At least I didn't buy it for myself.
Friday, January 09, 2004
NOW WE KNOW
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
Remember back in week two of TCP when I asked, who runs up a six-figure water bill?
Well, it's a seven-figure bill, but here's the answer.
HAIR-BRAINED
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
So, how are we doing in the War on Terror? Is there one leading indicator that can tell us all we need to know? Yes, news fans, there is. I call it "The Banfield Hair Color Index".
If you recall, MSNBC anchor Ashleigh Banfield either stopped dyeing her blond or started dyeing her hair brown (the actual answer requires more research than TCP is capable of) after she was assigned to Afghanistan. Her rationale was that she didn't want to "offend" the locals with her theretofore brassy 'do. Here we see Ash's pre-9/11 coif:
And this is how she looked shortly after taking the Afghan job:
In August of 2002, back from the 'Stan, she added a few blond streaks, so things were looking up on the terrorism front:
But then in May of 2003, as the Iraqi conflict raged on, the streaks were gone, and a frightening reddish tone emerged, signalling a possible escalation in Al-Qaeda activity:
Finally, this most recent photo shows Ms. Banfield with a more somber sienna tint to her tresses, evincing a slight lessening of tensions, but certainly no return to the pre-9/11 halcyon days:
So, there you have it. Are we winning the War on Terror? All you need to do is watch the hair.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
DISCOVERING MY WORLD
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Kinda busy today. I'm developing my own Discovery Channel show called "American Monster Blogger Spaces". Every show, we take somebody's normal blog, and soup it up into a freaky, snarky, mindblowing information powerhouse. There's an authority figure who is always yelling at the guy who does all the work, and we're always running against impossible deadlines which we meet at the very last second, and there's always tension as to whether the people will like the finished product. But they always do! Except for the special episodes when they hate it. You should be seeing it next fall when they run out of episodes of all the other crap.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
HE'S IN!
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Pete Rose, who has recently admitted to betting on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds after denying it for over 13 years, has been unanimously elected into the Lying Gamblers' Hall Of Fame, a spokesman announced.
"He received 100% of the vote," said spokesman Ace Deucey (not his real name). "We've been trying to get him in for years, but we were never quite sure he was lying about betting on baseball. We were pretty sure he was a prodigious gambler, and we figured he lied about lots of other stuff, but to bet on his own sport and then lie about it, well, that's Hall Of Fame caliber lying and gambling."
The Lying Gamblers Hall Of Fame, which on its web site lists its location as Las Vegas when it is actually in Reno, numbers among its luminaries the 1919 Chicago Black Sox, Michael Jordan, and last year's inductee, Bill Bennett.
Monday, January 05, 2004
FOR A GOOD TIME CALL
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the great state of California, I present your Governor!
Ay, caramba.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH NOT REQUIRED. WELL, GOLD WOULD BE NICE
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
Wish me Happy Birthday, you freaks!
And I refuse to waste more precious blogspace on Britney "I Like Jacking With Civil Servants" Spears. Oh, I just did. Well, let's be realistic, blogspace really isn't all that precious. Certainly not in these parts.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT
We're back in the Delaware Valley of The Shadow of Death. We actually got back on Monday, but since no one actually reads this, I didn't think it was relevant to mention it on here at that time.
Wanna see our vacation photos? Well, you can't, because you're not related to me. And why would you want to anyway? Are you obsessed with me or something, like that guy from "One-Hour Photo"? If you think you're going to photograph me having sex with my mistress, well, that's where I draw the line. First, I'd have to pay somebody to be my mistress, and, frankly, the whole thing just doesn't seem worth the effort. Anyway, here's a morsel to keep you sated.
We had a great turkey lined up until the Bumpus hounds ate it, but everything turned out OK at the Chinese Restaurant. And I got my official Daisy Red Ryder BB-gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!
We're back in the Delaware Valley of The Shadow of Death. We actually got back on Monday, but since no one actually reads this, I didn't think it was relevant to mention it on here at that time.
Wanna see our vacation photos? Well, you can't, because you're not related to me. And why would you want to anyway? Are you obsessed with me or something, like that guy from "One-Hour Photo"? If you think you're going to photograph me having sex with my mistress, well, that's where I draw the line. First, I'd have to pay somebody to be my mistress, and, frankly, the whole thing just doesn't seem worth the effort. Anyway, here's a morsel to keep you sated.
We had a great turkey lined up until the Bumpus hounds ate it, but everything turned out OK at the Chinese Restaurant. And I got my official Daisy Red Ryder BB-gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!
Sunday, December 28, 2003
JUST TAKE THE TRAM TO THE BUS TO THE MONORAIL AND THEN TAKE A BOAT TO THE 2-HOUR LINE FOR THE FUN!
More from The Land of Keeping Your Hands Inside The Vehicle At All Times. We made our obligatory trip to the Diz yesterday. This year, we visited Disney's Animal Kingdom. We saw many ferocious, exotic, and dangerous beasts, and then we finally got to the front of the line. The actual lions, cheetahs, giraffes, hippos and rhinos seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, like many native Orlandoans.
