TIGER WOODS TAKES A STAND...AGAINST TAKING A STAND



Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".



Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.



Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."