POT: "KETTLE BLACK"

This from today's "ABC News: The Note":

"The President's supporters have launched a 'not-so-subtle campaign' against Patrick Fitzgerald, with one White House ally telling the paper the special prosecutor is 'a vile, detestable, moralistic person with no heart and no conscience who believes he's been tapped by God to do very important things.'"

Well, I suppose if there is anyone in the world who would know intimately about such an individual, it would have to be a "White House ally."

TED'S LATEST ADVENTURE

Senator Edward Kennedy tried and failed to rescue some fishermen off the coast of Hyannisport yesterday. The fishermen were later rescued by firefighters.

Let the snarky jokes by right-wing bloggers about Kennedy's lack of rescuing prowess begin!

Oh, wait, here's one already.

PRAIRIE HOME CUM-PANION

It was a wild, sexy week in Lake Minnetonka this week, my hometown... (APPLAUSE)

Old Fred Smoot, plays cornerback for them Minnesota Vikings, chartered a couple of boats from Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises. Good folks, Al & Alma Honsevord. Alma baked a pie for Karl Ungerfeld when his mom passed. Al could always be counted on to hold the door open for a lady at the Cuppa Joe Cafe, not that he ever saw many (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma were excited that the Vikings were coming to town. All the employees helped put up purple balloons on the boats, and catered some hors d'oeuvres and drinks from Reierson's Catering.

Mrs. Cathy Hough, she's a schoolteacher down at the Junior High don'cha know, was the first to see that something wasn't quite right. One of them Vikings pulled up in a big stretch limo and started to, well, relieve himself on her lawn. "It's only water, ma'am," he said, as he emptied his bladder on her new begonias. "No, it's not," said Cathy. (LAUGHTER) Can't say as I blame her for being mad. After all, a Green Bay Packer once micturated on Old Man Hallestrom's petunia patch, and they never recovered.

Well, the Vikings all drove their Escalades and GMC Yukon Denali's and Hummer limos down to the docks, where Al & Alma welcomed them aboard their two flagships, The Norse Star and The Leif Ericsson. It wasn't more than a few minutes before Chrissy Olsen, she's the daughter of Frank Olsen, the mortician, don'cha know, and was working on The Leif Ericsson that night, popped open the galley to find three naked ladies. (GASPS) A couple of them Vikings had one of those, er, sexual aids, I guess we'll call 'em, and were doing some unspeakable things with 'em. There were some other young ladies gyrating like a terpsichorean tornado on the laps of other Vikings. One of the football players offered Chrissie herself twenty bucks to do a bump and grind on top of him. Frank is happy to report that she declined. (CHUCKLES)

Next thing you know, there's a full-out, well, there's just no other way of putting it, it was a drunken orgy. Why, Lake Minnetonka hadn't seen an orgy since the Hennepin County Summer Smorgasbord and Hootenanny of '68 got crashed by some hippies. It was quite a frightening sight, especially if you're a Lutheran (LAUGHTER). Captain Nelson of The Leif Ericsson radioed over to Captain Haarstajd on The Norse Star to see if the same thing was happening over there, and sure enough, it was. Two drunken orgies for the price of one! Of course, they turned the boats back around toward the shore. Couldn't right well have this kind of carrying-on in the shadow of St. John's Lutheran Church of Mound, Minnesota, at least not while the Vikings had a losing record and were trying to get the good folks of the Great Lakes State to pay for a new stadium (CATCALLS).

The cops got involved, and of course the press jumped all over it. Some of the Vikings were brought up on charges of public lewdness, and Zygi Wilf, the new owner, fined 'em a couple of pennies by their standards and sat a few of 'em on the bench, which didn't help their record any. Chrissie Olsen went to, well, for lack of a better term, I guess you'd call it a grief counselor, to mourn the removal of her innocence, not that it had much longer to last anyway (CHUCKLES). Al & Alma Honsevord decided that they'd never let another pro sports team charter their boats, or at least they'd invest in some plastic covering for the furniture and floors if they did. Al said he hadn't seen a mess like that since he was on the USS Hubert Humphrey in Da Nang Harbor and Raquel Welch did a USO show on board (GROANS).

That's all the news from Lake Minnetonka, where, at least this week, the women are strippers, the men are drunk and sexually aggressive, and the children are not allowed to watch SportsCenter. (WILD APPLAUSE)

TODAY'S SOUNDTRACK

For all you Phillies phans out there.

(Yes, I paid the $0.99 on iTunes. It was a special occasion.)

WAIT TIL...WHENEVER

I told you so.

Well, the Phils didn't actually lose to John Patterson or Esteban Freaking Loaiza, but close enough. The whole season came down to one pitch; if Billy Wagner had kept Craig Biggio in the yard, we'd be preparing to play St. Louis right now.

I was hoping by the sheer force of my will in writing this crap, the Phillies would win the World Series, just like with Stewart O'Nan and Stephen King and the Red Sox. As I now know, "hope", "Phillies", and "World Series" are not compatible terms, at least while Ed Wade pulls down a paycheck.

