INSPIRED CHOICE



President-by-Supreme-Court-Fiat George W. Bush has tapped Henry Kissinger to lead a commission to investigate the government's failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks.



If you want a guy who knows about planning secret massive attacks on civilians, I couldn't think of a better man for the job!

WHYY OH WHY?



The local public radio station, WHYY, has a live audio stream on the Internet. Here is what usually happens when you try to access it during a weekday:







Now, I realize Philadelphia is not New York, and we're not Los Angeles, and we don't have a thriving city full of glitz and glamour, but we can't even listen to public radio on the Internet whenever we want? That's right, Philadelphia has to ration PUBLIC RADIO. How sad, sorry, and pathetic is that?

TO WASTE YOUR MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING

I was just at the gym, listening to my iPod, which I had set to shuffle songs. Two of the the first three songs were by k. d. lang. I spent the rest of my workout wondering if my iPod was trying to tell me that my new haircut makes me look like a butch lesbian.



I think I would do well as a butch lesbian. I love going down, and I would have only a slightly larger than average female organ.

IT'S GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT



Another revelation from "Live From New York", the hefty tome about the history of Saturday Night Live: most of the writers and performers are neurotic and have low self-esteem, and Lorne Michaels is often telling them that they could be funnier. Hey, that describes me perfectly! Where do I sign? Oh yeah, there's that small issue of being at least somewhat funny in the first place. Oh well. Back to boiling oil.

IF YOU BUILD IT...



My wife and I were walking through Olde City in Philadelphia yesterday when we saw a sign at a construction site for the Masada Construction Company. Wow, what happens when they finish a building? They must have a high turnover in that organization. And they probably get a lot of competition from the Jonestown Builders and the Heaven's Gate Construction Group.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is The Food Network.



SCENE: Bobby Baccala buries a cake at his wife's grave.



EXTRA SCENE: Pastry chef Jaques Torres from "Passion For Dessert" exhumes the cake and serves it to unsuspecting French tourists, who declare it "nutty with a delightful hint of escargot".



SCENE: Uncle Junior is declared fit to stand trial by the judge assigned to his case.



EXTRA SCENE: Next on the docket is Martha Stewart of "From Martha's Kitchen". Martha is in court for a pre-trial motion to dismiss her insider trading case. Uncle Junior doesn't help when he loudly asks her "What have you heard lately? That ImClone tip saved my ass!" as they meet in the aisle.



SCENE: Janice helps Bobby Baccala accelerate his grieving process by finally eating his late wife's last ziti.



EXTRA SCENE: Emeril Lagasse suggests they BAM! kick it up a notch by stuffing themselves full on the ziti and throwing up on her grave.



SCENE: A.J., Devon, and Bobby Baccala's son and daughter conduct a seance.



EXTRA SCENE: The spirit of "The Two Fat Ladies" late star Jennifer Paterson is accidentally summoned, and she proceeds to eat the stash of Tastykakes Butterscotch Krimpets that A.J. keeps in his bottom desk drawer.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: ESPN

SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?



Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.



NBA



Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division

Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.



Eastern Conference

The Other Divison

I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?



Western Conference

Some Midwestern type name

San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.



Western Conference

Pacific Division

The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.



Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.



NHL



Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!

Eastern Type Division

I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.



Whatever the Conference name is

Other Eastern Type Division Name

Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Midwestern-y Division Name

Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.



Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real

Midwestern-y Division Name

Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name

I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.



Whatever the Other Conference name is

Pacific-y Division Name

The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.



Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.

WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?



I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.

DAY OFF! DAY-AY-AY OFF!



I spent the first day of my four day weekend watching "Y Tu Mama Tambien", the first movie in history to make three-way sex depressing. Actually it was a great film, but have some kleenex handy, especially the guys.

YOU SO CRAZY!



I spent the day upgrading our Micro I/A stations to version 6.2.2. It was every bit as exciting as it sounds.

