SPLIT-CINNATI

We managed to fly safely on Friday the 13th, debunking that myth for the time being, which really wasn't much of an accomplishment, when you think about it. The only way the myth could have been upheld was if every airplane aloft that day came plummeting down in a fireball, in which case I doubt the airline would let us get on board in the first place, seeing as how our flight was at 4 PM. They're not too bright, but even they would have caught on by then.

The day worked out OK for the Phils as well, who pounded the Reds 12-2 behind the increasingly impressive pitching of Brett Myers. Of course, I was stuck either in a plane or an airport all evening, so I missed it. The Reds took game 1 on Thursday while I was sitting in Minute Maid Park (more on that in a bit) watching the out-of-town scoreboard. Lieber uncharacteristically collapsed in that one. On Saturday, Ryan Madson retired only one batter in relief of Randy Wolf, blowing a 4-2 lead in epic fashion as the Reds scampered to a 12-4 decision. On Sunday, Vicente Padilla, finally done with Spring Training, won his first game by a 4-3 score, although Billy Wagner did his best to lose it for him.

On to my Minute Maid Experience. I traveled from the Kingwood area of Houston with my brother-in-law, my nephew, and my nephew's college friend down to the park, where we met my niece. My niece actually kept score of the game (she's 23, single, and very attractive, guys. Inquiries can be left in the comments section). I have to admit, I got caught up in the atmosphere of a Houston baseball crowd and sat down in my seat along the third base line after the first pitch. I couldn't help myself. At least I didn't get up, go get a beer, sit down, get up, go to the bathroom, sit down, get up, go get an ice cream, etc. like most of the other 29,000 fans. Jeez. It was like a damn conga line up and down the aisles. I must have missed about 30 pitches waiting for someone to get out of the way. After I finally did sit down, the Giants scratched out a run on an infield hit, an error by 3B Morgan Ensberg, a fielder's choice, and a sacrifice fly. Craig Biggio answered right back in the bottom of the first with a towering home run to left center, and Ensberg hit one in almost the exact same spot two batters later. So far, so good for the normally anemic 'Stros.

Andy Pettitte was not very sharp early though, and he quickly gave up the tying run on a Deivi Cruz double and a Mike Matheny single. Matheny was a real pest all night, which is pathetic considering he's not even as much of an offensive threat as Houston backstop Brad Ausmus, which is really saying something. The game stayed tied until the fifth, when Biggio hit a routine pop fly into the Crawford Boxes in left for his second round-tripper of the night. I mean, this thing had no chance in any other park, including Fenway. Moises Alou puts this ball in his back pocket in Wrigley, assuming Steve Bartman stays home. Oh well, c'est la stade.

The Astros paid for their good fortune in the top of the sixth. Pettitte loaded the bases on two walks and a single for Matheny, who hit a humpbacked liner into left that a hobbling Lance Berkman, just off the DL, made a late break on. Berkman not only couldn't reach the ball, but he bobbled it, allowing the go-ahead run to score as well. The Astros never scored again, blowing their best chance in the 8th when Phil Garner curiously sent both runners from first and second on a 3-2 pitch with one out and Jose Vizcaino up. Viz either missed the sign or had a brain cramp, as he took a called third strike. Matheny, with the left-handed hitting Vizcaino up and a clear view of third base, nailed Jason Lane, a slow runner, by five feet at third to complete the double play. It was the kind of aggressive base-running play Garner was brought in to execute, but he picked the exact wrong time to try it. Vizcaino has to at least swing at that pitch, though. That was the most inexcusable part of the whole endeavor. To their credit, the Astros fans actually booed, although I'm not entirely sure they knew who they were booing at.

The Giants tacked on a couple of more runs in the 9th on a Tal's Hill double by Ray Durham, an Omar Vizquel single, a sac bunt, and yet another Ensberg error. Someone named Tyler Walker closed it out 1-2-3 in the bottom of the 9th for San Francisco, and it was back on the 59 Highway for us. Getting back on the freeway wasn't hard, since most of the rest of the "fans" had left after the 8th inning botched double steal.

Minute Maid is as clean and beautiful as I remember it. After years of enduring the Astrodome, it's the one aspect of moving north I really regret. I'm not sure when it started, but after the traditional "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the seventh inning stretch, the PA plays "Deep In The Heart Of Texas", complete with lyrics on the Jumbotron, and the fans eat it up. It's pretty damn cool, I must say, at least for someone who lived in Houston for six years and whose wife grew up there. "The sage in bloom, smells like perfume, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP Deep in the Heart of Teh-ex-as!" The Phillies aren't ever going to come up with anything to compare, I'm afraid.

I was disappointed that they didn't close the roof, which is an engineering feat to behold. They usually start slowly and silently bringing it forward in about the 6th inning, and the other two times I was there, it took me until about the 7th to notice. After that, I ignored it for awhile and went back to watching the game. Then, suddenly, it's closed, and what was a lovely skyline view a few innings earlier is a bunch of glass panels. It's kind of jarring, like, when did I go indoors? Still, I would have liked to have seen it again, just to satisfy the geek in me.

Off day today. We're 7 games back of the Braves, 5.5 out of the wild-card. "The S-L-G, stinks might-i-ly BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO! Deep in the Heart of Phil-ly"

HOUSTON, WE HAVE AN ANNOYING CLICHE

I don't have much to say, just a quick note that I'm in beautiful Houston, Texas on a business trip, and the Phillies are still foundering. I caught the end of the Sunday game, which the Phillies lost 3-2 to the Cubs, at my sister- and brother-in-law's house. They are all avid Astros fans, and are even more melancholy than I am about now. I saw most of the Monday 4-2 win over the Brewers on our laptop via MLB.TV. One of these days I'll have to give a complete review of that service, which is fantastic. I completely missed yesterday's and today's epic bullpen collapses. I think the less said, the better. The one good thing I've noticed is that Bob Abreu is volcanically hot now that we're well into May. Aside from that, all is pretty morose in Phan-ville.

Well, I have to run and eat more on the company dole. I probably won't be checking in again until I get home. At that time I'll regale you with tales of my excursion to Minute Maid Park to watch the Astros play the Barry-less Giants.

WESTWARD, OH NO

Of course, we lost. J-Roll made it interesting with a three-run homer in the top of the ninth (sorry about that "hits like Lauryn Hill" thing, Jimmy), but Pat struck out again with the tying run on base against Looper, as he did in game three. We're now a very ugly 12-17 as we escape the East for the Central like Steve McQueen tunneling out against the Nazis.

The Cubs are reeling right now, having lost Kerry Wood for at least two months, Nomar possibly for the season, and with many of their other hitters slumping. Unfortunately, we get their best pitcher, Mark Prior, this afternoon, although he's been scuffling a bit as well with minor ailments. We're countering with Lidle, who could be a few wind-blown homers waiting to happen. Corey has been eating innings, though, and keeping the ball around the plate at least. The weekend games have Lieber facing lefty Glendon Rusch and Myers facing Carlos (Don't Call Me Victor) Zambrano. We have to win those last two if not all three to have any hope of getting back in this race by June. Then we head off to face streaking Milwaukee, who has taken over second place in the Central. I wrote it earlier in the year and I stand by it: it's good to be Bud-free.

I stayed up and watched "Breaking Away" for the 348th time last night. It's definitely in the Pantheon, right up there with "All The President's Men", and the movie that gave this place its name, "Real Genius". The Phillies are looking like Mike after he bonks his head in the quarry swimming against the IU kid: bloody and sinking fast. We still have over two-thirds of the movie to go though.

BLOG ON THE FLY

Something different today: I'm going to jot down my immediate, visceral reactions to the Phillies lousy play as it happens! I have the ESPN Gamecast going as I write this. Looks like Padilla struggled in the second, giving up a couple of doubles and two runs, although the Mets ran themselves out of a bigger inning when David Wright was thrown at the plate by J-Roll. Jimmy then got one back with a walk, steal of second, steal of third, and a wild pitch by Kris Benson. Well, at least we can run, if not hit.

TOP FIFTH
Pratt bounces out. Padilla gets a rare hit. Jimmy singles him to second. Come on Chaser! Three-and-oh to Utley. Take a strike, Chase, Bobby's on deck. OK, 3-1. Walked him. Bases juiced for Abreu. Just noticed: how could they sit Floyd for this game? He popped it up...dammit. Ok, Pat, it's on you. You love this place. Now is the time. It hit him! Tied up at 2-2. That'll do it for Benson. He'll hit the showers, along with three hookers the grounds crew planted so that Anna Benson will make good on her pledge to have sex with the whole team, including the grounds crew, if Kris cheats on her. Aaron Heilman comes in.

Ok, Bell is in there. He and his whopping .216 average. Comebacker. Nice job, Dave. Well, we tied it up, anyway.

BOTTOM FIFTH
Beltran in against Vicente. Ground out to Big Ryan. That'll bring up Piazza. Base hit up the middle. Pizza-boy is a hitting machine. Mike Cameron steps in. Again, where the heck is Yukon Cornelius? Maybe he's hurt. I'll have to research that. Doh! Double by Cameron, Piazza to third. Way to keep the momentum going, Padilla. Minky is walked to load the bases for D-Wright. We need a DP grounder bad here. Nope. Another double! Two runs are in, it's 4-2, Minky heads to third. Ok, Charlie, I think the Flotilla is taking on water. Diaz is walked to load them again. Hey it worked once. Heilman the pitcher is due up. I guess they'll bat him now that he has a lead. Ryan Madson comes on to try to stanch the hemorrhaging. Polanco replaces Bell for the double switch.

Heilman is taking his hacks. Heilman is caught browsing. Nice job, Ryan. That'll bring up Reyes, bases still loaded. Good morning, good afternoon, good night. Struck him out. Madson is clutch as usual. Ok, not too terrible, only two runs. At least Padilla actually made it out of the fourth today. Maybe by July he can pitch long enough to get a win.

TOP SIXTH
Big Ryan up. Big K. Marlon Byrd makes an appearance. He even has a hit already. And another! Marlon heads for second on Cameron's error. Pratt's up. Pratt K's. Polanco, hitting in the ninth spot, tries to get a big two-out hit. Not happening. Bouncer to third. Still 4-2.

BOTTOM SIXTH
The blogger repairs to the facilities...Kaz bounces out. Beltran out swinging. Pizza-boy gets another hit. Cameron hits into an FC. The score remains 4-2.

TOP SEVENTH
I wonder if Heilman will stay in, or if they have a setup guy they like to use. I guess it's Heilman. J-Roll leads off. Is it me, or is J-Roll a dead ringer for Lauryn Hill? Hits like her too. One out, on strikes. The Chaser is up. Ground out to 1B. Now Abreu. K me. So, so quiet. Stretch time!

BOTTOM SEVENTH
Minky grounds to second. D-Wright K's. Diaz bounces to third. Madson mows them down again. Let's get some runs!

