Today we'll cross the aisle and take a look at the leading Democratic contender to be A.B.B., Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).
(I promise these will be more than just Wikiregurgitations once we get to the more obscure hopefuls.)
Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was born on October 26th, 1947 in Chicago, IL, and was raised in nearby Park Ridge, IL. Her father Hugh was into textiles and her mother Dorothy was a housewife. She graduated from Maine South High School in 1965 and matriculated at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. She briefly served as the president of the Wellesley College Republicans (a woman after Karl Rove's heart!), but joined the Democratic Party shortly after graduating as valedictorian of her class in 1969. She was the first student to deliver a commencement address at Wellesley, a speech which was chronicled in Life Magazine.
Rodham entered Yale Law School in 1969, where, while working on a number of liberal causes including, among others, Senator Walter Mondale's sub-committee on migrant workers, she met a young, dashing law student by the name of Bill Clinton. The two were married in 1975, two years after Hillary received her J.D. from Yale. The couple moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, where Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm and Bill ran for and won the state governership in 1978. Hillary was the first woman to be made a full partner at Rose in 1979, and after Bill suffered his only electoral setback in 1980, the couple returned to the governor's mansion in 1982, where they would remain until 1992. Hillary gave birth to her only child, Chelsea, on February 27th, 1980 (who may or may not be Bill's only child, depending which right-wing conspiracy theorist you talk to). Hillary continued to work for the Rose Law Firm throughout her tenure as Arkansas' First Lady.
Of course, Hillary became the First Lady of the United States when Bill was elected to the presidency in 1992 and again in 1996. Though she worked on many of the traditional issues tackled by First Ladies, such as women's rights and children's issues, Hillary broke significant new ground with her assignment to head the president's Task Force on National Health Care Reform. This assignment proved to be a debacle, as the Task Force issued a confusing and complex plan that failed to gain support in Congress. Hillary was not asked to participate publicly on any substantive issue after this, although she was surely President Clinton's closest and most trusted adviser throughout his two terms in office, which wound down shortly after the infamous Monica Lewinsky sex scandal broke in 1998.
Ever the pioneer, Hillary became the first First Lady to seek, and then to obtain, a Senate seat, winning the 2000 race to replace Daniel Patrick Moynihan in New York, after she and Bill had purchased a house in Chappaqua, NY in tony Westchester County earlier that year. Certainly, Mrs. Clinton's grace and wrought-iron determination amid the Lewinsky scandal played an enormous role in engendering sympathy with New York State voters. During her Senate tenure, Hillary has focused primarily on Homeland Security, especially after the 9/11 attacks occurred in her state, and has continued her interest in universal health care. Politically, Clinton has spent much of the past six years employing her husband's famous "triangulation" strategy, taking policy positions significantly to the right of her supposed liberal constituency while still maintaining favor with that constituency. She was a strong advocate of the war in Afghanistan, voted to authorize force in Iraq (although recently she has been critical of the Bush administration's execution of the war), and has allied herself with noted conservative bomb thrower and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on improving access to medical records. Mrs. Clinton is running for a second term in the Senate in 2006, and appears to be a shoo-in, although it was reported just today that Rove may be helping the current Republican front-runner, Yonkers Mayor John Spencer, which surely sent a shiver down Mrs. Clinton's spine. Karl Rove could have made Jeffrey Dahmer a viable candidate for County Coroner.
Scandal has not evaded Mrs. Clinton nor merely been confined to her husband. In 1979, Mrs. Clinton managed to turn a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into a $100,000 profit with the help of her friend James Blair. This amazing return prompted charges of hidden bribery, none of which were substantiated. In 1993, several long-time employees of the White House Travel Office were fired and allegedly replaced with Clinton cronies. Mrs. Clinton was implicated in the firings, in a scandal known as "TravelGate", but special prosecutor Robert Ray could not find conclusive evidence that she was involved. Also, White House Deputy Counsel Vince Foster committed suicide on July 20th, 1993, a death that numerous conspiracy wackos have attempted to tie to the Clintons, and specifically to Hillary, after it was alleged that files related to the Senate Special Whitewater Committee had been removed from Foster's office on Hillary's orders. And of course there was the Whitewater scandal itself, in which the Clintons were involved in a land speculation deal in Arkansas in 1978. After a $40 million investigation, the Clintons were cleared of any wrongdoing, although the probe did manage to unearth Bill's dalliance with an intern.
Hillary has written several books, including her best-selling 2003 autobiography "Living History". She received a Grammy for the audiobook version of her 1996 book, "It Takes A Village:And Other Lessons Children Teach Us". She is famously a New York Yankees fan, despite her Midwestern upbringing.
