DAY 992 - A.B.B.

Hey, I'm thinking of switching to an all-curling blog. Here's a taste:

What was U.S. Skip Pete Fenson thinking? The clear play in the tenth end was to take out the Italian stone in the four-foot and set up a guard on the American shot rock! We had last rock, for crying out loud! So much for this bonspiel.

Pretty good, huh? Now all I need is a fucking clue what the hell I'm talking about. Oh, well, back to politics. Actually, I have the same problem there, but it doesn't bother me in the least.

Today's candidate Wiki-purloin is Rudy Giuliani, former Mayor of New York City. Rudolph William Louis "Rudy" Giuliani III was born on May 28th, 1944 in Brooklyn, NY. His father was Harold Angelo Giuliani and his mother was Helen C. D'Avanzo, both children of Italian immigrants. He was raised in Garden City South on Long Island and attended Manhattan College before graduating from New York University School of Law magna cum laude in 1968. Also in that year he married his first wife Regina Peruggi, and clerked for a US District Court judge after graduation. His marriage to Peruggi was annulled by the Catholic Church in 1982.

Giuliani has been a registered Democrat, Independent, and Republican. No word on whether the Green Party is next, but I wouldn't bet on it. Giuliani became an Assistant US Attorney in 1970, and moved on to the Justice Department in 1975 as Associate Deputy Attorney General and chief of staff to the Deputy Attorney General. He became the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York in 1983, where he prosecuted Michael Douglas' "Greed is good" inspirations Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken for various insider trading charges. Giuliani also went after organized crime and drug dealers during his tenure.

Giuliani ran for Mayor of New York in 1989, losing to David Dinkins in a very close race. He faced off against Dinkins again in 1993, this time winning by a few percentage points. He was re-elected almost by affirmation in 1997, and was forced to give up his post due to term limits after the 2001 election. During Giuliani's eight years in office, crime rates in the city significantly decreased, although it is impossible to determine what effect his administration had on these results. Giuliani pursued a strategy of aggressively cracking down on minor offenses such as jaywalking and littering with the idea that this would send a signal that order would be maintained. He also helped clean up Times Square, removing adult establishments and encouraging family-oriented chain restaurants and other mass media entities to move in. His tactics raised criticism from minority groups who felt unfairly targeted by what they felt was out-of-control, thuggish police behavior. In 1999, for example, unarmed West African immigrant Amadou Diallo was shot 19 times and killed by police for reaching into his jacket when they came to his apartment to question him. This followed a 1997 case in which Haitian immigrant Abner Louima was viciously sodomized with a mop handle by cops after a disturbance outside a nightclub.

Giuliani formed an exploratory committee to run for the New York State Senate seat ultimately won by Hillary Clinton. He dropped out of the race due to prostate cancer and due to the discovery of his extra-marital affair with Judith Nathan, a former pharmaceutical sales representative whom he later married. At one point during his separation and divorce from his first wife, Donna Hanover, Hanover was still living in Gracie Mansion, and Giuliani was living in the apartment of his gay friend Howard Koeppel and Koeppel's partner, Mark Hsiao.

The Mayor's rise to national prominence, of course, took place following the 9/11 attacks. Giuliani was almost universally praised for his leadership on the day of the attacks and the days and weeks that followed, and was even named Time's Person Of The Year for 2001. He requested, and was given, an unprecedented 3-month extension on his term, which finally ended in April of 2002.

After his mayoralty, Giuliani entered private business, starting the security consulting firm Giuliani Partners. One of the partners was former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, whom Giuliani recommended to replace Tom Ridge as Secretary of Homeland Security. Unfortunately for Giuliani, it was discovered, among several other revelations, that Kerik had been taking advantage of a city-owned apartment near the World Trade Center site, which had been set up as a haven for stressed out relief workers, to engage in romantic trysts with his mistress, publisher Judith Regan. Giuliani has since joined the Houston-based law firm Bracewell & Giuliani (formerly Bracewell & Patterson) while still running his original consulting firm.

Campaign finance records (that can be found on the web anyway) aren't very helpful for Giuliani, since he has never run for national office. His 1997 mayoral run records don't show any obvious corporate benefactors, although Koeppel, a car dealer, and Invemed Associates, a law firm led by Kenneth Langone, a Home Depot board member, appear to be large fund raisers. His association with Bracewell, which defends several energy clients, would suggest that he is looking to become friendly with George W. Bush's circle of contributors.

Giuliani's second marriage, to former WPIX news anchor Hanover, produced his only children, son Andrew and daughter Caroline. Andrew, age 7 at the time, made himself infamous and fodder for parody by Saturday Night Live's Chris Farley by climbing all over his father during Giuliani's first inaugural address. Andrew is now 18 and dating Olympic Gold Medal skater Sarah Hughes.

Baggage, baggage, baggage. Rudy has it in spades. He's being named a front runner for 2008, but I don't see it. Once the press and his GOP opponents get done untangling his extra-marital affairs, his moderate social politics including a pro-choice stance on abortion and generally pro-gay leanings, the whole Bernie Kerik mess, Abner Louima and Amadou Diallo, and the fact that he comes from New York, I can't imagine the Republican Party giving him the top of the ticket. No way, no how. Now, the Green Party, that's another story.

DAY 994 - A.B.B.

I forgot to trot out my Dick Cheney jokes yesterday. Here's a few:

Not sure if this has anything to do with anything, but on Friday, Halliburton was awarded a no-bid contract to run the trauma unit at that hospital in Corpus Christi.

Man, the initiation ceremony to become a Bush Pioneer is a real son-of-a-bitch.

The delay in reporting the incident was due to the fact that for the mandatory drug test, the Texas Wildlife Commission had to fly in a special kit for a Satan's Minion 1st Class.

Ok, enough of that. Today's profile is Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN). Birch Evans "Evan" Bayh (huh?) was born in Shirkieville, IN on December 26th (same day as my niece, Kim!), 1955. His father is former Indiana Senator Birch Bayh, also a Democrat. Evan graduated with a bachelor's degree in business, economics and public policy from the Indiana University Kelley School of Business in 1978, and received his J.D. from the University of Virginia in 1981. I wonder if he ever ran into George Allen. Anyway, Bayh entered politics in 1986 after being elected Indiana's Secretary of State, and then Governor in 1988 (the nation's youngest Governor at 32). Bayh was re-elected to the statehouse in 1992. During his tenure, Bayh implemented a $1.6 billion tax cut and presided over a huge budget surplus. His initiatives included a welfare-to-work program, and a program to give students who are eligible for the free-lunch program, graduate high school with passing grades, and pledge not to experiment with illegal drugs full tuition to the public university of their choice. Damn, that could have saved me a fortune in student loans. Bayh became the junior Senator from Indiana in 1998, and was re-elected in 2004. His committee assignments are Banking Housing and Urban Affairs, on which he is the Ranking Member of the Subcommittee on International Trade and Finance; Armed Services; the Select Committee on Intelligence; the Special Committee on Aging; and the Small Business Committee.

Bayh's voting record in the Senate is liberal-to-moderate. He has a 100% rating from NARAL Pro-Choice America, NAACP, National Education Association, various environmental groups, AFL-CIO and many other labor groups, and a zero rating from the National Right-to-Life Committee, Christian Coalition, Family Research Council, and the American Family Association. He voted for the war in Afghanistan and in Iraq, but has championed initiatives to better equip soldiers and to remove what he calls the "Patriot Penalty" pay cut that reservists experience when they leave their civilian jobs and go on active duty. Bayh does not believe that Iraq was re-constituting their WMD program and has been critical of the Bush Administration's use of pre-war intelligence. In other issues, Bayh is pro death penalty, anti Bush tax cuts, pro private accounts for Social Security, and pro alternative energy research.

As for where he gets the cash to run his campaigns, Bayh received about 63% of his 2004 Senate funds from individuals, about 29% from PACs, and 8% from others. His largest single contributors were the investment bank Goldman Sachs, and Eli Lilly, a pharmaceutical giant based in Indianapolis. The former might give some insight into why he's for private accounts for Social Security, and the latter might explain his support of the 2003 Medicare prescription drug bill.

After a brief yet cursory search, I have yet to uncover any notable gaffes or missteps in Bayh's political career.

Eli Lilly has also played a role in Bayh's personal life. His wife, Susan, now a law professor who serves on several corporate boards, was formerly an attorney with the firm. Evan and Susan have twin boys, Beau (you're kidding me, right?) and Nicholas.