TOP EIGHTH
Pat The Bat starts us off. Heilman still dealing. Burrell out on strikes. The pitcher's spot is due up. Offerman will pinch hit. Jose is aboard with a bases on balls. It's about time somebody got on. Ryan is up. Now's the time, rookie. Double play. That's not what I meant. Still 4-2, and time is rapidly running out. Looper is probably getting warm.

But I'm serious, J-Roll and Lauryn Hill could be related...



BOTTOM EIGHTH
Tim Worrell? Oh no. That lead will soon get bigger. Marlon Anderson leads off, base hit. Reyes up. Sac bunt, Anderson to second. Kaz is the hitter. Grounds to second, moving Anderson to third. Any other reliever gets out of this, but Worrell will find a way to allow that runner to score. Beltran is up. He walks on four straight. Piazza must be salivating. He's already 3-4. And there it goes! Three-run blast. 7-2. Drive safely folks. Thanks, Timmy. Have a nice life pumping gas or selling real estate. Cameron doubles for the exclamation point. Come on Minky, put us out of our misery. He popped up to second. God, we suck.

Well, I gotta run, kids. I'll add a post-mortem tomorrow, and a preview of the Cubs series, if I really feel depressed.

SO CLOSE, YET SEO FAR

Remember what I said about Brad Wilkerson? It goes double for Cornelius "Cliff" Floyd. Now there's a name I can ridicule. COR-NEEEEELL-YUSSSS!!! God, I hate that guy. He continued to kill us in every way possible last night, hitting another monster homer and robbing J-Mike of a tater, which ended up being the difference in the game. And who the hell is Jae Seo? The Mets are on the verge of sending this guy down to Norfolk, and he throws eight shutout innings. Unfathomable.

The game started out well enough. Wolfie looked pretty good until I left the game in the top of the third, otherwise detained. Soon after I stopped listening, Victor "only hits against us" Diaz homered. Yukon Cornelius singled in a run in the third, and then hit his ninth homer, seemingly his ninth off Phillies pitching this year, in the fifth to make it 3-0. Meanwhile, Seo was meeting little resistance. I know Thome and Lofton are out, but geez, guys, can't anybody here play this game? They managed a David Bell single and two Bobby Abreu walks until I picked the game back up in the top of the ninth. Braden Looper came on to close, and he's had a shaky history against the Phillies, blowing several games last season. Rollins was retired quickly, but the Chaser worked the count to 3-2 on a few close pitches the Mets fans were hollering about. Finally, Looper grooved one, and Utley clobbered it over Diaz for a home run to right. OK, that's one. Bobby followed with a blast on a 1-2 pitch to almost the same location to make it 3-2. Yes! Comeback! Looper is toast! Not so fast, little one. Burrell took a called third strike, and J-Mike was completely overmatched, going down on four pitches. Fuck me. Hello 12-16.

This afternoon's tilt doesn't look any more promising. Vicente Padilla, still in Spring Training mode, goes for the Phils against Kris Benson, who was just activated off the DL. Guess who made room for him? That's right, Mr. Expendable, Jae Seo, who the Phillies hitters just treated like he had the Marburg virus. Thank goodness we're getting out of this division after today and heading to the increasingly Friendly Confines, although we'll probably make the Cubs look good the way we're going. Marburg, anyone?

TRANSITION GAME

I actually sat down and tried to watch this game from the beginning. Pat Burrell rewarded me with a three-run dinger off Tom Glavine in the first inning. Glavine just isn't getting the corners any more. I'm not sure if it is QuesTec, or Sandy Alderson and his new union-busted umpires getting back at him for being such a big union guy, but that pitch five inches off the plate that used to be rung up with regularity is nearly always called a ball now. Bobby Abreu took advantage of a couple of Glavine-former-strikes to work out a walk ahead of Pat, and he later singled in a pair of runs in the second inning to make it 5-0.

As we've all heard, Jim Thome and Kenny Lofton (big surprise) are on the 15-day disabled list. The Phils called up Ryan Howard and Marlon Byrd from S/WB to fill their spots. Howard was in uniform for the game last night but did not start, because of the lefty Glavine. In my opinion, this can only help in the short term. Thome was slumping badly, probably because of his back injury, and Howard's bat should be an improvement. Byrd and Michaels probably won't be much different than Lofton and Michaels, especially if they just give Michaels the centerfield job full time. He's earned it.

The Phils tacked on three more in the fourth. Abreu drove in two runs with another single and scored the third one on a David Bell single. I hope Bobby's out of his reality-TV-induced funk. Glavine couldn't make it out of that fourth inning, and the rout was on. Cliff Floyd hit another huge home run in the bottom of the fourth to make it 8-1, but the Mets never threatened. The final was 10-3. Tim Worrell managed to raise his ERA to 8.10 by giving up a run in the ninth. He and The Thing need to seriously consider another line of work. If only Wade had the wherewithal to find better alternatives.

Now, I tried to watch this game, but Comcast refused to let me. Since the Sixers were busy getting pantsed by the Pistons, Sportsnet wasn't carrying the Phillies game and Comcast instead had switched it to CN8, their penny-ante news channel. I have the High-Def DVR box on my downstairs TV, and CN8 was working fine there. I decided to catch the end of the game in bed, and upstairs, we just have the usual Low-Def Digital cable box. No CN8. No UPN either, which, coincidentally is the other Phillies station but had nothing to do with the Phillies last night. Weird. I rebooted the cable box, but that didn't help. With the score 8-1 at that point, I was hoping to enjoy a nice leisurely blowout of the Mets, but since the game was in hand, I decided to watch the end of the Kevin Spacey/Danny DeVito film "The Big Kahuna". If it had been close, I would have stayed downstairs. Really, I would have.

Wolfie takes on Jae Seo tonight at Shea. Wolfie pitched great against the Mets earlier this season, taking a shutout into the ninth. The Marlins and Braves have given him plenty of trouble, but that's to be expected. The Phillies are still four and a half behind Florida, who pounded Atlanta last night. Still plenty of time. Go Big Ryan!

CAN'T TRUST THAT DAY

Golf: no. Great pitcher's duel at Shea: yes, after I went to bed. Terry Adams getting his pink slip: I hope so.

Obviously, I missed the whole thing. It started raining as I left work, and it was far too cold and windy anyway to hit the little white ball. The game was on Rain Delay (a gripping Fran Healy interview with the immortal...Gary Sheffield?) until I packed it in at 9 PM, ailing from pollen overload. It looks like Lieber left after six innings with the score tied 1-1. Manuel called on the only righty he had left after yesterday who could pitch middle relief, The Thing, Terry Adams. As many other Phillies bloggers have wondered, why does Ed Wade keep giving guys like this second and third chances? He bombed out in Boston, failing to make their playoff roster, but now somehow he's good enough for the Phillies. Well, good enough for Carlos Beltran to smack a three-run shot to deep right off of him. Nice job in talent evaluation, boys. The Phillies never recovered, and lost 5-1.

Tonight it's Brett Myers vs. Tom Glavine. If we're lucky, Glavine will be too concerned with Bud Selig's latest steroids plan to concentrate on the game.

Welcome to the world my new grand niece, Anna Michelle (photos not immediately available)! Thank goodness you're a Red Sox fan.

BECKETT PLAY

The Phillies were not waiting for anything against Josh Beckett yesterday, certainly not me. By the time I tuned in, in the car on the way to the driving range after listening to Harry Shearer's "Le Show", the Phils were ahead 5-0. Bobby Abreu, who we'll discuss later, hit a three-run shot before Beckett had retired a batter, and super subs Tomas Perez and Todd Pratt added RBI singles. The Marlins made a game of it while I was warming up with my second-hand "Senior" Calloway driver (if the driver fits...) at the Ed "Porky" Oliver Golf Course. Now, if a guy raises to the level of having a golf course named after him, wouldn't his family insist that the "Porky" part be left off? This once again illustrates that Delaware is a southern state, or at least something "other" than Pennsylvania or New Jersey. Oh yeah, baseball. The Fish drew to within 5-3 in the third on an Alex Gonzalez homer (he now has one more than Bobby again) and a Carlos Delgado sac fly of the D Train, who had gone into pinch hit for Beckett and singled.

Two was as close as Florida would get today, though. Lidle was fairly sharp, not overpowering but generally in command, with no walks and 5 K's. Ryan Madson bailed him out of a sixth inning jam and pitched a prefect seventh before giving way to the rapidly declining Tim Worrell. Those two may be flip-flopping roles very soon, or at least should be. Worrell only managed to get one out while leaving the tying runs on for Daddy Wags, who was once again forced to try for a save of more than three outs due to Timmy's ineffectiveness. Not to worry, at least not yet. Wags arrived to the usual strains of "Enter Sandman", and immediately induced Mike Lowell to bounce into an inning-ending DP. Billy mowed 'em down 1-2-3 in the ninth for an 8-6 final and his sixth save, and has yet to allow an earned run. We'd be in deep shit without him, to put it bluntly.

Meanwhile, this morning, I read a possible explanation for Bobby's horrid (only 1 HR) April: his former Miss Universe fiance was caught fooling around with some guy on a Venezuelan reality TV show. He's managed to avoid the press in Philly, where the fans couldn't find Venezuela on a map if you spotted them the continent, but he's expecting a crush of media when the Phils head to New York today. Apparently, it's huge news in Latin America, where Abreu is something of a superstar. He should be a superstar here, but he has doggedly refused to improve his English, and his easy-going style translates to lackadaisicalness with the overheated knuckleheads who have WIP on speed dial. Bobby is a great, great player, and I hope he manages to put this behind him. Plus, I need him to get hot for my Strat team next year.

Two aces go tonight at Shea: Lieber vs. Pedro. The weather looks good for golf, too. Not bad for a Monday.

RAIN, MAN

We went to the Blue Rocks game with the sky still looking threatening and a few drops of drizzle coming down. We figured we'd either see a game, or at least pick up our rain checks at the Will Call window. Surprisingly, the parking lot was jammed, and we picked up our tickets and sat down in our box seats along the third base line. It started pouring worse than ever right about at game time. A grade school marching band played the anthem while I ran out to the car to grab the free Blue Rocks umbrellas we got last year. The grounds crew was putting the tarp down as I got back, and we sat desultorily for about a half hour under the umbrellas. Finally, the rain abated, they pulled off the tarp, and it was time to play ball.

That lasted about one half-inning. After the Winston-Salem pitcher completed his warmups in the bottom of the first, the rain started up in earnest again, and the umps called everyone in after Rocks shortstop Iggy Suarez hit a groundout. We sat for a few more minutes listening to rain-themed pop songs blaring from the loudspeaker, and then went home.

The Phillies fared a little better, or worse, I suppose. They started on time, and got a few innings in before their first rain delay. The bottom of the Marlins order conspired for two runs in the second on a LoDuca walk, a Lowell double, and a Gonzalez 2-run single. We got one back in the fourth when Gonzalez blew a double-play ball by Thome, allowing Burrell to take third. Lieby then bounced into a fielder's choice to score Pat. Then some more rain.

