YOUTH HOSTILE
Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett won his first court battle to play in the NFL prior to the league-mandated three years after his high school class graduated. U.S. District Judge Shira Scheindlin found the NFL's eligibility rule violates anti-trust laws.
After the ruling, the San Diego Chargers announced that with the first pick in the 2004 NFL Draft, they would be selecting Michelle Wie.
Teenagers in the NFL...does that mean that every player will have a cell phone on the field?
Pretty soon the players will be so young, NFL training camps will have Indian names, be located near lakes, and every year they'll hold an "Arts and Crafts Day".
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
SIC SAD WORLDTM*, VOLUME III
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
I apologize for posting more blogorrhea about Janet Jackson, but I couldn't help myself.
As you recall, SIC SAD WORLDTM is a feature where we take quotes from the web and post them "as found", or "sic", without further embellishment, because none is needed.
Today's installment is from Reuters:
Federal Communications Commission regulators launched an investigation amid calls for the government to take a tougher stance on regulating indecency on television.
"There's now going to be an FCC investigation into the nipple," (MTV Chief Executive Tom) Freston told reporters at a news conference.
CLOSE ENOUGH FOR, WELL YOU GET THE IDEA
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
The 2004 Annual TCP Budget, as prepared by White House Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten (it's a little known fact that he moonlights as a web log budget director), is out. Here are the highlights:
EXPENSES
Internet Access..........................................................................$0.11
Domain Hosting..........................................................................$0.14
Talent.........................................................................................$0.00*
Total...........................................................................................$0.05
INCOME
Honoraria from think tanks..........................................................$587,000
MacArthur Genius Grants.............................................................$1,000,000
Nobel Prizes................................................................................$5,000,000
Spontaneous contributions by grateful readers..........................$23,675,753,000
Total.............................................................................................$900,000,000,000
Which should leave us about $899,999,999,999.95 in the black. I think somebody is headed to the boat show!
UPDATE: It looks like Josh might have forgotten to carry the 1 somewhere in there, or he may have possibly missed that supplemental request we'll be making after the November election to pay for a weekend in Vegas, because now he's saying there will be a projected deficit of $500,000,000,000. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
* I think he might actually be right about that one.
Monday, February 02, 2004
WEAPON OF MAMMARY DESTRUCTION
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
The U.S. Government mobilized today against a new, unexpected threat to national security: Janet Jackson's right breast.
"This time, we have conclusive photographic evidence," said Secretary of State Colin Powell before a special U.N. tribunal. "Clearly, Miss Jackson has been hiding active lactation munitions bunkers on her person, and thanks to Special Weapons Inspector Justin Timberlake from the N.S.Y.N.C., one of these chemical weapons stockpiles have been revealed. We must not shrink from whatever is ahead of us. I know that I certainly won't."
In a briefing with reporters at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld noted simply, "Goodness gracious, golly, and my stars."
French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin repudiated the Bush Administation's stance on the imminent threat in a press conference, saying, "What is the big deal? It's only a booby. We show that much in commercials."
A weapons inspections team is being hastily deployed to Houston to examine the newly uncovered evidence. A Pentagon spokesman said there were no shortage of volunteers for the mission.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
BEEN GONE SO LONG
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
I haven't posted much lately because I was working on a task force last week, among whose most important conclusions was that I shouldn't have been assigned to the task force. The only problem with that is, I'm going to probably stay on the task force anyway, because nobody else has the time to work on it. Nothing new here.
Today is the day my beloved Patriots end their 14 game winning streak and spurn the sweet embrace of history for a dance with the greasy insurance salesman of obscurity, or something like that. They are going to lose the Super Bowl, is what I'm trying to say. I'm looking forward to the despair, the heartbreak, and the ample supply of potato chips and dip.
I should be back to my usual schedule of posting next week. Don't say you weren't warned.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
UPCOMING VH-1 SHOWS
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
"I Was Depressed In The 30's"
"Gangs Reunited"
"100 Worst Audience Panders"
"I Did So Much Acid I Can't Remember The 60's"
"Behind The Leaked Internet Porn Video"
"SuperSecret Cable Network Formulas"
"Driven: John Hinckley"
"VH1 Bootcamp: Lingerie Models"
"I Love The 80's Strikes Back Again: Even More C and D List Celebrities Opine About Hair Bands"
"An Eminem Easter"
Monday, January 26, 2004
Friday, January 23, 2004
CHILDREN OF THE POPCORN
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
There's nothing in the news worth mentioning, other than Howard Dean's apparent attempt to imitate the sound of Rush Limbaugh realizing that he just ran out of OxyContin, and that's already been covered. What I want to talk about is my current obsession with a small piece of popcorn that's been stuck in my mouth for two days now.
