HOT FOR TEACHER

In a coordinated effort between several agencies of the US Government, thousands of schoolteachers are being arrested and sent to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after Secretary of Education Rod Paige referred to them as terrorists.

"We're taking this very seriously," said Attorney General John Ashcroft at a joint news conference today with Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. "One of our fellow cabinet members has made a determination, and the Justice Department is moving swiftly and with all available resources to apprehend the enemy combatants and remove them from the theater of battle, er, classroom."

Reports are streaming in from all over the nation that US Marshals, DEA agents, Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms personnel, and even county Sherrifs and local law enforcement are being pressed into service to arrest and detain the educators. "Yeah, man, it was really cool," said 9th grader Sean Garrity of Lincoln High School in Wilmette, IL. "We were, like, sitting there doing our, like, practice standardized tests, and then these dudes with, like, yellow 'DEA' jackets come busting in and grab Mr. Harris. He's like, 'What the f***!', and the dudes go, 'Hit the floor and put your hands behind your head, you terrorist!' We were all, like, tripping out at first, and then after they took him away, we were like, yeah, party dude!"

Homeland Secretary Ridge has raised the national threat level from Yellow, or Elevated to Orange, or High, until the last of the teachers can be taken into custody, which could take weeks according to a spokeman. In the meantime, volunteers from the President's Council On Faith Based Initiatives will be filling in for the detainees, according to the Bush Administration. President Bush told a group of reporters, "It's time our children was taught to learn some values the right way, and these people is just the group to do it."