BELGIAN WAFFLE

The sports chattering classes are up in arms over Belgian tennis player Kim Clijster's decision to forego the 2004 Olympics in Athens because the Belgian national team will wear Adidas and Clijsters has an apparel contract with Fila.

There's an easy and obvious way for Clijsters to transcend this problem: Play Naked! She may have a slight problem, you know, up top running down shots at any kind of speed, but, frankly, who would even care if she wins? The ratings would be through the roof. In fact, judging from the overwhelming desire of people to see certain female golfers nude, they may have to build an entire new Internet just to handle the traffic to view the videos and photos from the match. It would spark a global boom in web server, router, and cable modem sales and administration, and the resulting good will might convince other female and even male athletes to compete au naturel. Pretty soon, all sports will be played in the buff, followed by all films and TV shows being acted unattired. Eventually, all pop culture will be conducted sans clothing, and then all public institutions, including Congress, will go starkers. And then we'll finally get to see this guy naked.

On second thought, Kim, never mind.