Bayh and Allen are running aggressive but quiet campaigns outside the glare of McCain and Clinton, but I think they will be most likely be on top of their respective tickets come 2008. Bayh is an experienced and very successful politician who has won by record or near-record amounts in a relatively Republican state in every election he's entered. He clearly seems to have the mojo. He appeals to the pro-choice, pro-labor base, but can garner a lot of independent votes with his hawkish stands on the war and securing the homeland. He carries none of Hillary's considerable baggage, and he isn't an also-ran in previous elections like Al Gore, John Edwards, or John Kerry. One of the web sites I checked says he has a $9.5 million campaign fund already amassed. I doubt that he'll ultimately surpass Hillary in fund-raising prowess, but it's a pretty good start if it's true. The main thing keeping Bayh from the top spot is name recognition, but that usually takes care of itself in Iowa and New Hampshire. If you win there, the press has to start paying attention, and I can't see Iowa at least choosing Mrs. Clinton over a Midwestern populist like Bayh.

DAY 995 - A.B.B.

We'll put aside House-Senate Joint Resolution 24 for the time being, since it's been stuck in committee for a year. That might be a bad idea (me putting it aside, I mean. J.R. 24 is definitely a bad idea), but I can't bring myself to contemplate the alternative.

Today's profile will be George Allen, Republican Senator from Virginia. George Felix Allen was born on March 8th, 1952 in Whittier, California, boyhood home of one Richard M. Nixon. Allen's father is the Hall-of-Fame NFL head coach George Allen, who led the Washington Redskins to the Super Bowl and received play-calling suggestions from one, um, Richard M. Nixon, among other accomplishments. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. Allen the younger received a B.A. in History and a J.D. from the University of Virginia.

After college, Allen entered politics, representing Albemarle County in the Virginia House of Delegates from 1983 to 1991. He won a special election in 1991 to fill the vacant 7th District seat in Virginia in the House of Representatives. Allen's term lasted only until 1993 because of redistricting following the 1990 census. George decided to run for Governor of Virginia in 1993, and won. His tenure was limited by statute to only one term, and he left the Governor's office in 1998. In 2000, Allen became a United States Senator, defeating incumbent Chuck Robb in a hotly contested race. Since joining the Senate, Allen has become a member of the Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee, the Small Business and Entrepreneurship Committee, the Foreign Relations Committee and the Energy and Natural Resources Committee.

Like McCain, Allen is a divorcee. His first wife is Anne Patrice Rubel, whom he divorced in 1983. His current wife is Susan Brown Allen. They have been married since 1986, and have three children.

Allen is considered to be a staunch pro-business social conservative who lists Ronald Reagan among his heroes. He receives a 100 percent voting score from such organizations as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Christian Coalition, and the National Right-to-Life Committee, and a zero percent score from the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the National Education Association. His foreign policy views mainly align with President Bush, but any stated position on the war in Iraq (and the greater war on terrorism), other than a boilerplate support for the troops, is conspicuously absent from his web site, despite his position on the Foreign Relations Committee. Allen is said to rely quite often on football metaphors in his speeches, and even carries a football in his official family portrait.

Allen's public missteps include calling the Civil War "a four-year struggle for independence and sovereign rights" in 1997, and in 2005 appearing at Rev. Pat Robertson's Regent University shortly after Robertson said that an "out-of-control judiciary" is more of a threat than Nazi Germany or Al Qaeda. Also in 2005, Allen did attempt to make up somewhat for the Civil War comment by sponsoring a formal Senate apology for not doing enough to stop lynching, which he delivered from the Senate floor.

ABCNews's "The Note" only today quoted a Conservative Political Action Conference straw poll of conservatives mostly aged 18-24 that listed Allen as the front-runner for the 2008 GOP nomination, slightly ahead of McCain. Allen has also been polling at or near the top in several other GOP polls. I would say he's got the best chance to win, given the current make-up of the Republican Party. His conservative views and Reagan worship appeal to the Christian base, and his Southern roots and love of football should sway the NASCAR dads. The 2006 Virginia Senate race is shaping up to be extremely intriguing, however. Allen's initial opposition in the race was Harris Miller, a businessman who heads the Information Technology Association of America, a lobbying group for technology businesses. Miller has come out strongly in favor of voting machines made by Diebold and other companies, making you wonder if either or both parties had something up their sleeves in tabbing him as a candidate. In early polls, Allen was swamping Miller, but then decorated Marine James Webb, former Secretary of the Navy under Reagan, entered the race for the Democrats. If Webb can gather some momentum (and more importantly, lots of cash), win the nomination, challenge Allen to a real race, and even beat him, the entire Republican strategy for 2008 could veer off in a completely unpredictable direction. Webb's candidacy is still very new, though, and it's impossible to say if he has any chance whatsoever.

OPENING CEREMONY

Ok, kids, in honor of the XX Winter Olympiad in Turin/Torino (somebody make up their mind on this, please), Italy, we'll be playing a special game of Make 'Em Rhyme, using various photos I've stolen off the Internet. So, if you're up to it, Make 'Em Rhyme!

DAY 998 - A.B.B.?

Oh. My. God.

DAY 999 - A.B.B.

Today we'll cross the aisle and take a look at the leading Democratic contender to be A.B.B., Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

(I promise these will be more than just Wikiregurgitations once we get to the more obscure hopefuls.)

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was born on October 26th, 1947 in Chicago, IL, and was raised in nearby Park Ridge, IL. Her father Hugh was into textiles and her mother Dorothy was a housewife. She graduated from Maine South High School in 1965 and matriculated at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. She briefly served as the president of the Wellesley College Republicans (a woman after Karl Rove's heart!), but joined the Democratic Party shortly after graduating as valedictorian of her class in 1969. She was the first student to deliver a commencement address at Wellesley, a speech which was chronicled in Life Magazine.

Rodham entered Yale Law School in 1969, where, while working on a number of liberal causes including, among others, Senator Walter Mondale's sub-committee on migrant workers, she met a young, dashing law student by the name of Bill Clinton. The two were married in 1975, two years after Hillary received her J.D. from Yale. The couple moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, where Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm and Bill ran for and won the state governership in 1978. Hillary was the first woman to be made a full partner at Rose in 1979, and after Bill suffered his only electoral setback in 1980, the couple returned to the governor's mansion in 1982, where they would remain until 1992. Hillary gave birth to her only child, Chelsea, on February 27th, 1980 (who may or may not be Bill's only child, depending which right-wing conspiracy theorist you talk to). Hillary continued to work for the Rose Law Firm throughout her tenure as Arkansas' First Lady.

Of course, Hillary became the First Lady of the United States when Bill was elected to the presidency in 1992 and again in 1996. Though she worked on many of the traditional issues tackled by First Ladies, such as women's rights and children's issues, Hillary broke significant new ground with her assignment to head the president's Task Force on National Health Care Reform. This assignment proved to be a debacle, as the Task Force issued a confusing and complex plan that failed to gain support in Congress. Hillary was not asked to participate publicly on any substantive issue after this, although she was surely President Clinton's closest and most trusted adviser throughout his two terms in office, which wound down shortly after the infamous Monica Lewinsky sex scandal broke in 1998.

Ever the pioneer, Hillary became the first First Lady to seek, and then to obtain, a Senate seat, winning the 2000 race to replace Daniel Patrick Moynihan in New York, after she and Bill had purchased a house in Chappaqua, NY in tony Westchester County earlier that year. Certainly, Mrs. Clinton's grace and wrought-iron determination amid the Lewinsky scandal played an enormous role in engendering sympathy with New York State voters. During her Senate tenure, Hillary has focused primarily on Homeland Security, especially after the 9/11 attacks occurred in her state, and has continued her interest in universal health care. Politically, Clinton has spent much of the past six years employing her husband's famous "triangulation" strategy, taking policy positions significantly to the right of her supposed liberal constituency while still maintaining favor with that constituency. She was a strong advocate of the war in Afghanistan, voted to authorize force in Iraq (although recently she has been critical of the Bush administration's execution of the war), and has allied herself with noted conservative bomb thrower and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on improving access to medical records. Mrs. Clinton is running for a second term in the Senate in 2006, and appears to be a shoo-in, although it was reported just today that Rove may be helping the current Republican front-runner, Yonkers Mayor John Spencer, which surely sent a shiver down Mrs. Clinton's spine. Karl Rove could have made Jeffrey Dahmer a viable candidate for County Coroner.

Scandal has not evaded Mrs. Clinton nor merely been confined to her husband. In 1979, Mrs. Clinton managed to turn a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into a $100,000 profit with the help of her friend James Blair. This amazing return prompted charges of hidden bribery, none of which were substantiated. In 1993, several long-time employees of the White House Travel Office were fired and allegedly replaced with Clinton cronies. Mrs. Clinton was implicated in the firings, in a scandal known as "TravelGate", but special prosecutor Robert Ray could not find conclusive evidence that she was involved. Also, White House Deputy Counsel Vince Foster committed suicide on July 20th, 1993, a death that numerous conspiracy wackos have attempted to tie to the Clintons, and specifically to Hillary, after it was alleged that files related to the Senate Special Whitewater Committee had been removed from Foster's office on Hillary's orders. And of course there was the Whitewater scandal itself, in which the Clintons were involved in a land speculation deal in Arkansas in 1978. After a $40 million investigation, the Clintons were cleared of any wrongdoing, although the probe did manage to unearth Bill's dalliance with an intern.

