WE WAIT IN THE GATE AREA FOR THEE

I'm back from Canada! No, that wasn't me getting arrested in Toronto, although there are some Air Canada employees I'd like to (deleted due to NSA reasons...Hi, NSA!). We flew from Philadelphia International Airport (motto: Sorry, That's Out of Order) first to Toronto's Lester B. Pearson International Airport for our scheduled (that's pronounced SHED-U-ELED) flight to Montreal. That flight had already left because we had sat on the tarmac for two hours in Philly due to thunderstorms. Air Canada re-routed us to a direct flight to St. John's leaving at 10:55 PM, which was four hours away. We exchanged our greenbacks for garish portraits of Queen Elizabeth, and sat in the gate for three hours, until, ominously, the gate sign without warning switched from "St. John's 22:55" to "Montreal 00:30". I checked the departures board, and our flight showed "CANCELLED". Oh, joy. We checked at the Air Canada information desk, and they said that the St. John's airport was fogged in, and that we could catch the next flight in the morning at 7:30 AM. "Will you get us a hotel?" we ingenuously asked. "Oh, no, of course not!" they replied. "Air Canada does not reimburse for weather cancellations." So, basically, you buys your tickets, you takes your chances. Luckily, Canada is known for its excellent weather. I think it was at this point that I first referred to Newfoundland as "Mordor".

We high-tailed it to the hotel shuttle phone bank area and booked a room at the Airport Courtyard. Nice room, but at C$99, it was about C$99 more than I wanted to spend. Mere minutes later, we woke up, showered, and rushed back to the airport. Finally, we were on our way to Newfoundland! All that for...that. We landed in St. John's, got our rental car, picked up some groceries, and drove out to Holyrood, a small town on Conception Bay, where our lodging was located. We took the peculiarly-named Trans Canada Highway, which neither goes across all of Canada (Newfoundland is an island, of course) nor is it a highway, unless you call two parallel blank slabs of asphalt a highway. At Holyrood, we took our keys from a white-haired Newfie fresh from Central Casting named Pat. I understood about a fifth of what he said, which was uttered in a thick Irish/Newfie brogue. After engaging in several minutes of excruciating chat with Pat (he's a very, very nice man, but his gift for Blarney is Brobdignagian), we put our stuff away and took a nap. We then drove back to St. John's to eat dinner, and then to greet my brother, his wife, his daughter, and her baby at the airport. After their trip, my brother decided that Air Canada is "almost like a real airline." Apparently, their flight to St. John's from Halifax had to abort its takeoff when a nuisance light went off in the cockpit during the run-up. They had to return to the gate, de-plane, and then board another plane (which was waiting to fly a bunch of people to Montreal) before they could finally take off.

At 11:30 PM that night, my brother and I drove back to St. John's from Holyrood to pick up the remainder of our party, which consisted of my mother, two of my sisters, my nephew, my niece, and my niece’s four-year-old boy. It's too difficult to write about, let alone experience. They took something called CanJet all the way from Florida, and had no issues. We looked all over St. John's, seemingly, for someplace to eat after midnight, and found a lonely Subway still open. My 17-year-old nephew mentioned to the teenaged girls assembling our sandwiches that he was from Orlando, which elicited cries of "Oh, I'm so jealous!" I'll bet. If you go, ladies, stay away from Air Canada is all I'm saying.

The rest of the week proceeded with few problems, aside from the freakishly cold and miserable Newfoundland June weather. We must have run the TCH enough times to be made honorary members of Transport Canada. There just isn’t much to do in Holyrood, after all. My mom got to see her old house, and the rock on the hill above the house that her brother always told her would fall on her while she slept. We went to the same grocery store three times, because we kept running out of everything. We visited Signal Hill, which offers a breathtaking view of St. John’s harbor and the Atlantic Ocean. We walked the streets of Downtown St. John’s, where teenagers and 20-something slackers dress exactly as they do everywhere else. We saw the Johnson Geo Centre, an underground science museum. We saw The Rooms, a decidedly above-ground art museum, again with excellent harbor views. Pat came to visit. And talk. And talk. And talk. We climbed up to see the lighted cross overlooking Holyrood and Conception Bay. We watched the Canadian perspective on the Zarqawi bombing. We watched bad television for hours every morning waiting for my niece and nephew to finally wake up and grace us with their presence. My brother, sisters, and I made fun of my mother’s far-right-of-Rush Limbaugh politics. We ate cod, moose stew, scrunchions (whatever they are), pizza, and the early birthday cake we had bought for my mom’s 80th. It was a very good week, indeed.

The return trip was uneventful. Isn’t it always that way? I wish I could get stuck, for once, where I was vacationing. “Oh, sorry, I won’t be in to work tomorrow. The flight was cancelled.” Never happens.

BLOG? WHAT BLOG?

Hey, everybody (and by everybody, I mean all of you with a Karen Grassle fetish), I'm still alive! If you want to hear about my trip to St. John's, Newfoundland, leave a comment. Or don't. I'm going to post it anyway, so I don't really care.

And turnarounds are still hell, and now there are only three and a half years until the next one. Speaking of countdowns, I think we're at A.B.B - 885. I also want to say, I called the Al Gore resurgence. Not that the Al Gore resurgence means anything, of course, but still.

A.B.B. - 918

Oh, hell no.

Maybe I should change this feature to A.B.G.W.B.

FOR THE FIRST TIME

KUBIANDO! (translation: Buy our cheap crap! Welcome!)

It was a stellar weekend here at TCP and wife. First, we went to Delaware Park for the simulcast of the Kentucky Derby, where I blew far too much cash incorrectly picking horses. Well, I did correctly pick the losers, but I wasn't going for that. Since Barbaro was a favorite, I stayed away from him like Denise Richards would like Charlie Sheen to stay away from her. Charlie Sheen probably did, too, seeing as how he gambles.

Sunday, in retaliation, my wife dragged me to the Spoutwood Farm Fairie Festival, in Middle Of Nowhere, PA. We were greeted at the gate either by fairies, or by hyperactive teenage girls dressed as fairies who couldn't afford acting lessons, imploring us to shout "Kubiando!", a term for which I have provided possible translations above. Did you know that fairies have eastern European accents? Inside, we spotted all sorts of freaks, liberals, weirdos, sprout-eaters, Kerry-voters, goofballs, pansexuals, misanthropes, and hot, HOT young hippy chicks and goth girls dressed in skimpy winged costumes with knee-high lace-up black boots. Something for everyone. At least one thing for me, anyway. I mean, you have to love a festival that has a sign at the front saying "No Nudity". My wife purchased any number of worthless merchandise that had a fairie on it, was fairie-shaped, or invoked fairies in some abstract way. Then we ate lunch and a chocolate-covered banana for dessert, and went home.

Next weekend...well, for me there is no next weekend, until we get this freaking place started up. Turnarounds, as I have noted, are hell.

TRAM IT

Thanks, Roosevelt Island Tram. Now I can't get that awful fucking Christopher Cross song out of my head.

THIS JUST IN

Turnarounds* are hell.

On the bright side, we're at 944 - A.B.B.

* If you don't know what a turnaround is, click here.

TIGER JOKES

The Masters is coming up in a week or so, and since my great great grandpappy wasn't sipping mint juleps on the porch of his plantation back in the day, I don't get to attend. Therefore, if you are attending, I'd like you to follow along with Tiger Woods' gallery and try these jokes out with him in those quiet moments between shots.

Hey, Tiger, I heard Phil Mickelson's wife is pregnant again. Phil took the over that she would have twins.

Hey, Tiger, could you run something by Elin? You know those IKEA brand names? I think they are just messing with us. Buying stuff at IKEA would be like going into Target and saying, "Hey, do you have the Moose Droppings and Pig Urine dinette set?"

Hey, Tiger, I see you're doing ads for Buick. If you were to do ads for a piece of golf equipment, the quality equivalent would be Top Flite X-outs.

Hey, Tiger, wouldn't it be great to have Stevie in the bedroom? "Your wife's G-spot is three inches above the pubic bone and slightly to the left. Now, stay focused, keep within yourself, and have fun in there."

Hey, Tiger, I'm listening to the NBC feed on XM radio on my cell phone. Johnny Miller just called you a punk-ass bitch.

Hey, Tiger, there's a rumor going around that David Duval is climbing up the leaderboard. No, I mean literally. He shot another 79, and he said he's going to jump off into the lake at 18.

Hey, Tiger, the groundskeepers would just like to thank you for staying off that part where they mowed.

Hey, Tiger, you're into Buddhism. Here's a koan: if Vijay Singh had a personality, would anybody notice?

Let me know if he laughs.

MY TOP TEN DVR SHOWS

1. The Daily Show - The only place for real news. May Jon Stewart and his merry band keep up their daily dose of "What the fuck?" for as long as it takes.

2. The Colbert Report - Rips O'Reilly and the other right-wing gas bags a new one every night in fresh and interesting ways. The best part of this show is the "try anything" ethic. One night, he's got no part in his hair. Another night, he's singing a duet with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And watch out for bears.

3. NOVA - The theme song still gives me goosebumps. And now with Robert Krulwich!

4. Dinner For Five - See celebrities in their native habitat - eating free dinners. Jon Favreau's neuroses are on display as he noshes with his favorite co-stars and collaborators, many of whom are bat-shit crazy in real life. I love it when Maggie Gyllenhall fires up a stogie.