I won't be writing for you next year, except in your comments sections. Have a good off-season, and keep the phaith, because somebody has to.

FINAL WEAK

After last night's ignominious defeat at the hands of the also-ran Mets, it appears the Phils will be coming up short of the postseason once again.

Last night, I helped Quest For Tech and Charity In Action load an 18-wheeler full of PC's destined for a school down in Biloxi, MS that was devastated by Hurricane Katrina (yes, I am campaigning for a pat on the back. My aching back needs all the pats it can get right now). On the way home, I was listening to the rain delay call-in show hosted by Phillies announcers (and loyal employees) Scott Graham and Tom McCarthy. Scott and Tom were defending the current regime with gusto, and berating the audience for not showing up at the park to support "this wonderful team". Somewhere on the Blue Route, I snapped.

You want to me to support this team? Well, I have been supporting this team, for eight seasons now. I got here about the same time as Ed Wade. In each of those eight seasons, the Phillies have finished behind the Braves. The Braves have won the division every year since the divisions became constituted as they currently are. I have come to the conclusion that the Braves know what they are doing. It's not that the Phillies are totally clueless. They usually field winning teams with decent talent that, especially this season, play hard. But the yardstick is the Braves, and against that measurement, the Phillies just aren't good enough. They haven't been for over a decade.

Now, I feel like a shareholder in this corporation that is the Phillies. Obviously, I don't own stock - the ownership group isn't set up that way, and the barrier to becoming part of that group is too high, and the best I could do would be to become a limited partner, which means I would have no say in the running of the team anyway - but as a fan I'm a shareholder nonetheless. I buy the merchandise, I go to games (not many, but more than none), I sit through the commercials of the TV and radio advertisers night after night, I write this largely un-read blog, and I have trouble sleeping every time they lose.

As a shareholder, then, all I want is for someone in this organization to be held accountable for the near decade of failure to surpass the Braves. The current management team is led by President and Managing General Partner Dave Montgomery and General manager Ed Wade. Montgomery is a part owner, so he isn't going anywhere, unless he wants to. That leaves one guy.

Ed Wade is a fine human being, a personable man, and is very generous with the media and the fans. But he isn't getting it done. How many years do we have to finish second or worse to the Braves before the Phillies realize that maybe Ed Wade isn't good enough at his job? I'm not demonizing the man. I'm just pointing out that his philosophy for running a baseball team is not effective enough to beat the Braves, and there is no evidence that it ever will be.

So, Scott and Tom, if you want me to show up more often at the park, how about you ask the Phillies to hire a general manager that has a plan to beat the Braves. We've tried Ed Wade's plan for eight years. As Dick Van Patten would say, eight is enough.

GIFTED?

I said I would write when something interesting happened. Something most definitely did.

I hesitate to write about it, since the Phillies have been trying to prove some sort of Baseball Uncertainty Principle with me all season: whenever I watch them (and especially when I write about them), they become a different, always worse, team. Today was no exception. I've been suffering from a back ailment for the last week, and was in no condition to blog for several days even if I wanted to. The back has improved, but I'm still a little logy from the muscle relaxants, and I decided to take a nap after Bobby Abreu waved at Dontrelle Willis' curveball to end the top of the first. It appears I didn't miss much...until the ninth.

In the ninth, an opposing team finally gave to us what we've been giving to everybody else at crucial junctures ever since I've started rooting for the Phillies - a cornucopia of gifts.

Dontrelle was still in there to start the inning, leading 2-0 and seemingly en route to a shutout and his 22nd win. J-Roll led off with a single, J-Mike followed with a walk, and then Abreu reached on an error by Luis Castillo to score Rollins and chase Willis. Then the real Marlins generosity started. Three errors, six singles, and three hapless Florida relievers later, the Phils took a 10-2 lead to the bottom of the ninth (just as I woke up), where Billy Wagner gave up two hits but no runs to finish the game.

Does this really mean anything in the grand scheme of the NL wild card chase? Well, as I write this, Milwaukee is getting pounded by the Astros, so I doubt it. The Astros are still the favorites. They have a nine-game road trip coming up to Pittsburgh, Chicago, and St. Louis, who clinched the NL Central today. The 'Stros have been bad on the road, but the Bucs and Cubs white-flagged it long ago, and the Cards will be trotting out benchies for the rest of the year. The wild card was lost when Craig Biggio hit that Billy Wagner fastball into the fifth row. Still, 10-run ninth innings are rare enough that it makes it hard not to have hope. Until they get skunked by Josh Beckett tomorrow...

See you next time something interesting happens, or the Astros clinch, whichever comes first.

OUTTA HERE

I just want to say, I called Biggio's homer. My wife can sort-of attest, but she was half asleep at the time. We were lying in bed, me watching the game and she desperately trying to catch some much needed shut-eye, when J-Roll failed to nab Willy Taveras at first, and I realized that Craig Biggio was up. I said, quite plainly, "Oh, this is a three-run homer." Boom, there it goes.