Can she win in 2008? The Democratic nomination seems eminently reachable. I don't see another Democrat with near her name recognition, charisma, and campaign apparatus. John Edwards, Al Gore, and John Kerry have all been rejected either by the party or the full electorate or both, making it unlikely that the Democrats will try to recycle them. Evan Bayh is a new face, but as such he has a long way to go to catch up to Mrs. Clinton's almost rock-star status. As for the general election, it seems unlikely that a polarizing figure such as Hillary could out-poll her own husband, who in both 1992 and 1996 failed to receive a majority of the popular vote. In addition, her nomination would unleash a smear/whisper campaign by her rabid opponents the likes of which the republic has never seen nor will likely see again.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
THESE LOW APR RATES ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY
Yup. When I think of quality financial instruments, I think of Kramer riding a tricycle.
DAY 1000 - A.B.B.
Today, TCP is kicking off a new semi-regular feature. In exactly 1000 days, we'll be electing a new president. Thanks to the 22nd Amendment (many, many great and heartfelt thanks, I might add), this president will be Anybody But Bush (hence the A.B.B).
I have no idea what this feature will consist of. I'm doing it mainly because a) I have nothing else to write about, since I won't be repeating last year's hideous experiment of Phillies blogging, and b) it makes me feel good. To see those numbers count down, day by day, will do more to warm my frigid little heart than anything I can imagine.
I guess we can start with a profile of one of the contenders for the 2008 race, Senator John McCain, R-AZ. (Don't let the fact that his is the first profile be an indication of my sympathies...the election is still a long way away.)
Senator John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29th, 1936 in the U.S.-controlled (at the time) Panama Canal Zone. If he were to be elected, he would be the first president ever born outside the United States. Look for the right-wing nut jobs to bring that up during the primaries. A son and grandson of Navy admirals, McCain joined the US Naval Academy in 1954 after attending Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. In 1958, McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students (maybe Bush isn't so dumb after all).
After graduation, McCain became a naval aviator, and served in Vietnam on the USS Forrestal and the Oriskany. He was shot down on October 26th, 1967 and held as a prisoner of war in Hanoi. He remained imprisoned for five-and-a-half years, finally being released in 1973. He received the Silver Star, a Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Flying Cross for his Vietnam service. Can you say "Hanoi Hilton Survivors for Truth"?
After retirement from the Navy in 1981, McCain ran for and won the seat for the First Congressional district of Arizona in 1982. In 1986, McCain won the Arizona Senate seat that Barry Goldwater had vacated when he retired. McCain has since been re-elected to the Senate three more times, the most recent in 2004.
Early in his tenure in the Senate, McCain was tabbed as one of the notorious "Keating Five", a group of Senators who received cash and favors from savings & loan operator Charles Keating. McCain was eventually exonerated for his role, and ever since has spent a great deal of time on campaign finance reform, culminating in the passing of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, also known as the McCain-Feingold Act. Among other provisions, this act prohibits "soft money" (unlimited money raised for the parties and not any specific candidate), and bans "issue ads" (ads produced by corporations or labor unions that refer to candidates but do not expressly advocate their election of defeat) in the 60 days prior to a general election of the 30 days prior to a primary election. The results of the act have been generally weak. Both parties have used a loophole in the act that allows for the raising of unlimited money by what are called 527 organizations, such as MoveOn.org and the ironically named "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth", both of which played a significant role in the 2004 presidential election.
McCain ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2000. Prior to the South Carolina primary, campaign workers for George W. Bush called South Carolina voters and asked then if they knew that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child and that he and his wife were raising the child in their home. The Bush workers were referring to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter, Bridget, whom McCain and his wife Cindy had found in an orphanage run by Mother Teresa. Nice. Due to this and many other questionable campaign tactics by the Bush team, McCain's early lead in the primaries was wiped out, and George W. Bush vaulted into the nomination.
Personally, McCain has been married twice, first to model Carol Shepp, whom he divorced in 1980, and then to his current wife, beer distributorship heiress Cindy Hensley McCain. McCain has fathered five children, one with Carol, and four with Cindy. In addition to Bridget, he also adopted Carol's two sons from a previous marriage.
The divorce and remarriage will likely be a significant story in the 2008 campaign. Shepp was involved in an auto accident while McCain was being held prisoner which left her on crutches and with a significant weight gain. McCain admits to engaging in extramarital affairs between the time he arrived home in 1973 and his divorce in 1980, and was likely having an affair with Cindy before the divorce was finalized.
Cindy herself has had some personal setbacks, including an admitted addiction to painkillers, and a recent stroke.
McCain has had a few other notable gaffes in his career. In 1998, he joked at a Republican fundraiser, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." In 2000, he told reporters on his "Straight Talk Express" campaign bus that "I hate the gooks.... I will hate them as long as I live". He was forced to apologize for both remarks.
McCain has appeared in several films and TV shows, befitting his apparent love of pop culture. His resume includes cameos in "The Wedding Crashers" and "24", frequent guest stints on "The Daily Show" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien", and hosting "Saturday Night Live".