They played the fifth, and were delayed again, and by then it was 10 PM, so I went to bed. Apparently they also played the sixth before finally deciding to call it at 2-1. Another loss. So, like the little league team we are, we lose in six innings. I hope they got some ice cream.

Today's matchup as we try to avoid the sweep is their ace, Josh Beckett vs. our number four, Cory Lidle. Lidle's been OK this year, and Beckett, though often overpowering, doesn't win as often as you would think. I'll be out hitting golf balls getting ready for the golf season, which starts tomorrow in our work league. I'll catch as much as I can on the car radio. We need this one bad. Six games out on May 1st is a lot worse than four games out on May 1st. Ok, both are terrible, but you have to have some hope.

ERASERHEAD

Sometimes I wish I could erase all the memories I have of the Phillies, or at least go back in time and change my rooting destiny. Tonight was one of those nights. After I got home from work, my wife and I watched "Peggy Sue Got Married" on one of the outer Cinemax channels. We watch old movies on cable quite a bit, or at least I do. If "All The President's Men" is on, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, enraptured.

Back to the game. Right after Kathleen Turner woke up in her hospital bed still married to Nic Cage, we went out for pizza and ice cream (I think they call that the Bruce Froemming Diet), and I missed the top of the first. Wolfie had his usual lack of success against the Marlins, giving up a homer to journeyman infielder Damion Easley, and then a two-run shot to Juan Encarnacion. On the radio on the way home from the ice cream place, I heard my man Miguel Cabrera launch an upper-decker off Wolf to give the Makaira nigricans a 4-0 advantage. Resigned to another wasted evening, I watched my backlog of DVR shows, hoping the Phils would stage a comeback, but it was 5-1 when I checked back in. The Marlins added another run to make it 6-1 before my other man, the Chaser, hit a dinger to bring the Phillies within 6-2.

About that time, "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" started up on Cinemax. I'd been waiting for a while to see this flick, nearly buying it on Pay-Per-View a few times. This is the film where Jim Carrey signs up with a company to completely erase all the memories of his girlfriend, played by Kate Winslet. Like I mentioned earlier, what happened in the eighth and ninth innings made me wistful for such a procedure. Philadelphia drew to within two when Jim Thome hit a laser beam over Juan Pierre in center with the bases loaded to score Michaels and Rollins. That put runners on second and third with only one out. Pat Burrell, still nursing his leg injury but in the lineup, couldn't make contact, and whiffed, leaving it up to the Chaser. Trader Jack McKeon smartly walked Utley and brought in former Phillie Todd Jones to face the far less dangerous David Bell. Jones wasn't worth a damn when he was with us, but he managed to get Bell on a meek pop-up to center to snuff out the rally.

Then came the ninth. Lieby actually got a hit, and with one out, Rollins smacked what should have been a sure double down the first base line. Lieberthal had to hold up at first to make sure Carlos Delgado didn't catch the liner, and then ran with his usual sloth toward third. Meanwhile, Rollins hesitated rounding first as Lieby hauled his burgeoning girth around second, not sure if he could make it. Once Rollins saw that Lieby was going to be safe at third, he finally sped up and headed toward second. Damion Easley took the cut off from Encarnacion, whirled around and saw that Rollins was nowhere close to second, and fired to Gonzalez covering to nail him. NO! Two outs. Why isn't somebody with functioning legs running for Lieberthal there? We've still got Pratty on the bench to come in and catch. Actually, it looks like we were out of players. Ok, why are we out of players in the ninth inning? I think Manuel just blew that one. In any case, Polanco came up next and walked, bringing the winning run to the plate in Bobby Abreu. For some reason, McKeon left Jones in there, even though Guillermo Mota is their closer. Bobby took a strike, fouled off another, took a ball, and then went down swinging. Ball game. We lose to the Marlins again.

You can't really say we blew that one. 6-4 is not exactly the score of a game you let get away. Still, we could have won with some better managing decisions, better baserunning, and certainly, better pitching from Wolfie. Tonight it's the D Train against (oh no) Padilla. I think I'll be wanting to forget tonight's game, too. So, where do I sign up for that memory erasing thing?

NO BALL TODAY

I spent my evening away from baseball at Quest For Tech, where I secured two tickets to a Wilmington Blue Rocks game this Saturday via their DSL connection. The person to whom we give out this computer will probably be very confused as to how www.bluerocks.com got into their Internet Explorer history. One of the founders also had me look up ticket availability for a QFT outing later in the year to Citizens Bank Park. This will probably be the only time I go this year, since my wife, being a genteel Southern lady, hates Philly fans. She does like the QFT people, though, and even volunteers with me. She likes going to Blue Rocks games as well, since Delaware people are almost Southern, for all intents and purposes, and behave far better than the puerile denizens of Broad and Pattison.

I'm also looking forward to my first MLB game of the year in two weeks at Don't Call It Enron Field in Houston, where the Astros will take on the Giants, sans Barry. My wife and I are heading to Houston, me on business and she visiting family. I've been to D.C.I.E. Field twice before. The concourses are huge and spotless, and the grass is a noticeably bright green compared to the old Astrodome, but the fans are the same old transplant idiots who can't show up on time, can't stay in their seats for more than an inning and can only cheer when the scoreboard tells them to. Still, it's a pretty park, and I can't wait to see a real major league game again. My next foray into the majors will be at, of all places, Oakland Coliseum, scene of the '73 Mets' final curtain. My wife and I have booked a vacation to the Bay Area for late June/early July, and a ball game was my only prerequisite. The Athletics will face the Mariners in what should be, if nothing else, an intra-divisional game if not a heated rivalry. Plus, I'll get to see the traveling circus freak act that is Ichiro, or "Ichiro!", as Baseball Prospectus calls him. Aside from these two games and the QFT outing to Citizens, I'm hoping to get down to RFK for at least one game this year. They sell killer french fries at the concession stands there, and there are no bad seats in that venerable old dump.

A day off for Baseball Dreaming. Ain't it great?

TOP TEN REJECTED GEORGE W. BUSH NEW ENERGY PLAN IDEAS

10. Build refineries on the site of crumbling inner-city schools
    
9. Home nuclear kits
   
8. All-coal-powered Internet
   
7. Have Halliburton build a pipeline to the Sun
   
6. Encourage hillbillies to dig for oil, move to Beverly
   
5. Recover biodiesel from Tom DeLay's hair
   
4. Off-shore drilling wherever we don't have a vacation home or we aren't governor of
   
3. Build refineries on the site of polling places in the Blue States
   
2. Saudi America!
   
1. And the number one rejected George W. Bush new energy plan idea is:
   When driving your Hummer a half a block down the street to pick up a DVD for your monster new home entertainment system and to buy some ice cream to put in your new giant freezer and to buy some more refrigerant for your central air conditioner, consider also picking up some light bulbs for the three spare bedrooms in your new $600,000 house so you don't have to make two trips
   

SUN STROKE

"Thank you, Pierre L'Enfant!" is what Esteban Loaiza and Brett Myers should be saying this morning. The master planner of Washington D.C. layed out the National Mall and the Capitol Building in an West-to-East fashion, and left a perfect spot due east of the Capitol for RFK stadium. Of course, yesterday's starters should also thank the more recent architects of RFK itself, the calendar, the schedule maker, and the weatherman for conspiring to leave a bright patch of sunlight out behind the centerfield wall directly in line with home plate and the pitcher's mound for at least eight innings, making it nearly impossible to pick up a pitched ball. Home plate ump C.B. Bucknor's enormous strike zone didn't hurt either. It was all goose eggs, and a whole lot of called third strikes, yesterday afternoon as the Phils and Nats wrapped up their three game set. I didn't tune in until I was making a chicken run to KFC after coming home from work and then going to the gym. I'm not even going to try to explain why I work out regularly and then eat fast food, because I couldn't if I wanted to.

Anyway, I didn't miss a lot of offense. J-Mike had a couple of singles, and Myers gave up a couple of safeties, but nothing of any importance occurred until the top of the ninth. By then, I had settled down in front of my 30" High Definition screen, drunk on Extra Crispy. Up stepped J-Roll against a tiring Esteban Loaiza, who had struck out a career-high 11, thanks in part to Bucknor, who was starting to raise his hand about the time Loaiza was starting his windup. I don't think he could see the ball either. Jimmy worked the count to 2 and 1 before Loaiza hung a cutter on the inside corner, fat as Bruce Froemming (speaking of umpires). By that point, the shadows had covered just a fraction of the batter's eye, making the ball look extra juicy to Rollins, and he didn't miss, depositing it in the Phillies bullpen for a 1-0 lead. Kenny Lofton followed with a single, and then Frank Robinson brought in lefty Joey Eischen to face Abreu, who singled to right to send Lofton to third. Thome then hit a sharp grounder to first, where BRAAA-AAADDD Wilkerson was filling in, and he caught Lofton straying too far off third for the first out. Damn. With the batter's eye rapidly darkening, and Wags-killer Vinny Castilla due up, we needed more runs. Eischen was still pitching, so Charlie Manuel sent David Bell in to pinch hit for Chase Utley, which forced Robbie to counter with righty Luis Ayala. Bell came through, hitting a broken bat single over third, which Abreu read beautifully to enable himself to score from second with a crucial insurance run. After J-Mike popped out to center, Polanco put the game on ice with a lined single to center, scoring Thome for a 3-0 advantage. Daddy Wags came on for a K-K-flyout ninth, getting his nemesis Castilla for the final out and his fifth save.

All in all, it was a good series, capped by an exciting win in the rubber match. We're back at CBP after an off day for three with the first-place Marlins, and then head to Shea for a three game set before finally getting outside of our piranha-tank-like division for a while. We still sit alone in last place, but only three games back of the Marlins, who could very easily have put us in a hole the size of Tom DeLay's ethical problems if they had hit more. Myers looked good today, although Gavin Floyd could have looked like Curt Schilling in today's conditions. We need to take two of three at home against the Fish. Any worse, and last place could start getting comfortable.

BAD BRAD

I hate Brad Wilkerson. He's getting to be right up there with Chipper. Too bad he doesn't have a juvenile nickname so I could taunt him by yelling out his real name in an elongated fashion. "BRAAA--AAADDDD" just doesn't work.

Yes, the Phillies lost to the Nationals last night, 3-1. One lousy run! It was scored before I started watching, by Placido Polanco on a Thome single, in the first. Bud's boys got the run right back in the bottom of the first, of course, when Larry Bowa's nephew Nick Johnson hit a solo jack. Bowa will be haunting us all year that way, I think. Lieber and John Patterson settled down after that, until BRAAAA--AAADDD hit a two run shot in the fifth to put the game hopelessly out of reach for these impotent Phillie bats. The Phillies had two on with one out in the 8th, but Mike Lieberthal continued his sucktastic ways by grounding into a 4-6-3 double play. God are we terrible. Start hitting, you losers! We're now at .252/.340/.369 as a team. A .369 team slugging percentage? Just terrible. We're being outhomered by double, not to mention out-doubled and out-tripled. If it wasn't for the league-leading 90 walks, we'd be 6 or 8 games out at least. Actually, that last stat is encouraging. You don't tend to suddenly stop drawing walks, but it's a lot easier to stop hitting extra base hits. If we can start hitting for power, which we've done in the past, and keep up the plate discipline, the wins should follow. Soon, I hope.