5. The Boondocks - Hilarious and often poignant send-up of race, class, pop culture and politics. My favorite character, aside from Huey, is the inept white gangsta-wannabe voiced by Samuel L. Jackson.

6. Later With Jools Holland - see here.

7. Pardon The Interruption - An entertaining way to catch up on the day's salient sports news. Tony and Mike can really bring the funny, too. That said, I'm getting sick of Duke, Larry Brown, the Yankees, Notre Dame, and Kobe.

8. The Office - It's different than the British version, but still satisfying. Since they have to do 23 episodes a season, the background characters are getting fleshed out far more than in the UK series, which makes it more of an ensemble cast.

9. My Name Is Earl - I probably wouldn't watch this if it were done in the studio with three cameras, but the indie-movie feel really makes this show. Jaime Pressley as Joy is a never-ending delight.

10. #1 Single. Lisa Loeb, marry me! Maybe she'll self-Google and see this. Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb Lisa Loeb. Seriously, though, e-mail me.

DAY 960 - A.B.B.

Donald Rumsfeld said yesterday that ""Turning our backs on postwar Iraq today would be the modern equivalent of handing postwar Germany back to the Nazis."

I completely agree. Except that postwar Germany had been purged of 6 million Jews and various millions of other minorities in a state-sponsored program of extermination. And the Nazis were agressors to their neighbors, having invaded Poland, Czechoslovakia, France, and Russia. And the Nazis were a direct threat to our allies Great Britain, having initated a bombing campaign of London. And the Nazis were a threat to the United States itself, having officially allied itself with Japan, a nation which had undertaken a devastating raid on our soil at Pearl Harbor. And the few Nazi leaders who had not been killed or had not killed themselves were being held for trial by an elite group of Allied jurists at Nuremburg. And there was relatively little war profiteering in postwar Germany, thanks to the Truman Commission.

Other than that, and probably about 50 other key points, Rumsfeld is right on.

DAY 970 - A.B.B.

Ah, the fine art of political Google-image cartooning...

DAY 971 - A.B.B.

How about Newt Gingrich and Sen. Bill Frist? Like all the other 100 million plus adults eligible to run for president in 2008, my take on Newtie and Dr. Remote Diagnosis is: Forget it.

That was easy. Moving on. This will be the last of the series (Thank God! No, I'm supposed to say that, not you). Former Virginia governor Mark Warner will get Wiki-plagiarized to finish up. Mark Robert Warner was born on December 15, 1954 in Indianapolis, Indiana. He graduated from Rockville High School in Connecticut and received a bachelor's degree from George Washington University in 1977, the first in his family to graduate from college. He received his J.D. from Harvard Law School in 1980.

Warner served as a staff member to Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd in the early 80's. He parlayed his knowledge of federal telecommunications policies as a broker of cellular phone franchise licenses, making a large fortune. As managing director of Columbia Capital Corporation he helped found or was an early investor in a number of technology companies. He co-founded Nextel, as well as Capital Cellular Corporation, and built up an estimated fortune of over $200 million. He married Lisa Collis in 1989.

Warner involved himself in public efforts related to health care, telecommunications, information technology, and education. He managed Virginia Governor Douglas Wilder's successful 1989 gubernatorial campaign, served as state chairman of the state Democratic Party and ultimately made his own bid for public office, unsuccessfully running for the Senate in 1996 against Republican Senator John Warner (no relation) in a "Warner vs. Warner" election. John Warner was unpopular in rural Virginia for opposing the 1994 Senate candidacy of controversial right-wing Republican Oliver North, and Mark Warner seized on this to perform impressively in the state's rural areas.

In 2001, Warner campaigned for Governor as a moderate Democrat after years of slowly building up a power base in rural Virginia. He defeated the Republican candidate, then-State Attorney General Mark Earley, by a margin of almost 100,000 votes. Warner's popularity paid off for the Democrats when, in 2003 and again in 2005, the party made a net gain in the Virginia House of Delegates for the first time in generations (although the House remained under Republican control.) He succeeded in passing a tax bill to improve the state's financial balance sheet. He won the support of several key Republican legislators and the Virginia Chamber of Commerce for the proposal, although the effort also led to an attack ad campaign from conservative seniors who opposed raising taxes. Warner has also made a major push to reform high school to offer more college credit or technical training options. He has encountered some criticism for being too low-key and not leading on hot button issues, but maintains he is trying to avoid unproductive posturing and partisanship.

In January 2005, after a two-year study, the Government Performance Project, in conjunction with Governing magazine and the Pew Charitable Trust, ranked the states in four management categories: money, people, infrastructure, and information. Virginia and Utah tied with an A- overall, but Virginia got A's across the board, prompting Warner to dub Virginia "the best managed state in the nation."

On abortion, Warner is pro-choice, but signed a bill to limit late-term abortions and to provide for parental consent for minors seeking an abortion. According to today's Note from ABCNews, some of the big Democratic fund raisers on the west coast didn't exactly appreciate that, with one expressing her desire to "educate him" on abortion rights. This reportedly caused him to angrily remark, "This is why America hates Democrats." He's against gay marriage, which could lead to some other "education" efforts by Democrats. Warner also supports the death penalty, and is pro-hunter. He has not made any definitive statements on the war in Iraq or the War on Terror. Maybe he should think about, you know, doing that.

Warner was not allowed to run for a second consecutive term as governor by Virginia law, and is said to be gearing up heavily for a presidential run. On December 6th, 2005, Warner held the kickoff gala of his Forward Together PAC in Virginia, where he raised over $2.5 million dollars. In attendance were Governor Tim Kaine, and former Senator John Breaux.

Looking at the Viginia 2001 campaign finance records, which are surprisingly easy to access by the way, there isn't a telecommunications giant who didn't give to Warner's campaign, as you might expect. He should get an excellent deal on phone service should he decide to run. You can throw in AOL and Phillip Morris, two important Virginia companies, as big donors as well.

Mark and Lisa have three daughters. During her husband's tenure, Lisa Collis became the first Virginia First Lady to use her maiden name. That'll go over big with the national press.

Warner, Vilsack and Bayh are the three Democrats who have been successful state executives. The rest are or were Senators, which is a hard place from which to launch a successful presidential campaign. Warner probably had the highest degree of difficulty in winning his governorship, being from the South where the GOP has had a solid majority since the Reagan years. He's more or less an outsider, though, even in his own party, as the visit to California I mentioned earlier indicates. His views are significantly to the right of Edwards, Clinton, Gore, and Kerry, and he has no experience whatsoever in international politics or the military. From what I've read, the consensus is that Warner's personality and charisma are OK, but nothing special. He seems to like to take the middle road and not stir up too much controversy, which makes it extremely difficult for his candidacy to generate any heat. He shouldn't lack for funds with the telecommunications industry strongly behind him, and he's one of the few Democrats besides Kerry who could kick in some of his own cash. He's getting a lot of ink lately, but I think it's mainly because he's the only Democrat who both doesn't have a job holding him back and seems seriously committed. Edwards and Gore have the first part, and Hillary and Bayh have the second part, but he's the only one right now with both.

P.S.A.

Yanni and David Hasselhoff have both been accused of domestic violence. So, if you're married to or dating Kenny G or John Tesh, watch yourself. And don't think I'm not keeping my eye on you, Zamfir.

LATER

...as in, we'll get back to profiling the candidates for cleaning up after the W disaster later. It also means, let's have a look at "Later With Jools Holland", a BBC import that airs every Tuesday night at 8 PM and again on Wednesday at 2 AM locally on public station WYBE, channel 35 in Philadelphia. The program has become one of the chosen few that I record faithfully on my Comcast DVR. "Later" is a live musical cavalcade, staged in the round in a cavernous soundstage at the BBC in London. It's been in business since 1992, and is still going. Host Jools Holland, the hugely talented keyboardist from the UK band Squeeze and now a band leader himself, patrols the center of the circle, introducing the acts and conducting avuncular interviews with the bigger stars, sort of like a modern Ed Sullivan with an indecipherable Cockney accent. The bands are all arrayed side-by-side on the outside of the circle amidst clumps of audience members and a small café-looking area where Jools' piano is stationed and where most of the interviews are done. At the start of the show, in what always strikes me as a surreal moment, each band is introduced as the camera swivels around to greet them. It leads to such unlikely juxtapositions as "It's Ladysmith Black Mombazo, and next to them, Dido!"

What pops out instantly on the first viewing are the quality of the guests and the sheer audacity and inventiveness involved in bringing such a diverse range of excellent musicians into one venue week after week. As an example, last week's show featured Garbage, Macy Gray, The Hives, and Hall & Oates. Hall & Oates! Another week, I saw Radiohead and PJ Harvey. Where else are you going to see Radiohead and PJ Harvey perform live? Every week there is at least one "Wow!" moment, like the show a couple of weeks ago where The White Stripes made their British television debut (the shows on WYBE are about three to five years old, so you often see an established artist making a television debut, which heightens the buzz). "Later" is as geographically diverse as it is musically eclectic. The acts are predominantly from the U.K. and America, but almost every show I've seen has a group from Africa, Europe, or Latin America. There are many pop and rock artists, but even they range from Morrissey to Norah Jones, and there is usually at least one jazz, funk, or hip-hop act per episode. The beauty of DVR, of course, is if you have no interest in a performance, you can just skip ahead to the next one. Having just seen "Dave Chappelle's Block Party", which is fantastic, you can see that Dave must have been influenced somewhat by "Later". That's essentially what "Later" is: Jools Holland's Block Party, only he's been throwing it for over 13 years now. Catch it if you can.

