THE OTHER END OF THE BELL CURVE

In the mail today came the quarterly alumni newsletter from my dear old Alma Mater. This periodical seems to exist to say two and only two things: 1) Everyone else who graduated in your class is doing better than you, and 2) Send us some money.

I suppose there isn't much anyone can do about thing #2. They're always going to need some scratch. Thing #1, though, seems easily remedied. Just once, they could print something along these lines, to make us moderately successful semi-achievers feel better:

William Jablonksi, '89 ChemE. Bill was demoted from assistant operations superintendent at HugeCo when his supervisor caught him playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on his office PC for 8 hours straight. After much soul searching, Bill decided to quit and start his own web development company. Several months passed as Bill half-heartedly tried and ultimately failed to recruit other unhappy HugeCo employees to join his new firm. The year came to a close with Bill doing his under-developed magic show for local children's parties and submitting vitriolic entries to the HugeCo stock message board on Yahoo. Bill is now planning a hiking trip through Europe with what's left of his 401K plan, to culminate in a pathetic sex and hashish-filled binge in Amsterdam. On the personal side, Bill is a confirmed commitment-phobe with a half dozen ex-girlfriends who no longer speak to him.