in LA. The Padres stack up quality relief pitchers like so much cord wood while trading away all their hitters. That's one way to finish fourth. The D'Backs have been taking the phrase "extended spring training" far too seriously the last few years.
AL East
The Red Sox got their men in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, who are so good that John Henry might loan them out to Liverpool. Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon are reunited with the Rays, and it feels so old, er, good. The Yankees starting pitching looks pretty weak behind CC Sabathia, if you can manage to see anything behind CC Sabathia (he's a very large man). Jose Bautista did not take steroids to hit 54 homers last year for the Blue Jays, but with the exchange rate, it really wasn't that impressive anyway. The Orioles keep improving, which in the AL East means that they might get to 70 wins if everything breaks right.
AL Central
Twins catcher Joe Mauer is in the second year of a $184 million contract, which is pretty Minnesota nice. Miguel Cabrera knows the healing power of a brewski far too well, but will manage to lead the Tigers to contention between AA meetings. Something Ozzie Guillen something profane something White Sox something (just saying Ozzie's name is funny enough). The Royals will move out of last place as their farm system bears some fruit, and Kila Ka'aihue will force us all to learn how to pronounce Hawaiian diphthongs. The Indians are going with an all-Cabrera middle infield (Asdrubal and Orlando), which may produce more Cabreras than home runs.
AL West
Nolan Ryan takes over as CEO of the Rangers, which means that other teams CEO's better watch for the high and tight fastball during trade negotiations. The Athletics are asking if anyone knows the way to San Jose more than Dionne Warwick ever did. The Angels freed up about $80 million in salary commitments for the Blue Jays by taking Vernon Wells off their hands. That's an even better way to finish fourth, if it wasn't for the stupendously bad offense of the Mariners getting in the way.
Playoffs
National League
Phillies, Reds, Giants, Cardinals (wild card)
Phillies beat Cardinals, Giants beat Reds
Phillies beat Giants
American League
Red Sox, Twins, Rangers, Rays (wild card)
Red Sox beat Twins, Rangers beat Rays
Red Sox beat Rangers
World Series
Phillies beat Red Sox
Yeah, it's the same World Series matchup prediction as last year, and probably next year. It's bound to come true eventually, right?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
IS THE INTERNET ON?
Hey, cyber-weirdos! I'm still here. The next iteration of TCP is coming soon, with "TCP's Alaska" due to start in April, if I feel like it. I have a sweet rental house lined up that has DirecTV, so I probably won't feel like it, but you never know. So, basically, TCP's Alaska is me, watching the Independent Film Channel in HD, in an empty house except for a couch, a TV and a bed. It could get better! You never know. You just never know.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
THE ASHES, TEST MATCH FOUR
England bowled out Australia on day four to win by an innings and 157 runs and retained The Ashes for the first time in 24 years. Now I'll have to find something else to write about.
I was busy this afternoon and missed the hour and a half of action. Australia, trailing badly, was swinging for the fences and recorded at least two sixes, which I've never seen.
Next up, the ICC World Cup of cricket, being played on the Indian sub-continent, in India, Sri Lanka, and Bangladesh. In World Cup play, each side bowls 50 overs, and the matches usually last one day, but can extend to two days if rain or other delays occur. I like Test cricket better, because every player is involved and the possibility of a draw keeps things interesting. Plus, you have to get the other side all out, which is more challenging than just scoring more runs in 50 overs than the other guys.
Pitchers and catchers report in only two months!
I was busy this afternoon and missed the hour and a half of action. Australia, trailing badly, was swinging for the fences and recorded at least two sixes, which I've never seen.
Next up, the ICC World Cup of cricket, being played on the Indian sub-continent, in India, Sri Lanka, and Bangladesh. In World Cup play, each side bowls 50 overs, and the matches usually last one day, but can extend to two days if rain or other delays occur. I like Test cricket better, because every player is involved and the possibility of a draw keeps things interesting. Plus, you have to get the other side all out, which is more challenging than just scoring more runs in 50 overs than the other guys.
Pitchers and catchers report in only two months!
Monday, December 27, 2010
PROFESSIONAL DRIVER, CLOSED COURSE
I'm watching The Ashes on an Indian feed of the Australian Broadcasting Company, and there is a Mentos ad where a monkey and a donkey are walking along and come upon some Mentos. The monkey takes a Mentos, and offers one to the donkey, who refuses. The monkey then quickly evolves from a monkey to a proto-human, to a caveman, who then invents fire and the wheel, and puts the donkey in a chariot and makes him carry him.
At the bottom of the screen reads a disclaimer: "Donkeys are not meant to be work animals." Wait, Indians have to be warned about using donkeys as work animals, and you are selling them Mentos?
At the bottom of the screen reads a disclaimer: "Donkeys are not meant to be work animals." Wait, Indians have to be warned about using donkeys as work animals, and you are selling them Mentos?
DAY TWO, TEST MATCH FOUR
No Ashes for the Aussies this year. Jonathon Trott recorded a century, and England closed play on Day Two with 444 for 5. They have a whopping 346 run lead, and now have only to decide when to turn things over to the hapless Australian batsmen for the coup de grace.