LET IT SNOW

DAY 978 - A.B.B.

The Democrats are up again, and instead of doing the usual cut-and-paste from Wikipedia, I thought I'd go through the three retreads that might run in 2008, and assess their chances. They are of course John Kerry, John Edwards, and Al Gore. We all pretty much know their life stories, so we'll dispense with that. First is Kerry.

In my opinion, John Kerry was critically wounded by the Rove image-making doomsday machine as a flip-flopper. It's a catchy, easily understood characterization, and damned if Kerry doesn't keep reinforcing it almost every time he opens his mouth. The man cannot make a simple declarative statement about anything without leaving himself an elaborate rhetorical trail of crumbs he can later use to extricate himself. Kerry's judgment in the running the 2004 campaign can, I believe, be as legitimately questioned as W's judgment in running of, well, everything he's managed to screw up in the last 5 years. Even so, he lost by a Diebold-touchscreen-thin margin, and should expect to do better against a less well-established non-incumbent. It's very hard, though, to convince your own party to run you again when you didn't get it done the first time. Democrats still remember Adlai Stevenson's back-to-back shellackings in the 50's, and how much better getting a new, nicely shaven and made-up face worked out. And nobody likes a loser.

Edwards, naturally, faces the same problem, only double. He also lost the nomination in 2004 as well the general election. His relentless "Two Americas" speeches became tiresome during the primaries, and his relative inexperience in foreign policy did not serve him well in the midst of a foreign war. Nothing on either of those scores has changed much in the last year and a half. He's still talking about Two Americas, and even though he writes op-eds and serves on the Council of Foreign Relations, as a Democrat and no longer a Senator he obviously cannot be directly or even indirectly involved in the Bush Administration's decision making. His history as a trial lawyer will also continue to hurt his electability.

Al Gore is the most interesting of the three, I think. Gore out-polled George W. Bush nationwide in the 2000 election, and if not for the once-in-a-millennium electoral cluster-fuck that was Florida, he would have been president. I think the voters now associate him with the peace and prosperity (and governing competence) of the Clinton years, whereas in 2000, they associated him with the lying fellatio of the Clinton years. It was Gore's inability or unwillingness to play the Clinton peace-prosperity-and-competence angle that caused him to disassociate himself from his boss and ultimately fall short in the election. I doubt he would make the same mistake again. Gore has recently made some strident speeches against the Bush Administration's Iraq policy, and has managed not to come off as a bitter curmudgeon, which he has to find encouraging. As for the "loser" tag, Gore has a compelling case given subsequent events that he did not in fact lose in 2000, although he'd be wise to downplay that argument. The only thing worse than a loser is a sore loser.

DAY 980 - A.B.B.

Back to the GOP. We traveled to Iowa last time, but we're back in Arkansas today. As always, much of this is lifted directly from Wikipedia. You get what you pay for. Governor Michael Huckabee (R-AR) was born August 24, 1955 in Hope, Arkansas (yes, the very same). Huckabee graduated magna cum laude from Ouachita Baptist University, with a Bachelors degree and attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas. He married his high school sweetheart Janet McCain (no relation) in 1974. Huckabee was pastor of Southern Baptist churches in Arkadelphia, Texarkana, and Pine Bluff, Arkansas. He was President of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention from 1989 to 1991, and also served as President of a religious-oriented television station.

Huckabee's lost to incumbent U.S. Senator Dale Bumpers in 1992 in his first attempt at politics. In a 1993 special election Huckabee was elected to the post of Lieutenant Governor of Arkansas. In 1996, he became Governor when Jim Guy Tucker resigned after being convicted in the Whitewater scandal, and has served in that capacity ever since, being re-elected in 1998 and 2002.

Huckabee has made health care a high priority in his administration. Soon after taking office, Huckabee signed legislation creating a health insurance program designed to provide insurance to children of families who could not qualify for Medicaid but could not afford private insurance. Later, in 2000, Huckabee also led a campaign to funnel 100 percent of the state's tobacco settlement revenues into the state's healthcare system, rather than into the general fund.

He was made the chair of the Southern Governors' Association in 1999 and served in that capacity through 2000. He has chaired the Southern Growth Policies Board, the Southern Region Education Board, the Southern Technology Council, and the Interstate Oil and Gas Compact Commission, and currently serves as Chair of the Education Commission of the States, and as Chairman of the National Governors Association, which is often a steppingtone to the presidency. He is also a member of the Republican Governors Association.

In early 2006, Huckabee - along with fellow governors Rick Perry (R-TX); Jim Doyle (D-WI); and Dave Freudenthal (D-WY) traveled to the Middle East and South Asia as part of Department of Defense-sponsored trip to provide the state leaders with an idea of the conditions under which American forces are serving. While visiting Baghdad and Tikrit, Huckabee and the governors received briefings from Gen. George Casey and Amb. Zalmay Khalilzad.

Huckabee was, for much of his adult life, badly overweight. After developing diabetes and suffering chest pains, he began a disciplined diet and exercise regimen, and has since lost over 110 pounds. He now emphasizes physical fitness for all Arkansans.

Having never achieved national office, he has no ratings from interest groups. On the main wedge issues, Huckabee is pro-life, but respects choice; as a former Southern Baptist preacher, he's not only against gay marriage, but endorses something called "covenant marriage," which is meant to strengthen the bonds of traditional marriage; he's a pro-gun outdoorsman; and he supports the death penalty, but has been accused of being overzealous in commuting sentences.

Regarding that last point, should Huckabee run for president, he should have an interesting time explaining the Wayne Dumond case. Wayne Dumond is a convicted rapist who would later commit murder in Missouri after being released under Huckabee's watch. Dumond's case first drew attention in the early 1990s as then-Governor Bill Clinton began to increase his political stature in anticipation of a Presidential run. Some conservative commentators began to question Clinton's denial of clemency for Dumond in light of the fact that Dumond's victim was a distant relative of Clinton's and that Dumond had subsequently been assaulted and castrated by assailants with ties to the local sheriff, a friend of Clinton's. In order to appease his critics without giving the appearance of personally giving in, Clinton compromised by allowing Jim Guy Tucker, acting Governor while Clinton was out of the state campaigning in 1992, to commute Dumond's life sentence to 39 years and six months, making Dumond eligible for parole.

Shortly after Huckabee became Governor in 1996, the Arkansas parole board denied parole for Dumond. A month later, Huckabee met with Dumond's wife and announced his intention that Dumond be set free. Dumond's wife noted that "he [Huckabee] has always been disturbed about the way the Clinton people never wanted my husband free". A month later, in an unprecedented act, Huckabee met privately with the parole board to talk about the Dumond case among other things.

Huckabee's only official action in the Dumond case was when he denied a clemency request from Dumond. In a letter to Dumond, however, Huckabee made clear that "my desire is that you be released from prison." On that same day, Dumond was granted parole by the parole board. Huckabee denies influencing the parole board in any way, but acknowledges some responsibility for signing Dumond's parole.

I know it's hard to believe, but Arkansas' official web sites don't have any campaign finance data back to the 2002 gubernatorial election. Suffice it to say, as a Republican from Arkansas, Mike Huckabee in the White House would certainly make Wal-Mart and the Walton family very happy.

Mike and Janet have three children. Huckabee has authored or co-authored four books:

- Character is the Issue, a memoir (inspired by the crisis surrounding the incidents prior to his taking office as governor),
- Kids Who Kill, a book about juvenile violence (inspired by the Jonesboro massacre, which took place during his tenure as governor),
- Living Beyond Your Lifetime, a guide for leaving a personal legacy, and
- Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork, a health and exercise inspirational guide (based on his personal health experience).

Man, I thought Vilsack wanted to be Clinton. Huckabee is from Hope, his wife ran for office (she lost the Arkansas Secretary of State race in 2002), he plays a musical instrument, he was fat to the point of ill health, and now he's in good shape, he's a Southern Baptist, he's been Governor of Arkansas, and he likes fat chicks in berets. Ok, I made up that last one, but you have to admit the resemblance is eerie. Of course, he's a Republican, but he's almost as moderate as Clinton was as a Democrat. If he ran against Hillary, I think they would destroy themselves the way matter and anti-matter do when they collide. He's actually got a decent shot. I don't think he's conservative enough or experienced enough in national politics to get the nomination, but he has the preacher angle working for him, and he seems to rate fairly high on the charisma scale from what I've read. The whole Dumond thing may be a killer (sorry). If Rove or a Rove-like being (perish the thought) is on one of the other GOP teams, they'll beat the hell out of it in the primaries. He'll also have a hard time with name recognition behind McCain, Giuliani, and even Romney.

DAY 985 - A.B.B.

It's a good thing I waited until this week to order that ship full of uranium yellowcake. My lord. Only 985 days!

The Democrat du jour is Governor Tom Vilsack. Thomas James Vilsack was born December 13, 1950 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Vilsack is an orphan. His adoptive parents, Bud and Dolly Vilsack, raised him in their Roman Catholic faith. His adoptive father was a real-estate agent and insurance salesman, and his adoptive mother was a homemaker. Vilsack graduated from a private school in Pittsburgh, and received his bachelor's degree in 1972 from Hamilton College in Clinton, New York (right in my old neighborhood). He married Christine Bell in 1973. He received his J.D. in 1975 from Albany Law School, and after passing the bar exam, he and his wife decided to move to her hometown of Mount Pleasant, Iowa. Vilsack then joined his father-in-law in his law practice.