No team ever comes back from something like this. It just doesn't happen, ever. And it definitely won't happen with this bunch. As the Phlogosphere as almost unanimously pronounced, these guys just aren't good enough. Even if they summon up some pride and play well from here on in, they are still at the mercy of the Astros, who hold a 2.5 game lead over us and have an easy schedule against mostly weak NL Central teams. C'est finis. It's over.

I'll probably post a few more times this season, such as when the mathematical end comes or if anything interesting happens, but as for the daily game-by-game recap, I'm also done. It's been (mostly) fun. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to reading everybody else as the season's denouement (what is this, French day?) plays out. TCP will return to posting the usual non-baseball nonsense at the usual schedule, i.e. whenever I get a hair up my ass.

IT'S HANKY TIME

This is where I get off. After last night's bitter defeat, I'm taking a sanity break for the rest of the homestand. If we're still close by the time the Phils head to Miami, I'll check back in.

The Phils dropped their fourth straight overall and 11th straight to last year's wild card winner and this year's wild card favorite, the Houston Astros, 2-1. Craig Biggio and Ryan Howard traded solo homers off starters Jon Lieber and Roy Oswalt until the bottom of the eighth, when Jimmy Rollins led off with what looked like a sure triple. J-Roll inexplicably missed first base, though, and had to retreat back to the bag for a single. Kenny Lofton sacrificed him to second, and after Chase Utley, who looks cooked, struck out, Bobby Abreu was intentionally walked and Pat Burrell also drew a base on balls. Howard couldn't capitalize, however, bouncing out to second to end the inning.

For whatever reason, Charlie Manuel decided to go with Billy Wagner to start the ninth. Wags never looks comfortable in a game he isn't closing, and Ryan Madson and Aaron Fultz, among others, were available. Wags walked Lance Berkman with one out, and Phil Garner sent in Eric Bruntlett, a dumpy-looking utility infielder with maybe slightly above-average speed to pinch run. Nevertheless, if anybody knows Wagner's limitations holding runners on, it's the Astros, and they took complete advantage. Bruntlett easily swiped second and third as Todd Pratt double-clutched both times trying to make the throw. What a disaster. It's really amazing to watch what a team can do when they actually care about winning and receive the proper coaching. Jason Lane rapped a line single to left to score Bruntlett, and it was pretty much game over.

In the bottom of the ninth, Todd Pratt hit a one-out single off closer Brad Lidge's foot. Manuel properly this time inserted Endy Chavez as the pinch runner. Lidge, like most closers, has about as much trouble holding runners as Wagner. So what does Chavez do? Naturally, he stands by the bag until there are two outs and one strike on J-Roll, and then he finally runs, making it without a throw. Where was that when Tomas Perez was batting? Perez hit a deep fly that didn't look as close to a homer as Harry Kalas thought it was, and was easily caught in front of the warning track by Lane. Immediately after Chavez's belated stolen base, J-Roll swung over a Lidge slider to end the game and send the Phils season even deeper into oblivion.

The loss last night has convinced me that this team is genetically incapable of winning. Jimmy Rollins' stumble over first was the tipping point. What happened, did Wade put the first deposit on his $40 million in cash in front of the bag? A mental error like that at such a crucial juncture is just completely inexcusable. Winners don't miss bases, period. They manage to steal second and third, that's what winners do. And if you put in Chavez, a guy you supposedly acquired for his speed, to pinch run, why is he standing two feet from the bag until it's almost too late?

We're now in third in the wild card race, 1.5 games out and heading downward with a bullet. I'm afraid the Astros are about to do tonight what Johnny Caspar tells all his boys to do, and put that bullet right in the Phillies' brains.

THE ENDY IS NIGH

Why do I let them do this to me? They come back home after treading water on a very difficult road trip, and for some reason I think this year will be different. And then Brett Myers surrenders four runs before recording an out. Why did I not see this coming?

Last night's game was over after the third pitch. Houston's Willy Tavares dribbled a grounder to third, which David Bell, in his haste to throw out the speedy centerfielder, dropped out of his glove for an error. Craig Biggio walked, Morgan Ensberg singled home a run, and then Lance Berkman hit a screaming line drive into about the 12th row in right field for a three-run homer. All this from a team ranking 12th in the NL in runs scored. Andy Pettitte took over and completely bamboozled the Phillies hitters for five and two thirds innings, allowing three hits and no walks. The Phils did get to the Astros setup men in the seventh, scoring two runs off Chad Qualls and Mike Gallo before Michael Tucker ended the threat with a bases-loaded ground out.

