SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?



Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.



NBA



Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.



Eastern Conference

The Other Divison

I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?



Western Conference

Some Midwestern type name

San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.



Western Conference

Pacific Division

The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.



Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.



NHL



Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!

Eastern Type Division

I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.



Whatever the Conference name is

Other Eastern Type Division Name

Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Midwestern-y Division Name

Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.



Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real

Midwestern-y Division Name

Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name

I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Pacific-y Division Name

The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.



Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.