That's what great about blog longevity. You can keep recycling crap from the past, and it looks new!
From what I can glean from various web sites, the NBA and NHL seasons have already started, but with maybe two readers and a dozen Google searchers to support, that won't stop me.
NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
New York Knicks - Larry Brown, in his 477th head coaching assignment, immediately leaked to the press upon signing his contract that he was unhappy. He has every right to be. These guys couldn't beat the Fat Albert gang even if Rudy was out with a torn ACL.
New Jersey Nets - Since Jason Kidd beat his wife and Jayson Williams killed a guy, the Nets will officially retire all spellings of the name "Jason" in a stirring ceremony.
Philadelphia 76ers - To garner sympathy with long-suffering Philly fans, new head coach Mo Cheeks will help a teary-eyed 9-year-old girl finish the national anthem at every single home game.
Boston Celtics - In a effort to keep former coach Red Auerbach from dying of emphysema, the Celtics have traded away all their best players so that Red will not be able to fire up a victory cigar at the end of games. Red will instead die of a deeply developed sense of bitterness toward Phil Jackson.
Toronto Raptors - Canada is funny, eh? HAHAHAHA!!!
Central Division
Cleveland Cavaliers - LeBron James will be called upon by President Bush to rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
Detroit Pistons - The Pistons will need to improve their footwork and jab/uppercut combination if they hope to prevail in their rematch with the Pacers. Darko Milicic will be promoted to sweat mopper.
Indiana Pacers - Ron Artest has spent the summer memorizing one thing: "Do not try to kill the paying customers." This will soon be forgotten when Ben Wallace disses his rap album.
Chicago Bulls - Those championship banners are sure getting ratty looking.
Milwaukee Bucks - #1 Overall Draft Pick Andrew Bogut - wait, I already don't care.
Southeast Division
Miami Heat - Shaq will attempt to start a long-running feud with Dywane Wade and Stan Van Gundy before realizing that the one guy can't even spell his first name right and the other guy is a schlub. Depression will set in.
Washington Wizards - The Wizards disastrous season will be investigated by Patrick Fitzgerald. For no apparent reason, Judith Miller will go to jail (we can hope, anyway).
Orlando Magic - The Magic will attempt to keep up with Disney's new Everest Adventure ride at Animal Kingdom by unveiling the "Climb Georghe Muhresan Halftime Spectacular", to predictable results.
Charlotte Bobcats - Shhh. This team is really a giant epsiode of "Punk'd".
Atlanta Hawks - Unofficial team motto of, "Come beat our ass, and then go visit one of our city's fine gentlemens' clubs" will be formally ratified by the team's Board of Governors.
Western Conference
Northeast Division
Minnesota Timberwolves - Luckily, Al & Alma's boat decks have very low head clearances.
Denver Nuggets - Carmelo Anthony will pout that he could have done a better job than LeBron fixing the levees, and then join a street gang.
Seattle Supersonics - Fueled by Starbucks Triple Venti Lattes, the Sonics will ...something... in the constant rain. Whatever.
Utah Jazz - As if they needed a dress code. The Salt Lake City cops once shot a guy for wearing a throwback jersey.
Portland Trail Blazers - Will play much better after their parole hearing.
Pacific Division
LA Lakers - Kobe and Phil will take their new relationship to ridiculous extremes by having a threesome with Jeannie Buss. At least it wasn't Jerry Buss.
LA Clippers - They can't be good now. What fun is that?
Phoenix Suns - Steve Nash is Canadian. HAHAHAHAHA!
Sacramento Kings - The Maloof Brothers finally go too far when they show news footage of dead people at the New Orleans Convention Center on the Jumbotron during team introductions when the Hornets come to town.
Golden State Warriors - Can't we get a real name for this team? Golden State? What's next, the Famous Potatoes Wildcats?
Southeast Division
San Antonio Spurs - The most boring world champs in any sport since the last time they won, they'll probably win again. David Stern will order one of the Spurs to commit a felony on national television to improve the NBA Finals ratings.
Dallas Mavericks - Mark Cuban, incensed by a first period traveling call against Dirk Nowitzki, will unleash global thermonuclear war.
Memphis Grizzlies - You remember what I said about the Bobcats? Shhhh.
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - The Hornets will play well until their FEMA checks come in, and they blow the money on tequila and lap dances.
Houston Rockets - Yao Ming will surprise the NBA world by coming out as a lesbian. Whoops, wrong league.
Prediction: Spurs defeat the Pistons in 7 of the lowest rated televised sporting events since the later stages of the XFL.
NHL
I was going to do a team-by-team, but I REALLY don't watch the NHL, and besides, they've been gone so long that I forgot who the teams were. Suffice it to say there will be goals. Lots of goals. So many goals that if they hired that Mexican soccer announcer guy, he would blow out his vocal cords in a week. The NHL, trying to lure back fans after they CANCELLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SEASON for christ's sake, changed all the rules to something akin to 43-man Squamish to make sure plenty of goals were scored. They even removed the red line, even though it's still there. By that I mean...oh who gives a shit? Just so long as they continue to beat the snot out of each other on a regular basis, and they grow those playoff beards, and they skate around the ice at the end of the season holding a giant chafing dish.
Prediction: Flyers over Canucks (BWAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAHAHA!) 4 games to 3 in the seventh extra ogre.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
BLATANT PLACEHOLDER
Ok, Google-primates, Annika Sorenstam is not only not nude, she's loaning out clothes for other people to wear.
And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!
And congratulations to the Edmonton Eskimos, winners of the 93rd Grey Cup!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
FOUND ITEM: A LETTER TO SANTA, BY JUDY MILLER (AGE 7)
(Yeah, I know, she's Jewish, but you have to figure she was playing both sides of the street even then)
Dear Mr. Claus,
I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".
Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.
Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.
To that end, here are my gift requests:
1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)
Judy
Dear Mr. Claus,
I'm glad to hear that you love me. However, in reference to the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", I believe that you have made several errors in judgment regarding the awarding of presents to children. First of all, the admonishment, "You better not cry" is clearly an unattainable condition for children in my age group. As I'm sure you are aware, I was detained in the corner of the living room for 85 minutes this past year by my mother for refusing to divulge my sources in the "Broken Window" affair, as it has become known, a decision which has brought me great personal anguish. Being denied television, snacks or Kool-Aid for those long, almost intolerable minutes in that soulless, degrading corner made it nearly impossible for a child of my delicate constitution to avoid at least tearing up for the duration of my incarceration. I won't even go into "You better not pout".
Secondly, I'm disturbed to hear about this so-called list. As you know, errors in transcription can frequently occur. You may be fully intending to put "Judy Miller" in the Good category, and accidentally write "Judy Filler". I know this sort of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and probably will again. Also, you should consider not keeping your list buried in a shopping bag under your desk, where it could easily get misplaced.
Thirdly, the lyrics "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" are extremely unsettling. Do you have a warrant for this activity? I don't feel comfortable allowing such surveillance unless I receive both written and verbal assurances that I will get exactly what I want should I fully cooperate.
To that end, here are my gift requests:
1. Horn-rimmed sunglasses, large
2. Easy-Bake Oven with Yellow Cake mix
3. The book "Men and Power", by Henry J. Taylor
4. Plane ticket to Aspen (during the fall, preferably)
Judy
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
THE PERFECT STORY
I have detested the cliche "the perfect storm" ever since I first heard it used to describe something other than the film of the same name, but for a male football fan like myself, this Sapphic NFL Cheerleader story is very hard to characterize with a phrase that doesn't involve the word "perfect".
In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.
A couple of things:
If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"
Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.
The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.