Vilsack entered politics in 1987 after being elected mayor of Mount Pleasant. He was elected to the Iowa State Senate in 1992, and was elected Governor in an upset in 1998, narrowly defeating his Republican challenger Jim Ross Lightfoot to become the first Democratic Governor of Iowa in 30 years. He was re-elected in 2002.

Vilsack is a "Clinton Democrat". He supported the Hyde Park Declaration that advocated for a "third way" in politics, and in 2005 was named chairman of the Democratic Leadership Council, a post once held by former Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton. A major program of his governorship is the Iowa Values Fund, which is designed to help boost the Iowa economy by creating higher-income jobs. This controversial program was created by a line-item veto that was later ruled unconstitutional, which eventually nullified the program until it was partially re-instated by the Iowa state legislature. Most of the potential candidates to replace Vilsack in the 2006 election have openly criticized the program.

Vilsack believes, along with the DLC, that abortion should be safe, legal, and rare, and supports lifting the ban on stem-cell research. Like any Iowa politician, he is a big proponent of ethanol as a renewable energy resource, and he supports the Kyoto agreement on global warming. He is also in favor of preventing unauthorized firearm use with "smart gun" technology.

His campaign finance reports from 2002 have the usual contributions from labor unions and teachers organizations. He started the Heartland PAC to help Midwestern Democratic candidates, which also receives most of its money from Big Labor. His position as Chair of the DLC opens up the full centrist Democratic fundraising cornucopia, which Bill Clinton tapped for his two runs, to his disposal. Of course, Vilsack may have to compete with another member of the Clinton family for that cash.

Tom and Christie Vilsack have two sons

After reading up on Tom, it looks like he would only run if Hillary decides not to, or if Hillary is heavily damaged by her steamer trunk full of baggage. He is clearly the next Clinton in lieu of the real thing. Vilsack often refers, much like his idol, to his difficult childhood and dealing with his alcoholic (adoptive) mother. Not having seen him live, I can't vouch for his charisma, but a brief survey of reporters and bloggers who have seen him say that he's no Slick Willie in terms of personal charm. He has the huge advantage of being a hometown boy in the pivotal Iowa caucuses, but if he wins that narrowly and flops in New Hampshire, he could be sunk early. ABCNews' The Note mentioned today that Vilsack's camp is hoping that the Democrats run a neutral primary between Iowa and New Hampshire where Vilsack could do well enough to soften the blow of a bad showing back east. As head of the DLC, he should have something to say about that.

DAY 986 - A.B.B.

I did two Republicans in a row, so we'll do two Democrats in a row. Today's Democrat is Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI). Russell Dana Feingold was born on March 2nd, 1953 (send him a birthday card!) in Janesville, Wisconsin. His father was an attorney and his mother worked at a title company. After public high school, Feingold graduated with a B.A. from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, was a member of Phi Beta Kappa, then went on to Oxford University as a Rhodes Scholar. Upon returning to the U.S., Feingold received his J.D. from Harvard Law School in 1979. He married Sue Levine in 1977, and they had two children. They divorced in 1986. In 1991, he married Mary Erpenbach Speerschneider (whew!), whom he divorced in 2005.

Feingold worked at private law firms after finishing his schooling, and in 1982, he entered politics by winning a seat in the Wisconsin State Legislature. He served there until winning election to the U.S. Senate in 1992. He was re-elected to the Senate in 1998 and 2004.

Feingold could best be described as a maverick populist. His political hero is undoubtedly the late Senator Paul Wellstone of neighboring Minnesota. During his first run for the US Senate, he posted a contract with voters on his garage door which consisted of the following:

1. I will rely on the Wisconsin citizens for most of my contributions.
2. I will live in Middleton, Wisconsin. My children will go to school here and I will spend most of my time here in Wisconsin.
3. I will accept no pay raise during my six-year term in office.
4. I will hold a "Listening Session" in each of Wisconsin's 72 counties each year of my six-year term in office.
5. I will hire the majority of my Senate staff from individuals who are from Wisconsin or have Wisconsin backgrounds.

At this point, he has lived up to each of these promises. His major legislative achievement has been the passing of the campaign finance reform act known as "McCain-Feingold", which we've covered earlier. Feingold has also come out strongly against government waste, even returning appropriations money that his office doesn't use. Feingold voted against the war in Iraq, was the only Senator to vote against the USA PATRIOT Act, which he opposed on civil liberties grounds, and has been leading the fight against the Bush Administration's warrantless surveillance program. He has been named the "most progressive person" in the Senate by the Americans for Democratic Action. He has a 93% rating with NARAL, 91% with the NEA, 80% with the ACLU, and 100% with the AFL-CIO and the League of Conservation Voters. Feingold serves on the Judiciary Committee (Constitution Subcommittee), Committee on Foreign Relations (Africa Subcommittee), Committee on the Budget, U.S. Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, Special Committee on Aging, and the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe.

Feingold's campaign funding, as his promise #1 suggests, comes primarily from Wisconsin citizens. In his last campaign in 2004, Feingold raised $11 million, 90% of which were from individuals, and a majority of whom were from Wisconsin.

I'd have to say Feingold could either be 2008's amped-up version of Dennis Kucinich, or 2008's George McGovern. Neither of these outcomes would bode well either for him or the Democratic Party. He'll either force the eventual nominee to veer further leftward than he or she might want, or he'll somehow snag the nomination on a wave of populist fervor, leading to a crushing defeat in the general election. "Unelectable" is the word that jumps out from Feingold's record. American voters have not elected anyone like Feingold since Jimmy Carter in 1976, and Carter's election came after the extraordinary circumstances of Watergate. Carter's record was also less well known than Feingold's, which is an open book. In addition, Carter was a born-again Christian from the South and Feingold is most decidely neither of those things. For any conservative or moderate not already thrown off by Feingold's progressivism and his no vote on Iraq, there is the matter of his two divorces. No twice-divorced, not-currently-married person has ever even run for president, let alone been elected. The last non-married man to be elected president was Grover Cleveland in 1884. In his defense, Feingold's integrity in the Senate has been impeccable, and he certainly has the credentials to be president, but that's not nearly enough in the polarized environment in which we find ourselves.

DAY 988 - A.B.B.

I watched a bit of the NBA All-Star game last night. There hasn't been that lack of defense since Poland in 1939. Or last year's NBA All-Star Game.

Today we have a Wiki-peek at Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. Willard Mitt Romney was born March 12, 1947 in Detroit, Michigan. He is the son of former Michigan Governor George Romney. He graduated from Cranbrook School in Bloomfield Hills, MI, where he met his wife, Ann Davies, then received a B.A. from Brigham Young University, and MBA from Harvard Business School, and a JD from Harvard Law School. So, basically, he's way over-qualified to run the government. But he still wants to, so we press on.

After his considerable schooling, Romney co-founded Bain & Company, a leading venture capital firm. Among it's investments are Staples, Brookstones, Sealy, and The Sports Authority. Romney was a Vice-President there until 1984, and then later became CEO. Romney ran for the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts in 1994, losing to Ted Kennedy. He went on to head the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Organizing Committee, helping salvage those games from the throes of a bribery scandal. In 2002, Romney ran for Governor of Massachusetts, and after incumbent interim Governor Jane Swift declined to challenge him in the Republican primary, Romney went on to defeat Democrat Shannon O'Brien to win the statehouse. In that race, there was a great deal of turmoil regarding Romney's residency status. Romney had original filed his federal income taxes as a Utah resident for the years 2000-2002, while he was working on the Salt Lake committee, but later amended those returns to show his Belmont, MA home as his primary residence. Massachusetts requires a seven-year residency before a person can run for Governor. A Republican-led ballot commission ended the debate by declaring him eligible. So there.

Romney is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons to you and me). He holds conservative views on nearly all social issues, and is very strongly pro-life personally, although he has stated that he will protect a woman's right to choose as Governor. During his term as Governor, which he has already stated will be his first and last, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled that laws discriminating against same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, and demanded that the state devise a remedy for same-sex couples within 180 days. Massachusetts has yet to agree on a same-sex marriage statute, and Romney has been fighting the court's ruling ever since it was handed down, immediately proposing an amendment to the state constitution to define marriage as "between one man and one woman." Romney has also vetoed a bill to fund stem-cell research, a veto which was overridden by the legislature.

In fiscal matters, Romney appears to have a bit of a magic touch. In addition to his business acumen and his success with the 2002 Salt Lake Olympics, Romney has helped turn Massachusetts' 2003 deficit of $500 million into a $700 million surplus for 2005. As always, it's impossible to tell what part of that was Romney, and what part of that was just a booming local economy, but none it was from raising taxes, to which he is adamantly opposed.

On other domestic issues, Romney is no gun nut; he supports the Brady Bill and the assault weapons ban. He's also in favor of the death penalty and three strikes legislation.

Romney has never had to face any foreign policy issues in his political life, but like any good conservative, he is in favor of a strong national defense. Also like many other good conservatives, Romney did not fight in the Vietnam War, instead serving as a missionary for the Mormon Church in that squalid hellhole we call...France. I'd like to see that Swift Boat campaign.

Romney received a great deal of campaign cash for his 2002 gubernatorial run from something called the Commonwealth PAC, which Romney's friends and supporters formed. Some of this cash comes from his Bain investment partners, such as Staples, and Bain employees. Romney also contributed $6 million of his own funds.