The ninth inning was simply infuriating. Facing closer Brad Lidge, Kenny Lofton reached second with one out after Adam Everett threw his slow roller into the stands. Shane Victorino had a terrific at-bat to run the count to 3-2 before grounding weakly to first. Lofton advanced to third, and then scored the third Phillie run on a wild pitch. Ryan Howard, who had earlier pinch hit for the pitcher's spot and had been inserted in a double-switch, was the batter at the time, and he eventually worked out a walk. At that point Charlie Manuel put in Matt Kata as a pinch runner, and kept Endy Chavez on the bench. Why not pinch-run Chavez and let Kata take some hacks? Kata is a switch hitter, which really didn't matter since Houston had used Gallo, their only lefty, earlier, but still, is there something wrong with this guy that he can't swing a bat? Chavez is definitely the faster of the two, and he's been looking completely overmatched at the plate lately (including a dismal .466 OPS vs. righties this season). I mean, there are guys from the Stone Age frozen in glaciers in Greenland who knew that Endy wouldn't be able to touch Brad Lidge, but somehow, Charlie Manuel failed to see it. Of course, J-Roll came up after Howard and drilled a double down the right field line that bounced cleanly off the wall back to Jason Lane, forcing Kata to hold at third. This brought up Game Endy, who did manage to hit a foul ball after it bounced (I won't even go in to why he was swinging at a ball in the dirt, but at least he made contact!) and then waved pathetically at two sliders to give the Astros the 4-3 win and the wild card lead. Dammit!

Tonight, Roy Oswalt will no doubt confound the Phillies for 100 or so pitches as Jon Lieber gives up a few gopher balls. At least on Wednesday we have a chance against Brandon Backe. But then Vicente Padilla will revert back to his early season form and we'll have to slug it out and hope to hang on to a 10-9 lead, which we'll blow somehow. Then Florida and Atlanta will come in and sweep all of their games, and finally, I can stop writing in this wretched blog. I wish. What probably will happen is they'll win three or four games and keep hanging around, two or three games out until the final week, when they'll go to Washington and get stymied by John Patterson and/or Esteban Freaking Loaiza to be mathematically eliminated. And then Ed Wade will get his contract extended by Dave Montgomery until "the sun becomes a red dwarf." And nothing will ever change.

NATIONAL REVIEW

At least the road trip is over. The Phils dropped two of three to the Nats, but remain in the wild card lead by a mere half-game.

Friday was a laugher as soon as David Bell hit his first career grand slam in the third inning to make it 5-1. The Phils tacked on two more and coasted to a 7-1 win behind Vicente Padilla and two relievers.

The Saturday game was a crusher. The Nats took a 2-0 lead off Eude Brito in the first, and added two more in the eighth to hand a 4-1 lead to closer Chad Cordero, who has been virtually untouchable this season. I switched over to watch "Crimson Tide" on one of the hinterland channels in disgust after the two insurance runs. In what has become a recurring theme of this blog, I completely missed the Phillies stirring comeback. While Gene Hackman was recruiting Denzel Washington to help him possibly nuke the Russkies, Ryan Howard hit a two run homer, and Bell hit his second dinger in as many nights to tie it at 4-4. The game dragged on into the twelfth inning (and the movie's second act) after the Phillies blew a bases-loaded one-out opportunity in the 11th when J-Roll couldn't get his grounder past Brad Wilkerson at first. Wilkerson threw home for the force, and the Phils rally died when Kenny Lofton bounced out to short. I was watching Denzel relieve Gene of his captain's duties when Aquilino Lopez gave up Preston Wilson's bleeder over first base to score Jose Guillen with the winning run.

On Sunday, we got up early and headed down to DC for the rubber match. I bought the tickets on eBay because the only available seats from the Nats web site were in the upper deck, and my wife gave me strict instructions to stay on the field level due to her fear of heights. I think she'd rather we stayed on the ground floor of the King of Prussia Mall, but I didn't give her that option. We ended up in short left, eight rows from the field. There were several Phillies fans in the vicinity. I could tell by the faint aroma of hopelessness. And the Utley jerseys. But mostly the hopelessness.

The Phils came into the game in big trouble with their pitching staff. Robbie Tejeda was out with an undisclosed shoulder problem, forcing the scuffling rookie Gavin Floyd to start the game. To add to the woes, the bullpen was shot from last night's 12-inning affair, meaning if Floyd continued to struggle, the options were unappetizing to say the least. What wasn't unappetizing were the RFK french fries. I picked up an order and my wife and I shared them for lunch before gametime. So good. After that high point, the day went down hill. Floyd retired the side in order in the first despite not being able to control his curve. In the second, Preston Wilson belted a leadoff double, and Floyd hit Vinnie Castilla with his unruly breaking ball. Rich Dubee came out for a mound conference, and I think he told Floyd to trust his fastball. Gavin did just that on the first pitch, and Brian Schneider hit it about 390 feet to right to make it 3-0. Thanks, Rich.