I missed almost all the good action, which happened after the lunch break. Before lunch, the Aussies recorded a couple of wickets, and then Kevin Pietersen and Trott took over for a long slog while the Australians waited for a new ball to be put in play. Apparently, a new ball makes bowling easier, but you wouldn't know it by Jonathan Trott. The Aussies did bowl out Pietersen, Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell after lunch, but Trott just kept on trucking. He's at 141 and counting.
Also after lunch, Australian captain Ricky Ponting managed to get himself fined 40% of his match fee for haranguing umpire Ranjan Madugalle after Pietersen had been ruled out for an apparent wicket that was later rescinded after replays showed that the ball had not touched his bat. Ponting kept after Madugalle, mostly in frustration at the Aussies dwindling chances, wagging his finger at one point. This is all pretty unseemly behavior in cricket, and Ponting could be suspended by the ICC, the sports governing body. Obviously, the ICC has never seen Bobby Cox.
I also missed a rare occasion when running makes a difference in cricket. Trott hit a short ball and took off, and had to dive to make it to the other wicket before being run out.
There was also an interesting no-ball called when I was asleep. Mitchell Johnson had gotten Matt Prior out on a catch by the wicket keeper, but Johnson had run too far into the seam when delivering the ball, and Prior was given a reprieve. Absolutely nothing went right for Australia yesterday, basically.
Somewhere, Andy Zaltzman is feeling the same way I did when the Patriots clinched home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs yesterday.
I missed almost all the good action, which happened after the lunch break. Before lunch, the Aussies recorded a couple of wickets, and then Kevin Pietersen and Trott took over for a long slog while the Australians waited for a new ball to be put in play. Apparently, a new ball makes bowling easier, but you wouldn't know it by Jonathan Trott. The Aussies did bowl out Pietersen, Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell after lunch, but Trott just kept on trucking. He's at 141 and counting.
Also after lunch, Australian captain Ricky Ponting managed to get himself fined 40% of his match fee for haranguing umpire Ranjan Madugalle after Pietersen had been ruled out for an apparent wicket that was later rescinded after replays showed that the ball had not touched his bat. Ponting kept after Madugalle, mostly in frustration at the Aussies dwindling chances, wagging his finger at one point. This is all pretty unseemly behavior in cricket, and Ponting could be suspended by the ICC, the sports governing body. Obviously, the ICC has never seen Bobby Cox.
I also missed a rare occasion when running makes a difference in cricket. Trott hit a short ball and took off, and had to dive to make it to the other wicket before being run out.
There was also an interesting no-ball called when I was asleep. Mitchell Johnson had gotten Matt Prior out on a catch by the wicket keeper, but Johnson had run too far into the seam when delivering the ball, and Prior was given a reprieve. Absolutely nothing went right for Australia yesterday, basically.
Somewhere, Andy Zaltzman is feeling the same way I did when the Patriots clinched home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs yesterday.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
TEST FOUR, END OF FIRST DAY
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oy vey. The Brits racked up 157 runs and haven't taken a wicket at the close of Day 1. If the Brits win, they retain The Ashes, because even if the Aussies were to win Test Match Five, it would be a 2-2 draw, and you have to win outright to take The Ashes away from the current holder. It's like the Ryder Cup, without Miguel Angel Jimenez's cigar, or his fans.
It's looking pretty bleak for the Men Down Under. They were batting everything right into the hands of the English defenders and looked completely overmatched. The 98 run total was the lowest for Australia in Melbourne EVER. The Australian announcers were claiming that the pitch was great for bowling, but then Alastair Cook (not the late Masterpiece Theatre guy) and Andrew Strauss went out and are on their way to centuries, which means scoring a hundred runs or more. It's amazing to me how much the weather makes a difference. Cricket is very much like golf in that subtle changes in the surface make enormous changes in scoring. The Brits won the coin toss and elected to bowl, because it was cloudy and they felt they could make the ball move better and "miss bats" as they say in baseball. By the time the English started batting, the sun had come out and the pitch had presumably dried, making it harder to spin the ball and easier to score.
The only strategy possibly left for the Brits is to decide how many runs are enough. Recall that the match goes five days, and mo matter how many runs England scores, if they can't bowl out the Aussies again by the end of the fifth day, we'll get a draw and have to proceed to Test Match Five in Sydney. It shouldn't be a problem to get the Australians out again by New Year's Eve, but stranger things have happened. With the Aussies at 98 runs, you would expect the Brits to stop at 400 to 500 runs, if it goes that far.
It's looking pretty bleak for the Men Down Under. They were batting everything right into the hands of the English defenders and looked completely overmatched. The 98 run total was the lowest for Australia in Melbourne EVER. The Australian announcers were claiming that the pitch was great for bowling, but then Alastair Cook (not the late Masterpiece Theatre guy) and Andrew Strauss went out and are on their way to centuries, which means scoring a hundred runs or more. It's amazing to me how much the weather makes a difference. Cricket is very much like golf in that subtle changes in the surface make enormous changes in scoring. The Brits won the coin toss and elected to bowl, because it was cloudy and they felt they could make the ball move better and "miss bats" as they say in baseball. By the time the English started batting, the sun had come out and the pitch had presumably dried, making it harder to spin the ball and easier to score.