Hillary has written several books, including her best-selling 2003 autobiography "Living History". She received a Grammy for the audiobook version of her 1996 book, "It Takes A Village:And Other Lessons Children Teach Us". She is famously a New York Yankees fan, despite her Midwestern upbringing.

Can she win in 2008? The Democratic nomination seems eminently reachable. I don't see another Democrat with near her name recognition, charisma, and campaign apparatus. John Edwards, Al Gore, and John Kerry have all been rejected either by the party or the full electorate or both, making it unlikely that the Democrats will try to recycle them. Evan Bayh is a new face, but as such he has a long way to go to catch up to Mrs. Clinton's almost rock-star status. As for the general election, it seems unlikely that a polarizing figure such as Hillary could out-poll her own husband, who in both 1992 and 1996 failed to receive a majority of the popular vote. In addition, her nomination would unleash a smear/whisper campaign by her rabid opponents the likes of which the republic has never seen nor will likely see again.

THESE LOW APR RATES ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY

Yup. When I think of quality financial instruments, I think of Kramer riding a tricycle.

DAY 1000 - A.B.B.

Today, TCP is kicking off a new semi-regular feature. In exactly 1000 days, we'll be electing a new president. Thanks to the 22nd Amendment (many, many great and heartfelt thanks, I might add), this president will be Anybody But Bush (hence the A.B.B).

I have no idea what this feature will consist of. I'm doing it mainly because a) I have nothing else to write about, since I won't be repeating last year's hideous experiment of Phillies blogging, and b) it makes me feel good. To see those numbers count down, day by day, will do more to warm my frigid little heart than anything I can imagine.

I guess we can start with a profile of one of the contenders for the 2008 race, Senator John McCain, R-AZ. (Don't let the fact that his is the first profile be an indication of my sympathies...the election is still a long way away.)

Senator John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29th, 1936 in the U.S.-controlled (at the time) Panama Canal Zone. If he were to be elected, he would be the first president ever born outside the United States. Look for the right-wing nut jobs to bring that up during the primaries. A son and grandson of Navy admirals, McCain joined the US Naval Academy in 1954 after attending Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. In 1958, McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students (maybe Bush isn't so dumb after all).

After graduation, McCain became a naval aviator, and served in Vietnam on the USS Forrestal and the Oriskany. He was shot down on October 26th, 1967 and held as a prisoner of war in Hanoi. He remained imprisoned for five-and-a-half years, finally being released in 1973. He received the Silver Star, a Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Flying Cross for his Vietnam service. Can you say "Hanoi Hilton Survivors for Truth"?

After retirement from the Navy in 1981, McCain ran for and won the seat for the First Congressional district of Arizona in 1982. In 1986, McCain won the Arizona Senate seat that Barry Goldwater had vacated when he retired. McCain has since been re-elected to the Senate three more times, the most recent in 2004.

Early in his tenure in the Senate, McCain was tabbed as one of the notorious "Keating Five", a group of Senators who received cash and favors from savings & loan operator Charles Keating. McCain was eventually exonerated for his role, and ever since has spent a great deal of time on campaign finance reform, culminating in the passing of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, also known as the McCain-Feingold Act. Among other provisions, this act prohibits "soft money" (unlimited money raised for the parties and not any specific candidate), and bans "issue ads" (ads produced by corporations or labor unions that refer to candidates but do not expressly advocate their election of defeat) in the 60 days prior to a general election of the 30 days prior to a primary election. The results of the act have been generally weak. Both parties have used a loophole in the act that allows for the raising of unlimited money by what are called 527 organizations, such as MoveOn.org and the ironically named "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth", both of which played a significant role in the 2004 presidential election.

McCain ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2000. Prior to the South Carolina primary, campaign workers for George W. Bush called South Carolina voters and asked then if they knew that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child and that he and his wife were raising the child in their home. The Bush workers were referring to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter, Bridget, whom McCain and his wife Cindy had found in an orphanage run by Mother Teresa. Nice. Due to this and many other questionable campaign tactics by the Bush team, McCain's early lead in the primaries was wiped out, and George W. Bush vaulted into the nomination.

Personally, McCain has been married twice, first to model Carol Shepp, whom he divorced in 1980, and then to his current wife, beer distributorship heiress Cindy Hensley McCain. McCain has fathered five children, one with Carol, and four with Cindy. In addition to Bridget, he also adopted Carol's two sons from a previous marriage.

The divorce and remarriage will likely be a significant story in the 2008 campaign. Shepp was involved in an auto accident while McCain was being held prisoner which left her on crutches and with a significant weight gain. McCain admits to engaging in extramarital affairs between the time he arrived home in 1973 and his divorce in 1980, and was likely having an affair with Cindy before the divorce was finalized.
Cindy herself has had some personal setbacks, including an admitted addiction to painkillers, and a recent stroke.

McCain has had a few other notable gaffes in his career. In 1998, he joked at a Republican fundraiser, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." In 2000, he told reporters on his "Straight Talk Express" campaign bus that "I hate the gooks.... I will hate them as long as I live". He was forced to apologize for both remarks.

McCain has appeared in several films and TV shows, befitting his apparent love of pop culture. His resume includes cameos in "The Wedding Crashers" and "24", frequent guest stints on "The Daily Show" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien", and hosting "Saturday Night Live".

I'd have to say at this point, McCain would be the front runner for the Republican nomination if there weren't such pesky things as primaries and convention delegates. Unfortunately for McCain, these institutions are controlled by evangelical Christian conservatives in many parts of the country, and they do not necessarily take kindly to McCain's moderate voting history, his desire for campaign finance and other reforms, and the seeming embrace of him by many high-profile left-wing and moderate celebrities. McCain made a concerted effort during the 2004 campaign to assuage some of the fears of the Christian right, aligning himself strongly with President Bush and the war in Iraq. The recent revelations about the Bush administration possibly engaging in torture and illegal domestic surveillance and McCain's sharp opposition to both programs, however, have helped distance McCain from the President and could deeply hurt his chances in 2008. Another factor is McCain's age. He will be 72 in 2008, which is three years older than the oldest elected president, Ronald Reagan, was in 1980.

Many thanks to Wikipedia, from which most of this was brazenly lifted.

NOW SHUT UP AND GO HOME

My grade for the Broncos performance against the Steelers yesterday?

IN - COM - PLETE!!!

Wah, wah, waaaahhhhh.

SHOW ME THE NEXT OVERUSED LINE OF MOVIE DIALOGUE!

"I wish I could quit you!"

Pass it on.

Hey, Blogger tells me that this is my 271st post since TCP was re-started after a brief absence.

What? It's a prime number. Isn't it? Yes, it is.

DY-NOT-STY

My beloved Patriots run of excellence came to an abrupt and ignominious end Saturday. I knew things were going to go badly, well, when, thanks to the unfortunate inelasticity of Carson Palmer's various left knee ligaments, the Pats became slotted to play the Denver Broncos in Denver. I've been following the Patriots in a most irrational and, frankly, childish manner for over 30 years, and the thought of a road game in Denver never fails to summon dread. We once went from 1966 to 2000 without beating the Broncos on the road. New England was forced to play in Denver three straight times in the 80's without a return visit by the Broncos, and we lost every single game. It became an almost yearly ritual; check the schedule, see when we play the Broncos in Denver, chalk up an L.

During the glorious 2003 season, it appeared the Denver curse was about to manifest itself once more on a Monday night when Bill Belichick ordered an intentional safety to give the Broncos a 26-23 lead with time running out. In a testament to the magic quality of that year, the Broncos muffed the free kick, were forced to punt, and the Pats scored the winning touchdown with seconds remaining. Finally! We've found a way to beat the Broncos - give them a free two points to get back seven for a net five. Whatever works. Then this season we were forced to play Denver in Denver yet again, and we fell behind 28-3 before the idiot Bronco fan who wears a barrel had even sat down (well, he never sits down, but you know what I mean).