We also visited the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Apparently, in the future, we'll all be living in a community where they show propaganda films of various countries which were shot in the early 80's. I still want to know how Norway got let into the Epcot League of Nations. What has Norway ever done for us? The biathlon is hardly worth building a theme park attraction about. I also want to know how France is still in. I thought Disney, in conjunction with the Defense Department (and let's face it, they're pretty much the same thing), had outlawed France.
We're flying back tomorrow. Stop all that chatter!
More from The Land of Keeping Your Hands Inside The Vehicle At All Times. We made our obligatory trip to the Diz yesterday. This year, we visited Disney's Animal Kingdom. We saw many ferocious, exotic, and dangerous beasts, and then we finally got to the front of the line. The actual lions, cheetahs, giraffes, hippos and rhinos seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing, like many native Orlandoans.
We also visited the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Apparently, in the future, we'll all be living in a community where they show propaganda films of various countries which were shot in the early 80's. I still want to know how Norway got let into the Epcot League of Nations. What has Norway ever done for us? The biathlon is hardly worth building a theme park attraction about. I also want to know how France is still in. I thought Disney, in conjunction with the Defense Department (and let's face it, they're pretty much the same thing), had outlawed France.
We're flying back tomorrow. Stop all that chatter!
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
NO HEROISM REQUIRED, SO FAR
We're here. I'm writing this logged in as my sister's second husband's son from a previous marriage. Oh, what a tangled web they weave when first they practice to conceive. I didn't have to use the SkyMall as a deadly weapon, but I do have my eye on a Guillotine Cigar Cutter as a little birthday present to myself after the trip.
More later, especially if my mother and brother-in-law's constant viewing of the Fox News Channel makes me go berserk.
We're here. I'm writing this logged in as my sister's second husband's son from a previous marriage. Oh, what a tangled web they weave when first they practice to conceive. I didn't have to use the SkyMall as a deadly weapon, but I do have my eye on a Guillotine Cigar Cutter as a little birthday present to myself after the trip.
More later, especially if my mother and brother-in-law's constant viewing of the Fox News Channel makes me go berserk.
Monday, December 22, 2003
IT'S NOT EXACTLY "LET'S ROLL", BUT I'M HAPPY WITH IT
My wife and I will be boarding a plane at BWI tomorrow bound for Orlando. I'd like to take this opportunity to interject a phrase into the lexicon that I intend to use if terrorists take over the aircraft and a bunch of passengers decide to take it back:
"I don't think you can kill a man with a rolled up SkyMall."
And for God's sake, somebody fill out the damned forms.
My wife and I will be boarding a plane at BWI tomorrow bound for Orlando. I'd like to take this opportunity to interject a phrase into the lexicon that I intend to use if terrorists take over the aircraft and a bunch of passengers decide to take it back:
"I don't think you can kill a man with a rolled up SkyMall."
And for God's sake, somebody fill out the damned forms.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Thursday, December 18, 2003
AND MARY AND JOSEPH TRAVELED TO THE HOUSE OF THE MOUSE, AND THERE WAS NO ROOM AT THE SUPER-8
Well, I filled out the yearly company ethics compliance form, so I'm ready to pack it in for the year. I almost stumbled on that Import and Export Control Law question, but it turns out that guys from Cyprus searching for photos of Bitty Schram nude and accidentally reading my sniper jokes doesn't count.
The wife and I are headed to Orlando for Christmas, where I can now get into Disney World and Universal for free due to family connections. I'm practically one of the Bushes when I'm down there now. Now if I can only get an inside track into this place, I'll be all set. I'd sure love to get my hands on a Joseph of Arimathea bobblehead doll!
Well, I filled out the yearly company ethics compliance form, so I'm ready to pack it in for the year. I almost stumbled on that Import and Export Control Law question, but it turns out that guys from Cyprus searching for photos of Bitty Schram nude and accidentally reading my sniper jokes doesn't count.
The wife and I are headed to Orlando for Christmas, where I can now get into Disney World and Universal for free due to family connections. I'm practically one of the Bushes when I'm down there now. Now if I can only get an inside track into this place, I'll be all set. I'd sure love to get my hands on a Joseph of Arimathea bobblehead doll!
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
YOU FORGOT WHAT'S HIS NAME
Here's my impression of every interview ever conducted about the Blues on NPR:
INTERVIEWER: ...W.C. Handy...Robert Johnson...Leadbelly...Mississippi John Hurt...Billie Holliday...Bo Diddley.
INTERVIEWEE: ...Blind Willie Johnson...Buddy Guy...John Lee Hooker...Muddy Waters...B.B. King...Howlin' Wolf...Etta James...
etc.
There are words where the ellipses are, but they are completely interchangeable from one interview to the next.
Here's my impression of every interview ever conducted about the Blues on NPR:
INTERVIEWER: ...W.C. Handy...Robert Johnson...Leadbelly...Mississippi John Hurt...Billie Holliday...Bo Diddley.
INTERVIEWEE: ...Blind Willie Johnson...Buddy Guy...John Lee Hooker...Muddy Waters...B.B. King...Howlin' Wolf...Etta James...
etc.