Floyd got out of the second inning, and then started getting the curve over for strikes. He had some trouble in the fourth but escaped without damage. Meanwhile, Nats starter Esteban Loaiza was brilliant, benefiting from an enormous Chris Guccione (no relation to Bob, I suppose) strike zone. The lady sitting next to me was worried when David Bell and Mike Lieberthal were due up in the top of the 7th and Loaiza was over 100 pitches. I explained to her about "the black hole", and Bell and Lieby backed me up by going down weakly, followed by Inning Endy Chavez pinch-whiffing for Floyd.

Aaron Fultz came on to face the left-handed Brad Wilkerson in the bottom of the seventh and walked him. On came Mr. Unappetizing, Pedro Liriano. Marlon Byrd pinch hit and laid down a good sac bunt, and then Liriano walked Jose Guillen to put runners on first and second. Preston Wilson then hit a no-doubter that looked that it might never come down from my vantage point. It hit the facing of the upper deck (see photo below) to put the Nats up 6-0. J-Roll and J-Mike broke the shutout with a double and single, and that was it. The Nats won it 6-1.

Tonight we start a 10 game home stand with the Astros, one of the teams directly behind us. Brett Myers faces Andy Pettitte in the opener. Oswalt pitches tomorrow for Houston, but we get Brandon Backe instead of the Rocket on Wednesday.

Enjoy some photos from Sunday's game. If you roll over the photo, there is some text explaining it. You can even see my chicken-scratch scorecard.

MARCH ON WASHINGTON, POSSIBLY LITERALLY

Leapin' lizards, the Phils won the series (you don't see "leapin' lizards" too much anymore, and that's a shame)! Jon Lieber allowed only one run through seven, and David Bell drove in two runs off Tom Glavine in the first inning for all the offense the Phillies would need. Ryan Howard contributed a solo home run for the 3-1 final. Now lose, Houston, damn you. The Nats are next for three over the weekend, and I'm going on Sunday if I can get some gas.

Meanwhile, Jodi challenged her readers to complete this meme, and I can't say no to her. I think I signed a contract in blood at some point when I started blogging. Anyway, here we go.

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Gluttony
2) Sloth
3) Greed
4) Pride
5) Envy
6) Lust
7) Hot tranny sex

7 things I can do:
1) The Hokey Pokey, but not well
2) Format a hard drive, sometimes intentionally
3) Create elaborate logos for Strat-o-Matic teams
4) I'm quite good at sabotaging my hopes and dreams with paralyzing fear
5) Justify large purchases of electronic equipment to myself
6) Watch the same movie dozens of times
7) Eat an entire container of macadamia nut caramel popcorn in one day

7 things I cannot do:
1) The pommel horse on a broken leg, despite what Bela Karolyi might say
2) Watch reality television, unless one of the Brady Bunch is somehow involved
3) Root for the Fucking Miami Dolphins (their official name in my house)
4) Understand the ending to "Trading Places"
5) Resist widdoe kitties (oh they're so cute!)
6) Not embarrass myself in front of an auto mechanic
7) Arrive late for anything (I'd be 20 minutes early to my own execution)

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1) Heartbeat
2) Pulse
3) Breathing
4) Two X chromosomes
5) Breasts
6) Vagina
7) Recognizing and laughing at a "Real Genius" reference

7 things that I say most often:
1) There's J-Roll, swinging at the first pitch...
2) Kitty girl!
3) Fucking iPod!
4) Bite me.
5) I hate myself.
6) Fucking Bill Gates!
7) Nice turn signal, asshole!

7 celebrity crushes:
1) Bobby Abreu
2) Catherine Zeta-Jones
3) Liz Phair
4) Dorothy Krysiuk
5) Thalia Assuras
6) Tom Brady
7) Miranda July

There's another section about the 7 people you want to see do this, but I don't know seven people, so I'm skipping it. So sad.

Feel free to complete this meme, at your own peril.

DADDY UTLEY

Hold your horses. Throttle your engines. Cool your jets. Go to impulse power, Mr. Sulu. The Phils won.

Ok, mostly it was me who was panicking, but I have good reason. Pedro Martinez was no match for Chase Utley, who belted a pair homers in an impressive 8-2 victory. Ryan Howard and yes, Mike Lieberthal, contributed solo shots. Brett Myers gave up six hits and a walk in seven innings, giving way to two thirds of the holy trinity, Oogy and Wags, who finished off the Mets with no problems. I was in disposed as usual on Wednesday and only caught the top of the first and the bottom of the seventh onward. The Phillies even managed to overcome an early 2-0 deficit to send Pedro to his sixth defeat. The four homers marked only the third time in his career that he had yielded as many in one game.

Houston won to stay within a half game, but Florida lost, putting them a game back, the Mets 1.5 out and Washington two clear. It'll be Jon Lieber vs. Tom Glavine this afternoon in Flushing. Glavine was 3-2 with a 2.50 ERA in August. His ERA has gotten progressively better each month (except for a slight uptick in June) as we start September. The Phillies lit him up in May when he was scuffling terribly, and he hasn't had much success in the past three seasons against us. Lieber has been OK of late, but the Phils haven't scored a run in his last two starts.