Mitt has been married to Ann for 36 years. They have five sons.

Romney, like Bayh, appeals to people who mostly hate what he stands for, which is a neat trick for a politician. "The Mormon thing", as I'm calling it, may be a deal-killer for many people, however. It will certainly get a lot of attention from the mainstream press if he decides to run. Though Mormons are as conservative and Christian as they come, many other conservative Christian evangelicals consider the Mormons to have an odd aura of mysticism and secrecy and will need a lot of convincing to give Romney the nomination. His prospects for the general election seem to not be as bad, given his strong business background and record of turning messes around, which most voters will surely appreciate in 2008.

DAY 992 - A.B.B.

Hey, I'm thinking of switching to an all-curling blog. Here's a taste:

What was U.S. Skip Pete Fenson thinking? The clear play in the tenth end was to take out the Italian stone in the four-foot and set up a guard on the American shot rock! We had last rock, for crying out loud! So much for this bonspiel.

Pretty good, huh? Now all I need is a fucking clue what the hell I'm talking about. Oh, well, back to politics. Actually, I have the same problem there, but it doesn't bother me in the least.

Today's candidate Wiki-purloin is Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City. Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani III was born on May 28th, 1944 in Brooklyn, NY. His father was Harold Angelo Giuliani and his mother was Helen C. D'Avanzo, both children of Italian immigrants. He was raised in Garden City South on Long Island and attended Manhattan College before graduating from New York University School of Law magna cum laude in 1968. Also in that year he married his first wife Regina Peruggi, and clerked for a US District Court judge after graduation. His marriage to Peruggi was annulled by the Catholic Church in 1982.

Giuliani has been a registered Democrat, Independent, and Republican. No word on whether the Green Party is next, but I wouldn't bet on it. Giuliani became an Assistant US Attorney in 1970, and moved on to the Justice Department in 1975 as Associate Deputy Attorney General and chief of staff to the Deputy Attorney General. He became the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York in 1983, where he prosecuted Michael Douglas' "Greed is good" inspirations Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken for various insider trading charges. Giuliani also went after organized crime and drug dealers during his tenure.

Giuliani ran for Mayor of New York in 1989, losing to David Dinkins in a very close race. He faced off against Dinkins again in 1993, this time winning by a few percentage points. He was re-elected almost by affirmation in 1997, and was forced to give up his post due to term limits after the 2001 election. During Giuliani's eight years in office, crime rates in the city significantly decreased, although it is impossible to determine what effect his administration had on these results. Giuliani pursued a strategy of aggressively cracking down on minor offenses such as jaywalking and littering with the idea that this would send a signal that order would be maintained. He also helped clean up Times Square, removing adult establishments and encouraging family-oriented chain restaurants and other mass media entities to move in. His tactics raised criticism from minority groups who felt unfairly targeted by what they felt was out-of-control, thuggish police behavior. In 1999, for example, unarmed West African immigrant Amadou Diallo was shot 19 times and killed by police for reaching into his jacket when they came to his apartment to question him. This followed a 1997 case in which Haitian immigrant Abner Louima was viciously sodomized with a mop handle by cops after a disturbance outside a nightclub.

Giuliani formed an exploratory committee to run for the New York State Senate seat ultimately won by Hillary Clinton. He dropped out of the race due to prostate cancer and due to the discovery of his extra-marital affair with Judith Nathan, a former pharmaceutical sales representative whom he later married. At one point during his separation and divorce from his first wife, Donna Hanover, Hanover was still living in Gracie Mansion, and Giuliani was living in the apartment of his gay friend Howard Koeppel and Koeppel's partner, Mark Hsiao.

The Mayor's rise to national prominence, of course, took place following the 9/11 attacks. Giuliani was almost universally praised for his leadership on the day of the attacks and the days and weeks that followed, and was even named Time's Person Of The Year for 2001. He requested, and was given, an unprecedented 3-month extension on his term, which finally ended in April of 2002.

After his mayoralty, Giuliani entered private business, starting the security consulting firm Giuliani Partners. One of the partners was former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, whom Giuliani recommended to replace Tom Ridge as Secretary of Homeland Security. Unfortunately for Giuliani, it was discovered, among several other revelations, that Kerik had been taking advantage of a city-owned apartment near the World Trade Center site, which had been set up as a haven for stressed out relief workers, to engage in romantic trysts with his mistress, publisher Judith Regan. Giuliani has since joined the Houston-based law firm Bracewell & Giuliani (formerly Bracewell & Patterson) while still running his original consulting firm.

Campaign finance records (that can be found on the web anyway) aren't very helpful for Giuliani, since he has never run for national office. His 1997 mayoral run records don't show any obvious corporate benefactors, although Koeppel, a car dealer, and Invemed Associates, a law firm led by Kenneth Langone, a Home Depot board member, appear to be large fund raisers. His association with Bracewell, which defends several energy clients, would suggest that he is looking to become friendly with George W. Bush's circle of contributors.

Giuliani's second marriage, to former WPIX news anchor Hanover, produced his only children, son Andrew and daughter Caroline. Andrew, age 7 at the time, made himself infamous and fodder for parody by Saturday Night Live's Chris Farley by climbing all over his father during Giuliani's first inaugural address. Andrew is now 18 and dating Olympic Gold Medal skater Sarah Hughes.

Baggage, baggage, baggage. Rudy has it in spades. He's being named a front runner for 2008, but I don't see it. Once the press and his GOP opponents get done untangling his extra-marital affairs, his moderate social politics including a pro-choice stance on abortion and generally pro-gay leanings, the whole Bernie Kerik mess, Abner Louima and Amadou Diallo, and the fact that he comes from New York, I can't imagine the Republican Party giving him the top of the ticket. No way, no how. Now, the Green Party, that's another story.

DAY 994 - A.B.B.

I forgot to trot out my Dick Cheney jokes yesterday. Here's a few:

Not sure if this has anything to do with anything, but on Friday, Halliburton was awarded a no-bid contract to run the trauma unit at that hospital in Corpus Christi.

Man, the initiation ceremony to become a Bush Pioneer is a real son-of-a-bitch.

The delay in reporting the incident was due to the fact that for the mandatory drug test, the Texas Wildlife Commission had to fly in a special kit for a Satan's Minion 1st Class.

Ok, enough of that. Today's profile is Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN). Birch Evans "Evan" Bayh (huh?) was born in Shirkieville, IN on December 26th (same day as my niece, Kim!), 1955. His father is former Indiana Senator Birch Bayh, also a Democrat. Evan graduated with a bachelor's degree in business, economics and public policy from the Indiana University Kelley School of Business in 1978, and received his J.D. from the University of Virginia in 1981. I wonder if he ever ran into George Allen. Anyway, Bayh entered politics in 1986 after being elected Indiana's Secretary of State, and then Governor in 1988 (the nation's youngest Governor at 32). Bayh was re-elected to the statehouse in 1992. During his tenure, Bayh implemented a $1.6 billion tax cut and presided over a huge budget surplus. His initiatives included a welfare-to-work program, and a program to give students who are eligible for the free-lunch program, graduate high school with passing grades, and pledge not to experiment with illegal drugs full tuition to the public university of their choice. Damn, that could have saved me a fortune in student loans. Bayh became the junior Senator from Indiana in 1998, and was re-elected in 2004. His committee assignments are Banking Housing and Urban Affairs, on which he is the Ranking Member of the Subcommittee on International Trade and Finance; Armed Services; the Select Committee on Intelligence; the Special Committee on Aging; and the Small Business Committee.

Bayh's voting record in the Senate is liberal-to-moderate. He has a 100% rating from NARAL Pro-Choice America, NAACP, National Education Association, various environmental groups, AFL-CIO and many other labor groups, and a zero rating from the National Right-to-Life Committee, Christian Coalition, Family Research Council, and the American Family Association. He voted for the war in Afghanistan and in Iraq, but has championed initiatives to better equip soldiers and to remove what he calls the "Patriot Penalty" pay cut that reservists experience when they leave their civilian jobs and go on active duty. Bayh does not believe that Iraq was re-constituting their WMD program and has been critical of the Bush Administration's use of pre-war intelligence. In other issues, Bayh is pro death penalty, anti Bush tax cuts, pro private accounts for Social Security, and pro alternative energy research.

As for where he gets the cash to run his campaigns, Bayh received about 63% of his 2004 Senate funds from individuals, about 29% from PACs, and 8% from others. His largest single contributors were the investment bank Goldman Sachs, and Eli Lilly, a pharmaceutical giant based in Indianapolis. The former might give some insight into why he's for private accounts for Social Security, and the latter might explain his support of the 2003 Medicare prescription drug bill.

After a brief yet cursory search, I have yet to uncover any notable gaffes or missteps in Bayh's political career.

Eli Lilly has also played a role in Bayh's personal life. His wife, Susan, now a law professor who serves on several corporate boards, was formerly an attorney with the firm. Evan and Susan have twin boys, Beau (you're kidding me, right?) and Nicholas.

