MEANWHILE AT NEVERLAND, MICHAEL JACKSON ASKS HIMSELF "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"
Gotta love those crazy Northwest flight attendants.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
TOP TEN WAYS TEXAS IS COMMEMORATING ITS 300TH EXECUTION
10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".
9.
audblog audio post
8.audblog audio post
7.audblog audio post
6.audblog audio post
5.audblog audio post
4.audblog audio post
3.audblog audio post
2.audblog audio post
And the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:
1.audblog audio post
Well, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.
10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".
9.
audblog audio post8.
audblog audio post7.
audblog audio post6.
audblog audio post5.
audblog audio post4.
audblog audio post3.
audblog audio post2.
audblog audio postAnd the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:
1.
audblog audio postWell, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
ONLY TEN MORE TO GO!!!
Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.
audblog audio post
You don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.
Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.
audblog audio postYou don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.
Monday, March 10, 2003
THE GREATEST AUDIO BLOG POST EVER
audblog audio post
Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!
audblog audio postSatisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!
Friday, March 07, 2003
SICK OF SIGMA
Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.
In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.
audblog audio post
Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.
In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.
audblog audio postTuesday, March 04, 2003
SAILING TAKES ME AWAY
Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.
To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!
Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.
Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.
To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!
Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.
Monday, March 03, 2003
CAN YOU DO JACK NICHOLSON?
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:
Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.
Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:
Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:
Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.
Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:
Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
REFINERY WEEKLY NEWS & NOTES
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Monday, February 24, 2003
YO! SOUTH PHILLY SALUTES YA
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Sunday, February 16, 2003
THIS JUST IN...IT'S SNOWING
I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.
Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"
This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.
I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.
Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"
This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
IT'S OFFICIAL: I SUCK!
Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!
I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.
And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?
Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!
I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.
And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?
DON'T WORRY, BEE HAPPY
Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.
So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?
Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.
So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?
Thursday, February 06, 2003
GIVE ME SOME MONEY
Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.
...
What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.
Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.
...
What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
STILL TIED UP, BUT NOT LIKE THAT CHICK ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE"
I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.
Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.
I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.
Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)