It's a 4:35 PM start in DC this afternoon. Myers is taking on former Yankee washout Esteban Loaiza. This is as good a time as any to get the bats going before we head home.

OUT OF LEFT FIELD

Maybe we should play with 22 guys every night. Due to minor injuries to Pat Burrell and Kenny Lofton, Charlie Manuel was forced to play career infielder Placido Polanco in left field for last night's game against the Nationals. Ryan Madson was also unavailable due to the three innings he pitched on Sunday. None of this seemed to matter, as the Phils prevailed 5-4 in a game that was much closer than it should have been.

The Phillies took an early lead in the second. Jason Michaels drew a one-out walk, and then the Chaser singled him to third. Bell bounced an easy double play ball to Vinnie Castilla, who relayed to Jose Vidro at short. The Chaser had other ideas, though, and took Vidro out with a textbook double-play exploding slide, forcing Vidro to throw the ball into the Nationals dugout. That scored Michaels and put Bell on second. Cory Lidle then helped his own cause (isn't everyone on the team helping their own cause on every play? What, are some of them trying to lose? Don't answer that.) with an RBI single to plate Bell to make it 2-0. You've got to love the Chaser. He's a dead duck on an inning-ending double play, and he ends up causing two runs to score. That was pretty.

Utley came through again in the third, smacking a one-out bases-loaded hit to score Abreu. Unfortunately, Thome was clogging up the bases behind Bobby and had to stop at third, and then Bell and Lieberthal went down easily to kill the threat. Montreal South got on the board in the bottom of the inning when Brad Wilkerson, who just kills us, hit yet another extra base hit, a ground-rule double, to score Christian Guzman.

The game stayed that way until the sixth. The Chaser started it off with a walk, and moved to second on a Guzman error, which would eventually turn out to cost the Nats the game. After Lieberthal lined out (God he sucks this year), Lidle bunted the runners over, and Jimmy Rollins was intentionally walked. That brought up emergency left fielder Polanco, who ripped a big two-out single to score the Chaser and Bell to make it 5-1. The Nats-pos tacked on a couple more in the bottom of the sixth on an unlikely two-out triple by catcher Brian Schneider. Lidle hung a ball on the inside part of the plate when the entire outfield was playing Schneider away, and he managed to hit a liner all the way to the fence in right center, scoring two.

Despite that bad pitch, Lidle looked good last night. He gave up eight hits and a walk, and three runs, but almost everything was down in the strike zone. If he can maintain that level of performance, the Phils have a shot to stay competitive. Cormier came in and pitched an uneventful seventh, and then Worrell once again attempted to set-up Billy Wagner, with middling results. Vidro hit a ball to deep right that Abreu should have caught, but he got all turned around, lost track of the wall, and made a feeble leap at the last second and missed it for a triple. Jose Guillen immediately sac-flied him in to make it 5-4, and after Worrell got Vinny "Fastballs R Me" Castilla, Manuel brought in Daddy Wags for a four-out save. Wags got pinch hitter Gary Bennett and the first two batters in the ninth before Brad Wilkerson made us all nervous again with another hit. Nick Johnson battled Wagner hard, taking the count to 3-2 and fouling off a few pitches before he also singled, sending Wilkerson to third. Uh-oh. The 18,000 or so (sans Tim Russert) at RFK were stomping their feet, bouncing the lower deck up and down as best they could, as Jose Vidro stepped up. Vidro apparently failed Drama class, though, swinging at the first pitch and lofting an easy fly to Jason Michaels, who had replaced Polanco in left field. Game over, and did we ever need that one.

I guess Placido will be patrolling left again tonight. He looked OK, better than Ryan Howard anyway. He fielded everything hit to him, none of which were more difficult than the average batting practice shagged fly. Comcast named Polanco the player of the game for driving in the last two runs and for not getting himself killed in the outfield, I suppose. I don't know you can overlook Utley for that honor. He almost single-handedly caused the first two runs to score with a classic take-out slide, drove in the third run, and scored the fourth run, plus was flawless in the field. I think the Chaser is making his move to be my new favorite Phillie. It's always been Abreu, because he's on my Strat team and he can do everything, but I love the way Utley plays.

Tonight we're back at RFK, with the ace, Jon Lieber going for his fifth win against John Patterson, who just two-hit the Braves for seven innings in his last start and four-hit the D'Backs for seven before that. Another win would get us back to within a game of .500, and with a sweep we can get to the break-even point before having to face the awesome Marlins pitching staff again. Let's hope we have full roster by then. Or maybe not.

GOING PLACES

You know those incredibly annoying black and white oval stickers that people who own gigundo SUV's put on their rear window to show all the exciting places they've been? Well, not all of us are able to travel so much, so I've come up with a set of oval stickers for the rest of us. Click here, here, here, and here and collect all four!

BOSSED WEEKEND

What has it been, Wednesday since I posted? Seems like a month. I've spent most of the last four days installing chair rail and crown moulding in our formal dining room with the assistance, for the most part, of my lovely wife, for whom this project has been seemingly a life-long dream. Boy, have I learned a lot! Mainly, I've learned that I never want to install chair rail and crown moulding ever again, and that I should keep that feeling to myself.

The Phils, meanwhile, have been stinking up the joint while I've been making joints. Chair rail and crown moulding joints, I mean. I could use the other kind about now. They actually started off my long weekend of home improvement hell with a win against the even sadder Rockies. Jim Thome finally hit a homer, and Jon Lieber, the only pitcher we've got other than maybe Myers and Billy Wags worth a damn so far, got his fourth straight win, 6-3.

Turner Field has never been particularly kind to the Phillies of late, and this recent three-game set was no exception. On Friday, the Phils got a first-inning run off Mike Hampton, but then gave it right back in the bottom of the first, and three more in the fourth. Brett Myers, who had heretofore been outstanding, looked like vintage Myers tonight, in this case meaning terrible. He was rushing his delivery and looking fidgety, as if everything he had picked up from ace Jon Lieber was left back in the Citizen's Bank Park bullpen. Hampton continued his dominance, going 8-2/3 until giving way to Danny Kolb for the final out to quell a minor Phillies rally. The Braves won 6-2, and the Phillies were below .500 for what may be a very long time.

The Braves pressed their advantage Saturday, roughing up Wolfie early for a five-run first and knocking him out after four full innings. Enter the spectre of Gavin Floyd, the latest Wade untouchable to suffer a dastardly fate. Floyd went walk, double, walk, single, fly out, single, walk, sac fly before being mercifully pulled and sent straight to Scranton/Wilkes Barre to sort things out. When the carnage ended, the Braves had a 10-1 lead on their way to an easy 11-1 win. Tim Hudson recorded his second win as a Brave, going six innings before turning it over to the back of the Braves bullpen.

This Floyd debacle shows how the Mind Of Ed Wade works. Any other GM faced with the dilemma of one too many starters would trade one of them to get a legitimate setup man or another middle reliever, but Wade wants to have it both ways. He wants to keep Floyd up with the big club, but not give him a rotation spot and pitch him in relief, which would be fine if he gave him a set role and stuck with it. But now that Floyd has been raked twice in a row in that role, he panics and ships him down to S/WB to "get in some starts". Make up your mind, Ed! Who cares if the kid gets bombed in a couple of blowouts? Keep at it. Give him a chance. Either that or trade Padilla or Lidle or Wolf for somebody you can actually use. One or the other, Ed. Now, we have Floyd pitching meaningless innings in northeastern PA, and Geoff Geary, who hasn't done squat in several chances, malingering in the pen. I just don't get it.

More of the same on Sunday. I veged out all afternoon, exhausted and with too many coping saw injuries to count, and completely missed this one. I'm glad I did. John Thomson, who took a break from churning out deck sealant, shut down the Phillies already anemic offense to the tune of 4-0. Padilla made it all the way to the fourth inning this time before giving way to Ryan Madson. Madson, Cormier, and Terry "The Thing" Adams actually pitched shutout ball for five innings, so that was encouraging. Nevertheless, this third straight loss drops the Phils to 8-11, three games back of Florida. Well, we have the same record as the Yankees, and you know they'll win the division. Oh yeah, they have good players. Almost forgot.

SUNKEN FLOTILLA

Ladies and Gentlemen, your candidates for Phillies #5 Starter!

V Padilla...3.0 IP, 8 H, 8 R, 8 ER, 1 BB, 3 SO, 5 HR
G Floyd.....3.0 IP, 6 H, 8 R, 8 ER, 3 BB, 1 SO, 2 HR

Yeesh. I hope Ross Perot decides to run again.

Well, that was a mess. I picked it up in the 2nd, with the Mets ahead 3-2. I suppose the fans at the park knew it was going to be a bad night when Jose Reyes led off the game with a homer. I missed the Phillies first opportunity to break the game open, or at least make it a somewhat fair fight. Jim Thome, who is now somewhere between "slow start" and "really bad month", and we hope not on the road to "career-ending collapse", bounced into a 4-6-3 DP with the bases loaded and nobody out to plate the Phils first run. The Mets re-took the lead in the top of the 2nd with another homer, this time by Victor Diaz, whoever he is. Chase Utley made it 3-2 with a homer of his own in the bottom of the 2nd, but then the Phillies stranded the bases loaded when Bob Abreu hit a comebacker to lucky Mets starting pitcher Victor Zambrano to end the inning.

Then the flood gates opened. I especially enjoyed Padilla's sequence of batters with two out in the 4th: Piazza, homer; Floyd, single; Mientkiewicz, homer; Wright, single; Diaz, homer. At least the fans were getting in some good practice hitting the cut-off man. The Mets ended with a team-record seven home runs. Seven! Murph would have been tickled pink. Final score, Mets 16, Phillies 4. Tomorrow is another day.

Next come the Rockies, who have been putting on exhibitions like the Phils did last night on a fairly regular basis. The team ERA sounds like a start time: 7.05. If Thome doesn't break out of it in these two games, he might never break out of it. Cory Lidle faces Jamey Wright, start time...7:05.

NOW PITCHING, LANDY WORF!

Lost in Translation was last night's theme. The film was airing for the first time, as far as I can figure, on the Encore channel last night, and the Mets were throwing Japanese import Kaz Ishii against the Phils. "Lost In Pronation" was more like it for poor Kaz (look it up).

I missed the first couple of innings fighting with my PC, which has developed a deep aversion to my iPod since Sunday night's power failure. By the time I tuned in, the Phils were up 2-0 on a couple of singles and walks in the first. Ishii walked a couple of more in the second before wriggling out of a jam, but laid up a cookie to Pat Burrell to start off the third, which Burrell took deep for his league-leading fifth homer. David Bell doubled in Jason Michaels later in the inning, and did it again in the fifth to extend the Phillies lead to 5-0.