The only strategy possibly left for the Brits is to decide how many runs are enough. Recall that the match goes five days, and mo matter how many runs England scores, if they can't bowl out the Aussies again by the end of the fifth day, we'll get a draw and have to proceed to Test Match Five in Sydney. It shouldn't be a problem to get the Australians out again by New Year's Eve, but stranger things have happened. With the Aussies at 98 runs, you would expect the Brits to stop at 400 to 500 runs, if it goes that far.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
AUSTRALIA FIRST INNINGS
Only 98 runs for the Aussies in their first innings. England coming up.
Hugh Jackman will actually be doing some batting against another celebrity at the tea break. It could be Nicole Kidman. I have to see that.
Hugh Jackman will actually be doing some batting against another celebrity at the tea break. It could be Nicole Kidman. I have to see that.
A NEWBIE DECIPHERS THE ASHES
Because I love the podcast "The Bugle", I have been turned on to something called "The Ashes", which is an international test series of cricket played between England and Australia every other year or so.
This year, they are playing in Australia because it is Australia's turn. England currently holds "The Ashes" trophy, which is not really a trophy except that it is. Or something. Anyway, they are playing cricket, and I know nothing about it, but I am learning, slowly.
The Ashes is played out in five test matches. Each match lasts five days. There are three (or four) possible outcomes of a match: either Australia wins, England wins, there is a draw, or there is a tie, which is extremely unlikely. Let's look at the draw first. This happens when neither team can get the other side out twice within the five day period. To win, you must outscore your opponent (more on that later) after they have have been bowled out twice. Ok, what the hell does that mean? You get bowled out when 10 of your batsmen take a wicket. What is a wicket? It's like an out in baseball. Just like an out, there are many, many ways to accomplish it. The most common ways are by the batsman hitting the ball and the ball being caught before it hits the ground, or by the bowler to bowl it past the batsman and have it strike and knock down some sticks placed in the ground (which are literally called "wickets").
If the batsman doesn't take a wicket, he either hits the ball on the ground, misses it but does not have the wickets fall down, or he hits it where the other team ain't. If he manages to do the latter, he can run between two sets of wickets placed about 22 yards apart, which counts for a run. Every batsman has a teammate at the opposite wicket who also runs when he hits it. I'm not exactly sure why, but go with it.
You automatically get four runs if you hit the ball on the ground, and it rolls all the way to the boundary of the pitch. You automatically get six runs if you hit the ball in the air past the boundary (kind of like a homer).
You can also get out if, whilst you are running between wickets, the other team fields the ball and throws it and knocks down one of the wickets. You need to be careful while running that you can make it safely to the other side.
That's basically it. You can follow the action with that much knowledge, but there have been over a hundred years of terminology, nuance, history, and bad blood that have transpired, so listening to anyone else talk about it is maddeningly confusing, about as much as it would be for a native Liverpudlian trying to pick up baseball having to listen to Tim McCarver.
Now, on to this particular The Ashes. England and Australia drew the first match, played in Brisbane. I won't go into it, since draws are incredibly boring. Essentially, they ran out of time. That's the major problem with Test cricket. It goes on for days, and then you might not get a result. It's not exactly tailor made for Fox Sports, is what I'm saying.
In the second match at Adelaide, England won by 71 runs. This means, they scored 71 more runs than Australia did, even after Australia had closed both their innings, meaning 10 men had been bowled out twice. Got it? Anyway, Australia batted first, scored some runs, then England batted and scored a bunch of runs, and then Australia batted again, and came up 71 runs short of what England had done. England didn't have to bat again, so we say that England won "by an innings and 71 runs".
In the third match in the west coast city of Perth, Australia put up a pedestrian total of 268 runs in the first innings, but England could only muster 187 runs to counter, and Andy Zaltzman of "The Bugle" was seen renouncing his citizenship. Australia put up 309 in the second innings, and England scored only 123 runs to lose by 267 runs. The consensus was that some members of the Perth Cricket Club on the Australian side used their superior pitch knowledge to give the English batsmen fits.
The fourth test match commenced on Boxing Day (today down under) in Melbourne. Australia is batting first, and the English have recorded five wickets by just after lunch. That's another problem with cricket - the long breaks. They take water breaks, tea breaks, lunch breaks, and dinner breaks, and the inevitable weather breaks whenever it so much as sprinkles. They pretty much have to, because they play all day, but it really hurts continuity.
So, they are back after lunch, heading for tea break, when Hugh Jackman will be in the booth to talk about that new "Wolverine" movie he is doing with Darren Aronofsky. Seriously.
More later...
This year, they are playing in Australia because it is Australia's turn. England currently holds "The Ashes" trophy, which is not really a trophy except that it is. Or something. Anyway, they are playing cricket, and I know nothing about it, but I am learning, slowly.
The Ashes is played out in five test matches. Each match lasts five days. There are three (or four) possible outcomes of a match: either Australia wins, England wins, there is a draw, or there is a tie, which is extremely unlikely. Let's look at the draw first. This happens when neither team can get the other side out twice within the five day period. To win, you must outscore your opponent (more on that later) after they have have been bowled out twice. Ok, what the hell does that mean? You get bowled out when 10 of your batsmen take a wicket. What is a wicket? It's like an out in baseball. Just like an out, there are many, many ways to accomplish it. The most common ways are by the batsman hitting the ball and the ball being caught before it hits the ground, or by the bowler to bowl it past the batsman and have it strike and knock down some sticks placed in the ground (which are literally called "wickets").
