OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!



Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?



SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.



TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?



SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.



TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?



SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.



TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?



SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."



TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?



SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.



TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.



SELMA: Sure.



TCP: We're out on the highway now.



SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!



TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?