Randy Wolf, meanwhile, was cruising, giving up singles but not much else. He had a shutout going through eight, with no walks and five K's. About the time Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansson's ear, though, the wheels came off. I guess Bill was telling Scarlett that Wolf was cooked. The Mets led off the ninth with singles by Jose Reyes, Kaz Matsui (Banzai!), and Carlos Beltran, ending the shutout bid and chasing Wolfie in favor of Tim Worrell and his 11.50 ERA. Worrell got Mike Piazza looking on a questionable low inside cutter, but Cliff Floyd hit a 3-0 fastball that will soon be added to the growing registry of space debris. 5-4. Uh-oh. A disheartening Phillies El-Pholdo was not to be, however, as Worrell summoned up a little professionalism and struck out David Wright and induced Doug Mientkiewicz to bounce out to second to pick up the "save".

The win puts the Fightins in a second-place tie with Florida and Atlanta, a game back of Washington, which got run over by the D-Train last night, and a game up on the Mets. I think it's going to be like this all year, except for the Nationals, who I believe are riding the crest of a wave that will collapse about mid-May, when they reel off a five-game losing streak and Bud starts contemplating closing the upper deck at RFK. It's the Mets again tonight, finishing off the two-game series, with Victor Zambrano facing newly activated Vicente Padilla. The Phils will hopefully send Pedro Leery-ano to S/WB and keep Gavin Floyd in the pen.

FUNNY, HE DOESN'T...

The Cardinals are locked in a room, selecting a new pope. Now, I figured Tony La Russa and Albert Pujols were Catholic, but David Eckstein?

Oh. Wrong Cardinals.

HOCKEY NIGHT IN PHILADELPHIA

The AHL proved to be a lot more bloody than I imagined last night. The Philadelphia Phantoms and Norfolk Admirals, playing a meaningless game late in the season prior to the start of the AHL Playoffs, combined to have five players thrown off the ice after three major brawls. The crowd was delighted, if not at the 4-2 win by Norfolk, at least at the sheer animosity displayed by the two teams. They even failed to do the traditional hockey line-up handshake after the game, which may or may not be traditional in the AHL. I don't know, I don't go to enough games.

Keeping with the hockey theme, the Phils sent their very own "Golden Brett", Brett Myers to the hill to face enigmatic lefty Mike Hamptom. Hampton had a brilliant start to his career, and then decided to cash in with the Rockies a couple of seasons back, leaving the New York Mets and inking a huge contract with the Mile High Maulers. It didn't work out, to say the least. Hampton's sinker didn't sink at altitude, and he posted a couple of ungodly ERA's before escaping to the pitcher's haven of Atlanta. He's had moderate success as a Brave, but it wasn't until the second half of last season that he started to return to his earlier form. He came into tonight's game 12-1 in his last 16 starts, and 1-0 so far this year with a 1.29 ERA.

Myers has looked even better so far, 1-0 with a 0.73 ERA. The game started as we were pulling out of the Wachovia Spectrum parking lot, which is kind of like a rugby scrum with cars. Neither team did much of anything until we got home, when Marcus Giles laced a one-out double in the 4th off the wall over Bobby Abreu's glove. Giles was stranded, however, and neither team advanced a runner past second base until the 8th. In the 8th, Myers retired Jordan and Mondesi before our boy, Johnny Estrada, pinch-hitting for starting catcher Eddie Perez, ripped a two out hit into left-center. Pat Burrell made a nice play to hold Estrada to a single, which would be important later. Bobby Cox didn't have any lefty pinch-hitters on the bench who were any better than Hampton, he of the 14 career homers, so he let the pitcher swing. Hampton bashed the first pitch past Jason Michaels in center all the way to the wall. Abreu made a strong throw to cut-off man Placido Polanco, who wheeled and fired to the plate to get the piano-toting Estrada at the plate. It was a good play all-around, albeit kind of odd. Cox had to hit Estrada in that spot, because Perez is not much of a bat, and he couldn't pinch-run because he wouldn't have any catchers left. Charlie Manuel did well to leave Myers in against Hampton, who, after all, is a pitcher. Michaels took a bad angle on the ball, but he was playing in with the pitcher up, and Abreu and Polanco played it just like you draw it up in Spring Training. It was a very satisfying play, especially since it ended the inning with no score.

The Phils went in order in the 8th, and then Billy Wagner made another appearance. Giles hit another one-out double to right, and then stole third. Wagner came through in the clutch, though, throwing two blazers past Chipper (I Still Hate You) Jones to get him looking, and getting Andruw Jones to ground to third. On came the Braves closer, Danny Kolb, who had a few problems with the middle of the Phillies order before getting yesterday's man, Chase Utley, to bounce out to end regulation.

Ryan Madson, last year's bullpen revelation, started the 10th. Madson has been awful so far this year, and his struggles continued last night. Adam La Roche led off with a single, and in keeping with tonight's theme, was pinch-run for by a gentlemen from Canada by the name of Orr. Well, it was Pete Orr, not Bobby, but close enough. Brian Jordan (who else) singled Orr over to third, and then, the lights went out. Literally. Not at the stadium, but in my subdivision. You've got to be kidding me! NO! I guess if I was a real fan, I'd have gone out to the car to hear the rest of the game, but I said the hell with it and went to bed. I didn't see any way the Braves wouldn't get Orr home from third, and with the way Madson's been throwing, it might get ugly quickly.

As it turned out, from reading the Delaware County Daily Times (Slogan: Don't mind the typos, substandard English, and huge ink splotches -- they give the paper character!) Bobby, I mean Pete Orr, did score the game's first run on a sac fly by Raul Mondesi. Bobby Cox then decided to stick with his closer Kolb, letting him bat, and of course, strike out, to end the inning. Bobby will wish he had that one back.

From what I read of the bottom of the 10th, it sounded pretty exciting. I haven't been able to fire up MLB.TV yet today, but I will when I get home. Kolb walked Bell and Lieberthal to start things off, and after Lofton laid down a nice bunt, Kolb threw the ball away to allow pinch runner Tomas Perez to score the tying run. Lieberthal apparently stayed on second (I guess he was using Estrada's piano), which brought Jimmy Rollins up in another bunting situation. Rollins bunted, and then beat the throw from Kolb, loading the bases with nobody out and the winning run now on third. Finally, Cox replaced the frazzled Kolb with Kevin Gryboski (a defenseman from Medicine Hat?). It didn't help, as Placido Polanco quickly sent the crowd into their own parking lot rugby scrum with a clean base-hit down the left-field line, giving the Phillies a big early-season come-from-behind extra-inning 2-1 victory, and a 2-1 series win over the defending division champs.

Sure, it's only game 12 of the season, but this one could reverberate for a while. Cox has to be getting nervous about Kolb, who's blown two games in spectacular fashion already this year. They have Smoltz, but if they move him out the rotation, that would leave a gaping hole. Too bad for them. On the Phils side, they're back at .500, in a second place tie with everyone but the still-drunk-on-having-Tim-Russert-in-the-front-row Nationals. The Delco Times is quoting Kenny Lofton crowing about "little ball", but the bunts wouldn't have mattered if Bell and Lieberthal hadn't drawn those walks, and if Myers and Wagner hadn't thrown nine rows of zeroes. That's Moneyball, and here's hoping the Fightin's keep cashing in.

GAVIN CHASED AND CHASE DIVIN'

The homestand got off to a shaky start. Gavin Floyd's second outing was diametrically opposed to his first, unfortunately. Floyd walked four in the first and one in the third, all of whom scored, and his evening was done after three and a third torturous innings. The Braves continued teeing off against alleged major leaguer Pedro Liriano and others to record an 11-4 rout. My wife and I were eating Mexican food while Floyd was struggling, and the radio was clicked off about the time "our" Pedro entered.

Saturday's game was a sterling matchup of aces, Jon Lieber vs. John Smoltz. We spent Saturday morning volunteering at Quest For Tech, an organization that refurbishes old computers and gives them away, along with training, to needy people. If you have any hardware or want to volunteer, click on http://questfortech.org. I awoke from a nap after we got home with the game in the second inning and still scoreless. The two righties matched zeroes up to the fifth, when catcher Johnny Estrada, who the Phils are kicking themselves for letting get away, doubled and then scored on Brian Jordan's single. Jordan was a Phillies killer for years in his last stint with Atlanta, and nothing appears to have changed. The Braves have Jordan and another aging former all-star, Raul Mondesi, hitting seventh and eighth, which could be a disaster or a tremendous advantage. Knowing the Braves, it'll probably work out brilliantly.

Jimmy Rollins, who may or may not have overcome his propensity to swing for the fences a bit too much last year, swung for the fences appropriately here and parked one off Smoltz to tie the game in the sixth. Smoltz then uncharacteristically walked Kenny Lofton and Bob Abreu, and just when the inning looked over after Burrell and Thome struck out, today's hero, Chase Utley hit a line single that scored Lofton with the go-ahead run. I missed it, because I was cleaning the bathroom. You don't understand. Our bathroom had been invaded by a civilization of about 400 quadrillion paramecium, and today's cleaning has only made them angry.

The Braves didn't threaten in the seventh and eighth, and Billy Wagner came on to start the ninth. My fears about Billy's hittability were not assuaged much today. Chipper (I Hate You) Jones lined a hard single in the hole to left field, and then Andruw Jones flied deep to left, just missing on a fast ball. That man, Johnny Estrada, who even Wags can't strike out, then hit a massive shot to dead center that Kenny Lofton tracked down at the base of the fence. Billy had to hold his breath as Lofton retreated, and let out a big sigh as our new center fielder gloved it. That brought up pinch hitter Julio Franco, who Harry Kalas said was pinch hitting for "Dave La Roche". He probably did pinch hit for Dave La Roche once, but today he was pinch hitting for Dave's son, Adam La Roche. Julio is so old, he started playing when AstroTurf was still new. Of course, he spanked a hit to right field, and after a 2-2 wild pitch to Mr. Jordan, Billy was now officially in trouble. Enter Chase Utley, playing the role of the Flash. On 3-2, Jordan fisted a low liner that looked destined for center field and at least a tie game when Utley dove head-long to his right and speared it backhanded for the final out. What a play! A game-saver to be sure, and boy did we need it. The spectacular play by Utley preserved the 2-1 win for Lieber, who is now 3-0. Tomas Perez christened Lieber with a shaving cream pie as he was being interviewed by Harry Kalas on the post game show. Welcome to Philadelphia, Jon.

The win puts us back in a last-place tie, this time with Florida, at 5-6. Nobody is running away with it, though, and the Nationals will have to come back to earth eventually. We've got an ESPN Sunday Night game tomorrow, with Mike Hampton facing Brett Myers. My wife and I will be at, incredibly, a pro hockey game. Yes, they still have that, at least minor league style. Quest For Tech is taking all the volunteers on an outing. Volunteer today, and you can go! There are actually 10 tickets left, so I'm not kidding. Send me an e-mail, and I'll get you hooked up.