If the batsman doesn't take a wicket, he either hits the ball on the ground, misses it but does not have the wickets fall down, or he hits it where the other team ain't. If he manages to do the latter, he can run between two sets of wickets placed about 22 yards apart, which counts for a run. Every batsman has a teammate at the opposite wicket who also runs when he hits it. I'm not exactly sure why, but go with it.
You automatically get four runs if you hit the ball on the ground, and it rolls all the way to the boundary of the pitch. You automatically get six runs if you hit the ball in the air past the boundary (kind of like a homer).
You can also get out if, whilst you are running between wickets, the other team fields the ball and throws it and knocks down one of the wickets. You need to be careful while running that you can make it safely to the other side.
That's basically it. You can follow the action with that much knowledge, but there have been over a hundred years of terminology, nuance, history, and bad blood that have transpired, so listening to anyone else talk about it is maddeningly confusing, about as much as it would be for a native Liverpudlian trying to pick up baseball having to listen to Tim McCarver.
Now, on to this particular The Ashes. England and Australia drew the first match, played in Brisbane. I won't go into it, since draws are incredibly boring. Essentially, they ran out of time. That's the major problem with Test cricket. It goes on for days, and then you might not get a result. It's not exactly tailor made for Fox Sports, is what I'm saying.
In the second match at Adelaide, England won by 71 runs. This means, they scored 71 more runs than Australia did, even after Australia had closed both their innings, meaning 10 men had been bowled out twice. Got it? Anyway, Australia batted first, scored some runs, then England batted and scored a bunch of runs, and then Australia batted again, and came up 71 runs short of what England had done. England didn't have to bat again, so we say that England won "by an innings and 71 runs".
In the third match in the west coast city of Perth, Australia put up a pedestrian total of 268 runs in the first innings, but England could only muster 187 runs to counter, and Andy Zaltzman of "The Bugle" was seen renouncing his citizenship. Australia put up 309 in the second innings, and England scored only 123 runs to lose by 267 runs. The consensus was that some members of the Perth Cricket Club on the Australian side used their superior pitch knowledge to give the English batsmen fits.
The fourth test match commenced on Boxing Day (today down under) in Melbourne. Australia is batting first, and the English have recorded five wickets by just after lunch. That's another problem with cricket - the long breaks. They take water breaks, tea breaks, lunch breaks, and dinner breaks, and the inevitable weather breaks whenever it so much as sprinkles. They pretty much have to, because they play all day, but it really hurts continuity.
So, they are back after lunch, heading for tea break, when Hugh Jackman will be in the booth to talk about that new "Wolverine" movie he is doing with Darren Aronofsky. Seriously.
More later...
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
LEAVE OBAMA ALONE (SNIFF) !
This isn't a political blog. Hell, it's barely a blog at all, and what blogginess there is certainly isn't political. That said, I'm getting a little fed up with people who say Obama caved to the GOP on the tax cuts for the wealthy.
Look, the Democrats just lost the House and nearly lost the Senate. Obama has no leverage at all, and if he tried to use the lame duck Congress to push through a liberal hobby horse at this point, he'd look like a usurper, which he would be. The American people, morons that they are, have spoken, and they want the GOP agenda on tax cuts. Period. The best Obama can do in that situation is extract whatever concessions on unemployment insurance and other miscellaneous stimulus items that he can, and call it a day. He did that. He acted like a responsible person and cut the best deal available. That's why we voted for him in the first place.
What was he supposed to do? He can make a speaking tour, carpet-bomb the blogosphere, go on Faux News, MSNBC, CNN, Mythbusters, and QVC for all I care and tell us how terrible the full Bush tax cuts for are for the deficit and the economy, and none of it will matter. It only takes one Senator to torpedo any legislation, and guess what? That Senator will probably be Ben Nelson, you know, the guy with the big "D" after his name. The Democrats can't even control their own caucuses, in either legislative body. How is that Obama's fault?
It isn't. Leave him alone. I promised I wouldn't cry...
Look, the Democrats just lost the House and nearly lost the Senate. Obama has no leverage at all, and if he tried to use the lame duck Congress to push through a liberal hobby horse at this point, he'd look like a usurper, which he would be. The American people, morons that they are, have spoken, and they want the GOP agenda on tax cuts. Period. The best Obama can do in that situation is extract whatever concessions on unemployment insurance and other miscellaneous stimulus items that he can, and call it a day. He did that. He acted like a responsible person and cut the best deal available. That's why we voted for him in the first place.
What was he supposed to do? He can make a speaking tour, carpet-bomb the blogosphere, go on Faux News, MSNBC, CNN, Mythbusters, and QVC for all I care and tell us how terrible the full Bush tax cuts for are for the deficit and the economy, and none of it will matter. It only takes one Senator to torpedo any legislation, and guess what? That Senator will probably be Ben Nelson, you know, the guy with the big "D" after his name. The Democrats can't even control their own caucuses, in either legislative body. How is that Obama's fault?