In case you managed to miss it, two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, known professionally as Top Cats (I said this was a perfect story), were engaged in some same-sex copulation inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's (what else?) bar in Tampa, FL when other female patrons became enraged at the length of time they were taking monopolizing the facilities. The Top Cats, 20-year-old Renee Thomas (of course she's drinking underage!) and 26-year-old Angela Keathley, finally emerged from the loo and then Thomas proceeded to punch out one of the complaining women. Police were summoned, and the two cheerleaders were charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and assault. To top it off, Thomas gave the police the driver's license of another Top Cat which she had somehow managed to obtain before she made the trip to Tampa, which warranted further charges for her for providing a false ID.
A couple of things:
If only Warner Wolf were around. "Let's go to the videotape!"
Also, if they are both Top Cats, how did they...? The bathroom stall certainly must have increased the degree of difficulty in any event.
The ladies were fired from the Top Cats, but the Minnesota Vikings have expressed an extremely great amount of interest in their services.
Monday, October 24, 2005
POT: "KETTLE BLACK"
This from today's "ABC News: The Note":
"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"
Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."
"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"
Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."
Monday, October 17, 2005
TED'S LATEST ADVENTURE
Senator Edward Kennedy tried and failed to rescue some fishermen off the coast of Hyannisport yesterday. The fishermen were later rescued by firefighters.
Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!
Oh, wait, here's one already.
Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!
Oh, wait, here's one already.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
PRAIRIE HOME CUM-PANION
It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)
Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.
Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.
Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)
Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).
The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).
That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)
Monday, October 10, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
WAIT TIL...WHENEVER
I told you so.
Well, the Phils didn't actually lose to John Patterson or Esteban Freaking Loaiza, but close enough. The whole season came down to one pitch; if Billy Wagner had kept Craig Biggio in the yard, we'd be preparing to play St. Louis right now.
I was hoping by the sheer force of my will in writing this crap, the Phillies would win the World Series, just like with Stewart O'Nan and Stephen King and the Red Sox. As I now know, "hope", "Phillies", and "World Series" are not compatible terms, at least while Ed Wade pulls down a paycheck.
I won't be writing for you next year, except in your comments sections. Have a good off-season, and keep the phaith, because somebody has to.
Well, the Phils didn't actually lose to John Patterson or Esteban Freaking Loaiza, but close enough. The whole season came down to one pitch; if Billy Wagner had kept Craig Biggio in the yard, we'd be preparing to play St. Louis right now.
I was hoping by the sheer force of my will in writing this crap, the Phillies would win the World Series, just like with Stewart O'Nan and Stephen King and the Red Sox. As I now know, "hope", "Phillies", and "World Series" are not compatible terms, at least while Ed Wade pulls down a paycheck.
I won't be writing for you next year, except in your comments sections. Have a good off-season, and keep the phaith, because somebody has to.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
FINAL WEAK
After last night's ignominious defeat at the hands of the also-ran Mets, it appears the Phils will be coming up short of the postseason once again.
Last night, I helped Quest For Tech and Charity In Action load an 18-wheeler full of PC's destined for a school down in Biloxi, MS that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am campaigning for a pat on the back. My aching back needs all the pats it can get right now). On the way home, I was listening to the rain delay call-in show hosted by Phillies announcers (and loyal employees) Scott Graham and Tom McCarthy. Scott and Tom were defending the current regime with gusto, and berating the audience for not showing up at the park to support "this wonderful team". Somewhere on the Blue Route, I snapped.
You want to me to support this team? Well, I have been supporting this team, for eight seasons now. I got here about the same time as Ed Wade. In each of those eight seasons, the Phillies have finished behind the Braves. The Braves have won the division every year since the divisions became constituted as they currently are. I have come to the conclusion that the Braves know what they are doing. It's not that the Phillies are totally clueless. They usually field winning teams with decent talent that, especially this season, play hard. But the yardstick is the Braves, and against that measurement, the Phillies just aren't good enough. They haven't been for over a decade.
Now, I feel like a shareholder in this corporation that is the Phillies. Obviously, I don't own stock - the ownership group isn't set up that way, and the barrier to becoming part of that group is too high, and the best I could do would be to become a limited partner, which means I would have no say in the running of the team anyway - but as a fan I'm a shareholder nonetheless. I buy the merchandise, I go to games (not many, but more than none), I sit through the commercials of the TV and radio advertisers night after night, I write this largely un-read blog, and I have trouble sleeping every time they lose.
As a shareholder, then, all I want is for someone in this organization to be held accountable for the near decade of failure to surpass the Braves. The current management team is led by President and Managing General Partner Dave Montgomery and General manager Ed Wade. Montgomery is a part owner, so he isn't going anywhere, unless he wants to. That leaves one guy.
Ed Wade is a fine human being, a personable man, and is very generous with the media and the fans. But he isn't getting it done. How many years do we have to finish second or worse to the Braves before the Phillies realize that maybe Ed Wade isn't good enough at his job? I'm not demonizing the man. I'm just pointing out that his philosophy for running a baseball team is not effective enough to beat the Braves, and there is no evidence that it ever will be.
So, Scott and Tom, if you want me to show up more often at the park, how about you ask the Phillies to hire a general manager that has a plan to beat the Braves. We've tried Ed Wade's plan for eight years. As Dick Van Patten would say, eight is enough.
Last night, I helped Quest For Tech and Charity In Action load an 18-wheeler full of PC's destined for a school down in Biloxi, MS that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am campaigning for a pat on the back. My aching back needs all the pats it can get right now). On the way home, I was listening to the rain delay call-in show hosted by Phillies announcers (and loyal employees) Scott Graham and Tom McCarthy. Scott and Tom were defending the current regime with gusto, and berating the audience for not showing up at the park to support "this wonderful team". Somewhere on the Blue Route, I snapped.
You want to me to support this team? Well, I have been supporting this team, for eight seasons now. I got here about the same time as Ed Wade. In each of those eight seasons, the Phillies have finished behind the Braves. The Braves have won the division every year since the divisions became constituted as they currently are. I have come to the conclusion that the Braves know what they are doing. It's not that the Phillies are totally clueless. They usually field winning teams with decent talent that, especially this season, play hard. But the yardstick is the Braves, and against that measurement, the Phillies just aren't good enough. They haven't been for over a decade.
Now, I feel like a shareholder in this corporation that is the Phillies. Obviously, I don't own stock - the ownership group isn't set up that way, and the barrier to becoming part of that group is too high, and the best I could do would be to become a limited partner, which means I would have no say in the running of the team anyway - but as a fan I'm a shareholder nonetheless. I buy the merchandise, I go to games (not many, but more than none), I sit through the commercials of the TV and radio advertisers night after night, I write this largely un-read blog, and I have trouble sleeping every time they lose.
As a shareholder, then, all I want is for someone in this organization to be held accountable for the near decade of failure to surpass the Braves. The current management team is led by President and Managing General Partner Dave Montgomery and General manager Ed Wade. Montgomery is a part owner, so he isn't going anywhere, unless he wants to. That leaves one guy.
Ed Wade is a fine human being, a personable man, and is very generous with the media and the fans. But he isn't getting it done. How many years do we have to finish second or worse to the Braves before the Phillies realize that maybe Ed Wade isn't good enough at his job? I'm not demonizing the man. I'm just pointing out that his philosophy for running a baseball team is not effective enough to beat the Braves, and there is no evidence that it ever will be.
So, Scott and Tom, if you want me to show up more often at the park, how about you ask the Phillies to hire a general manager that has a plan to beat the Braves. We've tried Ed Wade's plan for eight years. As Dick Van Patten would say, eight is enough.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
GIFTED?
I said I would write when something interesting happened. Something most definitely did.
I hesitate to write about it, since the Phillies have been trying to prove some sort of Baseball Uncertainty Principle with me all season: whenever I watch them (and especially when I write about them), they become a different, always worse, team. Today was no exception. I've been suffering from a back ailment for the last week, and was in no condition to blog for several days even if I wanted to. The back has improved, but I'm still a little logy from the muscle relaxants, and I decided to take a nap after Bobby Abreu waved at Dontrelle Willis' curveball to end the top of the first. It appears I didn't miss much...until the ninth.