SPINNING THE LP

As promised, let's discuss the Phillies ownership group. Bill Conlin, the crusty, corpulent senior scribe for the Philadelphia Daily News, wrote an excellent article last October explicating the complicated proprietorship that is the Phillies, LP. As the official name suggests, the team is actually a Limited Partnership, with all the legal ramifications an LP entails. David Montgomery is the Managing General Partner. This affords him all managing duties over the partnership, and assigns to him the day-to-day operations of the club, as well as the responsibility over any lawsuits or judgments against the partnership. The remainder of the partnership are "Limited Partners", which more or less spells it out. They have no say in day-to-day operations, are not liable for any judgments or lawsuits, and most likely, per their Limited Partnership contract, are not allowed to make any public statements or pronouncements regarding the operation of the team.

The other Limited Partners are:

- Claire S. Betz. She is the widow of John Betz, who originally invested in the partnership in 1981. According to Conlin, she's a nice old lady who attends Spring Training games and splits her time between Key Largo and the Main Line. From all accounts, she does not own a Saint Bernard named Betzie, thank goodness. The Citizens Bank Park grounds crew is especially thankful.

- Double Play, Inc, which is a corporation owned by John Middleton. Middleton, says Conlin, comes from "fifth-generation Philadelphia old money". He also owns the McIntosh Inn chain of motels. If you are not familiar with these, they are in the Red Roof Inn class and are often strategically situated near a Denny's.

- Tri-Play Associates (did they all sit in a room to come up with these names?), owned by Alexander, Mahlon, and William Buck. They are better known (In business circles, anyway, I guess) as the venture capitalists TDH Capital Corporation. Think Duke & Duke, with an extra Duke.

- Giles Limited Partnership. This is the Giles family group, headed by former Managing General Partner Bill Giles. At least they don't have "play" in their name. Giles is the son of former National League and Cincinnati Reds President Warren Giles. Bill started this mess in 1981 by forming the LP and buying the Phillies for $30 million from Ruly Carpenter. Carpenter had built the Phillies into a powerhouse in the late 70's, leading them to their only World Series title in 1980 before promptly selling the team for fear of the impending free agency explosion, of which he was quite prescient. It's not like Giles and company haven't made out like bandits, however. Giles' original investment of about $100,000 from his father's estate is worth many times that (wouldn't W be proud?), and Conlin calculated that John Betz' initial $9.3 million investment would net his widow about $150 million in today's market.

Then there is David Montgomery himself, of course. He started with the Phillies in 1971 fresh out of the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, selling group and season ticket plans. Giles apparently found out about him through a friend, heard he was a Wharton grad, and told him, "Well, let's put you to work and see what you can do!" After that thorough vetting process, Montgomery slowly worked his way up the ranks, acquiring ownership shares along the way, until he was finally installed as Managing General Partner in 1997 while Giles concentrated on building a new stadium. Giles tenure had been marked by a couple of fluky successes, in 1983 and 1993, surrounded by years of mediocrity and worse. The farm system was systematically dismantled throughout the Giles era, and is only now producing quality big-leaguers again, albeit not very many. Montgomery hired Ed Wade away from the Orioles organization to be his General Manager, and has stuck with him through thin and thin. The franchise has not seen the postseason for the last 12 seasons, often not even coming close. In 2004, the team moved into the retro Citizens Bank Park after a long and contentious negotiating process with the city of Philadelphia and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania over public funding. While the park is a monumental improvement over the old Vet, it remains to be seen whether it will translate into the sort of revenue generator that will put the Phillies into the payroll sphere of the upper echelon teams, or if the Phillies LP even wants that.

So, what does this all mean for the fans? Limited Partnerships are pretty common around baseball, and can be very successful. The Red Sox and Yankees are LP's, and they do pretty well. The main problem with the Phillies ownership are the guys at the top. Montgomery is more than likely an able businessman. The franchise value has increased steadily over the years, and together with Giles they were able to get the new stadium built, which will certainly enhance revenue. What Montgomery and Giles have never shown any evidence of is that they know (or even care about) what it takes to produce winning baseball. Giles is the scion of the family who built a franchise once known as "The Big Red Machine", but little seems to have rubbed off. Montgomery has no background in the game of baseball whatsoever. The hiring and apparent undying loyalty to Ed Wade demonstrates that Montgomery and Giles believe in the "old school" of baseball orthodoxy, at least in terms of choosing and paying for talent. Wade almost unfailingly chooses aging veterans to fill open roster spots, never, ever overpays for a star player, and has little or no regard for the now-well-established (since the Red Sox triumph) science of sabermetrics, where computers and statistics are used in imaginative ways to unearth hidden player value. The team's choice of field managers also demonstrates their old school tendencies. After a brief trial with the young Terry Francona, brought in mainly to work with the rebuilding team that Wade had inherited, Wade and Montgomery decided that in order to get to the next level, the Phillies needed to bring in 1980 hero and fan favorite Larry Bowa. The Bowa regime was not an unmitigated disaster, but the team made almost no improvement over his reign, and quite possibly regressed. Bowa had never shown any ability to win at the big league level, and much worse, had shown a marked propensity for pissing everyone off. It was not surprising then when Bowa chased off star third baseman Scott Rolen, who helped lead the Cardinals to the NL title last year. Most of the rest of the players either harbored a seething animosity toward their manager, or were so intimidated by him that they underperformed badly (see Burrell, Pat). After four mediocre and disappointing seasons, the Phillies fired Bowa and replaced him with another, much quieter ante-deluvian retread, Charlie Manuel.

Can things improve? The new ballpark, and what the LP does with the money, is the most important factor in answering that question. If Montgomery and Giles pour it back into the free-agent market, or at least use it to retain the best talent and build the farm system, the Phillies can prosper. The chances of this happening, however, seem remote at best. Wade simply won't go the extra mile to pursue a top free agent, instead spending relatively small amounts of money for veterans with middling value, like Kenny Lofton and David Bell. Even the Jim Thome acquisition, by far Wade's most daring and expensive move, involved a 32-year-old player with only one real skill. Wade also never parts with prized youngsters in trade negotiations, which usually squelches any blockbuster deals. This would be fine if his youngsters developed into stars, but none have to date. The only player Wade either drafted or had a chance to sign who has blossomed lately is J. D. Drew. In a fairly indicative episode, Wade refused the bonus demands from Drew's agent Scott Boras and let him get re-drafted the following year by the Cardinals.

One of Wade's untouchables, righty Gavin Floyd, deals tonight against Horacio Ramirez, a promising lefty for the Braves. Floyd was brilliant in his first start, retiring 19 Cardinals in a row at one stage with a baffling curve ball. If Floyd can maintain this level of domination, Wade will finally achieve some measure of vindication. Much bigger vindication would come with a division title. The Nationals won their home opener last night in front of Tim Russert, Sen. Chris Dodd, and oh yeah, that Bush guy, which puts them in first all alone. The Mets also won, putting the Phillies in a tie for...last place. Keep dreaming, Ed.

D-RAILED

Well, that was Micco-sucky. I am of course referring a) to the ubiquitous signs for the Miccosukee Casino ringing Dolphins Stadium, and b) yesterday's game. I've never even heard of the Miccosukee tribe. I guess they were patrolling South Beach before leggy European models with an aversion to bikini tops and fey Cuban hairdressers with an aversion to restraint took over.

In any event, the Phillies and Marlins played a day game, much to my surprise, on a Wednesday of all days. I missed the whole thing, which was fine, since it didn't go well for the guys in red and gray. Dontrelle Willis upped his consecutive scoreless streak to 18 innings to start the season, recording his second complete game shutout of the year in two tries. If the Marlins keep this up, their pitching stats will start looking like the '68 Tigers and Cardinals. I half expect Denny McClain to start (and finish, naturally) the back end of a doubleheader.

Yesterday's 4-0 result in Florida, combined with Washington's 11-4 drubbing of Atlanta leaves the Marlins, Nationals, and Braves in first, with the Phillies one game back. Baseball Prospectus, my favorite baseball web site, lists the Marlins as the best team in baseball, and I can't disagree. Four complete games in nine outings? That's unheard of, and completely unsustainable, but it shows what they are capable of. I saw John Marzano on Daily News Live on Comcast Sportsnet yesterday afternoon, and he said the Phillies shouldn't worry, because number one and number two starters will pitch like this many times throughout the season. I have news for you, John: Dontrelle is the Marlins #3 starter. And they are in our division, so we get them 16 more times. I would worry.

The Phillies are (checking ESPN.com) off today, heading back home for a (checking ESPN.com again) seven game homestand against Atlanta, the Mets, and the possibly historically bad Rockies. Hey, this Internet thing really comes in handy sometimes, for looking up, like, facts and stuff. I'll have to enlighten readers on the mysterious intricacies of Phillies ownership tomorrow.

WOLF BLITZED

Last night was a typical outing for Randy Wolf against the Marlins: 6 IP, 5 ER, 2 HR allowed. My distant cousin Mike Lowell tied the game in the 4th with a mammoth shot over the scoreboard at recently rechristened Dolphins Stadium (they might as well call it "Hey Marlins, Get The Hell Out Of Our" Stadium). Dodger refugee Paul LoDuca made it 5-2 with another two-run shot in the 5th. The Aquamen roughed up the bullpen, including someone by the name of Pedro Liriano, for three more for an 8-2 final. The real problem for the Phils, however, was AJ Burnett. After missing nearly all of the 2003 World Championship season and about half of last season recovering from Tommy John surgery (can we call that something else now? How about, Welcome To The Big Leagues surgery), he's healthy and nearly unhittable. He was registering triple digit heat as late as the seventh inning, and his curve, slider, and changeup were all working. The Marlins starting rotation now has three times as many complete games as...the American League. Frightening.

In other news, my favorite player on my Strat team, Miguel Cabrera, continues to look like money. He lined a sharp single off Wolf (also, sadly, on my Strat team), and then casually slapped a Terry Adams do-nothing breaking ball into the left-field seats. He turns 22 next week.

Tonight's matchup is Cory Lidle vs. The D Train, Dontrelle Willis. Willis already has one shutout this year, and Abreu and Thome are normally rendered moot against lefties who come from the side like Dontrelle. I'm not optimistic. Lidle was decent in his first start, and he's the only Phillie to throw multiple shutouts last year, so there's a possibility something good might happen. I have a feeling we'll see that signature high leg kick of the D Train well into the late innings, though.

New Braves closer Danny Kolb gacked a big one last night, allowing three Nats to score in the ninth for a 4-3 loss. Atlanta still has a one game lead on us, Florida and Washington, with the Mets two and a half out.