It isn't. Leave him alone. I promised I wouldn't cry...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
IT'S NOT A REAL NIPPLE - BUT GO AHEAD, SUCK ON IT ANYWAY
In yet another desperate attempt to draw traffic, I posted a photo a while back of the University of Rochester's library, also called "The Nipple of Knowledge". Well, it worked! I guess. Now, the only people who ever visit my site are pervs looking for nipple photos. You want nipple photos? You got 'em!
Ooooh!
Aaaah!
That ought to tide you over for a while. Warning: they taste a bit metallic-y.
Ooooh!
Aaaah!
That ought to tide you over for a while. Warning: they taste a bit metallic-y.
Friday, October 29, 2010
BOO-LA BOO-LA! (MINUS THE -LA)
Is there anything more suffused with intemperate evil these days than Big Time College Football?
First, it's the coaches who pull up anchor and scram at the slightest increase in pay and/or prominence: Rich Rodriguez, Nick Saban, Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, Brian Kelly...the list is endless, as is the list of knuckleheads who think that now that he's coaching our team, he's not in it for the money.
Then it's the scumbag "runners" who supply the coaches with recruits and the recruits with cash. Reggie Bush decided to give up his Heisman Trophy without admitting any actual wrongdoing. Whatever happened, it must have been pretty bad.
Not to be outdone are the poobahs of the BCS, whose hypocrisy is more transparent than Lady Gaga's latest stage costume. Hmmm, looks like the best team in the country, Boise State, will once again get screwed out of a chance at the national championship. Try again next year, fellas! Maybe in 30 years, you'll have the aura and prestige (and buckets of major conference cash) of Missouri or Oregon, and we'll let you in.
Now, we hear of the story of 20-year-old Declan Sullivan, who was gamely doing his job filming Notre Dame practices on a scissor-lift thirty or forty feet above the outdoor practice facility in South Bend during a record-setting wind-storm. Winds were gusting over 50 miles per hour, and barometric pressures were the lowest ever recorded in that part of the country. Fighting Irish Coach Brian Kelly, one of the aforementioned money-grabbers who had left his Cincinnati recruits for a shot at raking in a piece of NBC Sports' lucre, nevertheless decided that he couldn't bear practicing indoors, even on such a miserable day. He ordered Sullivan and his camera up the lift to record whatever inconsequential things players do on a Wednesday afternoon in the middle of a mediocre season. Sullivan tweeted, only half-jokingly, "I guess I've lived long enough" and then not jokingly at all, "holy fuck holy fuck this is terrifying!" before the lift finally tipped over, killing him.
As is typical, Kelly has managed to escape all accountability for this tragedy, with Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick saying that the weather that day was "unremarkable". Yeah, you know, except for the 50 mph winds that knocked the scissor lift over, it was a great day!
When is enough enough? The Organization Formerly Known As NCAA Division 1 Football has just about used up all of my patience, and I'm ready to write it off my sports viewing docket forever. Granted, I didn't go to a big name school with a powerhouse football program, and I really have no built-in allegiance to any of these teams, but Glorioski is this a horrible bunch of greedy thieves and crooks, and now manslaughterers (maybe not legally, but still, the kid is dead for no good reason).
I think it's time, in a perfect world, for Congress to get involved, but in this world, that's like asking a gang of Somali pirates to adjudicate a dispute between the captains of two leaking oil tankers. Probably not a good idea. But somebody has to do something.
The BCS should just split off into a separate entity, completely divorced from the NCAA and their cockamamie rules. They can retain affiliations with the schools, but nobody has to go to class or pretend to be a student. The BCS would strictly be a money-generator for the schools and themselves. The stadiums would still fill, they players would still wear the same colors, but the whole enterprise would throw off the yoke of education and all the attendant nonsense that goes with it. However - they have to live by OSHA regulations, anti-trust laws, corporate taxes, and everything else that major companies have to deal with. They would become a Fortune 500 business, free to make money any way they want within the confines of the law, providing the nation with entertaining minor league football on Saturdays, and maybe even paying the players a living wage. If they do all that, then I would have no problems with team-hopping coaches, the runners would be unnecessary, the BCS could have a playoff system, and maybe the other poor saps doing Declan Sullivan's job can stay alive.
Of course, the BCS pricks make even more money (and hide it better) by pretending to be an educational institution, so none of this will ever happen. And I'm going to stop watching, except for the Ivy League, and Boise State, my new favorite team.
First, it's the coaches who pull up anchor and scram at the slightest increase in pay and/or prominence: Rich Rodriguez, Nick Saban, Lane Kiffin, Pete Carroll, Brian Kelly...the list is endless, as is the list of knuckleheads who think that now that he's coaching our team, he's not in it for the money.
Then it's the scumbag "runners" who supply the coaches with recruits and the recruits with cash. Reggie Bush decided to give up his Heisman Trophy without admitting any actual wrongdoing. Whatever happened, it must have been pretty bad.
Not to be outdone are the poobahs of the BCS, whose hypocrisy is more transparent than Lady Gaga's latest stage costume. Hmmm, looks like the best team in the country, Boise State, will once again get screwed out of a chance at the national championship. Try again next year, fellas! Maybe in 30 years, you'll have the aura and prestige (and buckets of major conference cash) of Missouri or Oregon, and we'll let you in.