I'd have to say at this point, McCain would be the front runner for the Republican nomination if there weren't such pesky things as primaries and convention delegates. Unfortunately for McCain, these institutions are controlled by evangelical Christian conservatives in many parts of the country, and they do not necessarily take kindly to McCain's moderate voting history, his desire for campaign finance and other reforms, and the seeming embrace of him by many high-profile left-wing and moderate celebrities. McCain made a concerted effort during the 2004 campaign to assuage some of the fears of the Christian right, aligning himself strongly with President Bush and the war in Iraq. The recent revelations about the Bush administration possibly engaging in torture and illegal domestic surveillance and McCain's sharp opposition to both programs, however, have helped distance McCain from the President and could deeply hurt his chances in 2008. Another factor is McCain's age. He will be 72 in 2008, which is three years older than the oldest elected president, Ronald Reagan, was in 1980.
Many thanks to Wikipedia, from which most of this was brazenly lifted.
I have no idea what this feature will consist of. I'm doing it mainly because a) I have nothing else to write about, since I won't be repeating last year's hideous experiment of Phillies blogging, and b) it makes me feel good. To see those numbers count down, day by day, will do more to warm my frigid little heart than anything I can imagine.
I guess we can start with a profile of one of the contenders for the 2008 race, Senator John McCain, R-AZ. (Don't let the fact that his is the first profile be an indication of my sympathies...the election is still a long way away.)
Senator John Sidney McCain III was born on August 29th, 1936 in the U.S.-controlled (at the time) Panama Canal Zone. If he were to be elected, he would be the first president ever born outside the United States. Look for the right-wing nut jobs to bring that up during the primaries. A son and grandson of Navy admirals, McCain joined the US Naval Academy in 1954 after attending Episcopal High School in Alexandria, VA. In 1958, McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students (maybe Bush isn't so dumb after all).
After graduation, McCain became a naval aviator, and served in Vietnam on the USS Forrestal and the Oriskany. He was shot down on October 26th, 1967 and held as a prisoner of war in Hanoi. He remained imprisoned for five-and-a-half years, finally being released in 1973. He received the Silver Star, a Bronze Star, the Legion of Merit, the Purple Heart, and a Distinguished Flying Cross for his Vietnam service. Can you say "Hanoi Hilton Survivors for Truth"?
After retirement from the Navy in 1981, McCain ran for and won the seat for the First Congressional district of Arizona in 1982. In 1986, McCain won the Arizona Senate seat that Barry Goldwater had vacated when he retired. McCain has since been re-elected to the Senate three more times, the most recent in 2004.
Early in his tenure in the Senate, McCain was tabbed as one of the notorious "Keating Five", a group of Senators who received cash and favors from savings & loan operator Charles Keating. McCain was eventually exonerated for his role, and ever since has spent a great deal of time on campaign finance reform, culminating in the passing of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002, also known as the McCain-Feingold Act. Among other provisions, this act prohibits "soft money" (unlimited money raised for the parties and not any specific candidate), and bans "issue ads" (ads produced by corporations or labor unions that refer to candidates but do not expressly advocate their election of defeat) in the 60 days prior to a general election of the 30 days prior to a primary election. The results of the act have been generally weak. Both parties have used a loophole in the act that allows for the raising of unlimited money by what are called 527 organizations, such as MoveOn.org and the ironically named "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth", both of which played a significant role in the 2004 presidential election.
McCain ran for the Republican nomination for president in 2000. Prior to the South Carolina primary, campaign workers for George W. Bush called South Carolina voters and asked then if they knew that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child and that he and his wife were raising the child in their home. The Bush workers were referring to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter, Bridget, whom McCain and his wife Cindy had found in an orphanage run by Mother Teresa. Nice. Due to this and many other questionable campaign tactics by the Bush team, McCain's early lead in the primaries was wiped out, and George W. Bush vaulted into the nomination.
Personally, McCain has been married twice, first to model Carol Shepp, whom he divorced in 1980, and then to his current wife, beer distributorship heiress Cindy Hensley McCain. McCain has fathered five children, one with Carol, and four with Cindy. In addition to Bridget, he also adopted Carol's two sons from a previous marriage.
The divorce and remarriage will likely be a significant story in the 2008 campaign. Shepp was involved in an auto accident while McCain was being held prisoner which left her on crutches and with a significant weight gain. McCain admits to engaging in extramarital affairs between the time he arrived home in 1973 and his divorce in 1980, and was likely having an affair with Cindy before the divorce was finalized.
Cindy herself has had some personal setbacks, including an admitted addiction to painkillers, and a recent stroke.
McCain has had a few other notable gaffes in his career. In 1998, he joked at a Republican fundraiser, "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." In 2000, he told reporters on his "Straight Talk Express" campaign bus that "I hate the gooks.... I will hate them as long as I live". He was forced to apologize for both remarks.
McCain has appeared in several films and TV shows, befitting his apparent love of pop culture. His resume includes cameos in "The Wedding Crashers" and "24", frequent guest stints on "The Daily Show" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien", and hosting "Saturday Night Live".
