NINE, EIGHT CENTRAL

The Pentagon today announced that more details have been obtained regarding the kidnapping of Private Jessica Lynch. According to Iraqi sources, Pvt. Lynch was held suspended from the ceiling, scarred with red hot pokers, beaten with a tire iron, scalded with boiling water, shocked with electrodes, and in the most heinous act, forced to listen to the early tracks from the new Clay Aiken album. Asked to comment, Miss Lynch said that she was unconscious the entire time, but it sounds like something that might have happened. She added that she is upset that the Army is continuing to exploit her capture, but would we like to see the new Mazda RX-8 she bought with her book advance?

Meanwhile, the Pentagon also announced that a few more US soldiers had been killed in the Iraqi insurgency, but that none of them were photogenic enough to warrant further attention. And besides, they were dead.