Now, we hear of the story of 20-year-old Declan Sullivan, who was gamely doing his job filming Notre Dame practices on a scissor-lift thirty or forty feet above the outdoor practice facility in South Bend during a record-setting wind-storm. Winds were gusting over 50 miles per hour, and barometric pressures were the lowest ever recorded in that part of the country. Fighting Irish Coach Brian Kelly, one of the aforementioned money-grabbers who had left his Cincinnati recruits for a shot at raking in a piece of NBC Sports' lucre, nevertheless decided that he couldn't bear practicing indoors, even on such a miserable day. He ordered Sullivan and his camera up the lift to record whatever inconsequential things players do on a Wednesday afternoon in the middle of a mediocre season. Sullivan tweeted, only half-jokingly, "I guess I've lived long enough" and then not jokingly at all, "holy fuck holy fuck this is terrifying!" before the lift finally tipped over, killing him.
As is typical, Kelly has managed to escape all accountability for this tragedy, with Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick saying that the weather that day was "unremarkable". Yeah, you know, except for the 50 mph winds that knocked the scissor lift over, it was a great day!
When is enough enough? The Organization Formerly Known As NCAA Division 1 Football has just about used up all of my patience, and I'm ready to write it off my sports viewing docket forever. Granted, I didn't go to a big name school with a powerhouse football program, and I really have no built-in allegiance to any of these teams, but Glorioski is this a horrible bunch of greedy thieves and crooks, and now manslaughterers (maybe not legally, but still, the kid is dead for no good reason).
I think it's time, in a perfect world, for Congress to get involved, but in this world, that's like asking a gang of Somali pirates to adjudicate a dispute between the captains of two leaking oil tankers. Probably not a good idea. But somebody has to do something.
The BCS should just split off into a separate entity, completely divorced from the NCAA and their cockamamie rules. They can retain affiliations with the schools, but nobody has to go to class or pretend to be a student. The BCS would strictly be a money-generator for the schools and themselves. The stadiums would still fill, they players would still wear the same colors, but the whole enterprise would throw off the yoke of education and all the attendant nonsense that goes with it. However - they have to live by OSHA regulations, anti-trust laws, corporate taxes, and everything else that major companies have to deal with. They would become a Fortune 500 business, free to make money any way they want within the confines of the law, providing the nation with entertaining minor league football on Saturdays, and maybe even paying the players a living wage. If they do all that, then I would have no problems with team-hopping coaches, the runners would be unnecessary, the BCS could have a playoff system, and maybe the other poor saps doing Declan Sullivan's job can stay alive.
Of course, the BCS pricks make even more money (and hide it better) by pretending to be an educational institution, so none of this will ever happen. And I'm going to stop watching, except for the Ivy League, and Boise State, my new favorite team.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
SEVEN AND DONE
Games, that is. The Gunslingers were bounced out of the playoffs by the mighty Mammoths in seven agonizing games. The Mammoths had a 3 games to 1 lead, and were leading in Game Five by a score of 4-0 in the bottom of the ninth inning at one stage. Aaron Hill hit a 3-run shot to make it interesting, and then after a walk, Carlos Quentin made his only playoff plate appearance count with a put-the-champagne-back-in-the-case two-run homer to send the series back to the Mammoths home park (San Francisco's AT&T Park) for Game Six. Talk about the walking dead.
We won Game Six by a 9-7 score after some shaky work by Darren Oliver in the 9th inning made a 9-3 game get uncomfortably close. Game Seven was all Timmy Lincecum, though. The Freak shut us out 1-0, and it wasn't even that close. So, the better team won, as it should have, but it was a fun, wacky, series. Manager Bill Lee was proud of the boys, saying, "I think they just really wanted to get back to California for some more medical marijuana. I know I did."
Oh, and I'm naming my blogs posts from the frozen North "TCP's Alaska". They ought to have less carnage than Sarah Palin's Alaska, and definitely less unprotected sex with 20-year-old girls, although I can always hope.
We won Game Six by a 9-7 score after some shaky work by Darren Oliver in the 9th inning made a 9-3 game get uncomfortably close. Game Seven was all Timmy Lincecum, though. The Freak shut us out 1-0, and it wasn't even that close. So, the better team won, as it should have, but it was a fun, wacky, series. Manager Bill Lee was proud of the boys, saying, "I think they just really wanted to get back to California for some more medical marijuana. I know I did."
Oh, and I'm naming my blogs posts from the frozen North "TCP's Alaska". They ought to have less carnage than Sarah Palin's Alaska, and definitely less unprotected sex with 20-year-old girls, although I can always hope.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
WHY?
Well, I'm in Alaska, working the night shift. Sounds like a bad country and western song, but it has somehow become my life, hence the question in the title of this post. It's only temporary, so I'm told, and I'll be back working the day shift again soon, but still in Alaska. The 49th state will likely be my home in the coming year. That should be weird. Maybe I'll blog about it! My Alaska Year. It should be every bit as compelling as the rest of the usual fecal matter herein.
My Strat team made the playoffs, with a 77-85 record. That was exactly the same record I had last year, which means I stopped regressing, anyway. I expect to get dispatched in short order by the Mammoths, who posted a league-best 114 wins. My opponent is a fellow charter member of the league, and it's always fun to play him on Netplay, blowout losses notwithstanding.