I'd have to say at this point, McCain would be the front runner for the Republican nomination if there weren't such pesky things as primaries and convention delegates. Unfortunately for McCain, these institutions are controlled by evangelical Christian conservatives in many parts of the country, and they do not necessarily take kindly to McCain's moderate voting history, his desire for campaign finance and other reforms, and the seeming embrace of him by many high-profile left-wing and moderate celebrities. McCain made a concerted effort during the 2004 campaign to assuage some of the fears of the Christian right, aligning himself strongly with President Bush and the war in Iraq. The recent revelations about the Bush administration possibly engaging in torture and illegal domestic surveillance and McCain's sharp opposition to both programs, however, have helped distance McCain from the President and could deeply hurt his chances in 2008. Another factor is McCain's age. He will be 72 in 2008, which is three years older than the oldest elected president, Ronald Reagan, was in 1980.
Many thanks to Wikipedia, from which most of this was brazenly lifted.
Monday, January 23, 2006
NOW SHUT UP AND GO HOME
My grade for the Broncos performance against the Steelers yesterday?
IN - COM - PLETE!!!
Wah, wah, waaaahhhhh.
Wah, wah, waaaahhhhh.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
SHOW ME THE NEXT OVERUSED LINE OF MOVIE DIALOGUE!
"I wish I could quit you!"
Pass it on.
Hey, Blogger tells me that this is my 271st post since TCP was re-started after a brief absence.
What? It's a prime number. Isn't it? Yes, it is.
Pass it on.
Hey, Blogger tells me that this is my 271st post since TCP was re-started after a brief absence.
What? It's a prime number. Isn't it? Yes, it is.
Monday, January 16, 2006
DY-NOT-STY
My beloved Patriots run of excellence came to an abrupt and ignominious end Saturday. I knew things were going to go badly, well, when, thanks to the unfortunate inelasticity of Carson Palmer's various left knee ligaments, the Pats became slotted to play the Denver Broncos in Denver. I've been following the Patriots in a most irrational and, frankly, childish manner for over 30 years, and the thought of a road game in Denver never fails to summon dread. We once went from 1966 to 2000 without beating the Broncos on the road. New England was forced to play in Denver three straight times in the 80's without a return visit by the Broncos, and we lost every single game. It became an almost yearly ritual; check the schedule, see when we play the Broncos in Denver, chalk up an L.
During the glorious 2003 season, it appeared the Denver curse was about to manifest itself once more on a Monday night when Bill Belichick ordered an intentional safety to give the Broncos a 26-23 lead with time running out. In a testament to the magic quality of that year, the Broncos muffed the free kick, were forced to punt, and the Pats scored the winning touchdown with seconds remaining. Finally! We've found a way to beat the Broncos - give them a free two points to get back seven for a net five. Whatever works. Then this season we were forced to play Denver in Denver yet again, and we fell behind 28-3 before the idiot Bronco fan who wears a barrel had even sat down (well, he never sits down, but you know what I mean).
So, when the Steelers finished off the Bengals, despair began to set in. I derived little pleasure from the conventional wisdom that the Pats were the champs until somebody knocked them off. To my mind, if anyone could do it, it would be the Broncos, scourge of my Pats fan youth. Finally, game day arrived, and after watching the Seahawks dispatch the Redskins, I prepared for the difficult task ahead. Then, with 15 minutes to kickoff...the cable went out! Huh? I looked outside. It was a bit windy. Ok, it was gusting pretty good, but not exactly a Category 3 or anything. I checked the channels again on the downstairs TV, then raced upstairs to check the set in the bedroom. Nothing. NO! If I have to see this thing end, I at least want to SEE this thing end! We don't have an antenna, and we're too far from Philly to get a decent over-the-air signal without one. Well, no problem. I purchased Sirius satellite radio prior to the 2004 season so I could catch all the Patriots play-by-play when they weren't on national TV. I hooked up the home receiver to my computer speakers and listened to the last few minutes of the TD Banknorth pre-game show in my home office while playing Spider Solitaire.
The game started, and the teams traded punts a couple of times in what sounded like a tough field-position battle. I figured the cable would be restored by halftime, and I could watch the second half in high-definition crispness. And then, of course...the power went out!!!! You've got to be kidding me. All my years as a Patriots fan, all my suffering, all my ranting at bad play calling, bad coaching, bad players, bad officiating, all my pounding of tables and punching of walls, all that sorrow and pain, all of which had been miraculously reversed by three joyous Super Bowl celebrations, and now the dynasty was going to end with...me sitting in my car, listening on the satellite radio? Oh, the agony.
It started out well enough, me shivering in my Subaru, parked in the community parking area a few yards from my house. By this time, the wind was now blowing 30-40 mph, and snow was falling. I got bored sitting there, so I drove around the neighborhood to see why the power was out. It looked like a tree had fallen a mile or two down the road, knocking out the juice to a relatively small section of houses of which mine was one. That figures. As for the game, Adam Vinatieri connected on a 40-yard field goal to make it 3-0. And then The Weirdness started. With about 2 minutes left in the half, Kevin Faulk fumbled after running for a first down, and Denver recovered on the Pats' 40. On the next play, Asante Samuel was flagged for what Gil Santos and Gino Cappelletti both called a terrible pass interference penalty in the end zone, and the Broncos immediately scored a 1-yard touchdown to go ahead 7-3. Ellis Hobbs then fumbled the kickoff, and the Broncos added a 50-yard Jason Elam field goal for a 10-3 halftime lead.