Bayh and Allen are running aggressive but quiet campaigns outside the glare of McCain and Clinton, but I think they will be most likely be on top of their respective tickets come 2008. Bayh is an experienced and very successful politician who has won by record or near-record amounts in a relatively Republican state in every election he's entered. He clearly seems to have the mojo. He appeals to the pro-choice, pro-labor base, but can garner a lot of independent votes with his hawkish stands on the war and securing the homeland. He carries none of Hillary's considerable baggage, and he isn't an also-ran in previous elections like Al Gore, John Edwards, or John Kerry. One of the web sites I checked says he has a $9.5 million campaign fund already amassed. I doubt that he'll ultimately surpass Hillary in fund-raising prowess, but it's a pretty good start if it's true. The main thing keeping Bayh from the top spot is name recognition, but that usually takes care of itself in Iowa and New Hampshire. If you win there, the press has to start paying attention, and I can't see Iowa at least choosing Mrs. Clinton over a Midwestern populist like Bayh.

DAY 995 - A.B.B.

We'll put aside House-Senate Joint Resolution 24 for the time being, since it's been stuck in committee for a year. That might be a bad idea (me putting it aside, I mean. J.R. 24 is definitely a bad idea), but I can't bring myself to contemplate the alternative.

Today's profile will be George Allen, Republican Senator from Virginia. George Felix Allen was born on March 8th, 1952 in Whittier, California, boyhood home of one Richard M. Nixon. Allen's father is the Hall-of-Fame NFL head coach George Allen, who led the Washington Redskins to the Super Bowl and received play-calling suggestions from one, um, Richard M. Nixon, among other accomplishments. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Allen the younger received a B.A. in History and a J.D. from the University of Virginia.

After college, Allen entered politics, representing Albemarle County in the Virginia House of Delegates from 1983 to 1991. He won a special election in 1991 to fill the vacant 7th District seat in Virginia in the House of Representatives. Allen's term lasted only until 1993 because of redistricting following the 1990 census. George decided to run for Governor of Virginia in 1993, and won. His tenure was limited by statute to only one term, and he left the Governor's office in 1998. In 2000, Allen became a United States Senator, defeating incumbent Chuck Robb in a hotly contested race. Since joining the Senate, Allen has become a member of the Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, the Small Business and Entrepreneurship Committee, the Foreign Relations Committee and the Energy and Natural Resources Committee.

Like McCain, Allen is a divorcee. His first wife is Anne Patrice Rubel, whom he divorced in 1983. His current wife is Susan Brown Allen. They have been married since 1986, and have three children.

Allen is considered to be a staunch pro-business social conservative who lists Ronald Reagan among his heroes. He receives a 100 percent voting score from such organizations as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Christian Coalition, and the National Right-to-Life Committee, and a zero percent score from the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the National Education Association. His foreign policy views mainly align with President Bush, but any stated position on the war in Iraq (and the greater war on terrorism), other than a boilerplate support for the troops, is conspicuously absent from his web site, despite his position on the Foreign Relations Committee. Allen is said to rely quite often on football metaphors in his speeches, and even carries a football in his official family portrait.

Allen's public missteps include calling the Civil War "a four-year struggle for independence and sovereign rights" in 1997, and in 2005 appearing at Rev. Pat Robertson's Regent University shortly after Robertson said that an "out-of-control judiciary" is more of a threat than Nazi Germany or Al Qaeda. Also in 2005, Allen did attempt to make up somewhat for the Civil War comment by sponsoring a formal Senate apology for not doing enough to stop lynching, which he delivered from the Senate floor.

ABCNews's "The Note" only today quoted a Conservative Political Action Conference straw poll of conservatives mostly aged 18-24 that listed Allen as the front-runner for the 2008 GOP nomination, slightly ahead of McCain. Allen has also been polling at or near the top in several other GOP polls. I would say he's got the best chance to win, given the current make-up of the Republican Party. His conservative views and Reagan worship appeal to the Christian base, and his Southern roots and love of football should sway the NASCAR dads. The 2006 Virginia Senate race is shaping up to be extremely intriguing, however. Allen's initial opposition in the race was Harris Miller, a businessman who heads the Information Technology Association of America, a lobbying group for technology businesses. Miller has come out strongly in favor of voting machines made by Diebold and other companies, making you wonder if either or both parties had something up their sleeves in tabbing him as a candidate. In early polls, Allen was swamping Miller, but then decorated Marine James Webb, former Secretary of the Navy under Reagan, entered the race for the Democrats. If Webb can gather some momentum (and more importantly, lots of cash), win the nomination, challenge Allen to a real race, and even beat him, the entire Republican strategy for 2008 could veer off in a completely unpredictable direction. Webb's candidacy is still very new, though, and it's impossible to say if he has any chance whatsoever.

OPENING CEREMONY

Ok, kids, in honor of the XX Winter Olympiad in Turin/Torino (somebody make up their mind on this, please), Italy, we'll be playing a special game of Make 'Em Rhyme, using various photos I've stolen off the Internet. So, if you're up to it, Make 'Em Rhyme!

DAY 998 - A.B.B.?

Oh. My. God.

DAY 999 - A.B.B.

Today we'll cross the aisle and take a look at the leading Democratic contender to be A.B.B., Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

(I promise these will be more than just Wikiregurgitations once we get to the more obscure hopefuls.)

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was born on October 26th, 1947 in Chicago, IL, and was raised in nearby Park Ridge, IL. Her father Hugh was into textiles and her mother Dorothy was a housewife. She graduated from Maine South High School in 1965 and matriculated at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. She briefly served as the president of the Wellesley College Republicans (a woman after Karl Rove's heart!), but joined the Democratic Party shortly after graduating as valedictorian of her class in 1969. She was the first student to deliver a commencement address at Wellesley, a speech which was chronicled in Life Magazine.

Rodham entered Yale Law School in 1969, where, while working on a number of liberal causes including, among others, Senator Walter Mondale's sub-committee on migrant workers, she met a young, dashing law student by the name of Bill Clinton. The two were married in 1975, two years after Hillary received her J.D. from Yale. The couple moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, where Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm and Bill ran for and won the state governership in 1978. Hillary was the first woman to be made a full partner at Rose in 1979, and after Bill suffered his only electoral setback in 1980, the couple returned to the governor's mansion in 1982, where they would remain until 1992. Hillary gave birth to her only child, Chelsea, on February 27th, 1980 (who may or may not be Bill's only child, depending which right-wing conspiracy theorist you talk to). Hillary continued to work for the Rose Law Firm throughout her tenure as Arkansas' First Lady.

Of course, Hillary became the First Lady of the United States when Bill was elected to the presidency in 1992 and again in 1996. Though she worked on many of the traditional issues tackled by First Ladies, such as women's rights and children's issues, Hillary broke significant new ground with her assignment to head the president's Task Force on National Health Care Reform. This assignment proved to be a debacle, as the Task Force issued a confusing and complex plan that failed to gain support in Congress. Hillary was not asked to participate publicly on any substantive issue after this, although she was surely President Clinton's closest and most trusted adviser throughout his two terms in office, which wound down shortly after the infamous Monica Lewinsky sex scandal broke in 1998.

Ever the pioneer, Hillary became the first First Lady to seek, and then to obtain, a Senate seat, winning the 2000 race to replace Daniel Patrick Moynihan in New York, after she and Bill had purchased a house in Chappaqua, NY in tony Westchester County earlier that year. Certainly, Mrs. Clinton's grace and wrought-iron determination amid the Lewinsky scandal played an enormous role in engendering sympathy with New York State voters. During her Senate tenure, Hillary has focused primarily on Homeland Security, especially after the 9/11 attacks occurred in her state, and has continued her interest in universal health care. Politically, Clinton has spent much of the past six years employing her husband's famous "triangulation" strategy, taking policy positions significantly to the right of her supposed liberal constituency while still maintaining favor with that constituency. She was a strong advocate of the war in Afghanistan, voted to authorize force in Iraq (although recently she has been critical of the Bush administration's execution of the war), and has allied herself with noted conservative bomb thrower and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on improving access to medical records. Mrs. Clinton is running for a second term in the Senate in 2006, and appears to be a shoo-in, although it was reported just today that Rove may be helping the current Republican front-runner, Yonkers Mayor John Spencer, which surely sent a shiver down Mrs. Clinton's spine. Karl Rove could have made Jeffrey Dahmer a viable candidate for County Coroner.

Scandal has not evaded Mrs. Clinton nor merely been confined to her husband. In 1979, Mrs. Clinton managed to turn a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into a $100,000 profit with the help of her friend James Blair. This amazing return prompted charges of hidden bribery, none of which were substantiated. In 1993, several long-time employees of the White House Travel Office were fired and allegedly replaced with Clinton cronies. Mrs. Clinton was implicated in the firings, in a scandal known as "TravelGate", but special prosecutor Robert Ray could not find conclusive evidence that she was involved. Also, White House Deputy Counsel Vince Foster committed suicide on July 20th, 1993, a death that numerous conspiracy wackos have attempted to tie to the Clintons, and specifically to Hillary, after it was alleged that files related to the Senate Special Whitewater Committee had been removed from Foster's office on Hillary's orders. And of course there was the Whitewater scandal itself, in which the Clintons were involved in a land speculation deal in Arkansas in 1978. After a $40 million investigation, the Clintons were cleared of any wrongdoing, although the probe did manage to unearth Bill's dalliance with an intern.

Hillary has written several books, including her best-selling 2003 autobiography "Living History". She received a Grammy for the audiobook version of her 1996 book, "It Takes A Village:And Other Lessons Children Teach Us". She is famously a New York Yankees fan, despite her Midwestern upbringing.