It's looking like I may have to ship those tickets back to that guy in DC the way the gasoline supply is drying up. I work in the oil industry, and obviously I can't divulge much, but things are not looking good. Log on to www.fema.gov and please send a donation to the charity of your choice. Whatever we can give will help get that area back together more quickly so that we can all return to our usual profligate ways. Until then, the people in that area and I'm afraid most of the rest of us as well have a tough six months to a year ahead.

LIKE THE 17TH STREET LEVEE

Oh, the indignities of being a Phillies fan. They're going to do it again for the fourth straight year, and there is nothing we can do about it.

The 2005 Collapse started officially last night, as the Phils dropped a gut-wrenching game to the Mets, 6-4. Kenny Lofton put the Phils on the board in the first with a solo shot, his first since opening day, and after a Bobby Abreu single, Pat Burrell hit number 27 of the season to make it 3-0. The Mets got a solo homer from Carlos Beltran in the bottom of the first, but the Phils answered back with a run in the second using some little ball, with a Mike Lieberthal single, a Robbie Tejeda bunt, and a J-Roll single off Miguel Cairo's glove. Tejeda seemed to settle in at that point, blanking the Mets until the fifth, when Beltran smacked a two-out single to drive in Jose Reyes.

The turning point came in the top of the fifth. Lofton led off with a double over Victor Diaz's head in right, and then Utley hit a sharp single to center. Lofton appeared to get an excellent jump, and was sent home by Bill Dancy. Beltran made an unbelievable peg to the plate, which made the play much closer than it should have been. Lofton was clearly safe, but umpire Fieldin Culbreth had positioned himself between catcher Ramon Castro and the plate, completely missing seeing Lofton's foot slide in under the tag. The call was out, prompting Charlie Manuel, who had a much better view from the third base dugout, to get himself tossed from the game. To top it off, Utley inexplicably failed to move to second on the throw, and the Phils went quietly, well, for the entire rest of the game.

It still looked pretty good after Tejeda got out of the sixth inning without allowing another run, and it was time for Lock, Stock and Barrel. Unfortunately, it turned out more like Larry and Moe, and we never even got to Curly. Madson was wildly ineffective, giving up a double to Castro and eventually loading the bases on a hit-by-pitch and a walk before wild-pitching in the third Mets run. Chris Wheeler actually said something intelligent prior to the hit-by-pitch of Miguel Cairo. Madson had tried to come inside to the right-handed hitting Cairo earlier in the at-bat and just missed plunking him. Wheels noted at that point that since Madson doesn't have a good breaking ball with which to get Cairo fishing on the outer half, coming inside was a foolish and unnecessarily risky maneuver. Sure enough, Lieby called for another inside fastball that hit Cairo on the arm, bringing up the middle of the Mets order. Madson almost got out of it unscathed if not for the wild pitch to our buddy, Yukon Cornelius. Floyd later whiffed on a Madson change-up, which was the pitch he should have thrown to Cairo. It was about at that point I knew the game was lost. I was simply wondering how.

Ugueth Urbina quickly answered that question in the bottom of the eighth. He walked David Wright, who was out stealing second but was called safe, as one would expect by this point. Oogy got rookie Mike Jacobs swinging, but then walked Victor Diaz to bring up the immortal Ramon Castro. Castro has a lifetime BA/OBP/SLG line of .225/.305/.389. Yes, his lifetime slugging percentage is under .400. He was only in there because a real hitter, Mike Piazza, is on the DL. He was the number eight hitter in Willie Randolph's lineup last night. None of that seemed to matter. Oogy dished up a 1-0 fastball right down the middle, which Castro deposited into the left field seats for the coup de grace. This disastrous turn of events is exactly why we're not going to be a championship club. When a guy like Ramon Castro steps up and you absolutely have to get him out, a championship club finds a way to get him out. A team on the verge of yet another cave-in gives up a three-run homer. We now have the definitive answer to which team we are.

Of course, everybody else in the wild card race won. Four teams are now within a half game, with the Nats 1.5 back. We even blew a chance to move up on the Braves. And guess what? Only one of the two or three best pitchers in the last 30 years of baseball history, Pedro Martinez, is starting tonight's game, and he's red hot, not allowing a run in his last two starts. Don't wait, get your 2005 Phillies Collapse Self-Mutilation Kits today!

...And, to keep things in perspective, let's pray for New Orleans, everybody.

SNAKE MIS-HANDLING

Just what I was afraid of. Losing the D'Backs series is pretty much a worst-case scenario. Now, we're clinging to a half-game wild card lead as we enter a stretch of 22 straight games versus winning teams. A game and a half lead wouldn't have been much better, but it would have helped.

