MORE STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME
In this continuing feature, here is another e-mail from my brother-in-law, who is "keeping it real" deep-in-a-hearta.
Monday, March 24, 2003
MERCAPTAN OF INDUSTRY
My wife, seemingly along with the rest of a tired, weary nation, has finally succumbed to the Atkins Diet. Since I approach most things in my marriage much like the French approached World War II (quick surrender followed by a plucky underground resistance), I am also, for the time being, on the Atkins Diet. This particular regime entails the consumption of large amounts of protein and limited amounts of carbohydrates. To that end, we have been eating a significant amount of leafy and/or stalky green vegetables, such as asparagus. Asparagus has a unique property in that it can cause one's, how shall we say, urine, to, how shall we say, stink. Being an industrious sort, and armed with a high-speed link to a world of information, I discovered that the cause of the stinky pee is a chemical compound known as methyl mercaptan. This is the same compound that is mixed with natural gas so that if the gas starts to leak, a foul odor will be detected. Evidently, methyl mercaptan is a by-product of the digestion process, and accumulates in the bladder within minutes of eating the offending sprouts.
Furthermore, it seems that in a study done by someone whose donors have far more money than sense, only about 40% of all adults tested are capable of producing methyl mercaptan in their urine after eating asparagus, and an even smaller percentage can smell the methyl mercaptan they produce. Apparently, this "ability" is genetically determined.
Well, as you may have already gleaned, I'm a producer and a smeller. This is certainly one of the prouder moments of my life. Not only do I now have one recognizable talent, but two!
My wife, seemingly along with the rest of a tired, weary nation, has finally succumbed to the Atkins Diet. Since I approach most things in my marriage much like the French approached World War II (quick surrender followed by a plucky underground resistance), I am also, for the time being, on the Atkins Diet. This particular regime entails the consumption of large amounts of protein and limited amounts of carbohydrates. To that end, we have been eating a significant amount of leafy and/or stalky green vegetables, such as asparagus. Asparagus has a unique property in that it can cause one's, how shall we say, urine, to, how shall we say, stink. Being an industrious sort, and armed with a high-speed link to a world of information, I discovered that the cause of the stinky pee is a chemical compound known as methyl mercaptan. This is the same compound that is mixed with natural gas so that if the gas starts to leak, a foul odor will be detected. Evidently, methyl mercaptan is a by-product of the digestion process, and accumulates in the bladder within minutes of eating the offending sprouts.
Furthermore, it seems that in a study done by someone whose donors have far more money than sense, only about 40% of all adults tested are capable of producing methyl mercaptan in their urine after eating asparagus, and an even smaller percentage can smell the methyl mercaptan they produce. Apparently, this "ability" is genetically determined.
Well, as you may have already gleaned, I'm a producer and a smeller. This is certainly one of the prouder moments of my life. Not only do I now have one recognizable talent, but two!
Saturday, March 22, 2003
WI THE FI?
I just got back from Starbucks, where I was testing out my new Wi-Fi wireless modem for my Pocket PC. It works great, but for some reason, I can't update TCP from there.
The fact that this really disappoints me, not to mention that I even tried it to begin with, I believe amply certifies me as one of the biggest geeks in the universe.
I just got back from Starbucks, where I was testing out my new Wi-Fi wireless modem for my Pocket PC. It works great, but for some reason, I can't update TCP from there.
The fact that this really disappoints me, not to mention that I even tried it to begin with, I believe amply certifies me as one of the biggest geeks in the universe.
STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME
My brother-in-law from Texas is a Texas A&M graduate who also works in the oil business. For some unfathomable reason, he e-mails me stuff. In what may just become a recurring item, because God knows I could use some ideas, here is a recent example:
Subject: Dixie Chicks In The News!
TCP, keeping watch on the pulse in the trenches of the man on the street in Middle America since, oh, this afternoon.
My brother-in-law from Texas is a Texas A&M graduate who also works in the oil business. For some unfathomable reason, he e-mails me stuff. In what may just become a recurring item, because God knows I could use some ideas, here is a recent example:
Subject: Dixie Chicks In The News!