Since I hate halftime shows, I scanned the satellite channels for some brief diversion until the second half kickoff. In another example of eerie foreshadowing, the comedy channel had on a live version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot Sketch". I could only imagine John Cleese saying, "This...is an Ex-Super Bowl Champion!."
The second half started well, with the Pats holding the Broncos, and then adding a 32-yard field goal to make it 10-6. We were stopping Denver's running game, and we were moving the ball well on offense, but we weren't quite able to get it in the end zone. If we could cut down on the turnovers, and punch it in once or twice, we had a decent shot to win the game. Tom Brady drove the Pats down field again late in the 3rd quarter, and after a Corey Dillon run, we had first and goal on the five. Quickly, we took an illegal procedure penalty to push us back to the 10, and then after a 5-yard pass play, it was second and 5. Brady then missed David Givens on a short pass, setting up third and goal on the five. It seemed like we'd have to settle for another field goal at worst, but we still had an opportunity to take the lead if we could find Mike Vrabel or Deion Branch alone in the end zone as we had so many times in the past. Brady dropped back, rolled to his right, and fired a pass toward Troy Brown.
Yes, John, this is an ex-Super Bowl Champion.
Champ Bailey stepped in front of the pass, grabbed it, and ran 100 yards down the sideline until tight end Ben Watson forced a fumble out-of-bounds around the goal line and possibly out of the end zone. There was a review of the play, but I never had a doubt after listening to Gino and Gil. We weren't going to get a miracle reversal. The Broncos maintained possession, and scored another touchdown on the next play to effectively end the New England season. I stayed in the car until Troy Brown fumbled away a punt at the Pats' 15 yard line, and Denver quickly converted that miscue for another 7 points. As if to further mock me, PECO restored power at 11:30 pm, and I was able to tune in just in time to see the Broncos begin their victory kneels.
If nothing else, I will always remember where I was the night the Patriots' dynasty ended: sitting in my fogged-up Subaru, outside of my darkened house, screaming at Champ Bailey. Somehow, now that I think of it, it seems fitting.
During the glorious 2003 season, it appeared the Denver curse was about to manifest itself once more on a Monday night when Bill Belichick ordered an intentional safety to give the Broncos a 26-23 lead with time running out. In a testament to the magic quality of that year, the Broncos muffed the free kick, were forced to punt, and the Pats scored the winning touchdown with seconds remaining. Finally! We've found a way to beat the Broncos - give them a free two points to get back seven for a net five. Whatever works. Then this season we were forced to play Denver in Denver yet again, and we fell behind 28-3 before the idiot Bronco fan who wears a barrel had even sat down (well, he never sits down, but you know what I mean).
So, when the Steelers finished off the Bengals, despair began to set in. I derived little pleasure from the conventional wisdom that the Pats were the champs until somebody knocked them off. To my mind, if anyone could do it, it would be the Broncos, scourge of my Pats fan youth. Finally, game day arrived, and after watching the Seahawks dispatch the Redskins, I prepared for the difficult task ahead. Then, with 15 minutes to kickoff...the cable went out! Huh? I looked outside. It was a bit windy. Ok, it was gusting pretty good, but not exactly a Category 3 or anything. I checked the channels again on the downstairs TV, then raced upstairs to check the set in the bedroom. Nothing. NO! If I have to see this thing end, I at least want to SEE this thing end! We don't have an antenna, and we're too far from Philly to get a decent over-the-air signal without one. Well, no problem. I purchased Sirius satellite radio prior to the 2004 season so I could catch all the Patriots play-by-play when they weren't on national TV. I hooked up the home receiver to my computer speakers and listened to the last few minutes of the TD Banknorth pre-game show in my home office while playing Spider Solitaire.
The game started, and the teams traded punts a couple of times in what sounded like a tough field-position battle. I figured the cable would be restored by halftime, and I could watch the second half in high-definition crispness. And then, of course...the power went out!!!! You've got to be kidding me. All my years as a Patriots fan, all my suffering, all my ranting at bad play calling, bad coaching, bad players, bad officiating, all my pounding of tables and punching of walls, all that sorrow and pain, all of which had been miraculously reversed by three joyous Super Bowl celebrations, and now the dynasty was going to end with...me sitting in my car, listening on the satellite radio? Oh, the agony.
It started out well enough, me shivering in my Subaru, parked in the community parking area a few yards from my house. By this time, the wind was now blowing 30-40 mph, and snow was falling. I got bored sitting there, so I drove around the neighborhood to see why the power was out. It looked like a tree had fallen a mile or two down the road, knocking out the juice to a relatively small section of houses of which mine was one. That figures. As for the game, Adam Vinatieri connected on a 40-yard field goal to make it 3-0. And then The Weirdness started. With about 2 minutes left in the half, Kevin Faulk fumbled after running for a first down, and Denver recovered on the Pats' 40. On the next play, Asante Samuel was flagged for what Gil Santos and Gino Cappelletti both called a terrible pass interference penalty in the end zone, and the Broncos immediately scored a 1-yard touchdown to go ahead 7-3. Ellis Hobbs then fumbled the kickoff, and the Broncos added a 50-yard Jason Elam field goal for a 10-3 halftime lead.