For the 2010 real-life season, the Gunslingers posted a .799 team OPS, with 299 homers. I decided to cut Ben Sheets, Kevin Millwood, Kenshin Kawakami, Andrew Miller, and Jamie Moyer, which left me with only three starters. Anybody I can pick off the reject pile has to better than those five guys. I should cut K-Rod based on ethical principles alone, but I need his saves.
The minor leaguers pretty much plateaued at mid-season, except for Grant Green who had a very strong finish in the Cal League. I expect the A's will move him to AA and/or AAA next season, with an eye toward a September 2011 call-up. Mike Trout should be on a similar trajectory for the Angels. We'll see what Miguel Sano can do in A-ball next year. The only pitcher who looks worth anything is Alex White, although I'm not giving up on Martin Perez. I could have picked NL batting champ Carlos Gonzalez with that pick. I blew that one.
Back to the void.
My Strat team made the playoffs, with a 77-85 record. That was exactly the same record I had last year, which means I stopped regressing, anyway. I expect to get dispatched in short order by the Mammoths, who posted a league-best 114 wins. My opponent is a fellow charter member of the league, and it's always fun to play him on Netplay, blowout losses notwithstanding.
For the 2010 real-life season, the Gunslingers posted a .799 team OPS, with 299 homers. I decided to cut Ben Sheets, Kevin Millwood, Kenshin Kawakami, Andrew Miller, and Jamie Moyer, which left me with only three starters. Anybody I can pick off the reject pile has to better than those five guys. I should cut K-Rod based on ethical principles alone, but I need his saves.
The minor leaguers pretty much plateaued at mid-season, except for Grant Green who had a very strong finish in the Cal League. I expect the A's will move him to AA and/or AAA next season, with an eye toward a September 2011 call-up. Mike Trout should be on a similar trajectory for the Angels. We'll see what Miguel Sano can do in A-ball next year. The only pitcher who looks worth anything is Alex White, although I'm not giving up on Martin Perez. I could have picked NL batting champ Carlos Gonzalez with that pick. I blew that one.
Back to the void.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
SHOWS I'M WATCHING NOW
Let's take a break from my lamentable Strat team and list the shows that I'm currently following on a weekly basis. Because.
1. Warren The Ape. Warren DeMontague was a bit player in the fabricated-American (as in puppet) comedy from the early 2000's "Greg The Bunny". In that incarnation, Warren was a failed actor and general misanthrope who regularly tormented the simple, naive Greg. In this new show, Warren is still a failed actor, but he's moved to a seedy Hollywood apartment and is filming his "comeback", and his rehab, as a reality show. The show is a satire of reality TV, rehab shows, rehab itself, and celebrity culture, and is one of the most subversive things on MTV in decades. Warren, as voiced by the brilliant Dan Milano, is a be-helmeted simian alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, and as he poignantly discovers in one recent episode, dick. The show usually begins with Warren lying his ass off to Dr. Drew, played as straight as an arrow by Dr. Drew Pinsky himself. Warren then often attends a group session, where he mocks and disrupts the other addicts. Somehow or another, with the help of his downtrodden assistant Cecil (John Sussman, acting like Michael Cera with a Napoleon Dynamite Jew-fro), Warren gets into some horrible shenanigans where he falls off the wagon further than he ever was on it in the first place, dragging everyone around him down with him. The combination of Milano's sharp-witted and sarcastic voice and the amazing puppetry that brings Warren to life are what draw me to the show, as well the way everything is played as though talking animal puppets were a normal facet of everyday life. There are great cameos as well, by Seth Green, Corey Feldman, and others from the burgeoning "Robot Chicken" empire.
2. Louie. Louis CK has tried on numerous occasions to break into sitcoms, most recently with his short-lived HBO show "Lucky Louie", which had low production values and was filmed before a live audience to give it a "Honeymooners"-for-the-exceptionally-vulgar vibe. He's finally hit on the right tone and format with this new show, though. "Louie" is basically a series of short films based on Louis' comedy bits filmed with a single camera in various locations throughout Manhattan. Often, the vignettes within a show are not even related to each other, except maybe in tone or feeling. There is an undercurrent of despair and gloom that runs through every episode as Louie, a divorced dad, negotiates his 40-something comedian's life. Seemingly uncomplicated setups lead to surreal and at times outlandish and usually hilarious punchlines. It's been called a combination of "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but I'm not crazy about either comparison. Louie is not about nothing - it's about loneliness and misery, and it's not meant to make you cringe, but to make you empathize.
3. Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List. Despite not being one her "gays", I love this show. There is a reason that it has won two Emmys - it's really well executed. Kathy is an engaging if crude personality with a good heart who loves her mother, is loyal to her friends, and takes good care of her employees. Her attitude toward celebrity is refreshingly healthy and honest, and she gives us priceless inside looks at the madness of Hollywood. Her little adventures are exactly what I would do if I had boatloads of syndication money, a little bit of fame, and plenty of time on my hands. I like that the producers of the show (Kathy is one) don't try to placate Kathy's ego or introduce invented drama. This is pretty much her life, and they always go for the funniest way to present it.