In the ninth, an opposing team finally gave to us what we've been giving to everybody else at crucial junctures ever since I've started rooting for the Phillies - a cornucopia of gifts.
Dontrelle was still in there to start the inning, leading 2-0 and seemingly en route to a shutout and his 22nd win. J-Roll led off with a single, J-Mike followed with a walk, and then Abreu reached on an error by Luis Castillo to score Rollins and chase Willis. Then the real Marlins generosity started. Three errors, six singles, and three hapless Florida relievers later, the Phils took a 10-2 lead to the bottom of the ninth (just as I woke up), where Billy Wagner gave up two hits but no runs to finish the game.
Does this really mean anything in the grand scheme of the NL wild card chase? Well, as I write this, Milwaukee is getting pounded by the Astros, so I doubt it. The Astros are still the favorites. They have a nine-game road trip coming up to Pittsburgh, Chicago, and St. Louis, who clinched the NL Central today. The 'Stros have been bad on the road, but the Bucs and Cubs white-flagged it long ago, and the Cards will be trotting out benchies for the rest of the year. The wild card was lost when Craig Biggio hit that Billy Wagner fastball into the fifth row. Still, 10-run ninth innings are rare enough that it makes it hard not to have hope. Until they get skunked by Josh Beckett tomorrow...
See you next time something interesting happens, or the Astros clinch, whichever comes first.
I hesitate to write about it, since the Phillies have been trying to prove some sort of Baseball Uncertainty Principle with me all season: whenever I watch them (and especially when I write about them), they become a different, always worse, team. Today was no exception. I've been suffering from a back ailment for the last week, and was in no condition to blog for several days even if I wanted to. The back has improved, but I'm still a little logy from the muscle relaxants, and I decided to take a nap after Bobby Abreu waved at Dontrelle Willis' curveball to end the top of the first. It appears I didn't miss much...until the ninth.
In the ninth, an opposing team finally gave to us what we've been giving to everybody else at crucial junctures ever since I've started rooting for the Phillies - a cornucopia of gifts.
Dontrelle was still in there to start the inning, leading 2-0 and seemingly en route to a shutout and his 22nd win. J-Roll led off with a single, J-Mike followed with a walk, and then Abreu reached on an error by Luis Castillo to score Rollins and chase Willis. Then the real Marlins generosity started. Three errors, six singles, and three hapless Florida relievers later, the Phils took a 10-2 lead to the bottom of the ninth (just as I woke up), where Billy Wagner gave up two hits but no runs to finish the game.
Does this really mean anything in the grand scheme of the NL wild card chase? Well, as I write this, Milwaukee is getting pounded by the Astros, so I doubt it. The Astros are still the favorites. They have a nine-game road trip coming up to Pittsburgh, Chicago, and St. Louis, who clinched the NL Central today. The 'Stros have been bad on the road, but the Bucs and Cubs white-flagged it long ago, and the Cards will be trotting out benchies for the rest of the year. The wild card was lost when Craig Biggio hit that Billy Wagner fastball into the fifth row. Still, 10-run ninth innings are rare enough that it makes it hard not to have hope. Until they get skunked by Josh Beckett tomorrow...
See you next time something interesting happens, or the Astros clinch, whichever comes first.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
OUTTA HERE
I just want to say, I called Biggio's homer. My wife can sort-of attest, but she was half asleep at the time. We were lying in bed, me watching the game and she desperately trying to catch some much needed shut-eye, when J-Roll failed to nab Willy Taveras at first, and I realized that Craig Biggio was up. I said, quite plainly, "Oh, this is a three-run homer." Boom, there it goes.
No team ever comes back from something like this. It just doesn't happen, ever. And it definitely won't happen with this bunch. As the Phlogosphere as almost unanimously pronounced, these guys just aren't good enough. Even if they summon up some pride and play well from here on in, they are still at the mercy of the Astros, who hold a 2.5 game lead over us and have an easy schedule against mostly weak NL Central teams. C'est finis. It's over.
I'll probably post a few more times this season, such as when the mathematical end comes or if anything interesting happens, but as for the daily game-by-game recap, I'm also done. It's been (mostly) fun. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading everybody else as the season's denouement (what is this, French day?) plays out. TCP will return to posting the usual non-baseball nonsense at the usual schedule, i.e. whenever I get a hair up my ass.
No team ever comes back from something like this. It just doesn't happen, ever. And it definitely won't happen with this bunch. As the Phlogosphere as almost unanimously pronounced, these guys just aren't good enough. Even if they summon up some pride and play well from here on in, they are still at the mercy of the Astros, who hold a 2.5 game lead over us and have an easy schedule against mostly weak NL Central teams. C'est finis. It's over.
I'll probably post a few more times this season, such as when the mathematical end comes or if anything interesting happens, but as for the daily game-by-game recap, I'm also done. It's been (mostly) fun. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading everybody else as the season's denouement (what is this, French day?) plays out. TCP will return to posting the usual non-baseball nonsense at the usual schedule, i.e. whenever I get a hair up my ass.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
IT'S HANKY TIME
This is where I get off. After last night's bitter defeat, I'm taking a sanity break for the rest of the homestand. If we're still close by the time the Phils head to Miami, I'll check back in.
The Phils dropped their fourth straight overall and 11th straight to last year's wild card winner and this year's wild card favorite, the Houston Astros, 2-1. Craig Biggio and Ryan Howard traded solo homers off starters Jon Lieber and Roy Oswalt until the bottom of the eighth, when Jimmy Rollins led off with what looked like a sure triple. J-Roll inexplicably missed first base, though, and had to retreat back to the bag for a single. Kenny Lofton sacrificed him to second, and after Chase Utley, who looks cooked, struck out, Bobby Abreu was intentionally walked and Pat Burrell also drew a base on balls. Howard couldn't capitalize, however, bouncing out to second to end the inning.
For whatever reason, Charlie Manuel decided to go with Billy Wagner to start the ninth. Wags never looks comfortable in a game he isn't closing, and Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, among others, were available. Wags walked Lance Berkman with one out, and Phil Garner sent in Eric Bruntlett, a dumpy-looking utility infielder with maybe slightly above-average speed to pinch run. Nevertheless, if anybody knows Wagner's limitations holding runners on, it's the Astros, and they took complete advantage. Bruntlett easily swiped second and third as Todd Pratt double-clutched both times trying to make the throw. What a disaster. It's really amazing to watch what a team can do when they actually care about winning and receive the proper coaching. Jason Lane rapped a line single to left to score Bruntlett, and it was pretty much game over.
In the bottom of the ninth, Todd Pratt hit a one-out single off closer Brad Lidge's foot. Manuel properly this time inserted Endy Chavez as the pinch runner. Lidge, like most closers, has about as much trouble holding runners as Wagner. So what does Chavez do? Naturally, he stands by the bag until there are two outs and one strike on J-Roll, and then he finally runs, making it without a throw. Where was that when Tomas Perez was batting? Perez hit a deep fly that didn't look as close to a homer as Harry Kalas thought it was, and was easily caught in front of the warning track by Lane. Immediately after Chavez's belated stolen base, J-Roll swung over a Lidge slider to end the game and send the Phils season even deeper into oblivion.
The loss last night has convinced me that this team is genetically incapable of winning. Jimmy Rollins' stumble over first was the tipping point. What happened, did Wade put the first deposit on his $40 million in cash in front of the bag? A mental error like that at such a crucial juncture is just completely inexcusable. Winners don't miss bases, period. They manage to steal second and third, that's what winners do. And if you put in Chavez, a guy you supposedly acquired for his speed, to pinch run, why is he standing two feet from the bag until it's almost too late?
We're now in third in the wild card race, 1.5 games out and heading downward with a bullet. I'm afraid the Astros are about to do tonight what Johnny Caspar tells all his boys to do, and put that bullet right in the Phillies' brains.