Friday's game was a tight one that turned into a blowout. I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing, since I'm stupid like that, but it turned out OK. Chase Utley hit a pair of homers in his first and third at-bats, but Brett Myers couldn't keep the Snakes off the board, and eventually was pulled after the fourth inning due to his general ineffectiveness and recurring temper tantrums. Luckily, we had a fresh bullpen. With the game tied at 3-3 in the seventh after Utley's second homer and with the bases loaded, Jason Michaels hit a sharp grounder to the left of Royce Clayton, who fielded it but couldn't even flip it to second because of the hustling Jimmy Rollins to make it 4-3. Bobby Abreu came up next and...

(We interrupt this blog entry for an obscenity-laced diatribe.)

I'm sick to death of hearing how Bobby Abreu can't hit in the clutch, or never gets a big hit, or, according to the drunken old fucker sitting a few rows away from us at Citizens Bank Park the other night, "Abreu is Spanish for 'no heart'". Go fuck yourself. Seriously, place your penis inside your own anus, and then take a picture with your digital camera and post it on the "Hot Or Not" web site, if you can manage it, you stupid fuck. You're probably one of those assholes who booed Mike Schmidt at the Vet all those years as he helped deliver the only Phillies world championship and played himself into the Hall of Fame. We'd be so far out of the playoff race without Abreu, the Rockies would salivate at the thought of playing us. That is all.

...smacked an enormous grand slam to just left of the center field fence to blow the game open at 8-3. That was Bobby's third granny this year. The last Phillie to do so was Gene Freese in 1959. The Phils tacked on three more runs, and newly acquired Aquilino Lopez tossed two hitless innings for the 11-3 final.

Saturday's game...uh, not so good. Jon Lieber was excellent, but Brandon Webb and Jose Valverde were better, shutting out the Phils 2-0. The only runs were provided by Alex Cintron, who hit a nine-iron off his shoelaces just over Bobby's glove and the fence for a two-run homer in the seventh. Webb is a typical pitcher the Phils hate: not overpowering, but with a great sinker that is always around the plate. Valverde then came in and threw molten lava which the Phillies couldn't touch, even when it was right down the middle.

Then came Sunday. In a word, Ugh. Vicente Padilla had no command whatsoever, walking the bases loaded in the third before Shawn Green lifted a grand slam just into the left field seats for 6-2 Arizona lead. The Phils started to chip away until Rheal "Oh, No, Canada!" Cormier gave up four runs in a third of an inning, three of those on a Troy Glaus homer. Final: 10-5. Rheal, make sure to declare any fruits and vegetables at Customs on your way back to Quebec.

So, here we stand, a half-game up on Florida and heading for a three game set on Tuesday at Shea followed by three at RFK. I purchased tickets on e-Bay for the Sunday game in Washington, so that will be a loss. Sorry. I'm jonesing big time for RFK's delicious french fries, plus we just bought a new digital camera that I want to try out. If I am able to take a photo of Rheal Cormier, well, God help us.

NL WORST

I'm pretty stunned that the Phils have won a road series. When was the last time that happened? Well, the last three times before this one actually. Huh? Oh yeah, the NL West. That explains it.

Corey Lidle gave up a run in all three innings in which I was awake last night. Then I went to sleep, and Charlie took him out after four. How did he know it was OK to stop torturing me? Robbie Tejeda and Alvin, Simon, and Theodore pitched the final five innings of scoreless ball, and the Phils scored single runs in the fifth, sixth, and eighth to win 7-4. Abreu, Lofton and Bell had three hits apiece off Bad Brad Hennessey and the beastly Giants bullpen. Now it's on to the final NL West punching bag, Arizona. The Mets recently put up 32 runs in their final two games at the BOB. I'd settle for 30 in three.

The wild card lead has been stretched to a whopping 1.5 games. Am I still sleeping?

IT'S TOO LATE

We won a road game! I'll feel better if we win the series, naturally, but I'll take it. Ryan Howard had a career night, smacking four hits, including a solo smash off the forgettable Brett Tomko. The Phillies sprinted to a 5-1 lead early and put the game away with a four-run seventh and added a single run in the ninth for a 10-2 final. Vicente Padilla went eight strong innings to continue his mid-season run of excellence. The Astros lost again, so we're back in front for the wild card. I wish I could stay up tonight, but I know if I did, we'd lose in some hideous fashion in extra innings and I'd spend all day tomorrow alternately exhausted and in a state of despair and regret. Not that that would be any different than usual, but still.

GIANT NOTHING

And so it begins. The Phils tripped out of the gate in San Fran with a 5-0 blanking by Noah Lowry. At least he's on my Strat team. This is going to be a bad two weeks.

BUCCO SUCK-O

It's been a while since I checked in with the Phils, due to a vacation day on Friday spent trying to get our car inspected for less than $1,000 (successful, no thanks to the dealer) and trying to get Comcast to fix my sporadic cable modem connection (unsuccessful, so far).