4. Futurama. I missed almost the entire first run of this show, and I don't really know why. Laziness mostly. Now that it is back, I'm making a point to watch it, because it is every bit as great as the best Simpsons seasons. The animation is outstanding, the writing is top-notch, and Billy West is a genius voice artist. This version of the series is relying more heavily on the relationship between Fry and Leela, voiced by Katey Sagal, but all the old favorites are back, including everyone's most beloved George Jessel-sounding crustacean, Dr. Zoidberg, and Bender (John DiMaggio), the robot that never met a vice he didn't abuse. As Richard Nixon's head in a jar would say, Ah-oooooooo!
5. Mad Men. There's not much more to say about "Mad Men" than what pretty much every TV writer working or blogging today has already written. I'm a Roger Sterling (John Slattery) guy. He's what I really tune in for every week. He's like a galloping id that gets away with saying everything I would like to say to my co-workers, plus he gets all the gin and women he wants. And then there is Joan, played by Christina Hendricks. No more towering a figure of femininity has ever been written for stage or screen, except maybe Uma Thurman's Beatrice Kiddo, but that was a whole other kind of femininity. Joan is sweeter, softer, rounder, and yet somehow just as steely and capable. It's a great show, and I'm glad to be able to bask in it every Sunday night.
1. Warren The Ape. Warren DeMontague was a bit player in the fabricated-American (as in puppet) comedy from the early 2000's "Greg The Bunny". In that incarnation, Warren was a failed actor and general misanthrope who regularly tormented the simple, naive Greg. In this new show, Warren is still a failed actor, but he's moved to a seedy Hollywood apartment and is filming his "comeback", and his rehab, as a reality show. The show is a satire of reality TV, rehab shows, rehab itself, and celebrity culture, and is one of the most subversive things on MTV in decades. Warren, as voiced by the brilliant Dan Milano, is a be-helmeted simian alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict, and as he poignantly discovers in one recent episode, dick. The show usually begins with Warren lying his ass off to Dr. Drew, played as straight as an arrow by Dr. Drew Pinsky himself. Warren then often attends a group session, where he mocks and disrupts the other addicts. Somehow or another, with the help of his downtrodden assistant Cecil (John Sussman, acting like Michael Cera with a Napoleon Dynamite Jew-fro), Warren gets into some horrible shenanigans where he falls off the wagon further than he ever was on it in the first place, dragging everyone around him down with him. The combination of Milano's sharp-witted and sarcastic voice and the amazing puppetry that brings Warren to life are what draw me to the show, as well the way everything is played as though talking animal puppets were a normal facet of everyday life. There are great cameos as well, by Seth Green, Corey Feldman, and others from the burgeoning "Robot Chicken" empire.
2. Louie. Louis CK has tried on numerous occasions to break into sitcoms, most recently with his short-lived HBO show "Lucky Louie", which had low production values and was filmed before a live audience to give it a "Honeymooners"-for-the-exceptionally-vulgar vibe. He's finally hit on the right tone and format with this new show, though. "Louie" is basically a series of short films based on Louis' comedy bits filmed with a single camera in various locations throughout Manhattan. Often, the vignettes within a show are not even related to each other, except maybe in tone or feeling. There is an undercurrent of despair and gloom that runs through every episode as Louie, a divorced dad, negotiates his 40-something comedian's life. Seemingly uncomplicated setups lead to surreal and at times outlandish and usually hilarious punchlines. It's been called a combination of "Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm", but I'm not crazy about either comparison. Louie is not about nothing - it's about loneliness and misery, and it's not meant to make you cringe, but to make you empathize.
3. Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List. Despite not being one her "gays", I love this show. There is a reason that it has won two Emmys - it's really well executed. Kathy is an engaging if crude personality with a good heart who loves her mother, is loyal to her friends, and takes good care of her employees. Her attitude toward celebrity is refreshingly healthy and honest, and she gives us priceless inside looks at the madness of Hollywood. Her little adventures are exactly what I would do if I had boatloads of syndication money, a little bit of fame, and plenty of time on my hands. I like that the producers of the show (Kathy is one) don't try to placate Kathy's ego or introduce invented drama. This is pretty much her life, and they always go for the funniest way to present it.
4. Futurama. I missed almost the entire first run of this show, and I don't really know why. Laziness mostly. Now that it is back, I'm making a point to watch it, because it is every bit as great as the best Simpsons seasons. The animation is outstanding, the writing is top-notch, and Billy West is a genius voice artist. This version of the series is relying more heavily on the relationship between Fry and Leela, voiced by Katey Sagal, but all the old favorites are back, including everyone's most beloved George Jessel-sounding crustacean, Dr. Zoidberg, and Bender (John DiMaggio), the robot that never met a vice he didn't abuse. As Richard Nixon's head in a jar would say, Ah-oooooooo!
5. Mad Men. There's not much more to say about "Mad Men" than what pretty much every TV writer working or blogging today has already written. I'm a Roger Sterling (John Slattery) guy. He's what I really tune in for every week. He's like a galloping id that gets away with saying everything I would like to say to my co-workers, plus he gets all the gin and women he wants. And then there is Joan, played by Christina Hendricks. No more towering a figure of femininity has ever been written for stage or screen, except maybe Uma Thurman's Beatrice Kiddo, but that was a whole other kind of femininity. Joan is sweeter, softer, rounder, and yet somehow just as steely and capable. It's a great show, and I'm glad to be able to bask in it every Sunday night.
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