Can she win in 2008? The Democratic nomination seems eminently reachable. I don't see another Democrat with near her name recognition, charisma, and campaign apparatus. John Edwards, Al Gore, and John Kerry have all been rejected either by the party or the full electorate or both, making it unlikely that the Democrats will try to recycle them. Evan Bayh is a new face, but as such he has a long way to go to catch up to Mrs. Clinton's almost rock-star status. As for the general election, it seems unlikely that a polarizing figure such as Hillary could out-poll her own husband, who in both 1992 and 1996 failed to receive a majority of the popular vote. In addition, her nomination would unleash a smear/whisper campaign by her rabid opponents the likes of which the republic has never seen nor will likely see again.

THESE LOW APR RATES ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY

Yup. When I think of quality financial instruments, I think of Kramer riding a tricycle.

DAY 1000 - A.B.B.

Today, TCP is kicking off a new semi-regular feature. In exactly 1000 days, we'll be electing a new president. Thanks to the 22nd Amendment (many, many great and heartfelt thanks, I might add), this president will be Anybody But Bush (hence the A.B.B).

I have no idea what this feature will consist of. I'm doing it mainly because a) I have nothing else to write about, since I won't be repeating last year's hideous experiment of Phillies blogging, and b) it makes me feel good. To see those numbers count down, day by day, will do more to warm my frigid little heart than anything I can imagine.

I guess we can start with a profile of one of the contenders for the 2008 race, Senator John McCain, R-AZ. (Don't let the fact that his is the first profile be an indication of my sympathies...the election is still a long way away.)

Senator John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29th, 1936 in the U.S.-controlled (at the time) Panama Canal Zone. If he were to be elected, he would be the first president ever born outside the United States. Look for the right-wing nut jobs to bring that up during the primaries. A son and grandson of Navy admirals, McCain joined the US Naval Academy in 1954 after attending Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. In 1958, McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students (maybe Bush isn't so dumb after all).

After graduation, McCain became a naval aviator, and served in Vietnam on the USS Forrestal and the Oriskany. He was shot down on October 26th, 1967 and held as a prisoner of war in Hanoi. He remained imprisoned for five-and-a-half years, finally being released in 1973. He received the Silver Star, a Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Flying Cross for his Vietnam service. Can you say "Hanoi Hilton Survivors for Truth"?

After retirement from the Navy in 1981, McCain ran for and won the seat for the First Congressional district of Arizona in 1982. In 1986, McCain won the Arizona Senate seat that Barry Goldwater had vacated when he retired. McCain has since been re-elected to the Senate three more times, the most recent in 2004.

Early in his tenure in the Senate, McCain was tabbed as one of the notorious "Keating Five", a group of Senators who received cash and favors from savings & loan operator Charles Keating. McCain was eventually exonerated for his role, and ever since has spent a great deal of time on campaign finance reform, culminating in the passing of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, also known as the McCain-Feingold Act. Among other provisions, this act prohibits "soft money" (unlimited money raised for the parties and not any specific candidate), and bans "issue ads" (ads produced by corporations or labor unions that refer to candidates but do not expressly advocate their election of defeat) in the 60 days prior to a general election of the 30 days prior to a primary election. The results of the act have been generally weak. Both parties have used a loophole in the act that allows for the raising of unlimited money by what are called 527 organizations, such as MoveOn.org and the ironically named "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth", both of which played a significant role in the 2004 presidential election.

McCain ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2000. Prior to the South Carolina primary, campaign workers for George W. Bush called South Carolina voters and asked then if they knew that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child and that he and his wife were raising the child in their home. The Bush workers were referring to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter, Bridget, whom McCain and his wife Cindy had found in an orphanage run by Mother Teresa. Nice. Due to this and many other questionable campaign tactics by the Bush team, McCain's early lead in the primaries was wiped out, and George W. Bush vaulted into the nomination.

Personally, McCain has been married twice, first to model Carol Shepp, whom he divorced in 1980, and then to his current wife, beer distributorship heiress Cindy Hensley McCain. McCain has fathered five children, one with Carol, and four with Cindy. In addition to Bridget, he also adopted Carol's two sons from a previous marriage.

The divorce and remarriage will likely be a significant story in the 2008 campaign. Shepp was involved in an auto accident while McCain was being held prisoner which left her on crutches and with a significant weight gain. McCain admits to engaging in extramarital affairs between the time he arrived home in 1973 and his divorce in 1980, and was likely having an affair with Cindy before the divorce was finalized.
Cindy herself has had some personal setbacks, including an admitted addiction to painkillers, and a recent stroke.

McCain has had a few other notable gaffes in his career. In 1998, he joked at a Republican fundraiser, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." In 2000, he told reporters on his "Straight Talk Express" campaign bus that "I hate the gooks.... I will hate them as long as I live". He was forced to apologize for both remarks.

McCain has appeared in several films and TV shows, befitting his apparent love of pop culture. His resume includes cameos in "The Wedding Crashers" and "24", frequent guest stints on "The Daily Show" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien", and hosting "Saturday Night Live".

I'd have to say at this point, McCain would be the front runner for the Republican nomination if there weren't such pesky things as primaries and convention delegates. Unfortunately for McCain, these institutions are controlled by evangelical Christian conservatives in many parts of the country, and they do not necessarily take kindly to McCain's moderate voting history, his desire for campaign finance and other reforms, and the seeming embrace of him by many high-profile left-wing and moderate celebrities. McCain made a concerted effort during the 2004 campaign to assuage some of the fears of the Christian right, aligning himself strongly with President Bush and the war in Iraq. The recent revelations about the Bush administration possibly engaging in torture and illegal domestic surveillance and McCain's sharp opposition to both programs, however, have helped distance McCain from the President and could deeply hurt his chances in 2008. Another factor is McCain's age. He will be 72 in 2008, which is three years older than the oldest elected president, Ronald Reagan, was in 1980.

Many thanks to Wikipedia, from which most of this was brazenly lifted.

NOW SHUT UP AND GO HOME

My grade for the Broncos performance against the Steelers yesterday?

IN - COM - PLETE!!!

Wah, wah, waaaahhhhh.

SHOW ME THE NEXT OVERUSED LINE OF MOVIE DIALOGUE!

"I wish I could quit you!"

Pass it on.

Hey, Blogger tells me that this is my 271st post since TCP was re-started after a brief absence.

What? It's a prime number. Isn't it? Yes, it is.

DY-NOT-STY

My beloved Patriots run of excellence came to an abrupt and ignominious end Saturday. I knew things were going to go badly, well, when, thanks to the unfortunate inelasticity of Carson Palmer's various left knee ligaments, the Pats became slotted to play the Denver Broncos in Denver. I've been following the Patriots in a most irrational and, frankly, childish manner for over 30 years, and the thought of a road game in Denver never fails to summon dread. We once went from 1966 to 2000 without beating the Broncos on the road. New England was forced to play in Denver three straight times in the 80's without a return visit by the Broncos, and we lost every single game. It became an almost yearly ritual; check the schedule, see when we play the Broncos in Denver, chalk up an L.

During the glorious 2003 season, it appeared the Denver curse was about to manifest itself once more on a Monday night when Bill Belichick ordered an intentional safety to give the Broncos a 26-23 lead with time running out. In a testament to the magic quality of that year, the Broncos muffed the free kick, were forced to punt, and the Pats scored the winning touchdown with seconds remaining. Finally! We've found a way to beat the Broncos - give them a free two points to get back seven for a net five. Whatever works. Then this season we were forced to play Denver in Denver yet again, and we fell behind 28-3 before the idiot Bronco fan who wears a barrel had even sat down (well, he never sits down, but you know what I mean).

So, when the Steelers finished off the Bengals, despair began to set in. I derived little pleasure from the conventional wisdom that the Pats were the champs until somebody knocked them off. To my mind, if anyone could do it, it would be the Broncos, scourge of my Pats fan youth. Finally, game day arrived, and after watching the Seahawks dispatch the Redskins, I prepared for the difficult task ahead. Then, with 15 minutes to kickoff...the cable went out! Huh? I looked outside. It was a bit windy. Ok, it was gusting pretty good, but not exactly a Category 3 or anything. I checked the channels again on the downstairs TV, then raced upstairs to check the set in the bedroom. Nothing. NO! If I have to see this thing end, I at least want to SEE this thing end! We don't have an antenna, and we're too far from Philly to get a decent over-the-air signal without one. Well, no problem. I purchased Sirius satellite radio prior to the 2004 season so I could catch all the Patriots play-by-play when they weren't on national TV. I hooked up the home receiver to my computer speakers and listened to the last few minutes of the TD Banknorth pre-game show in my home office while playing Spider Solitaire.

The game started, and the teams traded punts a couple of times in what sounded like a tough field-position battle. I figured the cable would be restored by halftime, and I could watch the second half in high-definition crispness. And then, of course...the power went out!!!! You've got to be kidding me. All my years as a Patriots fan, all my suffering, all my ranting at bad play calling, bad coaching, bad players, bad officiating, all my pounding of tables and punching of walls, all that sorrow and pain, all of which had been miraculously reversed by three joyous Super Bowl celebrations, and now the dynasty was going to end with...me sitting in my car, listening on the satellite radio? Oh, the agony.