So, when the Steelers finished off the Bengals, despair began to set in. I derived little pleasure from the conventional wisdom that the Pats were the champs until somebody knocked them off. To my mind, if anyone could do it, it would be the Broncos, scourge of my Pats fan youth. Finally, game day arrived, and after watching the Seahawks dispatch the Redskins, I prepared for the difficult task ahead. Then, with 15 minutes to kickoff...the cable went out! Huh? I looked outside. It was a bit windy. Ok, it was gusting pretty good, but not exactly a Category 3 or anything. I checked the channels again on the downstairs TV, then raced upstairs to check the set in the bedroom. Nothing. NO! If I have to see this thing end, I at least want to SEE this thing end! We don't have an antenna, and we're too far from Philly to get a decent over-the-air signal without one. Well, no problem. I purchased Sirius satellite radio prior to the 2004 season so I could catch all the Patriots play-by-play when they weren't on national TV. I hooked up the home receiver to my computer speakers and listened to the last few minutes of the TD Banknorth pre-game show in my home office while playing Spider Solitaire.

The game started, and the teams traded punts a couple of times in what sounded like a tough field-position battle. I figured the cable would be restored by halftime, and I could watch the second half in high-definition crispness. And then, of course...the power went out!!!! You've got to be kidding me. All my years as a Patriots fan, all my suffering, all my ranting at bad play calling, bad coaching, bad players, bad officiating, all my pounding of tables and punching of walls, all that sorrow and pain, all of which had been miraculously reversed by three joyous Super Bowl celebrations, and now the dynasty was going to end with...me sitting in my car, listening on the satellite radio? Oh, the agony.

It started out well enough, me shivering in my Subaru, parked in the community parking area a few yards from my house. By this time, the wind was now blowing 30-40 mph, and snow was falling. I got bored sitting there, so I drove around the neighborhood to see why the power was out. It looked like a tree had fallen a mile or two down the road, knocking out the juice to a relatively small section of houses of which mine was one. That figures. As for the game, Adam Vinatieri connected on a 40-yard field goal to make it 3-0. And then The Weirdness started. With about 2 minutes left in the half, Kevin Faulk fumbled after running for a first down, and Denver recovered on the Pats' 40. On the next play, Asante Samuel was flagged for what Gil Santos and Gino Cappelletti both called a terrible pass interference penalty in the end zone, and the Broncos immediately scored a 1-yard touchdown to go ahead 7-3. Ellis Hobbs then fumbled the kickoff, and the Broncos added a 50-yard Jason Elam field goal for a 10-3 halftime lead.

Since I hate halftime shows, I scanned the satellite channels for some brief diversion until the second half kickoff. In another example of eerie foreshadowing, the comedy channel had on a live version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot Sketch". I could only imagine John Cleese saying, "This...is an Ex-Super Bowl Champion!."

The second half started well, with the Pats holding the Broncos, and then adding a 32-yard field goal to make it 10-6. We were stopping Denver's running game, and we were moving the ball well on offense, but we weren't quite able to get it in the end zone. If we could cut down on the turnovers, and punch it in once or twice, we had a decent shot to win the game. Tom Brady drove the Pats down field again late in the 3rd quarter, and after a Corey Dillon run, we had first and goal on the five. Quickly, we took an illegal procedure penalty to push us back to the 10, and then after a 5-yard pass play, it was second and 5. Brady then missed David Givens on a short pass, setting up third and goal on the five. It seemed like we'd have to settle for another field goal at worst, but we still had an opportunity to take the lead if we could find Mike Vrabel or Deion Branch alone in the end zone as we had so many times in the past. Brady dropped back, rolled to his right, and fired a pass toward Troy Brown.

Yes, John, this is an ex-Super Bowl Champion.

Champ Bailey stepped in front of the pass, grabbed it, and ran 100 yards down the sideline until tight end Ben Watson forced a fumble out-of-bounds around the goal line and possibly out of the end zone. There was a review of the play, but I never had a doubt after listening to Gino and Gil. We weren't going to get a miracle reversal. The Broncos maintained possession, and scored another touchdown on the next play to effectively end the New England season. I stayed in the car until Troy Brown fumbled away a punt at the Pats' 15 yard line, and Denver quickly converted that miscue for another 7 points. As if to further mock me, PECO restored power at 11:30 pm, and I was able to tune in just in time to see the Broncos begin their victory kneels.

If nothing else, I will always remember where I was the night the Patriots' dynasty ended: sitting in my fogged-up Subaru, outside of my darkened house, screaming at Champ Bailey. Somehow, now that I think of it, it seems fitting.

CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE

George Bush met with 13 former Secretaries of Defense and State at the White House yesterday, "allowing five to 10 minutes for interchange before herding the whole group into the Oval Office for what he called a 'family picture'", according to the Sydney Herald.

Here is a rush transcript of the meeting.

BUSH: Ok, everybody, you have 5 to 10 minutes to critique me on the war. Ladies first. Mad Dog?

Madeleine Albright: Are you referring to me, Mr. President?

BUSH: Who else would it be? Heh-heh

Albright: Um, ok. Well, Mr. President, isn't the war in Iraq taking up all the energy of your foreign policy team? I feel that you've let the nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea spin out of control and allowed Latin America and China policy to suffer by neglect.

BUSH: Next! Eagle-man?

Lawrence Eagleburger: Well, sir, your father may have been correct when...

BUSH: Next! Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Here?

Alexander Haig: You're doing fantastic things in Iraq, Mr. President.

BUSH: Go on.

Haig: That's all I have prepared.

BUSH. Ok, ok. Good enough. Brownie? Whoops, I better not use that nickname. Got me in trouble. Harry-guy?

Harold Brown: Mr. President, I don't feel that your administration is doing enough to address the humanitarian crisis...

BUSH: Next! Sergeant Schultz?

George Schultz: I know nothing!

BUSH: Ha-ha! I love that bit.

George Schultz: Seriously, Mr. President, I don't really know anything.

BUSH: I can sympathize. Mack-Daddy?

Robert MacNamara: Have you seen the film "Fog of War", Mr. President?

BUSH: No, was Arnold Schwarzenegger in it?

MacNamara: No, sir, "Fog Of War" is a documentary where I lay out the 11 lessons I learned from the Vietnam War.

BUSH: If it's not on DVD, I probably missed it. The Secret Service makes a run to Blockbuster every Friday. Mostly new releases, although I like them old westerns. Man, I don't know how they cleared all that brush back in those days without chain saws.

MacNamara: In any event, sir, I recommend that you screen it some day.

BUSH: Thanks, Mack-Daddy. Will do. I have a Gabby Hayes retrospectacle coming up on the schedule next weekend. I'll see if they can slip it in to break up the monogamy. Balloonfoot?

Colin Powell: (silence)

BUSH: Ok, I get it. You never did like that nickname, didja? Ok, Colin, what ya got.

Powell: (more silence)

BUSH: Fair enough. Wasn't like I was gonna listen anyway. (Looks down at watchless wrist) Ok, folks, time's up, off to the Oval to get our family picture taken. Jeez, Colin, at least smile for the camera, will ya?

FAST FRIENDS

Pat, meet Mahmoud. Mahmoud, Pat.

THUS BEGINS THE YEAR A.T. 40

Hey, every search bot, Annika Sorenstam nude hopeful (Still hoping, after all these years! You have to admire that), and one or two actual readers, it's my birthday!

This day in my history:

2004: I forget. My short-term memory is shot.

2003: My wife makes me go to someone else's birthday party. I'm still pissed about that.

1999: Ah, the flu. It's what makes the Northeast great!

1998: My last birthday in Texas. I think we ate Mexican or something. Not a Mexican, silly, Mexican food.

1993: My last birthday as a single idiot. I distinctly remember something about Miss January.

1988: I turn 21. I celebrate by doing 21 shots of Snapple. I'm a wild man, I'm telling you.

1983: I spent the day puking my guts out after drinking cherry Kool-Aid and apparently tainted Wise Bar-B-Q potato chips. It looked like the shower scene from "Psycho" was filmed in our upstairs toilet bowl.

1979: Yet another birthday while on Christmas break. Nobody ever baked me no freakin' cupcakes!

1975: I get like three kids to my birthday party, and they're only there for the entertainment. Well, it was Foghat, so I'll give them that. Actually, I told them it was Foghat, when it was really my brother lip-synching to his 8-track player.

1973: We go over to my Grandma's apartment, where she gives me a knitted wool hat. I get her back years later by giving her a 6-outlet surge protector for Christmas.

1970: My birthday is forgotten by my arch-conservative parents in all the "Thank God the 60's are finally over" hub-bub. Well, I certainly didn't remember it, anyway.

1967: At 11:54 PM, I finally slide on out. Gotta keep them in suspense.

Anything prior to that, of course, is immaterial.

FINALLY

I found myself at the Eagles game last night at Lincoln Financial Field (don't ask), and for once, someone showed some originality in the crowd while displaying a sign. The Eagles were trying to stop the Redskins from scoring, and something very similar to this flashed on the Jumbotron:



I can't help myself, I just love it.