GUTEN TAG, HERR DOCTOR



Just got back from the dentist. It went OK, but I still have a vague desire to sign up for grad school at Columbia, run a few miles, and hang out with my secret agent brother.

YOU MEAN I HAVE TO ADD ENTRIES, TOO?



For all of you uncounted several looking for the Crossbow Home Gym (which as far as I can tell doesn't even exist - I think you guys want the Bowflex Home Gym), I have been revamping TCP. I upgraded to BlogSpot Plus, which features a bunch of problems with the standard Blogger templates, the inability to automatically add comments and sitemeter code, and various other anomalies, all for $50 a year! So I spent an hour yesterday and another hour today doing all that stuff by hand that I used to be able to do automatically, and now I have the wondrous site you see before you.



Good luck with that Crossbow Home Gym. Frankly, I would recommend steroids. They're cheaper, easier, and they actually exist.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is HGTV.



SCENE: Christopher shoots up some smack and then sits on Adriana's dog, killing it.



EXTRA SCENE: "Designing for the Sexes" helps Christopher and Adriana mediate their home decorating dispute. After looking at several options, Christopher finally decides to hang the architect out the window from his ankles while demanding a 90% discount as Adriana bawls hysterically in the bedroom.



SCENE: Tony and Johnny Sack meet under a bridge to discuss the HUD scam.



EXTRA SCENE: Susie Cuehlo from "Surprise Gardener" pops in to liven up the mob meeting landscape. This is the final episode of "Surprise Gardener", if you know what I mean.



SCENE: Paulie Walnuts rescues Tony's painting of Pie-O-My from being burned and hangs it on his wall, then has it retouched so that Tony looks like a general.



EXTRA SCENE: Joan Steffend of "Decorating Cents", where Joan remakes a room every show for "under $500", buys the painting from Paulie for $50 after the eyes continue to creep him out. Paulie later reconsiders the transaction, and for the next six months of shows, Joan has to include $100 vigorish for Paulie in the $500 total.



SCENE: Carmela drops off some kitchen decorating ideas to Furio.



EXTRA SCENE: Furio hires Joan Kohn from "Kitchen Design" to implement the ideas. Carmela comes over to check it out with A.J. in tow. Carmela and Furio exchange meaningful glances while A.J. whines in the background. "Kitchen Design" is cancelled because it's become so incredibly lame.



SCENE: Tony seduces Svetlana, the one-legged Russian woman.



EXTRA SCENE: While Tony and Svetlana are having sex, Norm Abram from the "New Yankee Workshop" accidentally uses Svetlana's artificial leg to make a flower stand.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: The Food Network

CHECK IT OUT NOW



I'd just like to say, it's about time I started getting my due as one of the Funk Brothers.

TIN SOLDIERS AND QAEDA'S COMIN'



In this episode of "Whistling Past the Graveyard", we look at the recent FBI warning that Al Qaeda is planning some "spectacular" terrorist attacks on such things as, um, OIL REFINERIES. For those of you who may not be aware, I work at an ... OIL REFINERY. To allay my anxiety, I've come up with a few ways to recognize Al Qaeda members should they be lurking about.



- Vendor with a Dunkin Donuts box in the shape of a hand-held grenade launcher.



- Dinghy filled with Middle Eastern guys pulls up to the ship dock looking to have their gas tank "topped off".



- 18-wheeled Ryder rental truck making emergency delivery of ammonia fertilizer and fuel oil.



- American Airlines flight 2785, close enough that I can read the in-flight magazine.



- The new IT guy from Saudi Arabia, Ibrahim .

I'LL BE MISSING YOU



To the 20 or so people who accidentally view my site: I'll be at a training class all week, and won't have access to the Internet. I know, you're crushed. I'll be back next Monday with more lame humor. What can I say, I'm the Orny Adams of blogging.

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK



This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MSNBC.