The Phils dropped their fourth straight overall and 11th straight to last year's wild card winner and this year's wild card favorite, the Houston Astros, 2-1. Craig Biggio and Ryan Howard traded solo homers off starters Jon Lieber and Roy Oswalt until the bottom of the eighth, when Jimmy Rollins led off with what looked like a sure triple. J-Roll inexplicably missed first base, though, and had to retreat back to the bag for a single. Kenny Lofton sacrificed him to second, and after Chase Utley, who looks cooked, struck out, Bobby Abreu was intentionally walked and Pat Burrell also drew a base on balls. Howard couldn't capitalize, however, bouncing out to second to end the inning.
For whatever reason, Charlie Manuel decided to go with Billy Wagner to start the ninth. Wags never looks comfortable in a game he isn't closing, and Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, among others, were available. Wags walked Lance Berkman with one out, and Phil Garner sent in Eric Bruntlett, a dumpy-looking utility infielder with maybe slightly above-average speed to pinch run. Nevertheless, if anybody knows Wagner's limitations holding runners on, it's the Astros, and they took complete advantage. Bruntlett easily swiped second and third as Todd Pratt double-clutched both times trying to make the throw. What a disaster. It's really amazing to watch what a team can do when they actually care about winning and receive the proper coaching. Jason Lane rapped a line single to left to score Bruntlett, and it was pretty much game over.
In the bottom of the ninth, Todd Pratt hit a one-out single off closer Brad Lidge's foot. Manuel properly this time inserted Endy Chavez as the pinch runner. Lidge, like most closers, has about as much trouble holding runners as Wagner. So what does Chavez do? Naturally, he stands by the bag until there are two outs and one strike on J-Roll, and then he finally runs, making it without a throw. Where was that when Tomas Perez was batting? Perez hit a deep fly that didn't look as close to a homer as Harry Kalas thought it was, and was easily caught in front of the warning track by Lane. Immediately after Chavez's belated stolen base, J-Roll swung over a Lidge slider to end the game and send the Phils season even deeper into oblivion.
The loss last night has convinced me that this team is genetically incapable of winning. Jimmy Rollins' stumble over first was the tipping point. What happened, did Wade put the first deposit on his $40 million in cash in front of the bag? A mental error like that at such a crucial juncture is just completely inexcusable. Winners don't miss bases, period. They manage to steal second and third, that's what winners do. And if you put in Chavez, a guy you supposedly acquired for his speed, to pinch run, why is he standing two feet from the bag until it's almost too late?
We're now in third in the wild card race, 1.5 games out and heading downward with a bullet. I'm afraid the Astros are about to do tonight what Johnny Caspar tells all his boys to do, and put that bullet right in the Phillies' brains.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
THE ENDY IS NIGH
Why do I let them do this to me? They come back home after treading water on a very difficult road trip, and for some reason I think this year will be different. And then Brett Myers surrenders four runs before recording an out. Why did I not see this coming?
Last night's game was over after the third pitch. Houston's Willy Tavares dribbled a grounder to third, which David Bell, in his haste to throw out the speedy centerfielder, dropped out of his glove for an error. Craig Biggio walked, Morgan Ensberg singled home a run, and then Lance Berkman hit a screaming line drive into about the 12th row in right field for a three-run homer. All this from a team ranking 12th in the NL in runs scored. Andy Pettitte took over and completely bamboozled the Phillies hitters for five and two thirds innings, allowing three hits and no walks. The Phils did get to the Astros setup men in the seventh, scoring two runs off Chad Qualls and Mike Gallo before Michael Tucker ended the threat with a bases-loaded ground out.
The ninth inning was simply infuriating. Facing closer Brad Lidge, Kenny Lofton reached second with one out after Adam Everett threw his slow roller into the stands. Shane Victorino had a terrific at-bat to run the count to 3-2 before grounding weakly to first. Lofton advanced to third, and then scored the third Phillie run on a wild pitch. Ryan Howard, who had earlier pinch hit for the pitcher's spot and had been inserted in a double-switch, was the batter at the time, and he eventually worked out a walk. At that point Charlie Manuel put in Matt Kata as a pinch runner, and kept Endy Chavez on the bench. Why not pinch-run Chavez and let Kata take some hacks? Kata is a switch hitter, which really didn't matter since Houston had used Gallo, their only lefty, earlier, but still, is there something wrong with this guy that he can't swing a bat? Chavez is definitely the faster of the two, and he's been looking completely overmatched at the plate lately (including a dismal .466 OPS vs. righties this season). I mean, there are guys from the Stone Age frozen in glaciers in Greenland who knew that Endy wouldn't be able to touch Brad Lidge, but somehow, Charlie Manuel failed to see it. Of course, J-Roll came up after Howard and drilled a double down the right field line that bounced cleanly off the wall back to Jason Lane, forcing Kata to hold at third. This brought up Game Endy, who did manage to hit a foul ball after it bounced (I won't even go in to why he was swinging at a ball in the dirt, but at least he made contact!) and then waved pathetically at two sliders to give the Astros the 4-3 win and the wild card lead. Dammit!
Tonight, Roy Oswalt will no doubt confound the Phillies for 100 or so pitches as Jon Lieber gives up a few gopher balls. At least on Wednesday we have a chance against Brandon Backe. But then Vicente Padilla will revert back to his early season form and we'll have to slug it out and hope to hang on to a 10-9 lead, which we'll blow somehow. Then Florida and Atlanta will come in and sweep all of their games, and finally, I can stop writing in this wretched blog. I wish. What probably will happen is they'll win three or four games and keep hanging around, two or three games out until the final week, when they'll go to Washington and get stymied by John Patterson and/or Esteban Freaking Loaiza to be mathematically eliminated. And then Ed Wade will get his contract extended by Dave Montgomery until "the sun becomes a red dwarf." And nothing will ever change.
Last night's game was over after the third pitch. Houston's Willy Tavares dribbled a grounder to third, which David Bell, in his haste to throw out the speedy centerfielder, dropped out of his glove for an error. Craig Biggio walked, Morgan Ensberg singled home a run, and then Lance Berkman hit a screaming line drive into about the 12th row in right field for a three-run homer. All this from a team ranking 12th in the NL in runs scored. Andy Pettitte took over and completely bamboozled the Phillies hitters for five and two thirds innings, allowing three hits and no walks. The Phils did get to the Astros setup men in the seventh, scoring two runs off Chad Qualls and Mike Gallo before Michael Tucker ended the threat with a bases-loaded ground out.
The ninth inning was simply infuriating. Facing closer Brad Lidge, Kenny Lofton reached second with one out after Adam Everett threw his slow roller into the stands. Shane Victorino had a terrific at-bat to run the count to 3-2 before grounding weakly to first. Lofton advanced to third, and then scored the third Phillie run on a wild pitch. Ryan Howard, who had earlier pinch hit for the pitcher's spot and had been inserted in a double-switch, was the batter at the time, and he eventually worked out a walk. At that point Charlie Manuel put in Matt Kata as a pinch runner, and kept Endy Chavez on the bench. Why not pinch-run Chavez and let Kata take some hacks? Kata is a switch hitter, which really didn't matter since Houston had used Gallo, their only lefty, earlier, but still, is there something wrong with this guy that he can't swing a bat? Chavez is definitely the faster of the two, and he's been looking completely overmatched at the plate lately (including a dismal .466 OPS vs. righties this season). I mean, there are guys from the Stone Age frozen in glaciers in Greenland who knew that Endy wouldn't be able to touch Brad Lidge, but somehow, Charlie Manuel failed to see it. Of course, J-Roll came up after Howard and drilled a double down the right field line that bounced cleanly off the wall back to Jason Lane, forcing Kata to hold at third. This brought up Game Endy, who did manage to hit a foul ball after it bounced (I won't even go in to why he was swinging at a ball in the dirt, but at least he made contact!) and then waved pathetically at two sliders to give the Astros the 4-3 win and the wild card lead. Dammit!