YEAR

Once again, the inimitable (or as President Bush would say, inimitibubble) Jodi has proffered yet another brilliant idea to the blogosphere (or blogotorus, as I call it. How do we know it's a sphere?). She is posting her 2005 Year in Review by quoting the first sentence posted in the Jodiverse for each month of the year. Not to be out-retarded, TCP will be quoting the first word posted each month, and then forming a sentence with those words.

Ladies, gentlemen, and searchers of nude Merlin Olsen photos, I give you the 2005 Year in Review:

I Bill Tiger hey we as quickly infuriating leapin' I I that's.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

YA-HOOO-OOO!

Hey, my 30,000th page visit happened today. It was: a Yahoo! web search bot! I think search bots account for roughly 20,000 of my page visits to date.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I'm going to the second of my three holiday (I mean Christmas, sorry Bill) lunches this week. I'll bring back some leftovers just for my blog readers. Meaning I'll eat every damned morsel, or ort for you crossword puzzle fans.

I promise some spectacular blogeration during the week after Christmas when I'm on vacation, unless I decide to start following the return of Rick Springfield to General Hospital. I wouldn't expect much out of me, is what I'm saying.

TCP'S THIRD ANNUAL NBA/NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA OR THE NHL

That's what great about blog longevity. You can keep recycling crap from the past, and it looks new!

From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.

NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.

New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.

Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.

Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.

Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!

Central Division

Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.

Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.

Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.

Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.

Southeast Division

Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.

Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).

Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.

Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".

Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.

Western Conference
Northeast Division

Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.

Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.

Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.

Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.

Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.

Pacific Division

LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.

LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?

Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!

Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.

Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?

Southeast Division

San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.

Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.

Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.

New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.

Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.

Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.

NHL

I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.

Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.

BLATANT PLACEHOLDER

Ok, Google-primates, Annika Sorenstam is not only not nude, she's loaning out clothes for other people to wear.



And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!

FOUND ITEM: A LETTER TO SANTA, BY JUDY MILLER (AGE 7)

(Yeah, I know, she's Jewish, but you have to figure she was playing both sides of the street even then)

Dear Mr. Claus,

I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".

Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.

Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.

To that end, here are my gift requests:

1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)

Judy

THE PERFECT STORY

I have detested the cliche "the perfect storm" ever since I first heard it used to describe something other than the film of the same name, but for a male football fan like myself, this Sapphic NFL Cheerleader story is very hard to characterize with a phrase that doesn't involve the word "perfect".

In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.

A couple of things:

If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"

Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.

The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.

POT: "KETTLE BLACK"

This from today's "ABC News: The Note":

"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"

Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."

TED'S LATEST ADVENTURE

Senator Edward Kennedy tried and failed to rescue some fishermen off the coast of Hyannisport yesterday. The fishermen were later rescued by firefighters.

Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!

Oh, wait, here's one already.

PRAIRIE HOME CUM-PANION

It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)

Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.

Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.

Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)

Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).

The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).

That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)

TODAY'S SOUNDTRACK

For all you Phillies phans out there.

(Yes, I paid the $0.99 on iTunes. It was a special occasion.)

WAIT TIL...WHENEVER

I told you so.

Well, the Phils didn't actually lose to John Patterson or Esteban Freaking Loaiza, but close enough. The whole season came down to one pitch; if Billy Wagner had kept Craig Biggio in the yard, we'd be preparing to play St. Louis right now.

I was hoping by the sheer force of my will in writing this crap, the Phillies would win the World Series, just like with Stewart O'Nan and Stephen King and the Red Sox. As I now know, "hope", "Phillies", and "World Series" are not compatible terms, at least while Ed Wade pulls down a paycheck.

I won't be writing for you next year, except in your comments sections. Have a good off-season, and keep the phaith, because somebody has to.

FINAL WEAK

After last night's ignominious defeat at the hands of the also-ran Mets, it appears the Phils will be coming up short of the postseason once again.

Last night, I helped Quest For Tech and Charity In Action load an 18-wheeler full of PC's destined for a school down in Biloxi, MS that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am campaigning for a pat on the back. My aching back needs all the pats it can get right now). On the way home, I was listening to the rain delay call-in show hosted by Phillies announcers (and loyal employees) Scott Graham and Tom McCarthy. Scott and Tom were defending the current regime with gusto, and berating the audience for not showing up at the park to support "this wonderful team". Somewhere on the Blue Route, I snapped.

You want to me to support this team? Well, I have been supporting this team, for eight seasons now. I got here about the same time as Ed Wade. In each of those eight seasons, the Phillies have finished behind the Braves. The Braves have won the division every year since the divisions became constituted as they currently are. I have come to the conclusion that the Braves know what they are doing. It's not that the Phillies are totally clueless. They usually field winning teams with decent talent that, especially this season, play hard. But the yardstick is the Braves, and against that measurement, the Phillies just aren't good enough. They haven't been for over a decade.

Now, I feel like a shareholder in this corporation that is the Phillies. Obviously, I don't own stock - the ownership group isn't set up that way, and the barrier to becoming part of that group is too high, and the best I could do would be to become a limited partner, which means I would have no say in the running of the team anyway - but as a fan I'm a shareholder nonetheless. I buy the merchandise, I go to games (not many, but more than none), I sit through the commercials of the TV and radio advertisers night after night, I write this largely un-read blog, and I have trouble sleeping every time they lose.

As a shareholder, then, all I want is for someone in this organization to be held accountable for the near decade of failure to surpass the Braves. The current management team is led by President and Managing General Partner Dave Montgomery and General manager Ed Wade. Montgomery is a part owner, so he isn't going anywhere, unless he wants to. That leaves one guy.

Ed Wade is a fine human being, a personable man, and is very generous with the media and the fans. But he isn't getting it done. How many years do we have to finish second or worse to the Braves before the Phillies realize that maybe Ed Wade isn't good enough at his job? I'm not demonizing the man. I'm just pointing out that his philosophy for running a baseball team is not effective enough to beat the Braves, and there is no evidence that it ever will be.

So, Scott and Tom, if you want me to show up more often at the park, how about you ask the Phillies to hire a general manager that has a plan to beat the Braves. We've tried Ed Wade's plan for eight years. As Dick Van Patten would say, eight is enough.

GIFTED?

I said I would write when something interesting happened. Something most definitely did.

I hesitate to write about it, since the Phillies have been trying to prove some sort of Baseball Uncertainty Principle with me all season: whenever I watch them (and especially when I write about them), they become a different, always worse, team. Today was no exception. I've been suffering from a back ailment for the last week, and was in no condition to blog for several days even if I wanted to. The back has improved, but I'm still a little logy from the muscle relaxants, and I decided to take a nap after Bobby Abreu waved at Dontrelle Willis' curveball to end the top of the first. It appears I didn't miss much...until the ninth.

In the ninth, an opposing team finally gave to us what we've been giving to everybody else at crucial junctures ever since I've started rooting for the Phillies - a cornucopia of gifts.

Dontrelle was still in there to start the inning, leading 2-0 and seemingly en route to a shutout and his 22nd win. J-Roll led off with a single, J-Mike followed with a walk, and then Abreu reached on an error by Luis Castillo to score Rollins and chase Willis. Then the real Marlins generosity started. Three errors, six singles, and three hapless Florida relievers later, the Phils took a 10-2 lead to the bottom of the ninth (just as I woke up), where Billy Wagner gave up two hits but no runs to finish the game.

Does this really mean anything in the grand scheme of the NL wild card chase? Well, as I write this, Milwaukee is getting pounded by the Astros, so I doubt it. The Astros are still the favorites. They have a nine-game road trip coming up to Pittsburgh, Chicago, and St. Louis, who clinched the NL Central today. The 'Stros have been bad on the road, but the Bucs and Cubs white-flagged it long ago, and the Cards will be trotting out benchies for the rest of the year. The wild card was lost when Craig Biggio hit that Billy Wagner fastball into the fifth row. Still, 10-run ninth innings are rare enough that it makes it hard not to have hope. Until they get skunked by Josh Beckett tomorrow...

See you next time something interesting happens, or the Astros clinch, whichever comes first.

OUTTA HERE

I just want to say, I called Biggio's homer. My wife can sort-of attest, but she was half asleep at the time. We were lying in bed, me watching the game and she desperately trying to catch some much needed shut-eye, when J-Roll failed to nab Willy Taveras at first, and I realized that Craig Biggio was up. I said, quite plainly, "Oh, this is a three-run homer." Boom, there it goes.

No team ever comes back from something like this. It just doesn't happen, ever. And it definitely won't happen with this bunch. As the Phlogosphere as almost unanimously pronounced, these guys just aren't good enough. Even if they summon up some pride and play well from here on in, they are still at the mercy of the Astros, who hold a 2.5 game lead over us and have an easy schedule against mostly weak NL Central teams. C'est finis. It's over.

