WIL WHEATON UP A HALF ON HEAVY TRADING
It's official: I'm worthless. Well, I'm worth a grand, but that's the official arbitrary zero point. Time to do something about it, I guess, so I've hired Dennis Kozlowski as a consultant.
TCP WOWS THE STREET!
TCP announced today that it has beaten Blogshares idea expectations in the last quarter by, uh, 5,000%! TCP will be issuing an axiom dividend of $3 per share for the 3rd quarter. We have several brilliant hypotheses in the pipeline, and we will be embarking on an aggressive path of notion acquisition over the coming months. Large shareholders (this could be you!) will be eligible for exciting adventures to exotic resort islands to discuss TCP's wide range of investment vehicles and to PAR-TAY! You haven't lived until you see our ice statue of Annika Sorenstam NUDE dispensing Stolichnaya out of, well, you'll just have to see for yourself! Write to Kozlowski Enterprises, c/o The U.S. District Court, District of New York, for a full prospectus.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
TCP'S SECOND ANNUAL NBA AND NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA AND NHL
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
Yeah, I know, second day back, and I'm already recycling stuff. But this year's is different, I'm telling you.
NBA
The NBA is now drafting almost exclusively foreign players and players under 18, due to complicated extradition procedures and lighter sentences for minors. NBA players thus far have served more jail time under the Bush Administration than Al Qaeda. Amidst all the pre-trial hearings, motions for dismissal, and parole reviews, some actual basketball may be played. Here's what to look for:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
LeBron James will be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who secured the rights to his embryo back in 1985 in a very strange lottery ceremony. ESPN will have a camera on LeBron 24 hours a day, 7 days a week throughout the basketball season, and will be offering his liaisons with groupies during road trips on Pay-Per-View. The Cavaliers will definitely not make the playoffs.
Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers, freed from the tyrannical presence of Larry Brown, will no longer attend practices, shootarounds, team meetings, or any other team function, and will not do anything on a basketball court except dribble the ball and shoot three-pointers during actual games, to which he will be chauffer-driven and brought on to the court in a gilded litter.
The New Jersey Nets will win the Eastern Conference, because somebody has to, but they will be the first team to win an NBA Conference with more than 5 players wearing electronic ankle bracelet monitors. But not the last.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will be fined "all the money in the world times six jillion dollars" by Commissioner David Stern when he ritually murders a referee at half court after a particularly bad call. Cuban will offer to clean the Porta-Sans at a Phish concert using only his tongue instead. Stern will accept. The Mavericks will lose in the conference finals after they start blocking each others shots.
Kobe Bryant of the L.A. Lakers will be found not guilty of sexual assault at his trial in Colorado after he buys each of the jurors, the judge, the prosecutor, and the alleged victim a $4 million ring. The Lakers will lose in the playoffs after Karl Malone succumbs to Alzheimer's disease.
The Portland Trail Blazers...oh never mind.
The San Antonio Spurs will win the NBA title using their radical approach of putting the ball in the net while trying to stop their opponents from doing so without any involvement with the criminal justice system.
NHL
The National Hockey League is in its final season before labor strife threatens to tear the league apart. The challenge for the NHL this year is, "Will anybody notice us when we are gone?" The smart money says "No." The Stanley Cup will still have to be won, dragged across the continent, vomited on and of course urinated in, though, so here's what to expect.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
The Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators will run out of money for player salaries. The players will continue to play, mainly because most other employers' dental insurance plans will not accept them.
Mario Lemieux, Owner/Player for the Pittsburgh Penguins, will trade himself to whatever team the Penguins are playing that night, and then purposely fire goals into his new team's net. He will then trade himself back to the Penguins and repeat the process. The Penguins will win all 82 regular season games, sweep the Eastern Conference playoffs and be 3 games to none ahead in the Stanley Cup finals before Commissioner Gary Bauer decides it's "bad for hockey."
Scott Stevens of the New Jersey Devils will literally knock someone into next week when one of his punishing checks opens up a tear in the space-time continuum. Stevens will be assessed a 10-minute major penalty, which he will have already served two years ago.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
There's absolutely nothing funny or interesting about the Western Conference of the NHL. Really. I'm not running out ideas, it's just true.
STANLEY CUP WINNER: Um, Anaheim? They won it last year, right? I don't recall.
THIS PLACE IS NO FUN AT ALL
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
It was Safety Day today. This is the day each year we have to go fight fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Again this year, I was required, I believe by OSHA regulations, to wear actual clothing under my rubber hip boots and bunker gear, so that was a bummer. Maybe next year.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
TSK TSK
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
Seriously, people, you should all be ashamed.
I mean, four or five months is plenty of time to not update your web site. Jeez!
POLITICS WITH A HUMAN TOUCH...SEVERAL, IN FACT
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
I've been thinking about attending one of these Dean or Clark meet-ups, but they look pretty lame. I have a feeling these folks would be a lot more fun.
(MY ACHIN') BACK
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
No, I couldn't stay away. I'm sick like that.
So, what's new in my life, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Aside from the supposedly inoperable cancer I licked using Deepak Chopra's complete oeuvre, the writings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, several forms of homeopathic medicine, and lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! And the heaviest slate of chemotherapy and radiation my HMO could afford. NO! Not really. I'm healthy as Ivanka Trump's poodle. Well, I have a back thing, otherwise known as a herniated disk, but I won't bore you with the details, aside from the fact that it's between L-4 and L-5, and it hurts to make sweet love to my woman.
Don't expect the often near daily, or at least semi-weekly, entries that were common with my last go at bloggerness. If it's one thing I'm not, it's a blogaholic. I'll put an entry in when I've exhausted every other conceivable method of spending my time, and I have something to write that either makes me laugh or pisses me off. Or I have a link to something strange and/or silly. You know, like 1.2 million other bloggers. I'm nothing if not unoriginal.
How do I know Ivanka Trump even has a poodle? What, do I hang with her at the Tower? This and many other secrets will be revealed in upcoming entries.
Friday, May 30, 2003
Friday, May 23, 2003
NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER...
Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate soundtrack to my farewell.
Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate soundtrack to my farewell.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
Friday, May 16, 2003
PULL MY FINGER LAKES
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
PULL MY FINGER LAKES
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
TUBE STEAK BOOGIE
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
TUBE STEAK BOOGIE
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
MAN: What a dog!
WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.
Howell Raines, have you no shame?
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
SCAM SPAM
From my inbox:
My Dear,
My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.
Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.
And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.
From my inbox:
My Dear,
My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.
Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.
And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.
DIRTY BLOG
When I heard about this, I thought I'd follow suit.
THIS IS A DRILL! THIS IS ONLY A DRILL!
If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.
Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.
When I heard about this, I thought I'd follow suit.
If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.
Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)