EVERY VOTE COUNTS (IF IT MANAGES TO GET COUNTED)



Today is Election Day, so I'll be trotting off to the polls after work. Let's have a look at my choices:



GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA



Democrat Ed Rendell, former mayor of Philadelphia, has a double-digit lead in the polls over his Republican opponent, Attorney General Mike Fisher. Rendell is running way ahead in the populous Philadelphia and Pittsburgh precincts, which usually far outpoll the rest of the state. We losers out here in the sticks couldn't swing this thing if we found naked pictures of Rendell with John Allen Muhammed. Fisher is toast.



U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, 7th DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA



Republican incumbent Curt Weldon is running against his usual token opposition. This time it's some lawyer named Peter Lennon. He'd have better name recognition if he changed his first name to John, but he still wouldn't win.



STATE SENATOR, 9th DISTRICT



Republican Dominic Pileggi is running against Democrat Thaddeus Kirkland and Independent Henry Detering. Kirkland and Detering have almost no prayer due to heavy Republican gerrymandering over the last, oh, 100 years. The map of District 9, like all the other districts around here, look like the sketches Charles Manson draws when he's off his Thorazine.



STATE REPRESENTATIVE, 160th DISTRICT



Republican Stephen Barrar is running unopposed. He's been celebrating for weeks now by stealing pension checks from old ladies.



THE USUAL GAGGLE OF JUDGESHIPS, COUNTY AND TOWN COUNCIL SEATS AND PROPOSITIONS



Who knows? I defy anyone to tell me where to locate this information short of standing in line at the county clerk's office. I guess I'll find out when I get in the voting booth, like I usually do. Speaking of which, my township still uses voting machines that were built around 1952. I'm thinking of writing in Dwight Eisenhower for every office. It seems only fitting.



Makes you feel so proud to be an American, doesn't it?