TCP, keeping watch on the pulse in the trenches of the man on the street in Middle America since, oh, this afternoon.
Friday, March 21, 2003
SADDAM HAS LEFT THE BUILDING?
In what must be record time, a conspiracy theorist has already spotted possibly deceased Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein pumping gas into his car in the Western United States. "Yup, it was Saddam, all right," claimed unemployed welder Clyde Drucker of Winnemucca, Nevada. "I was picking up a Slurpee at the 7-11, and there was Hussein, filling up his Chrysler Le Baron with hi-test. Damnedest thing I ever saw."
Hussein may have been killed by a precision U.S. bombing raid on Wednesday night, but Drucker is hearing none of it. "Oh, come on, are you kidding me? That's what the government would like you to believe. First it was Roswell, then Elvis, and now this. But I seen him, I'm telling you. He was wearing jeans, an 'Old Navy' t-shirt, and snakeskin boots. Now how could I make that up?" The FBI and CIA have refused comment. "See?" asked Drucker.
In what must be record time, a conspiracy theorist has already spotted possibly deceased Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein pumping gas into his car in the Western United States. "Yup, it was Saddam, all right," claimed unemployed welder Clyde Drucker of Winnemucca, Nevada. "I was picking up a Slurpee at the 7-11, and there was Hussein, filling up his Chrysler Le Baron with hi-test. Damnedest thing I ever saw."
Hussein may have been killed by a precision U.S. bombing raid on Wednesday night, but Drucker is hearing none of it. "Oh, come on, are you kidding me? That's what the government would like you to believe. First it was Roswell, then Elvis, and now this. But I seen him, I'm telling you. He was wearing jeans, an 'Old Navy' t-shirt, and snakeskin boots. Now how could I make that up?" The FBI and CIA have refused comment. "See?" asked Drucker.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
MARCH MADNESS!
Ok, everybody, get your brackets and your entry fee back to me by tonight at 8 PM. I've filled in the first "casualty" already, for your convenience.
Ok, everybody, get your brackets and your entry fee back to me by tonight at 8 PM. I've filled in the first "casualty" already, for your convenience.
Monday, March 17, 2003
IT'S OK. RUMSFELD WILL TELL US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY
All I can say for our intrepid network journalists is: Ernie Pyle and Ed Murrow they ain't.
All I can say for our intrepid network journalists is: Ernie Pyle and Ed Murrow they ain't.
Friday, March 14, 2003
MEANWHILE AT NEVERLAND, MICHAEL JACKSON ASKS HIMSELF "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"
Gotta love those crazy Northwest flight attendants.
Gotta love those crazy Northwest flight attendants.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
TOP TEN WAYS TEXAS IS COMMEMORATING ITS 300TH EXECUTION
10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".
9.
audblog audio post
8.audblog audio post
7.audblog audio post
6.audblog audio post
5.audblog audio post
4.audblog audio post
3.audblog audio post
2.audblog audio post
And the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:
1.audblog audio post
Well, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.
10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".
9.
audblog audio post8.
audblog audio post7.
audblog audio post6.
audblog audio post5.
audblog audio post4.
audblog audio post3.
audblog audio post2.
audblog audio postAnd the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:
1.
audblog audio postWell, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
ONLY TEN MORE TO GO!!!
Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.
audblog audio post
You don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.
Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.
audblog audio postYou don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.
Monday, March 10, 2003
THE GREATEST AUDIO BLOG POST EVER
audblog audio post
Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!
audblog audio postSatisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!
Friday, March 07, 2003
SICK OF SIGMA
Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.
In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.
audblog audio post
Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.
In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.
audblog audio postTuesday, March 04, 2003
SAILING TAKES ME AWAY
Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.
To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!
Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.
Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.
To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!
Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.
Monday, March 03, 2003
CAN YOU DO JACK NICHOLSON?
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:
Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.
Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:
Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:
Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.
Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:
Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
REFINERY WEEKLY NEWS & NOTES
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Monday, February 24, 2003
YO! SOUTH PHILLY SALUTES YA
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
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