It started out well enough, me shivering in my Subaru, parked in the community parking area a few yards from my house. By this time, the wind was now blowing 30-40 mph, and snow was falling. I got bored sitting there, so I drove around the neighborhood to see why the power was out. It looked like a tree had fallen a mile or two down the road, knocking out the juice to a relatively small section of houses of which mine was one. That figures. As for the game, Adam Vinatieri connected on a 40-yard field goal to make it 3-0. And then The Weirdness started. With about 2 minutes left in the half, Kevin Faulk fumbled after running for a first down, and Denver recovered on the Pats' 40. On the next play, Asante Samuel was flagged for what Gil Santos and Gino Cappelletti both called a terrible pass interference penalty in the end zone, and the Broncos immediately scored a 1-yard touchdown to go ahead 7-3. Ellis Hobbs then fumbled the kickoff, and the Broncos added a 50-yard Jason Elam field goal for a 10-3 halftime lead.

Since I hate halftime shows, I scanned the satellite channels for some brief diversion until the second half kickoff. In another example of eerie foreshadowing, the comedy channel had on a live version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot Sketch". I could only imagine John Cleese saying, "This...is an Ex-Super Bowl Champion!."

The second half started well, with the Pats holding the Broncos, and then adding a 32-yard field goal to make it 10-6. We were stopping Denver's running game, and we were moving the ball well on offense, but we weren't quite able to get it in the end zone. If we could cut down on the turnovers, and punch it in once or twice, we had a decent shot to win the game. Tom Brady drove the Pats down field again late in the 3rd quarter, and after a Corey Dillon run, we had first and goal on the five. Quickly, we took an illegal procedure penalty to push us back to the 10, and then after a 5-yard pass play, it was second and 5. Brady then missed David Givens on a short pass, setting up third and goal on the five. It seemed like we'd have to settle for another field goal at worst, but we still had an opportunity to take the lead if we could find Mike Vrabel or Deion Branch alone in the end zone as we had so many times in the past. Brady dropped back, rolled to his right, and fired a pass toward Troy Brown.

Yes, John, this is an ex-Super Bowl Champion.

Champ Bailey stepped in front of the pass, grabbed it, and ran 100 yards down the sideline until tight end Ben Watson forced a fumble out-of-bounds around the goal line and possibly out of the end zone. There was a review of the play, but I never had a doubt after listening to Gino and Gil. We weren't going to get a miracle reversal. The Broncos maintained possession, and scored another touchdown on the next play to effectively end the New England season. I stayed in the car until Troy Brown fumbled away a punt at the Pats' 15 yard line, and Denver quickly converted that miscue for another 7 points. As if to further mock me, PECO restored power at 11:30 pm, and I was able to tune in just in time to see the Broncos begin their victory kneels.

If nothing else, I will always remember where I was the night the Patriots' dynasty ended: sitting in my fogged-up Subaru, outside of my darkened house, screaming at Champ Bailey. Somehow, now that I think of it, it seems fitting.

CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE

George Bush met with 13 former Secretaries of Defense and State at the White House yesterday, "allowing five to 10 minutes for interchange before herding the whole group into the Oval Office for what he called a 'family picture'", according to the Sydney Herald.

Here is a rush transcript of the meeting.

BUSH: Ok, everybody, you have 5 to 10 minutes to critique me on the war. Ladies first. Mad Dog?

Madeleine Albright: Are you referring to me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Who else would it be? Heh-heh

Albright: Um, ok. Well, Mr. President, isn't the war in Iraq taking up all the energy of your foreign policy team? I feel that you've let the nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea spin out of control and allowed Latin America and China policy to suffer by neglect.

BUSH: Next! Eagle-man?

Lawrence Eagleburger: Well, sir, your father may have been correct when...

BUSH: Next! Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Here?

Alexander Haig: You're doing fantastic things in Iraq, Mr. President.

BUSH: Go on.

Haig: That's all I have prepared.

BUSH. Ok, ok. Good enough. Brownie? Whoops, I better not use that nickname. Got me in trouble. Harry-guy?

Harold Brown: Mr. President, I don't feel that your administration is doing enough to address the humanitarian crisis...

BUSH: Next! Sergeant Schultz?

George Schultz: I know nothing!

BUSH: Ha-ha! I love that bit.

George Schultz: Seriously, Mr. President, I don't really know anything.

BUSH: I can sympathize. Mack-Daddy?

Robert MacNamara: Have you seen the film "Fog of War", Mr. President?

BUSH: No, was Arnold Schwarzenegger in it?

MacNamara: No, sir, "Fog Of War" is a documentary where I lay out the 11 lessons I learned from the Vietnam War.

BUSH: If it's not on DVD, I probably missed it. The Secret Service makes a run to Blockbuster every Friday. Mostly new releases, although I like them old westerns. Man, I don't know how they cleared all that brush back in those days without chain saws.

MacNamara: In any event, sir, I recommend that you screen it some day.

BUSH: Thanks, Mack-Daddy. Will do. I have a Gabby Hayes retrospectacle coming up on the schedule next weekend. I'll see if they can slip it in to break up the monogamy. Balloonfoot?

Colin Powell: (silence)

BUSH: Ok, I get it. You never did like that nickname, didja? Ok, Colin, what ya got.

Powell: (more silence)

BUSH: Fair enough. Wasn't like I was gonna listen anyway. (Looks down at watchless wrist) Ok, folks, time's up, off to the Oval to get our family picture taken. Jeez, Colin, at least smile for the camera, will ya?

FAST FRIENDS

Pat, meet Mahmoud. Mahmoud, Pat.

THUS BEGINS THE YEAR A.T. 40

Hey, every search bot, Annika Sorenstam nude hopeful (Still hoping, after all these years! You have to admire that), and one or two actual readers, it's my birthday!

This day in my history:

2004: I forget. My short-term memory is shot.

2003: My wife makes me go to someone else's birthday party. I'm still pissed about that.

1999: Ah, the flu. It's what makes the Northeast great!

1998: My last birthday in Texas. I think we ate Mexican or something. Not a Mexican, silly, Mexican food.

1993: My last birthday as a single idiot. I distinctly remember something about Miss January.

1988: I turn 21. I celebrate by doing 21 shots of Snapple. I'm a wild man, I'm telling you.

1983: I spent the day puking my guts out after drinking cherry Kool-Aid and apparently tainted Wise Bar-B-Q potato chips. It looked like the shower scene from "Psycho" was filmed in our upstairs toilet bowl.

1979: Yet another birthday while on Christmas break. Nobody ever baked me no freakin' cupcakes!

1975: I get like three kids to my birthday party, and they're only there for the entertainment. Well, it was Foghat, so I'll give them that. Actually, I told them it was Foghat, when it was really my brother lip-synching to his 8-track player.

1973: We go over to my Grandma's apartment, where she gives me a knitted wool hat. I get her back years later by giving her a 6-outlet surge protector for Christmas.

1970: My birthday is forgotten by my arch-conservative parents in all the "Thank God the 60's are finally over" hub-bub. Well, I certainly didn't remember it, anyway.

1967: At 11:54 PM, I finally slide on out. Gotta keep them in suspense.

Anything prior to that, of course, is immaterial.

FINALLY

I found myself at the Eagles game last night at Lincoln Financial Field (don't ask), and for once, someone showed some originality in the crowd while displaying a sign. The Eagles were trying to stop the Redskins from scoring, and something very similar to this flashed on the Jumbotron:



I can't help myself, I just love it.

YEAR

Once again, the inimitable (or as President Bush would say, inimitibubble) Jodi has proffered yet another brilliant idea to the blogosphere (or blogotorus, as I call it. How do we know it's a sphere?). She is posting her 2005 Year in Review by quoting the first sentence posted in the Jodiverse for each month of the year. Not to be out-retarded, TCP will be quoting the first word posted each month, and then forming a sentence with those words.

Ladies, gentlemen, and searchers of nude Merlin Olsen photos, I give you the 2005 Year in Review:

I Bill Tiger hey we as quickly infuriating leapin' I I that's.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

YA-HOOO-OOO!

Hey, my 30,000th page visit happened today. It was: a Yahoo! web search bot! I think search bots account for roughly 20,000 of my page visits to date.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I'm going to the second of my three holiday (I mean Christmas, sorry Bill) lunches this week. I'll bring back some leftovers just for my blog readers. Meaning I'll eat every damned morsel, or ort for you crossword puzzle fans.

I promise some spectacular blogeration during the week after Christmas when I'm on vacation, unless I decide to start following the return of Rick Springfield to General Hospital. I wouldn't expect much out of me, is what I'm saying.

TCP'S THIRD ANNUAL NBA/NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA OR THE NHL

That's what great about blog longevity. You can keep recycling crap from the past, and it looks new!

From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.

NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.

New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.

Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.

Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.

Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!

Central Division

Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.

Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.

Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.

Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.

Southeast Division

Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.

Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).

Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.

Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".

Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.

Western Conference
Northeast Division

Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.

Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.

Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.

Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.

Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.

Pacific Division

LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.

LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?

Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!

Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.

Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?

Southeast Division

San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.

Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.

Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.

New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.

Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.

Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.

NHL

I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.

Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.

BLATANT PLACEHOLDER

Ok, Google-primates, Annika Sorenstam is not only not nude, she's loaning out clothes for other people to wear.



And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!

FOUND ITEM: A LETTER TO SANTA, BY JUDY MILLER (AGE 7)

(Yeah, I know, she's Jewish, but you have to figure she was playing both sides of the street even then)

Dear Mr. Claus,

I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".

Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.

Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.

To that end, here are my gift requests:

1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)

Judy

THE PERFECT STORY

I have detested the cliche "the perfect storm" ever since I first heard it used to describe something other than the film of the same name, but for a male football fan like myself, this Sapphic NFL Cheerleader story is very hard to characterize with a phrase that doesn't involve the word "perfect".

In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.

A couple of things:

If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"

Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.

The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.