The Mets lost their first five for new manager Willie Randolph before Pedro finally broke through against John Smoltz on Sunday. The Mets were our family team back in upstate NY. My mom grew up in Brooklyn, and she and my dad were ardent Brooklyn Dodgers fans for the better part of their lives until Dem Bums went west in 1957. The Mets arrived in 1962 as an expansion team, and were instantly adopted by my family. Even my maternal grandmother, who also spent a big chunk of her life in Brooklyn, loved the Amazins. My earliest baseball memories are of watching the highlights of the 1969 World Series win over Baltimore during rain delays. Clendennon, Agee, Seaver, Grote, Swoboda - this was the Pantheon in our house. I didn't really understand the significance of what had occurred, but I knew that we had been a part of something big, a bona fide Miracle. I didn't really start comprehending or appreciating the game until the '73 pennant run, when Big Bad Pete Rose started a fight with little Buddy Harrelson during the NLCS. The Mets somehow bested the Big Red Machine in five games, and then had to face the defending champion Oakland A's, they of the loud uniforms and hippie hair. I remember Charlie Finley firing Mike Andrews for making in error in one of the early games, and then being forced to re-instate him by Bowie Kuhn. I also remember the Mets improbable run finally wilting in the seventh game, and my uncle, who lived not far from the Oakland Coliseum, rubbing it in.

After that season, the Mets descended into a spiral of mediocrity and then downright atrociousness under the incompetent stewardship of M. Donald Grant. The low point was the 1977 trade of my hero, Tom Seaver, to the Reds for four nobodies. The late 70's and early 80's were a dark time to be a Mets fan. Of course, I was just getting into Little League and then puberty, so the Mets nadir couldn't have come at a worse time. While my classmates and teammates were jumping on the Steinbrenner Yankee bandwagon, I spent my summers wondering whether Dave Kingman could possibly strike out any more, and why Lenny Randle and Elliott Maddox were not only wearing major league uniforms, but getting serious playing time. The only solace was the announcing team of Bob Murphy and Ralph Kiner; Murph for his professionalism and class, and Kiner for his loveable incompetence. My favorite weekend afternoons were spent listening to a Mets doubleheader on the transistor radio at Glimmerglass State Park, riding back home in my Dad's Oldsmobile with Murph describing the late innings on the car radio, and after arriving back home to see the end of a rare Mets win, watching Kiner's Korner, seeing how many words Ralph would stumble over and what kind of insane questions he would ask. My favorite guests were Le Grand Orange, Rusty Staub, and of course, the man, Tom Seaver. Seaver was such a pro, possessing an encyclopedic knowledge of pitching and the ability to convey it, even after a grueling complete game. I loved his high pitched cackle whenever Ralph would say something crazy. Rusty was cool, charming, sophisticated, and could talk a great game. Both players epitomized in my mind what it meant to be a major league baseball player. They will always set the standard.

In 1980, the Mets were sold to publishing magnate Nelson Doubleday, of the Abner Doubledays, and Fred Wilpon. They hired Frank Cashen, architect of the great 60's and 70's Orioles teams, to be the new GM. It took a few years, but the turnaround had begun, just in time for my high school and college years. The first big acquisition was George Foster from the Reds. Big George had hit 52 homers in 1977 for the Reds, and Mets fans hadn't seen anything like him in their history. He was mostly a flop, but it gave us hope that the Mets were serious about bringing in star players. The next big move was the 1983 trade for Keith Hernandez, former co-MVP of the National League. Hernandez immediately took charge of the clubhouse and instilled an expectation of winning that had been missing since the '73 team. In 1984, the call-up of pitching phenom Dwight Gooden put the Mets right in the thick of the NL East race, eventually won by the Cubs, with the Mets finishing a respectable second. When Gary Carter was traded to New York for spare parts after the 1984 season, I knew that the Mets would be contenders for years. 1985, my senior year in High School, looked to be the year they would finally get back to the postseason. Another youngster with the impossible name of Darryl Strawberry was hitting baseballs in places where baseballs had never been hit, Gooden was untouchable, and Carter and Hernandez were having career years. They battled the Cardinals all season until succumbing in the final week.

Ah, 1986, the high point of my baseball existence. We had been so close in 1985, and with Strawberry and Gooden another year older, and Bobby Ojeda now in the rotation, we looked unbeatable. There's no doubt 1986 was my favorite summer. The Mets won games in every conceivable fashion that year. For the opponents, no lead was ever safe, no matter how late the in the game it was. My favorite game that year was in Cincinnati, when the Mets tied it with two outs in the 9th, and then ran out of position players when a brawl erupted after a steal of third by the Reds Eric Davis. Roger McDowell and Jesse Orosco spent the 10th through 13th innings switching between right field and the pitchers mound before Howard Johnson homered in the top of the 14th. That game was the essence of the '86 Mets: Whatever it takes.

The postseason that year has been dissected to exhaustion, but to be a long-suffering fan of the team that won it was the most exhilarating and rewarding experience of my baseball life. I remember being home from college for Fall Break during Game Three of the NLCS, and heading to the mall to get a haircut as the Mets fell behind early. When the haircut was done, the Mets had tied it, and then fallen behind again. Lenny Dykstra then belted a two-run homer off Astro closer Dave Smith in the bottom of the 9th, and we were up 2 games to 1. Back at school, we all gathered in my room to watch Game Six on the little 13" color TV my parents had bought me the previous Christmas. It looked bleak as Bob Knepper mowed down the Mets for eight innings, with Cy Young winner Mike Scott waiting to close it out in Game Seven. The Mets rallied for three in the 9th, and then I had to go to my Co-op Orientation Meeting. AAAUUGGHHH! I missed the Mets run in the 14th, and Billy Hatcher's foul pole homer to tie it, but I made it back in time to see the Mets score three in the 16th. The Astros scored two in the 16th, but Orosco got Kevin Bass looking, threw his glove to the ceiling, and the METS WIN THE PENNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes. The last time I had seen that, it was Tug McGraw getting mobbed at Shea in 1973. How far they had fallen, and then come back again. On to the World Series.

This is where Sox fans can stop reading (not that anyone is reading). For Game Six, my roommate and I were watching the final innings with a guy down the hall, Rob, who was from Framingham, MA. When Dave Henderson hit the homer to put the Sox up by two in the 10th, Rob was still wary, but clearly psyched. I think he went back to his room to call some of his friends back home. I remember having my finger poised on the remote button to turn the TV off if the Mets made the final out because I couldn't bear it. "My teams never win," I kept telling my roommate. And then. Well, at this point, I should have known. The Mets had been staging miraculous comebacks all year, and when I saw Bob "Steamer" Stanley trot in from the bullpen, it was over as far I was concerned. I knew from playing Strat-o-Matic that Stanley was a bum, and given the Red Sox accursed history, it all began to come together. The Buckner thing really didn't surprise me much. Whatever it takes. I do remember jumping high enough that my head almost hit the ceiling when Ray Knight crossed home. I don't recall even being worried about Game Seven. There was no way we could lose after Game Six. We fell behind early, but came storming back and won easily, 8-5. Vindication, at last.

The rest of the 80's were semi-successful. The Mets made the playoffs again in '88 only to run into the Orel Hershiser/Kirk Gibson Dodger juggernaut, and then slowly fell into decline. I moved away to Illinois and started following the Chicago White Sox, because I sure as hell wasn't going to root for the Cubs or Cardinals. Then I moved to Houston and found some room in my heart for the poor, pathetic Astros. I stopped back close to home at Cooperstown in 1992 to watch Tom Seaver get inducted into the Hall Of Fame, the first and only Met to make it. Other than that, my Met affiliation has been completely severed. Now I'm in Philly, and the Fightins are my team. I always have believed in rooting for the team that you can follow every day on radio, TV, and in the newspaper, and whose games you can actually attend if you are so inclined. I attended only five Mets games the entire time I rooted for them. Three of those were shutouts by Mets pitchers, and two of the games were in Montreal, near where I went to school. I went to three White Sox games, two in Old Comiskey and one in New Comiskey. I've been to countless Astros games. My boss had a mini-season ticket plan, and would often give me his tickets when he couldn't make it. I've only seen six Phillies games so far: four here, one in Baltimore, and one in Fenway. The Vet was a horrible place to watch a game, and the new ball park is a tough ticket. My wife and I prefer the local minor league park of the Wilmington Blue Rocks. The parking is free, the sight lines are fantastic, and it's still baseball.

Enough reminiscing. There's a season to be played.

FAITHLESS

It's been two weeks, time for a blog entry.

I've been listening to the Stewart O'Nan/Stephen King book "Faithful" on my iPod at the gym lately, and I've decided to try the same thing with the Phillies. Like O'Nan, I come late to this particular baseball affliction, but unlike King I don't happen to possess second row behind-the-dugout seats. Alas. We'll see how it goes.

The Phillies aren't nearly as loveable as the Bosox nor do they have quite the same tortured history nor do their fans suffer the same blind devotion. The Phillies just suck, and have for a couple of decades, and for many more decades before that. Phillies fans resign themselves to mediocrity in mid-February, and content themselves with Harry Kalas' lug-ub-ri-ous de-liv-er-y while they fritter away the summer down the shore. The Fightins are mere props in the long running touring company production of an inferiority complex that is life in and around Philadelphia. There are no expectations placed on the Phillies, aside from never having enough good players. They rarely even make the post-season, which deprives the Phillies fan of the Oresteian epics with the Yankees that Boston fans must endure. Mostly, Phillies fans like the Phillies because we like being able to complain. It's what we do.

The 2005 edition of the Phils once again will labor in the shadow of the Atlanta Braves, NL East Division winners every year since the divisions were trisected and a full season was played, in 1995. The Braves were once the plaything of Ted Turner, a Steinbrennerian media mogul with an unlimited wallet and the competitive nature of Karl Rove down 10 points in the polls. Ted eventually sold out to Time Warner who merged with AOL. The corporate suits have been threatening a drastic payroll reduction for the last few years, but the Braves have always been able to piece together a winner due to the steady management of GM John Schuerholz, Manager Bobby Cox and Pitching Coach Leo Mazzone. Atlanta is in every way a model franchise. God, how I hate them. Their fans are a bunch of assholes, too. Every time I see that Tomahawk Chop, I suddenly become an activist for Native American rights. And there isn't enough space in the known universe for me to fully explain my loathing for Chipper Jones.

The rest of the division has gaping flaws. The Mets picked up Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran in the free-agent market, but they have no bullpen, and Mike Piazza is a liability behind the plate. The Marlins have a loaded lineup and great pitching, but you never know with them. They look terrible in April and win the World Series, and then they look great and finish below .500. It has to take a lot out of a team to play in the Miami heat all summer before a half-empty stadium. Then again, they do have two rings in the last 8 years. The Nationals are a disgrace. Major League Baseball has been holding them in escrow for the last three years while they search for a permanent owner, they've been moved to an abandoned football/soccer stadium in a city that is 90% African-American during a period when baseball has done nothing to attract minorities, and on top of all that, they have no decent players. They should be lucky to avoid 100 losses, but somehow, they'll win the season series from Philadelphia anyway.