Since I hate halftime shows, I scanned the satellite channels for some brief diversion until the second half kickoff. In another example of eerie foreshadowing, the comedy channel had on a live version of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot Sketch". I could only imagine John Cleese saying, "This...is an Ex-Super Bowl Champion!."
The second half started well, with the Pats holding the Broncos, and then adding a 32-yard field goal to make it 10-6. We were stopping Denver's running game, and we were moving the ball well on offense, but we weren't quite able to get it in the end zone. If we could cut down on the turnovers, and punch it in once or twice, we had a decent shot to win the game. Tom Brady drove the Pats down field again late in the 3rd quarter, and after a Corey Dillon run, we had first and goal on the five. Quickly, we took an illegal procedure penalty to push us back to the 10, and then after a 5-yard pass play, it was second and 5. Brady then missed David Givens on a short pass, setting up third and goal on the five. It seemed like we'd have to settle for another field goal at worst, but we still had an opportunity to take the lead if we could find Mike Vrabel or Deion Branch alone in the end zone as we had so many times in the past. Brady dropped back, rolled to his right, and fired a pass toward Troy Brown.
Yes, John, this is an ex-Super Bowl Champion.
Champ Bailey stepped in front of the pass, grabbed it, and ran 100 yards down the sideline until tight end Ben Watson forced a fumble out-of-bounds around the goal line and possibly out of the end zone. There was a review of the play, but I never had a doubt after listening to Gino and Gil. We weren't going to get a miracle reversal. The Broncos maintained possession, and scored another touchdown on the next play to effectively end the New England season. I stayed in the car until Troy Brown fumbled away a punt at the Pats' 15 yard line, and Denver quickly converted that miscue for another 7 points. As if to further mock me, PECO restored power at 11:30 pm, and I was able to tune in just in time to see the Broncos begin their victory kneels.
If nothing else, I will always remember where I was the night the Patriots' dynasty ended: sitting in my fogged-up Subaru, outside of my darkened house, screaming at Champ Bailey. Somehow, now that I think of it, it seems fitting.
Friday, January 06, 2006
CONSTRUCTIVE DIALOGUE
George Bush met with 13 former Secretaries of Defense and State at the White House yesterday, "allowing five to 10 minutes for interchange before herding the whole group into the Oval Office for what he called a 'family picture'", according to the Sydney Herald.
Here is a rush transcript of the meeting.
BUSH: Ok, everybody, you have 5 to 10 minutes to critique me on the war. Ladies first. Mad Dog?
Madeleine Albright: Are you referring to me, Mr. President?
BUSH: Who else would it be? Heh-heh
Albright: Um, ok. Well, Mr. President, isn't the war in Iraq taking up all the energy of your foreign policy team? I feel that you've let the nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea spin out of control and allowed Latin America and China policy to suffer by neglect.
BUSH: Next! Eagle-man?
Lawrence Eagleburger: Well, sir, your father may have been correct when...
BUSH: Next! Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Here?
Alexander Haig: You're doing fantastic things in Iraq, Mr. President.
BUSH: Go on.
Haig: That's all I have prepared.
BUSH. Ok, ok. Good enough. Brownie? Whoops, I better not use that nickname. Got me in trouble. Harry-guy?
Harold Brown: Mr. President, I don't feel that your administration is doing enough to address the humanitarian crisis...
BUSH: Next! Sergeant Schultz?
George Schultz: I know nothing!
BUSH: Ha-ha! I love that bit.
George Schultz: Seriously, Mr. President, I don't really know anything.
BUSH: I can sympathize. Mack-Daddy?
Robert MacNamara: Have you seen the film "Fog of War", Mr. President?
BUSH: No, was Arnold Schwarzenegger in it?
MacNamara: No, sir, "Fog Of War" is a documentary where I lay out the 11 lessons I learned from the Vietnam War.
BUSH: If it's not on DVD, I probably missed it. The Secret Service makes a run to Blockbuster every Friday. Mostly new releases, although I like them old westerns. Man, I don't know how they cleared all that brush back in those days without chain saws.
MacNamara: In any event, sir, I recommend that you screen it some day.
BUSH: Thanks, Mack-Daddy. Will do. I have a Gabby Hayes retrospectacle coming up on the schedule next weekend. I'll see if they can slip it in to break up the monogamy. Balloonfoot?
Colin Powell: (silence)
BUSH: Ok, I get it. You never did like that nickname, didja? Ok, Colin, what ya got.
Powell: (more silence)
BUSH: Fair enough. Wasn't like I was gonna listen anyway. (Looks down at watchless wrist) Ok, folks, time's up, off to the Oval to get our family picture taken. Jeez, Colin, at least smile for the camera, will ya?