Tonight, Roy Oswalt will no doubt confound the Phillies for 100 or so pitches as Jon Lieber gives up a few gopher balls. At least on Wednesday we have a chance against Brandon Backe. But then Vicente Padilla will revert back to his early season form and we'll have to slug it out and hope to hang on to a 10-9 lead, which we'll blow somehow. Then Florida and Atlanta will come in and sweep all of their games, and finally, I can stop writing in this wretched blog. I wish. What probably will happen is they'll win three or four games and keep hanging around, two or three games out until the final week, when they'll go to Washington and get stymied by John Patterson and/or Esteban Freaking Loaiza to be mathematically eliminated. And then Ed Wade will get his contract extended by Dave Montgomery until "the sun becomes a red dwarf." And nothing will ever change.
Monday, September 05, 2005
NATIONAL REVIEW
At least the road trip is over. The Phils dropped two of three to the Nats, but remain in the wild card lead by a mere half-game.
Friday was a laugher as soon as David Bell hit his first career grand slam in the third inning to make it 5-1. The Phils tacked on two more and coasted to a 7-1 win behind Vicente Padilla and two relievers.
The Saturday game was a crusher. The Nats took a 2-0 lead off Eude Brito in the first, and added two more in the eighth to hand a 4-1 lead to closer Chad Cordero, who has been virtually untouchable this season. I switched over to watch "Crimson Tide" on one of the hinterland channels in disgust after the two insurance runs. In what has become a recurring theme of this blog, I completely missed the Phillies stirring comeback. While Gene Hackman was recruiting Denzel Washington to help him possibly nuke the Russkies, Ryan Howard hit a two run homer, and Bell hit his second dinger in as many nights to tie it at 4-4. The game dragged on into the twelfth inning (and the movie's second act) after the Phillies blew a bases-loaded one-out opportunity in the 11th when J-Roll couldn't get his grounder past Brad Wilkerson at first. Wilkerson threw home for the force, and the Phils rally died when Kenny Lofton bounced out to short. I was watching Denzel relieve Gene of his captain's duties when Aquilino Lopez gave up Preston Wilson's bleeder over first base to score Jose Guillen with the winning run.
On Sunday, we got up early and headed down to DC for the rubber match. I bought the tickets on eBay because the only available seats from the Nats web site were in the upper deck, and my wife gave me strict instructions to stay on the field level due to her fear of heights. I think she'd rather we stayed on the ground floor of the King of Prussia Mall, but I didn't give her that option. We ended up in short left, eight rows from the field. There were several Phillies fans in the vicinity. I could tell by the faint aroma of hopelessness. And the Utley jerseys. But mostly the hopelessness.
The Phils came into the game in big trouble with their pitching staff. Robbie Tejeda was out with an undisclosed shoulder problem, forcing the scuffling rookie Gavin Floyd to start the game. To add to the woes, the bullpen was shot from last night's 12-inning affair, meaning if Floyd continued to struggle, the options were unappetizing to say the least. What wasn't unappetizing were the RFK french fries. I picked up an order and my wife and I shared them for lunch before gametime. So good. After that high point, the day went down hill. Floyd retired the side in order in the first despite not being able to control his curve. In the second, Preston Wilson belted a leadoff double, and Floyd hit Vinnie Castilla with his unruly breaking ball. Rich Dubee came out for a mound conference, and I think he told Floyd to trust his fastball. Gavin did just that on the first pitch, and Brian Schneider hit it about 390 feet to right to make it 3-0. Thanks, Rich.
Floyd got out of the second inning, and then started getting the curve over for strikes. He had some trouble in the fourth but escaped without damage. Meanwhile, Nats starter Esteban Loaiza was brilliant, benefiting from an enormous Chris Guccione (no relation to Bob, I suppose) strike zone. The lady sitting next to me was worried when David Bell and Mike Lieberthal were due up in the top of the 7th and Loaiza was over 100 pitches. I explained to her about "the black hole", and Bell and Lieby backed me up by going down weakly, followed by Inning Endy Chavez pinch-whiffing for Floyd.
Aaron Fultz came on to face the left-handed Brad Wilkerson in the bottom of the seventh and walked him. On came Mr. Unappetizing, Pedro Liriano. Marlon Byrd pinch hit and laid down a good sac bunt, and then Liriano walked Jose Guillen to put runners on first and second. Preston Wilson then hit a no-doubter that looked that it might never come down from my vantage point. It hit the facing of the upper deck (see photo below) to put the Nats up 6-0. J-Roll and J-Mike broke the shutout with a double and single, and that was it. The Nats won it 6-1.
Tonight we start a 10 game home stand with the Astros, one of the teams directly behind us. Brett Myers faces Andy Pettitte in the opener. Oswalt pitches tomorrow for Houston, but we get Brandon Backe instead of the Rocket on Wednesday.
Enjoy some photos from Sunday's game. If you roll over the photo, there is some text explaining it. You can even see my chicken-scratch scorecard.
Friday was a laugher as soon as David Bell hit his first career grand slam in the third inning to make it 5-1. The Phils tacked on two more and coasted to a 7-1 win behind Vicente Padilla and two relievers.
The Saturday game was a crusher. The Nats took a 2-0 lead off Eude Brito in the first, and added two more in the eighth to hand a 4-1 lead to closer Chad Cordero, who has been virtually untouchable this season. I switched over to watch "Crimson Tide" on one of the hinterland channels in disgust after the two insurance runs. In what has become a recurring theme of this blog, I completely missed the Phillies stirring comeback. While Gene Hackman was recruiting Denzel Washington to help him possibly nuke the Russkies, Ryan Howard hit a two run homer, and Bell hit his second dinger in as many nights to tie it at 4-4. The game dragged on into the twelfth inning (and the movie's second act) after the Phillies blew a bases-loaded one-out opportunity in the 11th when J-Roll couldn't get his grounder past Brad Wilkerson at first. Wilkerson threw home for the force, and the Phils rally died when Kenny Lofton bounced out to short. I was watching Denzel relieve Gene of his captain's duties when Aquilino Lopez gave up Preston Wilson's bleeder over first base to score Jose Guillen with the winning run.
On Sunday, we got up early and headed down to DC for the rubber match. I bought the tickets on eBay because the only available seats from the Nats web site were in the upper deck, and my wife gave me strict instructions to stay on the field level due to her fear of heights. I think she'd rather we stayed on the ground floor of the King of Prussia Mall, but I didn't give her that option. We ended up in short left, eight rows from the field. There were several Phillies fans in the vicinity. I could tell by the faint aroma of hopelessness. And the Utley jerseys. But mostly the hopelessness.
The Phils came into the game in big trouble with their pitching staff. Robbie Tejeda was out with an undisclosed shoulder problem, forcing the scuffling rookie Gavin Floyd to start the game. To add to the woes, the bullpen was shot from last night's 12-inning affair, meaning if Floyd continued to struggle, the options were unappetizing to say the least. What wasn't unappetizing were the RFK french fries. I picked up an order and my wife and I shared them for lunch before gametime. So good. After that high point, the day went down hill. Floyd retired the side in order in the first despite not being able to control his curve. In the second, Preston Wilson belted a leadoff double, and Floyd hit Vinnie Castilla with his unruly breaking ball. Rich Dubee came out for a mound conference, and I think he told Floyd to trust his fastball. Gavin did just that on the first pitch, and Brian Schneider hit it about 390 feet to right to make it 3-0. Thanks, Rich.
Floyd got out of the second inning, and then started getting the curve over for strikes. He had some trouble in the fourth but escaped without damage. Meanwhile, Nats starter Esteban Loaiza was brilliant, benefiting from an enormous Chris Guccione (no relation to Bob, I suppose) strike zone. The lady sitting next to me was worried when David Bell and Mike Lieberthal were due up in the top of the 7th and Loaiza was over 100 pitches. I explained to her about "the black hole", and Bell and Lieby backed me up by going down weakly, followed by Inning Endy Chavez pinch-whiffing for Floyd.