SCENE: Ralphie's son get shot accidentally with an arrow.



EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on bow and arrow safety, repeated for the next two years, which nobody watches.



SCENE: Ralphie snubs Paulie at the Bada Bing.



EXTRA SCENE: Ralphie and Paulie appear on Hardball to resolve their dispute, but are drowned out by Chris Matthews, waxing rhapsodic about his Irish Catholic upbringing, to the point where Ralphie and Paulie both shoot him.



SCENE: Ralphie's horse is killed in an electrical fire.



EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on electrical safety which is repeated for 3 years, which absolutely nobody ever watches. (I have a lot of balls making fun of MSNBC's ratings considering I usually get 4 accidental hits a day from people looking for information on the Crossbow Home Gym.)



SCENE: Tony kills Ralphie, and Christopher rips the toupee off Ralphie's head while preparing the body for being "disappeared".



EXTRA SCENE: Ashleigh Banfield appears to give the toupee a treatment with L'Oreal Candlelit Golden Brown to help Ralphie stay inconspicuous in the afterlife.



NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: HGTV

SO I RANT, I RANT SO FAR AWAAAAY



I know the rant has got to be the most cliched type of post in the blogger world, but I can't stand it anymore:



What the flying fuck does "breezy" mean? The public radio station in Philadelphia, WHYY, gets its weather forecasts from the Franklin Institute. Nearly every goddamned day, they describe the weather as being "breezy". "Sunny, breezy, highs in the 50's...Milder, breezy, 30% chance of rain...turning breezy later, mostly cloudy, lows in the 30's". EVERY GODDAMNED DAY! Is breezy the same as windy? If it is, why not say "windy"? If it's not windy, then it must be less than windy. How much less? Where does windy become breezy? 5 mph? 10 mph? Is it the capriciousness of the wind as opposed to the speed? And if it is, why in the hell are they trying to describe the capriciousness of wind anyway?



Look, in scientific terms, the movement of air over the surface of the earth is called WIND. A breeze is a light wind of indeterminate speed and force, and is a word often used by fiction writers and poets. It is not to be used as a scientific term in a weather forecast, dammit! If you are going to mention the wind, tell me the expected speed of the wind and its expected prevailing direction. If you don't know, just say it is "variable". Saying it is breezy every fucking day is useless! It says nothing. It's just a meaningless word put in to take up space. STOP IT!



Thank you.

DUH!



So today on the Cassandra mailing list, some guy is asking, should his company go forward with Unix or Windows hardware, and one guy writes that his Sparc box has been running for 500 days, and this bonehead from Invensys tells him it couldn't be running 500 days because Solaris 2.5.1 has a bug in the lbolt where it reboots after 248 days, and then some other guy writes that Sun patched that years ago for Y2K, and he has the output from the uptime command to prove it, plus a link to the patch on Sun's website! Isn't that hilarious?*



*I am now going to kill myself for being such a loser.

ODE ON A VENDOR LUNCH

with profuse apologies to John Keats, and all his descendants, and all his ancestors for that matter.



Thou still famish'd stomach of business,

Thou foster-child of boredom and slow time,

Sylvan meal, who canst thus express,

A paid-for tale more sweetly than our rhyme:

What onion-ring'd legend haunts about thy shape,

Of soups, or sandwiches or both?

In Bennigans, or the tables of Chili's

What waiters or waitresses are these? What hostesses loth?

What mad e-mails? What struggle to escape?

What drinks and desserts? What wild ecstasy?



O rotund shape! Fair Attitude! with brede

Of marbled beef and shrimp overstuffed,

With forest cake and salad weed,

Thou, sleepy form, dost tease us quite enough

As doth Eternity! Cold leftovers!

When old age doth this generation waste,

Thou shalt remain, in midst of working woe,

Than ours, a vendor man, to whom thou say'st,

"Beauty is Food, food beauty, -- that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."



Thanks, Mike, for all the lunches.