Here is a rush transcript of the meeting.
BUSH: Ok, everybody, you have 5 to 10 minutes to critique me on the war. Ladies first. Mad Dog?
Madeleine Albright: Are you referring to me, Mr. President?
BUSH: Who else would it be? Heh-heh
Albright: Um, ok. Well, Mr. President, isn't the war in Iraq taking up all the energy of your foreign policy team? I feel that you've let the nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea spin out of control and allowed Latin America and China policy to suffer by neglect.
BUSH: Next! Eagle-man?
Lawrence Eagleburger: Well, sir, your father may have been correct when...
BUSH: Next! Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Here?
Alexander Haig: You're doing fantastic things in Iraq, Mr. President.
BUSH: Go on.
Haig: That's all I have prepared.
BUSH. Ok, ok. Good enough. Brownie? Whoops, I better not use that nickname. Got me in trouble. Harry-guy?
Harold Brown: Mr. President, I don't feel that your administration is doing enough to address the humanitarian crisis...
BUSH: Next! Sergeant Schultz?
George Schultz: I know nothing!
BUSH: Ha-ha! I love that bit.
George Schultz: Seriously, Mr. President, I don't really know anything.
BUSH: I can sympathize. Mack-Daddy?
Robert MacNamara: Have you seen the film "Fog of War", Mr. President?
BUSH: No, was Arnold Schwarzenegger in it?
MacNamara: No, sir, "Fog Of War" is a documentary where I lay out the 11 lessons I learned from the Vietnam War.
BUSH: If it's not on DVD, I probably missed it. The Secret Service makes a run to Blockbuster every Friday. Mostly new releases, although I like them old westerns. Man, I don't know how they cleared all that brush back in those days without chain saws.
MacNamara: In any event, sir, I recommend that you screen it some day.
BUSH: Thanks, Mack-Daddy. Will do. I have a Gabby Hayes retrospectacle coming up on the schedule next weekend. I'll see if they can slip it in to break up the monogamy. Balloonfoot?
Colin Powell: (silence)
BUSH: Ok, I get it. You never did like that nickname, didja? Ok, Colin, what ya got.
Powell: (more silence)
BUSH: Fair enough. Wasn't like I was gonna listen anyway. (Looks down at watchless wrist) Ok, folks, time's up, off to the Oval to get our family picture taken. Jeez, Colin, at least smile for the camera, will ya?
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
THUS BEGINS THE YEAR A.T. 40
Hey, every search bot, Annika Sorenstam nude hopeful (Still hoping, after all these years! You have to admire that), and one or two actual readers, it's my birthday!
This day in my history:
2004: I forget. My short-term memory is shot.
2003: My wife makes me go to someone else's birthday party. I'm still pissed about that.
1999: Ah, the flu. It's what makes the Northeast great!
1998: My last birthday in Texas. I think we ate Mexican or something. Not a Mexican, silly, Mexican food.
1993: My last birthday as a single idiot. I distinctly remember something about Miss January.
1988: I turn 21. I celebrate by doing 21 shots of Snapple. I'm a wild man, I'm telling you.
1983: I spent the day puking my guts out after drinking cherry Kool-Aid and apparently tainted Wise Bar-B-Q potato chips. It looked like the shower scene from "Psycho" was filmed in our upstairs toilet bowl.
1979: Yet another birthday while on Christmas break. Nobody ever baked me no freakin' cupcakes!
1975: I get like three kids to my birthday party, and they're only there for the entertainment. Well, it was Foghat, so I'll give them that. Actually, I told them it was Foghat, when it was really my brother lip-synching to his 8-track player.
1973: We go over to my Grandma's apartment, where she gives me a knitted wool hat. I get her back years later by giving her a 6-outlet surge protector for Christmas.
1970: My birthday is forgotten by my arch-conservative parents in all the "Thank God the 60's are finally over" hub-bub. Well, I certainly didn't remember it, anyway.
1967: At 11:54 PM, I finally slide on out. Gotta keep them in suspense.
Anything prior to that, of course, is immaterial.
This day in my history:
2004: I forget. My short-term memory is shot.
2003: My wife makes me go to someone else's birthday party. I'm still pissed about that.
1999: Ah, the flu. It's what makes the Northeast great!
1998: My last birthday in Texas. I think we ate Mexican or something. Not a Mexican, silly, Mexican food.
1993: My last birthday as a single idiot. I distinctly remember something about Miss January.
1988: I turn 21. I celebrate by doing 21 shots of Snapple. I'm a wild man, I'm telling you.
1983: I spent the day puking my guts out after drinking cherry Kool-Aid and apparently tainted Wise Bar-B-Q potato chips. It looked like the shower scene from "Psycho" was filmed in our upstairs toilet bowl.
1979: Yet another birthday while on Christmas break. Nobody ever baked me no freakin' cupcakes!
1975: I get like three kids to my birthday party, and they're only there for the entertainment. Well, it was Foghat, so I'll give them that. Actually, I told them it was Foghat, when it was really my brother lip-synching to his 8-track player.