I'll probably post a few more times this season, such as when the mathematical end comes or if anything interesting happens, but as for the daily game-by-game recap, I'm also done. It's been (mostly) fun. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading everybody else as the season's denouement (what is this, French day?) plays out. TCP will return to posting the usual non-baseball nonsense at the usual schedule, i.e. whenever I get a hair up my ass.

IT'S HANKY TIME

This is where I get off. After last night's bitter defeat, I'm taking a sanity break for the rest of the homestand. If we're still close by the time the Phils head to Miami, I'll check back in.

The Phils dropped their fourth straight overall and 11th straight to last year's wild card winner and this year's wild card favorite, the Houston Astros, 2-1. Craig Biggio and Ryan Howard traded solo homers off starters Jon Lieber and Roy Oswalt until the bottom of the eighth, when Jimmy Rollins led off with what looked like a sure triple. J-Roll inexplicably missed first base, though, and had to retreat back to the bag for a single. Kenny Lofton sacrificed him to second, and after Chase Utley, who looks cooked, struck out, Bobby Abreu was intentionally walked and Pat Burrell also drew a base on balls. Howard couldn't capitalize, however, bouncing out to second to end the inning.

For whatever reason, Charlie Manuel decided to go with Billy Wagner to start the ninth. Wags never looks comfortable in a game he isn't closing, and Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, among others, were available. Wags walked Lance Berkman with one out, and Phil Garner sent in Eric Bruntlett, a dumpy-looking utility infielder with maybe slightly above-average speed to pinch run. Nevertheless, if anybody knows Wagner's limitations holding runners on, it's the Astros, and they took complete advantage. Bruntlett easily swiped second and third as Todd Pratt double-clutched both times trying to make the throw. What a disaster. It's really amazing to watch what a team can do when they actually care about winning and receive the proper coaching. Jason Lane rapped a line single to left to score Bruntlett, and it was pretty much game over.

In the bottom of the ninth, Todd Pratt hit a one-out single off closer Brad Lidge's foot. Manuel properly this time inserted Endy Chavez as the pinch runner. Lidge, like most closers, has about as much trouble holding runners as Wagner. So what does Chavez do? Naturally, he stands by the bag until there are two outs and one strike on J-Roll, and then he finally runs, making it without a throw. Where was that when Tomas Perez was batting? Perez hit a deep fly that didn't look as close to a homer as Harry Kalas thought it was, and was easily caught in front of the warning track by Lane. Immediately after Chavez's belated stolen base, J-Roll swung over a Lidge slider to end the game and send the Phils season even deeper into oblivion.

The loss last night has convinced me that this team is genetically incapable of winning. Jimmy Rollins' stumble over first was the tipping point. What happened, did Wade put the first deposit on his $40 million in cash in front of the bag? A mental error like that at such a crucial juncture is just completely inexcusable. Winners don't miss bases, period. They manage to steal second and third, that's what winners do. And if you put in Chavez, a guy you supposedly acquired for his speed, to pinch run, why is he standing two feet from the bag until it's almost too late?

We're now in third in the wild card race, 1.5 games out and heading downward with a bullet. I'm afraid the Astros are about to do tonight what Johnny Caspar tells all his boys to do, and put that bullet right in the Phillies' brains.

THE ENDY IS NIGH

Why do I let them do this to me? They come back home after treading water on a very difficult road trip, and for some reason I think this year will be different. And then Brett Myers surrenders four runs before recording an out. Why did I not see this coming?

Last night's game was over after the third pitch. Houston's Willy Tavares dribbled a grounder to third, which David Bell, in his haste to throw out the speedy centerfielder, dropped out of his glove for an error. Craig Biggio walked, Morgan Ensberg singled home a run, and then Lance Berkman hit a screaming line drive into about the 12th row in right field for a three-run homer. All this from a team ranking 12th in the NL in runs scored. Andy Pettitte took over and completely bamboozled the Phillies hitters for five and two thirds innings, allowing three hits and no walks. The Phils did get to the Astros setup men in the seventh, scoring two runs off Chad Qualls and Mike Gallo before Michael Tucker ended the threat with a bases-loaded ground out.

The ninth inning was simply infuriating. Facing closer Brad Lidge, Kenny Lofton reached second with one out after Adam Everett threw his slow roller into the stands. Shane Victorino had a terrific at-bat to run the count to 3-2 before grounding weakly to first. Lofton advanced to third, and then scored the third Phillie run on a wild pitch. Ryan Howard, who had earlier pinch hit for the pitcher's spot and had been inserted in a double-switch, was the batter at the time, and he eventually worked out a walk. At that point Charlie Manuel put in Matt Kata as a pinch runner, and kept Endy Chavez on the bench. Why not pinch-run Chavez and let Kata take some hacks? Kata is a switch hitter, which really didn't matter since Houston had used Gallo, their only lefty, earlier, but still, is there something wrong with this guy that he can't swing a bat? Chavez is definitely the faster of the two, and he's been looking completely overmatched at the plate lately (including a dismal .466 OPS vs. righties this season). I mean, there are guys from the Stone Age frozen in glaciers in Greenland who knew that Endy wouldn't be able to touch Brad Lidge, but somehow, Charlie Manuel failed to see it. Of course, J-Roll came up after Howard and drilled a double down the right field line that bounced cleanly off the wall back to Jason Lane, forcing Kata to hold at third. This brought up Game Endy, who did manage to hit a foul ball after it bounced (I won't even go in to why he was swinging at a ball in the dirt, but at least he made contact!) and then waved pathetically at two sliders to give the Astros the 4-3 win and the wild card lead. Dammit!

Tonight, Roy Oswalt will no doubt confound the Phillies for 100 or so pitches as Jon Lieber gives up a few gopher balls. At least on Wednesday we have a chance against Brandon Backe. But then Vicente Padilla will revert back to his early season form and we'll have to slug it out and hope to hang on to a 10-9 lead, which we'll blow somehow. Then Florida and Atlanta will come in and sweep all of their games, and finally, I can stop writing in this wretched blog. I wish. What probably will happen is they'll win three or four games and keep hanging around, two or three games out until the final week, when they'll go to Washington and get stymied by John Patterson and/or Esteban Freaking Loaiza to be mathematically eliminated. And then Ed Wade will get his contract extended by Dave Montgomery until "the sun becomes a red dwarf." And nothing will ever change.

NATIONAL REVIEW

At least the road trip is over. The Phils dropped two of three to the Nats, but remain in the wild card lead by a mere half-game.

Friday was a laugher as soon as David Bell hit his first career grand slam in the third inning to make it 5-1. The Phils tacked on two more and coasted to a 7-1 win behind Vicente Padilla and two relievers.

The Saturday game was a crusher. The Nats took a 2-0 lead off Eude Brito in the first, and added two more in the eighth to hand a 4-1 lead to closer Chad Cordero, who has been virtually untouchable this season. I switched over to watch "Crimson Tide" on one of the hinterland channels in disgust after the two insurance runs. In what has become a recurring theme of this blog, I completely missed the Phillies stirring comeback. While Gene Hackman was recruiting Denzel Washington to help him possibly nuke the Russkies, Ryan Howard hit a two run homer, and Bell hit his second dinger in as many nights to tie it at 4-4. The game dragged on into the twelfth inning (and the movie's second act) after the Phillies blew a bases-loaded one-out opportunity in the 11th when J-Roll couldn't get his grounder past Brad Wilkerson at first. Wilkerson threw home for the force, and the Phils rally died when Kenny Lofton bounced out to short. I was watching Denzel relieve Gene of his captain's duties when Aquilino Lopez gave up Preston Wilson's bleeder over first base to score Jose Guillen with the winning run.

On Sunday, we got up early and headed down to DC for the rubber match. I bought the tickets on eBay because the only available seats from the Nats web site were in the upper deck, and my wife gave me strict instructions to stay on the field level due to her fear of heights. I think she'd rather we stayed on the ground floor of the King of Prussia Mall, but I didn't give her that option. We ended up in short left, eight rows from the field. There were several Phillies fans in the vicinity. I could tell by the faint aroma of hopelessness. And the Utley jerseys. But mostly the hopelessness.

The Phils came into the game in big trouble with their pitching staff. Robbie Tejeda was out with an undisclosed shoulder problem, forcing the scuffling rookie Gavin Floyd to start the game. To add to the woes, the bullpen was shot from last night's 12-inning affair, meaning if Floyd continued to struggle, the options were unappetizing to say the least. What wasn't unappetizing were the RFK french fries. I picked up an order and my wife and I shared them for lunch before gametime. So good. After that high point, the day went down hill. Floyd retired the side in order in the first despite not being able to control his curve. In the second, Preston Wilson belted a leadoff double, and Floyd hit Vinnie Castilla with his unruly breaking ball. Rich Dubee came out for a mound conference, and I think he told Floyd to trust his fastball. Gavin did just that on the first pitch, and Brian Schneider hit it about 390 feet to right to make it 3-0. Thanks, Rich.