There are words where the ellipses are, but they are completely interchangeable from one interview to the next.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
I'll be using this post to test either the awesome power of my jinxability, or my complete ineffectualness (yes, that is a word).
The two NFL teams I follow, the New England Patriots, who have been my team since I was 9 years old, and the Philadelphia Eagles, who I root for principally because rooting against them may be hazardous to my health where I live, are a combined 19-0 since October 12th, when the Eagles lost to the Cowboys. I haven't mentioned the two winning streaks here in this space, or done much more than merely contemplate this fact, for fear of somehow affecting the outcome of the games. This is irrational of course, but somehow palpably logical nonetheless, based on empirical evidence dating from my childhood (see New England Patriots team history, 1976-2000 for supporting documentation). My capacity for negatively influencing sports teams extends to baseball, where the New York Mets had a lengthy run of fetidness throughout my adolescent years. The Mets eventually had the great fortune to meet the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in 1986, successfully using this team's vast ill-fated nature as a shield against my relatively puny one. No baseball team that I follow has since managed to overcome my deletirious impact, although the teams in question, the Chicago White Sox, Houston Astros, and Philadelphia Phillies, have some serious karma issues of their own. Getting back to the Patriots, they also surmounted my bad mojo, winning their only Super Bowl title in 2002. I still haven't figured that one out. I think I was just having a bad day.
In any case, this year the Pats and Eagles are each on a roll, and nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. Hence this post. I mean, why even have a weblog if you can't demonstrate your natural gifts? So, to that end, WOOOO-HOOOOO!!! Go Pats! Go Eagles! Win the rest of your regular season games, win two playoff games, and you guys are headed to Super Bowl XXXVIII! You can do it! Super Bowl bound! See you in Houston! WOOOO-
HOOOOO!!!
There. To the eventual Super Bowl champs: You owe me.
I'll be using this post to test either the awesome power of my jinxability, or my complete ineffectualness (yes, that is a word).
The two NFL teams I follow, the New England Patriots, who have been my team since I was 9 years old, and the Philadelphia Eagles, who I root for principally because rooting against them may be hazardous to my health where I live, are a combined 19-0 since October 12th, when the Eagles lost to the Cowboys. I haven't mentioned the two winning streaks here in this space, or done much more than merely contemplate this fact, for fear of somehow affecting the outcome of the games. This is irrational of course, but somehow palpably logical nonetheless, based on empirical evidence dating from my childhood (see New England Patriots team history, 1976-2000 for supporting documentation). My capacity for negatively influencing sports teams extends to baseball, where the New York Mets had a lengthy run of fetidness throughout my adolescent years. The Mets eventually had the great fortune to meet the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in 1986, successfully using this team's vast ill-fated nature as a shield against my relatively puny one. No baseball team that I follow has since managed to overcome my deletirious impact, although the teams in question, the Chicago White Sox, Houston Astros, and Philadelphia Phillies, have some serious karma issues of their own. Getting back to the Patriots, they also surmounted my bad mojo, winning their only Super Bowl title in 2002. I still haven't figured that one out. I think I was just having a bad day.
In any case, this year the Pats and Eagles are each on a roll, and nothing I do seems to be able to stop it. Hence this post. I mean, why even have a weblog if you can't demonstrate your natural gifts? So, to that end, WOOOO-HOOOOO!!! Go Pats! Go Eagles! Win the rest of your regular season games, win two playoff games, and you guys are headed to Super Bowl XXXVIII! You can do it! Super Bowl bound! See you in Houston! WOOOO-
HOOOOO!!!
There. To the eventual Super Bowl champs: You owe me.
Monday, December 15, 2003
BACK AND TO THE LEFT...BACK AND TO THE LEFT
There's been another shooting death at Dealey Plaza.
Surviving members of the Warren Commission have already blamed Lee Harvey Oswald for the killing. Oliver Stone is working on a film that fingers LBJ, the Military-Industrial Complex, Pro-Castro Cubans, Anti-Castro Cubans, the Mafia, and aliens from the planet B46-J. Robert Caro is writing a 3,500 page multi-volume work where he never actually mentions it.
There's been another shooting death at Dealey Plaza.
Surviving members of the Warren Commission have already blamed Lee Harvey Oswald for the killing. Oliver Stone is working on a film that fingers LBJ, the Military-Industrial Complex, Pro-Castro Cubans, Anti-Castro Cubans, the Mafia, and aliens from the planet B46-J. Robert Caro is writing a 3,500 page multi-volume work where he never actually mentions it.
Friday, December 12, 2003
YOU SPOKE FRENCH!
Canada, that nice country with all the moose, appointed a new Prime Minister, Paul Martin, today. At his first press conference, Mr. Martin spoke his second language, French, better than Bush can speak, uh, whatever the hell it is he speaks.
That's it. I guess we know the answer to yesterday's poll now.
Canada, that nice country with all the moose, appointed a new Prime Minister, Paul Martin, today. At his first press conference, Mr. Martin spoke his second language, French, better than Bush can speak, uh, whatever the hell it is he speaks.
That's it. I guess we know the answer to yesterday's poll now.
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