The Phillies stumbled through Spring Training this year with a record of 11-18, second to last in the Grapefruit League. The pitching was the biggest shortcoming. Vicente Padilla missed the whole spring and will be sidelined for several weeks of the regular season, and none of the other starters impressed. The team Spring ERA of 5.85 won't translate well up North. The main controversy in the Spring was what to do with young Ryan Howard. Howard can clearly hit for power, but as a natural first baseman, he will never supplant superstar Jim Thome. The Phils had him play some innings in left field, but had it been a medical trial it would have been cut short due to imminent danger to life and health of the test subject. GM Ed Wade finally decided to park Howard in Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes Barre until an injury forces him into the lineup or until some AL team in need of a DH offers something useful. Howard demanded a trade, which Wade laughed aside while pointing to the Major League Baseball Players Association labor agreement, subpart: "Players with less than six years major league service".

Citizens Bank Park, the Phils' still-sparkly newish home, hosted the season opener. New Philly ace Jon Lieber took on Washington, scattering 10 hits (he's like the Johnny Appleseed of hits!) in an 8-4 win over Livan Hernandez. Phils center fielder Kenny Lofton, another new addition, broke open the game with a line-drive three-run homer in the bottom of the fifth. I guess he is better than Marlon Byrd.

The Nats took the final two games of the series by victimizing the Phillies bullpen. Game two was a 3-2 nailbiter in the 8th until Charlie Manuel handed the ball to Tim Worrell. Four hits and four runs later, DC led 6-3 and tacked on another against Terry Adams to win it 7-3. Worrell struck again in Game Three, giving up the tying run in the 8th while Frenchy Cormier allowed the game-winner in the 10th. They better figure this out soon, or, boy we will be complaining a lot.

On the road to St. Louis we go. The defending NL champs have an offense that Mike Martz would be proud of, but only so-so pitching, which the Phils tore into fairly quickly. They built a 5-1 lead over newcomer Mark Mulder, only to blow it in the - you guessed it - 8th inning. Ryan Madson did the honors this time, with some help from lefty Aaron Fultz, who walked Albert Pujols with the bases loaded for the go-ahead run. Yikes.

Games two and three of the Cardinal series started to make me feel a little better. Both were blowouts, 10-4 and 13-4. Pat Burrell is hotter than an authorized Paris Hilton sex video. After the St. Louis series, he has 15 RBI. Nobody else has 10. The next stop is Florida, though. Those guys drive us crazy.

Brett Myers took on Al Leiter last night in game one. I caught this one mostly from the beginning on Comcast Sportsnet. This is as good a time as any to mention the TV coverage for what won't be the last time. The Phils air on cable on Comcast Sportsnet, which is sort of a local version of ESPN, and less frequently, on the local UPN station. Sportsnet is part of the huge-o-mongus Comcast cable/high speed internet/sports franchise empire. Comcast also owns the 76ers and Flyers in addition to the arena they play in. They also host this web site, so if I say anything bad about them, they may (deleted). In any event, Comcast pretty much runs sports and sports coverage in this town. They even refuse to give their signal to DirecTV and Dish Network so that you have to subscribe to cable to watch the Phillies. (Deleted). Hey! Whatever. In general, the coverage is pretty good. Harry Kalas' voice alone usually makes it worth watching. Harry been getting kind of full himself, though, since he was inducted into the broadcasters wing of the Baseball Hall-of-Fame. He hired an agent and demanded to not have to work with color man Chris Wheeler before they finally gave him some more money last year. Actually, I can't blame him for not wanting to work with that whiny loser Wheels. Larry Andersen, an old southpaw reliever who has fashioned himself into the Steven Wright of baseball announcers, rounds out the TV crew.

Anyway, the game. Burrell did it again in the top of the first, launching an upper deck shot over the Teal Monster (oh, please) to make it 2-0. Pat promptly gave a run back in the bottom of the first by dropping a fly ball to allow Carlos Delgado to score. Leiter infuriated everyone with 3-2 counts for the next four innnings, giving up another run before they started running out of baseballs and the Marlins had to pull him. The Delgado run turned out to be it for the Fish as Brett Myers and a newly non-incendiary bullpen blanked Florida for the rest of the evening for a 4-1 win. I don't know about Billy Wagner yet. He's throwing hard, but he looks a lot more hittable. Maybe I'm overreacting. He said he wants to retire after this season if the Phillies win it all. I'm not even remotely concerned with the Phillies winning it all, but you hate to hear a guy utter the "R" word, especially in March or April.

We're 4-3, with two more in Dade County before heading home to play the Atlanta Evil Spawn. Wolfie's going tonight.

THE HITS KEEP ON COMING

Hey, I've decided to go "Drudge" today.

ANNIKA SORENSTAM STILL NOT NUDE ON THIS OR ANY OTHER WEBSITE

DEVELOPING...

SIC SAD WORLD^TM

This from Reuters Notable Quotes:

"I don't do anything anymore that feels safe. If it doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you're not doing the right thing."

-- SANDRA BULLOCK, now starring in "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous," on choosing her movie roles.
 

LEAVE EVERY TINY LITTLE THING TO US

Holding hearings on steroids in baseball, issusing a subpeona to Terry Schiavo...welcome to your new and improved Full Service Congress!

You have a problem? We'll take it on! No problem is too small. Sure, we used to worry about stuff like war, civil rights, the Hawley-Smoot tariff, whatever the heck that was, but not anymore. Now we're focusing laser-like on your personal life. Yeah, you, buddy!

Got a neighbor playing his stereo too loud? Sounds like a job for the House International Relations Committee. Well, if your neighbor is Indian or something. God knows, sitar music isn't for everybody. The point is, Congress has nothing better to do! Nobody cares what we say about Iraq, Iran, or any of those other crazy places, or Social Security, or proliferation of nuclear material, or global warming (pffft!). Which is cool with us. We'd rather get some face time mediating disputes involving narrow issues that lots of our constituents are on one side of. It makes things so much easier.

So, sign up today! Contact your local Congressperson, and if you favorably answer the questions on our brief questionnaire (Question 1: Has this problem appeared on television on at least one major news network? Question 2: Do all your Republican friends agree on this issue?) we'll be holding hearings before you can say "abuse of power".

ANOTHER GOODBYE



Tiger
c. 1990 - March 4th, 2005

Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears,
but laugh and talk of me
as if I were beside you...
I loved you so -----
'twas Heaven here with you.

Isla Paschal Richardson

YOUNG LOVE

Come on, it's Valentine's Day, send these two lovebirds a gift.

DYNASTY

ASK MONICA

Bill Clinton is being tapped by the U.N. to head up the tsunami relief effort.

Great choice. He's got a lot of experience dealing with wave after wave of!...oh, wait, wrong waves.

HYPE PRESSURE AREA

Many people say there's too much Super Bowl hype. TCP says, "There's too many people who say there's too much Super Bowl hype!" Before we descend into a self-inflicted death spiral, we thought it would be helpful to provide a guide to Super Bowl week so that you don't actually have to watch it (or comment on it) yourself.

MONDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is T.O. going to play?"; "Can T.O. be ready by Sunday?"; "If T.O.'s fibula were a tree, what kind of tree would it be?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Are the Patriots a dynasty"; "When will you decide you're a dynasty?"; "If you win, is Bill Belichick going to change his name to Blake Carrington?"

TUESDAY:

Eagles Media Day. Questions will include, "What exactly is in a cheesesteak?"; "Who cracked the Liberty Bell?"; "It was T.O., wasn't it?"

Patriots Media Day. Questions will include, "Why do they call it Beantown?"; "Is it Foxboro or Foxborough? Or maybe Phahcksbireau?" "How about them Red Sox?"

WEDNESDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How's T.O. doing?"; "Is T.O. any closer?"; "What would T.O. want God to say when he arrived at the pearly gates?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "How great a coach are you, Coach Belichick?"; "Are you guys the greatest team ever in the history of the universe, including the Roman Legion?"; "Coach Belichick, could you do my son's Advanced String Theory homework?"

THURSDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "How about it?"; "Any chance?"; "How about if I ask that T.O. question in one syllable?"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Is there any way on God's green earth that an unstoppable juggernaut with the smartest coach in the history of sentient beings can lose?"; "If you guys lose, would a black hole come up from under the field and swallow the whole city of Jacksonville."; "Would that be an improvement?"

FRIDAY:

Eagles Press Conference. Questions will include, "Well? (see I told you I could do it!)"

Patriots Press Conference. Questions will include, "Coach, do you think your team could defeat an army of Romulans, Aliens, Predators, Mongols, Huns, Nazis, Al Qaeda, the Manson Family, the SLA, Ted Bundy and Scott Peterson, with their hands tied behind their backs, blindfolded, and their feet tied together simply by using their minds?"

SATURDAY:

Official Hype-Free Day, brought to you by Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Taco Bell, Burger King, Coors Light, Bud Light, Miller Genuine Draft, Tostitos, Cialis, Monster.com, Quiznos, Subway, Siemens, BASF, Charles Schwab, TD Waterhouse, Chunky Soup, Lexus, Toyota, GMC Trucks, EBay, Wal-Mart, ExxonMobil, Archer Daniels Midland, Halliburton, and Lockheed Martin.

SUNDAY:

FOX Pre-Game Show, starting at 12:00.01 AM.

12:00.01 to 2 AM - Terry Bradshaw acts all crazy and shit
2 AM to 4 AM - Howie Long calls Bradshaw crazy and challenges him to a rasslin' match
4 AM to 6 AM - Jimmy Johnson gets his hair shellacked
6 AM to 8 AM - Joe Buck reacts to Randy Moss' bootleg sex video
8 AM to 10 AM - Pam Oliver interviews Terrell Owens and finally gets the spanking she deserves.
10 AM to Noon - J.B. does nothing, but with class and quiet dignity.
Noon to 2 PM - Cris Collinsworth tries to stir up controversy until everyone realizes he sucked with the Bengals
2 PM to 4 PM - Troy Aikman makes broad, obvious statements that even a 70's Brian Wilson would consider sane and rational
4 PM to 5 PM - Johnson's hair gets a second coat prior to gametime
5 PM to 5:01 PM - Actual game analysis. Everyone agrees that the Pats should win, but that the Eagles could win if they "force at least eleven turnovers and Charlie Weis calls the offensive plays using the Jumbotron"
5:01 PM to 6:30 PM - Ogling Jillian Barberie (well, we can hope, anyway)
6:30 PM - Kickoff! Brought to you by The Simple Life: Interns

Halftime - FOX Super Bowl Halftime Special, starring Laura Bush, Mary Lou Retton, Celine Dion, and the FCC Approved Dancers

Enjoy the week everybody! And bet with your head, not over it. (Note: Super Bowl wagering is illegal in 49 states and the District of Columbia. *snort!* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously, take the under, unless T.O. looks healthy.)