Floyd got out of the second inning, and then started getting the curve over for strikes. He had some trouble in the fourth but escaped without damage. Meanwhile, Nats starter Esteban Loaiza was brilliant, benefiting from an enormous Chris Guccione (no relation to Bob, I suppose) strike zone. The lady sitting next to me was worried when David Bell and Mike Lieberthal were due up in the top of the 7th and Loaiza was over 100 pitches. I explained to her about "the black hole", and Bell and Lieby backed me up by going down weakly, followed by Inning Endy Chavez pinch-whiffing for Floyd.

Aaron Fultz came on to face the left-handed Brad Wilkerson in the bottom of the seventh and walked him. On came Mr. Unappetizing, Pedro Liriano. Marlon Byrd pinch hit and laid down a good sac bunt, and then Liriano walked Jose Guillen to put runners on first and second. Preston Wilson then hit a no-doubter that looked that it might never come down from my vantage point. It hit the facing of the upper deck (see photo below) to put the Nats up 6-0. J-Roll and J-Mike broke the shutout with a double and single, and that was it. The Nats won it 6-1.

Tonight we start a 10 game home stand with the Astros, one of the teams directly behind us. Brett Myers faces Andy Pettitte in the opener. Oswalt pitches tomorrow for Houston, but we get Brandon Backe instead of the Rocket on Wednesday.

Enjoy some photos from Sunday's game. If you roll over the photo, there is some text explaining it. You can even see my chicken-scratch scorecard.

MARCH ON WASHINGTON, POSSIBLY LITERALLY

Leapin' lizards, the Phils won the series (you don't see "leapin' lizards" too much anymore, and that's a shame)! Jon Lieber allowed only one run through seven, and David Bell drove in two runs off Tom Glavine in the first inning for all the offense the Phillies would need. Ryan Howard contributed a solo home run for the 3-1 final. Now lose, Houston, damn you. The Nats are next for three over the weekend, and I'm going on Sunday if I can get some gas.

Meanwhile, Jodi challenged her readers to complete this meme, and I can't say no to her. I think I signed a contract in blood at some point when I started blogging. Anyway, here we go.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Gluttony
2) Sloth
3) Greed
4) Pride
5) Envy
6) Lust
7) Hot tranny sex

7 things I can do:
1) The Hokey Pokey, but not well
2) Format a hard drive, sometimes intentionally
3) Create elaborate logos for Strat-o-Matic teams
4) I'm quite good at sabotaging my hopes and dreams with paralyzing fear
5) Justify large purchases of electronic equipment to myself
6) Watch the same movie dozens of times
7) Eat an entire container of macadamia nut caramel popcorn in one day

7 things I cannot do:
1) The pommel horse on a broken leg, despite what Bela Karolyi might say
2) Watch reality television, unless one of the Brady Bunch is somehow involved
3) Root for the Fucking Miami Dolphins (their official name in my house)
4) Understand the ending to "Trading Places"
5) Resist widdoe kitties (oh they're so cute!)
6) Not embarrass myself in front of an auto mechanic
7) Arrive late for anything (I'd be 20 minutes early to my own execution)

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Heartbeat
2) Pulse
3) Breathing
4) Two X chromosomes
5) Breasts
6) Vagina
7) Recognizing and laughing at a "Real Genius" reference

7 things that I say most often:
1) There's J-Roll, swinging at the first pitch...
2) Kitty girl!
3) Fucking iPod!
4) Bite me.
5) I hate myself.
6) Fucking Bill Gates!
7) Nice turn signal, asshole!

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Bobby Abreu
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Liz Phair
4) Dorothy Krysiuk
5) Thalia Assuras
6) Tom Brady
7) Miranda July

There's another section about the 7 people you want to see do this, but I don't know seven people, so I'm skipping it. So sad.

Feel free to complete this meme, at your own peril.

DADDY UTLEY

Hold your horses. Throttle your engines. Cool your jets. Go to impulse power, Mr. Sulu. The Phils won.

Ok, mostly it was me who was panicking, but I have good reason. Pedro Martinez was no match for Chase Utley, who belted a pair homers in an impressive 8-2 victory. Ryan Howard and yes, Mike Lieberthal, contributed solo shots. Brett Myers gave up six hits and a walk in seven innings, giving way to two thirds of the holy trinity, Oogy and Wags, who finished off the Mets with no problems. I was in disposed as usual on Wednesday and only caught the top of the first and the bottom of the seventh onward. The Phillies even managed to overcome an early 2-0 deficit to send Pedro to his sixth defeat. The four homers marked only the third time in his career that he had yielded as many in one game.

Houston won to stay within a half game, but Florida lost, putting them a game back, the Mets 1.5 out and Washington two clear. It'll be Jon Lieber vs. Tom Glavine this afternoon in Flushing. Glavine was 3-2 with a 2.50 ERA in August. His ERA has gotten progressively better each month (except for a slight uptick in June) as we start September. The Phillies lit him up in May when he was scuffling terribly, and he hasn't had much success in the past three seasons against us. Lieber has been OK of late, but the Phils haven't scored a run in his last two starts.

It's looking like I may have to ship those tickets back to that guy in DC the way the gasoline supply is drying up. I work in the oil industry, and obviously I can't divulge much, but things are not looking good. Log on to www.fema.gov and please send a donation to the charity of your choice. Whatever we can give will help get that area back together more quickly so that we can all return to our usual profligate ways. Until then, the people in that area and I'm afraid most of the rest of us as well have a tough six months to a year ahead.

LIKE THE 17TH STREET LEVEE

Oh, the indignities of being a Phillies fan. They're going to do it again for the fourth straight year, and there is nothing we can do about it.

The 2005 Collapse started officially last night, as the Phils dropped a gut-wrenching game to the Mets, 6-4. Kenny Lofton put the Phils on the board in the first with a solo shot, his first since opening day, and after a Bobby Abreu single, Pat Burrell hit number 27 of the season to make it 3-0. The Mets got a solo homer from Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the first, but the Phils answered back with a run in the second using some little ball, with a Mike Lieberthal single, a Robbie Tejeda bunt, and a J-Roll single off Miguel Cairo's glove. Tejeda seemed to settle in at that point, blanking the Mets until the fifth, when Beltran smacked a two-out single to drive in Jose Reyes.

The turning point came in the top of the fifth. Lofton led off with a double over Victor Diaz's head in right, and then Utley hit a sharp single to center. Lofton appeared to get an excellent jump, and was sent home by Bill Dancy. Beltran made an unbelievable peg to the plate, which made the play much closer than it should have been. Lofton was clearly safe, but umpire Fieldin Culbreth had positioned himself between catcher Ramon Castro and the plate, completely missing seeing Lofton's foot slide in under the tag. The call was out, prompting Charlie Manuel, who had a much better view from the third base dugout, to get himself tossed from the game. To top it off, Utley inexplicably failed to move to second on the throw, and the Phils went quietly, well, for the entire rest of the game.

It still looked pretty good after Tejeda got out of the sixth inning without allowing another run, and it was time for Lock, Stock and Barrel. Unfortunately, it turned out more like Larry and Moe, and we never even got to Curly. Madson was wildly ineffective, giving up a double to Castro and eventually loading the bases on a hit-by-pitch and a walk before wild-pitching in the third Mets run. Chris Wheeler actually said something intelligent prior to the hit-by-pitch of Miguel Cairo. Madson had tried to come inside to the right-handed hitting Cairo earlier in the at-bat and just missed plunking him. Wheels noted at that point that since Madson doesn't have a good breaking ball with which to get Cairo fishing on the outer half, coming inside was a foolish and unnecessarily risky maneuver. Sure enough, Lieby called for another inside fastball that hit Cairo on the arm, bringing up the middle of the Mets order. Madson almost got out of it unscathed if not for the wild pitch to our buddy, Yukon Cornelius. Floyd later whiffed on a Madson change-up, which was the pitch he should have thrown to Cairo. It was about at that point I knew the game was lost. I was simply wondering how.

Ugueth Urbina quickly answered that question in the bottom of the eighth. He walked David Wright, who was out stealing second but was called safe, as one would expect by this point. Oogy got rookie Mike Jacobs swinging, but then walked Victor Diaz to bring up the immortal Ramon Castro. Castro has a lifetime BA/OBP/SLG line of .225/.305/.389. Yes, his lifetime slugging percentage is under .400. He was only in there because a real hitter, Mike Piazza, is on the DL. He was the number eight hitter in Willie Randolph's lineup last night. None of that seemed to matter. Oogy dished up a 1-0 fastball right down the middle, which Castro deposited into the left field seats for the coup de grace. This disastrous turn of events is exactly why we're not going to be a championship club. When a guy like Ramon Castro steps up and you absolutely have to get him out, a championship club finds a way to get him out. A team on the verge of yet another cave-in gives up a three-run homer. We now have the definitive answer to which team we are.