1973: We go over to my Grandma's apartment, where she gives me a knitted wool hat. I get her back years later by giving her a 6-outlet surge protector for Christmas.
1970: My birthday is forgotten by my arch-conservative parents in all the "Thank God the 60's are finally over" hub-bub. Well, I certainly didn't remember it, anyway.
1967: At 11:54 PM, I finally slide on out. Gotta keep them in suspense.
Anything prior to that, of course, is immaterial.
Monday, January 02, 2006
FINALLY
I found myself at the Eagles game last night at Lincoln Financial Field (don't ask), and for once, someone showed some originality in the crowd while displaying a sign. The Eagles were trying to stop the Redskins from scoring, and something very similar to this flashed on the Jumbotron:
I can't help myself, I just love it.
I can't help myself, I just love it.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
YEAR
Once again, the inimitable (or as President Bush would say, inimitibubble) Jodi has proffered yet another brilliant idea to the blogosphere (or blogotorus, as I call it. How do we know it's a sphere?). She is posting her 2005 Year in Review by quoting the first sentence posted in the Jodiverse for each month of the year. Not to be out-retarded, TCP will be quoting the first word posted each month, and then forming a sentence with those words.
Ladies, gentlemen, and searchers of nude Merlin Olsen photos, I give you the 2005 Year in Review:
I Bill Tiger hey we as quickly infuriating leapin' I I that's.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Ladies, gentlemen, and searchers of nude Merlin Olsen photos, I give you the 2005 Year in Review:
I Bill Tiger hey we as quickly infuriating leapin' I I that's.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
YA-HOOO-OOO!
Hey, my 30,000th page visit happened today. It was: a Yahoo! web search bot! I think search bots account for roughly 20,000 of my page visits to date.
Other than that, I've got nothing. I'm going to the second of my three holiday (I mean Christmas, sorry Bill) lunches this week. I'll bring back some leftovers just for my blog readers. Meaning I'll eat every damned morsel, or ort for you crossword puzzle fans.
I promise some spectacular blogeration during the week after Christmas when I'm on vacation, unless I decide to start following the return of Rick Springfield to General Hospital. I wouldn't expect much out of me, is what I'm saying.
Other than that, I've got nothing. I'm going to the second of my three holiday (I mean Christmas, sorry Bill) lunches this week. I'll bring back some leftovers just for my blog readers. Meaning I'll eat every damned morsel, or ort for you crossword puzzle fans.
I promise some spectacular blogeration during the week after Christmas when I'm on vacation, unless I decide to start following the return of Rick Springfield to General Hospital. I wouldn't expect much out of me, is what I'm saying.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
TCP'S THIRD ANNUAL NBA/NHL PREVIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WATCH THE NBA OR THE NHL
That's what great about blog longevity. You can keep recycling crap from the past, and it looks new!
From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.
NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.
New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.
Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.
Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.
Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!
Central Division
Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.
Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.
Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.
Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.
Southeast Division
Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.
Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).
Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.
Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".
Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.
Western Conference
Northeast Division
Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.
Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.
Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.
Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.
Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.
Pacific Division
LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.
LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?
Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!
Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.
Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?
Southeast Division
San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.
Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.
Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.
Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.
Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.
NHL
I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.
Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.
From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.
NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.
New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.
Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.
Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.
Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!
Central Division
Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.
Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.
Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.
Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.
Southeast Division
Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.
Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).
Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.
Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".
Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.
Western Conference
Northeast Division
Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.
Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.
Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.
Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.
Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.
Pacific Division
LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.
LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?
Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!
Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.
Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?
Southeast Division
San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.
Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.
Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.
Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.
Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.
NHL
I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.
Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.
Monday, November 28, 2005
BLATANT PLACEHOLDER
Ok, Google-primates, Annika Sorenstam is not only not nude, she's loaning out clothes for other people to wear.
And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!
And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
FOUND ITEM: A LETTER TO SANTA, BY JUDY MILLER (AGE 7)
(Yeah, I know, she's Jewish, but you have to figure she was playing both sides of the street even then)
Dear Mr. Claus,
I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".
Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.
Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.
To that end, here are my gift requests:
1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)
Judy
Dear Mr. Claus,
I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".
Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.
Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.
To that end, here are my gift requests:
1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)
Judy
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
THE PERFECT STORY
I have detested the cliche "the perfect storm" ever since I first heard it used to describe something other than the film of the same name, but for a male football fan like myself, this Sapphic NFL Cheerleader story is very hard to characterize with a phrase that doesn't involve the word "perfect".
In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.
A couple of things:
If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"
Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.
The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.
In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.
A couple of things:
If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"
Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.
The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.
Monday, October 24, 2005
POT: "KETTLE BLACK"
This from today's "ABC News: The Note":
"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"
Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."
"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"
Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."
Monday, October 17, 2005
TED'S LATEST ADVENTURE
Senator Edward Kennedy tried and failed to rescue some fishermen off the coast of Hyannisport yesterday. The fishermen were later rescued by firefighters.
Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!
Oh, wait, here's one already.
Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!
Oh, wait, here's one already.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
PRAIRIE HOME CUM-PANION
It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)
Monday, October 10, 2005
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