Aaron Fultz came on to face the left-handed Brad Wilkerson in the bottom of the seventh and walked him. On came Mr. Unappetizing, Pedro Liriano. Marlon Byrd pinch hit and laid down a good sac bunt, and then Liriano walked Jose Guillen to put runners on first and second. Preston Wilson then hit a no-doubter that looked that it might never come down from my vantage point. It hit the facing of the upper deck (see photo below) to put the Nats up 6-0. J-Roll and J-Mike broke the shutout with a double and single, and that was it. The Nats won it 6-1.
Tonight we start a 10 game home stand with the Astros, one of the teams directly behind us. Brett Myers faces Andy Pettitte in the opener. Oswalt pitches tomorrow for Houston, but we get Brandon Backe instead of the Rocket on Wednesday.
Enjoy some photos from Sunday's game. If you roll over the photo, there is some text explaining it. You can even see my chicken-scratch scorecard.
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
MARCH ON WASHINGTON, POSSIBLY LITERALLY
Leapin' lizards, the Phils won the series (you don't see "leapin' lizards" too much anymore, and that's a shame)! Jon Lieber allowed only one run through seven, and David Bell drove in two runs off Tom Glavine in the first inning for all the offense the Phillies would need. Ryan Howard contributed a solo home run for the 3-1 final. Now lose, Houston, damn you. The Nats are next for three over the weekend, and I'm going on Sunday if I can get some gas.
Meanwhile, Jodi challenged her readers to complete this meme, and I can't say no to her. I think I signed a contract in blood at some point when I started blogging. Anyway, here we go.
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Gluttony
2) Sloth
3) Greed
4) Pride
5) Envy
6) Lust
7) Hot tranny sex
7 things I can do:
1) The Hokey Pokey, but not well
2) Format a hard drive, sometimes intentionally
3) Create elaborate logos for Strat-o-Matic teams
4) I'm quite good at sabotaging my hopes and dreams with paralyzing fear
5) Justify large purchases of electronic equipment to myself
6) Watch the same movie dozens of times
7) Eat an entire container of macadamia nut caramel popcorn in one day
7 things I cannot do:
1) The pommel horse on a broken leg, despite what Bela Karolyi might say
2) Watch reality television, unless one of the Brady Bunch is somehow involved
3) Root for the Fucking Miami Dolphins (their official name in my house)
4) Understand the ending to "Trading Places"
5) Resist widdoe kitties (oh they're so cute!)
6) Not embarrass myself in front of an auto mechanic
7) Arrive late for anything (I'd be 20 minutes early to my own execution)
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Heartbeat
2) Pulse
3) Breathing
4) Two X chromosomes
5) Breasts
6) Vagina
7) Recognizing and laughing at a "Real Genius" reference
7 things that I say most often:
1) There's J-Roll, swinging at the first pitch...
2) Kitty girl!
3) Fucking iPod!
4) Bite me.
5) I hate myself.
6) Fucking Bill Gates!
7) Nice turn signal, asshole!
7 celebrity crushes:
1) Bobby Abreu
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Liz Phair
4) Dorothy Krysiuk
5) Thalia Assuras
6) Tom Brady
7) Miranda July
There's another section about the 7 people you want to see do this, but I don't know seven people, so I'm skipping it. So sad.
Feel free to complete this meme, at your own peril.
Meanwhile, Jodi challenged her readers to complete this meme, and I can't say no to her. I think I signed a contract in blood at some point when I started blogging. Anyway, here we go.
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Gluttony
2) Sloth
3) Greed
4) Pride
5) Envy
6) Lust
7) Hot tranny sex
7 things I can do:
1) The Hokey Pokey, but not well
2) Format a hard drive, sometimes intentionally
3) Create elaborate logos for Strat-o-Matic teams
4) I'm quite good at sabotaging my hopes and dreams with paralyzing fear
5) Justify large purchases of electronic equipment to myself
6) Watch the same movie dozens of times
7) Eat an entire container of macadamia nut caramel popcorn in one day
7 things I cannot do:
1) The pommel horse on a broken leg, despite what Bela Karolyi might say
2) Watch reality television, unless one of the Brady Bunch is somehow involved
3) Root for the Fucking Miami Dolphins (their official name in my house)
4) Understand the ending to "Trading Places"
5) Resist widdoe kitties (oh they're so cute!)
6) Not embarrass myself in front of an auto mechanic
7) Arrive late for anything (I'd be 20 minutes early to my own execution)
7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Heartbeat
2) Pulse
3) Breathing
4) Two X chromosomes
5) Breasts
6) Vagina
7) Recognizing and laughing at a "Real Genius" reference
7 things that I say most often:
1) There's J-Roll, swinging at the first pitch...
2) Kitty girl!
3) Fucking iPod!
4) Bite me.
5) I hate myself.
6) Fucking Bill Gates!
7) Nice turn signal, asshole!
7 celebrity crushes:
1) Bobby Abreu
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Liz Phair
4) Dorothy Krysiuk
5) Thalia Assuras
6) Tom Brady
7) Miranda July
There's another section about the 7 people you want to see do this, but I don't know seven people, so I'm skipping it. So sad.
Feel free to complete this meme, at your own peril.
DADDY UTLEY
Hold your horses. Throttle your engines. Cool your jets. Go to impulse power, Mr. Sulu. The Phils won.
Ok, mostly it was me who was panicking, but I have good reason. Pedro Martinez was no match for Chase Utley, who belted a pair homers in an impressive 8-2 victory. Ryan Howard and yes, Mike Lieberthal, contributed solo shots. Brett Myers gave up six hits and a walk in seven innings, giving way to two thirds of the holy trinity, Oogy and Wags, who finished off the Mets with no problems. I was in disposed as usual on Wednesday and only caught the top of the first and the bottom of the seventh onward. The Phillies even managed to overcome an early 2-0 deficit to send Pedro to his sixth defeat. The four homers marked only the third time in his career that he had yielded as many in one game.
Houston won to stay within a half game, but Florida lost, putting them a game back, the Mets 1.5 out and Washington two clear. It'll be Jon Lieber vs. Tom Glavine this afternoon in Flushing. Glavine was 3-2 with a 2.50 ERA in August. His ERA has gotten progressively better each month (except for a slight uptick in June) as we start September. The Phillies lit him up in May when he was scuffling terribly, and he hasn't had much success in the past three seasons against us. Lieber has been OK of late, but the Phils haven't scored a run in his last two starts.
It's looking like I may have to ship those tickets back to that guy in DC the way the gasoline supply is drying up. I work in the oil industry, and obviously I can't divulge much, but things are not looking good. Log on to www.fema.gov and please send a donation to the charity of your choice. Whatever we can give will help get that area back together more quickly so that we can all return to our usual profligate ways. Until then, the people in that area and I'm afraid most of the rest of us as well have a tough six months to a year ahead.
Ok, mostly it was me who was panicking, but I have good reason. Pedro Martinez was no match for Chase Utley, who belted a pair homers in an impressive 8-2 victory. Ryan Howard and yes, Mike Lieberthal, contributed solo shots. Brett Myers gave up six hits and a walk in seven innings, giving way to two thirds of the holy trinity, Oogy and Wags, who finished off the Mets with no problems. I was in disposed as usual on Wednesday and only caught the top of the first and the bottom of the seventh onward. The Phillies even managed to overcome an early 2-0 deficit to send Pedro to his sixth defeat. The four homers marked only the third time in his career that he had yielded as many in one game.
Houston won to stay within a half game, but Florida lost, putting them a game back, the Mets 1.5 out and Washington two clear. It'll be Jon Lieber vs. Tom Glavine this afternoon in Flushing. Glavine was 3-2 with a 2.50 ERA in August. His ERA has gotten progressively better each month (except for a slight uptick in June) as we start September. The Phillies lit him up in May when he was scuffling terribly, and he hasn't had much success in the past three seasons against us. Lieber has been OK of late, but the Phils haven't scored a run in his last two starts.