Of course, everybody else in the wild card race won. Four teams are now within a half game, with the Nats 1.5 back. We even blew a chance to move up on the Braves. And guess what? Only one of the two or three best pitchers in the last 30 years of baseball history, Pedro Martinez, is starting tonight's game, and he's red hot, not allowing a run in his last two starts. Don't wait, get your 2005 Phillies Collapse Self-Mutilation Kits today!

...And, to keep things in perspective, let's pray for New Orleans, everybody.

SNAKE MIS-HANDLING

Just what I was afraid of. Losing the D'Backs series is pretty much a worst-case scenario. Now, we're clinging to a half-game wild card lead as we enter a stretch of 22 straight games versus winning teams. A game and a half lead wouldn't have been much better, but it would have helped.

Friday's game was a tight one that turned into a blowout. I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing, since I'm stupid like that, but it turned out OK. Chase Utley hit a pair of homers in his first and third at-bats, but Brett Myers couldn't keep the Snakes off the board, and eventually was pulled after the fourth inning due to his general ineffectiveness and recurring temper tantrums. Luckily, we had a fresh bullpen. With the game tied at 3-3 in the seventh after Utley's second homer and with the bases loaded, Jason Michaels hit a sharp grounder to the left of Royce Clayton, who fielded it but couldn't even flip it to second because of the hustling Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bobby Abreu came up next and...

(We interrupt this blog entry for an obscenity-laced diatribe.)

I'm sick to death of hearing how Bobby Abreu can't hit in the clutch, or never gets a big hit, or, according to the drunken old fucker sitting a few rows away from us at Citizens Bank Park the other night, "Abreu is Spanish for 'no heart'". Go fuck yourself. Seriously, place your penis inside your own anus, and then take a picture with your digital camera and post it on the "Hot Or Not" web site, if you can manage it, you stupid fuck. You're probably one of those assholes who booed Mike Schmidt at the Vet all those years as he helped deliver the only Phillies world championship and played himself into the Hall of Fame. We'd be so far out of the playoff race without Abreu, the Rockies would salivate at the thought of playing us. That is all.

...smacked an enormous grand slam to just left of the center field fence to blow the game open at 8-3. That was Bobby's third granny this year. The last Phillie to do so was Gene Freese in 1959. The Phils tacked on three more runs, and newly acquired Aquilino Lopez tossed two hitless innings for the 11-3 final.

Saturday's game...uh, not so good. Jon Lieber was excellent, but Brandon Webb and Jose Valverde were better, shutting out the Phils 2-0. The only runs were provided by Alex Cintron, who hit a nine-iron off his shoelaces just over Bobby's glove and the fence for a two-run homer in the seventh. Webb is a typical pitcher the Phils hate: not overpowering, but with a great sinker that is always around the plate. Valverde then came in and threw molten lava which the Phillies couldn't touch, even when it was right down the middle.

Then came Sunday. In a word, Ugh. Vicente Padilla had no command whatsoever, walking the bases loaded in the third before Shawn Green lifted a grand slam just into the left field seats for 6-2 Arizona lead. The Phils started to chip away until Rheal "Oh, No, Canada!" Cormier gave up four runs in a third of an inning, three of those on a Troy Glaus homer. Final: 10-5. Rheal, make sure to declare any fruits and vegetables at Customs on your way back to Quebec.

So, here we stand, a half-game up on Florida and heading for a three game set on Tuesday at Shea followed by three at RFK. I purchased tickets on e-Bay for the Sunday game in Washington, so that will be a loss. Sorry. I'm jonesing big time for RFK's delicious french fries, plus we just bought a new digital camera that I want to try out. If I am able to take a photo of Rheal Cormier, well, God help us.

NL WORST

I'm pretty stunned that the Phils have won a road series. When was the last time that happened? Well, the last three times before this one actually. Huh? Oh yeah, the NL West. That explains it.

Corey Lidle gave up a run in all three innings in which I was awake last night. Then I went to sleep, and Charlie took him out after four. How did he know it was OK to stop torturing me? Robbie Tejeda and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore pitched the final five innings of scoreless ball, and the Phils scored single runs in the fifth, sixth, and eighth to win 7-4. Abreu, Lofton and Bell had three hits apiece off Bad Brad Hennessey and the beastly Giants bullpen. Now it's on to the final NL West punching bag, Arizona. The Mets recently put up 32 runs in their final two games at the BOB. I'd settle for 30 in three.

The wild card lead has been stretched to a whopping 1.5 games. Am I still sleeping?

IT'S TOO LATE

We won a road game! I'll feel better if we win the series, naturally, but I'll take it. Ryan Howard had a career night, smacking four hits, including a solo smash off the forgettable Brett Tomko. The Phillies sprinted to a 5-1 lead early and put the game away with a four-run seventh and added a single run in the ninth for a 10-2 final. Vicente Padilla went eight strong innings to continue his mid-season run of excellence. The Astros lost again, so we're back in front for the wild card. I wish I could stay up tonight, but I know if I did, we'd lose in some hideous fashion in extra innings and I'd spend all day tomorrow alternately exhausted and in a state of despair and regret. Not that that would be any different than usual, but still.

GIANT NOTHING

And so it begins. The Phils tripped out of the gate in San Fran with a 5-0 blanking by Noah Lowry. At least he's on my Strat team. This is going to be a bad two weeks.

BUCCO SUCK-O

It's been a while since I checked in with the Phils, due to a vacation day on Friday spent trying to get our car inspected for less than $1,000 (successful, no thanks to the dealer) and trying to get Comcast to fix my sporadic cable modem connection (unsuccessful, so far).

On Thursday, the Phillies split the day/night doubleheader with the Nationals. They took the day game 2-1 behind Vicente Padilla and Plains, Trains, and Automobiles. In the nightcap, Charlie Manuel attempted to use Oogie Urbina three times within 24 hours to disastrous effect, as Oogie blew a 4-3 lead on a double, a couple of singles, and a crucial missed cut-off throw by Pat Burrell to give the Nats the 5-4 win.

My wife and I attended Friday night's game (I forgot my camera, sorry), which was "Disability Awareness Night". The Phillies celebrated by playing like a bunch of quadriplegics, absorbing an 11-2 pounding that was not as close as the score would indicate. In addition, it rained for about three solid innings. Boy, can I pick 'em. Robbie Tejeda looked suspiciously like that guy who had a 5+ ERA in Reading last year. Maybe the aliens have switched their bodies back. At least the grub at Bull's was good.

Saturday and Sunday were more pleasant, I guess because I was not at the park. On Saturday, Chase Utley tripled in two runs in the fourth, and Brett Myers went the route for a 6-1 final. For the series finale Sunday, Eude Brito made his long-awaited debut as a Phillie, starting and going five innings, allowing only a Brad Eldred homer, two other hits, and a walk. Frenchie Cormier rapidly gave up the tying runs in the sixth to make it 3-3, but then Bobby Abreu hit a clutch double down the right field line to score Jason Michaels from first base with two outs in the seventh. Michaels executed a perfect slide to touch the plate with his hand and avoid the tag from catcher Ryan Doumit. Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll came through again to finish out the 4-3 victory. Wags now has 30 saves.

Monday morning's standings have the Phils maintaining a half-game lead for the wild card over Houston, who took two of three from the bumbling Brewers. The division lead is suddenly down to only 3.5 games after Atlanta went on a 4-6 run over the last 10 games, but since we never beat the Braves head-to-head, I'm still saying that race is over. The wild card, well, it might be over soon. The Phils start a 12-game, bi-coastal road trip tonight in San Francisco. This is pretty much the season, right here. If the Phils go worse than 6-6, they may never recover. The first six games are extremely winnable, against the struggling Giants and D'Backs. The last six, though, should be brutal, against the tough-at-home Nats and the always annoying Cornelius Floyd and the Mets. Houston is also on the west coast, vs. the Padres and Dodgers, but they come right back home to play the pathetic Reds. We won't get a break in the schedule there until Houston hosts St. Louis in early September, by which time the Cards may have come within a few games of clinching the division. It only gets worse after that. The only games Houston has scheduled against winning teams in September are three here with us, four at home with Florida, and two very late games with the sure-to-be resting Cardinals. Meanwhile, we have to traverse the Sunni Triangle that is the NL East, with our only respite being three games at Cincinnati.

Well, I'll do my part. No more Citizens Bank Park for me this year.