You may know how this works. You eat a bunch of popcorn, and the little hard outer parts of the kernels, not the fluffy white stuff that popped, but the remnants of the kernal shell, break loose while you are chewing and find their way into all corners of your mouth. Normally, you can wash them down with some kind of frosty beverage, but often this fails, and they become lodged in your back teeth. A toothpick usually suffices to extricate the little bastards, but sometimes you have to resort to floss or an irrigater. Well, I've employed the toothpick, rooted around with the irrigater, and even tried an electric flosser thingy I bought. No dice. From what I can sense, there is one minute piece of kernel shell stuck not in my teeth, but somewhere further back, possibly on the roof of my throat. It may even be lodged in my eustachian tube, which is the canal connecting the throat to the inner ear and sinus cavity. I've provided a handy diagram for your edification:
Needless to say, this is driving me completely insane. As far as I can tell, there is no way I can reach inside there and root around without risking permanent damage to my ears and sinuses. I've seen circus geek types run chains up their noses, and out their mouths, but unfortunately, the window of opportunity for me to become a circus geek has long since passed. I'm now wondering what the half-life of a popcorn kernel is inside the human body. Is it days? Weeks? Years? Gulp (ow...damn!). Also, can I sue Orville Redenbacher posthumously? I hate that guy. How about his little geeky grandson, Gary? Here's another handy diagram of what I'd like to do to Orville if he were still alive:
Meanwhile, I'll just suffer in silence, and remind myself to be strong. Hey, maybe if I let out a guttural scream...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
CAUCUS HORRIBILUS
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
It seems that the US Government, represented on the ground in Iraq by L. Paul Bremer, would prefer the Iraqis hold a caucus rather than a direct election. After watching the Iowa Caucuses on C-SPAN, here's TCP's vision of how that would go.
...shot of Iraqis milling around, some seated in rickety folding chairs, some standing in what looks like a bombed out school library. There is a long table at the front with an Iraqi man moving frantically around shuffling papers and talking to various women in hijabs and burqas. Finally, he fiddles with the microphone and then speaks. Nothing comes out, so he cups his hand over his mouth and shouts.
Okay everyone, let's get started. I'm Ali Haji Hafsanjani and I'll be the Caucus leader tonight. We're here to hold the Presidential Caucus for Baghad Region 7, precinct 23. If you haven't gotten signed in out in the hallway, please do so now. I apologize for all the debris and live shells laying around, but you know how it is. I guess we can get going. First I have to read the disclaimer from the Coalition Provisional Authority Ambassador, L. Paul Bremer (a chorus of boos and cat-calls starts up). Everybody, settle down. Ok, here it is: "Welcome, Iraqi citizens, to the official Presidential Caucus to establish the democratic leadership of Iraq. This is an historic day for Iraq and all of its citizens, and the Coalition Provisional Authority hopes you use this opportunity to elect a leader the world can be proud of. If you don't, well, I think you know what could happen (more boos). Have fun and enjoy the fruits of freedom and democracy, as well the generous assortment of bagels and knishes (Iraqis look at each other, puzzled) that the Coalition has provided for your refreshment."
All right, well, I guess we can start caucusing. I need a hands up for all the Ahmed Chalabi supporters. Ahmed Chalabi. Chalabi? Moving on, how about the Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani people? How about you guys move into the 3rd grade classroom, down the hall, past the mound of rubble, second door on the left, and count yourselves up (a bunch of people get up and start moving toward the door). Who's going to be your representative? You? Ok, thanks, just get me a count after you all get down there. Thanks.
Let's see, now. How about the Adnan Pachaci folks? The Pachaci folks need to meet in the 4th grade room, past the really huge pile of girders, third door on the right (more people get up and start to leave). Who will represent the Pachaci people? I just need a count for now. Ok, decide amongst yourselves and let me know the count.
Nizar Al-Khazraji? General Al-Khazraji? You folks go down to the Special Events room, downstairs, first left. Yeah, you got the good room, only just fire damage. You'll represent the General? OK, get me a count.
Now, how about the Muhsin Abd al-Hamid group? 6th grade classroom, up the stairs, around the corner, first right. No roof. Very easy to find. Who..OK, let me know how many you have.