It's looking like I may have to ship those tickets back to that guy in DC the way the gasoline supply is drying up. I work in the oil industry, and obviously I can't divulge much, but things are not looking good. Log on to www.fema.gov and please send a donation to the charity of your choice. Whatever we can give will help get that area back together more quickly so that we can all return to our usual profligate ways. Until then, the people in that area and I'm afraid most of the rest of us as well have a tough six months to a year ahead.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
LIKE THE 17TH STREET LEVEE
Oh, the indignities of being a Phillies fan. They're going to do it again for the fourth straight year, and there is nothing we can do about it.
The 2005 Collapse started officially last night, as the Phils dropped a gut-wrenching game to the Mets, 6-4. Kenny Lofton put the Phils on the board in the first with a solo shot, his first since opening day, and after a Bobby Abreu single, Pat Burrell hit number 27 of the season to make it 3-0. The Mets got a solo homer from Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the first, but the Phils answered back with a run in the second using some little ball, with a Mike Lieberthal single, a Robbie Tejeda bunt, and a J-Roll single off Miguel Cairo's glove. Tejeda seemed to settle in at that point, blanking the Mets until the fifth, when Beltran smacked a two-out single to drive in Jose Reyes.
The turning point came in the top of the fifth. Lofton led off with a double over Victor Diaz's head in right, and then Utley hit a sharp single to center. Lofton appeared to get an excellent jump, and was sent home by Bill Dancy. Beltran made an unbelievable peg to the plate, which made the play much closer than it should have been. Lofton was clearly safe, but umpire Fieldin Culbreth had positioned himself between catcher Ramon Castro and the plate, completely missing seeing Lofton's foot slide in under the tag. The call was out, prompting Charlie Manuel, who had a much better view from the third base dugout, to get himself tossed from the game. To top it off, Utley inexplicably failed to move to second on the throw, and the Phils went quietly, well, for the entire rest of the game.
It still looked pretty good after Tejeda got out of the sixth inning without allowing another run, and it was time for Lock, Stock and Barrel. Unfortunately, it turned out more like Larry and Moe, and we never even got to Curly. Madson was wildly ineffective, giving up a double to Castro and eventually loading the bases on a hit-by-pitch and a walk before wild-pitching in the third Mets run. Chris Wheeler actually said something intelligent prior to the hit-by-pitch of Miguel Cairo. Madson had tried to come inside to the right-handed hitting Cairo earlier in the at-bat and just missed plunking him. Wheels noted at that point that since Madson doesn't have a good breaking ball with which to get Cairo fishing on the outer half, coming inside was a foolish and unnecessarily risky maneuver. Sure enough, Lieby called for another inside fastball that hit Cairo on the arm, bringing up the middle of the Mets order. Madson almost got out of it unscathed if not for the wild pitch to our buddy, Yukon Cornelius. Floyd later whiffed on a Madson change-up, which was the pitch he should have thrown to Cairo. It was about at that point I knew the game was lost. I was simply wondering how.
Ugueth Urbina quickly answered that question in the bottom of the eighth. He walked David Wright, who was out stealing second but was called safe, as one would expect by this point. Oogy got rookie Mike Jacobs swinging, but then walked Victor Diaz to bring up the immortal Ramon Castro. Castro has a lifetime BA/OBP/SLG line of .225/.305/.389. Yes, his lifetime slugging percentage is under .400. He was only in there because a real hitter, Mike Piazza, is on the DL. He was the number eight hitter in Willie Randolph's lineup last night. None of that seemed to matter. Oogy dished up a 1-0 fastball right down the middle, which Castro deposited into the left field seats for the coup de grace. This disastrous turn of events is exactly why we're not going to be a championship club. When a guy like Ramon Castro steps up and you absolutely have to get him out, a championship club finds a way to get him out. A team on the verge of yet another cave-in gives up a three-run homer. We now have the definitive answer to which team we are.
Of course, everybody else in the wild card race won. Four teams are now within a half game, with the Nats 1.5 back. We even blew a chance to move up on the Braves. And guess what? Only one of the two or three best pitchers in the last 30 years of baseball history, Pedro Martinez, is starting tonight's game, and he's red hot, not allowing a run in his last two starts. Don't wait, get your 2005 Phillies Collapse Self-Mutilation Kits today!
...And, to keep things in perspective, let's pray for New Orleans, everybody.
The 2005 Collapse started officially last night, as the Phils dropped a gut-wrenching game to the Mets, 6-4. Kenny Lofton put the Phils on the board in the first with a solo shot, his first since opening day, and after a Bobby Abreu single, Pat Burrell hit number 27 of the season to make it 3-0. The Mets got a solo homer from Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the first, but the Phils answered back with a run in the second using some little ball, with a Mike Lieberthal single, a Robbie Tejeda bunt, and a J-Roll single off Miguel Cairo's glove. Tejeda seemed to settle in at that point, blanking the Mets until the fifth, when Beltran smacked a two-out single to drive in Jose Reyes.
The turning point came in the top of the fifth. Lofton led off with a double over Victor Diaz's head in right, and then Utley hit a sharp single to center. Lofton appeared to get an excellent jump, and was sent home by Bill Dancy. Beltran made an unbelievable peg to the plate, which made the play much closer than it should have been. Lofton was clearly safe, but umpire Fieldin Culbreth had positioned himself between catcher Ramon Castro and the plate, completely missing seeing Lofton's foot slide in under the tag. The call was out, prompting Charlie Manuel, who had a much better view from the third base dugout, to get himself tossed from the game. To top it off, Utley inexplicably failed to move to second on the throw, and the Phils went quietly, well, for the entire rest of the game.
It still looked pretty good after Tejeda got out of the sixth inning without allowing another run, and it was time for Lock, Stock and Barrel. Unfortunately, it turned out more like Larry and Moe, and we never even got to Curly. Madson was wildly ineffective, giving up a double to Castro and eventually loading the bases on a hit-by-pitch and a walk before wild-pitching in the third Mets run. Chris Wheeler actually said something intelligent prior to the hit-by-pitch of Miguel Cairo. Madson had tried to come inside to the right-handed hitting Cairo earlier in the at-bat and just missed plunking him. Wheels noted at that point that since Madson doesn't have a good breaking ball with which to get Cairo fishing on the outer half, coming inside was a foolish and unnecessarily risky maneuver. Sure enough, Lieby called for another inside fastball that hit Cairo on the arm, bringing up the middle of the Mets order. Madson almost got out of it unscathed if not for the wild pitch to our buddy, Yukon Cornelius. Floyd later whiffed on a Madson change-up, which was the pitch he should have thrown to Cairo. It was about at that point I knew the game was lost. I was simply wondering how.
Ugueth Urbina quickly answered that question in the bottom of the eighth. He walked David Wright, who was out stealing second but was called safe, as one would expect by this point. Oogy got rookie Mike Jacobs swinging, but then walked Victor Diaz to bring up the immortal Ramon Castro. Castro has a lifetime BA/OBP/SLG line of .225/.305/.389. Yes, his lifetime slugging percentage is under .400. He was only in there because a real hitter, Mike Piazza, is on the DL. He was the number eight hitter in Willie Randolph's lineup last night. None of that seemed to matter. Oogy dished up a 1-0 fastball right down the middle, which Castro deposited into the left field seats for the coup de grace. This disastrous turn of events is exactly why we're not going to be a championship club. When a guy like Ramon Castro steps up and you absolutely have to get him out, a championship club finds a way to get him out. A team on the verge of yet another cave-in gives up a three-run homer. We now have the definitive answer to which team we are.