On Thursday, the Phillies split the day/night doubleheader with the Nationals. They took the day game 2-1 behind Vicente Padilla and Plains, Trains, and Automobiles. In the nightcap, Charlie Manuel attempted to use Oogie Urbina three times within 24 hours to disastrous effect, as Oogie blew a 4-3 lead on a double, a couple of singles, and a crucial missed cut-off throw by Pat Burrell to give the Nats the 5-4 win.

My wife and I attended Friday night's game (I forgot my camera, sorry), which was "Disability Awareness Night". The Phillies celebrated by playing like a bunch of quadriplegics, absorbing an 11-2 pounding that was not as close as the score would indicate. In addition, it rained for about three solid innings. Boy, can I pick 'em. Robbie Tejeda looked suspiciously like that guy who had a 5+ ERA in Reading last year. Maybe the aliens have switched their bodies back. At least the grub at Bull's was good.

Saturday and Sunday were more pleasant, I guess because I was not at the park. On Saturday, Chase Utley tripled in two runs in the fourth, and Brett Myers went the route for a 6-1 final. For the series finale Sunday, Eude Brito made his long-awaited debut as a Phillie, starting and going five innings, allowing only a Brad Eldred homer, two other hits, and a walk. Frenchie Cormier rapidly gave up the tying runs in the sixth to make it 3-3, but then Bobby Abreu hit a clutch double down the right field line to score Jason Michaels from first base with two outs in the seventh. Michaels executed a perfect slide to touch the plate with his hand and avoid the tag from catcher Ryan Doumit. Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll came through again to finish out the 4-3 victory. Wags now has 30 saves.

Monday morning's standings have the Phils maintaining a half-game lead for the wild card over Houston, who took two of three from the bumbling Brewers. The division lead is suddenly down to only 3.5 games after Atlanta went on a 4-6 run over the last 10 games, but since we never beat the Braves head-to-head, I'm still saying that race is over. The wild card, well, it might be over soon. The Phils start a 12-game, bi-coastal road trip tonight in San Francisco. This is pretty much the season, right here. If the Phils go worse than 6-6, they may never recover. The first six games are extremely winnable, against the struggling Giants and D'Backs. The last six, though, should be brutal, against the tough-at-home Nats and the always annoying Cornelius Floyd and the Mets. Houston is also on the west coast, vs. the Padres and Dodgers, but they come right back home to play the pathetic Reds. We won't get a break in the schedule there until Houston hosts St. Louis in early September, by which time the Cards may have come within a few games of clinching the division. It only gets worse after that. The only games Houston has scheduled against winning teams in September are three here with us, four at home with Florida, and two very late games with the sure-to-be resting Cardinals. Meanwhile, we have to traverse the Sunni Triangle that is the NL East, with our only respite being three games at Cincinnati.

Well, I'll do my part. No more Citizens Bank Park for me this year.

WILD TIE

Forty-two more games. Twenty-four road games, 18 home games. This is what separates us from the post-season after last night's 4-3 defeat of the Nats. I'll allow myself about twelve hours of happiness until reality sets in.

J-Roll and Kenny Lofton scored in the first off Washington starter Esteban Loaiza on a Chase Utley sac fly and a Pat Burrell double respectively. In the fourth, Vinny Castilla hit his 943rd home run off Phillies pitching to make it 2-1, and then starter Jon Lieber allowed a double to Christian Guzman, a guy who's been "on the interstate" so long he has a frequent guest card at EconoLodge. A real hitter, Jose Vidro, singled in Guzman to tie it up. Answering back quickly, Rollins and Lofton reached base again in the bottom of the inning, on a single and a double, and Bobby Abreu earned the Phillies Radio Network Star Of The Game (I was listening on the way home last night) by doubling off the Lukoil sign in left center to score both runners. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot held on to the lead barely, with Madson (I guess he would be Yakko) yielding a sac fly to Vinnie after the Nats led off the seventh with a single and a ground-rule double. Wags gave up a leadoff single to Jose Guillen in the ninth before striking out the next two hitters and amazingly getting Vinnie to ground out. Aside from the fourth inning, Lieber was terrific, giving up only three hits and a walk in six innings for his 12th win.

With Houston losing to the Cubs, The Phillies and Astros have identical 64-56 records. We play Houston at home for three in September, and we play the other team with which we are tied in the loss column, Washington, eight more times starting with a doubleheader today. Baseball Prospectus puts our playoff odds at 27.4%, while Houston's are 32.3%. The difference in expected wins between the two teams is only one win, with neither team predicted to win 90 games. Those eight games with Washington, six of which are at RFK, appear to be the key games. They've been tremendous at home (34-22), and we tend not to play well in pitcher's parks. We took two of three there in April, though. This upcoming twelve-game, four-city, bi-coastal road trip with no days off could also serve to expose us like Jude Law changing into his swim trunks (you can find the link to that photo yourself, weirdo. It wasn't that special anyway. I mean...never mind). When you look at it, there isn't really any series we can afford to lose. Let's see...yeah, my twelve hours are nearly up.