Uncommitted? Why don't you guys just hang out over in that corner by the unexploded mortars.
I almost forgot. Lyndon Larouche? There's always a few, isn't there? Why don't you move over there for the time being. Thanks.
Cut to a few minutes later. Hafsnajani exits out into the street and yells at the top of his lungs, "We've got 47 for Ayatollah Ali Husseini Al-Sistani, 32 for Adnan Pachaci, 19 for Nizar Al-Khazraji, 11 for Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, 6 uncommitted, and 3 for Larouche. Start caucusing!" He then runs away screaming as the gunfire and mortar attacks start...
Monday, January 19, 2004
PHILADELPHIA FREEDOM
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
I'm back. I've been back since Friday, but we've been through that before.
Why do people shout "echo!" when they find themselves in a location that will produce an echo? Is that just an American/English thing? Do they think if they shout something else, it won't work? Do the French shout "écho!" (complete with accent acute)? Knowing the French, they probably shout something with layers of linguistic nuance that only a French speaker could possibly comprehend. Damned Frogs.
And congratulations to the Carolina Panthers for winning Super Bowl XXXVIII! Well, they haven't won it yet, but they will. There's no way the Pats will win two Lombardi trophies in my lifetime. That would be too much for the worldwide equilibrium of fandom-luck-jinxitude to handle. The Yankees and Dolphins would have to win every year for a millennium to make up for the Pats winning two Super Bowls, and I can't allow that to happen. And I won't. WIN PATS WIN! GOOOOOO PATS!
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Eagles. My bad.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
THE FEELING IS PARI-MUTUEL
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Another day in Hallibur-town. I've moved from the bed to the chair tonight, just to liven things up a bit. The power generation class made "Gigli" look like "The Godfather", Parts I and II. Hey, that would have been cool to watch "The Godfather". I'd have even sat through Part III to avoid the lengthy discourse on gas turbines.
After class, I headed to the mall for dinner, naturally, because that's the kind of guy I am. I shop at restaurants, eat at malls. What can I say, I'm an iconoclast. Then I hit Sam Houston Race Park to place some wagers on the ambulatory dog food cans they call thoroughbreds. As usual, the Alpo-nauts got the last laugh by never coming in the way I predicted. They'll get theirs soon enough.
This will be my last post from the road. Knowing the TSA, it could be my last post, period. But I'm prepared. I have a rolled-up SkyMall, and I know how to use it.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
HERMETICALLY SEALED
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
I'm back in bed again. No, I didn't stay here all day, although it might have been just as enlightening. We learned that sometimes, steam can cost less than nothing, which was neat in a Stephen Hawking, 11-physical-dimension, parallel-universe sort of way. Had I been able to stay awake to really think about it, that is.
If I had really wanted to, I could have not left this building all day. I sleep here, the class is here, there are several restaurants here, the WebTV is here, there is a fitness room, and of course, there is ample motion picture entertainment available, some, I'm told, with actual plot and dialogue. I did make a foray outside into what passes for air around here, though, to the nearby Wal-Mart, because, well, I've got to stay close to my people! And I forgot to bring a t-shirt to work out in. Believe me, nobody needs to see me work out shirtless. Once again, everything for the sake of my people!
Tomorrow we learn about power generation. The anticipation is palpable.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
BLOG-FAST IN BED
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
I'm in Houston. I'm in bed. I'm adding an entry to my weblog. Isn't the modern world a thing of joy and wonderment? Nah, I guess not.
Anyway, I'm here. The hotel has a WebTV connection, and somebody is paying $10.99 a day for it. I hope it isn't me. Well, if I post this, it'll have to be me. So, it's me. Damn.
That's all for now. I have to rest up for my incredibly boring day tomorrow. Nighty night!
Monday, January 12, 2004
THE EYES OF TEXAS WILL BE UPON ME...BUNCH OF PERVERTS
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
Once again, I'm heading off to Houston for a training class. That's where we oilheads go when we need to pump up the old lobes with more info, as we never say. I'll be gone until Friday night. I will attempt to commandeer a PC at some location or another and report on my trek to the Lone Gunman State as it is occurring.
ONE GAME AWAY TIMES TWO
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Despite my efforts, the Pats and Eagles remain on a collision course.
Of course, with this post, I just made it that much more difficult. Colts and Panthers fans, I'm doing my best. Don't blame me.
Friday, January 09, 2004
NOW WE KNOW
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
HAIR-BRAINED
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
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