Of course, everybody else in the wild card race won. Four teams are now within a half game, with the Nats 1.5 back. We even blew a chance to move up on the Braves. And guess what? Only one of the two or three best pitchers in the last 30 years of baseball history, Pedro Martinez, is starting tonight's game, and he's red hot, not allowing a run in his last two starts. Don't wait, get your 2005 Phillies Collapse Self-Mutilation Kits today!
...And, to keep things in perspective, let's pray for New Orleans, everybody.
Monday, August 29, 2005
SNAKE MIS-HANDLING
Just what I was afraid of. Losing the D'Backs series is pretty much a worst-case scenario. Now, we're clinging to a half-game wild card lead as we enter a stretch of 22 straight games versus winning teams. A game and a half lead wouldn't have been much better, but it would have helped.
Friday's game was a tight one that turned into a blowout. I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing, since I'm stupid like that, but it turned out OK. Chase Utley hit a pair of homers in his first and third at-bats, but Brett Myers couldn't keep the Snakes off the board, and eventually was pulled after the fourth inning due to his general ineffectiveness and recurring temper tantrums. Luckily, we had a fresh bullpen. With the game tied at 3-3 in the seventh after Utley's second homer and with the bases loaded, Jason Michaels hit a sharp grounder to the left of Royce Clayton, who fielded it but couldn't even flip it to second because of the hustling Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bobby Abreu came up next and...
(We interrupt this blog entry for an obscenity-laced diatribe.)
I'm sick to death of hearing how Bobby Abreu can't hit in the clutch, or never gets a big hit, or, according to the drunken old fucker sitting a few rows away from us at Citizens Bank Park the other night, "Abreu is Spanish for 'no heart'". Go fuck yourself. Seriously, place your penis inside your own anus, and then take a picture with your digital camera and post it on the "Hot Or Not" web site, if you can manage it, you stupid fuck. You're probably one of those assholes who booed Mike Schmidt at the Vet all those years as he helped deliver the only Phillies world championship and played himself into the Hall of Fame. We'd be so far out of the playoff race without Abreu, the Rockies would salivate at the thought of playing us. That is all.
...smacked an enormous grand slam to just left of the center field fence to blow the game open at 8-3. That was Bobby's third granny this year. The last Phillie to do so was Gene Freese in 1959. The Phils tacked on three more runs, and newly acquired Aquilino Lopez tossed two hitless innings for the 11-3 final.
Saturday's game...uh, not so good. Jon Lieber was excellent, but Brandon Webb and Jose Valverde were better, shutting out the Phils 2-0. The only runs were provided by Alex Cintron, who hit a nine-iron off his shoelaces just over Bobby's glove and the fence for a two-run homer in the seventh. Webb is a typical pitcher the Phils hate: not overpowering, but with a great sinker that is always around the plate. Valverde then came in and threw molten lava which the Phillies couldn't touch, even when it was right down the middle.
Then came Sunday. In a word, Ugh. Vicente Padilla had no command whatsoever, walking the bases loaded in the third before Shawn Green lifted a grand slam just into the left field seats for 6-2 Arizona lead. The Phils started to chip away until Rheal "Oh, No, Canada!" Cormier gave up four runs in a third of an inning, three of those on a Troy Glaus homer. Final: 10-5. Rheal, make sure to declare any fruits and vegetables at Customs on your way back to Quebec.
So, here we stand, a half-game up on Florida and heading for a three game set on Tuesday at Shea followed by three at RFK. I purchased tickets on e-Bay for the Sunday game in Washington, so that will be a loss. Sorry. I'm jonesing big time for RFK's delicious french fries, plus we just bought a new digital camera that I want to try out. If I am able to take a photo of Rheal Cormier, well, God help us.
Friday's game was a tight one that turned into a blowout. I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing, since I'm stupid like that, but it turned out OK. Chase Utley hit a pair of homers in his first and third at-bats, but Brett Myers couldn't keep the Snakes off the board, and eventually was pulled after the fourth inning due to his general ineffectiveness and recurring temper tantrums. Luckily, we had a fresh bullpen. With the game tied at 3-3 in the seventh after Utley's second homer and with the bases loaded, Jason Michaels hit a sharp grounder to the left of Royce Clayton, who fielded it but couldn't even flip it to second because of the hustling Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bobby Abreu came up next and...
(We interrupt this blog entry for an obscenity-laced diatribe.)
I'm sick to death of hearing how Bobby Abreu can't hit in the clutch, or never gets a big hit, or, according to the drunken old fucker sitting a few rows away from us at Citizens Bank Park the other night, "Abreu is Spanish for 'no heart'". Go fuck yourself. Seriously, place your penis inside your own anus, and then take a picture with your digital camera and post it on the "Hot Or Not" web site, if you can manage it, you stupid fuck. You're probably one of those assholes who booed Mike Schmidt at the Vet all those years as he helped deliver the only Phillies world championship and played himself into the Hall of Fame. We'd be so far out of the playoff race without Abreu, the Rockies would salivate at the thought of playing us. That is all.
...smacked an enormous grand slam to just left of the center field fence to blow the game open at 8-3. That was Bobby's third granny this year. The last Phillie to do so was Gene Freese in 1959. The Phils tacked on three more runs, and newly acquired Aquilino Lopez tossed two hitless innings for the 11-3 final.
Saturday's game...uh, not so good. Jon Lieber was excellent, but Brandon Webb and Jose Valverde were better, shutting out the Phils 2-0. The only runs were provided by Alex Cintron, who hit a nine-iron off his shoelaces just over Bobby's glove and the fence for a two-run homer in the seventh. Webb is a typical pitcher the Phils hate: not overpowering, but with a great sinker that is always around the plate. Valverde then came in and threw molten lava which the Phillies couldn't touch, even when it was right down the middle.
Then came Sunday. In a word, Ugh. Vicente Padilla had no command whatsoever, walking the bases loaded in the third before Shawn Green lifted a grand slam just into the left field seats for 6-2 Arizona lead. The Phils started to chip away until Rheal "Oh, No, Canada!" Cormier gave up four runs in a third of an inning, three of those on a Troy Glaus homer. Final: 10-5. Rheal, make sure to declare any fruits and vegetables at Customs on your way back to Quebec.
So, here we stand, a half-game up on Florida and heading for a three game set on Tuesday at Shea followed by three at RFK. I purchased tickets on e-Bay for the Sunday game in Washington, so that will be a loss. Sorry. I'm jonesing big time for RFK's delicious french fries, plus we just bought a new digital camera that I want to try out. If I am able to take a photo of Rheal Cormier, well, God help us.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
NL WORST
I'm pretty stunned that the Phils have won a road series. When was the last time that happened? Well, the last three times before this one actually. Huh? Oh yeah, the NL West. That explains it.
Corey Lidle gave up a run in all three innings in which I was awake last night. Then I went to sleep, and Charlie took him out after four. How did he know it was OK to stop torturing me? Robbie Tejeda and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore pitched the final five innings of scoreless ball, and the Phils scored single runs in the fifth, sixth, and eighth to win 7-4. Abreu, Lofton and Bell had three hits apiece off Bad Brad Hennessey and the beastly Giants bullpen. Now it's on to the final NL West punching bag, Arizona. The Mets recently put up 32 runs in their final two games at the BOB. I'd settle for 30 in three.
The wild card lead has been stretched to a whopping 1.5 games. Am I still sleeping?
Corey Lidle gave up a run in all three innings in which I was awake last night. Then I went to sleep, and Charlie took him out after four. How did he know it was OK to stop torturing me? Robbie Tejeda and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore pitched the final five innings of scoreless ball, and the Phils scored single runs in the fifth, sixth, and eighth to win 7-4. Abreu, Lofton and Bell had three hits apiece off Bad Brad Hennessey and the beastly Giants bullpen. Now it's on to the final NL West punching bag, Arizona. The Mets recently put up 32 runs in their final two games at the BOB. I'd settle for 30 in three.
The wild card lead has been stretched to a whopping 1.5 games. Am I still sleeping?
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